10 Years

10 years

Lowey Family·Sunday, December 17, 2017

It’s bleak outside today , especially bleak because i’m looking out at the ocean and the ferry is particularly crowded , i’m boxed in listening to some 30 somethings having a pissing contest on who has the best-est newest greatest thing, gadget, kitchen , kids etc. i’m feeling a bit trapped and my only option seems to be to stand out on the deck and just soak up the rain , enjoy the solitude yet i know i would just cry to myself and wonder how it is possible that 10 years ago i was in an ambulance heading for Children hospital bewildered and gobsmacked at how i could possibly be here only half knowing what our fate held (diagnosis confirmation day) . I may have been like one of those 30 somethings ( ok 40 somethings ) 10 years ago , how i would have disliked her now, how vanilla my life was, how surface and pleasantnville i could have been and how i would have chosen to stay “her” i guess... not saying i’m any better of a person , i’m just a bit more of a contradiction then i was before , i just have more information now , i know the truly yucky parts of myself , my faith , my marriage, a marriage and a faith that has been tested to the brink and while it doesn't follow recognizable paths anymore it is a newly carved , newly defined marking of a trail. We dance a new dance now and are learning not to step on each others feet , we’re getting there ... this world is a tough place to be for so many , i wonder if it’s been tough in some way for these 30 something next to me , maybe they’re really good at puttin on a facade , maybe it’s gonna sneak up on them one rainy normal December day. Life is a head shaker , you wonder how some people go through so much S#$% and others, no better , no worse, seem to skate by. It’s cruel out there lately , a child that lived through war-torn Syria fleas to a safe country and gets hit by a bus in first world country , wth? an officer murdered over a stolen car , children fighting cancer for the 2nd 3rd forth time and some don’t make it at all. C’mon tell me where the playing field is even . I know now that sunshine and rain come from the same sky and it all depends where on earth you happen to be walking .

Grief is a member of our family, it has to have a place, it gives us something to take care of , it’s a suitcase we carry around with us , one of those well worn suitcases from along ago , with stickers on it that tell the world where you’ve been , I’m not a world traveler but some days it feels like my suitcase has been all over the world and back , sometimes the thing pops open and everything comes spilling out , it can be uncomfortable and embarrassing and i have to gather up the belongings very quickly and stuff em back inside , it is hard work , it’s not like a hard job or a hard course it’s like physically carrying heaviness with you every where you go and at the end of the night you can only just lie it bedside for a few hours , wake up the next morning , thank God for another day and pick it back up and peek inside of it once in awhile just so you can touch the fragile things inside again. Some years go by and maybe you can remove a few things , lighten it up a bit , but never too much , you hate it and want it at the same time

10 Years later and lives have changed , it’s all i can say , that its’ “changed” some things are harder . some things are just clearer . People have come and gone from our lives and that’s ok , i have a few more phobias, quirks , wrinkles and cortizol and worry free parenting has never been restored ( just ask my kids) I have way more patience in some areas and wayyyy less in others. I teeter between being stoic and bawling my eyes out from moment to moment (k, maybe that’s hormones) This is not your typical sunny Christmas form letter , we are not full circle , i’m not sure that exists in this ,but i pray our kids are settled , confident beings and continue to be a little more aware of the world around them , ( judging by their career paths i think they are) that our marriage continues to know it can withstand the fire and that faith remains the foundation in it all ...and if that’s all i was able to accomplish in 10 years then that is enough.

Much peace ...10 years post dx

Lori

Mundane-ness ( word?)

I’m off this week and when i say off, i mean it, in all sense of the word. I finally took a week off of work , Darcy is away which means there ain’t much cookin goin on around here with just me and Britt home. I’m gettin caught up on all those “i’ll do it laters” they are the mundane things you say you’re going to get to later but really when that later comes it’s just a big pile of who the hell cares, this should be a week of wanna’s not shoulda’s, not sayin i can’t do my wanna’s when Darcy is home but for some reason i get sidetracked and let’s face it our wanna’s dont always mesh and i am 100% ok in saying that. After 28 years of marriage i have come to believe that while we have many things in common there are many things that we are uniquely separate in , case in point , he’s hunting , 2 weeks in the bush , seriously i could not think of anything i’d rather do less but it’s what gives him peace and i guess writing is what gives me peace or at least a place to hunt and gather my thoughts , maybe not so diff after all, because aren’t we all just searching for peace ...

Beginning to think that peace is becoming an elusive concept let alone an ability with the state the world is in , forgive me for getting too broad in my subject matter , I’m not gonna get all “ I just want world peace , beauty pageanty” I think the world has reached a bit of a climactic point that may not reverse itself anytime soon and we can protest and fight against it ,but, what will be ,may just be . It’s almost scary to think our actions can change everything or anything because when we can’t change the thing that’s going to inevitably happen it can be a giant fall from “ if you believe it you receive it “ damaging to one’s own belief in mortality...like trying to glue leaves back on to a tree in the Fall. I used to think that if i prayed hard enough or thought positively enough then i could change outcomes , i was wrong and it flies back to where does “hope “ fall into all this and why am i even talking about this ...because as global as the big issues are in the world right now there are everyday unpeaceful things happening around us and to us and like the butterfly effect, it ripples outward and we have a choice on how to respond to that ripple . I cannot think of a time or maybe i’m just so meshed in the world of cancer or that it’s Childhood Cancer month or that it is everywhere you turn and is such a devastating word , one cannot help but contemplate the ramifications of hearing that word, especially concerning those so very close to us. Life hangs in a balance for those waiting news and test results and decisions to be made ( this can be true for all diseases and calamities).

Often i get asked if i have come to peace with what we have gone through , it is a loaded question and i guess i have to guage my audience and i don’t expect anyone to fully appreciate what i’m saying but there were times in our journey that peace was the feeling of having one more day and no bad news today... somehow now, it’s stupid, peace has become “did i pay that bill , how are we going to save for retirement etc “and i hate that it has become my sense of peace because when i was in the thick of it peace truly was the “ we have today” , God has granted maybe one more moment together ...peace in regular life is often just an illusion , you think you have it until something bad happens and then things ain’t so peaceful anymore , everything is temporary everything fades , you only have this one moment , the one you’re in (ugh i don’t want to get all Eckhart Tolle either). Sometimes life is just getting through one more disastrous moment and other times it is just getting through one more normal moment . On the other side of the worst possible moments in this life i don’t really know , i just know that somehow we got through it , God did not grant my wish but He did give me the tools i needed to cope , He gave me a clarity , the right people , a bit of an awareness to the things around me and a hope in something i cannot see right now and that’s ok, because i think that is the pure definition of faith and when things are bogging me down , the things that wont matter a year form now i have the ability to go back and recall. By no means am i saying that disastrous times is where you find the most peace , Gawd no , those times are heart racing, blood pumping, wish i would wake up from this nightmare times, it is only after that you realize that you got down to the business of simplifying what really mattered , pursued that and in turn maybe in the end whichever way life goes that will be the peace in it all . Life doesn't have to be about fulfilling what the world tells you your dreams are, it is trying to live on a higher human platform of awareness and what can happen in the blink of an eye , what can slap me upside my complaisant puney self and open my eyes to things i’d be much more comfortable not seeing . I guess it’s a choice , you wanna be comfortable or you wanna be human , being human is often times living with the absence of peace but looking back on it finding peace in the decisions you made in that time and lifting one another up. In a strange way comfort/peace can be found in knowing that there is likely someone who has it harder than i do today ,no matter what the situation is, yet not trying to take away from someone’s worst possible day.

I sit here in my quiet, very quiet home, listening to Pachabel’s Cannon and peace has washed over me and not because i know i’m getting the bed to myself tonight but because it’s one of those mundane moments, realizing it could change in a moment , that i am acutely aware of those who are not having a peaceful moment and want so desperately to cut off a slice of my mundane-ness for them until they get a little break to strengthen them again. Many prayers, deep soul prayers for those that can’t find peace today, you are not alone.

Peace,

Lori

Lesson Learned

Lesson learned

Lowey Family·Wednesday, January 4, 2017

It’s been an interesting new year already in the Lowey house lately. Recently my car was totalled , i’m fine , it happened in our driveway, someone took the corner too fast and sent my car ( in my driveway) flying across the yard ...it was a hit and run and despite the plethra of evidence including video camera evidence and the license plate of the perpetrator left behind in our yard ( bahaha) she is young and is some how denying this , i wonder if her parents know, if they are protecting her.

Christy turned 22 on New Years eve . It seems like yesterday , (seriously not trying to be cliche) that i was in the hospital delivering her , she was my winter baby and for several years that was our New Years eve ...Christy’s birthday, of course as they get older the last thing they wanna do is spend NYE with their parents but hard to know when to let go ...speaking of letting go , Stefanny moved out on New Years day, not far , Cloverdale , my sister’s basement suite, but still a new adjustment and obvious void in the house.

