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Tuesday, June 10, 2008 at 12:20pm | Edit Note | Delete
Well to say that life has been a bit of a roller coaster ride lately would be an understatement. I don't even know where to begin so i'll just purge my thoughts and hope for some clarity.
About three weeks ago when Ashley was finishing her 6th round of chemo we were discussing with the dr. What next? i left those meetings extremely clouded(lack of a better word) there was no particular terrible news but certainly nothing postivie or clear. Our dr. seemed a little baffled by the whole route the disease was taking. I at that point realized this man in front of me is not God, intelectually i knew this to be true but had somehow placed an over-enormous amount of faith in his expertise. Results were not particularly uplifting and i seemd to be getting this news in the clinic appointments where i was completely unprepared.
Ashley had a p.e.t scan a week or so later and i had been gearing my angst up to it for days, I should have relaized my limitations for this procedure. For some reason i absoultely fall apart on pet scan days. I am not sure if it is because it is performed right at the cancer agency and the word"cancer" is so predominant on the building everywhere that it just stares at me so wickedly as we approach the building. While Ashley was in the scan i slpped out to just take a breath i couldn't hold it in any longer, i knew i had no control over what those pictures would reveal and the agony of the "wait and see" approach(usually days) i had nothing to do but pray, i asked for help with this. I thought i"this is the only thing i can do and it is the best thing i can do" . We had to go back to the clinic that day and get more tests done. I was so worried , Ashley again "focussed and zoned" i could not burden her with my fear. My aunt came to sit with me at my sisters request. Darcy on the phone with me almost the entire time. Another dr. talks to me about Ashleys plateau, my aunt asks the questions i am thinking. At the end of the day the dr. tells me that the results have already come back from the pet scan it shows no more growth , music to my ears,prayers answered. The following week Darcy(who now comes to every visit)and i listen to our dr. who now seems positive for the first time in along time about the scan, he tells us that Ahsley will be getting major surgery to try to remove some tumor , microwave some of her other tumor and look at her right ovary (a possible culprit) We are exhaling for the first time in weeks. The thought of surgery and new procedures is a scary thing but one i am encouraged by.Wow we can go home and relax for a while right???? Are you kidding, that would not be indicative of this season of our life right now. So what more could go on.... well...last year we had a pipe burst in our driveway ...our side of course , not the city's... we were told it may reflect on our property taxes , i was prepared for a few hundred dollars more..well i opened the envevelope to reveal the whopping 9,000.00 bill , yes i said NINE THOUSAND DOLLARS....WHAT???? , Yes i was on the phone to the city in a scrambled frenzy 2 seconds later , mumbling something about
"CRAZY' , 'YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING', "WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER', i think 'CANCER' was squeezed in there somewehere(yeah yeah you gotta get something outta this) Anyways the very patient lady on the other end assured me to submit my recipts of repair and we should be getting an adjustment (whatever that means)I think it was about seven minutes later Ashley tells me that she feels a lump on sophys(our dog) abdomen . If you know Ashley you know how much she loves her dog, so of f to the vet we go . We were told sophy has a tumor..can you friggin believe it! (read my next passage on Sophy for details) Anyways 700.00 later, a day in doggy hospital and she seems as good as new, hoping Ashley gets out of her similiar surgey as easy.
Ok , i think 8 minutes after that i get a call from my cell phone company informing me gently that my internet service on my phone has been accessed lately to play high graphic games, i thanked them for calling, told them i barely know how to find the little numbers on my phone let alone access the internet(didn't even know it was possible)" Is that all i asked?" "yes Mrs Lowey would you like to deaccess the internet service on your phone until the 400.00 is paid? " "WHAT???? 400.00 ARE YOU OUUTA YOUR MIND, NO WAY, WHAT!!!"(THEN SOMETHING ABOUT CANCER , BLAH BLAH BLAH) then i look up to see one of my precious wallett sucking offspring scurry to her room(i won't mention which apple of my eye ...but come on....)Needless to say that same liitle apple won't be accessing any apple computers or any computer until i have 400.00 in my hot little hand which i have purposely chosen to not use to strilke my children ever, talk about restaint especially when the reply from her was something along the lines of...'WHAT DON'T WE HAVE 400.00?"
"No spankings , they (my children for the most part of my working a ACS with families)have grown up on something they call in the biz..."choices" offering them choices to establish some of their own power, a skill i DO want them to utilize with their own children someday, however i didn't think it would get turned back on me without even realizing it. Twice this week.Once, with the cellphone incident , i.e. Darcy and i went out for a much needed evening on Sat , child in question:"mom whats your choice , would you like me to take 40.00 off what i owe you or would you just like to give me the cash." ( I didn't recall asking her to even be in charge). Second time ,Christy and i shopping for a gr.8 grad dress(shouldn't grade 8 grad just be a given? is it really something in this day and age to be celebrated , moving beyond gr.8 is no longer a huge decision or accomplishment ..is it?)anyway, i am invited to view which dress im going ot pay for " Mom what s your choice the black one( the dress thats about 6 inches too short ) or the blue dress (thats about 50.00 over my gr.8 grad dress budget) talk about being played with my own game!!!!Oh and before i forget, just to add to the financial joke... i lost our income tax refund , it hink i can actually visualize myself putting it into the recycling bag in some kinda"i don't need this" foggy state. Oh well. six months ago this all would have sent me straight to the looney bin toting my plastic penny pinchers but throughout all this i had to keep going back to the good news about the surgery( i think its good news so far)the other stuff will work it self out in probably less than 100 years and if it doesn't, hopefully my debt to my children will only be 400.00. This is not to say that i am so carefree about the little stuff now that it just bounces off me...hardly! I was still in a tizzy through all of these events, just for a shorter period of time and with a few more "you gotta be kiddin" giggles.
Anyways, on a much lighter funner note, we bought a travel trailer, not new, not fancy, only pre-requsite was ...4 bunks in the back, with a door. We can't wait to get out and enjoy it, even if we park it at childrens hospital. (so you can see we are fine financially, these are just exerpts from our life lately, we are not crying out for money, do not send money, it was for your humerous benefit and my relaease)
Please if you read this be thinking of Ashley on Thursday as she undergoes surgery ,actually all the kids, and darcy and me too please we feel it when we know people are out there thinking and praying for us. Thanks everyone.

