journey understood...thanks jen for your tributre to ashley
Tuesday, February 17, 2009 at 10:48am | Edit Note | Delete
Feb 16th 2009
What’s funny is that I am starting to type this blog at 11:11 my favorite time. For those of you who don’t know why it is my favorite, well, it is because legend says that someone who sees 11:11 has the angels watching over them.
Tonight my little angel will be Ashley Lowey. She is the newest member and most beautiful angel born into heaven today
Ashley who was 16 bravely fought her battle with ‘the beast’ for 14 months and she did so with a feisty, strong and unwavering strength. She was mainly an internal and quiet girl, a lot like Logan is and even yesterday when docs told her that treatment was no longer possible she didn’t panic but instead quietly absorbed the information and chose to close her eyes and rest instead.
Her mom, Lori is an incredibly remarkable and inspiring women. She is also the one who joked about pimping out her husband in one of my last blogs (sorry Darcy) which also makes her funny.
Lori is quick witted, will always be the first one who says it how it is and the one who I think gave Ash, her thick skin. Lori has been such an advocate, and has just played her role as an oncology mom perfectly, and I am so glad she got to be in Ashley’s corner through out this.. And for me, well I am just lucky to call her a friend.
Last night, a mere few hours before Ashley died, Lori called me and as we often do when we get together in person or on the phone we chatted for some time. However, last night our conversation was a bit more focused on the “what if’s” of deaths shadow lurking around.
We talked about previous families who have had to deal with such a painful struggle, we talked of the numerous moments in both our journeys where we too have worried if and when that moment comes how we will be able to cope.
We talked about healing vs.curing and how easily it to get them confused. And we even batted around a few “I can’t believe those….F’ing people”
But mostly we talked about honor. What an honor it is to be able to be the one that has been chosen to be with another person’s soul in a time of such need. I believe so deeply that it is the most incredible honor to be with someone when they are born, but it is a deeper and more incredible honor to be the one who is with them when they pass.
Lori completed understood and was unbelievably peaceful and calm.
About 8 hours before Ashley died, Lori was giving her a back rub to help make her comfortable and ease her pain. I know this because Lori had to call me back after her massage session with Ash.
I have thought about that all day. A mere hours before the transformation of a soul was about to occur a mother was preparing her child with the comfort of her touch, making her relax, holding her close and being completely present with her. How beautiful
How perfectly Motherly.
So, with that said, my blog tonight, although I could say a lot about Logan. Isn’t about Logan. It is about Ashley. It is in her honor, and it is in the honor of the whole beautiful Lowey family how amazingly they cared for their daughter and how they bonded together and grew closer and loved deeper and “got it” on so many levels.
It is about the healing that happened every day around them that helped carry some of the burden of this long struggle. It is about a remarkable child, a strong one, with beautiful friends and family, with a strong will to live and keep fighting. It is about those out there who lended a helping hand and brought meals or visited at the hospital or lent and ear or cried a few tears with them. It is about the community that banded together and gave Darcy, Lori and the girls the opportunity and to be with Ashley when she needed them most. No, this blog is not about sadness or pain. There has been too much of that already. It is about acknowledgment.
Acknowledging a life that has transformed. Acknowledging that today, while you wee going about your daily routine someone lost their daughter. Someones moment will forever stand still and their live will be forever changed. It is about acknowledging how precious life is and how quickly one moment can shape the rest of your life.
I ask you all to send every ounce of your love and compassion, and thoughts, and prayers, and condolences, to the Loweys. These are painful days ahead and they will need all of us hold them up.
To Ashley, I know you are running freely and you are finally without pain….smiling down ….I know that because tonight just as I was thinking of you and your family and sat down to write this it happened to be the time angels look down
11:11
and tonight I just I knew it was you.
Thanks Ash, god bless and may your beautiful soul and legacy radiate in everything meaningful that you loved and in the lives you have touched around you;
Rest in Peace. Beautiful girl.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Goodbye
goodbye
Wednesday, March 11, 2009 at 8:56am | Edit Note | Delete
I remember when i received ashley's birth certificate in the mail weeks after she was born, i studied every letter of it to make sure all was correct but mostly because i loved to see her new name, her identity , her entrance into this world in print, it made me proud that i was partly responsible for this beautiful piece of paper , it put me into a proud new club.
Today, her dad and i had to pick up a piece of paper that looked eerily similar to that birth certificate but couldn't have been so terribly opposite. I again studied every letter , every word , and again i cried , but this time because it was the the departure form this world in print, but i was still proud , i was just in a new club.
I have sat down at his computer several times to write about our final step in this never ending journey but never knew where to start.
Maybe, i will start from this moment and work backwards...this moment right now is ok , i think? and thats how we measure ..moment by moment, i am doing what nurtures me ...writing... darcy is at the gym working out ( he left too early this morning for me to go with) Brittanny sits near me building blocks and each of the other girls are at sleepovers...always a teenage cure all! So for this moment i think we are coping. Ask us in 5 minutes and it could all change,a song may come on the radio that we will find sad significance to ...it happened the other day at the store and we had to leave.".forget groceries for another day , wait til we're a bit stronger, we don't really need anything anyways".
Maybe Ashleys pj's show up in the laundry and we wonder what to do with them...or we drive by her school to see her name in lights bidding her goodbye. You just never know when the rush of reality will show up.
On the other hand i have to admit i have been filled with such a sense of peace at times that it almost frightens me that its a mask of denial. I know its not denial though because i was there, i lied next to her and said goodbye, it was too late she was gone but she said goodbye to me though in a dream moments before when i lied down for the first time all night and prayed to God to take her pain away , the hardest prayer i've ever prayed, my prayers were answered and i cried selfish prayers of wanting her back and selfless tears that she was free of all of it now... finally. When the dr. awoke me i swore i was still in the dream and the distinction between dream and reality could not be made , it was only moments ago i lie in the bed next to her. My first instinct was to put "Sophy" her dog close to her for a goodbye.(The one night we asked for sophy to spend the night..weird) We all spent sacred moments with ashley saying goodbye, it was a privlege to be in her presence as she came into this world but equally just as much when she left. I am a good mom , i say that not boastfully but thankfully, thankful because i got to mother my baby again, i got to lie with her and read to her, i got to help bathe her , and massage her and tell her that im right there for her...how many moms get to do that for their 16 year old daughter....its perspective sometimes, another lesson on the journey
Jumping back and forth, i can't begin to tell you what the proccess is like to plan a service for your 16 year old daughter in 5 days , but what i can tell you is that there is no way you can't do it alone...you have to have amazing sisters (creative geniouses and taskmasters) "get dirty" kinda friends...friends with tears in their eyes and casseroles in their hands...spiritual leaders to hold your hand through the details...oh and probably a clear decision on burial or cremation between you and hubby.I wish that week i had to go shopping for a dress for the dance for Ashley, but it was an outfit for her final dance on this earth, i didn't think there was anything good enough for that occassion for my little girl , but we found it at winners, weird, that there isn't a section in the store for that kinda thing
The planning kept us busy because we needed everything to be perfect and symbolic and i think that goal was achieved , it was beautiful wasnt't it? She looked beautiful , for those of you not at he private service it was exteremely sacred and peaceful and quiet , the girls all spoke from there heart as did her friend Baillie and her dad and i . and it was a chance to look at her beautiful face again, she looked the best i'd seen her in weeks i just wanted to wake her up , she looked well enough to go riding her bike or taking her dog for a walk, and i was sure she probably was.
The truth is folks is that i lost my girl in bits and pieces so many months ago, l lost a bit of her when she was diagnosed , when she lost her hair , when she was losing weight,when they imposed her very first scar and then when that wasn't big enough a 16 inch one 5 months later, i lost even more when she spent special days in the hospital instead of being a teenager..when she no longer had the energy to walk her dog or go to school. This journey was never full of much light as far as beating the disease , i think we knew kinda right from the beginning that we were on a bumpy road, although i never wrote too much about the bad stuff it was nearly always filled with dismal news , usually came as a blindside and when it no longer was a blindside i knew that there was such thing as hell on earth because hope was fading, even in light of the assumed good cure rate.
