probably the most beautiful and comforting idea i've ever read
Saturday, September 5, 2009 at 10:04pm | Edit Note | Delete
Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world.She especially enjoyed the love she saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day she saw suffering in the world.She approached God and sadly asked, “Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?” God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people’s hearts.” The little soul was confused. “What do you mean,” she asked.” God replied, “Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone.” The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, “The suffering soul unlocks the love in people’s hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer - to unlock this love – to create this miracle - for the good of all humanity."
Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain herself. With her wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people’s hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you. God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced.
In parting, God said, “Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed.” Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through her suffering and God’s strength, she unlocked the goodness and love in people’s hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys – some regained lost faith – many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased.
Monday, June 7, 2010
6 months..August 2009
6 months
Tuesday, August 18, 2009 at 10:42pm | Edit Note | Delete
On sunday we drove home from a quick weekend getaway to see some family and friends ..as we were driving it hit me that it was the 16th of August an unbelievable six months since we said goodbye to our beautiful daughter and sister. Sometimes its hard to know whether to blurt information like this out or to just let everyone discover it on their own, just in case it ir results in veering off the coquhialla in tears. One thing i have realized is that we all have different ways of coping and that there really isnt any textbook formula for getting through grief, sometimes it comes on like a tornado knkocks you to the ground and other times it lies dormant like a sneaky predator and much of the time its just a feeling of "being right next door." What i do know is that were all unique and grieving shows you just how much. Its a strange thing really when something traumatic in life happens to someone, we kind of want to peek in, to know how one gets through it , we watch, we observe , we learn and we analyze. Before tragedy struck us i watched others going through this and looked for clues on how they managed through it , some crawled into a shell , others packed up sold everything and went on adventure ...a realization there life would never be normal again... i know i am neither one of those people , athough i thought about doing both many a times. I dont have any answers for coping with grief , i couldn't write a book on it , i couldn't counsel through it, its only been 6 months but i do know that my family, friends and faith are key to my survival , first two slightly obvious , but faith , faith in what ? Well i guess i believe that my daughter is is in a much safer place whatever that looks like , my humanness , my motherness wants her back its the ego part of me , but my soul knows that she is saying to me :" mom, this place is amazing , im ok, if you saw this place you wouldnt want to go back either, i've got it better then you, , i am whole and i am in the presence of such beauty and love , i am with God...i am creating a place for you here and that is what i imagined her doing on August 7 creating a place...i envisoned her turning around and seeing her best friend in the whole world scampering up to her licking her face and Ashley greeting her with open arms. I suppose i should explain - the girls(all 3 ) went to camp goodtimes for a week , camp goodtimes is an incredible camp for children and siblings of children with cancer or bereaved siblings of cancer . My children had a phenomemal time i think it changed them forever , they formed beautiful relationships and were in the presence of some of ashleys former dr's , they were with people who finally "got it" understood their grief, their loss, their pain , stuff even darcy and i didnt always "get" Their time was mixed with adventure , joy, tears and coping. I was so proud of them. I missed them terribly and was so thrilled for their experience when i saw them, their camp stories spilled out of them like an overfilled glass of water . Unfortunately they returned right back to reality when they learned and saw how sick sophy (ashleys dog) had been while they were gone...for those of you who followed the blog last year then you know sophy was ashleys soul mate, that she too was diagnosed with cancer a few months after ashley was ..they actually had a very similar surgery within days of eachother last June. Sophys cancer was back and her battle eerily similar, in fact, when i took sophy into the vet they suggested we put her down that very night , do you know that as i checked back on the dates it was exactly 14months to the day sophy was diagnosed ...ashleys journey as you recall was 14months to the day. Uncertain of how to handle it we decided to phone the kids at camp to explain the story and give then the option of saying good bye should the need arise , i wanted them to have the opportunity to say goodbye this time. They were sad and emotional and so existential for their tender age, Sophy ended up waiting an extra day for them to come home before saying goodbye. It was hard to say farewell to Sophy she was like a living reminder of ashley , although i'm not a huge dog person sophy was a member of this family and had been since ashleys 7th birthday, but again we knew where she was going and who would be greeting her at the gates ...now how can that picture in my mind get any better than that( ok well second best pic).We will do something special in rememberance of sophy and ashley together again. And from the words of Brittany "no tears and no scars in heaven"
So to say that life has been calm and peaceful around here would not be indicative of our time right now , unfortunatley life and death continues to unfold regardless., we have had to say goodbye to our dear friend angie, our dog sophy and my amazing stepfather mike who was such a cornerstone in our life, a man of humility despite his great successes in life, someone i truly learned form,he will be greatly missed one of my favourite people. As i visited my grandmother this weekend i knew it was probably going to be the last time i saw her ,she gave away some of her belongings and as i wanted to stop her i knew how important it was for her to pass these on , she is amazing and in one of those fleeting moments again you realize how precious life is how transient and indiscriminant it can really be. so it teaches you how you really need to have a pretty darn good understanding or okayness of what life and death means ...maybe its our own gratification our own need to control, our own limited capacity that gives us such a horrid feeling of death , we want so many answers and are unwilling to be ok with "not haviing all the answers" with "building a mystery"and just believing ,... i don't know... i don't have all the answers , i dont know how were getting through this , i don't know if it gets better or worse ...i know others are grieving right along with us and have been changed forever too so i guess we just keep on keeping on( oncology parent motto). We have done alot of things to keep us distracted ,occupied, busy ...buliding a new normal ...renovations , back to work, fundraising, creating legacies,escaping, holidaying, appreciating today, giving up control (hahaha) i don't know if we are delaying or prolonging the grief or just putting time in between thoughts., its hanging on to faith, sometimes by just a thread,whatever it is it is our grief and its our coping right wrong or unique its what were doing. Thanks for reading.
