Lost in Mexico

April 12, 2015 at 9:37pm

Well it's day 3 back from Mexico and feeling a bit chilly, a bit lost as i cannot seem to find someone to fill my margerita cup, ugh that sounds a bit entitled.

I will spare you from boring details and  pictures of someone else's boring adventures except to say that we did have a   trip of a lifetime , the last time we were in Mexico was shortly after  Ashley passed so it was more like an escape from  our grim reality , this time was a bit more about  truly appreciating where we are today , in that moment and  trying a few things we've never done before , including  tagging along a couple  boyfriends (the girls , not mine) , wow what a difference in our lives and spans  from 6 years ago, my kids have  grown up  and Mexico was  a true yardstick for that measurement of time.

Our resort was lovely and frankly i would be happy in a grass shack on a white sand, blue sea  shore anywhere in Mexico  but this place was huge, a few differences from our last place but nothing even worth mentioning , the most important  attribute was  how friendly the staff were , i swear i must have said hola 200 times a day in reply , we were situated close to the quaint little  town of Bucerias  so we were able to  walk /ride bikes there ,  Darcy and i ventured off ( aka  got lost) into  some less than  quaint streets of "real " Mexico and  got a glimpse of "out of resort" life , as eye opening as it was  it was one of my highlights . We enjoyed  para sailing boogie boarding  massages on the beach  ( by a professional , not  our lame ass massages) ATV'g  seadooing and  a sailing adventure to Maredias to scuba dive ...spectacular , the evening shows were incredible and we were able to spend some time getting to know stef
's friends parents who were also on the trip ...one night we were leaving the lounge and up the street out of the resort i could hear singing  being belted out of the nearby sports bar , i wondered why that  voice sounded so familiar  and yes it was my karaoke  Stefanny belting out some  tune i had never heard before, did i mention Stef has a little wild side.

So to say the trip was perfect would nearly be an understatement and my only regret or preparation for next time would be to speak the language , maybe getting lost  would be a little less intimidating if i could say something more than  hola and mojito and gracias, seriously now .
So perfect  as it was right up to the last evening , my only  thing left on the list of stuff i wanted to do was to get a family pic on the beach at sunset , easy, right ? We gathered at the beach and because i had been so careful to remove my necklace during  our excursions i remembered to put it on for the picture , i wanted Ashley in the picture , if you're confused let me explain , my necklace ( well, we all have one ) is an angel which  contains Ashleys ashes in it so you can imagine the  sentiment. As i was attempting to put in on  the clasp came away and i  kinda got worried about  how safe it would be to wear so just as i was putting it away in my bag the necklace  swung in front of the picture that i quickly tried to snap of the girls , i took 3 steps and felt the  medallion hit my foot and fall , i immediately fell to my knees trying not to disturb it  but it wasn't there it wasn't where it was supposed to be , i started to panic and pretty soon all of us were looking for it but the more you moved , the more likely it was  to  fall beyond the surface , like quicksand , pretty soon others joined the search and as more joined the  worse i felt , the stupider i felt , i'm sure they were wondering what the big deal was ," it's only a material thing , you can get another one "  perhaps the people we were vacationing with  got the   word out because  somehow  the dig became a little more intense and  before i knew it there were 15-20 extra people  helping  the number kept growing , we had a rake and  a sand grater, flip flops  for  gridding and the sun was going down, fast .Little kids started helping and as much as i wanted to hug their  chubby little faces i wanted to scream" stop digging  you little monsters you're making it worse" as the sun was  fading fast so  was my hope , i could not bare the fact of leaving  Ashley behind ,i know its only symbolic but i felt like such a bad mom , i lost my child on the beach . Soon Darcy was  convincing me to let it rest for the night  and pick it up in the morning , i had to let it go,   the next day  was our last day  we only had a few  short hours left in Mexico and i didn't know how to wrap my head around it , this must all sound so silly  but that's how my crazy mind works . I couldn't sleep all night and kept trying to  relive the moment  when  i dropped it  recreating the picture i took to give me a better location ...i got up and headed to the beach  at  dawn and as i approached the beach it didn't look the same, the area seemed different but i started skimming the surface of already  dug up sand and as i said a little prayer ...just like  direct irony to the prayer i could hear the sand grating machines starting up and heading my way , i wanted to run  in front and throw myself down and give them what few pesos i had left to just shut down there  stupid machines, like really do you really need to  sift the sand ...ugh!  A few minutes later  Darcy came  sauntering by , i was really hoping not to get  a whole speel on  "safe places to keep jewelry in Mexico" the problem with  this sweet little medallion is that its no longer  shiny silver , its actually  the color of Mexican sand ..people were starting to gather on the beach , i'm not sure whether to  help , watch ,or  witness the crazy lady flipping sand about the beach , either way i was in a  zone , the  minutes were ticking down like sand in an hourglass ( and so are the days of out lives , forgive the soap operatic moment) and  i tried  resolving this emotionally and mentally and physically ....then i heard  the sound of triumph ..."OLE" and Darcy's  arms  fling up in the air and  beach break out into applause , i fell forward onto the warm beautiful Mexican sand and thanked God , thanked Darcy and burst into tears  , it was lost and now its found , those people , those funny sweet  people that you know you're never gonna  see ever again in your life  that stopped what they were doing  even for a few moments and  dug in , put aside there own stuff and in the end  rejoiced along with us. Of course  we told ourselves silly little tings like "Ashley just wanted to spend a night on the beach " " she didn't like the picture i took " " wanted to have some fun with us " not easy to do for a concrete thinker but i'll take it ...so the trip was  wonderful and meaningful and peaceful in so many ways , were home and don't think for a moment Darcy is not taking full advantage of  payback for his heroism