So if my hope was fading in what this world could offer ..what do i do? Change what i have to have hope in? Needless to say that along this journey our spiritual life has changed and if you attended her service you probably might think "the loweys" religious? huh? i didn't know? truth is it was a process i don't even know if you can call it religious, i don't know tons about the bible. Call it spiritual..maybe... but ask me if i believe in God ..Yes! unashamed! i believe myself to be Christian..i know the fancy terms now is to believe in a higher power , or light , or the universe, and that is just fine...but when you are on the ground writhing around in emotional pain , crying out because the dr has told you your daughter is going to die, it is GOD I cried out to, its primitive , it is GOd i pray to send me a miracle, it is God i confess to and it was God i begged to end my baby's pain and it was God that answered that prayer..am i mad that he didnt answer the first prayer? well i'm a mom... a human mom... so the human mom part of me wanted her here but not at the expense of her pain and suffering.
What have i learned on this spiritual journey? well that is still a work in progress and i don't think i'll ever be a timid quiet church girl , i have too much to say... usually in my own way, however i'm working on presentation... a little bit (not too much)... but it doesn't matter who you are what you look like , you're all good enough to know what i know , that this world is temporary , transient , this is a place to practice being good to one another to teach yourselves and especially your children to believe in something bigger than yourself ( I call it God) My daughter took us to church something i didn't have growing up , i almost dismissed her desires and i am so glad i didnt she was our catalyst and if i do nothing else in my life i am proud that i listened to her that i followed her,not so she could go to youth group every friday night instead of partying on the streets , not because it gave her a sense of leadership when she was a Sunday school helper not becaUSe she was a singer with the church christmas choir and not even because her sisters are taking over those positons for her, it is all these things, but it is because she beieved in something before she left this world , maybe she knew she was going to a better place..was she scared? im damned sure she was... , of pain and leaving us maybe! ..but not of who she was going to meet...she knew because she had something to believe in...maybe somewhere in her she knew she would need faith and so would her parents one day so she lead us there, i'm so grateful to her,. This is not to convert anyone , i don';t care how you do it just give your children something to believe in before they get too old or to set in your ways to not adopt that innocent belief that bold decison. This can be done in many ways sometimes it just helps to have helpers, youth group leaders ,pastors, peers, examples etc. , ashley loved it , sometimes i think she rolled her eyes at us thinking to herself"boy do i have my work cut out for me" We learned much about spiritaulity through the people that travelled this same journey , people that are spiritual teachers that don't even know it...they are servants because they didn't ask any questions ..they just - did! they were just present? they offered their understanding their tears their shoulder their common path ...these people drew themselves close to us at the end like they were called to us , they knew... some of them were the last people i spoke to in the days prior.So that is another spirtual lesson learned...pay close attention to the people in your life the ones that are there always and the ones that are there for blips of time they are like messengers , God sends you angels when you ask for them and they are not always toting bibles or playing the harp they are real people...you...me ..whomever..they are gifts.
Where do we go from here...it has been four days since i started this note , so yes we've had some bad days in there, a few laughs and alot of remembering, living room camp outs etc.. we will continue to remember Ashley in some very special ways...Her school is starting a scholarship in her name so we will have some input on that, although we decided on cremation she will have a marker at Musselwhite , we pass by musselwhite on our way to church, she is on the hilltop she can symbolically wave as we drive by on the sundays that i get my butt outta bed. we will name a star after her, and my project his year is to plant a butterfly garden for her and release butterflies on her birthday..as you may have guessed butterflies were the symbol of her life. We finished finally picking out an urn, i know this sounds morbid but its another decision that we have stewed about, but requires a perfect choice. Soon you will see us all wearing special necklaces , know that we are carrying Ashley with us.
Thank you to everyone during this time i wish i could list everything and everybody, there was such an outpouring of love and support , i will never say this journey was a gift , but i will say there has been gifts along the way, the service was one of them , the work and guidance and participation that went into it from my family, friends, hendersons and cascade pastors and office workers and volunteers was extraoridinary, as well as the speakers they all brought ashley to life... we took great delight in the recieving line (Iknow many people are wondering how/why we did this) we heard so may great things about Ashley and we continue to hear how she is touching peoples lives , we are grateful for this..her recent oncologist out here said he didn't even know what she really looked like(prior to cancer) until the day of the service ..he was blown away by who she was. She had a beautiful life and if you have been touched by her life or her death we would love to hear form you. We continue to work through this and pray for you to stay close to us. We have been witness to the beauty of the human condition. Our life is weird right now , not sure what were supposed to be doing, no more appointments, scans,radiololoists, oncoligst, pain doctors etc etc. Darcy is gradually back at work,kids are camp leaders at VBS this spring break and we may try to sneak off for a little trip , still carrying on ashleys tradition of tormenting her sisters into bekieving were going to Nunavit for a vacation...her spirit lives on.
love and peace
lori
Written over a year ago · Comment · Like
Janice Olson Oh Lori - As always, this blog is so full, so expressive, so complete. It made me cry, it made me smile, it made me contemplate. It also made me print it out - I need to share this with my children. I need them to hear your message which is, really, Ashley's message. They have followed this journey through conversations with me. They have also... See More
March 11, 2009 at 9:36am ·
Leigh-ann Froats beautifully written lori. thanks for sharing all that. i miss her, and i miss all of you too.
peace be with you
March 11, 2009 at 12:01pm ·
Tracey Kasper Im lost for words.Thank you for opening up your heart and soul. You truley amaze me with your words.
All our love to you and your family,today tomorrow and forever!
Orlando,Tracey, Brandon,Baillie,Gage and Quinton
March 11, 2009 at 12:33pm ·
Shannon Thomson Lori, thank you. Your honesty is astounding and as always so well articulated. It is a privilege to be able to read these stories and to have insight into your journey. I genuinely believe that the impact of Ashley's life is so much greater than you could ever know, the people known and unknown to her and your family who have been touched and ... See More
March 11, 2009 at 3:43pm ·
Darcy Lowey I've completely crumbled , and a lot of the time don't know how to carry on little own stop crying since that shitty nightmare morning. But I do know that with out you , and the person you are , I'd have not made this far. I miss her so much this you know , and I love you more every day. The truth is though, I'll have to read this again later when I can do so with out balling my eyes out and loosing my place on every line , you are the strongest women I,ve ever known , and my best friend
March 11, 2009 at 7:56pm ·
Julianne Newell-Wease I thank you all so much for what you have taught me about me about family bonds and I know that you all will be there to support the need that arrives so silent and challenges our faith and our beliefs but I know that God Our Father lifts us up and promises me everlasting lasting life through His Son, Jesus Christ my savior.
You are anispiration ... See More
March 11, 2009 at 11:33pm ·
Jennifer Montgomery 4 years into this.... and I have learned how not to cry. Not very often do I really bellyache, bawl...the kind with sadness, and joy and pride all at the same moment. Not very often to I lose my breath anymore to the stuffed up nose and heart throbbing pain. I guess..it is mainly because not very often do I ever hear anything, read anything, believe anything...that is quite as real, and as honest as these words that you write to us
From the first moment I met you Lori in the clinic, I just loved you.and when I heard you speak your clear unpracticed words...I knew I loved you more.
You are more than a great mom, you are an exceptional mom. Ashley knew that before she even came here. I am both honored and priviledged to know you all, but mostly I am so filled with pride to have witnessed these moments you speak of and to know in my heart these moments you have shared.