Peace,
Lori
Tuesday, August 18, 2009 at 10:42pm | Edit Note | Delete
On sunday we drove home from a quick weekend getaway to see some family and friends ..as we were driving it hit me that it was the 16th of August an unbelievable six months since we said goodbye to our beautiful daughter and sister. Sometimes its hard to know whether to blurt information like this out or to just let everyone discover it on their own, just in case it ir results in veering off the coquhialla in tears. One thing i have realized is that we all have different ways of coping and that there really isnt any textbook formula for getting through grief, sometimes it comes on like a tornado knkocks you to the ground and other times it lies dormant like a sneaky predator and much of the time its just a feeling of "being right next door." What i do know is that were all unique and grieving shows you just how much. Its a strange thing really when something traumatic in life happens to someone, we kind of want to peek in, to know how one gets through it , we watch, we observe , we learn and we analyze. Before tragedy struck us i watched others going through this and looked for clues on how they managed through it , some crawled into a shell , others packed up sold everything and went on adventure ...a realization there life would never be normal again... i know i am neither one of those people , athough i thought about doing both many a times. I dont have any answers for coping with grief , i couldn't write a book on it , i couldn't counsel through it, its only been 6 months but i do know that my family, friends and faith are key to my survival , first two slightly obvious , but faith , faith in what ? Well i guess i believe that my daughter is is in a much safer place whatever that looks like , my humanness , my motherness wants her back its the ego part of me , but my soul knows that she is saying to me :" mom, this place is amazing , im ok, if you saw this place you wouldnt want to go back either, i've got it better then you, , i am whole and i am in the presence of such beauty and love , i am with God...i am creating a place for you here and that is what i imagined her doing on August 7 creating a place...i envisoned her turning around and seeing her best friend in the whole world scampering up to her licking her face and Ashley greeting her with open arms. I suppose i should explain - the girls(all 3 ) went to camp goodtimes for a week , camp goodtimes is an incredible camp for children and siblings of children with cancer or bereaved siblings of cancer . My children had a phenomemal time i think it changed them forever , they formed beautiful relationships and were in the presence of some of ashleys former dr's , they were with people who finally "got it" understood their grief, their loss, their pain , stuff even darcy and i didnt always "get" Their time was mixed with adventure , joy, tears and coping. I was so proud of them. I missed them terribly and was so thrilled for their experience when i saw them, their camp stories spilled out of them like an overfilled glass of water . Unfortunately they returned right back to reality when they learned and saw how sick sophy (ashleys dog) had been while they were gone...for those of you who followed the blog last year then you know sophy was ashleys soul mate, that she too was diagnosed with cancer a few months after ashley was ..they actually had a very similar surgery within days of eachother last June. Sophys cancer was back and her battle eerily similar, in fact, when i took sophy into the vet they suggested we put her down that very night , do you know that as i checked back on the dates it was exactly 14months to the day sophy was diagnosed ...ashleys journey as you recall was 14months to the day. Uncertain of how to handle it we decided to phone the kids at camp to explain the story and give then the option of saying good bye should the need arise , i wanted them to have the opportunity to say goodbye this time. They were sad and emotional and so existential for their tender age, Sophy ended up waiting an extra day for them to come home before saying goodbye. It was hard to say farewell to Sophy she was like a living reminder of ashley , although i'm not a huge dog person sophy was a member of this family and had been since ashleys 7th birthday, but again we knew where she was going and who would be greeting her at the gates ...now how can that picture in my mind get any better than that( ok well second best pic).We will do something special in rememberance of sophy and ashley together again. And from the words of Brittany "no tears and no scars in heaven"
So to say that life has been calm and peaceful around here would not be indicative of our time right now , unfortunatley life and death continues to unfold regardless., we have had to say goodbye to our dear friend angie, our dog sophy and my amazing stepfather mike who was such a cornerstone in our life, a man of humility despite his great successes in life, someone i truly learned form,he will be greatly missed one of my favourite people. As i visited my grandmother this weekend i knew it was probably going to be the last time i saw her ,she gave away some of her belongings and as i wanted to stop her i knew how important it was for her to pass these on , she is amazing and in one of those fleeting moments again you realize how precious life is how transient and indiscriminant it can really be. so it teaches you how you really need to have a pretty darn good understanding or okayness of what life and death means ...maybe its our own gratification our own need to control, our own limited capacity that gives us such a horrid feeling of death , we want so many answers and are unwilling to be ok with "not haviing all the answers" with "building a mystery"and just believing ,... i don't know... i don't have all the answers , i dont know how were getting through this , i don't know if it gets better or worse ...i know others are grieving right along with us and have been changed forever too so i guess we just keep on keeping on( oncology parent motto). We have done alot of things to keep us distracted ,occupied, busy ...buliding a new normal ...renovations , back to work, fundraising, creating legacies,escaping, holidaying, appreciating today, giving up control (hahaha) i don't know if we are delaying or prolonging the grief or just putting time in between thoughts., its hanging on to faith, sometimes by just a thread,whatever it is it is our grief and its our coping right wrong or unique its what were doing. Thanks for reading.
