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Tuesday, June 10, 2008 at 12:20pm | Edit Note | Delete
Well to say that life has been a bit of a roller coaster ride lately would be an understatement. I don't even know where to begin so i'll just purge my thoughts and hope for some clarity.
About three weeks ago when Ashley was finishing her 6th round of chemo we were discussing with the dr. What next? i left those meetings extremely clouded(lack of a better word) there was no particular terrible news but certainly nothing postivie or clear. Our dr. seemed a little baffled by the whole route the disease was taking. I at that point realized this man in front of me is not God, intelectually i knew this to be true but had somehow placed an over-enormous amount of faith in his expertise. Results were not particularly uplifting and i seemd to be getting this news in the clinic appointments where i was completely unprepared.
Ashley had a p.e.t scan a week or so later and i had been gearing my angst up to it for days, I should have relaized my limitations for this procedure. For some reason i absoultely fall apart on pet scan days. I am not sure if it is because it is performed right at the cancer agency and the word"cancer" is so predominant on the building everywhere that it just stares at me so wickedly as we approach the building. While Ashley was in the scan i slpped out to just take a breath i couldn't hold it in any longer, i knew i had no control over what those pictures would reveal and the agony of the "wait and see" approach(usually days) i had nothing to do but pray, i asked for help with this. I thought i"this is the only thing i can do and it is the best thing i can do" . We had to go back to the clinic that day and get more tests done. I was so worried , Ashley again "focussed and zoned" i could not burden her with my fear. My aunt came to sit with me at my sisters request. Darcy on the phone with me almost the entire time. Another dr. talks to me about Ashleys plateau, my aunt asks the questions i am thinking. At the end of the day the dr. tells me that the results have already come back from the pet scan it shows no more growth , music to my ears,prayers answered. The following week Darcy(who now comes to every visit)and i listen to our dr. who now seems positive for the first time in along time about the scan, he tells us that Ahsley will be getting major surgery to try to remove some tumor , microwave some of her other tumor and look at her right ovary (a possible culprit) We are exhaling for the first time in weeks. The thought of surgery and new procedures is a scary thing but one i am encouraged by.Wow we can go home and relax for a while right???? Are you kidding, that would not be indicative of this season of our life right now. So what more could go on.... well...last year we had a pipe burst in our driveway ...our side of course , not the city's... we were told it may reflect on our property taxes , i was prepared for a few hundred dollars more..well i opened the envevelope to reveal the whopping 9,000.00 bill , yes i said NINE THOUSAND DOLLARS....WHAT???? , Yes i was on the phone to the city in a scrambled frenzy 2 seconds later , mumbling something about
"CRAZY' , 'YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING', "WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER', i think 'CANCER' was squeezed in there somewehere(yeah yeah you gotta get something outta this) Anyways the very patient lady on the other end assured me to submit my recipts of repair and we should be getting an adjustment (whatever that means)I think it was about seven minutes later Ashley tells me that she feels a lump on sophys(our dog) abdomen . If you know Ashley you know how much she loves her dog, so of f to the vet we go . We were told sophy has a tumor..can you friggin believe it! (read my next passage on Sophy for details) Anyways 700.00 later, a day in doggy hospital and she seems as good as new, hoping Ashley gets out of her similiar surgey as easy.
Ok , i think 8 minutes after that i get a call from my cell phone company informing me gently that my internet service on my phone has been accessed lately to play high graphic games, i thanked them for calling, told them i barely know how to find the little numbers on my phone let alone access the internet(didn't even know it was possible)" Is that all i asked?" "yes Mrs Lowey would you like to deaccess the internet service on your phone until the 400.00 is paid? " "WHAT???? 400.00 ARE YOU OUUTA YOUR MIND, NO WAY, WHAT!!!"(THEN SOMETHING ABOUT CANCER , BLAH BLAH BLAH) then i look up to see one of my precious wallett sucking offspring scurry to her room(i won't mention which apple of my eye ...but come on....)Needless to say that same liitle apple won't be accessing any apple computers or any computer until i have 400.00 in my hot little hand which i have purposely chosen to not use to strilke my children ever, talk about restaint especially when the reply from her was something along the lines of...'WHAT DON'T WE HAVE 400.00?"
"No spankings , they (my children for the most part of my working a ACS with families)have grown up on something they call in the biz..."choices" offering them choices to establish some of their own power, a skill i DO want them to utilize with their own children someday, however i didn't think it would get turned back on me without even realizing it. Twice this week.Once, with the cellphone incident , i.e. Darcy and i went out for a much needed evening on Sat , child in question:"mom whats your choice , would you like me to take 40.00 off what i owe you or would you just like to give me the cash." ( I didn't recall asking her to even be in charge). Second time ,Christy and i shopping for a gr.8 grad dress(shouldn't grade 8 grad just be a given? is it really something in this day and age to be celebrated , moving beyond gr.8 is no longer a huge decision or accomplishment ..is it?)anyway, i am invited to view which dress im going ot pay for " Mom what s your choice the black one( the dress thats about 6 inches too short ) or the blue dress (thats about 50.00 over my gr.8 grad dress budget) talk about being played with my own game!!!!Oh and before i forget, just to add to the financial joke... i lost our income tax refund , it hink i can actually visualize myself putting it into the recycling bag in some kinda"i don't need this" foggy state. Oh well. six months ago this all would have sent me straight to the looney bin toting my plastic penny pinchers but throughout all this i had to keep going back to the good news about the surgery( i think its good news so far)the other stuff will work it self out in probably less than 100 years and if it doesn't, hopefully my debt to my children will only be 400.00. This is not to say that i am so carefree about the little stuff now that it just bounces off me...hardly! I was still in a tizzy through all of these events, just for a shorter period of time and with a few more "you gotta be kiddin" giggles.