CHILDRUN
Monday, June 2, 2008 at 10:46am | Edit Note | Delete
Ok for those of you that know me , you know that running is not my claim to fame, my forte, my shining attribute...BUT... when it comes to a wothwhile cause or raising awareness i may be persuaded to throw on a pair of running shorts(Oh i do like the running fashions)lace up my runners and get dragged through the streeets of Vancouver in efforts to find something useful to do throughout this ordeal. Did i mention that this whole idea SOUNDED good 2 months ago when christy and i were trying to find a way to contribute to the cause ...(you know the rest of the family shaved their heads and i of course didn't want Christy to feel like an outsider so i chose to keep my hair too). While brainstorming my friend Patty who runs like 50k a day for fun(psycho)volunteered to run with us. Ok as much as i appreciated her gesture i immediately relaized we probably have different ideas of the word 'RUN' I asked her if she would be willing to dumb it down for us a little, i didn't want CHRISTY to feel bad. Christy decided to bring a friend (Sarah)as well, we went out for a trial run around Abbotsford and i think Christy did well she is very talented and is able to talk on the phone ,remain in perfect fashion compositon, and keep the standard 3feet behind me teenage rhythm going.
Sunday June 1 was race day, we had a boat load of kids with us and were once again making the hospital trek by 6:30 a.m.on a drizzly day WE met Patty and her son Jordan at the hospital grounds where the telethon was in full swing, once again the mood was lively and energetic, the run was for childhood cancer and "in memory " t-shirts could be spotted everywhere. The global news cameras geared up for start time , Christy primped in hopes she would be discovered and featured on the evening news soprting her neccesary lululemon running gear. Jordan started at the beginning of the pack and smoked us all at 24 minutes. He beat his mom!!!!There were so many opportuniites to cut corners , however i was told i would" feel better" if i completed the race honestly. Honestly i just wanted to complete it w/o dying! and we did Patty and i and Christy and Sarah finished the run in 52 mins , i know that must have been some kind of record for Patty but i do appreciate her resistance to sprint . We enjoyed the ru/ak chatted with the girls about parenting dilemas , giggled and gazed at beautiful shaugnessey homes wondering what it would be like to live there. the run actaully went well and it shows you that you can do anything when you have people there to support you. Ashley, Darcy, Stefanny, Brittanny and Lexine spent their time taking in the event while we sweat our guts out...but at least we still have our hair . Thanks friends...Patty, Jordan, Sarah and Lexine. more photos in album. Thanks for reading

