Happy 19th Ash

Happy 19th Birthday Ashley,
I can't believe you would have been 19 today.

It is raining this morning and i don't think it has rained once on your birthday since the day you were born,actually it was a summer storm, one that broke into a beautiful just after sunrise (hence your stormy dawn name). i'm not sure how you would have celebrated today but something tells me it wouldn't have been in the normal "19 year old" fashion or maybe i'm just naive and think of you still at 16...life in its normal way kinda stopped for you then , not that you stopped maturing in fact i think that's when you became the wise old soul that i cherish. I wouldn't be human if i didn't wish you were here right now , but in my heart of hearts i know how unfair that would be, because i suspect by now you have found your way home and pitty us poor souls who live in this wandering world , lost and confused.

We raised butterflies again this year , however, many of them didn't make it, they are in a beautiful atrium and as i went to feed one yesterday, it got away , i found it a few minutes later and struggled with what to do with it, i caught it and placed it back into the atrium until today , i know that you would have told me to set it free regardless of it being a day too early, i suppose that human part of me just wanted to hang on a little longer, i'm sorry its just not that easy to let her go(did i say her?) i guess i just want to keep it safe where i can watch over it, but today they will all be free and i imagine they will all eventually find their way home , their time here on earth is short but long enough to bring joy to those they bless with their beauty. We will be surrounded by family and friends today and we will remember birthdays past , your 1st , your 5th , your 10th , your 13th , and finally your 16th , they are a klaidescope in my mind of blown out candles, brand new shiny bicycles, warm sunny days,children's laughter and slumber parties and your dad's silly antics and puppies and horseback rides into the sunset and butterflies... always seems to be a butterfly, somewhere. Those memories hold such salty tears as they pass by my mouth to form puddles on the ground big enough to see reflections in them, the kind that change colours like a klaidescope.I'm going to work in your garden now,make a temporaryy home for your butterflies (kinda like how i'd clean your room before your party) i know it's raining but maybe they are tears of joy and splendor from heaven for a time we will all be together again. Happy Birthday baby girl

Childrun 2011

Just a quick note tonight to send out great big thank you's to our Ashleys Journey run team and our amazing supporters and donors, many of which we have never met.
We were up at 6 this morning to get to the new location of this year's Childrun, which was relocated a few blocks from BCCH due to the construction of the new hospital(Yippee)

Things went very smoothly considering parking was a nightmare, hence leaving at 6 because of my over(anal)organized hubby.The whole gang was there and my sister and her girls were newcomers this year,having to travel from Bowen Island,as well my brother in law , thank you all for coming, out team is growing every year. The day was beautiful , couldn't ask for a better day and of course running or beating times was not the objective, we walked and laughed and shed a few tears but all in all it was a nice day, we are so blessed.

I want to give a sweet thank you to all my little neices who got up in front of their classes and gave speeches and accounts of their understanding of what the run meant to them,and what their cousin had to go through. I love to hear the outcomes of the stories of their schoolmates bringing in their piggybanks and the compassion their great big hearts pour out. Thank you to all the parents who heard the story, encouraged their children ...you have probably taught them more than they will ever learn in a classroom.

To all our faithful supporters, you continue to make us grateful we have such wonderful people in our life. I would love to share more of our day with you but although it was only 5k i'm exhausted, emotionally draining day as it is also miracle weekend and we are so vividly reminded of those still fighting, so again, thank you on behalf of them as well.

Thank You Ashleys Journey run team, supporters, donors, family and friends.
Much Peace and Love
Lori

Spring

Ahhh my first weekday off in i don't know how long and i sit here listening to the rain pound down as if it were late October, wondering where spring is, i know it is midway through May and my calendar reminds me of my insane weeks ahead but for some reason i am still stuck in drearyland , i blame it on the weather, must be that change of season thing i don't do very well at anymore, some sunshine would help.



