goodbye
Wednesday, March 11, 2009 at 8:56am | Edit Note | Delete
I remember when i received ashley's birth certificate in the mail weeks after she was born, i studied every letter of it to make sure all was correct but mostly because i loved to see her new name, her identity , her entrance into this world in print, it made me proud that i was partly responsible for this beautiful piece of paper , it put me into a proud new club.
Today, her dad and i had to pick up a piece of paper that looked eerily similar to that birth certificate but couldn't have been so terribly opposite. I again studied every letter , every word , and again i cried , but this time because it was the the departure form this world in print, but i was still proud , i was just in a new club.
I have sat down at his computer several times to write about our final step in this never ending journey but never knew where to start.
Maybe, i will start from this moment and work backwards...this moment right now is ok , i think? and thats how we measure ..moment by moment, i am doing what nurtures me ...writing... darcy is at the gym working out ( he left too early this morning for me to go with) Brittanny sits near me building blocks and each of the other girls are at sleepovers...always a teenage cure all! So for this moment i think we are coping. Ask us in 5 minutes and it could all change,a song may come on the radio that we will find sad significance to ...it happened the other day at the store and we had to leave.".forget groceries for another day , wait til we're a bit stronger, we don't really need anything anyways".
Maybe Ashleys pj's show up in the laundry and we wonder what to do with them...or we drive by her school to see her name in lights bidding her goodbye. You just never know when the rush of reality will show up.
On the other hand i have to admit i have been filled with such a sense of peace at times that it almost frightens me that its a mask of denial. I know its not denial though because i was there, i lied next to her and said goodbye, it was too late she was gone but she said goodbye to me though in a dream moments before when i lied down for the first time all night and prayed to God to take her pain away , the hardest prayer i've ever prayed, my prayers were answered and i cried selfish prayers of wanting her back and selfless tears that she was free of all of it now... finally. When the dr. awoke me i swore i was still in the dream and the distinction between dream and reality could not be made , it was only moments ago i lie in the bed next to her. My first instinct was to put "Sophy" her dog close to her for a goodbye.(The one night we asked for sophy to spend the night..weird) We all spent sacred moments with ashley saying goodbye, it was a privlege to be in her presence as she came into this world but equally just as much when she left. I am a good mom , i say that not boastfully but thankfully, thankful because i got to mother my baby again, i got to lie with her and read to her, i got to help bathe her , and massage her and tell her that im right there for her...how many moms get to do that for their 16 year old daughter....its perspective sometimes, another lesson on the journey
Jumping back and forth, i can't begin to tell you what the proccess is like to plan a service for your 16 year old daughter in 5 days , but what i can tell you is that there is no way you can't do it alone...you have to have amazing sisters (creative geniouses and taskmasters) "get dirty" kinda friends...friends with tears in their eyes and casseroles in their hands...spiritual leaders to hold your hand through the details...oh and probably a clear decision on burial or cremation between you and hubby.I wish that week i had to go shopping for a dress for the dance for Ashley, but it was an outfit for her final dance on this earth, i didn't think there was anything good enough for that occassion for my little girl , but we found it at winners, weird, that there isn't a section in the store for that kinda thing
The planning kept us busy because we needed everything to be perfect and symbolic and i think that goal was achieved , it was beautiful wasnt't it? She looked beautiful , for those of you not at he private service it was exteremely sacred and peaceful and quiet , the girls all spoke from there heart as did her friend Baillie and her dad and i . and it was a chance to look at her beautiful face again, she looked the best i'd seen her in weeks i just wanted to wake her up , she looked well enough to go riding her bike or taking her dog for a walk, and i was sure she probably was.
The truth is folks is that i lost my girl in bits and pieces so many months ago, l lost a bit of her when she was diagnosed , when she lost her hair , when she was losing weight,when they imposed her very first scar and then when that wasn't big enough a 16 inch one 5 months later, i lost even more when she spent special days in the hospital instead of being a teenager..when she no longer had the energy to walk her dog or go to school. This journey was never full of much light as far as beating the disease , i think we knew kinda right from the beginning that we were on a bumpy road, although i never wrote too much about the bad stuff it was nearly always filled with dismal news , usually came as a blindside and when it no longer was a blindside i knew that there was such thing as hell on earth because hope was fading, even in light of the assumed good cure rate.
