June 29 1992 - February 16 2009

Welcome to the Journey of a Butterfly

Welcome to Ashleys Journey,

We invite you to follow along one family's journey through grief and loss, one brave young girl's journey through faith and inspiration, this is not a blog to convert anyone , nor is it a blog about fundraising , it is what i hope will reach another family on a similar journey, we are not experts , i could not give you a magic remedy for how one gets through disease and devestation but it is our story , sometimes gut wrenching other time heartwarming and all of the time, i guarantee, very real. We are not perfect, we struggle daily and i think that the more we connect to one another the more we understand what this journey through life is all about . Sometimes that path is bumpy and we fall down, sometimes we sit and stop a while,or take a step back and other times we pound our fists on the pavement like a lunatic , still other times we find ourselves picking eachother up dusting eachother off and walking alongside them even if only for short time. This blog is dedicated to Ashley , her sisters and every single angel that picked us up along this road.
This is an introduction to the beginning and middle part of our journey the specific blogs are more indepth , the end...well there will never be an end to this journey i've come to realize that , not on this earth, for now we just assimilate it into our life like a hole , a missing limb, a continous ache that you just learn to live with.
When Ashley was about 12 years old she asked if she could go to youth group at a local church , i didn't have any church upbringing but know i craved it throughout my life , this was a rare opportunity and i recognized that if i didn't embrace it now she may lose her interst in it very quickly and beocme a jaded, cynical, stubborn person like her mom. My husband grew up in a very religious (shove it down your throat) kinda religion( i wont mention any names)or maybe it was the way he was raised ? Anyways i encouraged her to go because the community we had moved to embraced this kinda thing so i thought why not? Naturally and shortly after she started attending she was soon encouraging us to go , she had made quite a leadership name for herself there , pionner leader , sunday school helper etc, i was comfortable for the first time in my life going to a church, maybe it was the first word that greeted you as you walked in..."belong" maybe it was because they embraced community and outreach service in our city , dont know, but soon found it very therapeutic, cheaper than a shrink, and our other 3 girls jumped on board pretty quickly, my husband well... a work in progress , he communes with God in a fishing boat he says , although makes many efforts to go even if just for good way to start the week, i was still cynical , felt i wasnt holy enough but went anyways.
Ashley was scheduled to sing a solo in the church choir Dec 16 2007 , i was scared for her, i was sure she got her singing skills from me which was nil at best. She sang beautifully and you couldnt tell she had been complaining of cramps , something i chalked up to girls stuff/growing pains for a couple weeks off and on, she was an active healthy girl. When the performnce was done we got our christmas tree and i took her to the clinic to have it checked out before Christmas , they sent us to our local hosptial for tests , i was worried it was appendix. Darcy, my husband left the hosptial to go pick up our other 3 girls from friends houses , i caught the doctor in the ahallways and asked if the ulstrasound pictures were back, i remember having eye contact with Ashley only feet away from me but far enough away for her not to hear the doctor to so impassionaltely say "its not appendix, it looks like cancer", i have to stop as i write this because it is still one of the 2 biggest shocks in my entire life, i think i ran down the hallways screaming with no sound coming from my throat and not knowing where i was running . I phoned Darcy and words didnt come out of my mouth. Before I knew it we were at out local Childrens Hospital(100km away) meeting oncologiosts , being give an "oncology team" which consisted of a primary nurse, a social worker, a main oncologist and a shrink....wait a minute ...what is an oncologist? yep, a cancer doctor, this was the real thing . we waited 4 days to find out what type we were dealing with ... it was curable 90 % even though she was stage 4 , how the hell can my kid have stage 4 cancer and only a few cramps , it was mind bending. We were thrown stright into a world so foriegn to us , everything stopped ..jobs ..PAC meetings ,carppoling and yes even some friends who"couldn't handle it" it was no longer our own beds , our own home, our own anything. Treatments and life became unbearable , the 90% cure rate was not looking good at any stage throughout our journey , it seemd to be always full of negative news to the point where i couldnt stand the face of her oncologist , it nearly made me want to vomit everytime i saw him...The words they briefed us on as we began this mind altering path was " one of you will grieve through this process and no matter the out come the other will grieve after " they couldn't have been more right.......Ashley insisted on going to church on Christmas eve, two nights before she was to start chemo at the end of the service our pastor came to pray with us , i didn't know many people in the church , but wow did they know Ashley, when we rose our heads from bowing in prayer the whole congregation was surrounding us , i knew at that moment who i was going to need to get me through this ...would he be willing to listen to me...

