June 29 1992 - February 16 2009

Welcome to the Journey of a Butterfly

Welcome to Ashleys Journey,

We invite you to follow along one family's journey through grief and loss, one brave young girl's journey through faith and inspiration, this is not a blog to convert anyone , nor is it a blog about fundraising , it is what i hope will reach another family on a similar journey, we are not experts , i could not give you a magic remedy for how one gets through disease and devestation but it is our story , sometimes gut wrenching other time heartwarming and all of the time, i guarantee, very real. We are not perfect, we struggle daily and i think that the more we connect to one another the more we understand what this journey through life is all about . Sometimes that path is bumpy and we fall down, sometimes we sit and stop a while,or take a step back and other times we pound our fists on the pavement like a lunatic , still other times we find ourselves picking eachother up dusting eachother off and walking alongside them even if only for short time. This blog is dedicated to Ashley , her sisters and every single angel that picked us up along this road.
This is an introduction to the beginning and middle part of our journey the specific blogs are more indepth , the end...well there will never be an end to this journey i've come to realize that , not on this earth, for now we just assimilate it into our life like a hole , a missing limb, a continous ache that you just learn to live with.
When Ashley was about 12 years old she asked if she could go to youth group at a local church , i didn't have any church upbringing but know i craved it throughout my life , this was a rare opportunity and i recognized that if i didn't embrace it now she may lose her interst in it very quickly and beocme a jaded, cynical, stubborn person like her mom. My husband grew up in a very religious (shove it down your throat) kinda religion( i wont mention any names)or maybe it was the way he was raised ? Anyways i encouraged her to go because the community we had moved to embraced this kinda thing so i thought why not? Naturally and shortly after she started attending she was soon encouraging us to go , she had made quite a leadership name for herself there , pionner leader , sunday school helper etc, i was comfortable for the first time in my life going to a church, maybe it was the first word that greeted you as you walked in..."belong" maybe it was because they embraced community and outreach service in our city , dont know, but soon found it very therapeutic, cheaper than a shrink, and our other 3 girls jumped on board pretty quickly, my husband well... a work in progress , he communes with God in a fishing boat he says , although makes many efforts to go even if just for good way to start the week, i was still cynical , felt i wasnt holy enough but went anyways.
Ashley was scheduled to sing a solo in the church choir Dec 16 2007 , i was scared for her, i was sure she got her singing skills from me which was nil at best. She sang beautifully and you couldnt tell she had been complaining of cramps , something i chalked up to girls stuff/growing pains for a couple weeks off and on, she was an active healthy girl. When the performnce was done we got our christmas tree and i took her to the clinic to have it checked out before Christmas , they sent us to our local hosptial for tests , i was worried it was appendix. Darcy, my husband left the hosptial to go pick up our other 3 girls from friends houses , i caught the doctor in the ahallways and asked if the ulstrasound pictures were back, i remember having eye contact with Ashley only feet away from me but far enough away for her not to hear the doctor to so impassionaltely say "its not appendix, it looks like cancer", i have to stop as i write this because it is still one of the 2 biggest shocks in my entire life, i think i ran down the hallways screaming with no sound coming from my throat and not knowing where i was running . I phoned Darcy and words didnt come out of my mouth. Before I knew it we were at out local Childrens Hospital(100km away) meeting oncologiosts , being give an "oncology team" which consisted of a primary nurse, a social worker, a main oncologist and a shrink....wait a minute ...what is an oncologist? yep, a cancer doctor, this was the real thing . we waited 4 days to find out what type we were dealing with ... it was curable 90 % even though she was stage 4 , how the hell can my kid have stage 4 cancer and only a few cramps , it was mind bending. We were thrown stright into a world so foriegn to us , everything stopped ..jobs ..PAC meetings ,carppoling and yes even some friends who"couldn't handle it" it was no longer our own beds , our own home, our own anything. Treatments and life became unbearable , the 90% cure rate was not looking good at any stage throughout our journey , it seemd to be always full of negative news to the point where i couldnt stand the face of her oncologist , it nearly made me want to vomit everytime i saw him...The words they briefed us on as we began this mind altering path was " one of you will grieve through this process and no matter the out come the other will grieve after " they couldn't have been more right.......Ashley insisted on going to church on Christmas eve, two nights before she was to start chemo at the end of the service our pastor came to pray with us , i didn't know many people in the church , but wow did they know Ashley, when we rose our heads from bowing in prayer the whole congregation was surrounding us , i knew at that moment who i was going to need to get me through this ...would he be willing to listen to me...

