reunion
Friday, April 3, 2009 at 9:53am | Edit Note | Delete
Okay, this note is not my typical blog blog blog... i was wondering the other day whether to keep on with writing after my main subject(cancer) is no longer the focus of our life, however, i realized that during this journey we opened ourselves up and it was not only about cancer it was about one familys struggle in this thing we call life , so ,maybe our lives are on hold from the high drama and roller coaster ride it once was but we still keep on having "lowey moments " so i i will continue to write here and there, read only what you want, this is for fun , it is like spiritual exercise for me.
So a quick update on the latest...well...still taking it day by day ..still not sure of what were supposed to be doing...We are going to Mexico, mostly for a change of scenery and to spoil the kids a little its been a while since they've had a vacation or even a get away so im hoping that a 5 star all inclusive will satisfy their little "how come we nevers." We may not be going for the same reason everyone else goes but i do plan on lying on the beach and soaking up rays after being deprived of natural sunlight on the fluorescant induced cancer ward for so long. I am planning a bathing suit /bikini shopping trip with the girls this weekend ...does anyone know where you can buy a magic bikini?..you know the ones and if you dont know what i'im talking about...you suck!
We recently got a family membership to the new ARC so darcy and i have been working out quite a bit, unfortunately they dont sell abs for mexico anywhere so i guess its the old fashioned thing...exercise..no really..its been a good stress reliever and again not much time for that stuff last year, however, i did mention a parents gym for my wish list for the new childrens hospital so we'll see if my nagging paid off , hope none of you have to find out.
HHHMMMMM what else is new? oh yeah! for those who have been talking me out of my grade 7 reunion...i didn't listen , do i ever? I have to say i had a really good time despite the "carrie 3 " episode it could have been. I took my best friend Patty with me and glad i did, she keeps me from saying things i really shouldn't, (it works both ways )so thank you Patty. If you ever want to visit your "mini me" go to a 30 reunion from grade 7 when you have really not seen the people in that many years..its mind blowing ..especially when you see pictures of yourself that you dont even remember being taken(okay for those of you who know the scoop..thats not what im talking about) It was so wonderful to see the people who shaped your formative years , to look back and remember how cool you thought you were , to hear the music of the mid 70"s like fleetwood mac and abba and bay city rollers, to see that yes flared jeans were "in" back then. hard to look at the valiant efforts we made to replicate Farrah Fawcett's feathered hair-do. It was such a time of innocence i remember carefree days of leaving the house on my bike in the morning and not returning until dark at the age of 11 ...could we do that know ??? not unless you are ready to turn your kids over to some predator or child services ..your choice. Now, we have to arrange "play dates" when the hell did things go from that to this ...well i could probably tell you..right about that time because one of our classmates was actually a victim of Olsons terror so i'm assuming we were the last of the innocent age. I brought home a dvd from the reunion which featured one of my old classmates interviewing our gr 6 science teacher about the "chicken project" (anybody under the age of 30 should close there ears this gets graphic) we had to boil the skin off a dead chicken after disecting it, then remove all the bones and glue them back on cardboard in the right stucture??My children were horrifed..we thought nothing of it.
We also talked about peanut butter ..i know there are many kids allergic and i'm sure if my kid was one of them i'd be on the biggest soap box right now, but the word it self seems dirty now , peanut butter! its as canadian as ..well..maple syrup..im sure thats next, my heart goes out to those who cant afford much more than that , peanut butter is good protien and goes along way, i think i lived on it for many years .
Anyways, back to the reunion i appreciate all those offers of sending me to the reunion with armed police officers (leigh ann ..nancy)i'm good ...there were many laughs, many apologies, many memories, much empathy and a chance to get away from it for a while was kinda nice..felt like i had an angel watching over me the whole time...i think we know i did. Thanks for reading.
