Original written date dec 16 2012

Time and Faith and  Hope and a  Bunch of other Stuff


Time seems to be spinning at a new rate or what they say about getting older and time is really true because i can't seem to keep up , maybe i just don't want to because i don't really like the deception of time lately. Yes , i know that this time of year does a little number on my sanity , perhaps even more this year as we recently reached the 5 year mark of Ashley's diagnosis...5YEARS , what ??? As i sat around on Dec 16 feeling a bit sorry for myself i couldn't help but think of 20 new members inducted into the grieving parents club, allbeit very different circumstances...i watched the President and various clergy address the grief in Newtown and thought about the various ways evil in this world snatch our children away from us , they come in different forms i suppose . gun wielding disturbed individuals , poverty , illness, regardless they all take large numbers of children every year and it is unfortunately something i don't think is necessarily going to go away in our lifetime . I wonder how these families are going to get through this, especially this time of year which kinda brings me to my point about setting Christmas "frivolousness"  so far up on a pedestal that its a huge fall down when celebrating seems impossible for whatever reason at some point in your life, just enjoy the closeness of family , the reverence of the simple message and don't get to wrapped up in what doesn't or shouldn't belong.I was actually surprised to see how spiritual / religious  North America or maybe just this small town appeared to be, maybe they were in the middle of some bible belt , some unsuspecting sweet little place where evil normally doesn't enter, apparently evil knows no bounds ...but neither does light ...i'm glad were still looking for Good and God amongst the darkness and holding out hope for a time and place that are beyond this earthly realm as we know it now , a place where these children will walk and play and run and giggle without a care , for now their parents are left attempting to convince the siblings left behind that there's no such thing as monsters. There are monsters little ones , we can call them murderers , guns , mental illness, cancer , terrorism , whatever and we can fight against it (and we should ) remembering that it unfortunately in this world just takes on a different form , because it is evil and that's what evil does... it slaps us upside our finite minds and catches us unprepared and leaves us  craving for something, we need to be careful because evil wants us to crave more evil , light and goodness wants us to remember we have faith and hope in a something bigger and  better... we just can't see his face and can't personally have him  answer our questions  right this minute , it is a fallen world for now, the result of free will ,but a time will come when we are all reunited , no more tears , no more pain , sorrow or suffering , it is written.
Never really sure whether i'm looking forward to a new year or not , we think "this year's gotta be better than the last" but who know's, it's only a date that changes so i guess it's what you make it and besides a continuing journey in this weird road it was good mixed with bad, guess that's what they call life , who gets to live without bad ??? no one escapes i guess , some people's "bad " just has a different definition sometimes ( can be frustrating ). We lost Darcy's dad a few weeks ago so yeah some bad mixed in with the good of  Ashley's book "The Golden Butterfly " reaching  special places and people...speaking of which, the  book is now available at The House of James in Abbotsford, exciting. When i was in grade 2 we had to write this little book called "Fortunately , Unfortunately " each page would outline a "fortunately "statement negated on the next page by an "unfortunately " statement , it actually got quite annoying and minotinous ...life though, right? So here goes ...Fortunately we have 2 L drivers, so soon i won't be a taxi ..unfortunately new drivers can get the gas mixed up with the brake resulting in an uprooted tree and serious front end damage...fortunately everyone was ok . Unfortunately serious cuts to Social Service programs...Fortunately i still have "at least" a p/t job, able to pay the 2 ICBC deductibles ...yes i said 2 , i had a little incident with the courtesy car , cracked the bumper , forgot i wasn't driving my truck....lol.
Guess this is a version of staying positive, having hope , faith and knowing "this to shall pass" ....a gift of time i guess. May this gift of time be a blessing to you this year.