Anyways, on a much lighter funner note, we bought a travel trailer, not new, not fancy, only pre-requsite was ...4 bunks in the back, with a door. We can't wait to get out and enjoy it, even if we park it at childrens hospital. (so you can see we are fine financially, these are just exerpts from our life lately, we are not crying out for money, do not send money, it was for your humerous benefit and my relaease)
Please if you read this be thinking of Ashley on Thursday as she undergoes surgery ,actually all the kids, and darcy and me too please we feel it when we know people are out there thinking and praying for us. Thanks everyone.
The Journey of a butterfly...Ashleys life has become symbolic of a butterfly, peaceful beautiful and free to fly where the wind takes her. We have a white butterfly that flies around us in the garden in the springtime where the other girls play. Irish folklore tells us that a white butterfly is the rebirth of a deceased child's soul reborn into something even more beautiful than before...our butterfly
June 29 1992 - February 16 2009
Welcome to the Journey of a Butterfly
We invite you to follow along one family's journey through grief and loss, one brave young girl's journey through faith and inspiration, this is not a blog to convert anyone , nor is it a blog about fundraising , it is what i hope will reach another family on a similar journey, we are not experts , i could not give you a magic remedy for how one gets through disease and devestation but it is our story , sometimes gut wrenching other time heartwarming and all of the time, i guarantee, very real. We are not perfect, we struggle daily and i think that the more we connect to one another the more we understand what this journey through life is all about . Sometimes that path is bumpy and we fall down, sometimes we sit and stop a while,or take a step back and other times we pound our fists on the pavement like a lunatic , still other times we find ourselves picking eachother up dusting eachother off and walking alongside them even if only for short time. This blog is dedicated to Ashley , her sisters and every single angel that picked us up along this road.
This is an introduction to the beginning and middle part of our journey the specific blogs are more indepth , the end...well there will never be an end to this journey i've come to realize that , not on this earth, for now we just assimilate it into our life like a hole , a missing limb, a continous ache that you just learn to live with.
When Ashley was about 12 years old she asked if she could go to youth group at a local church , i didn't have any church upbringing but know i craved it throughout my life , this was a rare opportunity and i recognized that if i didn't embrace it now she may lose her interst in it very quickly and beocme a jaded, cynical, stubborn person like her mom. My husband grew up in a very religious (shove it down your throat) kinda religion( i wont mention any names)or maybe it was the way he was raised ? Anyways i encouraged her to go because the community we had moved to embraced this kinda thing so i thought why not? Naturally and shortly after she started attending she was soon encouraging us to go , she had made quite a leadership name for herself there , pionner leader , sunday school helper etc, i was comfortable for the first time in my life going to a church, maybe it was the first word that greeted you as you walked in..."belong" maybe it was because they embraced community and outreach service in our city , dont know, but soon found it very therapeutic, cheaper than a shrink, and our other 3 girls jumped on board pretty quickly, my husband well... a work in progress , he communes with God in a fishing boat he says , although makes many efforts to go even if just for good way to start the week, i was still cynical , felt i wasnt holy enough but went anyways.
Ashley was scheduled to sing a solo in the church choir Dec 16 2007 , i was scared for her, i was sure she got her singing skills from me which was nil at best. She sang beautifully and you couldnt tell she had been complaining of cramps , something i chalked up to girls stuff/growing pains for a couple weeks off and on, she was an active healthy girl. When the performnce was done we got our christmas tree and i took her to the clinic to have it checked out before Christmas , they sent us to our local hosptial for tests , i was worried it was appendix. Darcy, my husband left the hosptial to go pick up our other 3 girls from friends houses , i caught the doctor in the ahallways and asked if the ulstrasound pictures were back, i remember having eye contact with Ashley only feet away from me but far enough away for her not to hear the doctor to so impassionaltely say "its not appendix, it looks like cancer", i have to stop as i write this because it is still one of the 2 biggest shocks in my entire life, i think i ran down the hallways screaming with no sound coming from my throat and not knowing where i was running . I phoned Darcy and words didnt come out of my mouth. Before I knew it we were at out local Childrens Hospital(100km away) meeting oncologiosts , being give an "oncology team" which consisted of a primary nurse, a social worker, a main oncologist and a shrink....wait a minute ...what is an oncologist? yep, a cancer doctor, this was the real thing . we waited 4 days to find out what type we were dealing with ... it was curable 90 % even though she was stage 4 , how the hell can my kid have stage 4 cancer and only a few cramps , it was mind bending. We were thrown stright into a world so foriegn to us , everything stopped ..jobs ..PAC meetings ,carppoling and yes even some friends who"couldn't handle it" it was no longer our own beds , our own home, our own anything. Treatments and life became unbearable , the 90% cure rate was not looking good at any stage throughout our journey , it seemd to be always full of negative news to the point where i couldnt stand the face of her oncologist , it nearly made me want to vomit everytime i saw him...The words they briefed us on as we began this mind altering path was " one of you will grieve through this process and no matter the out come the other will grieve after " they couldn't have been more right.......Ashley insisted on going to church on Christmas eve, two nights before she was to start chemo at the end of the service our pastor came to pray with us , i didn't know many people in the church , but wow did they know Ashley, when we rose our heads from bowing in prayer the whole congregation was surrounding us , i knew at that moment who i was going to need to get me through this ...would he be willing to listen to me...
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