I think , looking back , as you’re raising your kids, that although the end game is to prepare them for life, you never really imagine what that day will be like , of course you’re teaching them lessons and obvious coping skills for the real world you don’t really envision that day coming. Sarcastically speaking, there are days you fantasize about turning their room into some sort of sanctuary of peaceful bliss , whatever that means to you , hobby room , sewing room ( not me!) wine tasting room , lol but when they leave and the room is empty suddenly it’s just bare and echoey (word?) But i kinda think i might have screwed up one ( at least one) of the life skills.

When i was growing up in North Vancouver i was very reliant on the bus system , my father left at a young age and my single mother did not drive , i will spare you the stories of having to walk miles to school in the blizzardy snow , cause i think that exaggeration has been done to death by every generation of parent , but i did take the bus to school , as a a matter of fact this is kind of how i met Darcy , we lived across the street from each other and one day i was standing at the bus stop in the pouring rain and his mom stopped to ask if needed a ride ( i later found out that he made her stop and offer me a ride lol) It was an awkward car ride ( he was a huge pest in school) and i kinda felt like a drowned waif of a girl silently sitting in the back seat of their station wagon being examined and interrogated by his 3 year old brother ...awkward!!! the rest is history. Point being , i always envied kids who got driven to school , picked up from soccer practice and I, stoically saying “ no no it’s ok , i’ll walk” , meanwhile wishing i had taken the ride , ugh. Jump ahead 10-15 years to raising my own school aged children and thinking i was super mom by ensuring my children were driven to and from school , events and what have you , like obnoxious doorfront service. As matter of fact anytime the kids ( mine et al ) would suggest taking the bus i would jump up and offer rides... skytrain ??? you gotta be kidding me, even though i rode those things like a rockstar at their age. I thought i was doing everyone a favour , perhaps i got visions in my head of some poor stranded kid , lost and waify alone at a bus stop , hated that vision and subconsciously ( or obsessively ) i guess thought i was doing them a service...i was not !

Skip ahead another 10 years and i realize i kinda dropped the ball. Along with my well commuter educated sister we taught Stef the bus route to her school in New West,it had been a long time since i navigated the mean streets of the city and i was agahst at the changes and navigational wit it requires to be a modern day commuter , more nerve racking than driving at times. Stef was fine, i was uprooted from my comfort zone and heated seats like a fish outta water . It is day 2 of her commuting on her own ( obviously she doesn’t want her mommy escorting her to school everyday , damn!) . Point being i guess is this ....the hardknocks you think you grew up with that you think you want to protect your child from , may in fact be the very life lessons that made you who you are today and while it is ok to cushion some of those crappy experiences don’t shelter them completely from them , they are in fact invaluable life strategy lessons. I suppose this can be true with other life lessons too , coping with money ( or a lack there of ) getting up on time, chores, taking responsibility even if it will cause punishment, etc etc ...i ask myself now “ what am i robbing my kids of if i do this for them ?” Lesson learned!

Today

 Today Dec 16 2016

Can hardly believe that today marks the ninth anniversary of the date we heard the second most devastating 4 words of our lives. If i’m sadistic enough i can close my eyes and feel the trembling of my soul , i can still feel the poisonous choke in my throat and yes i am just that sadistic , as normal as my day was today ...went to work , complained , ordered a pizza went to Walmart bla bla bla i did stop several times throughout the day just to be torcher myself voluntarily to see if i could feel the pain and fear of 9 years ago . About this time i was pacing halls at the old Abbotsford hospital waiting for an ambulance to take us to a foreign land of sick and injured children , a place i had only been a spectator at a few times thoroughout my life and knowing that as normal as my day had begun i would never feel that sense of complacency again. Time is a funny thing it puts big space between an event and slightly drifts you farther away from the wreckage but sometimes you just need to feel it again so you can be closer to it because you don't want time to take away everything , the dichotomy of time i suppose

The F Word

The “F” Word

Lowey Family·Thursday, July 7, 2016

My favourite thing about summer in the Fraser Valley is berry picking , i didn’t grow up in these parts ,so when we moved to Abbotsford when the kids were small i made it a yearly tradition , call me nuts because berry picking with little ones is equivalent to trying to catch raindrops in your hand, not much accumulates. Blueberries are my favourite and exceptionally early this year so when we brought home a couple buckets this past weekend i washed them and laid them out to snack on , which in my mind was a great alternative to chocolate covered almonds. After a few handfuls i noticed that my mouth was itchy, after several more handfuls , i realized at the ripe old age of 50 ( in 2 weeks ) i have, at this stage of the game , developed an aversion or allergy to one of my sweet indulgences...are you fricken kidding me ...which brings me to my point...The “F” word....FIFTY.

Now i know i have a few 1966’ers in this audience so hopefully we are sharing an experience here , one i have never felt before...what the hell just happened , when did 50 sneak up on us. Please don’t write me back and say in your existentialist voice “50 is just a number “ duh! I know that , i passed grade one math , but you know that 13 is just a number, as is 666, say those numbers out loud and they hold some sort of significance in most people’s minds , no? Somewhere between 40 , (well even 49) and 50 there appears to be some invisible threshold that transports you to a new playing field and a magical silent bucket list inevitably begins to formulate in the depths of your sagging storehouse of cynicism and sarcasm

The difficult part of 50 is that i think most people can admit they are not likely to live until 100 ( yea yea bla bla bla we’re living longer, medical advancements , bla bla bla) but i watch Global news and during one of the segments on the news they publically acknowledge those turning 100 or more , what i notice is that there is typically only one or two a day , if any, that’s because living to 100 is a great feat i suppose ...50 is half of 100 if you didn’t already know ...49 is half of 98 but you don’t see 98 ers being acknowledged on Global News , so living to be 98 is no big deal i guess ,but living to 100 obviously is, however, the way the world is going , would i even want to. There is a secret little place inside each bereaved parent ( who believes that there is something beyond this life ) that each day we are a bit closer to seeing our child , so i’m not whinning about dying at this point , i’m just wondering ...now what? Anybody else wondering now what?

I don’t mean “now what” in this huge grand decision of “what to do with the rest of my life” I’m not going back to school to gain a PHd in English Lit or Art History , I’m not on an Eat Pray Love journey , I’ not running away to Saltspring Island to take up the flute and grow out all my body hair until i shine like sterling silver, my career is what it is , its’ not always an easy job ( compounded issues when you’ve lost a child but...) much of it is frustrating and heartbreaking but for now at best it’s a necessary job. I consider myself a fairly grounded person, cynical at times with a few quirks that keep me sane/insane ( fine line) I’ve seen the Good , Bad and Ugly of this city , my world , this global world so i know my place in it , kinda, know what i should be doing , kinda and definitely know where i’m falling short.

Since the buzz word of “bucket list “ became a thing ( thanks to some stupid movie) i have questioned a few people on what their bucket list looks like and i gotta say i’m looking a little lame ...stuck somewhere between philosophies of “live simply and appreciate the little joys and run out and grab the world by the ...”i don’t have any desire to jump out of a plane , i don’t think it has anything to do with fear , but in saying that i’ve faced enough fears in life that i don’t have any desire to chase fears that i don’t have to, period. Travel? mmm yeah , to a point , there’s a few places i’d like to see, mostly i’d love to experience the Northern lights from a very northern point. ( i love anything that luminates, i told you i was quirky) I’d like to learn to surf , I want to read a few very important books , yes the classics...Little Women , i stopped at page 157 the night i read to Ashley before she passed away and haven’t been able to pick it back up , I really should find out what happens at the end ...and the Bible , i have 100 pages left , Old Testament and it’s mind boggling and i’m a little worried i’ll be even more confused at the end ...my faith remains strong but my understanding is a work in progress and i don’t want it tampered with too much. I want to continue with running but don’t have that “marathon “ appetite at this point ( i prefer treadmills, i’m a glutton for constant digital feedback) i would like to write something other than observational reports at work and facebook blogs. Mostly I want to see my children grow to be loving caring capable yet gentle humans with a strong faith to carry them through all of life and yes i look forward to grandchildren ( okay not anytime soon , no rings yet lol)

So there it is in all it’s quirkiness, what about you , are you facing a similar age/ life milestone, what’s on your list , what wisdom can you impart on this old broad.

50 and feelin it ‘

Peace,

lori

Living Vicariously

Several years ago i attended a job workshop entitled “Vicarious Trauma” i suppose the title is self explanatory but basically it was discussing self-care in the helping field, often times when dealing with someone else’s trauma in can adversly effect the “helper”. I can’t remember the antidote or recommendation or self care techniques they encouraged (sometimes i tend to drift off during workshops) i imagine it was a long walk on the beach or a bubble bath etc bla bla bla. I always thought the title seemed a bit”woe is me “ considering someone else is living the trauma and here we are concerned about how it will effect “me” peripherally.