So if my hope was fading in what this world could offer ..what do i do? Change what i have to have hope in? Needless to say that along this journey our spiritual life has changed and if you attended her service you probably might think "the loweys" religious? huh? i didn't know? truth is it was a process i don't even know if you can call it religious, i don't know tons about the bible. Call it spiritual..maybe... but ask me if i believe in God ..Yes! unashamed! i believe myself to be Christian..i know the fancy terms now is to believe in a higher power , or light , or the universe, and that is just fine...but when you are on the ground writhing around in emotional pain , crying out because the dr has told you your daughter is going to die, it is GOD I cried out to, its primitive , it is GOd i pray to send me a miracle, it is God i confess to and it was God i begged to end my baby's pain and it was God that answered that prayer..am i mad that he didnt answer the first prayer? well i'm a mom... a human mom... so the human mom part of me wanted her here but not at the expense of her pain and suffering.
What have i learned on this spiritual journey? well that is still a work in progress and i don't think i'll ever be a timid quiet church girl , i have too much to say... usually in my own way, however i'm working on presentation... a little bit (not too much)... but it doesn't matter who you are what you look like , you're all good enough to know what i know , that this world is temporary , transient , this is a place to practice being good to one another to teach yourselves and especially your children to believe in something bigger than yourself ( I call it God) My daughter took us to church something i didn't have growing up , i almost dismissed her desires and i am so glad i didnt she was our catalyst and if i do nothing else in my life i am proud that i listened to her that i followed her,not so she could go to youth group every friday night instead of partying on the streets , not because it gave her a sense of leadership when she was a Sunday school helper not becaUSe she was a singer with the church christmas choir and not even because her sisters are taking over those positons for her, it is all these things, but it is because she beieved in something before she left this world , maybe she knew she was going to a better place..was she scared? im damned sure she was... , of pain and leaving us maybe! ..but not of who she was going to meet...she knew because she had something to believe in...maybe somewhere in her she knew she would need faith and so would her parents one day so she lead us there, i'm so grateful to her,. This is not to convert anyone , i don';t care how you do it just give your children something to believe in before they get too old or to set in your ways to not adopt that innocent belief that bold decison. This can be done in many ways sometimes it just helps to have helpers, youth group leaders ,pastors, peers, examples etc. , ashley loved it , sometimes i think she rolled her eyes at us thinking to herself"boy do i have my work cut out for me" We learned much about spiritaulity through the people that travelled this same journey , people that are spiritual teachers that don't even know it...they are servants because they didn't ask any questions ..they just - did! they were just present? they offered their understanding their tears their shoulder their common path ...these people drew themselves close to us at the end like they were called to us , they knew... some of them were the last people i spoke to in the days prior.So that is another spirtual lesson learned...pay close attention to the people in your life the ones that are there always and the ones that are there for blips of time they are like messengers , God sends you angels when you ask for them and they are not always toting bibles or playing the harp they are real people...you...me ..whomever..they are gifts.
Where do we go from here...it has been four days since i started this note , so yes we've had some bad days in there, a few laughs and alot of remembering, living room camp outs etc.. we will continue to remember Ashley in some very special ways...Her school is starting a scholarship in her name so we will have some input on that, although we decided on cremation she will have a marker at Musselwhite , we pass by musselwhite on our way to church, she is on the hilltop she can symbolically wave as we drive by on the sundays that i get my butt outta bed. we will name a star after her, and my project his year is to plant a butterfly garden for her and release butterflies on her birthday..as you may have guessed butterflies were the symbol of her life. We finished finally picking out an urn, i know this sounds morbid but its another decision that we have stewed about, but requires a perfect choice. Soon you will see us all wearing special necklaces , know that we are carrying Ashley with us.
Thank you to everyone during this time i wish i could list everything and everybody, there was such an outpouring of love and support , i will never say this journey was a gift , but i will say there has been gifts along the way, the service was one of them , the work and guidance and participation that went into it from my family, friends, hendersons and cascade pastors and office workers and volunteers was extraoridinary, as well as the speakers they all brought ashley to life... we took great delight in the recieving line (Iknow many people are wondering how/why we did this) we heard so may great things about Ashley and we continue to hear how she is touching peoples lives , we are grateful for this..her recent oncologist out here said he didn't even know what she really looked like(prior to cancer) until the day of the service ..he was blown away by who she was. She had a beautiful life and if you have been touched by her life or her death we would love to hear form you. We continue to work through this and pray for you to stay close to us. We have been witness to the beauty of the human condition. Our life is weird right now , not sure what were supposed to be doing, no more appointments, scans,radiololoists, oncoligst, pain doctors etc etc. Darcy is gradually back at work,kids are camp leaders at VBS this spring break and we may try to sneak off for a little trip , still carrying on ashleys tradition of tormenting her sisters into bekieving were going to Nunavit for a vacation...her spirit lives on.
