ashley's home "sweet" home
Wednesday, May 7, 2008 at 10:40am | Edit Note | Delete
Well finally Ashley is home.
Ashley went into hospital for a routine hospital day visit May.14 and ended up in hospital for 2 weeks! Now we've come to expect the unexpected but sometimes it's a paradox between "don't make any plans because they can change in a moment" to having to micromanage and plan every detail in case the unexpected does happen. The one thing that seems to resinate as a coping skill is "acceptance" vs. "resistance" i used to think that if i just had a handle on everything or stayed one step ahead i could manipulate the outcome(not in a negative way)it was my mantra "fit everyting in, work hard, organize, it will all work out". being bedside with ashley in the hospital is both a priveldge and an exercise in being present ,accepting the moment, and knowing that there is power in giving up control,yes i have been reading A new Earth , but also a book called The power of losing control The title is a little decieiving but a good read for those who want to let go of over-control.
Ashley is doing well , spirits are up now that she is out of the hospital, we try to find ways to pass the time in the hospital but i do have to admit there is a sense of calmness while there sometimes , you're not forced to clean or cook extensivley , sometimes we bead necklaces or play games or paint .
Alhtough having said that it is amazing when the dr.'s come in to say today is the day we're going home (usually after my incessant nagging, they probably look forward to me going as well). I immediately start visualizing our reunion after 2 weeks of hosptial/home swapping with darcy, i see us walking in the door being greeted by the children with hugs and kisses and children saying things to eachother like "i missed you so much, i am so glad we're together as a family"big group hugs , a clean house, the aroma of cookies baking in the back ground, the sound of peace and tranquilty, a big sign reading welcome home mom(or dad)....REALITY CHECK not even cancer can perform those kinda miracles. Real life now...I walk in the door there is no big sign , just bills...Ashley immediately tells christy to get her sweater off and "how dare you disrespect my stuff when i have cancer" Christy "oh blow it out your ear(i used the word ear, not likely) Stefanny is asking me for aride to her friends and can't unnderstand how i could possibly make her wait 10 minutes. Brittanny is asking me if i bought her a "souvenir" from the gift shop. Oh yeah Christy wants to know if i stopped a t Lulu Lemon on the way home to buy her $80.00 yoga pants(christy has done yoga once in her life)The smell in the backgroungd is not cookies ,it is pizza pops for everyone in our neighbourhood and 3 streets over. The peace and quiet begins when we see the back of each kids head revolving at the computer desk and telephone with converstions like " geez my parents won't buy another computer so i have to use the phone i wish we were rich" , 2 weeks of catching up in the high-pitched bickering area (love disguised), throw in a couple of 'SHUT UPS and were good to go ,hangin' out catching up, laughing, and somewhere in there a bunch of hugs.Theyre awesome they have kept everything normal , couldn't ask for more.
Ashley is home until early next week when she begins her 6th round of chemo, Ashley was not able to get the stem cell transplant at this time because of a slow recovery and infection, perhaps after next round.
Thanks for reading.
Peace(ha ha)
The Lowey's
The Journey of a butterfly...Ashleys life has become symbolic of a butterfly, peaceful beautiful and free to fly where the wind takes her. We have a white butterfly that flies around us in the garden in the springtime where the other girls play. Irish folklore tells us that a white butterfly is the rebirth of a deceased child's soul reborn into something even more beautiful than before...our butterfly
June 29 1992 - February 16 2009
Welcome to the Journey of a Butterfly
We invite you to follow along one family's journey through grief and loss, one brave young girl's journey through faith and inspiration, this is not a blog to convert anyone , nor is it a blog about fundraising , it is what i hope will reach another family on a similar journey, we are not experts , i could not give you a magic remedy for how one gets through disease and devestation but it is our story , sometimes gut wrenching other time heartwarming and all of the time, i guarantee, very real. We are not perfect, we struggle daily and i think that the more we connect to one another the more we understand what this journey through life is all about . Sometimes that path is bumpy and we fall down, sometimes we sit and stop a while,or take a step back and other times we pound our fists on the pavement like a lunatic , still other times we find ourselves picking eachother up dusting eachother off and walking alongside them even if only for short time. This blog is dedicated to Ashley , her sisters and every single angel that picked us up along this road.
