One year ...consider joining us
Friday, February 12, 2010 at 12:10am | Edit Note | Delete
Wow, i sit here plugging away at the keys wondering where this year went , could it possibly be a year already? it can't be! it was yesterday.. it was ten yeas ago... my reference of time is skewed its like a floating memory one that bounces between milestones, in and out , up and down. Could we have already had our terrible firsts of everything this year? did we make it through? why does everything seem so hazey , like a thick fog when the reality of loss was as clear as glass, broken glass. Did seasons change? were birthdays celebrated? Was Christmas and snow cancelled this year ? Did someone dress me in a cloak of numbness so i could sail over top of the event so it seemed like i observed the whole year from a baclcony seat at a theater watching my life , our life unfold like a play , like an assistant director, only having partial say as to when and how the next scene would look.
I say this because although we all have control over how we view an event sometimes we can't make it better for someone else , sometimes an emotion arises , i cant even call it an emotion not in the usual sense and it kinda takes over your body your mind it doesnt have a reference point a well knkown guage, its all new and it points you into directions youve never gone before , un- chartered territory , for some that is a scary place its hard to face , other times its like a secret a beautiful secret that that you can believe in so it leads you from darkness into light, it helps you sail , its softens the blows. it penetrates the sword for you and other times it makes you feel all the pain for awhile so you can have new pictures in your mind safe pictures hopeful pictures ones that don't involve the worldly pains we all must face, takes you to another time,a place of peace and healing.
One thing is for sure that we must travel our own road of grief, helping to pick up those who can't bear to take another step ,we must keep a stack of snapshots with us at all times so we can pull one out of our back pocket and show them what that picture, what that future could look like. For now its staying on the road , one step at a time , sitting to rest a while , maybe even taking a few steps back to try again, lifting and being lifted , crawling , pounding fists upon the pavement, but always always staying on the road.
Tuesday, febraury 16 will be one year since Ashley left us to be with God, I know she is at peace and everytime i think of what she is missing i remind myself of the beauty she is creating and that of what she has left behind.
We struggled with how to celebrtate or commemerate the day and finally came up with a few ideas that we would like to share and include you in. Recently, we had Ashleys grave marker designed and completed, My brother in law , Darcys brother Jamie, did a beautiful job captured everything we needed and wanted to say inculding a beautiful golden butterfly which im hoping to share that significance with you in the near future. We are grateful to have had someone close in the family create such a beautiful piece, the marker is symbolic only , Ashley is not buried nor cremated there , it is a place of remeberance .
Anyways, on Tuesday morning 11:00am we will meet with our family friends pastor and whoever else would like to join us at Musselwhite cemetary to dedicate the marker and to say a few words /prayers of remeberace. this wil be a short cermeony. We understand that not everyone will feel comfortable doing this so feel free to visit Ashleys marker, anyone, anytime , we will leave a small box at her site for the day, if you would like to leave a letter , poem or something small feel free to do so we will pick it up later that day , flowers etc. will remain at the site. Later that day for those of you who would like to we will have an open house(at our place) between 4:00 and 7:00 pm if you would like to pop by have a cup of tea for coffee snacks and a hug.
If neither of these ideas are do-able or comfortable for you we totally understand we just want to give people ways in which they can remeber Ashley , here are a few others .... we would love to hear how your year has been , youve heard all about us this year we would like to know how this year has effected you , has it been difficult? have you had some epiphanies? have you done someting different? by the way , we love to hear and see pics of Ashley all througjout the year , please dont feel like we'll fall apart, if anyhting they are tearsof joy and it warms our heart esp when we hear how shes touched people. You can do this via facebook, letter, email, video ,pictures, artwork , doesn't matter we'd love it!!!!! Or please consider a random act of kindness in Ashleys name , she was all about charity/giving etc so anything is possible, food donation to the food bank , or salvation army , give blood ( i think she drained the whole system for about a year) drop some dog food off at SPCA , whatever you may be inclined to do, love to hear about it or donation to BCCH pediatric oncology research or BCCCPA or hey even donations to the comfort bags. or her scholarship which is now in print , check it our GRADS! Do not feel obligated to any of these things they are just ideas , no need to put out any money on anything (we'll be hittin ya up during fundraising lol)i know people feel like they want/need to do something , do whatever feels right or just say a prayer or light a candle. Thank you all so much for getting us through this year , we have had some great moments this year as well and believe me when i say her spirit really does live on , their have been so many "little things" and great people this year that just fill us up and keep hope and faith floating. Thanks everyone!!!