Friends : brittanny and Lexine : lessons
Wednesday, May 7, 2008 at 12:13pm | Edit Note | Delete
To fully appreciate this note you have to view the recent pic's posted of Brittanny and Lexine : bald.
Prior to us participating in the balding for dollars event a few weeks ago, brittanny asked if she could shave her head. I asked her why and she replies "for Ashley" O f course being a normal parent who can forsee this act of kindness a little beyond the actual shave i discouraged her and tried to illicit her attention in other ways to "help Ashley" brittanny loves to draw so i encouraged her to create some artwork for the hospital which they sometimes publish. I knew that this was falling on half hearted acceptance. Balding for dollars came and to my surprise plenty of 6 year olds were having it done. Brittanny insisted a few days later that she indeed was old enough and i no longer had any leverage. I tried to give her timelines of how long it wuold take for her hair to come back. I reminded her that the fundraising was now over, Brittanny insisted that she still wanted it done. I was so scared she would do it, hear one negative comment and fall apart with regret and feel lonely and ridiculed. The next night Brittanny's friend and neighbour lexine phones and tells Brittanny that she is shaving her head ,well i know that no one would mess with lexine, they wouldn't dare. I now had no other choice but to let her do it. Lex's mom offered to shave britt's head as well and i sat there in anticipation waiting of the axe to drop like in a bad horror film. Brittanny had a smile on her face as big as texas and giggled while having her hair fall to the ground. Lexine squealed in delight as each piece of britt's locks floated away. They stopped often to hug eachother and hold hands , when they were done they danced around the room joyfully giddy admiring eachothers new dew's. they were bonded by their new sense of style and perhaps a feeling of power and freedom in a situation that they are walking through together. They posed for pic's and were greeted at school the next day as they wipped of their hats with hi-5's , praise, tears of awe. They giggled to see the expression on their teachers face. Their school journal is fulll of similar stories about their weekends and special times together, i am grateful for this friendship Britanny has ,it is pure , innocent,brittanny tells me often how much she loves lexine, they are true friends , watching them play (and they play the way children were meant to play ,with huge imagination) is awesome . I am reminded of my own special friendships the ones that walk with you through the hard stuff and celebrate with you the good stuff. i am not sure of what or why they shaved their heads whether it was strictly for ashley or cancer awareness or whatever but i am pretty sure in their hearts and minds they know.What a memory for them.

ashley's home "sweet" home
Wednesday, May 7, 2008 at 10:40am | Edit Note | Delete
Well finally Ashley is home.
Ashley went into hospital for a routine hospital day visit May.14 and ended up in hospital for 2 weeks! Now we've come to expect the unexpected but sometimes it's a paradox between "don't make any plans because they can change in a moment" to having to micromanage and plan every detail in case the unexpected does happen. The one thing that seems to resinate as a coping skill is "acceptance" vs. "resistance" i used to think that if i just had a handle on everything or stayed one step ahead i could manipulate the outcome(not in a negative way)it was my mantra "fit everyting in, work hard, organize, it will all work out". being bedside with ashley in the hospital is both a priveldge and an exercise in being present ,accepting the moment, and knowing that there is power in giving up control,yes i have been reading A new Earth , but also a book called The power of losing control The title is a little decieiving but a good read for those who want to let go of over-control.
Ashley is doing well , spirits are up now that she is out of the hospital, we try to find ways to pass the time in the hospital but i do have to admit there is a sense of calmness while there sometimes , you're not forced to clean or cook extensivley , sometimes we bead necklaces or play games or paint .
Alhtough having said that it is amazing when the dr.'s come in to say today is the day we're going home (usually after my incessant nagging, they probably look forward to me going as well). I immediately start visualizing our reunion after 2 weeks of hosptial/home swapping with darcy, i see us walking in the door being greeted by the children with hugs and kisses and children saying things to eachother like "i missed you so much, i am so glad we're together as a family"big group hugs , a clean house, the aroma of cookies baking in the back ground, the sound of peace and tranquilty, a big sign reading welcome home mom(or dad)....REALITY CHECK not even cancer can perform those kinda miracles. Real life now...I walk in the door there is no big sign , just bills...Ashley immediately tells christy to get her sweater off and "how dare you disrespect my stuff when i have cancer" Christy "oh blow it out your ear(i used the word ear, not likely) Stefanny is asking me for aride to her friends and can't unnderstand how i could possibly make her wait 10 minutes. Brittanny is asking me if i bought her a "souvenir" from the gift shop. Oh yeah Christy wants to know if i stopped a t Lulu Lemon on the way home to buy her $80.00 yoga pants(christy has done yoga once in her life)The smell in the backgroungd is not cookies ,it is pizza pops for everyone in our neighbourhood and 3 streets over. The peace and quiet begins when we see the back of each kids head revolving at the computer desk and telephone with converstions like " geez my parents won't buy another computer so i have to use the phone i wish we were rich" , 2 weeks of catching up in the high-pitched bickering area (love disguised), throw in a couple of 'SHUT UPS and were good to go ,hangin' out catching up, laughing, and somewhere in there a bunch of hugs.Theyre awesome they have kept everything normal , couldn't ask for more.
Ashley is home until early next week when she begins her 6th round of chemo, Ashley was not able to get the stem cell transplant at this time because of a slow recovery and infection, perhaps after next round.
Thanks for reading.
Peace(ha ha)
The Lowey's