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Our Mexican Vacation April...2009


Our Mexican Vacation
Monday, April 20, 2009 at 2:26pm | Edit Note | Delete
There is something to be said about too much of a good thing....kidding...no there's not, Mexico is definitley a place i could call home for several months of the year, the beaches are beautiful, so are the people.... and the weather.... there is something to be said for that kind of warmth on your body,it heats you from the inside out and awakens you out of your winter grayness and turns you into a bronzy sun goddess(thats not bragging ,it is true for all bikini levels) ) I will try not to bore you with all the details but you have the power to click this off if i begin to ramble.
Unlike most Lowey excursions we got there without a hitch, no lost luggage , tickets or kids, wow! huge for us! We got to the resort and we were awestruck , it was grand! i mean grand! no other word for it. We spent the next day absorbing all the resort had to offer and sucking back refreshments ..kids got a kick out of ordering fancy cocktails while continuing to swim. we sluffed back and forth between pool and beach all day , stopping of course to fill up on whatever kind of food your imagination could conjur up, for Brittanny that meant all day ice cream, no fruit or veggies for that kid "im on vacation " she said(man im a bad mom) We got to experience different food from different themed restaurants each night it was incredible , the food was to die for. i'm almost afraid to cook for my family again..somehow my stir fry's and pasta dishes don't compare. There were theater performances everynight, and movies on the beach, kids entertainment, water sport activities ... christy and darcy took scuba lessons, everything i have mentioned was included in the price. The sunsets, breathtaking! Dacry and i got to appreciate it in peace one night when the girls discovered where the internet cafe was...can't get away from everything i guess, even though i purposely left te laptop at home. It was difficult to leave the resort but i knew we had to see more of Mexico than sand and water because we were staying 40 mins outside of the city of Peurto Vallarta(actually in a different state) we went into town and the girls got a glimpse of a different side of Mexico. Now we had told the girls about the bartering system in Mexico as did some of their friends but funny enough when we did some research and realized that the average hotel worker makes about 10.00 a day and crafters not much more...bartering went out the window, the kids couldn't do it , they said "we wouldn't do this in American Eagle or Wal Mart it would be embarassing...wow how real that moment was) speaking of which...there is a walmart in Puerto Vallarta, and as i talked to one of the Mexican tourism guys who used to live in Vancouver he told me that Walmart was brought in specifically for the tourists , most average Mexican families cannot afford Walmart..unbelivable! so besides trying to get a 3 for a better price deal my kids did not really learn the skill of bartering (bad mom). The kids got to swim with the dolphins , that was pretty cool. Brittanny was a little that we couldn't get one for a pet when we got home. We came back everyday to nice clean rooms, a dream come true for me...(the kids had a seperate room) we tipped well ...when they say tips included ...don't believe it ..tip...God only knows what all inclusive tips really means...some of these hotels are owned by N.Americans/Europeans..Anyways i walked into the girls rooms after they were getting ready one morning and it looked like a bomb went off "clean this up before we go please" ...their response..not the smartest thing to say...c'mon you know what they said..something about "the maid will do it , we left her a tip" Get your spoiled north american butt back there and clean it up " there is a difference between cleaning your room and being a slob" Besides i didn't want them to get too used to someone cleaning up after them it would be to much of a shock for them when they got home so i was actually being quite kind to them.(good mom)
We were lucky enough one night to be able to go to dinner with our very good friends and partners in hell "The Lays" Logans family... and her grandparents/ extended family.Devon..we got to know them while we spent time at BCCH. Logan has been fighting for 4 1/2 years with brain cancer and is just amazing...Brody and Brittanny hit it off quite well and the girls and Logan all played video games while we adults ate, drank and were merry( merlot will do that to ya) it was so great to spend time with them off hosptial sight somewhere where cancer was far away from us all , but of course never too far , it was the 2 month anniversary of ashley that day and i had not seen Jen and her family since the service so i had a bit of a moment before we made it to the Italian restaurant , but once there we dd we remembered ashley with joy and smiles and some teasing of "life with dr.s at BCCH"The song Moonriver came on and that song always makes me feel peaceful so i knew we were at the right place at the right time with the right people. I hope they were able to get away from all of it for a while, and if i know Jen ...their family is soaking up "the moment" as i write this.
Probably one of our most favourite days was our last full day in Mexico , i hummed and hawed about booking us a zip line tour , the girls had heard about this and seen pics of it and were dying to try it, Britt included.. I, on the other hand hate heights have a fear of falling and generally feel like i ve faced enough fear for one year but after much deliberation and Darcy hardly caring one way or the other if we did it, we booked it ..unreturnable so we had to go now at that price. The trip up there was an adventure, all through the mountains and jungles of Mexico, the driving laws in mexico(if there are any ) are quite frightening as is there modes of transporation..The road to the Zipline..well if you can imagine a one lane dirt road through the fraser canyon with no speed limit in a open air run down kinda caravan(i dont mean the doge minivan) and seatbelts that look like there made of tin soup cans then thats a visual of what this trip was like ..oh did i meniton the driver lives on tips ...sweeeeet ride...not! The desparity of income levels could not be more prevelant as it was on the way up this mountain..on the oceanside were these crazy "out of this world" kinda houses ..no , i mean villas , they were stunning..who lives like this? Across the street on the mountainside , the dirt side, were thatched homes with sparkling white laundry starching in the hot sun while a mexican mother and her babies sell papaya form their delapitated porch. It was nuts!!!do we have that here too? is it just not as clear? i don't know