Have to say as hard as it was getting rid of my van i am enjoying my new vehicle, despite the fact that i haven't been able to use the sunroof( as outlined above) but i am appreciating complimentary Sirius radio... for probably a limited amount of time ...but i tell you when i am having a bad day that spa station eases my stress and makes the drive a little more bearable (where was this during hospital season) sometimes its not even the song itself its the title of the song , it always seems to fit the feeling, like a little message or mini sermon or counselling session( wow i'm a wack a doodle) Last Saturday we sported our "Ashley team" tshirts gathered our group and set out in 3 vehicles to BCCH, i said a little prayer for the day that was upon us and as i looked down at the radio screen the song title playing on my spa station was "healing" how utterly perfect....Anyways , a great big thank you to Baillie , Ashley's bff, she shaved her head this past weekend at the annual Balding for Dollars event at BCCH raising well over $1300.00 for children and families fighting childhood cancer, by the way she looks beautiful and it kinda suits her , blends well with her piercings etc, again it was one of those rainy days that seemed to clear up especially for the event , like the heavens were singing down upon us. Baillie came well prepared with an entourage of support, we were very proud of her not just for shaving her head but for truly remembering Ashley and honouring her fight , i know she will be asked about it for weeks to come and she will share her very special story of she and Ashleys friendship. Thank you Baillie.Have to say it was a bitttersweet day as most of these events usually are, smiling and tearing up at the same time, there is no avoiding her medical team at these events , sorry if that sounds cold, i have a special place in my heart for them but they are the "in your face " reminders of a very cruel time, in their embrace i feel their sorrow and in their face i see how they've aged in a world that is far too indiscriminant. I saw families that were still fighting and ones that seemed to be missing someone , (no explanation needed). We avoided t.v. and radio stuff and decided just to be there to celebrate the fight Of Ashley and so many others who have to wear their disease so visually. Thank you to Baillie's family for supporting such an awesome kid and for stepping into this world with us for a while. The day ended nicely with friends making us dinner and watching the hockey game which i have recently been far more amused by watching the people watch the game then i have the actual game , we are silly creatures.



If you are wondering what to do with all your surplus of cash may i gently suggest our upcoming fundraisers , we have put together a team for the run this year , lol..i think it s always so funny when i say the word run , i actually mean stroll, some in no mental shape to be running from celebrartory bbq's the night before but hey if it means more donations i'll give it a go. This is our 4th annual run and i just want to thank you for all your previous support and prayers , the cost of this disease is ridiculous and every little bit helps , you'd be surprised to hear the staggering costs of how much it costs just to write a grant for trial medications , i digress and save you the shock factor , but please know that although many of you will never have to face it ( childhood cancer) those that do need every penny.

Darcy's industry golf tournament is just around the corner, another sport i have to fake , we should really consider a ski fundraisier or wine tasting fundraiser ...(hhmmm mental note to Lori) we are very pleased to announce that funds will be going to BCCCPA (in Ashleys name) this year to assist families struggling financially with the demands of fighting childhood cancer, i'm sure you've heard my stories of families that have been completely wiped out due to the financial burden ..."no our medical system foes NOT cover everything and NO E.I does not take pity for more than 6 weeks for families who have to leave their job" so a cause that is definitely worth fighting for, again i pray none of you ever have to deal with this first hand.



Fundraising and all that year end stuff including Ashley's scholarship selection and presentation , dance competitions, Darcy getting the boat ready for summer ( yikes poor wallet) etc i am looking forward to the sunny days ahead. May sunshine and peace fall upon you all. on these dreary days. A new season is upon us. God Bless.



Peace,

Lori



P.S.

Thank you to Ashleys school for choosing their recent fundraiser and honouring it in her name , funny how sometimes you don't see how far reaching things are , how random, i found out so uneventfully that they chose this cause after hearing one of Ashleys doctors speak about her at a Kiwanis meeting, feels like the definition of whisper or a breeze.



Anyone seen "rabbit Hole " yet planning to watch it with a box of kleenex and kindered friends, the trailers look a bit familiar , think im in for a "My Sisters Keeper" kind of relatable movie

Stumbling Through This Week

Stumbling Through This Week

It's late on February 12 2011 as i begin this note , i have so much tied to this day as it stands out as another one of those markers that are burned into my memory at such a cellular level that it may take minutes to finish this blog or it may take days.

I know many of you are aware that we are facing the upcoming 2 year mark of Ashleys passing from this world on the 16th, but as i recall the days prior, it is the 12th that leaps out to me as lost hope for what we had placed our faith into ,which was a miracle a cure a healing here on earth.