Lori

Peace ,
Lori

Finally here it is ...waiting to be revealed on Ashley's 20th Birthday

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Okay, i've been holding onto this for just over  3 years and i can't think of a more appropriate time to tell the world, considering the day , Ashley's 20th Birthday and that i now have it in my hot little hands waiting to share it with you.
Anyways as most of you may know that Ashley began her spiritual journey sometime around the age of 11 or 12 , attending Cascade Youth Group , I won't say it was outta my comfort zone, it was just out of my norm , not having grown up with much religion or spirituality, but  i met the Youth Group leader at the time and i realized that Ashley had an instant connection to he , his family (Fransons) and the church , her faith blosssomed almost immediately and while she still remained a spunky stubborn tween she was committed and well on her way to being the leader she was created to be. Soon we all were attending and despite my husband's strict church upbringing we all regarded Cascade as a  place where Ashley grew up.
Most of you know the story to where we find ourselves today, Ashleys's 20th birthday and she not here in a physical sense , however that does not mean she hasn't left a piece of her here.
Shortly after Ashley's passing i was on the computer late one night , i mean really late like 2:00 am and i was opening up documents that needed to cleared of our incredibly slow (at the time ) computer ...i popped open a document and before me lie this gift , i swear it fell from above, it was a computer written document written by Ashley in early September 2008, i will always recall September because it was a  turning point in her illness , we were stoked that she was the second kid in North America to be getting  high tech genius experimental procedure that was going to be our "miracle" she was also very very sick from the treatment , so somewhere between getting the treatment and feeling the effects she wrote this story, she named the story "The Golden Butterfly " how absolutely fitting and when you read it you will know  why. I am not going to reveal the contents of the story on this cold machine because it has to be held , seen , savoured and i suspect it will mean very different things to different people , however, there is no mistaking her journey in this story, her faith , her hope , her message  and journey. I didn't know what to do with this story , hang onto it, treasure it away with her other things , tell everyone ..i waited until it nagged at me almost daily to do "something " i took it to my pastor(Ross) and he (and PR person, Deb) ) thought we should explore our options , we couldn't just leave it , after sending it off to a couple authors , publishers who had great things to say about it we decided (and my sister convinced me )that conventional publishing may adulterate the book and potentially i could lose control over content , i wanted it written true to form , with the changes only being gramatical. Several meetings , discussions with printers and designers as well as artwork compilations and communication between me and  my Bowen Island artist sister it was at last  ready for final print and guess when the pick up day was ...today ..now there's our miracle.
As difficult and as painful as this journey has been,it is nothing compared to what she had to endure and cope with , i am not saying she never asked why  and to this day i still don't really know "why' it is not an answer i will receive here...what i do know and have received from this story is that we are all here for a reason , no matter the length of our life, and once in awhile a Golden Butterfly may come into our life teach us a little something about faith ,prayer, being good  and the blessings in our life. I am so grateful to those that have supported , guided, kept the secret , contributed and been the tangible sources that have helped us believe In God his gifts and for that we have grown , continued healing and are now ready to present our "Golden Butterfly:" We will be having an official book launch at our church in July (TBA) we invite you to come share in our joy and gratitude. ..stay tuned... Much Love, Thanks and Peace.
p.s. a donation from the proceeds of each book will be made to one of Ashley's favourite chairites

There is a season....