I think about you every hour, every moment, every second.
with so much Love
Jen
March 12, 2009 at 12:16am ·
Claudette Hansen Lori, thank-you for again sharing your deepest feelings and thoughts. You are truly inspiring, the way you can write, relay the journey. Also how you've been able to take this gift and make it a therapeutic resourse blows me away. Your strength & courage, I can learn alot from you. Your in my thoughts everyday, love you,Claudette
March 12, 2009 at 9:31am ·
Shakira Hansen I dont even know what to say, words cannot express the way I feel, for you all and ashley. She was a Wonderful person who accomplished so much in her life, and I look up to her for that, and so i now continue on with life with her in my memory and on my mind all the time. She meant so much more to me and so many others than i could have ever ... See More
March 13, 2009 at 10:52pm ·
Wednesday, March 11, 2009 at 8:56am | Edit Note | Delete
I remember when i received ashley's birth certificate in the mail weeks after she was born, i studied every letter of it to make sure all was correct but mostly because i loved to see her new name, her identity , her entrance into this world in print, it made me proud that i was partly responsible for this beautiful piece of paper , it put me into a proud new club.
Today, her dad and i had to pick up a piece of paper that looked eerily similar to that birth certificate but couldn't have been so terribly opposite. I again studied every letter , every word , and again i cried , but this time because it was the the departure form this world in print, but i was still proud , i was just in a new club.
I have sat down at his computer several times to write about our final step in this never ending journey but never knew where to start.
Maybe, i will start from this moment and work backwards...this moment right now is ok , i think? and thats how we measure ..moment by moment, i am doing what nurtures me ...writing... darcy is at the gym working out ( he left too early this morning for me to go with) Brittanny sits near me building blocks and each of the other girls are at sleepovers...always a teenage cure all! So for this moment i think we are coping. Ask us in 5 minutes and it could all change,a song may come on the radio that we will find sad significance to ...it happened the other day at the store and we had to leave.".forget groceries for another day , wait til we're a bit stronger, we don't really need anything anyways".
Maybe Ashleys pj's show up in the laundry and we wonder what to do with them...or we drive by her school to see her name in lights bidding her goodbye. You just never know when the rush of reality will show up.
On the other hand i have to admit i have been filled with such a sense of peace at times that it almost frightens me that its a mask of denial. I know its not denial though because i was there, i lied next to her and said goodbye, it was too late she was gone but she said goodbye to me though in a dream moments before when i lied down for the first time all night and prayed to God to take her pain away , the hardest prayer i've ever prayed, my prayers were answered and i cried selfish prayers of wanting her back and selfless tears that she was free of all of it now... finally. When the dr. awoke me i swore i was still in the dream and the distinction between dream and reality could not be made , it was only moments ago i lie in the bed next to her. My first instinct was to put "Sophy" her dog close to her for a goodbye.(The one night we asked for sophy to spend the night..weird) We all spent sacred moments with ashley saying goodbye, it was a privlege to be in her presence as she came into this world but equally just as much when she left. I am a good mom , i say that not boastfully but thankfully, thankful because i got to mother my baby again, i got to lie with her and read to her, i got to help bathe her , and massage her and tell her that im right there for her...how many moms get to do that for their 16 year old daughter....its perspective sometimes, another lesson on the journey
Jumping back and forth, i can't begin to tell you what the proccess is like to plan a service for your 16 year old daughter in 5 days , but what i can tell you is that there is no way you can't do it alone...you have to have amazing sisters (creative geniouses and taskmasters) "get dirty" kinda friends...friends with tears in their eyes and casseroles in their hands...spiritual leaders to hold your hand through the details...oh and probably a clear decision on burial or cremation between you and hubby.I wish that week i had to go shopping for a dress for the dance for Ashley, but it was an outfit for her final dance on this earth, i didn't think there was anything good enough for that occassion for my little girl , but we found it at winners, weird, that there isn't a section in the store for that kinda thing
The planning kept us busy because we needed everything to be perfect and symbolic and i think that goal was achieved , it was beautiful wasnt't it? She looked beautiful , for those of you not at he private service it was exteremely sacred and peaceful and quiet , the girls all spoke from there heart as did her friend Baillie and her dad and i . and it was a chance to look at her beautiful face again, she looked the best i'd seen her in weeks i just wanted to wake her up , she looked well enough to go riding her bike or taking her dog for a walk, and i was sure she probably was.
The truth is folks is that i lost my girl in bits and pieces so many months ago, l lost a bit of her when she was diagnosed , when she lost her hair , when she was losing weight,when they imposed her very first scar and then when that wasn't big enough a 16 inch one 5 months later, i lost even more when she spent special days in the hospital instead of being a teenager..when she no longer had the energy to walk her dog or go to school. This journey was never full of much light as far as beating the disease , i think we knew kinda right from the beginning that we were on a bumpy road, although i never wrote too much about the bad stuff it was nearly always filled with dismal news , usually came as a blindside and when it no longer was a blindside i knew that there was such thing as hell on earth because hope was fading, even in light of the assumed good cure rate.
So if my hope was fading in what this world could offer ..what do i do? Change what i have to have hope in? Needless to say that along this journey our spiritual life has changed and if you attended her service you probably might think "the loweys" religious? huh? i didn't know? truth is it was a process i don't even know if you can call it religious, i don't know tons about the bible. Call it spiritual..maybe... but ask me if i believe in God ..Yes! unashamed! i believe myself to be Christian..i know the fancy terms now is to believe in a higher power , or light , or the universe, and that is just fine...but when you are on the ground writhing around in emotional pain , crying out because the dr has told you your daughter is going to die, it is GOD I cried out to, its primitive , it is GOd i pray to send me a miracle, it is God i confess to and it was God i begged to end my baby's pain and it was God that answered that prayer..am i mad that he didnt answer the first prayer? well i'm a mom... a human mom... so the human mom part of me wanted her here but not at the expense of her pain and suffering.
What have i learned on this spiritual journey? well that is still a work in progress and i don't think i'll ever be a timid quiet church girl , i have too much to say... usually in my own way, however i'm working on presentation... a little bit (not too much)... but it doesn't matter who you are what you look like , you're all good enough to know what i know , that this world is temporary , transient , this is a place to practice being good to one another to teach yourselves and especially your children to believe in something bigger than yourself ( I call it God) My daughter took us to church something i didn't have growing up , i almost dismissed her desires and i am so glad i didnt she was our catalyst and if i do nothing else in my life i am proud that i listened to her that i followed her,not so she could go to youth group every friday night instead of partying on the streets , not because it gave her a sense of leadership when she was a Sunday school helper not becaUSe she was a singer with the church christmas choir and not even because her sisters are taking over those positons for her, it is all these things, but it is because she beieved in something before she left this world , maybe she knew she was going to a better place..was she scared? im damned sure she was... , of pain and leaving us maybe! ..but not of who she was going to meet...she knew because she had something to believe in...maybe somewhere in her she knew she would need faith and so would her parents one day so she lead us there, i'm so grateful to her,. This is not to convert anyone , i don';t care how you do it just give your children something to believe in before they get too old or to set in your ways to not adopt that innocent belief that bold decison. This can be done in many ways sometimes it just helps to have helpers, youth group leaders ,pastors, peers, examples etc. , ashley loved it , sometimes i think she rolled her eyes at us thinking to herself"boy do i have my work cut out for me" We learned much about spiritaulity through the people that travelled this same journey , people that are spiritual teachers that don't even know it...they are servants because they didn't ask any questions ..they just - did! they were just present? they offered their understanding their tears their shoulder their common path ...these people drew themselves close to us at the end like they were called to us , they knew... some of them were the last people i spoke to in the days prior.So that is another spirtual lesson learned...pay close attention to the people in your life the ones that are there always and the ones that are there for blips of time they are like messengers , God sends you angels when you ask for them and they are not always toting bibles or playing the harp they are real people...you...me ..whomever..they are gifts.
Where do we go from here...it has been four days since i started this note , so yes we've had some bad days in there, a few laughs and alot of remembering, living room camp outs etc.. we will continue to remember Ashley in some very special ways...Her school is starting a scholarship in her name so we will have some input on that, although we decided on cremation she will have a marker at Musselwhite , we pass by musselwhite on our way to church, she is on the hilltop she can symbolically wave as we drive by on the sundays that i get my butt outta bed. we will name a star after her, and my project his year is to plant a butterfly garden for her and release butterflies on her birthday..as you may have guessed butterflies were the symbol of her life. We finished finally picking out an urn, i know this sounds morbid but its another decision that we have stewed about, but requires a perfect choice. Soon you will see us all wearing special necklaces , know that we are carrying Ashley with us.