Ok, the zipline...did i mention i hate heights..well there is a group of lovely young Mexican men whom my daughter would have loved to have taken home as pets(no not brittanny..christy!) who are well skilled at easing the fear and panic of moms in a very eye candy kinda way. They put on a great show and before i could say give me a tequila shot we were harnessed and helmetted up ready to start ... this trip very quickly made sense to me....follow along... The trip up here brought thoughts to my head like"i feel like something is going to happen , im on dangerous ground here" "next we had to prepare for the "journey" "never had to put on gear like this before" "a 14 line journey of fear sounds like a 14 month journey of fear" first line ...leap of faith..not so bad ..got a taste for it , got through it ...not so bad ..we can do this" as the months ...oh i mean ziplines increased so did the intensity so did the fear...it wasn't getting easier it was getting scarier ...by the seventh month... oh i mean seventh zipline things were really freaky no more little stuff out came the big guns...canyons ...with high places to fall from..my daughter was starting to think this isn't getting any easier .."i want to stop" she said, "i can't do this anymore" i wanted to pack her up and run down the canyon but i knew we had to stay i told her i was scared too...you know what she said " well mom i guess we just have to face our fears together" "They" told me not to worry that they were going to take good care of her( this sounded all too familiar, i didn't buy it ) we were 500 feet up and i had to trust this guy that he was right, she went by herself and as she stepped off the platform all by herself i knew i couldnt control what happened next i just had to have faith that whatever happened she was somehow protetected...the on lookers were amazed at how brave she was and how we, her family looked more scared than she ...but they didn't know that we had already said goodbye to one daughter this year, why were we taking these risks at this particular time was beyond me, i think there were even times we all wanted to turn back and say forget it lets dont do anything scary again. There was a time when she was going over the canyon and she didnt have enough weight behind her to get across, there she sat suspended on a line in the middle of another scary place and i wanted to run out and grab her cause i thought she would be so scared waiting for someone to rescue her and when he came and brought her safely across she didnt look scared. i was so relieved, the journey ended , we were ok , scared, relieved and all together.. we did it , we faced it , and faith worked.. We were so grateful. Hope you caught the symbolism.
Anyways, back to the fun stuff... I highly recommend everyone try all inclusive at least once in their life, it was a real treat, the kids were spoiled, we did all the tacky tourist stuff, and looked the part im sure , darcy with his straw hat and flower shirt, me and the girls with our braided hair , Mexican flower dresses and fake tattoos,(butterflies) we got sucked into it all ,(except time share...good boy darcy), mostly because as i sat there drinking my ice cold margeritas i need to releive myself of the unfairness as these people walked up and own the beaches trying to make a buck, i liked to see all the colours together of their handy work whether it was braclets or dresses or blankets it all looks so beautiful when the colours are all mixed in ,made me want to buy and it was nice to spend a few minutes asking them a question or two about their work as we picked out our treasures..call me a sucker..not so bad as darcy i think he paid double on a few things he is such a sucker for a seniorita calling him senor.I am glad to be home, i feel closer to Ashley here and wondered alot how she would have liked this trip, some parts yes and some parts no , i think she would have felt a little uncomfortable with all the service, it was nice at first but sometimes its "too much" it doesn't seem right to be waited on that much , yes i know we paid for it and yes i now it helps tourism there blah blah blah but it still feels like too much and they are so friendly about it , one thing i know about myself it that there is no way i could work there i would have been fired day 1 could not have handled the arrogant attitudes of some of our neighbours to the south(sorry my american friends i dont mean all of you i mean some form those" live big states" who think canadians aren't doing their job in the war..yep these are the same people who think all -inclusive means you dont have to use your manners or thank the staff it was sick and i would have not been a gracious friendly highly trained represntative of Mexico had i worked there...(note to self...no tourism work for you missy) Glad to be home , kids with some colour , Darcy hopefully a little relaxed and me, actually contimplating going back to work..(.have to pay for it all now,call you later boss)glad to have had the experience,could live on the beach forever with no service. But we still come back to find the same things waiting for us, somethings hard, somethings soft and somethings just the way its meant to be.
Thank you for all your well-wishes, had a margerita for each and every one of you.

Peace,
Lori

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