Well today feels like the end of an era ...looking back, sorry to sound so cliche , but i can't believe how fast time speeds by, maybe it's the after 40 thing when life spins by so fast, you blink and another year has gone by. I often watch people who move slowly, every morning i see these  2 children( brother and sister) maybe like 7 and 9 years old, who walk by our house to school, by the time i have driven my older 2 to school and back, these kids have probably moved about half a block , i see them bending down  to study some crawling insect on the ground or pointing up to the sky as if seeing an elaborate masterpiece in the clouds , i look , i never see it , i wish i could. The crossing guard at Brittanny's school, he makes me stop and ponder my not really important as i make it "things to do list" as  i attempt to make a left hand turn but sit awaiting him to complete his conversation with a grade 2'er about his frog for "show and tell" in the middle of the intersection, if it weren't so comical it would be hair pulling frustrating , but it reminds me of how stupidly and quickly we run through life, clearly he is from another era, one where stopping and chatting with your neighbour took presidence over texting while driving and those kids probably from a different culture, one's you see in those parent's choice Robert Muncsh kinda books  that teach us to wonder and seek joy in everything , a lesson i thought i learned a few years ago but clearly need a reminder in the form of Nunavit children and 82 year old crossing guards every once in awhile Today marks the end of Britt's last day at elementary school, off to the big leagues of middle school in the fall, the jury's still out on whether i like this whole middle school thing, but like it or not,  off she goes, citizenship award in hand ( ok that was  a brag moment, sorry) Speaking of last days of school . i/we  now officially have a grad in our house , it has been an exciting time, we have now experienced what it feels like to sit in the audience among parents watching their child graduate, we got to sit with regular audience and not a separate, designated donor who only has the the lens of a " i wonder what that feels like " parent. we had the option of special seating this year to give out Ashley's scholarship but although we sat rows and rows away i was glad to be sitting there , watching her receive her diploma and  scholarship as tiny as she seemed and as far away as we were , it was where we needed to be, (well except for Darcy up front and centre snapping pics )
It has been a busy month and  while i'm at it let me just take this opportunity to thank our Ashley's Journey team for once again joining and supporting us on our Childrun earlier this month, have to say that although i don't believe time heals "all" wounds it does put some space between painful events. This is always an emotional month for us , season change , Ashley's birthday , butterflies, school endings and new beginnings often creates moments of flowing unexpected tears and recollection of time gone by. This year seems to be especially poignant or emotional ...Stefanny dealing with the suicide of an old friend has triggered conversations about mortality and youth, two words that should just not go together, meanwhile Christy is learning how teenage boyfriends are rarely an enduring relationship ( darcy was kind enough to spare her the "i told you so" despite his "all-knowingness...ugh"...think he forgot that some relationships do survive teenagehood, case in point. ...amazing what a hug and a "you're too good for him" will do though) needless to say , despite the terribly rainy day and indoor prom pictures , she looked beautiful and my , i mean her prom, was a memorable day , what a hoopla of shopping and prepping (and money ) that was. I would just like to say that once again we ( us , our children ) are blessed to have people that come alongside and lift them up , who take an interest , take them for coffee , advise , counsel and lend an ear , sometimes they just need to hear this from someone other than their parents who apparently "don't know nothing" ( yes i caught the double negative, but it was a direct quote , an indictment  of the Canadian Education system)
Anyways, a definite time of endings and beginnings and as i watched Britt and Lex pour themselves a bowl of cereal this morning before heading off on their last walk to elementary school i am reminded that there is a season for everything ... joy, sorrow, birthdays , angel days,middle school , college, yesterday, today , maybe tomorrow and slowing down  between it all... I and  my "to do " list isn't as important as i think it is. Enjoy the season.

Home

Well, I am happy to report that Christy made it home from Europe safe and sound, not to say that sending her off was an easy task , there were times i wanted to just say "stay home , you have plenty of years to travel , maybe when i'm long gone " but it was an opportunity to venture off and try something new, one of those things you wish you had done when you were young but never did, so you live it vicariously through your children. Darcy required some convincing , he has such a tough time with stuff like that so when Christy texted him at work to tell him she was stuck in some random  elevator in Greece i think it donned on him that he can't do much from here and that he has to let her figure things out on her own, she and the 6 other girls figured it out pretty quickly ...ah cutting of the apron strings....not an easy task. No worn out credit card and a safe trip home despite the Air Canada walk out and she is back to normal. Got me thinking how incredibly technological our world has become, years ago , we may have received a quick phone call to say they arrived safely and maybe a postcard arriving a day or two before their return , but today we have a little thing called facetime , i swear i saw this on a Jetsons episode when i was a kid, a quick click of a button on her ipod and we are communicating with her face to face in real time on Darcy's iphone, we could actually lay eyes on her and be reassured she is doing ok , and hey i actually got to see Turkey and Greece etc with my own eyes , mind you it was from her balcony but whatever it will have to do for now, now if only they could invent this technology to work from Heaven , hhmmm how wonderful that would be ,could you just imagine. i have put this trip of hers into that context several times and it especially hit me at the airport...it felt like we hadn't hugged her or cuddled her in so long so of course we are the first parents at the airport anxcious for her to get home , i imagine the sceanario quite similar to when we see Ashley again , hearing that the time has arrived,she has landed ,waiting amongst others who also wait for the return of their loved ones ,,,swooping in from above ,standing at the gate with so much anticipation, waiting and   watching the streamline of people one by one walking down the long corridor wondering when their turn will be , smiling, rejoicing for those who are before you , i pray its done in alphabetical order , by first name , cause family(last) names finally wont make a lick of difference anymore. At last your turn has arrived , that moment you see their face and can touch them again , the tears are gone , the worries are gone , the baggage doesn't need to be claimed it stays on that revolving belt never to be seen again , it is finished , done, we can go home.
Sometimes our children will beg to go somewhere, some far off land. some new adventure, some time and space were not to sure of , we know it might be best for them but for us were not so sure, but we let them go, trust, and know that they will all be home someday and what a day that was/will be.