Thank you to everyone during this time i wish i could list everything and everybody, there was such an outpouring of love and support , i will never say this journey was a gift , but i will say there has been gifts along the way, the service was one of them , the work and guidance and participation that went into it from my family, friends, hendersons and cascade pastors and office workers and volunteers was extraoridinary, as well as the speakers they all brought ashley to life... we took great delight in the recieving line (Iknow many people are wondering how/why we did this) we heard so may great things about Ashley and we continue to hear how she is touching peoples lives , we are grateful for this..her recent oncologist out here said he didn't even know what she really looked like(prior to cancer) until the day of the service ..he was blown away by who she was. She had a beautiful life and if you have been touched by her life or her death we would love to hear form you. We continue to work through this and pray for you to stay close to us. We have been witness to the beauty of the human condition. Our life is weird right now , not sure what were supposed to be doing, no more appointments, scans,radiololoists, oncoligst, pain doctors etc etc. Darcy is gradually back at work,kids are camp leaders at VBS this spring break and we may try to sneak off for a little trip , still carrying on ashleys tradition of tormenting her sisters into bekieving were going to Nunavit for a vacation...her spirit lives on.
love and peace
lori
Written over a year ago · Comment · Like
Janice Olson Oh Lori - As always, this blog is so full, so expressive, so complete. It made me cry, it made me smile, it made me contemplate. It also made me print it out - I need to share this with my children. I need them to hear your message which is, really, Ashley's message. They have followed this journey through conversations with me. They have also... See More
March 11, 2009 at 9:36am ·
Leigh-ann Froats beautifully written lori. thanks for sharing all that. i miss her, and i miss all of you too.
peace be with you
March 11, 2009 at 12:01pm ·
Tracey Kasper Im lost for words.Thank you for opening up your heart and soul. You truley amaze me with your words.
All our love to you and your family,today tomorrow and forever!
Orlando,Tracey, Brandon,Baillie,Gage and Quinton
March 11, 2009 at 12:33pm ·
Shannon Thomson Lori, thank you. Your honesty is astounding and as always so well articulated. It is a privilege to be able to read these stories and to have insight into your journey. I genuinely believe that the impact of Ashley's life is so much greater than you could ever know, the people known and unknown to her and your family who have been touched and ... See More
March 11, 2009 at 3:43pm ·
Darcy Lowey I've completely crumbled , and a lot of the time don't know how to carry on little own stop crying since that shitty nightmare morning. But I do know that with out you , and the person you are , I'd have not made this far. I miss her so much this you know , and I love you more every day. The truth is though, I'll have to read this again later when I can do so with out balling my eyes out and loosing my place on every line , you are the strongest women I,ve ever known , and my best friend
March 11, 2009 at 7:56pm ·
Julianne Newell-Wease I thank you all so much for what you have taught me about me about family bonds and I know that you all will be there to support the need that arrives so silent and challenges our faith and our beliefs but I know that God Our Father lifts us up and promises me everlasting lasting life through His Son, Jesus Christ my savior.
You are anispiration ... See More
March 11, 2009 at 11:33pm ·
Jennifer Montgomery 4 years into this.... and I have learned how not to cry. Not very often do I really bellyache, bawl...the kind with sadness, and joy and pride all at the same moment. Not very often to I lose my breath anymore to the stuffed up nose and heart throbbing pain. I guess..it is mainly because not very often do I ever hear anything, read anything, believe anything...that is quite as real, and as honest as these words that you write to us
From the first moment I met you Lori in the clinic, I just loved you.and when I heard you speak your clear unpracticed words...I knew I loved you more.
You are more than a great mom, you are an exceptional mom. Ashley knew that before she even came here. I am both honored and priviledged to know you all, but mostly I am so filled with pride to have witnessed these moments you speak of and to know in my heart these moments you have shared.
I think about you every hour, every moment, every second.
with so much Love
Jen
March 12, 2009 at 12:16am ·
Claudette Hansen Lori, thank-you for again sharing your deepest feelings and thoughts. You are truly inspiring, the way you can write, relay the journey. Also how you've been able to take this gift and make it a therapeutic resourse blows me away. Your strength & courage, I can learn alot from you. Your in my thoughts everyday, love you,Claudette
March 12, 2009 at 9:31am ·
Shakira Hansen I dont even know what to say, words cannot express the way I feel, for you all and ashley. She was a Wonderful person who accomplished so much in her life, and I look up to her for that, and so i now continue on with life with her in my memory and on my mind all the time. She meant so much more to me and so many others than i could have ever ... See More
March 13, 2009 at 10:52pm ·
Goodbye My Baby
Feb 16 2009.
It is with great sadness and a broken heart that we , her family announce that this morning at 6:50 a.m. Ashley Ann- Marie Lowey passed away in hospital. Sophy was also by her side. Ashley has been returned to God as the precious gift we were given if only for a short time, she lives on in our hearts and deeds.
The Lowey family
It is with great sadness and a broken heart that we , her family announce that this morning at 6:50 a.m. Ashley Ann- Marie Lowey passed away in hospital. Sophy was also by her side. Ashley has been returned to God as the precious gift we were given if only for a short time, she lives on in our hearts and deeds.
The Lowey family
Thanks Dan feb 2009
Thanks Dan
Tuesday, February 10, 2009 at 1:56pm | Edit Note | Delete
Ok i know how weird this sounds ...but one of the great things about this journey our family is on is the privelege we have of meeting amazing people, ones we wouldn't have met otherwise.
A few days after Ashley was diagnosed i remember sitting in her room and some guy popping his head in and saying "pizza for everyone in the playroom" in an extremely cheery mood. I thought to myself"buddy do you know where you are , do you realize what ward your on"? first off these kids probably aren't craving anything beyond one ingredient (bland) that requires chewing and second of all whats with the joyous tone " does he not realize where he is"! well i soon learned that this was a common occurance on the oncology ward and that the pizza wasn't necessarily for the kids it was for everyone on the ward to enjoy and conjugate over, it was a way of adding some joy into everyone's lives. The pizza was supplied by "balding For Dollars " and the "joyous" guy that was the head of this organization (for thosse of you who are unfamiliar with balding for dollars, see the end of this blog)... was Dan , i thought to myself does this guy know what things are like up here on 3B? ... well i soon found out that yes he did all to well , his son died of cancer at he age of 12 and he found comfort and joy i suppose in heading up Balding for dollars hoping to bring joy and relief into kids and families dealing with cancer. Since then we have become fond contributors and recipinets of balding ....As many of you know last years fundraiser included Stefanny , Darcy , Jens, and later Brittanny, we raised quite a bit of money and im glad we( i use that term "we" loosely) did because they have given back to us so much. when Ashley lost a good part of hearing due to one of the chemo drugs it was Balding for Dollars and Dans cooperation that Ashley should get an IPOD to illeviate some of her hearing intrusions, Ashley was able to go on an amazing horseback trip last year that Balding initiates as part of their teen adventures program, i can' tell you what it has meant to have this soft place to land when things are hard.
Anyways, Dan phoned me this morning to invite us to a hockey game where the oncology kids will be honoured, arranged of course by Dan, i gratefully thanked him and asked him how he was....Well, he went on to tell me that his daughter had recently died from cancer... if you're keeping track... thats two kids lost to this horrible friggin disease. I nearly started crying but went into "how are you coping"i call it ..."loriism" or "questionism"because it is just how im getting through this... leaning on people , talking to them, getting their take on it... etc. it helps formulate this sprirtiual journey i find myself on, so if ive asked you recently "how did you get through that" or "what do you think helped you" or" what do you think" please don't think i'm nosey it is a compliment to you it is because i value what youve been through , your ideas , your wisdom ,, i take it with me.