bald is beautifulShare
Monday, April 28, 2008 at 1:34am | Edit Note | Delete
THEY DID IT!
Unbeleiveable! I think i was more nervous than they were. Half our family is now bald! They look awesome!They had smiles on their faces the whole time and what made it even more fun was the fact that Ashley got to shave Stefanny's hair. How often would a sister let the other one shave her, it was a very sacred tender moment,you could feel it, one that will be imprinted in my mind forever,
We were very blessed that day, the weather was amazing there was positive energy throughout the event , considering the venue and circumstance, again it was quite spiritual.Our many friends joined us to celebbrate and support us in this event, the kids all had a good time, there was games and prizes and food and bouncy houses and sumo wrestling that Chrisy and her friend took part in (hilarious)One of our family friends even had his head shaved after raising money as well , we are privileged to have such good friends pesent at the event and supporting us in so many other ways throughout this fundraiser.(strangers too) Being a part of this was therapeutic and was a step in a direction that has given our family some sense of control and contribtuion often when there is no other way to attain it . We are very proud of Stefanny but just as equally with our other children , Brittanny is contributing some artwork to Cure Search in hopes that it will be published and Christy is hoping to do Child Run for kids cancer. Aren't they all amazing in finding their own way to cope. We are happy to report that Stefanny exceeded both her goals and made close to $3000.00. Awesome! The best part of the day is that we were all together, outside on a beautiful day, laughing, enjoying fun and friends, feeling good.seeing hospitalized children smiling, what more can you ask for ( well, yes, health, we're getting there.) I learned this week that positive energy, good friends , faith and a beautiful day can lift you to amazing places. We forgot where we were for a while. Thanks everyone!(check pic's)
Love and Peace