3 years

Remembering our beautiful brave girl today, Ashley Ann- Marie Lowey June 29 1992 -Feb 16 2009 Til we meet again.
He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” rev 21:4

Four Years

Dec 16 2007

Me: "Dr. have the ulatrasound results come back yet?
Emerg Dr: (pause) "Is  your husband with you?"
Me: "no, he should be here soon , he's picking up the kids,why"
Dr: "the test result are in and it doesn't look like appendix"
Me: "Oh good then what could it be"
Dr: "I'm sorry ma'am but it looks like cancer"
Me ...inaudibility.

Today is Dec 16 2011, 4 years since those words entered my ears yet could  not find the signal to my brain. somehow it just registered as static, static that blurred my vision and numbed my body one inch at a time until i was paralyzed and running frantically at the same time and somehow it can still do that to me if i let my mind wander too far.
Tomorrow i will send an email to her oncologist, like i am acknowledging some sort of weird warped anniversary of the "day we met" He will email me back and ask me about the girls and what they are up to, he will ask me to give my best to Darcy( cause i know he liked him better than me ... go figure?...lol) and i will ask him about his kids  and his Christmas plans and maybe he will go home that night and he'll either be pleased i still keep in touch despite everything or he'll be reminded of what a crappy job he has sometimes, and unfortunatley he will probably awake the next day and receive another email from a crazy bereaved mom he used to have to "handle' and remember another anniversary of the "day they met"

Thinking of all my bereaved oncology parents. particularly this time of year as we face this with a different reality than most . if the other days of the year are difficult , Christmas and Birthdays are almost unbearable in many ways, sometimes almost wishing that we could just fall asleep until everyone was finished with the merriment , wake up again in the spring. We don't want to write Christmas cards but we don't want our child to be left off of the ones we receive , we want to attend the Christmas concerts but can't help but tear up at concerts past, we want to hang decorations , but can't bear to unwrap those homemade decorations from Kindergarten , we don't want to be downers but probably need uppers just to paint a smile on. It is a marginalizing time of year for bereaved parents , i am grateful to have a home , family and food to eat but i think sometimes this must feel what its like to be those set apart as "needy"or one of the "have nots " just in a different way.

So this is what i imagine for my kindered friends , our kids are   singing and dancing and playing their instruments , having a party , older ones taking care of the younger ones , they are seated and honoured at a very special table having a feast and giggling and waiting for the day we are seated all together again.

To everyone else may you enjoy this time of year , not for the presents ,or all those unneccesary tasks you think you have to do ( you don't) or the hustle and  bustle but for the challenge you can make yourself by celebrating, living and spending as comfortably and as simply and as peacefully as you can.

May God's comfort , peace, love and joy surround you always and prepare you for what life brings you.