This is an introduction to the beginning and middle part of our journey the specific blogs are more indepth , the end...well there will never be an end to this journey i've come to realize that , not on this earth, for now we just assimilate it into our life like a hole , a missing limb, a continous ache that you just learn to live with.
When Ashley was about 12 years old she asked if she could go to youth group at a local church , i didn't have any church upbringing but know i craved it throughout my life , this was a rare opportunity and i recognized that if i didn't embrace it now she may lose her interst in it very quickly and beocme a jaded, cynical, stubborn person like her mom. My husband grew up in a very religious (shove it down your throat) kinda religion( i wont mention any names)or maybe it was the way he was raised ? Anyways i encouraged her to go because the community we had moved to embraced this kinda thing so i thought why not? Naturally and shortly after she started attending she was soon encouraging us to go , she had made quite a leadership name for herself there , pionner leader , sunday school helper etc, i was comfortable for the first time in my life going to a church, maybe it was the first word that greeted you as you walked in..."belong" maybe it was because they embraced community and outreach service in our city , dont know, but soon found it very therapeutic, cheaper than a shrink, and our other 3 girls jumped on board pretty quickly, my husband well... a work in progress , he communes with God in a fishing boat he says , although makes many efforts to go even if just for good way to start the week, i was still cynical , felt i wasnt holy enough but went anyways.
Ashley was scheduled to sing a solo in the church choir Dec 16 2007 , i was scared for her, i was sure she got her singing skills from me which was nil at best. She sang beautifully and you couldnt tell she had been complaining of cramps , something i chalked up to girls stuff/growing pains for a couple weeks off and on, she was an active healthy girl. When the performnce was done we got our christmas tree and i took her to the clinic to have it checked out before Christmas , they sent us to our local hosptial for tests , i was worried it was appendix. Darcy, my husband left the hosptial to go pick up our other 3 girls from friends houses , i caught the doctor in the ahallways and asked if the ulstrasound pictures were back, i remember having eye contact with Ashley only feet away from me but far enough away for her not to hear the doctor to so impassionaltely say "its not appendix, it looks like cancer", i have to stop as i write this because it is still one of the 2 biggest shocks in my entire life, i think i ran down the hallways screaming with no sound coming from my throat and not knowing where i was running . I phoned Darcy and words didnt come out of my mouth. Before I knew it we were at out local Childrens Hospital(100km away) meeting oncologiosts , being give an "oncology team" which consisted of a primary nurse, a social worker, a main oncologist and a shrink....wait a minute ...what is an oncologist? yep, a cancer doctor, this was the real thing . we waited 4 days to find out what type we were dealing with ... it was curable 90 % even though she was stage 4 , how the hell can my kid have stage 4 cancer and only a few cramps , it was mind bending. We were thrown stright into a world so foriegn to us , everything stopped ..jobs ..PAC meetings ,carppoling and yes even some friends who"couldn't handle it" it was no longer our own beds , our own home, our own anything. Treatments and life became unbearable , the 90% cure rate was not looking good at any stage throughout our journey , it seemd to be always full of negative news to the point where i couldnt stand the face of her oncologist , it nearly made me want to vomit everytime i saw him...The words they briefed us on as we began this mind altering path was " one of you will grieve through this process and no matter the out come the other will grieve after " they couldn't have been more right.......Ashley insisted on going to church on Christmas eve, two nights before she was to start chemo at the end of the service our pastor came to pray with us , i didn't know many people in the church , but wow did they know Ashley, when we rose our heads from bowing in prayer the whole congregation was surrounding us , i knew at that moment who i was going to need to get me through this ...would he be willing to listen to me...
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