What i think i know so far ( Grief)

February 16, 2015 at 10:04pm

Today, like every other Feb 16th for the past 6 years ( well 5 ) i get up in the morning thankful for the weather because either way it doesn't matter, if it's sunny  then naturally it gives me a boost  but if its raining or snowing i can comfortably curl up on the couch and  block out the world for the day. I set out and stop at  the florist and buy flowers , usually carnations or  a festive looking bouquet , today they had some pretty valentine bouquets with hearts... and ...no i wasn't trying to be  cheap it was that it looked like love to me so i  brought them to the counter  and the lady asks me if i want them wrapped ...no, i say..she asks me if i'm sure " people really like to see a  pretty wrapped bouquet " "mmmhhmm" i replied "but no it's ok " strange look from  her but what was i gonna say " they're going into a graveside marker , what's the point", why ruin her day ...off to the dollar store for 10-12  balloons helium filled and" let me get outta here fast so i can start my hibernation thing" ...customer behind me " oh do you have a birthday party today too?" ...me "ummm , no " then the cashier chimes in  " a belated  valentines party ? she asks and giggles ( yes they were valentines  balloons... well heart ones and ones that say i love you, how fitting)  i started to say no then just gave in and said "yea sure " the ugly part of me wanted to shout "shut up can't a person buy  balloons with out the 3rd degree , if you really must know  they are for my daughter , she's 16 and i will be lying  them at her grave today"  Thank God that is a very tiny voice that only rears it's ugly head inside my  own head ,not to worry  it's swirled amongst a bunch of other voices that randomly  spout out  random things at random times ...i think i've probably  shared more insight into  my brain activity for the day so i shall move on.

