childrun 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009 at 11:09am | Edit Note | Delete
Its been a while since i've written, i've been a little preoccupied with going back to work(very p/t), getting yard work done and oh yeah CHILDRUN. If you've been around me at all in the last couple months you know that has been all i've probably talked about or reminded you about on facebook I think it has kept me disitracted which is kind of almost an oxymoron because the childrun is undoubetdly and completely all about childrens cancer. Last year was our first year running( i use the word running very loosely) This year our team grew by several more people and i hope it continues to do so because i think i have decided to keep with it...i think?...read on.
I really hadn't given much thought beyond the academic part of the childrun, the setting up of the website, registration , building the team, printing pledge forms , ordering tshirts , making signs , planning a bbq etc etc. I based this years preparation on last years experience ..we were newbees last year so i knew what to do different this year...however there was something very different about it this year and nothing i could plan for. Last year we could feel the money that went into oncolology research it was tangible for us we were benefitting, we had results ..this year was a whole new ball game, was i on top of the early preparation? was i able to rally a few more dollars ? did i grow our team grow by a few? ..yes! to all those questions. What i did not plan for was the excrutaiitng reality of taking the Grandview exit and turning left on Oak st to an old frightneing familiar place i like to call hell. Perhaps that is true strong of a word there are some great things about BCCH ,however, memories are not one of them. I did realize that i would more than likely run into a few people i knew, what i did not know realize that when we went to visit 3B how the wall of kids pictures would have grown in such a short period of time how the faces were all so new which represented just how many new cases there was. what i didn't plan for was the smell of the hospital the familiar markings on the walls i found myself staring at so blankly day after day month after month.The closed "parent meeting room door"and my panic for those on the other side of it. I imagined a triumphant feeling of crossing the finish line another step towards closure, that was not the case. This year i was the newbee.
On friday afternoon i was naively planning on driving into bcch to pick up the run packages and to meet my friend patty afterwards for her 43rd bday(sorry patty) dinner at earls on broadway, as the time for me to leave approached i felt the anxiety of having to face that place again(bcch) ,God must have known i needed a couple extra days to prepare for my first time back or that i needed my other kids with me because i got stuck in traffic and patty picked it up for me , we met after as planned and i felt relief for not having to face the demons for another day or two. I went home that night and had a glass or four of wine with my neighbours and a campfire and all was good for another day. We had a bbq the next night to prepare for the run , collect the money, make the signs etc...another glass or four of vino and another campfire and ready to go the next morning(i am not advocating wine as a cure all but hey i think its in the bible somewhere too ,,,turning water into wine ..sounds good to me i'll stick with that) The next day was the blast and when i say blast i mean blast , no short cut out of it no peace and calm about it , we had tired kids, nervous kids, sick kids, nervous parents, stressed parents etc etc. we started the run in tears and ended in tears , not real obvious ones , just ones that could be comforted by hugs form friends and family. So no, there was no big epiphany at the end no huge PDA"s as a matter of fact the first thing the kids said when we crossed the line was can we go get a sno cone.plllleeeaaasee. ...fine and life goes on .. i dont even think i gathred everyone at the same time for a pic ..oh well...i resorted to the fact that this wasn't about closure or facing our demons and winning, it was abut the bottom dollar it was about raising money for childhood cancer ...did you know that to write a research grant for anything involving childhood cancer ,even if its to see if a new drug will combat nausea costs about 100,00.00, and every "T" must be crossed and every"I" must be dotted or its scrapped . So, it is for the kids still fighting, the superheroes...but first and foremost it was for my superhero not because the research and money will do her any good now but it was to carry a sign to let the world know that yes 80% of kids make it through cancer but that leaves 20% that don't , my daughter is not a statistic she was a person she was a superhero too and she deserves to be remembered as one , so look at her name look at her birhtdate on the sign look at her deathdate.. she fought and we are her family and friends and we are here to let you know that this is what cancer does and this is why we run not just to raise the money but to let the world know that they left a mark on the world, they went to war , they fought a battle, some won, some lost but there is aftermath there is destruction and devesataion..they are all heroes. I am so proud of everyone , our team , my kids , my friends , my donors, my husband (who had a difficult difficult time ,) We came home and vegged we were so emotionally done ,and as we sat in the backyard reeling from the day a butterfly flew right by Darcy and i and we knew it was Ashley saying "good job guys" another marker reached another emotional purge, another way to tell the world about my beautiful girl and her amazing sisters. I congratulate "logan is our angel team" the lady bugs, they won the community award and so they should they show us consistently what support is all about and how we all need it, they've been at it along time and its moments like these that show the world their bravery too.And i know it is this years run money that will cure Logan, Angie and the other troopers Thank you to everyone who supported us once again..you're awesome, it is June the kids will be out of school soon, yeah summer, it is Ashleys bday on the 29th and again we will face another hard day and again we will find a way to make it through i have faith in that.