Peace,
Lori
Wow..August 2009
wow
Saturday, August 8, 2009 at 12:51am | Edit Note | Delete
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something."
She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She said: "How is my little boy? Is he going to be all right? When can I see him?"
The surgeon said, "I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it."
Sally said, "Why do little children get cancer? Doesn't God care any more? Where were you, God, when my son needed you?"
The surgeon asked, "Would you like some time alone with your son? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university."
Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. "Would you like a lock of his hair?" the nurse asked.
Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally.
The mother said, "It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. "I said no at first, but Jimmy said, 'Mom, I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom." She went on, "My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting to help others if he could."
Sally walked out of Children's Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car.
The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room.
She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She laid down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep.
It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Laying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. The letter said:
"Dear Mom, I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say "I Love You". I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room
and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things us boys do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don't be sad thinking about me. This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to see GOD ! And guess what, Mom? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you. God said for me
to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him 'Where was He when I needed him?' "God said He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children. Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see what I've written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool? I have to give God His pen back now. He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm sure the food will be great.
Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore. The cancer is all gone. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery! How about that?
Signed with Love from God, Jesus & Me.
Saturday, August 8, 2009 at 12:51am | Edit Note | Delete
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something."
She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She said: "How is my little boy? Is he going to be all right? When can I see him?"
The surgeon said, "I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it."
Sally said, "Why do little children get cancer? Doesn't God care any more? Where were you, God, when my son needed you?"
The surgeon asked, "Would you like some time alone with your son? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university."
Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. "Would you like a lock of his hair?" the nurse asked.
Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally.
The mother said, "It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. "I said no at first, but Jimmy said, 'Mom, I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom." She went on, "My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting to help others if he could."
Sally walked out of Children's Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car.
The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room.
She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She laid down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep.
It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Laying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. The letter said:
"Dear Mom, I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say "I Love You". I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room
and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things us boys do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don't be sad thinking about me. This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to see GOD ! And guess what, Mom? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you. God said for me
to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him 'Where was He when I needed him?' "God said He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children. Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see what I've written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool? I have to give God His pen back now. He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm sure the food will be great.
Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore. The cancer is all gone. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery! How about that?
Signed with Love from God, Jesus & Me.
To My Daughter on her 17th Birthday
To My Daughter on Her 17th Birthday
Monday, July 6, 2009 at 1:44pm | Edit Note | Delete
Every year on my kids birthday i write them a letter ..its one of those rituals you start with your firstborn cause you thought it was such a simple thing to do yet by the time you've had your fourth you feel like you're writing a letter everytime you turn around.This year was no exception although i had to start and stop it several times throughout.