The Lowey family

Life Lately with The LoweysShare
Wednesday, April 16, 2008 at 10:02am | Edit Note | Delete
Hello Family and Friends,
Well I thought maybe we'd join the 21st century and and bring our world closer to yours and try our best to keep everyone informed on the latest information on our everchanging journey.
On Dec.16 a typical Christmas rush kinda day, getting our Christmas tree etc. we took Ashley into clinic to have a pain in her side checked which we had chalked up to "growing pains" for a couple of days. Thanks to a dilligent Dr at the clinic we were told to go to MSA. Ashley was fearful of going because she didn't want to get a needle.(how surreal that moment has become) Within a couple of hours we were blindsided with the probability that Ashley likely had cancer. If you have ever felt the stability under your feet completely removed , a feeling of nothing holding your body up, and a primitive sound within your soul emitting from some part of your body then perhaps you can relate. We were taken to Childrens Hospital the next day by ambulance, a reference of time i do not recall. We were introduced to the main oncologists and the medical team within hours(previously i had not known the meaning of oncolgy)I remember asking "how long do you think we'll be here?" clinging to the hope that it was just a mistake or mix up. We had to wait four days to find out whether she had a cureable type cancer...or not. Our memory of that time was in flashcard mode. "Surgery" "Oncology" "Chemotherapy" "transfusion".We were wisked into several parts of the hospital for various procedures and "parent meetings" at 5:00 daily where the news was always a mix of shock, little comfort and faint hope. Ashley was diagnosed Dec. 20 with germ cell tumor(rare cancer, less 3%)...mostly curable but requiring aggressive chemo, because it was stage 4. Her AFP which is the tumor marker read 42,000 a normal body 's AFP is 11. Ashley took the news with strength and grace and a fight just as our other amazing kids Christy Stefanny and Brittanny did. Darcy was strong and looked at the doctors when i couldn't bear their medical looking faces. Ashley was allowed to go home for a couple of days for Christmas which was bittersweet and not celebrated with the same traditon or importance on the trivial. I knew at this time that nothing would be the same ,our time, our thoughts ,our actions, our perspective had changed in a milli-second.Telling our family and friends was difficult ,rightly so, they had questions which we just couldn't answer.Childhood cancer is random and not lifestyle realted there was no rhyme or reason.we wondered how? why? when?too.
We began to get an outpouring of love support and prayers once the news was out. My sister became our task master and family spokesman. Others came forward with gifts and food( freezers fulll of yummy food) and and cards and fundraising, prayer emails and chains, gift cards , gas cards, coffee cards,great support from our employers, technical support.laptop,wine and hospital visits, comfort , penny drives, penny rolling.beautiful blankets,and thoughtful necklaces and pins,books and quotes, hugs, errand running, transporting our children, offering support and outtings to Christy stefanny and BRittanny. Ashley was back in the hospital beginning chemo Dec.27 i left my job, darcy modified his work schedule (thanks to his generous employers)so that we could take turns being with Ashley and our other patient helpful children.A new normal was arising, Chemo hit Ashley like a tsunami and my new definition for helpless is watching your child violently ill and realizing that the normal measures of comfort we usually offer our children are rendered completly useless.New Years was spent with Darcy and Ashley celebrating together in the hospital and the rest of us celebrating Christy's new years eve13th bday with a party to maintain some normalacy. We have gone through 5 rounds of chemo and two uexpected long hospital stays(including Easter) due to serious infection. We were hoping Ashley would be eligble for surgery but she is not which requires more and different chemo as the last chemo was begining to seriously effect her hearing.
We are perparing now for a bone marrow transplant(her own cells) and an unknown amount of more chemo.Her AFP is now at 760. Yes our life has changed dramatically in many ways, we had to say goodbye to our dog Charlie, (we just couldn't spend the time we needed with him , so again Darcy's employers stepped up and brought Charlie into their disneyland for dogs.)we have made the hospital our second home,Ashley is tutored at home and at the hospital and voice conferences one of her classes. We have had to rely on many people which i am truly truly grateful for, we have seen the kindness of strangers, one little boy we have never met(Austin) raised 180.00 in his school for Ashley to get a wig. We have witnessed the amazing expertice of the medical team at Childrens as well as the patience and compassion of the nurses, they just know exactly how to be with parents and children even when parents are not "coping well". There is a special place in heaven for these people. We have been blessed with the previously mentioned and look around and see that there is always someone who has it tougher than us, there are families who have had to camp out becuase they live too far to drive being separated from one another, we are lucky to have such a great medical plan i have seen others spending hundreds on the same medicine as Ashleys where ours is covered.We are thankful for a decent vehilce to drive back and forth, we have had to travel in bad weather several times but have always felt lifted to and fro.We have angles around us all the time, in one form or another. we have eachother and our time is so much more precious. Somedays our life seems so normal and i actually shock myself again remebering that yes we have cancer. we are finding ways of coping by meeting other parents on the ward , educating ourselves , talking, reading ,praying and becoming involved in the perks of this (lack of a better word) teen groups, support groups and recenlty an upcoming fundraiser which we would like to tell you about. April 26 Stefanny and Darcy will shave their heads at a balding for dollars fundraiser at BCCH ,balding for dollars is an organization which supports the oncology dept. patients and their families. Stefanny is accepting pledges in person and online.baldingfordollars.com click on sponsor a shavee enter stefanny lowey and follow the donation prompts. Again we thank all of you for everything i just can't begin to tell you how much it has meant to us, we are forever grateful, although cliche it really shows you who your friends are. We will keep you posted as time goes on. Right now we are trying to live in the moment and we don't overplan anything(very difficult for a control freak) realizing what is in our control and what is not.This along with patience and faith (still learning the meaning of that) are the lessons thus far .Drop us a line.if we can't get back to you right away please forgive us Much love and peace. The Lowey Family

