10 Years

10 years

Lowey Family·Sunday, December 17, 2017

It’s bleak outside today , especially bleak because i’m looking out at the ocean and the ferry is particularly crowded , i’m boxed in listening to some 30 somethings having a pissing contest on who has the best-est newest greatest thing, gadget, kitchen , kids etc. i’m feeling a bit trapped and my only option seems to be to stand out on the deck and just soak up the rain , enjoy the solitude yet i know i would just cry to myself and wonder how it is possible that 10 years ago i was in an ambulance heading for Children hospital bewildered and gobsmacked at how i could possibly be here only half knowing what our fate held (diagnosis confirmation day) . I may have been like one of those 30 somethings ( ok 40 somethings ) 10 years ago , how i would have disliked her now, how vanilla my life was, how surface and pleasantnville i could have been and how i would have chosen to stay “her” i guess... not saying i’m any better of a person , i’m just a bit more of a contradiction then i was before , i just have more information now , i know the truly yucky parts of myself , my faith , my marriage, a marriage and a faith that has been tested to the brink and while it doesn't follow recognizable paths anymore it is a newly carved , newly defined marking of a trail. We dance a new dance now and are learning not to step on each others feet , we’re getting there ... this world is a tough place to be for so many , i wonder if it’s been tough in some way for these 30 something next to me , maybe they’re really good at puttin on a facade , maybe it’s gonna sneak up on them one rainy normal December day. Life is a head shaker , you wonder how some people go through so much S#$% and others, no better , no worse, seem to skate by. It’s cruel out there lately , a child that lived through war-torn Syria fleas to a safe country and gets hit by a bus in first world country , wth? an officer murdered over a stolen car , children fighting cancer for the 2nd 3rd forth time and some don’t make it at all. C’mon tell me where the playing field is even . I know now that sunshine and rain come from the same sky and it all depends where on earth you happen to be walking .

Grief is a member of our family, it has to have a place, it gives us something to take care of , it’s a suitcase we carry around with us , one of those well worn suitcases from along ago , with stickers on it that tell the world where you’ve been , I’m not a world traveler but some days it feels like my suitcase has been all over the world and back , sometimes the thing pops open and everything comes spilling out , it can be uncomfortable and embarrassing and i have to gather up the belongings very quickly and stuff em back inside , it is hard work , it’s not like a hard job or a hard course it’s like physically carrying heaviness with you every where you go and at the end of the night you can only just lie it bedside for a few hours , wake up the next morning , thank God for another day and pick it back up and peek inside of it once in awhile just so you can touch the fragile things inside again. Some years go by and maybe you can remove a few things , lighten it up a bit , but never too much , you hate it and want it at the same time

10 Years later and lives have changed , it’s all i can say , that its’ “changed” some things are harder . some things are just clearer . People have come and gone from our lives and that’s ok , i have a few more phobias, quirks , wrinkles and cortizol and worry free parenting has never been restored ( just ask my kids) I have way more patience in some areas and wayyyy less in others. I teeter between being stoic and bawling my eyes out from moment to moment (k, maybe that’s hormones) This is not your typical sunny Christmas form letter , we are not full circle , i’m not sure that exists in this ,but i pray our kids are settled , confident beings and continue to be a little more aware of the world around them , ( judging by their career paths i think they are) that our marriage continues to know it can withstand the fire and that faith remains the foundation in it all ...and if that’s all i was able to accomplish in 10 years then that is enough.

Much peace ...10 years post dx

Lori

Mundane-ness ( word?)

I’m off this week and when i say off, i mean it, in all sense of the word. I finally took a week off of work , Darcy is away which means there ain’t much cookin goin on around here with just me and Britt home. I’m gettin caught up on all those “i’ll do it laters” they are the mundane things you say you’re going to get to later but really when that later comes it’s just a big pile of who the hell cares, this should be a week of wanna’s not shoulda’s, not sayin i can’t do my wanna’s when Darcy is home but for some reason i get sidetracked and let’s face it our wanna’s dont always mesh and i am 100% ok in saying that. After 28 years of marriage i have come to believe that while we have many things in common there are many things that we are uniquely separate in , case in point , he’s hunting , 2 weeks in the bush , seriously i could not think of anything i’d rather do less but it’s what gives him peace and i guess writing is what gives me peace or at least a place to hunt and gather my thoughts , maybe not so diff after all, because aren’t we all just searching for peace ...