In the letter i usually record their previous years accomplishments , milestones and hurdles . My plan was to give these letters to my kids on some special day like their wedding or 21st birthday (hopefully not after there first tattoo lol) or whatever. I have no idea what I will do with the last 17 years of letters i have written but they are tucked away for the day i decide to look at them and bear them again. This years letter i again talked about the hurdles she'd overcome the milestones she had reached and her amazing accomplishments and just how damn proud i am of her , not so much about what she learned this year but more about how much she taught us this year ,how her life has effected so many others. I told her about all the places she has travelled this year,although mostly on her own, cause i couldn't be there to hold her hand through them all . I told her how much money she raised for Cancer and BCCH .... I told her that this year again she was recognized by her school and teachers for her outstanding accomplishments physically and academically and that she may not get a schoalraship but that she will be giving one with her name on it . I told her about how she managed to make her dr's cry this time instead of the other way around., i hope she knows that because of her stay at the abbotsford hopital new structures are being put in place for caring for kids like her incluiding a pet-stay program for critically ill children. She must see that her nurses show up at church sometimes , that i pat the dog more, ... i told her about the complete strangers and good friends who ran in her name and cut their hair , how there are now overnight bags for parents at BCCH because of her and just whom she inspired ..that her sisters write poetry and quotes about her to say " i love you" Told her that her best friend iis in love with some guy half way around the world and that she needs to be here to check him out for her...that a very nice boy sits with Christy in church and how i know she would be jabbin christy the whole time if she were here...I hope she sees that there have been family connections and repairs made just because of her, and that most people who knew her cant help but think about her when they see a butterfly. I described her butterfly garden to her but i know shes getting a way better view of it from where she is. I told her about all the symbolsim in her garden and even some of the things that SHE planted before it became her garden. I told her about the beautiful 17 butterflies we released on her birthday and a special one for sophys birthday.how her cousins tried to recapture them after so as not to let her go....how she still recieved beautiful birthday gifts even though shes not here to open them. I told her how much longer it took and harder it was to build the hot tub deck because she wasnt here to help her dad and that the rest of us girls are pretty useless at that kinda stuff. I asked her to comfort her dad if he decides to go fishing this year cause i don't think it will be easy without his fishing partner. Mothers day and Fathers day just wasn't the same without her considering she was what originially made us have those days. I apologized to her for alot of things that i wish were different and that im sorry i couldnt trade places with her.
I told her how much her spirit lives on and that we talk about her everyday that her room has stayed clean and that we love to hang out in her room... its so peaceful and lively at the same time.Brittanny thinks that every "wierd" thing that happens is her spirit...that she writes popstar songs in her name and sings them with huge drama(its beautiful)I told her about Stef accepting an award in her name and how much stef looks like her when she borrows her clothes and that christy woke up to a song called "christy are you doin ok" the morning after, timing is wierd ...hard to not think there is something bigger controlling timing . I also described to her a book i had been reading and how many similarities there was in the story, except for the ending ..however when we decided to see the movie the ending changed and fit a little more ..its that timing thing, like when the book was written before we knew how OUR story would end and then the ending for the movie changed when you left us... how i think they must have filmed the movie right from your hospital room.
I let her know that she still has facebook and recieves messages frequently ,how it comforts me, i told her she was a packrat, I find funny things she kept over the years , found her name carved into the tree outback... never noticed it before...i picture her walking barefoot in the backyard and tying knots in the silliest things. I told her that although its almost been 5 months some days are as painful as the first. I ask her to tell me what its like where she is and that i am trying to be a good person so i can be with her when my time comes , somedays are harder than others( to be a good person..lol.) learned about humility the other day ...trying to work on that one! Somedays we can distract ourselves , but only temporarily,its a mind game grief plays on you... i remind myself that maybe you're looking down on us trying to say youve got the better deal, and you probably do because there is so much pain down here and i know there is no pain where you are so continue watching over us , put in a good word for us and please dont roll your eyes when we do stupid things or bicker ..were only human...and believe it or not some things are becoming a little bit ok ish now, the girls are pleased i dont nag about grades and messy rooms as much and that your dad has turned the backyard into a kingdom for them(probably so they never leave home) I finally read "the giver" thanks... funny how you knew i needed to read it , haven't been able to pick up "little women" from where we left off but hope to by your next letter.Your sisters are going to aunties house for a few days ..be with them all .Anyways miss you like crazy and love you to the moon with a cherry on top.
