June 29 1992 - February 16 2009

Welcome to the Journey of a Butterfly

Welcome to Ashleys Journey,

We invite you to follow along one family's journey through grief and loss, one brave young girl's journey through faith and inspiration, this is not a blog to convert anyone , nor is it a blog about fundraising , it is what i hope will reach another family on a similar journey, we are not experts , i could not give you a magic remedy for how one gets through disease and devestation but it is our story , sometimes gut wrenching other time heartwarming and all of the time, i guarantee, very real. We are not perfect, we struggle daily and i think that the more we connect to one another the more we understand what this journey through life is all about . Sometimes that path is bumpy and we fall down, sometimes we sit and stop a while,or take a step back and other times we pound our fists on the pavement like a lunatic , still other times we find ourselves picking eachother up dusting eachother off and walking alongside them even if only for short time. This blog is dedicated to Ashley , her sisters and every single angel that picked us up along this road.
This is an introduction to the beginning and middle part of our journey the specific blogs are more indepth , the end...well there will never be an end to this journey i've come to realize that , not on this earth, for now we just assimilate it into our life like a hole , a missing limb, a continous ache that you just learn to live with.
When Ashley was about 12 years old she asked if she could go to youth group at a local church , i didn't have any church upbringing but know i craved it throughout my life , this was a rare opportunity and i recognized that if i didn't embrace it now she may lose her interst in it very quickly and beocme a jaded, cynical, stubborn person like her mom. My husband grew up in a very religious (shove it down your throat) kinda religion( i wont mention any names)or maybe it was the way he was raised ? Anyways i encouraged her to go because the community we had moved to embraced this kinda thing so i thought why not? Naturally and shortly after she started attending she was soon encouraging us to go , she had made quite a leadership name for herself there , pionner leader , sunday school helper etc, i was comfortable for the first time in my life going to a church, maybe it was the first word that greeted you as you walked in..."belong" maybe it was because they embraced community and outreach service in our city , dont know, but soon found it very therapeutic, cheaper than a shrink, and our other 3 girls jumped on board pretty quickly, my husband well... a work in progress , he communes with God in a fishing boat he says , although makes many efforts to go even if just for good way to start the week, i was still cynical , felt i wasnt holy enough but went anyways.
Ashley was scheduled to sing a solo in the church choir Dec 16 2007 , i was scared for her, i was sure she got her singing skills from me which was nil at best. She sang beautifully and you couldnt tell she had been complaining of cramps , something i chalked up to girls stuff/growing pains for a couple weeks off and on, she was an active healthy girl. When the performnce was done we got our christmas tree and i took her to the clinic to have it checked out before Christmas , they sent us to our local hosptial for tests , i was worried it was appendix. Darcy, my husband left the hosptial to go pick up our other 3 girls from friends houses , i caught the doctor in the ahallways and asked if the ulstrasound pictures were back, i remember having eye contact with Ashley only feet away from me but far enough away for her not to hear the doctor to so impassionaltely say "its not appendix, it looks like cancer", i have to stop as i write this because it is still one of the 2 biggest shocks in my entire life, i think i ran down the hallways screaming with no sound coming from my throat and not knowing where i was running . I phoned Darcy and words didnt come out of my mouth. Before I knew it we were at out local Childrens Hospital(100km away) meeting oncologiosts , being give an "oncology team" which consisted of a primary nurse, a social worker, a main oncologist and a shrink....wait a minute ...what is an oncologist? yep, a cancer doctor, this was the real thing . we waited 4 days to find out what type we were dealing with ... it was curable 90 % even though she was stage 4 , how the hell can my kid have stage 4 cancer and only a few cramps , it was mind bending. We were thrown stright into a world so foriegn to us , everything stopped ..jobs ..PAC meetings ,carppoling and yes even some friends who"couldn't handle it" it was no longer our own beds , our own home, our own anything. Treatments and life became unbearable , the 90% cure rate was not looking good at any stage throughout our journey , it seemd to be always full of negative news to the point where i couldnt stand the face of her oncologist , it nearly made me want to vomit everytime i saw him...The words they briefed us on as we began this mind altering path was " one of you will grieve through this process and no matter the out come the other will grieve after " they couldn't have been more right.......Ashley insisted on going to church on Christmas eve, two nights before she was to start chemo at the end of the service our pastor came to pray with us , i didn't know many people in the church , but wow did they know Ashley, when we rose our heads from bowing in prayer the whole congregation was surrounding us , i knew at that moment who i was going to need to get me through this ...would he be willing to listen to me...