This year felt particularly difficult it was physiological , lots of tummy aches and  anxiety and so on and so on for all of us, i think part of it was because the week has come full circle ,it is a Monday again , she passed on a Monday , maybe  we felt the days deeper this year , maybe they brought back more memories or connections , i don't know , it's grief , there's no explanation. I see on facebook they are trying to make BC's Family Day the 3rd Monday in February to coordinate with some of the other provinces, well that is going to be twisted irony every 6 years ...ugh. Thank you all for your continued support and remembrance of Ashley. We released balloons today and as we set them free mine and Darcy's got tangled up together(hope im not pregnant...kidding ) and they sailed away trying to catch up to  the girls balloons ...story of our lives...lol

On this 16th of February, 6 years to the date of Ashley's passing , i have come to know  many things i wish i didn't know  but in some weird way have gained value from knowing them. This has not been an easy ride,  sometimes i think i'm living someone else's life , i still wake up  some mornings and wonder  how i got here, wonder how i'm going to put my feet on the floor and face the day and to tell you the truth  some days , the really bad days i just don't bother , but those days have  become further  and further apart , so i suppose that is in some definition ; healing , although it doesn't really ever feel like it. But here goes , here are some things, some absolutes i've learned along the way, what i know for sure

Bad things happen to good people . Period. But...
Good things happen to bad people , the thing is though, i think we all have good and bad in us , so defining good and bad is subjective , good and bad will happen to all.

You can feel safe and scared as hell in a hospital , often simultaneously

Nothing , nothing, prepares you for tragedy, it takes your breath away , brings you to your knees and makes primitive noises come out of  your soul ,it burns , that is when you know you are living a tragedy , a true tragedy , not a cliche tragedy

People will disappoint you, but you will likely disappoint  others it's called  being human , forgive

Use your tragedy, calamity , trial , tribulation whatever you call it as experience , use that  to be on the look out for others going through something similar  and aid , help , assist, comfort  whatever you call it just do it , someone , somewhere will need your strength  and experience , your pathos may lead  their way. This is one of the best ways to cope with grief.

There is always someone who has it worse than you

Saying "i just want to be happy " is like saying i only want to be part human

Everything happens for a reason ...hog wash...i find that it helps me more to think that things happen and we can find purpose  from it

This too shall pass

The bible verse " God doesn't give you more than you can handle " is misquoted and  harmful, we are not meant to "handle " difficulties on our own, that is why we have a God. The verse actually refers to temptation not being able to overtake you , God will provide a way out.

Grief is not linear or lateral and the "5 stages of grief " are like an unfinished recipe. i can think of 10 more off the top of my head . There is no right way to grieve , it can look odd sometimes

Time does not "heal" it provides a scab over a hurt

losing a dog is not like losing a child , do not defend this unless you've lost both

Although losing a child is said to be the greatest loss , i will never say im in more pain than you, my worst pain and your worst pain is one's worst pain at that particular moment

You do not have to be in an obvious "helper" type job such as a nurse pastor  social worker dr  whatever to make a difference and show compassion in your job. One of the people that touched us the most during our journey at BCCH was the food porter , i can't describe it  but it's the way he brought her food , sometimes, the smell of it  ( from chemo) was enough to throw her into  vomit fits , he was so compassionate and would check before he  brought her food and smile so tenderly at her . I also remember the  housekeeping , the mopping they would have to do in her room , they didn't complain or make anyone feel bad it was almost like an honour for them , just so respectful, these acts of compassion brought tears to our eyes many a days

I have not lost a sibling , i have only witnessed it and it appears to be a loss of the possibility of the longest  relationship they would have ever had and all that that beholds

Hope is fluid and often changes form

I'm not exactly clear on prayer and miracles, but i don't think God says "you didn't pray hard enough" so hearing  how hard someone else prayed and had a good outcome  can be difficult to hear, i know many who never prayed at all and had a better outcome and others who prayed stedafasted(ly) and did not

Life is not fair

We are all on our own spiritual journey , some are further ahead , it's not a race with someone else

Jesus turned water into wine

Doctors are not God nor should they have the burden placed upon them ( hard lesson)

People will say really stupid things to you in your time of pain , i think it's inherent to say something to someone but it's ok to say nothing and just be

Sometimes in these circumstances it will be people you never expected to be there for you  and the ones you expect to be aren't

Tragedy and major loss in a family changes  a family  some things obviously for the negative but from the ashes  there are gifts, you come to know very deep aspects of the others soul, like uncorking a buried part of them.