Early that morning Ashley had been complaining of pain in her ribs,i knew it was not a good sign but thought that maybe these last couple months of the "try it and see drugs " and the fact we had moved her care closer to home may have meant this was some kinda wierd healing pain. That was not so.

As the Dr. called us into the meeting room, which eerily resembled the one at Childrens he was seated next to a social worker, between their body language , looks on their faces, and my own well seasoned knowledge of this set up, i knew, but the news of "i'm sorry there's nothing more we can do" still threw me for a shock, next came questions like how long ? etc. etc, questions that are so unnatural for a parent to ask about their own child. I sat with the social worker for what felt like an eternity, how i had only known her for such a short time but here i was purging my soul ache to her, she was good at her job , never offered one piece of advice just listened to the sound of pain and fought back her own tears. The Dr. told us we may have several weeks, maybe months , never did i imagine that 4 days later she would close her eyes and enter sleep in heavenly peace. I didn't get the chance to ask her questions about her final wishes , it was a subject i would have let her leave hints for as time drew closer but that time never presented an opportunity , maybe it wasn't supposed to.

We therefore stumble through special dates only hoping we are doing what she would have wanted. This year we have decided to " lay low" for some reason this year seems a bit tougher than last year ,so much for time healing all wounds (pphh). Last year we invited those who wanted to participate in a balloon release and bible reading at the placement of her grave marker, followed by a gathering at our home. This year seems different and feels as if we just need to find ways to spend some quiet time, we have some ideas on how to honour Ashley and her interests, but feel we need to tread softly, a day of reverance i suppose. Maybe each year will be something different , who knows. There are many events and public ways we are involved in our journey throughout the year but this is one day we have decided to keep sacred. We will always continue to release balloons because it was something we did every year for fun anyways , i invite anyone who would like to find a way to remember Ashley to find a nice patch of sky wherever you are and send a balloon into the heavens and let her know you're thinking of her, or a random act of kindness,or send us an email , let us know how things are with you and yours, do you do anything different now? is your family any different now ? Do you hug your kids a little tighter? Funny cause i guess when your child leaves this earth, you want to know that it wasn't in vain, that their legacy continues to live on. When your child dies of a disease you can fundraise and raise awareness all you want but there isn't always something that changes , like in the case of getting laws passed or new inititatives because of the circumstance in how they died, so hearing the smallest thing about how your child made a difference ...means she made a difference... she shared and taught her faith in God and had a beautiful spirit ..this i know.

It will be a tough week if we appear like zombies, were not quite, feeling a little depleted like my body hasn't had vegetables or fruit or water or something., maybe just an empty feeling . I am confident that through prayers, faith and the grace of God we will continue to heal , we thank you for your genuine concern , your thoughts and prayers, we are blessed.



Peace,

Lori

Resolutions

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans

Well a couple weeks into a new year and trying not to fall into that resolution trap, at least not without caveats. I don't really recognize Jan 1 as a new year anymore, well not spiritually anyways , think i have set aside a new date for that, realizing that there really is always a time to transform the mind and heart at any stage. My opening statement always cracks me up because it gives a mental picture of how silly us humans envision our life , like we have complete control and say over the events that happen to us, when really we only have control over how we respond to them. I used to be 5 year planner kinda person now i rarely plan 5 minutes ahead, not to say there is anything wrong with goals and making sure you book prime time off of work for summer and winter holidays but that's still only an "if"... always purchase cancellation insurance both financially and emotionally.

Speaking of winter holidays , have to say that Christmas was not all that bad, not great , not painless but not too bad. Promised myself i would not over book anything and not require too much of ourselves during the holidays but still found myself busy ...yuck...did manage to keep to my promise that i wouldn't do anything too obligatory like decorations, baking and sending out Christmas cards, thank you for understanding, i'm sure you weren't sitting at your mailbox pining away for one from us but thank you for the ones you sent, not even going to rant this year about Christmas form letters , just giggle silently to myself ,ooops did i say that out loud? Darcy and i were able to get away to the sunshine coast for a couple days prior to our Christmas week ski trip and after he finished his navigation boating course , can't just take the mindless one on the computer has to learn everything and anything, charts , maps etc so think a sailboat may be slipping into our future, not sure hows he's going to pull skiiers and tubes now but he has sometime to figure that out, a nice distraction. Skiing was amazing ,stayed at a different place this year that seemed to have all the comforts of home including a kitchen (yuk) but Darcy had cooked his famous lasgana etc prior to going, that, a bottle of baileys, and we ate (and drank) well, weather was amazing and kids rarely fought , i got my Christmas gift this year. To tell you the truth we didnt even realize it was Christmas day until about 4:00 when we came off the mountain to get ready to go to dinner.