Dan went on to tell me what an inspiration his daughter was and how she found joy in all the plans she still made with her 8 year battle. I asked Dan if he was religious and he told me he studied for years to become a priest but found himself more of a spiritual person now and told me that his daughter described her idea of religion or higher power or God or whatever you call it as the love that people show to one another, humankind , love between people,not just our immediate circle but beyond...he told me that she still found joy in her life and still lived it and that he and his family didn't let this rob them of the joy they still have with one another , that it has been difficult but that their daughter would still want them to make plans and live their life just as she did.
This idea correlated with what i had heard recently about joy , that we can have it in any circumstance, this is not to be confused with happiness, happiness is transient it comes and goes but joy is appreciation for all that we do have, it is knowing and having faith that everything will be ok, not perfect, not ideal, but that we'll be ok.
Peace and Joy,
Lori
Just for interest sake Balding for Dollars as you may have guessed is a fundraising charity that provides outtings, trips, funds, tickets, spa days, fun days, celebrity days, fun lunches,supplies on the ward, extras, and joy for children and their families dealing with cancer. Their big fundraiser is coming up i will keep you posted with more information regarding this event.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009 at 1:56pm | Edit Note | Delete
Ok i know how weird this sounds ...but one of the great things about this journey our family is on is the privelege we have of meeting amazing people, ones we wouldn't have met otherwise.
A few days after Ashley was diagnosed i remember sitting in her room and some guy popping his head in and saying "pizza for everyone in the playroom" in an extremely cheery mood. I thought to myself"buddy do you know where you are , do you realize what ward your on"? first off these kids probably aren't craving anything beyond one ingredient (bland) that requires chewing and second of all whats with the joyous tone " does he not realize where he is"! well i soon learned that this was a common occurance on the oncology ward and that the pizza wasn't necessarily for the kids it was for everyone on the ward to enjoy and conjugate over, it was a way of adding some joy into everyone's lives. The pizza was supplied by "balding For Dollars " and the "joyous" guy that was the head of this organization (for thosse of you who are unfamiliar with balding for dollars, see the end of this blog)... was Dan , i thought to myself does this guy know what things are like up here on 3B? ... well i soon found out that yes he did all to well , his son died of cancer at he age of 12 and he found comfort and joy i suppose in heading up Balding for dollars hoping to bring joy and relief into kids and families dealing with cancer. Since then we have become fond contributors and recipinets of balding ....As many of you know last years fundraiser included Stefanny , Darcy , Jens, and later Brittanny, we raised quite a bit of money and im glad we( i use that term "we" loosely) did because they have given back to us so much. when Ashley lost a good part of hearing due to one of the chemo drugs it was Balding for Dollars and Dans cooperation that Ashley should get an IPOD to illeviate some of her hearing intrusions, Ashley was able to go on an amazing horseback trip last year that Balding initiates as part of their teen adventures program, i can' tell you what it has meant to have this soft place to land when things are hard.
Anyways, Dan phoned me this morning to invite us to a hockey game where the oncology kids will be honoured, arranged of course by Dan, i gratefully thanked him and asked him how he was....Well, he went on to tell me that his daughter had recently died from cancer... if you're keeping track... thats two kids lost to this horrible friggin disease. I nearly started crying but went into "how are you coping"i call it ..."loriism" or "questionism"because it is just how im getting through this... leaning on people , talking to them, getting their take on it... etc. it helps formulate this sprirtiual journey i find myself on, so if ive asked you recently "how did you get through that" or "what do you think helped you" or" what do you think" please don't think i'm nosey it is a compliment to you it is because i value what youve been through , your ideas , your wisdom ,, i take it with me.
Dan went on to tell me what an inspiration his daughter was and how she found joy in all the plans she still made with her 8 year battle. I asked Dan if he was religious and he told me he studied for years to become a priest but found himself more of a spiritual person now and told me that his daughter described her idea of religion or higher power or God or whatever you call it as the love that people show to one another, humankind , love between people,not just our immediate circle but beyond...he told me that she still found joy in her life and still lived it and that he and his family didn't let this rob them of the joy they still have with one another , that it has been difficult but that their daughter would still want them to make plans and live their life just as she did.
This idea correlated with what i had heard recently about joy , that we can have it in any circumstance, this is not to be confused with happiness, happiness is transient it comes and goes but joy is appreciation for all that we do have, it is knowing and having faith that everything will be ok, not perfect, not ideal, but that we'll be ok.
Peace and Joy,
Lori
Just for interest sake Balding for Dollars as you may have guessed is a fundraising charity that provides outtings, trips, funds, tickets, spa days, fun days, celebrity days, fun lunches,supplies on the ward, extras, and joy for children and their families dealing with cancer. Their big fundraiser is coming up i will keep you posted with more information regarding this event.
Gifts Feb 2009
ifts
Tuesday, February 3, 2009 at 10:56am | Edit Note | Delete
Well you should be getting the jist of our crazy unpredictable life by now, i probably don't have to tell you where we've been for the last two weeks or maybe i do , because you're used to me talking about childrens' hsosptial in realtion to Ashleys care.
This time was a litlle different, Yes, Ashley spiked a fever 2 weeks ago and when her counts are zero that means infection and a stint in the hospital for 2 weeks(do i sound like a broken record) this time, however, we were able to receive care at our new Abbotsford Hopital, although, it is a cancer centre as well, she was treated on the pedaitric ward in the regular hospital with regular kids who have regular problems like tonsilectomies and broken legs it was a slice of regularness. I can't tell you how different things felt.
First of all i have to give credit where credit is due. the doctors nurses etc. at childrens hospital oncology are probably some of the highest skilled people i have ever met in my life they are truly, medically, world class, we are blessed to have this hospital in our province so close, and if you're ever looking for a charity please consider it.
However, that being said if you're not being treated for strictly cancer stuff- Abbotsfrod pediatric care was a blessing , the nurses were amazing absoultely wrapped ashley up into their care and went out of their way...maybe nurses , anywhere are just amazing people ...angels sent form above. The moment we got there we were given a bright spacious room separate form the rest of the crying babies , they affectionately call this room "ashleys room" we were offered all the services that we would normally recieve at chlidrens ... social work, occupational therpaist ,child life the whole shibang, we were also able to direct ashleys care because these were not "oncology" nurses we were given opportunity to share our experiences and suggestions with the nurses/staff it was a feeling of control and understanding and mirrored back, i was astonished at what we've learned in a year it was an education i thought i would never reicieve or embrace but there it spilling out of my mouth like my first language ..its been a frightening immersion class. We were told by the nurse manger andPCC(???) that whatever we needed we would be afforded(hhmmm , thoughts came to my mind , but i'll leave that alone)I think it was probably a good experience for them too to learn new skills etc and no she was not treated like an experiment , i met a couple student nurses not quite ready for a practicum at childrens who hoped to be oncology nurses someday so i'm hoping they will recall ashley as their first prvilege at treating a child with cancer, because i think it is truly a privlege.These kids are front line heroes fighting tough battles that they don't always see purple hearts for. Some how i was truly at peace out here and although her secondary oncologist (out here) visited her almost daily i didnt seem to have the same fear of 4 or 5 oncologists walking into her room announcing "we need to have a parent meeting later" So i have to say that except for one little incident involving a silly boymanchild (a lori word) who thought he could scare me with his rude road behaviour, my 2 weeks were quite positive especially after i reassured him that i am a mother with a daughter figthing for her life, im not a girl who scares or is bullied easily i've faced tougher things than his skull rings and ugly mug...but i digress and am learning to let go of unneeded anger( work in progress)but sometimes the universe just provides nasty outlets.
We were visited by many of you who have been longing to visit Ashley but were unable to prior, Ashley had her youth group spend a fri night with her , family, friends pastors, freinds who work in the hospital and 2 of her nurses attend the same church, so we felt cared for medically and spiritually, we were able to run home to grab dinner, showers , kiss the other kids goodnight etc. the convenience was a blessing.
