The Timeline
Thursday, October 23, 2008 at 10:34am | Edit Note | Delete
Hello Everyone,
Yes it must be near procedure /test time I think its my way of informing everyone whats going on but also a way to reach out , its so therapeutic mentally and emotionally, i suggest you try it if you're one of those people who have a hard time really saying whats going on. I used to pride myself on saying that i rarely cry in front of poeple, that it took alot for me to show that side of me to anyone. I think it would be impossible for me to find someone that has not seen that side of me in recent months , i thought at first it turned me into a big cry baby i know realize its turned me into a real person.
As many of you know Ashley has not been able to attend school lately because she is still recovering form the radiation treatment, it has caused lot of pain , nausea and discomfort, morphene helps but causes other problems. Her Dr. tells us that when cancer cells(tumor) are dying it can be very painful.HMMMM begs the question. "what does one hope for ? ...pain or no pain?? either way its devestating.
Anyways as i mentioned before , missing a bit of school to most kids can be a welcome reprieve, maybe even a sinful treat, for Ashley its a reminder on how much she is missing out academically and socially Most would think this is a time when friends rally around and boost her up and that can be said for many age groups however at this age, kids ..as they should be ..are a little ego-centric, hard for them to see past themselves and their very life -altering zits and lip gloss. There have been a couple who have stood by her throughout but others not sure what to do or say, some parents probably wanting to protect their own children form witnessing the pain. I think to myself now, i hope that i DON"T go back to being me after all this. I Probably didn't take too much of this kind of stuff to heart very much before . When people would say things like "if youve got your health then youve got everything" i was like ...whatever! I hope that when all is said and done i would be one of those people, that we have met so many times on this journey, that will reach out to others pain,that i will relaize how great my life is, that i will use hardship to teach my children compassion not just in 3rd world countries but right next door. There are so many ways to serve others , so many people who have found their own way to comfort us, so many people we have learned from, in even the smallest act of compassion. I think of the mentors(WENDY, MY COUSIN,MY AUNT ) we have had hrough this and through their own painful experience ahve taught us that life goes on and there is light at the end of the tunnel and how trivial common compalints will seem minor after this. Speaking of which....
Ashley has been assigned a teacher to visit her at home and try to keep her caught up. Her first assignment for family studies was to make a timeline of her life from birth -15 years of age and to show all the significant milestones in her life , then to predict along the timeline what her life will be like to the ripe old age of 40. I couldn't imagine a more poignant , smack in the face , enlightening project. I (i mean "she")couldn't wait to get started. I thought of all her firsts... i thought of her first walking..first tooth..first xmas...first day of school...first kiss( well i don't think i was there for that..but???) Then i got to Dec. 16 2007 what a day of firsts? Ashley sang her first solo in the xnmas church choir in the morning...had her first blood test ever in the afternoon and was told for the first time she likely had cancer by that same evening , the day also afforded her first ambulance ride. I wondered and envied how different her timeline poster would look hung next to her classmates, thats not to say other kids haven't been through devstating events in their life , i just thought its too long and bumpy of a time line for such a young girl , mostly in one year.The future time line is unclear but i hope it wll look like this....remission by spring 2009, no more pain and nausea...that is the only timeline part i need to worry about right now,the rest of her life will be what she decides what her life plan decides what God has in store for her, right now its remission spring 2009!!!!!!!!!!I remeber last year about this time how she wanted t o go to the PNE for fright night and go on all the scary rides in the dark...well i guess her desires manifested themselves in a cruel joke kinda way.
But it is a ride... one of those 6 seater rides , Ashley in the front and the rest of us behind her in the first train , and of course several trains behind us carrying all of you who jumped aboard... thank you. If you would like to join us for the rest fo the ride christy started a face group called "Ashley we love you" all you have to do is just search it and click to join if you have face book(which im sure you do if yure reaading this) pass it on to others i dont think they have to be a firend of ours to join, i believe christy new ashley needed to see how many people are supporting her so she stays positive which has been little difficult lately. So thank you
One other thing before i let you go, whatever your denomiantion or belief is , we need it all, prayers ,positive energy, extra light, whatever i'll take it all, Ashley has a PET scan tomorrow morning at 7:45 please think of her at this time and help us pray for enocuraging pretty pictures and if you have any energy left, me too please these kinda days do me in....youre awesome, , prayers and love to you all.