New Years was spent quietly with the girls having some friends over for Chrity's bday watching movies that were not properly rated and so began my quiet contimplation of New Years resolutions avec caveats. I won't go into detail but will say that i'm failing miserably , just ask the poor telemarketer who just phoned on my only day off this week...urgh!!!So, i guess try to eat healthier this year, no more skipping meals. l'st year was difficult cause it was back to cooking after having spent a year indulging on all the yummy food you stalked us up with , i should probably be asking for some of those recipes.Yes, be kinder to others , give more , smile more even if i have to fake it til i make it, exercise more blah blah blah , watch the sarcasm ... ha!!! good one , way too much material and brilliant leaders for that and i don't like to disappoint people, that trumps , drinking , well i will always stick to my water into wine thing, it's biblical ( in moderation of course) speaking of biblical... remembering who my teacher is and where to put my faith, where to turn in times of trouble who to thank for my blessings and who to ask forgiveness from, and if i'm asking for it guess that means i have to give it too..."forgive everyone everything" ..hard thing to do for some ...CAVEAT : doesn't mean you have to put yourself back in the same line of fire, means you let go , move on and stay clear of the negative or harmful influences... such a hardass, working on that too but realizing its a little ingrained need to keep a little for special occasions ...lol

This Febraury will mark two years for us since saying goodbye to Ashley(physically) there has been alot of sideline trauma and anxiety that goes along with that, so maybe this year will try to live like were not waiting for the ball to drop, maybe when i see an email from her dr. it IS because he IS wishing us Merry Christmas,not sending me bad news, so i can open up the email and not chuck out the computer. Ahh removal of the negative influences and welcoming of the good... CAVEAT: knowing the difference. Happy New year, may it bring you the strength, faith and gratitude you need to grow to meet the challenges and blessings that lie ahead.

Peace,
Lori

Tis the Season

Well i suppose that season is upon us, still a bittersweet one for us , one we are still stumbling through. Had this season not been so representative of the beginning of our journey mixed in with Christmas it may have been a little easier to separate, but for whatever reason we brace for the two extreme emotions as Christmas falls upon us. In a week from today we will so somberly remember the day we were given the first horrific news in this never ending journey, for now ,it is the lead up to the impending doom we experienced on December 16 2007. I cannot ignore the fact that the rituals of Christmas has brought us many tears , the simple sight of a Christmas tree to this day reminds me of our perfect little tree that sat undecorated in our living room the day we brought it home December 16 2007, a few hours before Ashley was diagnosed. How it begged to be decorated as we trudged back and forth from the hospital those cold days leading up to Christmas , too worn out , too broken and to separated from one another to adorn any Christmas hope upon it. It was finally decorated on Dec 24 when Ashley came home for a couple days,but somehow i knew our Christmasses would never be the same , our unthinking Chritmasses were gone for good.



The next year wasn't much brighter , we were facing hard news and unspoken fears , I remember Christy fussing over the perfection of the tree, how she became quite annoyed by anything that was out of place , how she struggled to get the lights on the tree refusing any assistance,perhaps she knew ,perhaps this was her way of controlling one last little piece of Christmas that would never be the same, i weep for that moment today , how we silently knew this was all in vain , the frivollous part of Christmas really didn't matter anymore, strip it all away and get back to what matters this very moment, not the tree , not the gifts , not the food...just hope and faith.