We are now home, regrouping- re-connectiong and following this spiritual journey where it takes us , sometimes its the hard road and sometimes its a euphoric road especially when you pay attention to the things that flow into your life, it is SO EASY to miss them, sometimes when i'm having a bad day or things aren't going the way i planned (should no better than to PLAN by now) the right person will enter into it .say something,send an email , new friends will come into my life with wisdom and faith,(Toni) quote a saying or a verse. offer me a book,a funny story, a poignant story , a subtle well timed suggestion, or a smile .or a hug, or a prayer,a dinner,silence... for whatever they're gift is it helps us to believe that we all have something to offer even if we think its nothing, i learned from someone this week that we all have God-given gifts and it is our responsibilty to share them to cultivate them not necassarily for our own satisfaction but also for how it might serve others, know you're gift! even if you dont think its a gift it can be turned into a gift if oyu share it! listen! , pay attention it will flow from you! exude from you into the world easily! and pay attention to the gifts people give you they were meant to be shared and accepted gratefully. I always wondered pre-diagnosis if one had to go through a big life-changing event to get to that place of gratitiude and sense of awe in God and Goodness and appreciating life in the now, i have to say that i may not have tuned in without this experience because through it i have met people who have taught me how to accept "what is" even when we wished it was something else, Thanks Jen for sharing your tough news. Thank you to everyone for sharing their gifts with us its what keeps us having faith.Thanks for reading,
Peace
Lori
Tuesday, February 3, 2009 at 10:56am | Edit Note | Delete
Well you should be getting the jist of our crazy unpredictable life by now, i probably don't have to tell you where we've been for the last two weeks or maybe i do , because you're used to me talking about childrens' hsosptial in realtion to Ashleys care.
This time was a litlle different, Yes, Ashley spiked a fever 2 weeks ago and when her counts are zero that means infection and a stint in the hospital for 2 weeks(do i sound like a broken record) this time, however, we were able to receive care at our new Abbotsford Hopital, although, it is a cancer centre as well, she was treated on the pedaitric ward in the regular hospital with regular kids who have regular problems like tonsilectomies and broken legs it was a slice of regularness. I can't tell you how different things felt.
First of all i have to give credit where credit is due. the doctors nurses etc. at childrens hospital oncology are probably some of the highest skilled people i have ever met in my life they are truly, medically, world class, we are blessed to have this hospital in our province so close, and if you're ever looking for a charity please consider it.
However, that being said if you're not being treated for strictly cancer stuff- Abbotsfrod pediatric care was a blessing , the nurses were amazing absoultely wrapped ashley up into their care and went out of their way...maybe nurses , anywhere are just amazing people ...angels sent form above. The moment we got there we were given a bright spacious room separate form the rest of the crying babies , they affectionately call this room "ashleys room" we were offered all the services that we would normally recieve at chlidrens ... social work, occupational therpaist ,child life the whole shibang, we were also able to direct ashleys care because these were not "oncology" nurses we were given opportunity to share our experiences and suggestions with the nurses/staff it was a feeling of control and understanding and mirrored back, i was astonished at what we've learned in a year it was an education i thought i would never reicieve or embrace but there it spilling out of my mouth like my first language ..its been a frightening immersion class. We were told by the nurse manger andPCC(???) that whatever we needed we would be afforded(hhmmm , thoughts came to my mind , but i'll leave that alone)I think it was probably a good experience for them too to learn new skills etc and no she was not treated like an experiment , i met a couple student nurses not quite ready for a practicum at childrens who hoped to be oncology nurses someday so i'm hoping they will recall ashley as their first prvilege at treating a child with cancer, because i think it is truly a privlege.These kids are front line heroes fighting tough battles that they don't always see purple hearts for. Some how i was truly at peace out here and although her secondary oncologist (out here) visited her almost daily i didnt seem to have the same fear of 4 or 5 oncologists walking into her room announcing "we need to have a parent meeting later" So i have to say that except for one little incident involving a silly boymanchild (a lori word) who thought he could scare me with his rude road behaviour, my 2 weeks were quite positive especially after i reassured him that i am a mother with a daughter figthing for her life, im not a girl who scares or is bullied easily i've faced tougher things than his skull rings and ugly mug...but i digress and am learning to let go of unneeded anger( work in progress)but sometimes the universe just provides nasty outlets.
We were visited by many of you who have been longing to visit Ashley but were unable to prior, Ashley had her youth group spend a fri night with her , family, friends pastors, freinds who work in the hospital and 2 of her nurses attend the same church, so we felt cared for medically and spiritually, we were able to run home to grab dinner, showers , kiss the other kids goodnight etc. the convenience was a blessing.
We are now home, regrouping- re-connectiong and following this spiritual journey where it takes us , sometimes its the hard road and sometimes its a euphoric road especially when you pay attention to the things that flow into your life, it is SO EASY to miss them, sometimes when i'm having a bad day or things aren't going the way i planned (should no better than to PLAN by now) the right person will enter into it .say something,send an email , new friends will come into my life with wisdom and faith,(Toni) quote a saying or a verse. offer me a book,a funny story, a poignant story , a subtle well timed suggestion, or a smile .or a hug, or a prayer,a dinner,silence... for whatever they're gift is it helps us to believe that we all have something to offer even if we think its nothing, i learned from someone this week that we all have God-given gifts and it is our responsibilty to share them to cultivate them not necassarily for our own satisfaction but also for how it might serve others, know you're gift! even if you dont think its a gift it can be turned into a gift if oyu share it! listen! , pay attention it will flow from you! exude from you into the world easily! and pay attention to the gifts people give you they were meant to be shared and accepted gratefully. I always wondered pre-diagnosis if one had to go through a big life-changing event to get to that place of gratitiude and sense of awe in God and Goodness and appreciating life in the now, i have to say that i may not have tuned in without this experience because through it i have met people who have taught me how to accept "what is" even when we wished it was something else, Thanks Jen for sharing your tough news. Thank you to everyone for sharing their gifts with us its what keeps us having faith.Thanks for reading,
Peace
Lori
The Lab Lady..Jan 2009
The lab lady...a human spirit story
Tuesday, January 6, 2009 at 10:38am | Edit Note | Delete
So i had to write this note , tell ya about a little story that happened yesterday,one of those weird little human spirit stories.
As you may know Ashley has been getting alot of her daily medical work done out here at the new Abbotsford hospital , she is rarely seen in the cancer part just the pediatric ward usually for bloodcounts and transfusions and pain management. The nurses have been just amazing , really going out of their way to accomodate us etc, however, it is not childrens hospital where everything is just done so routinely and automatically and efficiently that i rarely have to think. Out here i am a little more responsible for "following through" making sure the right people are checking the results etc and that requistions are written for what i think needs to be done.
Yesterday, we visited the out patient blood lab at the hospital for the first time. There were people from various walks of life with a sleugh, im sure, of different ailments. There were several people working the counter/ reception and when i explained what we needed done and where they could retrieve the requisiton they seemed a little confused and hurried and stressed , the blood was drawn with a bit of difficulty, yet we were still quite grateful we werent driving into Vancouver.