Peace be with you,
Lori

Can't Seem To Come Up With A Title

as looking at the date of my last blog and realized i hadn't written in a while ..hence the mood i've been in lately i guess , always looking for external circumstances and usually look up to the night sky and blame it on the full moon, but i don't think there has been one lately so  i can only chalk it up to this time of year. If i were more of a Black Friday shopper i could wrangle all this impending season has to offer and head out for some retail therapy , but i'm not and somehow goes against my new found peace in minimalist thinking , but oh how i miss the little fix i get from purging through plastic.
That being said going to the gym , keeping busy, planning ,organizing,working really does nothing to ease this time time of year or somehow invade my preoccupation of re-living circumstances which took over our lives 4 years ago ...four years...blows me away , i think of the naivety we were living in these few short weeks prior to Dec 16 and long for oblivion we once lived in. I miss the days of my head buried in the sand where "bad things didn't happen to good people" and my faith went untested, which brings me to my point ... a few days ago  a friend had told me that a friend of hers was reading my blog, i always get this wierd feeling when strangers read my blog , kinda like someone going through your garbage, my only hope is that they find something they can use amongst the dirt and mess. Anyways this person , maybe a non-believer , i don;'t know, said to friend " what does she say now about the last line in her opening blog (the preface")my friend politely said well she wrote it after Ashley passed away so i guess she still has faith. I actually had to go back to the opening blog to see what they were talking about ...the last line says something like " i knew at that moment who  and what we needed , would he be willing to listen" Folks i have to make this as clear as possible because if you are struggling with how this can be possible let me tell you it was  an all and out battle for me to get to this point . As you may have read i did not always grow up with faith and to tell you the truth i fought to hang on to whatever faith was during this whole ordeal, often trying anything and everything to find understanding in all this, i looked at healers,  meditation , chinese herbalists, a buddhist monk , lights and crystals etc even mistankingly assuming Dr's were gods , THEY ARE NOT! , and should not have this burden placed upon them , as much as Ashley's Dr and i battled it out at times , never should i have placed the inordinate task or miracle worker on him. It is only through understanding that God answers all prayers but that sometimes the answer is "no " did i actually come to peace and realize that somehow some way this will all work out in the end if my faith stays faithful..it was only by grace i was allowed to have this feeliing ...that's all i can call it ...a feeling , a new feeling , one that replaced complete and utter despair and hopelessness. Faith is defined as "being sure of what we hoped for and certain of what we do not see" i am sure there are caveats in there ...we cannot assume our faith will assure us of winning the lottery or having our "wishes "  granted...God is not our personal genie  it is a belief that what we hoped for, will be, even if we cannot see it , however it has to somehow align with HIs will or purpose . So  faith can go from asking God to cure my daughter , being assured he will, but being ok with it in whatever form that takes. Is she cured , free of pain , at peace .. i know it, i can't see it it , but i know it,it just didn't happen here on earth. There are so many unanswered questions and maybe it will stay like that  no matter how much i search and build faith and i suppose i have to be content with that for now and like i've said before when push comes to shove and your faith is tested you better know where the hell you are going or what and who you're going to drop to your knees to and ask for strength, comfort peace ...and if you don't it wll hit you like a tonne of bricks ...do i think God or Jesus did this to test my faith , absolutely not , i believe in a more compassionate God than that, but do i believe there is evil in this world in the form of many things (cancer included) that put you to the test ...yes.... undoubtedly... then you take that faith mix it with compassion and pass it on to the next person who needs it. There is unfairness all around , close to home , far away .it's the corrupt world we live in FOR NOW ,it is not fair that  a man who  worked hard his whole life has recently passed and left his wife and son to bear his loss ,it is not fair that the young lady living with us was handed the cards she was dealt and never really experienced a loving family already dealing with lonliness at such a young age, or that a young boy from the high school was so depressed his only answer was seemingly suicide...tragic. That  whole in your life... that empty feeling... can be filled, i guess we need to be careful of what we fill it with.
I must say that it is kind of an exciting year in our house, Christy is graduating this year and i  am enjoying it , we missed out on all that when Ashley was sick .  i so wanted to see her graduate and felt so ripped off when i was on the wrong side of the stage at her graduation(handing out her memorial scholarship) faith in knowing she is beyond earthly treasures but oh how i am soaking it up right now ..was exciting watching her get her grad photos , yes i went with her, photographer probs thought i was an idiot , but i held back the tears and was just so happy for this normal teenage moment ,Christy has crossed the threshold of Ashleys age when she passed so everything is so new  ( attitudes included ) but i am loving it , she has her final payment for her trip to Greece so now its  grad dress and luggage shopping ...plastic purging via christy ..yay!
Stefanny and Christy are working alongside each other in the fast food biz ...i won't even go into the details of how that plays out in this family , lets just say Christy has taken the role of older sister to a new level ..ugh! Somehow i believe it goes a little something like this ...Christy sweetly smiling and taking customer's order ...relaying it back to Stefanny and telling her to "get a move on"
Britt , my little Britt, who keeps us all grounded and giggling...received her art work in this years kids cancer calendar.. she is so proud...happy to have her BFF home from 9 days of holidays , loved their reunion big hugs , wrestling on the floor like 2 puppies and right back into the world of imagination ....love it, except that i can see them advancing to the next level , BOYS..ugh , still kind at that love hate thing but with this impending grade 5 dance i can hear all the snickers and giggling and " i need a new dress but i'd rather wear jeans " ...."oh girls stay young for just a little longer" , as far as i recall boys are yucky , pesty and nasty at that age ...but what do i know.