Beginning to think that peace is becoming an elusive concept let alone an ability with the state the world is in , forgive me for getting too broad in my subject matter , I’m not gonna get all “ I just want world peace , beauty pageanty” I think the world has reached a bit of a climactic point that may not reverse itself anytime soon and we can protest and fight against it ,but, what will be ,may just be . It’s almost scary to think our actions can change everything or anything because when we can’t change the thing that’s going to inevitably happen it can be a giant fall from “ if you believe it you receive it “ damaging to one’s own belief in mortality...like trying to glue leaves back on to a tree in the Fall. I used to think that if i prayed hard enough or thought positively enough then i could change outcomes , i was wrong and it flies back to where does “hope “ fall into all this and why am i even talking about this ...because as global as the big issues are in the world right now there are everyday unpeaceful things happening around us and to us and like the butterfly effect, it ripples outward and we have a choice on how to respond to that ripple . I cannot think of a time or maybe i’m just so meshed in the world of cancer or that it’s Childhood Cancer month or that it is everywhere you turn and is such a devastating word , one cannot help but contemplate the ramifications of hearing that word, especially concerning those so very close to us. Life hangs in a balance for those waiting news and test results and decisions to be made ( this can be true for all diseases and calamities).

Often i get asked if i have come to peace with what we have gone through , it is a loaded question and i guess i have to guage my audience and i don’t expect anyone to fully appreciate what i’m saying but there were times in our journey that peace was the feeling of having one more day and no bad news today... somehow now, it’s stupid, peace has become “did i pay that bill , how are we going to save for retirement etc “and i hate that it has become my sense of peace because when i was in the thick of it peace truly was the “ we have today” , God has granted maybe one more moment together ...peace in regular life is often just an illusion , you think you have it until something bad happens and then things ain’t so peaceful anymore , everything is temporary everything fades , you only have this one moment , the one you’re in (ugh i don’t want to get all Eckhart Tolle either). Sometimes life is just getting through one more disastrous moment and other times it is just getting through one more normal moment . On the other side of the worst possible moments in this life i don’t really know , i just know that somehow we got through it , God did not grant my wish but He did give me the tools i needed to cope , He gave me a clarity , the right people , a bit of an awareness to the things around me and a hope in something i cannot see right now and that’s ok, because i think that is the pure definition of faith and when things are bogging me down , the things that wont matter a year form now i have the ability to go back and recall. By no means am i saying that disastrous times is where you find the most peace , Gawd no , those times are heart racing, blood pumping, wish i would wake up from this nightmare times, it is only after that you realize that you got down to the business of simplifying what really mattered , pursued that and in turn maybe in the end whichever way life goes that will be the peace in it all . Life doesn't have to be about fulfilling what the world tells you your dreams are, it is trying to live on a higher human platform of awareness and what can happen in the blink of an eye , what can slap me upside my complaisant puney self and open my eyes to things i’d be much more comfortable not seeing . I guess it’s a choice , you wanna be comfortable or you wanna be human , being human is often times living with the absence of peace but looking back on it finding peace in the decisions you made in that time and lifting one another up. In a strange way comfort/peace can be found in knowing that there is likely someone who has it harder than i do today ,no matter what the situation is, yet not trying to take away from someone’s worst possible day.

I sit here in my quiet, very quiet home, listening to Pachabel’s Cannon and peace has washed over me and not because i know i’m getting the bed to myself tonight but because it’s one of those mundane moments, realizing it could change in a moment , that i am acutely aware of those who are not having a peaceful moment and want so desperately to cut off a slice of my mundane-ness for them until they get a little break to strengthen them again. Many prayers, deep soul prayers for those that can’t find peace today, you are not alone.

Peace,

Lori

Lesson Learned

Lesson learned

Lowey Family·Wednesday, January 4, 2017

It’s been an interesting new year already in the Lowey house lately. Recently my car was totalled , i’m fine , it happened in our driveway, someone took the corner too fast and sent my car ( in my driveway) flying across the yard ...it was a hit and run and despite the plethra of evidence including video camera evidence and the license plate of the perpetrator left behind in our yard ( bahaha) she is young and is some how denying this , i wonder if her parents know, if they are protecting her.