peace ,
Lori
The Journey of a butterfly...Ashleys life has become symbolic of a butterfly, peaceful beautiful and free to fly where the wind takes her. We have a white butterfly that flies around us in the garden in the springtime where the other girls play. Irish folklore tells us that a white butterfly is the rebirth of a deceased child's soul reborn into something even more beautiful than before...our butterfly
June 29 1992 - February 16 2009
Welcome to the Journey of a Butterfly
We invite you to follow along one family's journey through grief and loss, one brave young girl's journey through faith and inspiration, this is not a blog to convert anyone , nor is it a blog about fundraising , it is what i hope will reach another family on a similar journey, we are not experts , i could not give you a magic remedy for how one gets through disease and devestation but it is our story , sometimes gut wrenching other time heartwarming and all of the time, i guarantee, very real. We are not perfect, we struggle daily and i think that the more we connect to one another the more we understand what this journey through life is all about . Sometimes that path is bumpy and we fall down, sometimes we sit and stop a while,or take a step back and other times we pound our fists on the pavement like a lunatic , still other times we find ourselves picking eachother up dusting eachother off and walking alongside them even if only for short time. This blog is dedicated to Ashley , her sisters and every single angel that picked us up along this road.
This is an introduction to the beginning and middle part of our journey the specific blogs are more indepth , the end...well there will never be an end to this journey i've come to realize that , not on this earth, for now we just assimilate it into our life like a hole , a missing limb, a continous ache that you just learn to live with.
When Ashley was about 12 years old she asked if she could go to youth group at a local church , i didn't have any church upbringing but know i craved it throughout my life , this was a rare opportunity and i recognized that if i didn't embrace it now she may lose her interst in it very quickly and beocme a jaded, cynical, stubborn person like her mom. My husband grew up in a very religious (shove it down your throat) kinda religion( i wont mention any names)or maybe it was the way he was raised ? Anyways i encouraged her to go because the community we had moved to embraced this kinda thing so i thought why not? Naturally and shortly after she started attending she was soon encouraging us to go , she had made quite a leadership name for herself there , pionner leader , sunday school helper etc, i was comfortable for the first time in my life going to a church, maybe it was the first word that greeted you as you walked in..."belong" maybe it was because they embraced community and outreach service in our city , dont know, but soon found it very therapeutic, cheaper than a shrink, and our other 3 girls jumped on board pretty quickly, my husband well... a work in progress , he communes with God in a fishing boat he says , although makes many efforts to go even if just for good way to start the week, i was still cynical , felt i wasnt holy enough but went anyways.
Ashley was scheduled to sing a solo in the church choir Dec 16 2007 , i was scared for her, i was sure she got her singing skills from me which was nil at best. She sang beautifully and you couldnt tell she had been complaining of cramps , something i chalked up to girls stuff/growing pains for a couple weeks off and on, she was an active healthy girl. When the performnce was done we got our christmas tree and i took her to the clinic to have it checked out before Christmas , they sent us to our local hosptial for tests , i was worried it was appendix. Darcy, my husband left the hosptial to go pick up our other 3 girls from friends houses , i caught the doctor in the ahallways and asked if the ulstrasound pictures were back, i remember having eye contact with Ashley only feet away from me but far enough away for her not to hear the doctor to so impassionaltely say "its not appendix, it looks like cancer", i have to stop as i write this because it is still one of the 2 biggest shocks in my entire life, i think i ran down the hallways screaming with no sound coming from my throat and not knowing where i was running . I phoned Darcy and words didnt come out of my mouth. Before I knew it we were at out local Childrens Hospital(100km away) meeting oncologiosts , being give an "oncology team" which consisted of a primary nurse, a social worker, a main oncologist and a shrink....wait a minute ...what is an oncologist? yep, a cancer doctor, this was the real thing . we waited 4 days to find out what type we were dealing with ... it was curable 90 % even though she was stage 4 , how the hell can my kid have stage 4 cancer and only a few cramps , it was mind bending. We were thrown stright into a world so foriegn to us , everything stopped ..jobs ..PAC meetings ,carppoling and yes even some friends who"couldn't handle it" it was no longer our own beds , our own home, our own anything. Treatments and life became unbearable , the 90% cure rate was not looking good at any stage throughout our journey , it seemd to be always full of negative news to the point where i couldnt stand the face of her oncologist , it nearly made me want to vomit everytime i saw him...The words they briefed us on as we began this mind altering path was " one of you will grieve through this process and no matter the out come the other will grieve after " they couldn't have been more right.......Ashley insisted on going to church on Christmas eve, two nights before she was to start chemo at the end of the service our pastor came to pray with us , i didn't know many people in the church , but wow did they know Ashley, when we rose our heads from bowing in prayer the whole congregation was surrounding us , i knew at that moment who i was going to need to get me through this ...would he be willing to listen to me...
No comments:
Post a Comment