Time is a double edged sword , it softens hard memories but it fades the good memories too

There is always something to be grateful for

No gesture is too small when comforting someone in pain

Grievers like to hear their  lost one's name

There is a God and there is peace in knowing that this world is temporary  that we are here to love our neighbour and we shall see our loved one's again and what a glorious day that will be.

Peace

Simplicity

Simplicity
Well it's that time of year again and my message is the same , perhaps it goes out to those who are unsure what to do with themselves as this month sweeps most people up in merry sense of busy-ness. There aren't too many gifts i consider valuable this time of year but one i guess i try to remember and keep close to my heart is that Christmas CAN be something different than what the world dictates to me, it can be simple , un-grand , basic, it can be for-going of the unnecessary , this isn't being scroogy it's time spent with loved ones , a fine meal and if finances happen to treat you to a bonus then sure, ....gift giving. Religiously speaking, the bible does not really dictate the exact birth of Christ but can be a time to be grateful for the birth of a Savior . I think i now happen to know more people , through similar journeys and the clients i see at work that Christmas has become a struggle for many people to get through, this is unfortunate because the bar has been set so high in western culture to provide some idealistic , magical , super hero Christmas, seems to me by watching people who serve others, somehow it takes the focus off the unnecessary... if you struggle at Christmas it's ok to set the bar lower, be gentle with yourself and don't get caught up on the things you just can't do and feel pressured to do. Having said that , i am grateful if i can just get through this holiday, this month, in peace, i thought i was nearly half way through until i got a phone call on Friday night, i happen to be bell ringing for Christmas kettles with Brittanny's Youth Group on Friday night when i got the dreaded phonecall ... "the girls have been in a car accident", after several explatives that i tried to hush ( as i mentioned i was with the church youth group ...yikes) my body went into that all familiar frozen mode, numb from the brain down. "Really God ? you see where i am right now, right? not that i ring bells to ensure my kids safety and health forever and ever but cmon , now? Once i was able to hustle my terrorized butt out of there i still had a 20 min drive home to grab Darcy and go....oh there's a treat , waking my husband and relaying this info...have you ever tried waking a bear out of hibernation to tell him winter's not really over...this poor man sleeps in startle mode most of non waking hours(battlescars) ...needless to say we were out the door and into that strange familiar December soul-cold air that i hadn't felt in several years, headed for E. Hastings and Kennsington in seconds... but what do you know there's an accident 3 cars ahead of us on the freeway. Mom of the passenger (Jen ) happen to make it to accident scene before us and decided to take the girls to the hospital and meet us there ...Once we met them at the hospital i was able to see them , bruised and battered from the airbags deploying, but alive , walking and besides a very swollen botox-looking lip on Logan, recognizable ...oh did you notice i said Logan , yes Logan the child with umpteen brain tumors ( friends from our time at BCCH) of course i was worried about Christy , her pain she would feel in the next couple days , her ego , her emotions but i just needed to hear that Logan suffered no trauma to anything above her plump lip. Triggers were misfiring in all departments of my body. Once again i found myself sitting next to a familiar friend who i really hoped that i would never have to encounter in a hospital again ...but she was cool as a cucumber , maybe all those years in oncology, this is nothing, this isn't Children's, this is some weird kind of everyday normal kid thing , not to say she wasn't concerned , just a different perspective i guess... i could use a dose of that, and no we had no oncology parent Ativan drug dealing ..(oops i meant sharing ) going on either ... Anyways we all got to leave the hospital at the same time, the cold air blasting me in the face again, this time it seemed slightly warmer... these besties sporting matching hospital bracelets ... some kinda cute memory for them ...some kinda weird torment for us. Oh and Stef poor Stef in all this . her car , Christy borrowed it and well lets just say i think we're car shopping again , minor damage but air bags went off so its probably a done deal. Well yesterday marked the 6th anniversary of diagnosis day and today the day i first encountered her oncologist at BCCH...K.S. not the easiest relationship i've ever had but it's not one that should even exist if we were in a perfect world, so ...i'll leave it at that.... bid you all a very peaceful time , may you all experience the possibility of simplicity and peace and giving and gratitude and a year of God's strength and grace for whatever lies a ahead

A lesson in letting go....