love and peace
lori
Written over a year ago · Comment · Like
Janice Olson Oh Lori - As always, this blog is so full, so expressive, so complete. It made me cry, it made me smile, it made me contemplate. It also made me print it out - I need to share this with my children. I need them to hear your message which is, really, Ashley's message. They have followed this journey through conversations with me. They have also... See More
March 11, 2009 at 9:36am ·
Leigh-ann Froats beautifully written lori. thanks for sharing all that. i miss her, and i miss all of you too.
peace be with you
March 11, 2009 at 12:01pm ·
Tracey Kasper Im lost for words.Thank you for opening up your heart and soul. You truley amaze me with your words.
All our love to you and your family,today tomorrow and forever!
Orlando,Tracey, Brandon,Baillie,Gage and Quinton
March 11, 2009 at 12:33pm ·
Shannon Thomson Lori, thank you. Your honesty is astounding and as always so well articulated. It is a privilege to be able to read these stories and to have insight into your journey. I genuinely believe that the impact of Ashley's life is so much greater than you could ever know, the people known and unknown to her and your family who have been touched and ... See More
March 11, 2009 at 3:43pm ·
Darcy Lowey I've completely crumbled , and a lot of the time don't know how to carry on little own stop crying since that shitty nightmare morning. But I do know that with out you , and the person you are , I'd have not made this far. I miss her so much this you know , and I love you more every day. The truth is though, I'll have to read this again later when I can do so with out balling my eyes out and loosing my place on every line , you are the strongest women I,ve ever known , and my best friend
March 11, 2009 at 7:56pm ·
Julianne Newell-Wease I thank you all so much for what you have taught me about me about family bonds and I know that you all will be there to support the need that arrives so silent and challenges our faith and our beliefs but I know that God Our Father lifts us up and promises me everlasting lasting life through His Son, Jesus Christ my savior.
You are anispiration ... See More
March 11, 2009 at 11:33pm ·
Jennifer Montgomery 4 years into this.... and I have learned how not to cry. Not very often do I really bellyache, bawl...the kind with sadness, and joy and pride all at the same moment. Not very often to I lose my breath anymore to the stuffed up nose and heart throbbing pain. I guess..it is mainly because not very often do I ever hear anything, read anything, believe anything...that is quite as real, and as honest as these words that you write to us
From the first moment I met you Lori in the clinic, I just loved you.and when I heard you speak your clear unpracticed words...I knew I loved you more.
You are more than a great mom, you are an exceptional mom. Ashley knew that before she even came here. I am both honored and priviledged to know you all, but mostly I am so filled with pride to have witnessed these moments you speak of and to know in my heart these moments you have shared.
I think about you every hour, every moment, every second.
with so much Love
Jen
March 12, 2009 at 12:16am ·
Claudette Hansen Lori, thank-you for again sharing your deepest feelings and thoughts. You are truly inspiring, the way you can write, relay the journey. Also how you've been able to take this gift and make it a therapeutic resourse blows me away. Your strength & courage, I can learn alot from you. Your in my thoughts everyday, love you,Claudette
March 12, 2009 at 9:31am ·
Shakira Hansen I dont even know what to say, words cannot express the way I feel, for you all and ashley. She was a Wonderful person who accomplished so much in her life, and I look up to her for that, and so i now continue on with life with her in my memory and on my mind all the time. She meant so much more to me and so many others than i could have ever ... See More
March 13, 2009 at 10:52pm ·
The Journey of a butterfly...Ashleys life has become symbolic of a butterfly, peaceful beautiful and free to fly where the wind takes her. We have a white butterfly that flies around us in the garden in the springtime where the other girls play. Irish folklore tells us that a white butterfly is the rebirth of a deceased child's soul reborn into something even more beautiful than before...our butterfly
June 29 1992 - February 16 2009
Welcome to the Journey of a Butterfly
We invite you to follow along one family's journey through grief and loss, one brave young girl's journey through faith and inspiration, this is not a blog to convert anyone , nor is it a blog about fundraising , it is what i hope will reach another family on a similar journey, we are not experts , i could not give you a magic remedy for how one gets through disease and devestation but it is our story , sometimes gut wrenching other time heartwarming and all of the time, i guarantee, very real. We are not perfect, we struggle daily and i think that the more we connect to one another the more we understand what this journey through life is all about . Sometimes that path is bumpy and we fall down, sometimes we sit and stop a while,or take a step back and other times we pound our fists on the pavement like a lunatic , still other times we find ourselves picking eachother up dusting eachother off and walking alongside them even if only for short time. This blog is dedicated to Ashley , her sisters and every single angel that picked us up along this road.