I speak of this now as the Christmas season is upon most of us and the world around us lately just seems off kilter .I am speaking vicariously ... I did not have to vote in the US election and though it will effect Canadians to some degree i’m glad i am not an American in these days, my child did not attend Abby Senior nor does she know any of the victims, we are no longer in the childhood cancer hospital routine , i have not been effected by Fetanyl tragedies , i am not inflicted with daily pain , i am not ( as far as i know ) getting divorced . Why do i mention these things ? Because if you aren’t dealing with the really really hard stuff and your life is status quo , maybe a few of life’s everyday situations then really you’ve got it all. I am not trying to sound like one of those annoying facebook meme’s that has life all tied up with a bow in a sentence or two.

The world is hurting ,the world is on fire and much of the news from across the world (and home) is so hard to grasp and has become so “everyday’ that we become more effected by an SPCA commercial then we are about children being blown up in Aleppo. Typically this time of year does a real number on me , we are approaching the anniversary of diagnosis day and that our lives will never truly be the same but what i have learned especially about this time of year is that it can be a very difficult time for many , Christmas will not be merry , Christmas will not be status quo , it will be a new normal for many, it will be reinventing the wheel , wanting to hide, feeling left out ...it is important to give financially this time of the year where you can , many of the charities depend on the giving spirit to sustain them throughout the year but just as importantly is recognizing that if this is a status quo year for you , then be over the moon with the normalness because next year or the year after things may look very different .

Be mindful of the the people you have on Facebook as you post your Merry Christmas plans etc. Be gentle with those whose plans/life have been turned upside down , don’t get bogged down by the absolute waste of time , money and energy “things” There are still days i wish i could close my eyes and wake up in the New Year. Every morning when i turn on the computer my first few updates are from a site of bereaved parents of Childhood Cancer, many of the entries are new inductees , raw , broken , hopeless, frustrated with people who ( i assume) are trying to find the right words to say to them and often times say hurtful things ...God DID NOT need another angel !!!! God is not punishing you , things Do NOT happen for a fricken reason ( well not in the existential way , like obviously if you drive 100mph towards a brick wall then yea you’re gonna die ...so yeah the reason you died is cause you drove 100 mph into a brick wall , duh ..) but no ,not a divine intervention reason , ugh!

So be with the broken , do not expect anything from them, be mindful of them , get them through , be practical and don’t forget them 2 weeks after their tragedy , it is often weeks down the line when the pain truly sets in, try not to walk away saying “thank God it’s not me “and return to your “merry little Christmas” ( sorry that sounded kinda catty) There will be people this year in the stores and malls who will have to leave the store because hearing “ i’ll have a blue Christmas without you” will send them running for the exit doors , be mindful of your Christmas cards , include their loved ones name in some form , Christmas may still have to go on for them but offer to Christmas shop for them , bring them a meal , bring them wine , cry with them , like ugly cry with them . bring them a soft blanket , soup , don’t ask them why they don’t have a tree, give them a hand massage ( do not underestimate this , it is therapeutic) take care of their children , take them on an outting ( for more ideas just message me ) If you say your sending prayers then get down on your knees and pray for them , i mean right down , crickity ole knees and all and pray something meaningful, peace , comfort , wisdom. Speak their loved ones name , help them to honor their loved one in a meaningful way ( message me for more ideas on this ).

Our lives will never be “normal “ again and often when i had heard others who have gone through similar say “it gets easier” i thought to myself well maybe for you but i don’t think it’s gonna be that way for me ( i guess like somehow i loved my child more than they loved theirs, i don’t know ) There is a sense of some routine restored or reinvented i guess, we don’t have it all figured out but somehow time and space do provide a sense of a scab over the wound.

Life is not always a Currier and Ives greeting card. So yes live a bit vicariously through or with someone else this year and may you truly appreciate the absolute bliss of normalness .

Peace

p.s i just looked up the word normalness , it’s not really a word but i think it should be

Lost in Mexico

April 12, 2015 at 9:37pm

Well it's day 3 back from Mexico and feeling a bit chilly, a bit lost as i cannot seem to find someone to fill my margerita cup, ugh that sounds a bit entitled.

I will spare you from boring details and  pictures of someone else's boring adventures except to say that we did have a   trip of a lifetime , the last time we were in Mexico was shortly after  Ashley passed so it was more like an escape from  our grim reality , this time was a bit more about  truly appreciating where we are today , in that moment and  trying a few things we've never done before , including  tagging along a couple  boyfriends (the girls , not mine) , wow what a difference in our lives and spans  from 6 years ago, my kids have  grown up  and Mexico was  a true yardstick for that measurement of time.

Our resort was lovely and frankly i would be happy in a grass shack on a white sand, blue sea  shore anywhere in Mexico  but this place was huge, a few differences from our last place but nothing even worth mentioning , the most important  attribute was  how friendly the staff were , i swear i must have said hola 200 times a day in reply , we were situated close to the quaint little  town of Bucerias  so we were able to  walk /ride bikes there ,  Darcy and i ventured off ( aka  got lost) into  some less than  quaint streets of "real " Mexico and  got a glimpse of "out of resort" life , as eye opening as it was  it was one of my highlights . We enjoyed  para sailing boogie boarding  massages on the beach  ( by a professional , not  our lame ass massages) ATV'g  seadooing and  a sailing adventure to Maredias to scuba dive ...spectacular , the evening shows were incredible and we were able to spend some time getting to know stef
's friends parents who were also on the trip ...one night we were leaving the lounge and up the street out of the resort i could hear singing  being belted out of the nearby sports bar , i wondered why that  voice sounded so familiar  and yes it was my karaoke  Stefanny belting out some  tune i had never heard before, did i mention Stef has a little wild side.

So to say the trip was perfect would nearly be an understatement and my only regret or preparation for next time would be to speak the language , maybe getting lost  would be a little less intimidating if i could say something more than  hola and mojito and gracias, seriously now .
So perfect  as it was right up to the last evening , my only  thing left on the list of stuff i wanted to do was to get a family pic on the beach at sunset , easy, right ? We gathered at the beach and because i had been so careful to remove my necklace during  our excursions i remembered to put it on for the picture , i wanted Ashley in the picture , if you're confused let me explain , my necklace ( well, we all have one ) is an angel which  contains Ashleys ashes in it so you can imagine the  sentiment. As i was attempting to put in on  the clasp came away and i  kinda got worried about  how safe it would be to wear so just as i was putting it away in my bag the necklace  swung in front of the picture that i quickly tried to snap of the girls , i took 3 steps and felt the  medallion hit my foot and fall , i immediately fell to my knees trying not to disturb it  but it wasn't there it wasn't where it was supposed to be , i started to panic and pretty soon all of us were looking for it but the more you moved , the more likely it was  to  fall beyond the surface , like quicksand , pretty soon others joined the search and as more joined the  worse i felt , the stupider i felt , i'm sure they were wondering what the big deal was ," it's only a material thing , you can get another one "  perhaps the people we were vacationing with  got the   word out because  somehow  the dig became a little more intense and  before i knew it there were 15-20 extra people  helping  the number kept growing , we had a rake and  a sand grater, flip flops  for  gridding and the sun was going down, fast .Little kids started helping and as much as i wanted to hug their  chubby little faces i wanted to scream" stop digging  you little monsters you're making it worse" as the sun was  fading fast so  was my hope , i could not bare the fact of leaving  Ashley behind ,i know its only symbolic but i felt like such a bad mom , i lost my child on the beach . Soon Darcy was  convincing me to let it rest for the night  and pick it up in the morning , i had to let it go,   the next day  was our last day  we only had a few  short hours left in Mexico and i didn't know how to wrap my head around it , this must all sound so silly  but that's how my crazy mind works . I couldn't sleep all night and kept trying to  relive the moment  when  i dropped it  recreating the picture i took to give me a better location ...i got up and headed to the beach  at  dawn and as i approached the beach it didn't look the same, the area seemed different but i started skimming the surface of already  dug up sand and as i said a little prayer ...just like  direct irony to the prayer i could hear the sand grating machines starting up and heading my way , i wanted to run  in front and throw myself down and give them what few pesos i had left to just shut down there  stupid machines, like really do you really need to  sift the sand ...ugh!  A few minutes later  Darcy came  sauntering by , i was really hoping not to get  a whole speel on  "safe places to keep jewelry in Mexico" the problem with  this sweet little medallion is that its no longer  shiny silver , its actually  the color of Mexican sand ..people were starting to gather on the beach , i'm not sure whether to  help , watch ,or  witness the crazy lady flipping sand about the beach , either way i was in a  zone , the  minutes were ticking down like sand in an hourglass ( and so are the days of out lives , forgive the soap operatic moment) and  i tried  resolving this emotionally and mentally and physically ....then i heard  the sound of triumph ..."OLE" and Darcy's  arms  fling up in the air and  beach break out into applause , i fell forward onto the warm beautiful Mexican sand and thanked God , thanked Darcy and burst into tears  , it was lost and now its found , those people , those funny sweet  people that you know you're never gonna  see ever again in your life  that stopped what they were doing  even for a few moments and  dug in , put aside there own stuff and in the end  rejoiced along with us. Of course  we told ourselves silly little tings like "Ashley just wanted to spend a night on the beach " " she didn't like the picture i took " " wanted to have some fun with us " not easy to do for a concrete thinker but i'll take it ...so the trip was  wonderful and meaningful and peaceful in so many ways , were home and don't think for a moment Darcy is not taking full advantage of  payback for his heroism

