June 29 1992 - February 16 2009

Welcome to the Journey of a Butterfly

Welcome to Ashleys Journey,

We invite you to follow along one family's journey through grief and loss, one brave young girl's journey through faith and inspiration, this is not a blog to convert anyone , nor is it a blog about fundraising , it is what i hope will reach another family on a similar journey, we are not experts , i could not give you a magic remedy for how one gets through disease and devestation but it is our story , sometimes gut wrenching other time heartwarming and all of the time, i guarantee, very real. We are not perfect, we struggle daily and i think that the more we connect to one another the more we understand what this journey through life is all about . Sometimes that path is bumpy and we fall down, sometimes we sit and stop a while,or take a step back and other times we pound our fists on the pavement like a lunatic , still other times we find ourselves picking eachother up dusting eachother off and walking alongside them even if only for short time. This blog is dedicated to Ashley , her sisters and every single angel that picked us up along this road.
This is an introduction to the beginning and middle part of our journey the specific blogs are more indepth , the end...well there will never be an end to this journey i've come to realize that , not on this earth, for now we just assimilate it into our life like a hole , a missing limb, a continous ache that you just learn to live with.
When Ashley was about 12 years old she asked if she could go to youth group at a local church , i didn't have any church upbringing but know i craved it throughout my life , this was a rare opportunity and i recognized that if i didn't embrace it now she may lose her interst in it very quickly and beocme a jaded, cynical, stubborn person like her mom. My husband grew up in a very religious (shove it down your throat) kinda religion( i wont mention any names)or maybe it was the way he was raised ? Anyways i encouraged her to go because the community we had moved to embraced this kinda thing so i thought why not? Naturally and shortly after she started attending she was soon encouraging us to go , she had made quite a leadership name for herself there , pionner leader , sunday school helper etc, i was comfortable for the first time in my life going to a church, maybe it was the first word that greeted you as you walked in..."belong" maybe it was because they embraced community and outreach service in our city , dont know, but soon found it very therapeutic, cheaper than a shrink, and our other 3 girls jumped on board pretty quickly, my husband well... a work in progress , he communes with God in a fishing boat he says , although makes many efforts to go even if just for good way to start the week, i was still cynical , felt i wasnt holy enough but went anyways.
Ashley was scheduled to sing a solo in the church choir Dec 16 2007 , i was scared for her, i was sure she got her singing skills from me which was nil at best. She sang beautifully and you couldnt tell she had been complaining of cramps , something i chalked up to girls stuff/growing pains for a couple weeks off and on, she was an active healthy girl. When the performnce was done we got our christmas tree and i took her to the clinic to have it checked out before Christmas , they sent us to our local hosptial for tests , i was worried it was appendix. Darcy, my husband left the hosptial to go pick up our other 3 girls from friends houses , i caught the doctor in the ahallways and asked if the ulstrasound pictures were back, i remember having eye contact with Ashley only feet away from me but far enough away for her not to hear the doctor to so impassionaltely say "its not appendix, it looks like cancer", i have to stop as i write this because it is still one of the 2 biggest shocks in my entire life, i think i ran down the hallways screaming with no sound coming from my throat and not knowing where i was running . I phoned Darcy and words didnt come out of my mouth. Before I knew it we were at out local Childrens Hospital(100km away) meeting oncologiosts , being give an "oncology team" which consisted of a primary nurse, a social worker, a main oncologist and a shrink....wait a minute ...what is an oncologist? yep, a cancer doctor, this was the real thing . we waited 4 days to find out what type we were dealing with ... it was curable 90 % even though she was stage 4 , how the hell can my kid have stage 4 cancer and only a few cramps , it was mind bending. We were thrown stright into a world so foriegn to us , everything stopped ..jobs ..PAC meetings ,carppoling and yes even some friends who"couldn't handle it" it was no longer our own beds , our own home, our own anything. Treatments and life became unbearable , the 90% cure rate was not looking good at any stage throughout our journey , it seemd to be always full of negative news to the point where i couldnt stand the face of her oncologist , it nearly made me want to vomit everytime i saw him...The words they briefed us on as we began this mind altering path was " one of you will grieve through this process and no matter the out come the other will grieve after " they couldn't have been more right.......Ashley insisted on going to church on Christmas eve, two nights before she was to start chemo at the end of the service our pastor came to pray with us , i didn't know many people in the church , but wow did they know Ashley, when we rose our heads from bowing in prayer the whole congregation was surrounding us , i knew at that moment who i was going to need to get me through this ...would he be willing to listen to me...