Peace,
Mom
Ashleys Music..June 2009
Ashleys music
Tuesday, June 23, 2009 at 9:05am | Edit Note | Delete
Ok , ive had alot of requests for the playlist for Ashleys music at the service . It has taken me awhile to be able to sit down and go through the music ...but here it is..i must say that this compilation had much thought and symbolism put into it by a variety of those who knew her best as well as her favourites too. The list could have gone on and on but this is some of what was important for all of us to remember such an awesome person. Ashley had a very eclectic taste in music...some of it very childlike and some of it quite sophisticated..she wasnt a huge trend follower(surprise surprise ..not!) or crap music listener...she chose music that reflected her life and mood , so for every song listed there are choruses/verses that are absoutely haunting at times. As i mentioned there are some definite obvious songs and others are ways we indiviually remembered her as immediate family ..extended family (her aunts, cousins, grands..etc) and friends... i hope you enjoyed the music and hope you think of her when a song strikes a chord with you..please comment below or privately if a song resonates with you.Thank you to her uncle JAson for recording..Mr Mcconchie and the yale concert band(ashleys band) for scoring the "in another time" ..for tracking down ashleys solo flute piece ..and for the concert and song dedication at last years concert dedicated piece (" in another time" ) which brought instant tears to my eyes... thank you to cascade church worship team for their live performance of .......thank you to my sisters for helping compile the music..here it is
Procession: "ONLY TIME" by Enya
"who can say where the road goes when the day flows....
coincidence ..my spiritual counelllor heard this song while flowing down the river in the mayan the morning ashley passed as she said a prayer for us...she wasnt back in time for her service ..had no idea we played the song as the procession..werid huh..This was also a song she would liten to to relax when getting procedures done.
1."CiIRCLE OF LIFE" by Elton John during the service...Ashley loived this song loved all disney songs had many of them on her ipod and it was her fave movie ...fitting
2.AVA MARIA by Josh Grolin ..bendiction
Ashley loved classics
3."IN ANOTHER TIME" Yale concert band /ashleys flute solo..end of service..
Back ground music
IN ANOTHER TIME..Vocals..line in teh song "I remember your smile"
PACHABLES "CANNNON" ..Ashley loved to relax to music played this on the piano at the hospital
"HAKUNA MITATA"..Disney .."Means no worries for the rest of your days"( knowing thats true for her now)
"FOREVER YOUNG" Rod Stewart...words she lived by
"I WILL REMEMBER YOU' Sarah mcLachlan...self explanatory
"ITS ONLY LIFE' Kate Voelege..sisters choice...line... "i'll be your steeping stone , youre not alone , don't loose your faith dont run away...."
"I HOPE YOU DANCE' Leeann Womack....mother/daughter advice she lived by
"HOME' MIchael Buble special signiificance because she always wanted to "go home" from hospital , she got to meet mIchael Buble ..well actaully i forced her to and there is a funny story behind that with her firend Baylee
IN THE ARMS OF AN ANGEL' Sarah Mclachlan..she was in the the arms of an angel ..sure of that..dreamt it
OH SWEET PEA...not sure the artist..when she was a baby her dad dedicated a song on the radio to her and this was the song they played ..it became a song and name we sang to her.
YOU GOTTA FRIEND IN ME.. TOY STORY/DISNEY this one was for all her good friends ..she was a good loyal friend ive been told
BEAUTIFUL DAY..U2.... seems like a strange song to have at a service but the words i liked..was all the things she may see now and as sad aas the day was we tried to make it a beautiful day for her
YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE..long version Anne Murray..well the hardest song of all used to sing it to her ..but was also for her sisters
Cascade Worship Team : Jason , Wendy(her nurse) and Rachel
Songs : Power of Your Love
: There is A Redeemer
: The River.
Thanks Everyone!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009 at 9:05am | Edit Note | Delete
Ok , ive had alot of requests for the playlist for Ashleys music at the service . It has taken me awhile to be able to sit down and go through the music ...but here it is..i must say that this compilation had much thought and symbolism put into it by a variety of those who knew her best as well as her favourites too. The list could have gone on and on but this is some of what was important for all of us to remember such an awesome person. Ashley had a very eclectic taste in music...some of it very childlike and some of it quite sophisticated..she wasnt a huge trend follower(surprise surprise ..not!) or crap music listener...she chose music that reflected her life and mood , so for every song listed there are choruses/verses that are absoutely haunting at times. As i mentioned there are some definite obvious songs and others are ways we indiviually remembered her as immediate family ..extended family (her aunts, cousins, grands..etc) and friends... i hope you enjoyed the music and hope you think of her when a song strikes a chord with you..please comment below or privately if a song resonates with you.Thank you to her uncle JAson for recording..Mr Mcconchie and the yale concert band(ashleys band) for scoring the "in another time" ..for tracking down ashleys solo flute piece ..and for the concert and song dedication at last years concert dedicated piece (" in another time" ) which brought instant tears to my eyes... thank you to cascade church worship team for their live performance of .......thank you to my sisters for helping compile the music..here it is
Procession: "ONLY TIME" by Enya
"who can say where the road goes when the day flows....