What i think i know so far ( Grief)

February 16, 2015 at 10:04pm

Today, like every other Feb 16th for the past 6 years ( well 5 ) i get up in the morning thankful for the weather because either way it doesn't matter, if it's sunny  then naturally it gives me a boost  but if its raining or snowing i can comfortably curl up on the couch and  block out the world for the day. I set out and stop at  the florist and buy flowers , usually carnations or  a festive looking bouquet , today they had some pretty valentine bouquets with hearts... and ...no i wasn't trying to be  cheap it was that it looked like love to me so i  brought them to the counter  and the lady asks me if i want them wrapped ...no, i say..she asks me if i'm sure " people really like to see a  pretty wrapped bouquet " "mmmhhmm" i replied "but no it's ok " strange look from  her but what was i gonna say " they're going into a graveside marker , what's the point", why ruin her day ...off to the dollar store for 10-12  balloons helium filled and" let me get outta here fast so i can start my hibernation thing" ...customer behind me " oh do you have a birthday party today too?" ...me "ummm , no " then the cashier chimes in  " a belated  valentines party ? she asks and giggles ( yes they were valentines  balloons... well heart ones and ones that say i love you, how fitting)  i started to say no then just gave in and said "yea sure " the ugly part of me wanted to shout "shut up can't a person buy  balloons with out the 3rd degree , if you really must know  they are for my daughter , she's 16 and i will be lying  them at her grave today"  Thank God that is a very tiny voice that only rears it's ugly head inside my  own head ,not to worry  it's swirled amongst a bunch of other voices that randomly  spout out  random things at random times ...i think i've probably  shared more insight into  my brain activity for the day so i shall move on.

This year felt particularly difficult it was physiological , lots of tummy aches and  anxiety and so on and so on for all of us, i think part of it was because the week has come full circle ,it is a Monday again , she passed on a Monday , maybe  we felt the days deeper this year , maybe they brought back more memories or connections , i don't know , it's grief , there's no explanation. I see on facebook they are trying to make BC's Family Day the 3rd Monday in February to coordinate with some of the other provinces, well that is going to be twisted irony every 6 years ...ugh. Thank you all for your continued support and remembrance of Ashley. We released balloons today and as we set them free mine and Darcy's got tangled up together(hope im not pregnant...kidding ) and they sailed away trying to catch up to  the girls balloons ...story of our lives...lol

On this 16th of February, 6 years to the date of Ashley's passing , i have come to know  many things i wish i didn't know  but in some weird way have gained value from knowing them. This has not been an easy ride,  sometimes i think i'm living someone else's life , i still wake up  some mornings and wonder  how i got here, wonder how i'm going to put my feet on the floor and face the day and to tell you the truth  some days , the really bad days i just don't bother , but those days have  become further  and further apart , so i suppose that is in some definition ; healing , although it doesn't really ever feel like it. But here goes , here are some things, some absolutes i've learned along the way, what i know for sure

Bad things happen to good people . Period. But...
Good things happen to bad people , the thing is though, i think we all have good and bad in us , so defining good and bad is subjective , good and bad will happen to all.

You can feel safe and scared as hell in a hospital , often simultaneously

Nothing , nothing, prepares you for tragedy, it takes your breath away , brings you to your knees and makes primitive noises come out of  your soul ,it burns , that is when you know you are living a tragedy , a true tragedy , not a cliche tragedy

People will disappoint you, but you will likely disappoint  others it's called  being human , forgive

Use your tragedy, calamity , trial , tribulation whatever you call it as experience , use that  to be on the look out for others going through something similar  and aid , help , assist, comfort  whatever you call it just do it , someone , somewhere will need your strength  and experience , your pathos may lead  their way. This is one of the best ways to cope with grief.

There is always someone who has it worse than you

Saying "i just want to be happy " is like saying i only want to be part human

Everything happens for a reason ...hog wash...i find that it helps me more to think that things happen and we can find purpose  from it

This too shall pass

The bible verse " God doesn't give you more than you can handle " is misquoted and  harmful, we are not meant to "handle " difficulties on our own, that is why we have a God. The verse actually refers to temptation not being able to overtake you , God will provide a way out.

Grief is not linear or lateral and the "5 stages of grief " are like an unfinished recipe. i can think of 10 more off the top of my head . There is no right way to grieve , it can look odd sometimes

Time does not "heal" it provides a scab over a hurt

losing a dog is not like losing a child , do not defend this unless you've lost both

Although losing a child is said to be the greatest loss , i will never say im in more pain than you, my worst pain and your worst pain is one's worst pain at that particular moment

You do not have to be in an obvious "helper" type job such as a nurse pastor  social worker dr  whatever to make a difference and show compassion in your job. One of the people that touched us the most during our journey at BCCH was the food porter , i can't describe it  but it's the way he brought her food , sometimes, the smell of it  ( from chemo) was enough to throw her into  vomit fits , he was so compassionate and would check before he  brought her food and smile so tenderly at her . I also remember the  housekeeping , the mopping they would have to do in her room , they didn't complain or make anyone feel bad it was almost like an honour for them , just so respectful, these acts of compassion brought tears to our eyes many a days

I have not lost a sibling , i have only witnessed it and it appears to be a loss of the possibility of the longest  relationship they would have ever had and all that that beholds

Hope is fluid and often changes form

I'm not exactly clear on prayer and miracles, but i don't think God says "you didn't pray hard enough" so hearing  how hard someone else prayed and had a good outcome  can be difficult to hear, i know many who never prayed at all and had a better outcome and others who prayed stedafasted(ly) and did not

Life is not fair

We are all on our own spiritual journey , some are further ahead , it's not a race with someone else

Jesus turned water into wine

Doctors are not God nor should they have the burden placed upon them ( hard lesson)

People will say really stupid things to you in your time of pain , i think it's inherent to say something to someone but it's ok to say nothing and just be

Sometimes in these circumstances it will be people you never expected to be there for you  and the ones you expect to be aren't

Tragedy and major loss in a family changes  a family  some things obviously for the negative but from the ashes  there are gifts, you come to know very deep aspects of the others soul, like uncorking a buried part of them.

Time is a double edged sword , it softens hard memories but it fades the good memories too

There is always something to be grateful for

No gesture is too small when comforting someone in pain

Grievers like to hear their  lost one's name

There is a God and there is peace in knowing that this world is temporary  that we are here to love our neighbour and we shall see our loved one's again and what a glorious day that will be.

Peace

Simplicity

Simplicity
Well it's that time of year again and my message is the same , perhaps it goes out to those who are unsure what to do with themselves as this month sweeps most people up in merry sense of busy-ness. There aren't too many gifts i consider valuable this time of year but one i guess i try to remember and keep close to my heart is that Christmas CAN be something different than what the world dictates to me, it can be simple , un-grand , basic, it can be for-going of the unnecessary , this isn't being scroogy it's time spent with loved ones , a fine meal and if finances happen to treat you to a bonus then sure, ....gift giving. Religiously speaking, the bible does not really dictate the exact birth of Christ but can be a time to be grateful for the birth of a Savior . I think i now happen to know more people , through similar journeys and the clients i see at work that Christmas has become a struggle for many people to get through, this is unfortunate because the bar has been set so high in western culture to provide some idealistic , magical , super hero Christmas, seems to me by watching people who serve others, somehow it takes the focus off the unnecessary... if you struggle at Christmas it's ok to set the bar lower, be gentle with yourself and don't get caught up on the things you just can't do and feel pressured to do. Having said that , i am grateful if i can just get through this holiday, this month, in peace, i thought i was nearly half way through until i got a phone call on Friday night, i happen to be bell ringing for Christmas kettles with Brittanny's Youth Group on Friday night when i got the dreaded phonecall ... "the girls have been in a car accident", after several explatives that i tried to hush ( as i mentioned i was with the church youth group ...yikes) my body went into that all familiar frozen mode, numb from the brain down. "Really God ? you see where i am right now, right? not that i ring bells to ensure my kids safety and health forever and ever but cmon , now? Once i was able to hustle my terrorized butt out of there i still had a 20 min drive home to grab Darcy and go....oh there's a treat , waking my husband and relaying this info...have you ever tried waking a bear out of hibernation to tell him winter's not really over...this poor man sleeps in startle mode most of non waking hours(battlescars) ...needless to say we were out the door and into that strange familiar December soul-cold air that i hadn't felt in several years, headed for E. Hastings and Kennsington in seconds... but what do you know there's an accident 3 cars ahead of us on the freeway. Mom of the passenger (Jen ) happen to make it to accident scene before us and decided to take the girls to the hospital and meet us there ...Once we met them at the hospital i was able to see them , bruised and battered from the airbags deploying, but alive , walking and besides a very swollen botox-looking lip on Logan, recognizable ...oh did you notice i said Logan , yes Logan the child with umpteen brain tumors ( friends from our time at BCCH) of course i was worried about Christy , her pain she would feel in the next couple days , her ego , her emotions but i just needed to hear that Logan suffered no trauma to anything above her plump lip. Triggers were misfiring in all departments of my body. Once again i found myself sitting next to a familiar friend who i really hoped that i would never have to encounter in a hospital again ...but she was cool as a cucumber , maybe all those years in oncology, this is nothing, this isn't Children's, this is some weird kind of everyday normal kid thing , not to say she wasn't concerned , just a different perspective i guess... i could use a dose of that, and no we had no oncology parent Ativan drug dealing ..(oops i meant sharing ) going on either ... Anyways we all got to leave the hospital at the same time, the cold air blasting me in the face again, this time it seemed slightly warmer... these besties sporting matching hospital bracelets ... some kinda cute memory for them ...some kinda weird torment for us. Oh and Stef poor Stef in all this . her car , Christy borrowed it and well lets just say i think we're car shopping again , minor damage but air bags went off so its probably a done deal. Well yesterday marked the 6th anniversary of diagnosis day and today the day i first encountered her oncologist at BCCH...K.S. not the easiest relationship i've ever had but it's not one that should even exist if we were in a perfect world, so ...i'll leave it at that.... bid you all a very peaceful time , may you all experience the possibility of simplicity and peace and giving and gratitude and a year of God's strength and grace for whatever lies a ahead

A lesson in letting go....