Ok , i haven't written in a few months and today provided me  with enough material to write a book. Give you some backstory  first...a few months ago Christy had made the decision to investigate missions trips , did her research and  chose OM Canada and a short missions to Chile , although very excited for her and her  decision to use her talents with  teaching young children  her dad and i were quite hesitant and a little fed up with people saying "she'll be just fine " ...."really ...do you have a crystal ball? would you have said that to me  when  Ashley was  having cramps that lead to  an ultrasound and so  on and so on , just because  something tragic has happened to one of your children does not give you a free pass on the rest of your children , the world does not work like that....Anyways, we finally came to the conclusion that she is 18  nearly 19 and will do what she chooses to do  and really this is something selfless and  in her words  God driven, it's not like she was going on a  3 week booze cruise to  Mexico...  so priorities right , convictions right? Anyways , she fundraised shared her  heartfelt testimony  managed to get the time off at a fairly new job and communicated the  paperwork etc to get this going, HOWEVER, the mom part of me  would consistently ask her questions re the trip , the  particulars , itinerary etc, answers were met by "I got this don't worry, I can do it myself" ....Folks, this is not like helping your child  prepare for her gr 7 camp or band trip this was a lesson in letting go ...yesterday ,i had noticed that she was barely packed , i asked her if she needed help , i may well have just asked her if she wanted me to go with her ..."Christy do you have appropriate shorts to wear there (its 27 deg) and not your daisy dukes for crying out loud"... "MOM i'll get some" .. (this is 24 hours  prior to trip) . Jump ahead mid afternoon, day before trip,  she starts making cupcakes  to take to her coworkers ( we're not allowed any by the way) then off to lunch with friends ...now i'm cringing , she strolls in at 4 ish with her friend,  i order her favorite dinner and suggest we all watch a movie, movie finishes around 8 and she decides she has to go get a travel convertor because ours is not the  right one..phones me an hour later to  inform me she and Stef are  going out for her friends bday dessert at Cactus Club , now i'm in panic mode. strolls in at 10 p.m. , packs a bit more , never did get her  convertor. The next morning 7:30 am (90 mins prior to leaving for airport,) she takes her time curling her hair , picking an outfit, doing her make up and getting dressed, at 8 am informs us she's gotta go drop off her  cupcakes at work then  drop a bday card off for her friend and pick up a travel convertor .."ugh all these things i/she could have done a week ago " she strolls in the door  at 8:55 ... the rest of us  have out coats on standing at the door,  with her luggage inn our hands ready to go , she heads back to the bathroom to finish winding her hair around  her curling rod and telling us to relax ."CHRISTY we have to go " ...."k well i have to  send an email from my phone to the computer and print it off first "  41 flippin pages later ( no joke) and just what is this document ???? a handbook of all the answers to questions i had been  asking for months...are you kidding??????????
Ok now were at the airport, not that i expected some hallmark moment at Air Canada departures but if you want the rundown on that  slice of heaven i'm sure you can catch it on some episode of  Candid Camera or  airport security cameras "teenage daughter blasts family "i can do it myself" it;'s alright and by the end of it we were all laughing and shaking our heads, really did you expect any less /more .
Needless to say it's been a stressful week , with the passing of my dad ( almost a year to the day of  Darcy's dad's passing ) We had intended to visit him on the Sunday so Christy could say her possible last goodbye's but  as fate has it  cancer had other  ideas ...stupid cancer full of so many evils, he passed way  2days prior. Once again i would like to thank everyone for their support and condolences and prayers not only for our loss but also for the prayers of support in letting go. It's been a few days since i started this  entry and we have spoken to Christy who seems to be in her  element , yesterday she was playing  soccer in the courtyard with children from the orphanage, nothing like living vicariously through your children ...hahaha.
Meanwhile on the homefront we are preparing for yet another driver in the house , thankfully she has purchased her own car so mine will be slightly more preserved , strange thing letting go , whether it's your  children or your parents , there has to be some sort of resolve , some sort of que sera sera moment when you let be  what will let be , make peace with it and know God is with us in all circumstances , perhaps not changing the circumstances, but walking with us through it .
p.s. Christy if you're reading this  Dad has been driving you Land Rover , Stef's wearing your clothes and Britt's sleeping in your bed...Just sayin.