Thursday, June 28, 2012

There is a season....

Well today feels like the end of an era ...looking back, sorry to sound so cliche , but i can't believe how fast time speeds by, maybe it's the after 40 thing when life spins by so fast, you blink and another year has gone by. I often watch people who move slowly, every morning i see these  2 children( brother and sister) maybe like 7 and 9 years old, who walk by our house to school, by the time i have driven my older 2 to school and back, these kids have probably moved about half a block , i see them bending down  to study some crawling insect on the ground or pointing up to the sky as if seeing an elaborate masterpiece in the clouds , i look , i never see it , i wish i could. The crossing guard at Brittanny's school, he makes me stop and ponder my not really important as i make it "things to do list" as  i attempt to make a left hand turn but sit awaiting him to complete his conversation with a grade 2'er about his frog for "show and tell" in the middle of the intersection, if it weren't so comical it would be hair pulling frustrating , but it reminds me of how stupidly and quickly we run through life, clearly he is from another era, one where stopping and chatting with your neighbour took presidence over texting while driving and those kids probably from a different culture, one's you see in those parent's choice Robert Muncsh kinda books  that teach us to wonder and seek joy in everything , a lesson i thought i learned a few years ago but clearly need a reminder in the form of Nunavit children and 82 year old crossing guards every once in awhile Today marks the end of Britt's last day at elementary school, off to the big leagues of middle school in the fall, the jury's still out on whether i like this whole middle school thing, but like it or not,  off she goes, citizenship award in hand ( ok that was  a brag moment, sorry) Speaking of last days of school . i/we  now officially have a grad in our house , it has been an exciting time, we have now experienced what it feels like to sit in the audience among parents watching their child graduate, we got to sit with regular audience and not a separate, designated donor who only has the the lens of a " i wonder what that feels like " parent. we had the option of special seating this year to give out Ashley's scholarship but although we sat rows and rows away i was glad to be sitting there , watching her receive her diploma and  scholarship as tiny as she seemed and as far away as we were , it was where we needed to be, (well except for Darcy up front and centre snapping pics )
It has been a busy month and  while i'm at it let me just take this opportunity to thank our Ashley's Journey team for once again joining and supporting us on our Childrun earlier this month, have to say that although i don't believe time heals "all" wounds it does put some space between painful events. This is always an emotional month for us , season change , Ashley's birthday , butterflies, school endings and new beginnings often creates moments of flowing unexpected tears and recollection of time gone by. This year seems to be especially poignant or emotional ...Stefanny dealing with the suicide of an old friend has triggered conversations about mortality and youth, two words that should just not go together, meanwhile Christy is learning how teenage boyfriends are rarely an enduring relationship ( darcy was kind enough to spare her the "i told you so" despite his "all-knowingness...ugh"...think he forgot that some relationships do survive teenagehood, case in point. ...amazing what a hug and a "you're too good for him" will do though) needless to say , despite the terribly rainy day and indoor prom pictures , she looked beautiful and my , i mean her prom, was a memorable day , what a hoopla of shopping and prepping (and money ) that was. I would just like to say that once again we ( us , our children ) are blessed to have people that come alongside and lift them up , who take an interest , take them for coffee , advise , counsel and lend an ear , sometimes they just need to hear this from someone other than their parents who apparently "don't know nothing" ( yes i caught the double negative, but it was a direct quote , an indictment  of the Canadian Education system)
Anyways, a definite time of endings and beginnings and as i watched Britt and Lex pour themselves a bowl of cereal this morning before heading off on their last walk to elementary school i am reminded that there is a season for everything ... joy, sorrow, birthdays , angel days,middle school , college, yesterday, today , maybe tomorrow and slowing down  between it all... I and  my "to do " list isn't as important as i think it is. Enjoy the season.
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