coincidence ..my spiritual counelllor heard this song while flowing down the river in the mayan the morning ashley passed as she said a prayer for us...she wasnt back in time for her service ..had no idea we played the song as the procession..werid huh..This was also a song she would liten to to relax when getting procedures done.
1."CiIRCLE OF LIFE" by Elton John during the service...Ashley loived this song loved all disney songs had many of them on her ipod and it was her fave movie ...fitting
2.AVA MARIA by Josh Grolin ..bendiction
Ashley loved classics
3."IN ANOTHER TIME" Yale concert band /ashleys flute solo..end of service..
Back ground music
IN ANOTHER TIME..Vocals..line in teh song "I remember your smile"
PACHABLES "CANNNON" ..Ashley loved to relax to music played this on the piano at the hospital
"HAKUNA MITATA"..Disney .."Means no worries for the rest of your days"( knowing thats true for her now)
"FOREVER YOUNG" Rod Stewart...words she lived by
"I WILL REMEMBER YOU' Sarah mcLachlan...self explanatory
"ITS ONLY LIFE' Kate Voelege..sisters choice...line... "i'll be your steeping stone , youre not alone , don't loose your faith dont run away...."
"I HOPE YOU DANCE' Leeann Womack....mother/daughter advice she lived by
"HOME' MIchael Buble special signiificance because she always wanted to "go home" from hospital , she got to meet mIchael Buble ..well actaully i forced her to and there is a funny story behind that with her firend Baylee
IN THE ARMS OF AN ANGEL' Sarah Mclachlan..she was in the the arms of an angel ..sure of that..dreamt it
OH SWEET PEA...not sure the artist..when she was a baby her dad dedicated a song on the radio to her and this was the song they played ..it became a song and name we sang to her.
YOU GOTTA FRIEND IN ME.. TOY STORY/DISNEY this one was for all her good friends ..she was a good loyal friend ive been told
BEAUTIFUL DAY..U2.... seems like a strange song to have at a service but the words i liked..was all the things she may see now and as sad aas the day was we tried to make it a beautiful day for her
YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE..long version Anne Murray..well the hardest song of all used to sing it to her ..but was also for her sisters
Cascade Worship Team : Jason , Wendy(her nurse) and Rachel
Songs : Power of Your Love
: There is A Redeemer
: The River.
Thanks Everyone!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
childrun 2009...June 2009
childrun 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009 at 11:09am | Edit Note | Delete
Its been a while since i've written, i've been a little preoccupied with going back to work(very p/t), getting yard work done and oh yeah CHILDRUN. If you've been around me at all in the last couple months you know that has been all i've probably talked about or reminded you about on facebook I think it has kept me disitracted which is kind of almost an oxymoron because the childrun is undoubetdly and completely all about childrens cancer. Last year was our first year running( i use the word running very loosely) This year our team grew by several more people and i hope it continues to do so because i think i have decided to keep with it...i think?...read on.
I really hadn't given much thought beyond the academic part of the childrun, the setting up of the website, registration , building the team, printing pledge forms , ordering tshirts , making signs , planning a bbq etc etc. I based this years preparation on last years experience ..we were newbees last year so i knew what to do different this year...however there was something very different about it this year and nothing i could plan for. Last year we could feel the money that went into oncolology research it was tangible for us we were benefitting, we had results ..this year was a whole new ball game, was i on top of the early preparation? was i able to rally a few more dollars ? did i grow our team grow by a few? ..yes! to all those questions. What i did not plan for was the excrutaiitng reality of taking the Grandview exit and turning left on Oak st to an old frightneing familiar place i like to call hell. Perhaps that is true strong of a word there are some great things about BCCH ,however, memories are not one of them. I did realize that i would more than likely run into a few people i knew, what i did not know realize that when we went to visit 3B how the wall of kids pictures would have grown in such a short period of time how the faces were all so new which represented just how many new cases there was. what i didn't plan for was the smell of the hospital the familiar markings on the walls i found myself staring at so blankly day after day month after month.The closed "parent meeting room door"and my panic for those on the other side of it. I imagined a triumphant feeling of crossing the finish line another step towards closure, that was not the case. This year i was the newbee.
