Living Vicariously

Several years ago i attended a job workshop entitled “Vicarious Trauma” i suppose the title is self explanatory but basically it was discussing self-care in the helping field, often times when dealing with someone else’s trauma in can adversly effect the “helper”. I can’t remember the antidote or recommendation or self care techniques they encouraged (sometimes i tend to drift off during workshops) i imagine it was a long walk on the beach or a bubble bath etc bla bla bla. I always thought the title seemed a bit”woe is me “ considering someone else is living the trauma and here we are concerned about how it will effect “me” peripherally.

I speak of this now as the Christmas season is upon most of us and the world around us lately just seems off kilter .I am speaking vicariously ... I did not have to vote in the US election and though it will effect Canadians to some degree i’m glad i am not an American in these days, my child did not attend Abby Senior nor does she know any of the victims, we are no longer in the childhood cancer hospital routine , i have not been effected by Fetanyl tragedies , i am not inflicted with daily pain , i am not ( as far as i know ) getting divorced . Why do i mention these things ? Because if you aren’t dealing with the really really hard stuff and your life is status quo , maybe a few of life’s everyday situations then really you’ve got it all. I am not trying to sound like one of those annoying facebook meme’s that has life all tied up with a bow in a sentence or two.

The world is hurting ,the world is on fire and much of the news from across the world (and home) is so hard to grasp and has become so “everyday’ that we become more effected by an SPCA commercial then we are about children being blown up in Aleppo. Typically this time of year does a real number on me , we are approaching the anniversary of diagnosis day and that our lives will never truly be the same but what i have learned especially about this time of year is that it can be a very difficult time for many , Christmas will not be merry , Christmas will not be status quo , it will be a new normal for many, it will be reinventing the wheel , wanting to hide, feeling left out ...it is important to give financially this time of the year where you can , many of the charities depend on the giving spirit to sustain them throughout the year but just as importantly is recognizing that if this is a status quo year for you , then be over the moon with the normalness because next year or the year after things may look very different .

Be mindful of the the people you have on Facebook as you post your Merry Christmas plans etc. Be gentle with those whose plans/life have been turned upside down , don’t get bogged down by the absolute waste of time , money and energy “things” There are still days i wish i could close my eyes and wake up in the New Year. Every morning when i turn on the computer my first few updates are from a site of bereaved parents of Childhood Cancer, many of the entries are new inductees , raw , broken , hopeless, frustrated with people who ( i assume) are trying to find the right words to say to them and often times say hurtful things ...God DID NOT need another angel !!!! God is not punishing you , things Do NOT happen for a fricken reason ( well not in the existential way , like obviously if you drive 100mph towards a brick wall then yea you’re gonna die ...so yeah the reason you died is cause you drove 100 mph into a brick wall , duh ..) but no ,not a divine intervention reason , ugh!

So be with the broken , do not expect anything from them, be mindful of them , get them through , be practical and don’t forget them 2 weeks after their tragedy , it is often weeks down the line when the pain truly sets in, try not to walk away saying “thank God it’s not me “and return to your “merry little Christmas” ( sorry that sounded kinda catty) There will be people this year in the stores and malls who will have to leave the store because hearing “ i’ll have a blue Christmas without you” will send them running for the exit doors , be mindful of your Christmas cards , include their loved ones name in some form , Christmas may still have to go on for them but offer to Christmas shop for them , bring them a meal , bring them wine , cry with them , like ugly cry with them . bring them a soft blanket , soup , don’t ask them why they don’t have a tree, give them a hand massage ( do not underestimate this , it is therapeutic) take care of their children , take them on an outting ( for more ideas just message me ) If you say your sending prayers then get down on your knees and pray for them , i mean right down , crickity ole knees and all and pray something meaningful, peace , comfort , wisdom. Speak their loved ones name , help them to honor their loved one in a meaningful way ( message me for more ideas on this ).

Our lives will never be “normal “ again and often when i had heard others who have gone through similar say “it gets easier” i thought to myself well maybe for you but i don’t think it’s gonna be that way for me ( i guess like somehow i loved my child more than they loved theirs, i don’t know ) There is a sense of some routine restored or reinvented i guess, we don’t have it all figured out but somehow time and space do provide a sense of a scab over the wound.

Life is not always a Currier and Ives greeting card. So yes live a bit vicariously through or with someone else this year and may you truly appreciate the absolute bliss of normalness .

Peace

p.s i just looked up the word normalness , it’s not really a word but i think it should be