Peace,
Lori
The Journey of a butterfly...Ashleys life has become symbolic of a butterfly, peaceful beautiful and free to fly where the wind takes her. We have a white butterfly that flies around us in the garden in the springtime where the other girls play. Irish folklore tells us that a white butterfly is the rebirth of a deceased child's soul reborn into something even more beautiful than before...our butterfly
June 29 1992 - February 16 2009
Welcome to the Journey of a Butterfly
We invite you to follow along one family's journey through grief and loss, one brave young girl's journey through faith and inspiration, this is not a blog to convert anyone , nor is it a blog about fundraising , it is what i hope will reach another family on a similar journey, we are not experts , i could not give you a magic remedy for how one gets through disease and devestation but it is our story , sometimes gut wrenching other time heartwarming and all of the time, i guarantee, very real. We are not perfect, we struggle daily and i think that the more we connect to one another the more we understand what this journey through life is all about . Sometimes that path is bumpy and we fall down, sometimes we sit and stop a while,or take a step back and other times we pound our fists on the pavement like a lunatic , still other times we find ourselves picking eachother up dusting eachother off and walking alongside them even if only for short time. This blog is dedicated to Ashley , her sisters and every single angel that picked us up along this road.
This is an introduction to the beginning and middle part of our journey the specific blogs are more indepth , the end...well there will never be an end to this journey i've come to realize that , not on this earth, for now we just assimilate it into our life like a hole , a missing limb, a continous ache that you just learn to live with.
When Ashley was about 12 years old she asked if she could go to youth group at a local church , i didn't have any church upbringing but know i craved it throughout my life , this was a rare opportunity and i recognized that if i didn't embrace it now she may lose her interst in it very quickly and beocme a jaded, cynical, stubborn person like her mom. My husband grew up in a very religious (shove it down your throat) kinda religion( i wont mention any names)or maybe it was the way he was raised ? Anyways i encouraged her to go because the community we had moved to embraced this kinda thing so i thought why not? Naturally and shortly after she started attending she was soon encouraging us to go , she had made quite a leadership name for herself there , pionner leader , sunday school helper etc, i was comfortable for the first time in my life going to a church, maybe it was the first word that greeted you as you walked in..."belong" maybe it was because they embraced community and outreach service in our city , dont know, but soon found it very therapeutic, cheaper than a shrink, and our other 3 girls jumped on board pretty quickly, my husband well... a work in progress , he communes with God in a fishing boat he says , although makes many efforts to go even if just for good way to start the week, i was still cynical , felt i wasnt holy enough but went anyways.
Ashley was scheduled to sing a solo in the church choir Dec 16 2007 , i was scared for her, i was sure she got her singing skills from me which was nil at best. She sang beautifully and you couldnt tell she had been complaining of cramps , something i chalked up to girls stuff/growing pains for a couple weeks off and on, she was an active healthy girl. When the performnce was done we got our christmas tree and i took her to the clinic to have it checked out before Christmas , they sent us to our local hosptial for tests , i was worried it was appendix. Darcy, my husband left the hosptial to go pick up our other 3 girls from friends houses , i caught the doctor in the ahallways and asked if the ulstrasound pictures were back, i remember having eye contact with Ashley only feet away from me but far enough away for her not to hear the doctor to so impassionaltely say "its not appendix, it looks like cancer", i have to stop as i write this because it is still one of the 2 biggest shocks in my entire life, i think i ran down the hallways screaming with no sound coming from my throat and not knowing where i was running . I phoned Darcy and words didnt come out of my mouth. Before I knew it we were at out local Childrens Hospital(100km away) meeting oncologiosts , being give an "oncology team" which consisted of a primary nurse, a social worker, a main oncologist and a shrink....wait a minute ...what is an oncologist? yep, a cancer doctor, this was the real thing . we waited 4 days to find out what type we were dealing with ... it was curable 90 % even though she was stage 4 , how the hell can my kid have stage 4 cancer and only a few cramps , it was mind bending. We were thrown stright into a world so foriegn to us , everything stopped ..jobs ..PAC meetings ,carppoling and yes even some friends who"couldn't handle it" it was no longer our own beds , our own home, our own anything. Treatments and life became unbearable , the 90% cure rate was not looking good at any stage throughout our journey , it seemd to be always full of negative news to the point where i couldnt stand the face of her oncologist , it nearly made me want to vomit everytime i saw him...The words they briefed us on as we began this mind altering path was " one of you will grieve through this process and no matter the out come the other will grieve after " they couldn't have been more right.......Ashley insisted on going to church on Christmas eve, two nights before she was to start chemo at the end of the service our pastor came to pray with us , i didn't know many people in the church , but wow did they know Ashley, when we rose our heads from bowing in prayer the whole congregation was surrounding us , i knew at that moment who i was going to need to get me through this ...would he be willing to listen to me...
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