Peace and Joy,
Lori

Original written date dec 16 2012

Time and Faith and  Hope and a  Bunch of other Stuff


Time seems to be spinning at a new rate or what they say about getting older and time is really true because i can't seem to keep up , maybe i just don't want to because i don't really like the deception of time lately. Yes , i know that this time of year does a little number on my sanity , perhaps even more this year as we recently reached the 5 year mark of Ashley's diagnosis...5YEARS , what ??? As i sat around on Dec 16 feeling a bit sorry for myself i couldn't help but think of 20 new members inducted into the grieving parents club, allbeit very different circumstances...i watched the President and various clergy address the grief in Newtown and thought about the various ways evil in this world snatch our children away from us , they come in different forms i suppose . gun wielding disturbed individuals , poverty , illness, regardless they all take large numbers of children every year and it is unfortunately something i don't think is necessarily going to go away in our lifetime . I wonder how these families are going to get through this, especially this time of year which kinda brings me to my point about setting Christmas "frivolousness"  so far up on a pedestal that its a huge fall down when celebrating seems impossible for whatever reason at some point in your life, just enjoy the closeness of family , the reverence of the simple message and don't get to wrapped up in what doesn't or shouldn't belong.I was actually surprised to see how spiritual / religious  North America or maybe just this small town appeared to be, maybe they were in the middle of some bible belt , some unsuspecting sweet little place where evil normally doesn't enter, apparently evil knows no bounds ...but neither does light ...i'm glad were still looking for Good and God amongst the darkness and holding out hope for a time and place that are beyond this earthly realm as we know it now , a place where these children will walk and play and run and giggle without a care , for now their parents are left attempting to convince the siblings left behind that there's no such thing as monsters. There are monsters little ones , we can call them murderers , guns , mental illness, cancer , terrorism , whatever and we can fight against it (and we should ) remembering that it unfortunately in this world just takes on a different form , because it is evil and that's what evil does... it slaps us upside our finite minds and catches us unprepared and leaves us  craving for something, we need to be careful because evil wants us to crave more evil , light and goodness wants us to remember we have faith and hope in a something bigger and  better... we just can't see his face and can't personally have him  answer our questions  right this minute , it is a fallen world for now, the result of free will ,but a time will come when we are all reunited , no more tears , no more pain , sorrow or suffering , it is written.
Never really sure whether i'm looking forward to a new year or not , we think "this year's gotta be better than the last" but who know's, it's only a date that changes so i guess it's what you make it and besides a continuing journey in this weird road it was good mixed with bad, guess that's what they call life , who gets to live without bad ??? no one escapes i guess , some people's "bad " just has a different definition sometimes ( can be frustrating ). We lost Darcy's dad a few weeks ago so yeah some bad mixed in with the good of  Ashley's book "The Golden Butterfly " reaching  special places and people...speaking of which, the  book is now available at The House of James in Abbotsford, exciting. When i was in grade 2 we had to write this little book called "Fortunately , Unfortunately " each page would outline a "fortunately "statement negated on the next page by an "unfortunately " statement , it actually got quite annoying and minotinous ...life though, right? So here goes ...Fortunately we have 2 L drivers, so soon i won't be a taxi ..unfortunately new drivers can get the gas mixed up with the brake resulting in an uprooted tree and serious front end damage...fortunately everyone was ok . Unfortunately serious cuts to Social Service programs...Fortunately i still have "at least" a p/t job, able to pay the 2 ICBC deductibles ...yes i said 2 , i had a little incident with the courtesy car , cracked the bumper , forgot i wasn't driving my truck....lol.
Guess this is a version of staying positive, having hope , faith and knowing "this to shall pass" ....a gift of time i guess. May this gift of time be a blessing to you this year.