On friday afternoon i was naively planning on driving into bcch to pick up the run packages and to meet my friend patty afterwards for her 43rd bday(sorry patty) dinner at earls on broadway, as the time for me to leave approached i felt the anxiety of having to face that place again(bcch) ,God must have known i needed a couple extra days to prepare for my first time back or that i needed my other kids with me because i got stuck in traffic and patty picked it up for me , we met after as planned and i felt relief for not having to face the demons for another day or two. I went home that night and had a glass or four of wine with my neighbours and a campfire and all was good for another day. We had a bbq the next night to prepare for the run , collect the money, make the signs etc...another glass or four of vino and another campfire and ready to go the next morning(i am not advocating wine as a cure all but hey i think its in the bible somewhere too ,,,turning water into wine ..sounds good to me i'll stick with that) The next day was the blast and when i say blast i mean blast , no short cut out of it no peace and calm about it , we had tired kids, nervous kids, sick kids, nervous parents, stressed parents etc etc. we started the run in tears and ended in tears , not real obvious ones , just ones that could be comforted by hugs form friends and family. So no, there was no big epiphany at the end no huge PDA"s as a matter of fact the first thing the kids said when we crossed the line was can we go get a sno cone.plllleeeaaasee. ...fine and life goes on .. i dont even think i gathred everyone at the same time for a pic ..oh well...i resorted to the fact that this wasn't about closure or facing our demons and winning, it was abut the bottom dollar it was about raising money for childhood cancer ...did you know that to write a research grant for anything involving childhood cancer ,even if its to see if a new drug will combat nausea costs about 100,00.00, and every "T" must be crossed and every"I" must be dotted or its scrapped . So, it is for the kids still fighting, the superheroes...but first and foremost it was for my superhero not because the research and money will do her any good now but it was to carry a sign to let the world know that yes 80% of kids make it through cancer but that leaves 20% that don't , my daughter is not a statistic she was a person she was a superhero too and she deserves to be remembered as one , so look at her name look at her birhtdate on the sign look at her deathdate.. she fought and we are her family and friends and we are here to let you know that this is what cancer does and this is why we run not just to raise the money but to let the world know that they left a mark on the world, they went to war , they fought a battle, some won, some lost but there is aftermath there is destruction and devesataion..they are all heroes. I am so proud of everyone , our team , my kids , my friends , my donors, my husband (who had a difficult difficult time ,) We came home and vegged we were so emotionally done ,and as we sat in the backyard reeling from the day a butterfly flew right by Darcy and i and we knew it was Ashley saying "good job guys" another marker reached another emotional purge, another way to tell the world about my beautiful girl and her amazing sisters. I congratulate "logan is our angel team" the lady bugs, they won the community award and so they should they show us consistently what support is all about and how we all need it, they've been at it along time and its moments like these that show the world their bravery too.And i know it is this years run money that will cure Logan, Angie and the other troopers Thank you to everyone who supported us once again..you're awesome, it is June the kids will be out of school soon, yeah summer, it is Ashleys bday on the 29th and again we will face another hard day and again we will find a way to make it through i have faith in that.
peace ,
Lori
Monday, June 8, 2009 at 11:09am | Edit Note | Delete
Its been a while since i've written, i've been a little preoccupied with going back to work(very p/t), getting yard work done and oh yeah CHILDRUN. If you've been around me at all in the last couple months you know that has been all i've probably talked about or reminded you about on facebook I think it has kept me disitracted which is kind of almost an oxymoron because the childrun is undoubetdly and completely all about childrens cancer. Last year was our first year running( i use the word running very loosely) This year our team grew by several more people and i hope it continues to do so because i think i have decided to keep with it...i think?...read on.