Later that day i still hadn't heard any results form the lab so i phoned in to get the results , i was transferred to about a million different people and asked questions like" well will you know what these blood results mean...its a little technical?' I would snicker to myslef thinking" wow if they could only see my blood bible over the last year!" So i proceeded to ask about the white blood cell count, the differentials the hemoglobin,platelletes etc. Finally they put me through to the supervisor when they realized i guess that i wasn't a rookie. The woman gets on the phone and asks who i'm inquiring about... i tell her "Ashley Lowey", she asks if were related to another Lowey family in Abbotsford and i tell her no but that we are asked this all the time, this starts a friendly little chat about nothing in particular, then she says oh i remember you this morning ... i try to recall in my mind which one she was but like i said it was a bit of a zoo. She gives me some of the results that i ask for and she says"out of curiosity what are these blood results for , theres quite a bit of bloodwork?" I tell her "oh she has germ cell tumor"...silence...no reply..so, i re-word it "metastatic cancer " i tell her, the only sound i hear is the chicken stir frying on the stove 2 steps away and Brittanny asking me to tie her dolly's shoe....still nothing but quiet on the phone"did she hear me" i wondered, had i been disconnected i thought Now i've been at this a year or so when i say cancer or germ cell tumor i probably say it with a tone you would use to describe "the flu" not that i am un- compassionate any more about the diagnosis just that when im dealing with the science or scientists of the disease i have learned to be a little more academic and advocatory with it so i can process and plan and anticipate whats next. Anyways, i repeat myself again because of the long pause" metastatic cancer" i say....again..pause , a long one. I say" heeelllloooo", and she gasps and says "im sorry ...im going to cry" ...."what" i thought..."huh" i say in my most compssionate voice possible....she sobs and says " i saw her today she so young and beautiful" she cries and apologizes over and over , i tell her Im sorry" ( i dont know why i said im sorry but i felt so bad for her) i tell her" its ok , it s ok , i know i know , dont be sorry" i said through held back tears and chokedness. She blurts out the numbers i had phoned for but she is strained vocalizing the results. The numbers wouldnt have meant much to her so this was all coming from the news of the cancer itself. I told her" thank you" and "its ok" one more time. She says shes sorry and hangs up the phone. Many things rattled through my mind at the time, i was moved to tears at this point and the "mom" in me came back at the empathy and humanness that this disease has brought out in people. It is a testament to the human spirt , this woman works in the area of science has to deal with a lot of disease and sick people but can still be moved to tears by the sight or recall of a moment in her day where things didnt seem fair and that we are all connected and we all have a story , i dont know what her story was, maybe she lost someone to cancer, maybe she has a 16 year old daughter maybe she hadnt given us much thought at the time,maybe she thought Ashley was anorexic, i don't know , but it was that "kindness of strangers" thing again. We have been shown so much compassion, love and support by so many of you, not surprising though, because i know i can count on that from you, i guess we've chosen our friends wisely or lucked out by having you choose us but were thankful either way and realize that this effects everyone. So to the lab lady if she ever reads this or if you know of a lab worker at ARH please let her know that she should never be sorry for her comapssion and humanness in her job or otherwise , it really stopped me in my tracks and made me aware of how much we are all connected if we stop and look. I know ashleys medical team as scientific and professioanall as they are must go home some nights pour themselves something strong and wonder and cry and question.... the lab lady confirmed that for me yesterday. Thanks for reading.
Peace,
Lori
Tuesday, January 6, 2009 at 10:38am | Edit Note | Delete
So i had to write this note , tell ya about a little story that happened yesterday,one of those weird little human spirit stories.
As you may know Ashley has been getting alot of her daily medical work done out here at the new Abbotsford hospital , she is rarely seen in the cancer part just the pediatric ward usually for bloodcounts and transfusions and pain management. The nurses have been just amazing , really going out of their way to accomodate us etc, however, it is not childrens hospital where everything is just done so routinely and automatically and efficiently that i rarely have to think. Out here i am a little more responsible for "following through" making sure the right people are checking the results etc and that requistions are written for what i think needs to be done.
Yesterday, we visited the out patient blood lab at the hospital for the first time. There were people from various walks of life with a sleugh, im sure, of different ailments. There were several people working the counter/ reception and when i explained what we needed done and where they could retrieve the requisiton they seemed a little confused and hurried and stressed , the blood was drawn with a bit of difficulty, yet we were still quite grateful we werent driving into Vancouver.
Later that day i still hadn't heard any results form the lab so i phoned in to get the results , i was transferred to about a million different people and asked questions like" well will you know what these blood results mean...its a little technical?' I would snicker to myslef thinking" wow if they could only see my blood bible over the last year!" So i proceeded to ask about the white blood cell count, the differentials the hemoglobin,platelletes etc. Finally they put me through to the supervisor when they realized i guess that i wasn't a rookie. The woman gets on the phone and asks who i'm inquiring about... i tell her "Ashley Lowey", she asks if were related to another Lowey family in Abbotsford and i tell her no but that we are asked this all the time, this starts a friendly little chat about nothing in particular, then she says oh i remember you this morning ... i try to recall in my mind which one she was but like i said it was a bit of a zoo. She gives me some of the results that i ask for and she says"out of curiosity what are these blood results for , theres quite a bit of bloodwork?" I tell her "oh she has germ cell tumor"...silence...no reply..so, i re-word it "metastatic cancer " i tell her, the only sound i hear is the chicken stir frying on the stove 2 steps away and Brittanny asking me to tie her dolly's shoe....still nothing but quiet on the phone"did she hear me" i wondered, had i been disconnected i thought Now i've been at this a year or so when i say cancer or germ cell tumor i probably say it with a tone you would use to describe "the flu" not that i am un- compassionate any more about the diagnosis just that when im dealing with the science or scientists of the disease i have learned to be a little more academic and advocatory with it so i can process and plan and anticipate whats next. Anyways, i repeat myself again because of the long pause" metastatic cancer" i say....again..pause , a long one. I say" heeelllloooo", and she gasps and says "im sorry ...im going to cry" ...."what" i thought..."huh" i say in my most compssionate voice possible....she sobs and says " i saw her today she so young and beautiful" she cries and apologizes over and over , i tell her Im sorry" ( i dont know why i said im sorry but i felt so bad for her) i tell her" its ok , it s ok , i know i know , dont be sorry" i said through held back tears and chokedness. She blurts out the numbers i had phoned for but she is strained vocalizing the results. The numbers wouldnt have meant much to her so this was all coming from the news of the cancer itself. I told her" thank you" and "its ok" one more time. She says shes sorry and hangs up the phone. Many things rattled through my mind at the time, i was moved to tears at this point and the "mom" in me came back at the empathy and humanness that this disease has brought out in people. It is a testament to the human spirt , this woman works in the area of science has to deal with a lot of disease and sick people but can still be moved to tears by the sight or recall of a moment in her day where things didnt seem fair and that we are all connected and we all have a story , i dont know what her story was, maybe she lost someone to cancer, maybe she has a 16 year old daughter maybe she hadnt given us much thought at the time,maybe she thought Ashley was anorexic, i don't know , but it was that "kindness of strangers" thing again. We have been shown so much compassion, love and support by so many of you, not surprising though, because i know i can count on that from you, i guess we've chosen our friends wisely or lucked out by having you choose us but were thankful either way and realize that this effects everyone. So to the lab lady if she ever reads this or if you know of a lab worker at ARH please let her know that she should never be sorry for her comapssion and humanness in her job or otherwise , it really stopped me in my tracks and made me aware of how much we are all connected if we stop and look. I know ashleys medical team as scientific and professioanall as they are must go home some nights pour themselves something strong and wonder and cry and question.... the lab lady confirmed that for me yesterday. Thanks for reading.
Peace,
Lori
The Lowey Family is Thanking you January 2009
The Lowey Family is thanking you all for the support in 2008
Friday, January 2, 2009 at 12:26pm | Edit Note | Delete
I spent most of Jan1 in quiet contimplation( quiet in this house is rare) about how i will approach this year , my mind has been thrown around latley like a ragdoll in a tornado. But we made it through Christmas outside the hospital, Ashley was adament about not wanting to spend Dec 25 in the confines of an I.V pole, However, we were there the day before and the day after, doesn't matter.... we were home and after much turmoil about how we would spend the holidays...we went with traditonal, well almost traditonal ,vowing not to get hung up on the things that didn't matter the things i did out of duty and with little joy before. I should tell you that even though i decided not to bake this year, i was still blessed with a freezer full of yummy xmas goodies, much to my familys delight. as well we were blessed with special treats from secret santas and spirits of angles to get us through.
The day after my last blog on Dec.12 we were again brought into a conference room to discuss ashleys progress, our hope for this miracle last ditch chemo was not the news we had hoped , ashleys cancer which normally is a 90-99% curable cancer is proving to beat the statistics and we again were faced with some harsh realiities...choices that no parent should have to make, or perhaps choice and control were taken away along time ago?... i dont know..., however we now knew we had the choice on how we would deal with it.Christmas could have been big and splashy or quiet and uneventful ...we decided to go with normal... our normal xmas.... because outside of all the crap we still have to find a way to have a normal yet extraordinary life, truth is... not one of us really knows what tomorrow will bring, tomorrow is not promised.