Lori

Peace ,
Lori

Finally here it is ...waiting to be revealed on Ashley's 20th Birthday

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Okay, i've been holding onto this for just over  3 years and i can't think of a more appropriate time to tell the world, considering the day , Ashley's 20th Birthday and that i now have it in my hot little hands waiting to share it with you.
Anyways as most of you may know that Ashley began her spiritual journey sometime around the age of 11 or 12 , attending Cascade Youth Group , I won't say it was outta my comfort zone, it was just out of my norm , not having grown up with much religion or spirituality, but  i met the Youth Group leader at the time and i realized that Ashley had an instant connection to he , his family (Fransons) and the church , her faith blosssomed almost immediately and while she still remained a spunky stubborn tween she was committed and well on her way to being the leader she was created to be. Soon we all were attending and despite my husband's strict church upbringing we all regarded Cascade as a  place where Ashley grew up.
Most of you know the story to where we find ourselves today, Ashleys's 20th birthday and she not here in a physical sense , however that does not mean she hasn't left a piece of her here.
Shortly after Ashley's passing i was on the computer late one night , i mean really late like 2:00 am and i was opening up documents that needed to cleared of our incredibly slow (at the time ) computer ...i popped open a document and before me lie this gift , i swear it fell from above, it was a computer written document written by Ashley in early September 2008, i will always recall September because it was a  turning point in her illness , we were stoked that she was the second kid in North America to be getting  high tech genius experimental procedure that was going to be our "miracle" she was also very very sick from the treatment , so somewhere between getting the treatment and feeling the effects she wrote this story, she named the story "The Golden Butterfly " how absolutely fitting and when you read it you will know  why. I am not going to reveal the contents of the story on this cold machine because it has to be held , seen , savoured and i suspect it will mean very different things to different people , however, there is no mistaking her journey in this story, her faith , her hope , her message  and journey. I didn't know what to do with this story , hang onto it, treasure it away with her other things , tell everyone ..i waited until it nagged at me almost daily to do "something " i took it to my pastor(Ross) and he (and PR person, Deb) ) thought we should explore our options , we couldn't just leave it , after sending it off to a couple authors , publishers who had great things to say about it we decided (and my sister convinced me )that conventional publishing may adulterate the book and potentially i could lose control over content , i wanted it written true to form , with the changes only being gramatical. Several meetings , discussions with printers and designers as well as artwork compilations and communication between me and  my Bowen Island artist sister it was at last  ready for final print and guess when the pick up day was ...today ..now there's our miracle.
As difficult and as painful as this journey has been,it is nothing compared to what she had to endure and cope with , i am not saying she never asked why  and to this day i still don't really know "why' it is not an answer i will receive here...what i do know and have received from this story is that we are all here for a reason , no matter the length of our life, and once in awhile a Golden Butterfly may come into our life teach us a little something about faith ,prayer, being good  and the blessings in our life. I am so grateful to those that have supported , guided, kept the secret , contributed and been the tangible sources that have helped us believe In God his gifts and for that we have grown , continued healing and are now ready to present our "Golden Butterfly:" We will be having an official book launch at our church in July (TBA) we invite you to come share in our joy and gratitude. ..stay tuned... Much Love, Thanks and Peace.
p.s. a donation from the proceeds of each book will be made to one of Ashley's favourite chairites

There is a season....