Ok , i haven't written in a few months and today provided me  with enough material to write a book. Give you some backstory  first...a few months ago Christy had made the decision to investigate missions trips , did her research and  chose OM Canada and a short missions to Chile , although very excited for her and her  decision to use her talents with  teaching young children  her dad and i were quite hesitant and a little fed up with people saying "she'll be just fine " ...."really ...do you have a crystal ball? would you have said that to me  when  Ashley was  having cramps that lead to  an ultrasound and so  on and so on , just because  something tragic has happened to one of your children does not give you a free pass on the rest of your children , the world does not work like that....Anyways, we finally came to the conclusion that she is 18  nearly 19 and will do what she chooses to do  and really this is something selfless and  in her words  God driven, it's not like she was going on a  3 week booze cruise to  Mexico...  so priorities right , convictions right? Anyways , she fundraised shared her  heartfelt testimony  managed to get the time off at a fairly new job and communicated the  paperwork etc to get this going, HOWEVER, the mom part of me  would consistently ask her questions re the trip , the  particulars , itinerary etc, answers were met by "I got this don't worry, I can do it myself" ....Folks, this is not like helping your child  prepare for her gr 7 camp or band trip this was a lesson in letting go ...yesterday ,i had noticed that she was barely packed , i asked her if she needed help , i may well have just asked her if she wanted me to go with her ..."Christy do you have appropriate shorts to wear there (its 27 deg) and not your daisy dukes for crying out loud"... "MOM i'll get some" .. (this is 24 hours  prior to trip) . Jump ahead mid afternoon, day before trip,  she starts making cupcakes  to take to her coworkers ( we're not allowed any by the way) then off to lunch with friends ...now i'm cringing , she strolls in at 4 ish with her friend,  i order her favorite dinner and suggest we all watch a movie, movie finishes around 8 and she decides she has to go get a travel convertor because ours is not the  right one..phones me an hour later to  inform me she and Stef are  going out for her friends bday dessert at Cactus Club , now i'm in panic mode. strolls in at 10 p.m. , packs a bit more , never did get her  convertor. The next morning 7:30 am (90 mins prior to leaving for airport,) she takes her time curling her hair , picking an outfit, doing her make up and getting dressed, at 8 am informs us she's gotta go drop off her  cupcakes at work then  drop a bday card off for her friend and pick up a travel convertor .."ugh all these things i/she could have done a week ago " she strolls in the door  at 8:55 ... the rest of us  have out coats on standing at the door,  with her luggage inn our hands ready to go , she heads back to the bathroom to finish winding her hair around  her curling rod and telling us to relax ."CHRISTY we have to go " ...."k well i have to  send an email from my phone to the computer and print it off first "  41 flippin pages later ( no joke) and just what is this document ???? a handbook of all the answers to questions i had been  asking for months...are you kidding??????????
Ok now were at the airport, not that i expected some hallmark moment at Air Canada departures but if you want the rundown on that  slice of heaven i'm sure you can catch it on some episode of  Candid Camera or  airport security cameras "teenage daughter blasts family "i can do it myself" it;'s alright and by the end of it we were all laughing and shaking our heads, really did you expect any less /more .
Needless to say it's been a stressful week , with the passing of my dad ( almost a year to the day of  Darcy's dad's passing ) We had intended to visit him on the Sunday so Christy could say her possible last goodbye's but  as fate has it  cancer had other  ideas ...stupid cancer full of so many evils, he passed way  2days prior. Once again i would like to thank everyone for their support and condolences and prayers not only for our loss but also for the prayers of support in letting go. It's been a few days since i started this  entry and we have spoken to Christy who seems to be in her  element , yesterday she was playing  soccer in the courtyard with children from the orphanage, nothing like living vicariously through your children ...hahaha.
Meanwhile on the homefront we are preparing for yet another driver in the house , thankfully she has purchased her own car so mine will be slightly more preserved , strange thing letting go , whether it's your  children or your parents , there has to be some sort of resolve , some sort of que sera sera moment when you let be  what will let be , make peace with it and know God is with us in all circumstances , perhaps not changing the circumstances, but walking with us through it .
p.s. Christy if you're reading this  Dad has been driving you Land Rover , Stef's wearing your clothes and Britt's sleeping in your bed...Just sayin.

Peace and Joy,
Lori

Original written date dec 16 2012

Time and Faith and  Hope and a  Bunch of other Stuff


Time seems to be spinning at a new rate or what they say about getting older and time is really true because i can't seem to keep up , maybe i just don't want to because i don't really like the deception of time lately. Yes , i know that this time of year does a little number on my sanity , perhaps even more this year as we recently reached the 5 year mark of Ashley's diagnosis...5YEARS , what ??? As i sat around on Dec 16 feeling a bit sorry for myself i couldn't help but think of 20 new members inducted into the grieving parents club, allbeit very different circumstances...i watched the President and various clergy address the grief in Newtown and thought about the various ways evil in this world snatch our children away from us , they come in different forms i suppose . gun wielding disturbed individuals , poverty , illness, regardless they all take large numbers of children every year and it is unfortunately something i don't think is necessarily going to go away in our lifetime . I wonder how these families are going to get through this, especially this time of year which kinda brings me to my point about setting Christmas "frivolousness"  so far up on a pedestal that its a huge fall down when celebrating seems impossible for whatever reason at some point in your life, just enjoy the closeness of family , the reverence of the simple message and don't get to wrapped up in what doesn't or shouldn't belong.I was actually surprised to see how spiritual / religious  North America or maybe just this small town appeared to be, maybe they were in the middle of some bible belt , some unsuspecting sweet little place where evil normally doesn't enter, apparently evil knows no bounds ...but neither does light ...i'm glad were still looking for Good and God amongst the darkness and holding out hope for a time and place that are beyond this earthly realm as we know it now , a place where these children will walk and play and run and giggle without a care , for now their parents are left attempting to convince the siblings left behind that there's no such thing as monsters. There are monsters little ones , we can call them murderers , guns , mental illness, cancer , terrorism , whatever and we can fight against it (and we should ) remembering that it unfortunately in this world just takes on a different form , because it is evil and that's what evil does... it slaps us upside our finite minds and catches us unprepared and leaves us  craving for something, we need to be careful because evil wants us to crave more evil , light and goodness wants us to remember we have faith and hope in a something bigger and  better... we just can't see his face and can't personally have him  answer our questions  right this minute , it is a fallen world for now, the result of free will ,but a time will come when we are all reunited , no more tears , no more pain , sorrow or suffering , it is written.
Never really sure whether i'm looking forward to a new year or not , we think "this year's gotta be better than the last" but who know's, it's only a date that changes so i guess it's what you make it and besides a continuing journey in this weird road it was good mixed with bad, guess that's what they call life , who gets to live without bad ??? no one escapes i guess , some people's "bad " just has a different definition sometimes ( can be frustrating ). We lost Darcy's dad a few weeks ago so yeah some bad mixed in with the good of  Ashley's book "The Golden Butterfly " reaching  special places and people...speaking of which, the  book is now available at The House of James in Abbotsford, exciting. When i was in grade 2 we had to write this little book called "Fortunately , Unfortunately " each page would outline a "fortunately "statement negated on the next page by an "unfortunately " statement , it actually got quite annoying and minotinous ...life though, right? So here goes ...Fortunately we have 2 L drivers, so soon i won't be a taxi ..unfortunately new drivers can get the gas mixed up with the brake resulting in an uprooted tree and serious front end damage...fortunately everyone was ok . Unfortunately serious cuts to Social Service programs...Fortunately i still have "at least" a p/t job, able to pay the 2 ICBC deductibles ...yes i said 2 , i had a little incident with the courtesy car , cracked the bumper , forgot i wasn't driving my truck....lol.
Guess this is a version of staying positive, having hope , faith and knowing "this to shall pass" ....a gift of time i guess. May this gift of time be a blessing to you this year.