I really hadn't given much thought beyond the academic part of the childrun, the setting up of the website, registration , building the team, printing pledge forms , ordering tshirts , making signs , planning a bbq etc etc. I based this years preparation on last years experience ..we were newbees last year so i knew what to do different this year...however there was something very different about it this year and nothing i could plan for. Last year we could feel the money that went into oncolology research it was tangible for us we were benefitting, we had results ..this year was a whole new ball game, was i on top of the early preparation? was i able to rally a few more dollars ? did i grow our team grow by a few? ..yes! to all those questions. What i did not plan for was the excrutaiitng reality of taking the Grandview exit and turning left on Oak st to an old frightneing familiar place i like to call hell. Perhaps that is true strong of a word there are some great things about BCCH ,however, memories are not one of them. I did realize that i would more than likely run into a few people i knew, what i did not know realize that when we went to visit 3B how the wall of kids pictures would have grown in such a short period of time how the faces were all so new which represented just how many new cases there was. what i didn't plan for was the smell of the hospital the familiar markings on the walls i found myself staring at so blankly day after day month after month.The closed "parent meeting room door"and my panic for those on the other side of it. I imagined a triumphant feeling of crossing the finish line another step towards closure, that was not the case. This year i was the newbee.
On friday afternoon i was naively planning on driving into bcch to pick up the run packages and to meet my friend patty afterwards for her 43rd bday(sorry patty) dinner at earls on broadway, as the time for me to leave approached i felt the anxiety of having to face that place again(bcch) ,God must have known i needed a couple extra days to prepare for my first time back or that i needed my other kids with me because i got stuck in traffic and patty picked it up for me , we met after as planned and i felt relief for not having to face the demons for another day or two. I went home that night and had a glass or four of wine with my neighbours and a campfire and all was good for another day. We had a bbq the next night to prepare for the run , collect the money, make the signs etc...another glass or four of vino and another campfire and ready to go the next morning(i am not advocating wine as a cure all but hey i think its in the bible somewhere too ,,,turning water into wine ..sounds good to me i'll stick with that) The next day was the blast and when i say blast i mean blast , no short cut out of it no peace and calm about it , we had tired kids, nervous kids, sick kids, nervous parents, stressed parents etc etc. we started the run in tears and ended in tears , not real obvious ones , just ones that could be comforted by hugs form friends and family. So no, there was no big epiphany at the end no huge PDA"s as a matter of fact the first thing the kids said when we crossed the line was can we go get a sno cone.plllleeeaaasee. ...fine and life goes on .. i dont even think i gathred everyone at the same time for a pic ..oh well...i resorted to the fact that this wasn't about closure or facing our demons and winning, it was abut the bottom dollar it was about raising money for childhood cancer ...did you know that to write a research grant for anything involving childhood cancer ,even if its to see if a new drug will combat nausea costs about 100,00.00, and every "T" must be crossed and every"I" must be dotted or its scrapped . So, it is for the kids still fighting, the superheroes...but first and foremost it was for my superhero not because the research and money will do her any good now but it was to carry a sign to let the world know that yes 80% of kids make it through cancer but that leaves 20% that don't , my daughter is not a statistic she was a person she was a superhero too and she deserves to be remembered as one , so look at her name look at her birhtdate on the sign look at her deathdate.. she fought and we are her family and friends and we are here to let you know that this is what cancer does and this is why we run not just to raise the money but to let the world know that they left a mark on the world, they went to war , they fought a battle, some won, some lost but there is aftermath there is destruction and devesataion..they are all heroes. I am so proud of everyone , our team , my kids , my friends , my donors, my husband (who had a difficult difficult time ,) We came home and vegged we were so emotionally done ,and as we sat in the backyard reeling from the day a butterfly flew right by Darcy and i and we knew it was Ashley saying "good job guys" another marker reached another emotional purge, another way to tell the world about my beautiful girl and her amazing sisters. I congratulate "logan is our angel team" the lady bugs, they won the community award and so they should they show us consistently what support is all about and how we all need it, they've been at it along time and its moments like these that show the world their bravery too.And i know it is this years run money that will cure Logan, Angie and the other troopers Thank you to everyone who supported us once again..you're awesome, it is June the kids will be out of school soon, yeah summer, it is Ashleys bday on the 29th and again we will face another hard day and again we will find a way to make it through i have faith in that.
peace ,
Lori
to fellow grievers...May 2009
don't know who wrote this poem but..oh my gosh
Wednesday, May 13, 2009 at 2:00pm | Edit Note | Delete
Hi fellow parent griefers. i stumbled upon this poem today ..kinda summed it all up, thought you might relate..pass it onto all those broken hearted moms and dads
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some people are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think about how much they hurt.
No one deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger person.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a person who has lost a child.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009 at 2:00pm | Edit Note | Delete
Hi fellow parent griefers. i stumbled upon this poem today ..kinda summed it all up, thought you might relate..pass it onto all those broken hearted moms and dads
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some people are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think about how much they hurt.
No one deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger person.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a person who has lost a child.
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