This is an introduction to the beginning and middle part of our journey the specific blogs are more indepth , the end...well there will never be an end to this journey i've come to realize that , not on this earth, for now we just assimilate it into our life like a hole , a missing limb, a continous ache that you just learn to live with.
When Ashley was about 12 years old she asked if she could go to youth group at a local church , i didn't have any church upbringing but know i craved it throughout my life , this was a rare opportunity and i recognized that if i didn't embrace it now she may lose her interst in it very quickly and beocme a jaded, cynical, stubborn person like her mom. My husband grew up in a very religious (shove it down your throat) kinda religion( i wont mention any names)or maybe it was the way he was raised ? Anyways i encouraged her to go because the community we had moved to embraced this kinda thing so i thought why not? Naturally and shortly after she started attending she was soon encouraging us to go , she had made quite a leadership name for herself there , pionner leader , sunday school helper etc, i was comfortable for the first time in my life going to a church, maybe it was the first word that greeted you as you walked in..."belong" maybe it was because they embraced community and outreach service in our city , dont know, but soon found it very therapeutic, cheaper than a shrink, and our other 3 girls jumped on board pretty quickly, my husband well... a work in progress , he communes with God in a fishing boat he says , although makes many efforts to go even if just for good way to start the week, i was still cynical , felt i wasnt holy enough but went anyways.
Ashley was scheduled to sing a solo in the church choir Dec 16 2007 , i was scared for her, i was sure she got her singing skills from me which was nil at best. She sang beautifully and you couldnt tell she had been complaining of cramps , something i chalked up to girls stuff/growing pains for a couple weeks off and on, she was an active healthy girl. When the performnce was done we got our christmas tree and i took her to the clinic to have it checked out before Christmas , they sent us to our local hosptial for tests , i was worried it was appendix. Darcy, my husband left the hosptial to go pick up our other 3 girls from friends houses , i caught the doctor in the ahallways and asked if the ulstrasound pictures were back, i remember having eye contact with Ashley only feet away from me but far enough away for her not to hear the doctor to so impassionaltely say "its not appendix, it looks like cancer", i have to stop as i write this because it is still one of the 2 biggest shocks in my entire life, i think i ran down the hallways screaming with no sound coming from my throat and not knowing where i was running . I phoned Darcy and words didnt come out of my mouth. Before I knew it we were at out local Childrens Hospital(100km away) meeting oncologiosts , being give an "oncology team" which consisted of a primary nurse, a social worker, a main oncologist and a shrink....wait a minute ...what is an oncologist? yep, a cancer doctor, this was the real thing . we waited 4 days to find out what type we were dealing with ... it was curable 90 % even though she was stage 4 , how the hell can my kid have stage 4 cancer and only a few cramps , it was mind bending. We were thrown stright into a world so foriegn to us , everything stopped ..jobs ..PAC meetings ,carppoling and yes even some friends who"couldn't handle it" it was no longer our own beds , our own home, our own anything. Treatments and life became unbearable , the 90% cure rate was not looking good at any stage throughout our journey , it seemd to be always full of negative news to the point where i couldnt stand the face of her oncologist , it nearly made me want to vomit everytime i saw him...The words they briefed us on as we began this mind altering path was " one of you will grieve through this process and no matter the out come the other will grieve after " they couldn't have been more right.......Ashley insisted on going to church on Christmas eve, two nights before she was to start chemo at the end of the service our pastor came to pray with us , i didn't know many people in the church , but wow did they know Ashley, when we rose our heads from bowing in prayer the whole congregation was surrounding us , i knew at that moment who i was going to need to get me through this ...would he be willing to listen to me...
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