Well today feels like the end of an era ...looking back, sorry to sound so cliche , but i can't believe how fast time speeds by, maybe it's the after 40 thing when life spins by so fast, you blink and another year has gone by. I often watch people who move slowly, every morning i see these  2 children( brother and sister) maybe like 7 and 9 years old, who walk by our house to school, by the time i have driven my older 2 to school and back, these kids have probably moved about half a block , i see them bending down  to study some crawling insect on the ground or pointing up to the sky as if seeing an elaborate masterpiece in the clouds , i look , i never see it , i wish i could. The crossing guard at Brittanny's school, he makes me stop and ponder my not really important as i make it "things to do list" as  i attempt to make a left hand turn but sit awaiting him to complete his conversation with a grade 2'er about his frog for "show and tell" in the middle of the intersection, if it weren't so comical it would be hair pulling frustrating , but it reminds me of how stupidly and quickly we run through life, clearly he is from another era, one where stopping and chatting with your neighbour took presidence over texting while driving and those kids probably from a different culture, one's you see in those parent's choice Robert Muncsh kinda books  that teach us to wonder and seek joy in everything , a lesson i thought i learned a few years ago but clearly need a reminder in the form of Nunavit children and 82 year old crossing guards every once in awhile Today marks the end of Britt's last day at elementary school, off to the big leagues of middle school in the fall, the jury's still out on whether i like this whole middle school thing, but like it or not,  off she goes, citizenship award in hand ( ok that was  a brag moment, sorry) Speaking of last days of school . i/we  now officially have a grad in our house , it has been an exciting time, we have now experienced what it feels like to sit in the audience among parents watching their child graduate, we got to sit with regular audience and not a separate, designated donor who only has the the lens of a " i wonder what that feels like " parent. we had the option of special seating this year to give out Ashley's scholarship but although we sat rows and rows away i was glad to be sitting there , watching her receive her diploma and  scholarship as tiny as she seemed and as far away as we were , it was where we needed to be, (well except for Darcy up front and centre snapping pics )
It has been a busy month and  while i'm at it let me just take this opportunity to thank our Ashley's Journey team for once again joining and supporting us on our Childrun earlier this month, have to say that although i don't believe time heals "all" wounds it does put some space between painful events. This is always an emotional month for us , season change , Ashley's birthday , butterflies, school endings and new beginnings often creates moments of flowing unexpected tears and recollection of time gone by. This year seems to be especially poignant or emotional ...Stefanny dealing with the suicide of an old friend has triggered conversations about mortality and youth, two words that should just not go together, meanwhile Christy is learning how teenage boyfriends are rarely an enduring relationship ( darcy was kind enough to spare her the "i told you so" despite his "all-knowingness...ugh"...think he forgot that some relationships do survive teenagehood, case in point. ...amazing what a hug and a "you're too good for him" will do though) needless to say , despite the terribly rainy day and indoor prom pictures , she looked beautiful and my , i mean her prom, was a memorable day , what a hoopla of shopping and prepping (and money ) that was. I would just like to say that once again we ( us , our children ) are blessed to have people that come alongside and lift them up , who take an interest , take them for coffee , advise , counsel and lend an ear , sometimes they just need to hear this from someone other than their parents who apparently "don't know nothing" ( yes i caught the double negative, but it was a direct quote , an indictment  of the Canadian Education system)
Anyways, a definite time of endings and beginnings and as i watched Britt and Lex pour themselves a bowl of cereal this morning before heading off on their last walk to elementary school i am reminded that there is a season for everything ... joy, sorrow, birthdays , angel days,middle school , college, yesterday, today , maybe tomorrow and slowing down  between it all... I and  my "to do " list isn't as important as i think it is. Enjoy the season.