Christy turned 22 on New Years eve . It seems like yesterday , (seriously not trying to be cliche) that i was in the hospital delivering her , she was my winter baby and for several years that was our New Years eve ...Christy’s birthday, of course as they get older the last thing they wanna do is spend NYE with their parents but hard to know when to let go ...speaking of letting go , Stefanny moved out on New Years day, not far , Cloverdale , my sister’s basement suite, but still a new adjustment and obvious void in the house.

I think , looking back , as you’re raising your kids, that although the end game is to prepare them for life, you never really imagine what that day will be like , of course you’re teaching them lessons and obvious coping skills for the real world you don’t really envision that day coming. Sarcastically speaking, there are days you fantasize about turning their room into some sort of sanctuary of peaceful bliss , whatever that means to you , hobby room , sewing room ( not me!) wine tasting room , lol but when they leave and the room is empty suddenly it’s just bare and echoey (word?) But i kinda think i might have screwed up one ( at least one) of the life skills.

When i was growing up in North Vancouver i was very reliant on the bus system , my father left at a young age and my single mother did not drive , i will spare you the stories of having to walk miles to school in the blizzardy snow , cause i think that exaggeration has been done to death by every generation of parent , but i did take the bus to school , as a a matter of fact this is kind of how i met Darcy , we lived across the street from each other and one day i was standing at the bus stop in the pouring rain and his mom stopped to ask if needed a ride ( i later found out that he made her stop and offer me a ride lol) It was an awkward car ride ( he was a huge pest in school) and i kinda felt like a drowned waif of a girl silently sitting in the back seat of their station wagon being examined and interrogated by his 3 year old brother ...awkward!!! the rest is history. Point being , i always envied kids who got driven to school , picked up from soccer practice and I, stoically saying “ no no it’s ok , i’ll walk” , meanwhile wishing i had taken the ride , ugh. Jump ahead 10-15 years to raising my own school aged children and thinking i was super mom by ensuring my children were driven to and from school , events and what have you , like obnoxious doorfront service. As matter of fact anytime the kids ( mine et al ) would suggest taking the bus i would jump up and offer rides... skytrain ??? you gotta be kidding me, even though i rode those things like a rockstar at their age. I thought i was doing everyone a favour , perhaps i got visions in my head of some poor stranded kid , lost and waify alone at a bus stop , hated that vision and subconsciously ( or obsessively ) i guess thought i was doing them a service...i was not !

Skip ahead another 10 years and i realize i kinda dropped the ball. Along with my well commuter educated sister we taught Stef the bus route to her school in New West,it had been a long time since i navigated the mean streets of the city and i was agahst at the changes and navigational wit it requires to be a modern day commuter , more nerve racking than driving at times. Stef was fine, i was uprooted from my comfort zone and heated seats like a fish outta water . It is day 2 of her commuting on her own ( obviously she doesn’t want her mommy escorting her to school everyday , damn!) . Point being i guess is this ....the hardknocks you think you grew up with that you think you want to protect your child from , may in fact be the very life lessons that made you who you are today and while it is ok to cushion some of those crappy experiences don’t shelter them completely from them , they are in fact invaluable life strategy lessons. I suppose this can be true with other life lessons too , coping with money ( or a lack there of ) getting up on time, chores, taking responsibility even if it will cause punishment, etc etc ...i ask myself now “ what am i robbing my kids of if i do this for them ?” Lesson learned!

Today

 Today Dec 16 2016

Can hardly believe that today marks the ninth anniversary of the date we heard the second most devastating 4 words of our lives. If i’m sadistic enough i can close my eyes and feel the trembling of my soul , i can still feel the poisonous choke in my throat and yes i am just that sadistic , as normal as my day was today ...went to work , complained , ordered a pizza went to Walmart bla bla bla i did stop several times throughout the day just to be torcher myself voluntarily to see if i could feel the pain and fear of 9 years ago . About this time i was pacing halls at the old Abbotsford hospital waiting for an ambulance to take us to a foreign land of sick and injured children , a place i had only been a spectator at a few times thoroughout my life and knowing that as normal as my day had begun i would never feel that sense of complacency again. Time is a funny thing it puts big space between an event and slightly drifts you farther away from the wreckage but sometimes you just need to feel it again so you can be closer to it because you don't want time to take away everything , the dichotomy of time i suppose