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Lesson Learned

Lesson learned
It’s been an interesting new year already in the Lowey house lately. Recently my car was totalled , i’m fine , it happened in our driveway, someone took the corner too fast and sent my car ( in my driveway) flying across the yard ...it was a hit and run and despite the plethra of evidence including video camera evidence and the license plate of the perpetrator left behind in our yard ( bahaha) she is young and is some how denying this , i wonder if her parents know, if they are protecting her.
Christy turned 22 on New Years eve . It seems like yesterday , (seriously not trying to be cliche) that i was in the hospital delivering her , she was my winter baby and for several years that was our New Years eve ...Christy’s birthday, of course as they get older the last thing they wanna do is spend NYE with their parents but hard to know when to let go ...speaking of letting go , Stefanny moved out on New Years day, not far , Cloverdale , my sister’s basement suite, but still a new adjustment and obvious void in the house.
I think , looking back , as you’re raising your kids, that although the end game is to prepare them for life, you never really imagine what that day will be like , of course you’re teaching them lessons and obvious coping skills for the real world you don’t really envision that day coming. Sarcastically speaking, there are days you fantasize about turning their room into some sort of sanctuary of peaceful bliss , whatever that means to you , hobby room , sewing room ( not me!) wine tasting room , lol but when they leave and the room is empty suddenly it’s just bare and echoey (word?) But i kinda think i might have screwed up one ( at least one) of the life skills.
When i was growing up in North Vancouver i was very reliant on the bus system , my father left at a young age and my single mother did not drive , i will spare you the stories of having to walk miles to school in the blizzardy snow , cause i think that exaggeration has been done to death by every generation of parent , but i did take the bus to school , as a a matter of fact this is kind of how i met Darcy , we lived across the street from each other and one day i was standing at the bus stop in the pouring rain and his mom stopped to ask if needed a ride ( i later found out that he made her stop and offer me a ride lol) It was an awkward car ride ( he was a huge pest in school) and i kinda felt like a drowned waif of a girl silently sitting in the back seat of their station wagon being examined and interrogated by his 3 year old brother ...awkward!!! the rest is history. Point being , i always envied kids who got driven to school , picked up from soccer practice and I, stoically saying “ no no it’s ok , i’ll walk” , meanwhile wishing i had taken the ride , ugh. Jump ahead 10-15 years to raising my own school aged children and thinking i was super mom by ensuring my children were driven to and from school , events and what have you , like obnoxious doorfront service. As matter of fact anytime the kids ( mine et al ) would suggest taking the bus i would jump up and offer rides... skytrain ??? you gotta be kidding me, even though i rode those things like a rockstar at their age. I thought i was doing everyone a favour , perhaps i got visions in my head of some poor stranded kid , lost and waify alone at a bus stop , hated that vision and subconsciously ( or obsessively ) i guess thought i was doing them a service...i was not !
Skip ahead another 10 years and i realize i kinda dropped the ball. Along with my well commuter educated sister we taught Stef the bus route to her school in New West,it had been a long time since i navigated the mean streets of the city and i was agahst at the changes and navigational wit it requires to be a modern day commuter , more nerve racking than driving at times. Stef was fine, i was uprooted from my comfort zone and heated seats like a fish outta water . It is day 2 of her commuting on her own ( obviously she doesn’t want her mommy escorting her to school everyday , damn!) . Point being i guess is this ....the hardknocks you think you grew up with that you think you want to protect your child from , may in fact be the very life lessons that made you who you are today and while it is ok to cushion some of those crappy experiences don’t shelter them completely from them , they are in fact invaluable life strategy lessons. I suppose this can be true with other life lessons too , coping with money ( or a lack there of ) getting up on time, chores, taking responsibility even if it will cause punishment, etc etc ...i ask myself now “ what am i robbing my kids of if i do this for them ?” Lesson learned!

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