So the purpose of my blog is to take this time to tell each and everyone of you what you have meant to us this year, i wish i had the time to tell you each personally the way you have touched our lives this year , i wish i had time to sit and write witty and inspirational thank you cards and i wish i had time to listen to whats new in your life, but our main priority right now is to care for ashley and our other children as best we can, a job we are honoured to do, one that has tested us as parents time and time again , the hardest and most priveleged part of out career as parents thus far. and as we travel it we are learning there is a difference between "Cure" and "Healing."Just before Christmas hit we spent many of the days consistently being reminded of our year long journey and how we thought we would be in remission by now,little did we know last year that we..i should say ashley would face weekly transfusions, hundred of pokes dozens of scans several surgeries and procedures , days and weeks of vomitting and infections and countless days in hospital ,everchanging news etc. apparently we are faced with a different plan for our lives, but we are here right now and we probably wouldnt have been without you.
We have met some amazing people on this journey , gotten to know some better , and relied on old friends as well. WE THANK YOU for errands, meals, money, fundraisers, cards, care packages, beautiful letters, blankets, jewlery, phonecalls, wine and more wine, visits, chores, taking care of our other kids, having them over , groceries, movies,shoulders to cry on, wisdom,prayers,banana bread, pies, casseroles,massages,school pick ups, annointment, oils, tears, laughter, hugs and more hugs, going bald , sponsorship, drawings, bday party dedications, moral support, concertst,compassion,scarves, dog napping, , spirit of angel xmas gifts, out of town visits. I know there is a ton more stuff im forgetting and i apologize please know that nothing in our house and home goes unnoticed we are truly blessed and give thanks everytime , many times we just cry over the overwhelming support and love shown to us it is an experience that i truly have no words for and i think that sometimes out of tragedy and sadness beautiful angels appear to lighten your load....Gods true purpose for our lives. I have prayed the obvious over and over again and have questioned why my prayers are not being answered?I know that i may never have answers to my questions no matter how many ways i read all the powerful stuff out there but i know that comfort is always being sent our way. Would i wish this upon anyone so they can experience this love ? not my worst enemy , i don't care how strong it apparently makes you ..id rather be weak and stupid and shallow if it means having my children healthy...but we dont always get to choose the circumstance we only get to choose how we will look at it, how we will approach it and for that we we are still working on it, reminding ashley that she may not be able to do all the things she once did right now that she will discover hidden talents inside herself that may not have exuded form her without this experience , it her journey to discover it i guess and ours to cheer her on every step of the way. There are hidden gifts for us too, ones i plan to continue to share with you over time in these writings which has truly been a cathartic experience , a bit vulnerable but very rewarding one i hope to reflect on with peace over time . In the meantime Ashley is recieving a drug to hopefully keep her tumor at bay , to stop growth, we are trying to keep her strong physically, spritually and mentally, she is an amazingly strong kid as is all of our kids... they walk along side her holding her hand (when she s not bossing them around...some things never change)
Again, from the Lowey family we thank you all ,so many of you including the medical team, fellow oncology parents for our shared fears and tears and hope , family, friends , neighbours, community,work ,we are blessed and and unbelievably thankful to you for holding us up through our walk along this journey.
May you experience peace and the love of others and the gift of each day regardless of what life brings you this year.
Peace
Lori(and family)
Friday, January 2, 2009 at 12:26pm | Edit Note | Delete
I spent most of Jan1 in quiet contimplation( quiet in this house is rare) about how i will approach this year , my mind has been thrown around latley like a ragdoll in a tornado. But we made it through Christmas outside the hospital, Ashley was adament about not wanting to spend Dec 25 in the confines of an I.V pole, However, we were there the day before and the day after, doesn't matter.... we were home and after much turmoil about how we would spend the holidays...we went with traditonal, well almost traditonal ,vowing not to get hung up on the things that didn't matter the things i did out of duty and with little joy before. I should tell you that even though i decided not to bake this year, i was still blessed with a freezer full of yummy xmas goodies, much to my familys delight. as well we were blessed with special treats from secret santas and spirits of angles to get us through.
The day after my last blog on Dec.12 we were again brought into a conference room to discuss ashleys progress, our hope for this miracle last ditch chemo was not the news we had hoped , ashleys cancer which normally is a 90-99% curable cancer is proving to beat the statistics and we again were faced with some harsh realiities...choices that no parent should have to make, or perhaps choice and control were taken away along time ago?... i dont know..., however we now knew we had the choice on how we would deal with it.Christmas could have been big and splashy or quiet and uneventful ...we decided to go with normal... our normal xmas.... because outside of all the crap we still have to find a way to have a normal yet extraordinary life, truth is... not one of us really knows what tomorrow will bring, tomorrow is not promised.
So the purpose of my blog is to take this time to tell each and everyone of you what you have meant to us this year, i wish i had the time to tell you each personally the way you have touched our lives this year , i wish i had time to sit and write witty and inspirational thank you cards and i wish i had time to listen to whats new in your life, but our main priority right now is to care for ashley and our other children as best we can, a job we are honoured to do, one that has tested us as parents time and time again , the hardest and most priveleged part of out career as parents thus far. and as we travel it we are learning there is a difference between "Cure" and "Healing."Just before Christmas hit we spent many of the days consistently being reminded of our year long journey and how we thought we would be in remission by now,little did we know last year that we..i should say ashley would face weekly transfusions, hundred of pokes dozens of scans several surgeries and procedures , days and weeks of vomitting and infections and countless days in hospital ,everchanging news etc. apparently we are faced with a different plan for our lives, but we are here right now and we probably wouldnt have been without you.
We have met some amazing people on this journey , gotten to know some better , and relied on old friends as well. WE THANK YOU for errands, meals, money, fundraisers, cards, care packages, beautiful letters, blankets, jewlery, phonecalls, wine and more wine, visits, chores, taking care of our other kids, having them over , groceries, movies,shoulders to cry on, wisdom,prayers,banana bread, pies, casseroles,massages,school pick ups, annointment, oils, tears, laughter, hugs and more hugs, going bald , sponsorship, drawings, bday party dedications, moral support, concertst,compassion,scarves, dog napping, , spirit of angel xmas gifts, out of town visits. I know there is a ton more stuff im forgetting and i apologize please know that nothing in our house and home goes unnoticed we are truly blessed and give thanks everytime , many times we just cry over the overwhelming support and love shown to us it is an experience that i truly have no words for and i think that sometimes out of tragedy and sadness beautiful angels appear to lighten your load....Gods true purpose for our lives. I have prayed the obvious over and over again and have questioned why my prayers are not being answered?I know that i may never have answers to my questions no matter how many ways i read all the powerful stuff out there but i know that comfort is always being sent our way. Would i wish this upon anyone so they can experience this love ? not my worst enemy , i don't care how strong it apparently makes you ..id rather be weak and stupid and shallow if it means having my children healthy...but we dont always get to choose the circumstance we only get to choose how we will look at it, how we will approach it and for that we we are still working on it, reminding ashley that she may not be able to do all the things she once did right now that she will discover hidden talents inside herself that may not have exuded form her without this experience , it her journey to discover it i guess and ours to cheer her on every step of the way. There are hidden gifts for us too, ones i plan to continue to share with you over time in these writings which has truly been a cathartic experience , a bit vulnerable but very rewarding one i hope to reflect on with peace over time . In the meantime Ashley is recieving a drug to hopefully keep her tumor at bay , to stop growth, we are trying to keep her strong physically, spritually and mentally, she is an amazingly strong kid as is all of our kids... they walk along side her holding her hand (when she s not bossing them around...some things never change)
Again, from the Lowey family we thank you all ,so many of you including the medical team, fellow oncology parents for our shared fears and tears and hope , family, friends , neighbours, community,work ,we are blessed and and unbelievably thankful to you for holding us up through our walk along this journey.
May you experience peace and the love of others and the gift of each day regardless of what life brings you this year.
Peace
Lori(and family)
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