The F Word

The “F” Word

Lowey Family·Thursday, July 7, 2016

My favourite thing about summer in the Fraser Valley is berry picking , i didn’t grow up in these parts ,so when we moved to Abbotsford when the kids were small i made it a yearly tradition , call me nuts because berry picking with little ones is equivalent to trying to catch raindrops in your hand, not much accumulates. Blueberries are my favourite and exceptionally early this year so when we brought home a couple buckets this past weekend i washed them and laid them out to snack on , which in my mind was a great alternative to chocolate covered almonds. After a few handfuls i noticed that my mouth was itchy, after several more handfuls , i realized at the ripe old age of 50 ( in 2 weeks ) i have, at this stage of the game , developed an aversion or allergy to one of my sweet indulgences...are you fricken kidding me ...which brings me to my point...The “F” word....FIFTY.

Now i know i have a few 1966’ers in this audience so hopefully we are sharing an experience here , one i have never felt before...what the hell just happened , when did 50 sneak up on us. Please don’t write me back and say in your existentialist voice “50 is just a number “ duh! I know that , i passed grade one math , but you know that 13 is just a number, as is 666, say those numbers out loud and they hold some sort of significance in most people’s minds , no? Somewhere between 40 , (well even 49) and 50 there appears to be some invisible threshold that transports you to a new playing field and a magical silent bucket list inevitably begins to formulate in the depths of your sagging storehouse of cynicism and sarcasm

The difficult part of 50 is that i think most people can admit they are not likely to live until 100 ( yea yea bla bla bla we’re living longer, medical advancements , bla bla bla) but i watch Global news and during one of the segments on the news they publically acknowledge those turning 100 or more , what i notice is that there is typically only one or two a day , if any, that’s because living to 100 is a great feat i suppose ...50 is half of 100 if you didn’t already know ...49 is half of 98 but you don’t see 98 ers being acknowledged on Global News , so living to be 98 is no big deal i guess ,but living to 100 obviously is, however, the way the world is going , would i even want to. There is a secret little place inside each bereaved parent ( who believes that there is something beyond this life ) that each day we are a bit closer to seeing our child , so i’m not whinning about dying at this point , i’m just wondering ...now what? Anybody else wondering now what?

I don’t mean “now what” in this huge grand decision of “what to do with the rest of my life” I’m not going back to school to gain a PHd in English Lit or Art History , I’m not on an Eat Pray Love journey , I’ not running away to Saltspring Island to take up the flute and grow out all my body hair until i shine like sterling silver, my career is what it is , its’ not always an easy job ( compounded issues when you’ve lost a child but...) much of it is frustrating and heartbreaking but for now at best it’s a necessary job. I consider myself a fairly grounded person, cynical at times with a few quirks that keep me sane/insane ( fine line) I’ve seen the Good , Bad and Ugly of this city , my world , this global world so i know my place in it , kinda, know what i should be doing , kinda and definitely know where i’m falling short.

Since the buzz word of “bucket list “ became a thing ( thanks to some stupid movie) i have questioned a few people on what their bucket list looks like and i gotta say i’m looking a little lame ...stuck somewhere between philosophies of “live simply and appreciate the little joys and run out and grab the world by the ...”i don’t have any desire to jump out of a plane , i don’t think it has anything to do with fear , but in saying that i’ve faced enough fears in life that i don’t have any desire to chase fears that i don’t have to, period. Travel? mmm yeah , to a point , there’s a few places i’d like to see, mostly i’d love to experience the Northern lights from a very northern point. ( i love anything that luminates, i told you i was quirky) I’d like to learn to surf , I want to read a few very important books , yes the classics...Little Women , i stopped at page 157 the night i read to Ashley before she passed away and haven’t been able to pick it back up , I really should find out what happens at the end ...and the Bible , i have 100 pages left , Old Testament and it’s mind boggling and i’m a little worried i’ll be even more confused at the end ...my faith remains strong but my understanding is a work in progress and i don’t want it tampered with too much. I want to continue with running but don’t have that “marathon “ appetite at this point ( i prefer treadmills, i’m a glutton for constant digital feedback) i would like to write something other than observational reports at work and facebook blogs. Mostly I want to see my children grow to be loving caring capable yet gentle humans with a strong faith to carry them through all of life and yes i look forward to grandchildren ( okay not anytime soon , no rings yet lol)

So there it is in all it’s quirkiness, what about you , are you facing a similar age/ life milestone, what’s on your list , what wisdom can you impart on this old broad.

50 and feelin it ‘

Peace,

lori