Lori

Peace ,
Lori

Finally here it is ...waiting to be revealed on Ashley's 20th Birthday

 ·

Okay, i've been holding onto this for just over  3 years and i can't think of a more appropriate time to tell the world, considering the day , Ashley's 20th Birthday and that i now have it in my hot little hands waiting to share it with you.
Anyways as most of you may know that Ashley began her spiritual journey sometime around the age of 11 or 12 , attending Cascade Youth Group , I won't say it was outta my comfort zone, it was just out of my norm , not having grown up with much religion or spirituality, but  i met the Youth Group leader at the time and i realized that Ashley had an instant connection to he , his family (Fransons) and the church , her faith blosssomed almost immediately and while she still remained a spunky stubborn tween she was committed and well on her way to being the leader she was created to be. Soon we all were attending and despite my husband's strict church upbringing we all regarded Cascade as a  place where Ashley grew up.
Most of you know the story to where we find ourselves today, Ashleys's 20th birthday and she not here in a physical sense , however that does not mean she hasn't left a piece of her here.
Shortly after Ashley's passing i was on the computer late one night , i mean really late like 2:00 am and i was opening up documents that needed to cleared of our incredibly slow (at the time ) computer ...i popped open a document and before me lie this gift , i swear it fell from above, it was a computer written document written by Ashley in early September 2008, i will always recall September because it was a  turning point in her illness , we were stoked that she was the second kid in North America to be getting  high tech genius experimental procedure that was going to be our "miracle" she was also very very sick from the treatment , so somewhere between getting the treatment and feeling the effects she wrote this story, she named the story "The Golden Butterfly " how absolutely fitting and when you read it you will know  why. I am not going to reveal the contents of the story on this cold machine because it has to be held , seen , savoured and i suspect it will mean very different things to different people , however, there is no mistaking her journey in this story, her faith , her hope , her message  and journey. I didn't know what to do with this story , hang onto it, treasure it away with her other things , tell everyone ..i waited until it nagged at me almost daily to do "something " i took it to my pastor(Ross) and he (and PR person, Deb) ) thought we should explore our options , we couldn't just leave it , after sending it off to a couple authors , publishers who had great things to say about it we decided (and my sister convinced me )that conventional publishing may adulterate the book and potentially i could lose control over content , i wanted it written true to form , with the changes only being gramatical. Several meetings , discussions with printers and designers as well as artwork compilations and communication between me and  my Bowen Island artist sister it was at last  ready for final print and guess when the pick up day was ...today ..now there's our miracle.
As difficult and as painful as this journey has been,it is nothing compared to what she had to endure and cope with , i am not saying she never asked why  and to this day i still don't really know "why' it is not an answer i will receive here...what i do know and have received from this story is that we are all here for a reason , no matter the length of our life, and once in awhile a Golden Butterfly may come into our life teach us a little something about faith ,prayer, being good  and the blessings in our life. I am so grateful to those that have supported , guided, kept the secret , contributed and been the tangible sources that have helped us believe In God his gifts and for that we have grown , continued healing and are now ready to present our "Golden Butterfly:" We will be having an official book launch at our church in July (TBA) we invite you to come share in our joy and gratitude. ..stay tuned... Much Love, Thanks and Peace.
p.s. a donation from the proceeds of each book will be made to one of Ashley's favourite chairites

There is a season....

Well today feels like the end of an era ...looking back, sorry to sound so cliche , but i can't believe how fast time speeds by, maybe it's the after 40 thing when life spins by so fast, you blink and another year has gone by. I often watch people who move slowly, every morning i see these  2 children( brother and sister) maybe like 7 and 9 years old, who walk by our house to school, by the time i have driven my older 2 to school and back, these kids have probably moved about half a block , i see them bending down  to study some crawling insect on the ground or pointing up to the sky as if seeing an elaborate masterpiece in the clouds , i look , i never see it , i wish i could. The crossing guard at Brittanny's school, he makes me stop and ponder my not really important as i make it "things to do list" as  i attempt to make a left hand turn but sit awaiting him to complete his conversation with a grade 2'er about his frog for "show and tell" in the middle of the intersection, if it weren't so comical it would be hair pulling frustrating , but it reminds me of how stupidly and quickly we run through life, clearly he is from another era, one where stopping and chatting with your neighbour took presidence over texting while driving and those kids probably from a different culture, one's you see in those parent's choice Robert Muncsh kinda books  that teach us to wonder and seek joy in everything , a lesson i thought i learned a few years ago but clearly need a reminder in the form of Nunavit children and 82 year old crossing guards every once in awhile Today marks the end of Britt's last day at elementary school, off to the big leagues of middle school in the fall, the jury's still out on whether i like this whole middle school thing, but like it or not,  off she goes, citizenship award in hand ( ok that was  a brag moment, sorry) Speaking of last days of school . i/we  now officially have a grad in our house , it has been an exciting time, we have now experienced what it feels like to sit in the audience among parents watching their child graduate, we got to sit with regular audience and not a separate, designated donor who only has the the lens of a " i wonder what that feels like " parent. we had the option of special seating this year to give out Ashley's scholarship but although we sat rows and rows away i was glad to be sitting there , watching her receive her diploma and  scholarship as tiny as she seemed and as far away as we were , it was where we needed to be, (well except for Darcy up front and centre snapping pics )
It has been a busy month and  while i'm at it let me just take this opportunity to thank our Ashley's Journey team for once again joining and supporting us on our Childrun earlier this month, have to say that although i don't believe time heals "all" wounds it does put some space between painful events. This is always an emotional month for us , season change , Ashley's birthday , butterflies, school endings and new beginnings often creates moments of flowing unexpected tears and recollection of time gone by. This year seems to be especially poignant or emotional ...Stefanny dealing with the suicide of an old friend has triggered conversations about mortality and youth, two words that should just not go together, meanwhile Christy is learning how teenage boyfriends are rarely an enduring relationship ( darcy was kind enough to spare her the "i told you so" despite his "all-knowingness...ugh"...think he forgot that some relationships do survive teenagehood, case in point. ...amazing what a hug and a "you're too good for him" will do though) needless to say , despite the terribly rainy day and indoor prom pictures , she looked beautiful and my , i mean her prom, was a memorable day , what a hoopla of shopping and prepping (and money ) that was. I would just like to say that once again we ( us , our children ) are blessed to have people that come alongside and lift them up , who take an interest , take them for coffee , advise , counsel and lend an ear , sometimes they just need to hear this from someone other than their parents who apparently "don't know nothing" ( yes i caught the double negative, but it was a direct quote , an indictment  of the Canadian Education system)
Anyways, a definite time of endings and beginnings and as i watched Britt and Lex pour themselves a bowl of cereal this morning before heading off on their last walk to elementary school i am reminded that there is a season for everything ... joy, sorrow, birthdays , angel days,middle school , college, yesterday, today , maybe tomorrow and slowing down  between it all... I and  my "to do " list isn't as important as i think it is. Enjoy the season.

Home

Well, I am happy to report that Christy made it home from Europe safe and sound, not to say that sending her off was an easy task , there were times i wanted to just say "stay home , you have plenty of years to travel , maybe when i'm long gone " but it was an opportunity to venture off and try something new, one of those things you wish you had done when you were young but never did, so you live it vicariously through your children. Darcy required some convincing , he has such a tough time with stuff like that so when Christy texted him at work to tell him she was stuck in some random  elevator in Greece i think it donned on him that he can't do much from here and that he has to let her figure things out on her own, she and the 6 other girls figured it out pretty quickly ...ah cutting of the apron strings....not an easy task. No worn out credit card and a safe trip home despite the Air Canada walk out and she is back to normal. Got me thinking how incredibly technological our world has become, years ago , we may have received a quick phone call to say they arrived safely and maybe a postcard arriving a day or two before their return , but today we have a little thing called facetime , i swear i saw this on a Jetsons episode when i was a kid, a quick click of a button on her ipod and we are communicating with her face to face in real time on Darcy's iphone, we could actually lay eyes on her and be reassured she is doing ok , and hey i actually got to see Turkey and Greece etc with my own eyes , mind you it was from her balcony but whatever it will have to do for now, now if only they could invent this technology to work from Heaven , hhmmm how wonderful that would be ,could you just imagine. i have put this trip of hers into that context several times and it especially hit me at the airport...it felt like we hadn't hugged her or cuddled her in so long so of course we are the first parents at the airport anxcious for her to get home , i imagine the sceanario quite similar to when we see Ashley again , hearing that the time has arrived,she has landed ,waiting amongst others who also wait for the return of their loved ones ,,,swooping in from above ,standing at the gate with so much anticipation, waiting and   watching the streamline of people one by one walking down the long corridor wondering when their turn will be , smiling, rejoicing for those who are before you , i pray its done in alphabetical order , by first name , cause family(last) names finally wont make a lick of difference anymore. At last your turn has arrived , that moment you see their face and can touch them again , the tears are gone , the worries are gone , the baggage doesn't need to be claimed it stays on that revolving belt never to be seen again , it is finished , done, we can go home.
Sometimes our children will beg to go somewhere, some far off land. some new adventure, some time and space were not to sure of , we know it might be best for them but for us were not so sure, but we let them go, trust, and know that they will all be home someday and what a day that was/will be.