Thanks for riding,
Peace
Lori
The Journey of a butterfly...Ashleys life has become symbolic of a butterfly, peaceful beautiful and free to fly where the wind takes her. We have a white butterfly that flies around us in the garden in the springtime where the other girls play. Irish folklore tells us that a white butterfly is the rebirth of a deceased child's soul reborn into something even more beautiful than before...our butterfly
June 29 1992 - February 16 2009
Welcome to the Journey of a Butterfly
We invite you to follow along one family's journey through grief and loss, one brave young girl's journey through faith and inspiration, this is not a blog to convert anyone , nor is it a blog about fundraising , it is what i hope will reach another family on a similar journey, we are not experts , i could not give you a magic remedy for how one gets through disease and devestation but it is our story , sometimes gut wrenching other time heartwarming and all of the time, i guarantee, very real. We are not perfect, we struggle daily and i think that the more we connect to one another the more we understand what this journey through life is all about . Sometimes that path is bumpy and we fall down, sometimes we sit and stop a while,or take a step back and other times we pound our fists on the pavement like a lunatic , still other times we find ourselves picking eachother up dusting eachother off and walking alongside them even if only for short time. This blog is dedicated to Ashley , her sisters and every single angel that picked us up along this road.
This is an introduction to the beginning and middle part of our journey the specific blogs are more indepth , the end...well there will never be an end to this journey i've come to realize that , not on this earth, for now we just assimilate it into our life like a hole , a missing limb, a continous ache that you just learn to live with.
When Ashley was about 12 years old she asked if she could go to youth group at a local church , i didn't have any church upbringing but know i craved it throughout my life , this was a rare opportunity and i recognized that if i didn't embrace it now she may lose her interst in it very quickly and beocme a jaded, cynical, stubborn person like her mom. My husband grew up in a very religious (shove it down your throat) kinda religion( i wont mention any names)or maybe it was the way he was raised ? Anyways i encouraged her to go because the community we had moved to embraced this kinda thing so i thought why not? Naturally and shortly after she started attending she was soon encouraging us to go , she had made quite a leadership name for herself there , pionner leader , sunday school helper etc, i was comfortable for the first time in my life going to a church, maybe it was the first word that greeted you as you walked in..."belong" maybe it was because they embraced community and outreach service in our city , dont know, but soon found it very therapeutic, cheaper than a shrink, and our other 3 girls jumped on board pretty quickly, my husband well... a work in progress , he communes with God in a fishing boat he says , although makes many efforts to go even if just for good way to start the week, i was still cynical , felt i wasnt holy enough but went anyways.
Ashley was scheduled to sing a solo in the church choir Dec 16 2007 , i was scared for her, i was sure she got her singing skills from me which was nil at best. She sang beautifully and you couldnt tell she had been complaining of cramps , something i chalked up to girls stuff/growing pains for a couple weeks off and on, she was an active healthy girl. When the performnce was done we got our christmas tree and i took her to the clinic to have it checked out before Christmas , they sent us to our local hosptial for tests , i was worried it was appendix. Darcy, my husband left the hosptial to go pick up our other 3 girls from friends houses , i caught the doctor in the ahallways and asked if the ulstrasound pictures were back, i remember having eye contact with Ashley only feet away from me but far enough away for her not to hear the doctor to so impassionaltely say "its not appendix, it looks like cancer", i have to stop as i write this because it is still one of the 2 biggest shocks in my entire life, i think i ran down the hallways screaming with no sound coming from my throat and not knowing where i was running . I phoned Darcy and words didnt come out of my mouth. Before I knew it we were at out local Childrens Hospital(100km away) meeting oncologiosts , being give an "oncology team" which consisted of a primary nurse, a social worker, a main oncologist and a shrink....wait a minute ...what is an oncologist? yep, a cancer doctor, this was the real thing . we waited 4 days to find out what type we were dealing with ... it was curable 90 % even though she was stage 4 , how the hell can my kid have stage 4 cancer and only a few cramps , it was mind bending. We were thrown stright into a world so foriegn to us , everything stopped ..jobs ..PAC meetings ,carppoling and yes even some friends who"couldn't handle it" it was no longer our own beds , our own home, our own anything. Treatments and life became unbearable , the 90% cure rate was not looking good at any stage throughout our journey , it seemd to be always full of negative news to the point where i couldnt stand the face of her oncologist , it nearly made me want to vomit everytime i saw him...The words they briefed us on as we began this mind altering path was " one of you will grieve through this process and no matter the out come the other will grieve after " they couldn't have been more right.......Ashley insisted on going to church on Christmas eve, two nights before she was to start chemo at the end of the service our pastor came to pray with us , i didn't know many people in the church , but wow did they know Ashley, when we rose our heads from bowing in prayer the whole congregation was surrounding us , i knew at that moment who i was going to need to get me through this ...would he be willing to listen to me...
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