Welcome to the Journey of a Butterfly

Welcome to Ashleys Journey,

We invite you to follow along one family's journey through grief and loss, one brave young girl's journey through faith and inspiration, this is not a blog to convert anyone , nor is it a blog about fundraising , it is what i hope will reach another family on a similar journey, we are not experts , i could not give you a magic remedy for how one gets through disease and devestation but it is our story , sometimes gut wrenching other time heartwarming and all of the time, i guarantee, very real. We are not perfect, we struggle daily and i think that the more we connect to one another the more we understand what this journey through life is all about . Sometimes that path is bumpy and we fall down, sometimes we sit and stop a while,or take a step back and other times we pound our fists on the pavement like a lunatic , still other times we find ourselves picking eachother up dusting eachother off and walking alongside them even if only for short time. This blog is dedicated to Ashley , her sisters and every single angel that picked us up along this road.

This is an introduction to the beginning and middle part of our journey the specific blogs are more indepth , the end...well there will never be an end to this journey i've come to realize that , not on this earth, for now we just assimilate it into our life like a hole , a missing limb, a continous ache that you just learn to live with.

When Ashley was about 12 years old she asked if she could go to youth group at a local church , i didn't have any church upbringing but know i craved it throughout my life , this was a rare opportunity and i recognized that if i didn't embrace it now she may lose her interst in it very quickly and beocme a jaded, cynical, stubborn person like her mom. My husband grew up in a very religious (shove it down your throat) kinda religion( i wont mention any names)or maybe it was the way he was raised ? Anyways i encouraged her to go because the community we had moved to embraced this kinda thing so i thought why not? Naturally and shortly after she started attending she was soon encouraging us to go , she had made quite a leadership name for herself there , pionner leader , sunday school helper etc, i was comfortable for the first time in my life going to a church, maybe it was the first word that greeted you as you walked in..."belong" maybe it was because they embraced community and outreach service in our city , dont know, but soon found it very therapeutic, cheaper than a shrink, and our other 3 girls jumped on board pretty quickly, my husband well... a work in progress , he communes with God in a fishing boat he says , although makes many efforts to go even if just for good way to start the week, i was still cynical , felt i wasnt holy enough but went anyways.

Ashley was scheduled to sing a solo in the church choir Dec 16 2007 , i was scared for her, i was sure she got her singing skills from me which was nil at best. She sang beautifully and you couldnt tell she had been complaining of cramps , something i chalked up to girls stuff/growing pains for a couple weeks off and on, she was an active healthy girl. When the performnce was done we got our christmas tree and i took her to the clinic to have it checked out before Christmas , they sent us to our local hosptial for tests , i was worried it was appendix. Darcy, my husband left the hosptial to go pick up our other 3 girls from friends houses , i caught the doctor in the ahallways and asked if the ulstrasound pictures were back, i remember having eye contact with Ashley only feet away from me but far enough away for her not to hear the doctor to so impassionaltely say "its not appendix, it looks like cancer", i have to stop as i write this because it is still one of the 2 biggest shocks in my entire life, i think i ran down the hallways screaming with no sound coming from my throat and not knowing where i was running . I phoned Darcy and words didnt come out of my mouth. Before I knew it we were at out local Childrens Hospital(100km away) meeting oncologiosts , being give an "oncology team" which consisted of a primary nurse, a social worker, a main oncologist and a shrink....wait a minute ...what is an oncologist? yep, a cancer doctor, this was the real thing . we waited 4 days to find out what type we were dealing with ... it was curable 90 % even though she was stage 4 , how the hell can my kid have stage 4 cancer and only a few cramps , it was mind bending. We were thrown stright into a world so foriegn to us , everything stopped ..jobs ..PAC meetings ,carppoling and yes even some friends who"couldn't handle it" it was no longer our own beds , our own home, our own anything. Treatments and life became unbearable , the 90% cure rate was not looking good at any stage throughout our journey , it seemd to be always full of negative news to the point where i couldnt stand the face of her oncologist , it nearly made me want to vomit everytime i saw him...The words they briefed us on as we began this mind altering path was " one of you will grieve through this process and no matter the out come the other will grieve after " they couldn't have been more right.......Ashley insisted on going to church on Christmas eve, two nights before she was to start chemo at the end of the service our pastor came to pray with us , i didn't know many people in the church , but wow did they know Ashley, when we rose our heads from bowing in prayer the whole congregation was surrounding us , i knew at that moment who i was going to need to get me through this ...would he be willing to listen to me...