Peace,
Lori
Written over a year ago · Comment · Like
The Journey of a butterfly...Ashleys life has become symbolic of a butterfly, peaceful beautiful and free to fly where the wind takes her. We have a white butterfly that flies around us in the garden in the springtime where the other girls play. Irish folklore tells us that a white butterfly is the rebirth of a deceased child's soul reborn into something even more beautiful than before...our butterfly
June 29 1992 - February 16 2009
Welcome to the Journey of a Butterfly
We invite you to follow along one family's journey through grief and loss, one brave young girl's journey through faith and inspiration, this is not a blog to convert anyone , nor is it a blog about fundraising , it is what i hope will reach another family on a similar journey, we are not experts , i could not give you a magic remedy for how one gets through disease and devestation but it is our story , sometimes gut wrenching other time heartwarming and all of the time, i guarantee, very real. We are not perfect, we struggle daily and i think that the more we connect to one another the more we understand what this journey through life is all about . Sometimes that path is bumpy and we fall down, sometimes we sit and stop a while,or take a step back and other times we pound our fists on the pavement like a lunatic , still other times we find ourselves picking eachother up dusting eachother off and walking alongside them even if only for short time. This blog is dedicated to Ashley , her sisters and every single angel that picked us up along this road.
This is an introduction to the beginning and middle part of our journey the specific blogs are more indepth , the end...well there will never be an end to this journey i've come to realize that , not on this earth, for now we just assimilate it into our life like a hole , a missing limb, a continous ache that you just learn to live with.
When Ashley was about 12 years old she asked if she could go to youth group at a local church , i didn't have any church upbringing but know i craved it throughout my life , this was a rare opportunity and i recognized that if i didn't embrace it now she may lose her interst in it very quickly and beocme a jaded, cynical, stubborn person like her mom. My husband grew up in a very religious (shove it down your throat) kinda religion( i wont mention any names)or maybe it was the way he was raised ? Anyways i encouraged her to go because the community we had moved to embraced this kinda thing so i thought why not? Naturally and shortly after she started attending she was soon encouraging us to go , she had made quite a leadership name for herself there , pionner leader , sunday school helper etc, i was comfortable for the first time in my life going to a church, maybe it was the first word that greeted you as you walked in..."belong" maybe it was because they embraced community and outreach service in our city , dont know, but soon found it very therapeutic, cheaper than a shrink, and our other 3 girls jumped on board pretty quickly, my husband well... a work in progress , he communes with God in a fishing boat he says , although makes many efforts to go even if just for good way to start the week, i was still cynical , felt i wasnt holy enough but went anyways.
Ashley was scheduled to sing a solo in the church choir Dec 16 2007 , i was scared for her, i was sure she got her singing skills from me which was nil at best. She sang beautifully and you couldnt tell she had been complaining of cramps , something i chalked up to girls stuff/growing pains for a couple weeks off and on, she was an active healthy girl. When the performnce was done we got our christmas tree and i took her to the clinic to have it checked out before Christmas , they sent us to our local hosptial for tests , i was worried it was appendix. Darcy, my husband left the hosptial to go pick up our other 3 girls from friends houses , i caught the doctor in the ahallways and asked if the ulstrasound pictures were back, i remember having eye contact with Ashley only feet away from me but far enough away for her not to hear the doctor to so impassionaltely say "its not appendix, it looks like cancer", i have to stop as i write this because it is still one of the 2 biggest shocks in my entire life, i think i ran down the hallways screaming with no sound coming from my throat and not knowing where i was running . I phoned Darcy and words didnt come out of my mouth. Before I knew it we were at out local Childrens Hospital(100km away) meeting oncologiosts , being give an "oncology team" which consisted of a primary nurse, a social worker, a main oncologist and a shrink....wait a minute ...what is an oncologist? yep, a cancer doctor, this was the real thing . we waited 4 days to find out what type we were dealing with ... it was curable 90 % even though she was stage 4 , how the hell can my kid have stage 4 cancer and only a few cramps , it was mind bending. We were thrown stright into a world so foriegn to us , everything stopped ..jobs ..PAC meetings ,carppoling and yes even some friends who"couldn't handle it" it was no longer our own beds , our own home, our own anything. Treatments and life became unbearable , the 90% cure rate was not looking good at any stage throughout our journey , it seemd to be always full of negative news to the point where i couldnt stand the face of her oncologist , it nearly made me want to vomit everytime i saw him...The words they briefed us on as we began this mind altering path was " one of you will grieve through this process and no matter the out come the other will grieve after " they couldn't have been more right.......Ashley insisted on going to church on Christmas eve, two nights before she was to start chemo at the end of the service our pastor came to pray with us , i didn't know many people in the church , but wow did they know Ashley, when we rose our heads from bowing in prayer the whole congregation was surrounding us , i knew at that moment who i was going to need to get me through this ...would he be willing to listen to me...
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