3 years

Remembering our beautiful brave girl today, Ashley Ann- Marie Lowey June 29 1992 -Feb 16 2009 Til we meet again.
He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” rev 21:4

Four Years

Dec 16 2007

Me: "Dr. have the ulatrasound results come back yet?
Emerg Dr: (pause) "Is  your husband with you?"
Me: "no, he should be here soon , he's picking up the kids,why"
Dr: "the test result are in and it doesn't look like appendix"
Me: "Oh good then what could it be"
Dr: "I'm sorry ma'am but it looks like cancer"
Me ...inaudibility.

Today is Dec 16 2011, 4 years since those words entered my ears yet could  not find the signal to my brain. somehow it just registered as static, static that blurred my vision and numbed my body one inch at a time until i was paralyzed and running frantically at the same time and somehow it can still do that to me if i let my mind wander too far.
Tomorrow i will send an email to her oncologist, like i am acknowledging some sort of weird warped anniversary of the "day we met" He will email me back and ask me about the girls and what they are up to, he will ask me to give my best to Darcy( cause i know he liked him better than me ... go figure?...lol) and i will ask him about his kids  and his Christmas plans and maybe he will go home that night and he'll either be pleased i still keep in touch despite everything or he'll be reminded of what a crappy job he has sometimes, and unfortunatley he will probably awake the next day and receive another email from a crazy bereaved mom he used to have to "handle' and remember another anniversary of the "day they met"

Thinking of all my bereaved oncology parents. particularly this time of year as we face this with a different reality than most . if the other days of the year are difficult , Christmas and Birthdays are almost unbearable in many ways, sometimes almost wishing that we could just fall asleep until everyone was finished with the merriment , wake up again in the spring. We don't want to write Christmas cards but we don't want our child to be left off of the ones we receive , we want to attend the Christmas concerts but can't help but tear up at concerts past, we want to hang decorations , but can't bear to unwrap those homemade decorations from Kindergarten , we don't want to be downers but probably need uppers just to paint a smile on. It is a marginalizing time of year for bereaved parents , i am grateful to have a home , family and food to eat but i think sometimes this must feel what its like to be those set apart as "needy"or one of the "have nots " just in a different way.

So this is what i imagine for my kindered friends , our kids are   singing and dancing and playing their instruments , having a party , older ones taking care of the younger ones , they are seated and honoured at a very special table having a feast and giggling and waiting for the day we are seated all together again.

To everyone else may you enjoy this time of year , not for the presents ,or all those unneccesary tasks you think you have to do ( you don't) or the hustle and  bustle but for the challenge you can make yourself by celebrating, living and spending as comfortably and as simply and as peacefully as you can.

May God's comfort , peace, love and joy surround you always and prepare you for what life brings you.

Peace be with you,
Lori

Can't Seem To Come Up With A Title

as looking at the date of my last blog and realized i hadn't written in a while ..hence the mood i've been in lately i guess , always looking for external circumstances and usually look up to the night sky and blame it on the full moon, but i don't think there has been one lately so  i can only chalk it up to this time of year. If i were more of a Black Friday shopper i could wrangle all this impending season has to offer and head out for some retail therapy , but i'm not and somehow goes against my new found peace in minimalist thinking , but oh how i miss the little fix i get from purging through plastic.
That being said going to the gym , keeping busy, planning ,organizing,working really does nothing to ease this time time of year or somehow invade my preoccupation of re-living circumstances which took over our lives 4 years ago ...four years...blows me away , i think of the naivety we were living in these few short weeks prior to Dec 16 and long for oblivion we once lived in. I miss the days of my head buried in the sand where "bad things didn't happen to good people" and my faith went untested, which brings me to my point ... a few days ago  a friend had told me that a friend of hers was reading my blog, i always get this wierd feeling when strangers read my blog , kinda like someone going through your garbage, my only hope is that they find something they can use amongst the dirt and mess. Anyways this person , maybe a non-believer , i don;'t know, said to friend " what does she say now about the last line in her opening blog (the preface")my friend politely said well she wrote it after Ashley passed away so i guess she still has faith. I actually had to go back to the opening blog to see what they were talking about ...the last line says something like " i knew at that moment who  and what we needed , would he be willing to listen" Folks i have to make this as clear as possible because if you are struggling with how this can be possible let me tell you it was  an all and out battle for me to get to this point . As you may have read i did not always grow up with faith and to tell you the truth i fought to hang on to whatever faith was during this whole ordeal, often trying anything and everything to find understanding in all this, i looked at healers,  meditation , chinese herbalists, a buddhist monk , lights and crystals etc even mistankingly assuming Dr's were gods , THEY ARE NOT! , and should not have this burden placed upon them , as much as Ashley's Dr and i battled it out at times , never should i have placed the inordinate task or miracle worker on him. It is only through understanding that God answers all prayers but that sometimes the answer is "no " did i actually come to peace and realize that somehow some way this will all work out in the end if my faith stays faithful..it was only by grace i was allowed to have this feeliing ...that's all i can call it ...a feeling , a new feeling , one that replaced complete and utter despair and hopelessness. Faith is defined as "being sure of what we hoped for and certain of what we do not see" i am sure there are caveats in there ...we cannot assume our faith will assure us of winning the lottery or having our "wishes "  granted...God is not our personal genie  it is a belief that what we hoped for, will be, even if we cannot see it , however it has to somehow align with HIs will or purpose . So  faith can go from asking God to cure my daughter , being assured he will, but being ok with it in whatever form that takes. Is she cured , free of pain , at peace .. i know it, i can't see it it , but i know it,it just didn't happen here on earth. There are so many unanswered questions and maybe it will stay like that  no matter how much i search and build faith and i suppose i have to be content with that for now and like i've said before when push comes to shove and your faith is tested you better know where the hell you are going or what and who you're going to drop to your knees to and ask for strength, comfort peace ...and if you don't it wll hit you like a tonne of bricks ...do i think God or Jesus did this to test my faith , absolutely not , i believe in a more compassionate God than that, but do i believe there is evil in this world in the form of many things (cancer included) that put you to the test ...yes.... undoubtedly... then you take that faith mix it with compassion and pass it on to the next person who needs it. There is unfairness all around , close to home , far away .it's the corrupt world we live in FOR NOW ,it is not fair that  a man who  worked hard his whole life has recently passed and left his wife and son to bear his loss ,it is not fair that the young lady living with us was handed the cards she was dealt and never really experienced a loving family already dealing with lonliness at such a young age, or that a young boy from the high school was so depressed his only answer was seemingly suicide...tragic. That  whole in your life... that empty feeling... can be filled, i guess we need to be careful of what we fill it with.
I must say that it is kind of an exciting year in our house, Christy is graduating this year and i  am enjoying it , we missed out on all that when Ashley was sick .  i so wanted to see her graduate and felt so ripped off when i was on the wrong side of the stage at her graduation(handing out her memorial scholarship) faith in knowing she is beyond earthly treasures but oh how i am soaking it up right now ..was exciting watching her get her grad photos , yes i went with her, photographer probs thought i was an idiot , but i held back the tears and was just so happy for this normal teenage moment ,Christy has crossed the threshold of Ashleys age when she passed so everything is so new  ( attitudes included ) but i am loving it , she has her final payment for her trip to Greece so now its  grad dress and luggage shopping ...plastic purging via christy ..yay!
Stefanny and Christy are working alongside each other in the fast food biz ...i won't even go into the details of how that plays out in this family , lets just say Christy has taken the role of older sister to a new level ..ugh! Somehow i believe it goes a little something like this ...Christy sweetly smiling and taking customer's order ...relaying it back to Stefanny and telling her to "get a move on"
Britt , my little Britt, who keeps us all grounded and giggling...received her art work in this years kids cancer calendar.. she is so proud...happy to have her BFF home from 9 days of holidays , loved their reunion big hugs , wrestling on the floor like 2 puppies and right back into the world of imagination ....love it, except that i can see them advancing to the next level , BOYS..ugh , still kind at that love hate thing but with this impending grade 5 dance i can hear all the snickers and giggling and " i need a new dress but i'd rather wear jeans " ...."oh girls stay young for just a little longer" , as far as i recall boys are yucky , pesty and nasty at that age ...but what do i know.

Venturing

Okay, one career i know i would never want to pursue is that of a harbour master, especially on an August long weekend/week, it is similar to watching or understanding the logistics of trading at the NYSE or managing crowd control at a Beatles concert (ok well back in the day)Thank God my husband speaks the language and in his own way somehow translates it for me as we are approaching breaakwaters and dock fingers , giving me just enough time to jump on the bow of the boat and lead us into dockspace which usually requires moving boats aside with various parts of my body. This was to be Stormy Dawn's maiden voyage and my intent was to chronicle the adventure along the way, but limited service and long navigating days left little time for story writing.