Monday, June 7, 2010

To My Daughter on her 17th Birthday


To My Daughter on Her 17th Birthday
Monday, July 6, 2009 at 1:44pm | Edit Note | Delete
Every year on my kids birthday i write them a letter ..its one of those rituals you start with your firstborn cause you thought it was such a simple thing to do yet by the time you've had your fourth you feel like you're writing a letter everytime you turn around.This year was no exception although i had to start and stop it several times throughout.
In the letter i usually record their previous years accomplishments , milestones and hurdles . My plan was to give these letters to my kids on some special day like their wedding or 21st birthday (hopefully not after there first tattoo lol) or whatever. I have no idea what I will do with the last 17 years of letters i have written but they are tucked away for the day i decide to look at them and bear them again. This years letter i again talked about the hurdles she'd overcome the milestones she had reached and her amazing accomplishments and just how damn proud i am of her , not so much about what she learned this year but more about how much she taught us this year ,how her life has effected so many others. I told her about all the places she has travelled this year,although mostly on her own, cause i couldn't be there to hold her hand through them all . I told her how much money she raised for Cancer and BCCH .... I told her that this year again she was recognized by her school and teachers for her outstanding accomplishments physically and academically and that she may not get a schoalraship but that she will be giving one with her name on it . I told her about how she managed to make her dr's cry this time instead of the other way around., i hope she knows that because of her stay at the abbotsford hopital new structures are being put in place for caring for kids like her incluiding a pet-stay program for critically ill children. She must see that her nurses show up at church sometimes , that i pat the dog more, ... i told her about the complete strangers and good friends who ran in her name and cut their hair , how there are now overnight bags for parents at BCCH because of her and just whom she inspired ..that her sisters write poetry and quotes about her to say " i love you" Told her that her best friend iis in love with some guy half way around the world and that she needs to be here to check him out for her...that a very nice boy sits with Christy in church and how i know she would be jabbin christy the whole time if she were here...I hope she sees that there have been family connections and repairs made just because of her, and that most people who knew her cant help but think about her when they see a butterfly. I described her butterfly garden to her but i know shes getting a way better view of it from where she is. I told her about all the symbolsim in her garden and even some of the things that SHE planted before it became her garden. I told her about the beautiful 17 butterflies we released on her birthday and a special one for sophys birthday.how her cousins tried to recapture them after so as not to let her go....how she still recieved beautiful birthday gifts even though shes not here to open them. I told her how much longer it took and harder it was to build the hot tub deck because she wasnt here to help her dad and that the rest of us girls are pretty useless at that kinda stuff. I asked her to comfort her dad if he decides to go fishing this year cause i don't think it will be easy without his fishing partner. Mothers day and Fathers day just wasn't the same without her considering she was what originially made us have those days. I apologized to her for alot of things that i wish were different and that im sorry i couldnt trade places with her.
I told her how much her spirit lives on and that we talk about her everyday that her room has stayed clean and that we love to hang out in her room... its so peaceful and lively at the same time.Brittanny thinks that every "wierd" thing that happens is her spirit...that she writes popstar songs in her name and sings them with huge drama(its beautiful)I told her about Stef accepting an award in her name and how much stef looks like her when she borrows her clothes and that christy woke up to a song called "christy are you doin ok" the morning after, timing is wierd ...hard to not think there is something bigger controlling timing . I also described to her a book i had been reading and how many similarities there was in the story, except for the ending ..however when we decided to see the movie the ending changed and fit a little more ..its that timing thing, like when the book was written before we knew how OUR story would end and then the ending for the movie changed when you left us... how i think they must have filmed the movie right from your hospital room.
I let her know that she still has facebook and recieves messages frequently ,how it comforts me, i told her she was a packrat, I find funny things she kept over the years , found her name carved into the tree outback... never noticed it before...i picture her walking barefoot in the backyard and tying knots in the silliest things. I told her that although its almost been 5 months some days are as painful as the first. I ask her to tell me what its like where she is and that i am trying to be a good person so i can be with her when my time comes , somedays are harder than others( to be a good person..lol.) learned about humility the other day ...trying to work on that one! Somedays we can distract ourselves , but only temporarily,its a mind game grief plays on you... i remind myself that maybe you're looking down on us trying to say youve got the better deal, and you probably do because there is so much pain down here and i know there is no pain where you are so continue watching over us , put in a good word for us and please dont roll your eyes when we do stupid things or bicker ..were only human...and believe it or not some things are becoming a little bit ok ish now, the girls are pleased i dont nag about grades and messy rooms as much and that your dad has turned the backyard into a kingdom for them(probably so they never leave home) I finally read "the giver" thanks... funny how you knew i needed to read it , haven't been able to pick up "little women" from where we left off but hope to by your next letter.Your sisters are going to aunties house for a few days ..be with them all .Anyways miss you like crazy and love you to the moon with a cherry on top.


Peace,
Mom
Posted by at

No comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)

Followers