It was quite a feat just getting to Desolation Sound/Lund Harbour basically it requires packing up everything you own including 2 vehicles 2 rv's and just enough room for the "just in case Mastercard." Darcy's truck, a little finicky... lets just say he's the only one who knows how much you can set the emergency brake , when we sent the truck and trailer up by barge one of his well meaning coworkers set the brake to its full capacity which resulted in smoking brakes by the time we got to the marina, mechanical issues and we're not even there yet...day 1.
The next day we put the boat in the water and off we went with full intentions of circling the Copeland and Discovery islands ...10 minutes and we were back in harbour , stupid boat, i couldn't help but feel terrible for Darcy all the blood sweat and tears that went into this boat over the last couple of months and my newly practiced skill of patience felt useless now. So you would think that boat mechanics would be happy to see you considering the barrell they can have you over on an August long weekend, i swear i saw dollar signs in their corneas as we slither into their boat garage praying our boat doesn't end up in the graveyard of unfixables. After 3 "way too busy's" we finally found a mechanic in town and really what im sure Dacy wanted to say was " just let me have your shop for an hour, i don't need you" yeah that would be like saying "just give me your wife for an hour , i promise i wont wreck anything" ...i think there was a moment he was contimplating a trade there as i became frustrated with my vacation hours slipping away from me. Cha ching a few hours later and were outta there and back on the water.
The girl's only destination desire was Savory island for photo ops of eachother in white bikinis against a backdrop of white sand beaches and turquoise waters. Well they were going to have to work for it this year , this new( to us) boat is a little bigger and little deeper V and unable to shore up, over board they go and swim to shore ( there are no public docks ) we discovered Mystery reef , no mystery if you have a depth sounder , water goes from 480 ft to 8 ft of water in a split second...YIKES!

Next day we were off to Hernandez Island and Cortes Island , named after Spansih exlporer Hernando Cortes in the 1800's. We made it to Squirrel cove on Cortes, beautiful , remote, quaint, rocky bluffs and a great little restaurant right on the water, the best cold watermelon soup and beet salad and shirley temples (as far as Brittanny was concerned). Something very crass about being a family of five and being seated at a table with 6 chairs , instant reminder of something , someone missing.

We skipped Hernando Island when we found out that it is a private Island where tourists are greeted by shotguns, no thanks , my adventurism isn't that needy. Time for the kids to catch their dinner ...off to the island of Major rock where we lowered our prawn and crab traps, 5 dozen prawns over a couple days and one sad little crab , sunset, wine ...sounds like dinner for 2 , sorry kids hotdogs for you (jk they dont like seafood...thank goodness) Ahhh the sunsets, the colour of coral everynight , and everynight we'd hear Darcy enlighten us with his "red sky at night sailors delight ...balh blah blah , toward the end of the trip he would just mumble it to himself ...too many eyerolls i guess. Campground was quiet , various people that camped next to us only seemed to stay one night and then be off...hmm could the bickering of my children possibly have anything to do with it ...way to go kids , i knew that would come in handy. Chocolate cheerios for breakfast and smores before bed will do that. Hey chocolate cheerios, just in case you are judging me is a once a year camping treat and allows Darcy and i to slip away for cinnamon buns and something other than camp coffee at the little marina bakery.

Over the next few days we spotted sea lions and even a dolphin and shellfish galore at Okeover Arm, however, it was red tide and i wasn't going to take the chance of getting sick , apparently the shellfish don't mind us though , bit on the foot by a baby crab, good thing he swam fast or i woulda cooked him up for the hell of it. If you're into kayaking this is the place.

We were able to celebrate our anniversary 22 years (30 years together) and Britt's bday at our favourite little restaurant at the marina. We gave Brittanny decorative little doggy bags, they cost a buck at the dollar store, however, i have never seen a kid more happy in all my life , she knew what it meant, she was finally getting the dog she had been begging for for months, promising us the moon and the stars, its been 2 years since we put Sophy down and i guess the timing was right. Time flew by and bittersweet as it was it was time to pack and leave for the 2 ferry ride home and , you know the journey home almost went smooth,but hey smooth just never seems to be our motto and it seems to hit at the most inopportune time , 30 minutes before our final ferry ride home ,getting into our boarding lane and something snaps on the boat trailer ..."You've got to be kidding me!" Don't ask me really what happened , my brain shuts off when people (Darcy) get talking mechanical crap, all i know is that people are wonderful, within seconds of seeing Darcy under the trailer frantically trying to fix the brokenness we must have had 6 guys and even a couple women offering assitance, whatever they did and despite the several theories of how to fix it , it got done , Darcy with a gash on his head and mickey mousing whatever was wrong we made it on the ferry,probably never to see these people again but knowing we had a pay it forward debt to repay. Darcy looked for them on the ferry but none of them seemed to be there , crap , hope they didn't lose their place in line and get bumped off. Wasn't sitting well with Darcy so he had the ferry announcer guy send out a big thank you from us, maybe they were just tansient angels , but whoever they were...again we are blessed.
Home Sweet home and yes an extra member ...Emma... would you believe a Yorkshire terrier , similar to Sophy, rather ghostly watching Brittanny (so similar to Ash) but a sight for sore grieivng eyes. Home, but thinking a proper anniversary boat excursion minus the mayhem (and kids) is in order very soon...kind of a vacation from the vacation....all in all it was another adventure.

P.S. did I mention the butterflies? Abundant and exotic and always closeby

Peace
Lori

Happy 19th Ash

Happy 19th Birthday Ashley,
I can't believe you would have been 19 today.

It is raining this morning and i don't think it has rained once on your birthday since the day you were born,actually it was a summer storm, one that broke into a beautiful just after sunrise (hence your stormy dawn name). i'm not sure how you would have celebrated today but something tells me it wouldn't have been in the normal "19 year old" fashion or maybe i'm just naive and think of you still at 16...life in its normal way kinda stopped for you then , not that you stopped maturing in fact i think that's when you became the wise old soul that i cherish. I wouldn't be human if i didn't wish you were here right now , but in my heart of hearts i know how unfair that would be, because i suspect by now you have found your way home and pitty us poor souls who live in this wandering world , lost and confused.

We raised butterflies again this year , however, many of them didn't make it, they are in a beautiful atrium and as i went to feed one yesterday, it got away , i found it a few minutes later and struggled with what to do with it, i caught it and placed it back into the atrium until today , i know that you would have told me to set it free regardless of it being a day too early, i suppose that human part of me just wanted to hang on a little longer, i'm sorry its just not that easy to let her go(did i say her?) i guess i just want to keep it safe where i can watch over it, but today they will all be free and i imagine they will all eventually find their way home , their time here on earth is short but long enough to bring joy to those they bless with their beauty. We will be surrounded by family and friends today and we will remember birthdays past , your 1st , your 5th , your 10th , your 13th , and finally your 16th , they are a klaidescope in my mind of blown out candles, brand new shiny bicycles, warm sunny days,children's laughter and slumber parties and your dad's silly antics and puppies and horseback rides into the sunset and butterflies... always seems to be a butterfly, somewhere. Those memories hold such salty tears as they pass by my mouth to form puddles on the ground big enough to see reflections in them, the kind that change colours like a klaidescope.I'm going to work in your garden now,make a temporaryy home for your butterflies (kinda like how i'd clean your room before your party) i know it's raining but maybe they are tears of joy and splendor from heaven for a time we will all be together again. Happy Birthday baby girl

Childrun 2011

Just a quick note tonight to send out great big thank you's to our Ashleys Journey run team and our amazing supporters and donors, many of which we have never met.
We were up at 6 this morning to get to the new location of this year's Childrun, which was relocated a few blocks from BCCH due to the construction of the new hospital(Yippee)

Things went very smoothly considering parking was a nightmare, hence leaving at 6 because of my over(anal)organized hubby.The whole gang was there and my sister and her girls were newcomers this year,having to travel from Bowen Island,as well my brother in law , thank you all for coming, out team is growing every year. The day was beautiful , couldn't ask for a better day and of course running or beating times was not the objective, we walked and laughed and shed a few tears but all in all it was a nice day, we are so blessed.

I want to give a sweet thank you to all my little neices who got up in front of their classes and gave speeches and accounts of their understanding of what the run meant to them,and what their cousin had to go through. I love to hear the outcomes of the stories of their schoolmates bringing in their piggybanks and the compassion their great big hearts pour out. Thank you to all the parents who heard the story, encouraged their children ...you have probably taught them more than they will ever learn in a classroom.

To all our faithful supporters, you continue to make us grateful we have such wonderful people in our life. I would love to share more of our day with you but although it was only 5k i'm exhausted, emotionally draining day as it is also miracle weekend and we are so vividly reminded of those still fighting, so again, thank you on behalf of them as well.

Thank You Ashleys Journey run team, supporters, donors, family and friends.
Much Peace and Love
Lori