We have chosen not to decorate a tree this year, well that's not true ... we actually decorated our tree a few weeks ago, however, it did not sit in our living room, it showcased itself at the Tradex Christmas show in Abbotsford . The Ashley's journey team decided to decorate and enter an "Ashleys Comfort Bag" tree into the festival of trees contest, it was of course that day that it snowed ,so family and friends drudged out into the elements and adorned the tree with items we use in creating Ashleys Comfort Bags , toothpaste, toothbrushes , razors , shampoo etc etc, we placed Ashley bags under the tree and names of families we had faced cancer with ,we put an angel on the top and a butterfly decoration slightly below. It must have worked because we won first place($500.00 for our cause) what an honour. We were among good company The Gaby Davis foundation, (if you ever need a cause to give to this would be it....helping families financially through the devestaion of childhood cancer) Strangely enough the trees that surrounded Ashley's tree were The Salvation Army ,( our church) The SPCA (aslheys fave cause). The Agri-fair where she and Sophy would compete in 4-H demonstrations , and her school,what a representation of her life. So really, we did decorate the tree this year , not in our typical robotic way, but with purpose and fullfillment , so we are not sad about not decorating a home tree this year ,we will be gone anyways , off skiing for a few days, not to avoid or escape necassarily just to rebuild. Thank you for supporting us.



The Ashleys Comfort Bag idea is growing hugely, as we speak , the North Shore news is photographing and doing an editorial for the next edition, this comes on the heels of a recent campaign by the Lynn Valley merchants to collect donations for Ashleys bags, initiated by my friend Patty (a long time resident and business person in Lynn Valley, )we got a chance to go around and thank the store owners the other day, strangers are sometimes angels in disguise.



That being said, and although,I try not to attatch myself to anything that does not have or has never had a heartbeat or a soul,yesterday we had to say goodbye to an angel -type figure in our life , i know this may sound silly but it was my car , my van , my Sienna girl, don't want this to sound petty and materialistic but it was another representation of time and passing, things come and go , everything eventually turns to dust , so it is not neccasarily the "thing " we miss it is what it represents.

We bought Sienna a few short weeks before Ashley got sick, i remember us contimplating the van or an SUV, for some reason we went for the van and glad we did, if you recall gas prices back then we would have been in the poor house pretty quickly with the soon impending drive we would have to make regularly. Sienna put up with alot of crap, she put on alot of miles very quickly , she withstood bad weather drives and the slamming of brakes, she put up with people cutting her off because her handler wasn't always focussed , she put up with a master who subjected her to road rageous moments , she's seen plenty of tears , been puked on , bumped into , backed into , suffered the over use of her horn, had her gages pounded on in hissy fits of unfairness, been kicked , starved for fuel and still managed to get us safely and comfortably to and fro from some of our darkest places , she has made decisions on her own when my mind was not working, she has gotten me out of tickets and delivered me to places i didn't want to go alone, she sat in lonely parking lots for days warding off any potential thieves. She followed the sun on days that were ok and days i had forgotten my way, She brought us home on day the skies wept along with us , wiping away the rain like she wiping away our tears. We will miss you Sienna you were like an angel in disguise, may another family appreciate you as we have.



I would like to take this time to thank you for your extra attention , your acknowledgemnts of our feelings during this season, thank you for thinking of Ashley at this time , we would like to make light suggestions to those of you who have been asking about making donations in Ashleys name during this season and the upcoming anniversary of Ashley passing (Feb) We are so grateful to all the attention and thought you bring to our world. we thank you for the cheques and money in her honour , however, we find ourselves having to make difficult decisions on where it goes, many people suggest giving it to research etc or Canandain Cancer foundation but i feel sometimes it may be directionless and not sure if i should be inquiring any further into how specific it should be ...the charity is vast ...many say they want it to go to the kids cancer ward, again very vast. Our suggestions include but are not limited to BCCH in memory of Ashley Lowey , it is an ongoing legacy memorial which is self directed to specific research, or child life dept /oncology BCCH ,or Ashleys Comfort Bags .account Vancity... SPCA , Cops for Cancer, Childrun,Gaby Davis Foundation or BCCCPA, or into a Salavation Army kettle,please feel free to choose any of these, i am putting this out there only to give direction for those who have been asking , it is not a plea for donations. Many of the times we get notifications on donations made in Ahsleys name but in case they forget ,please let us know that you made the donation , we would love to be able to properly thank you. We never want anything to go un-thanked , we do appreciate everything, especially prayers, thank you for continuing to journey with us. Love to you all, may you find peace and purpose , may you find an angel if you need one , may you be angel if one is needed.





Peace,

Lori

Christys' dance at church ...Lead me by Sanctus Real

Time to expand a little beyond fundraising and the hard stuff and bring you a bit of the other side, those moments that bring a smile to our face and keep us grateful we are still parents with amazing children...This is Christy's moment in the sun ...not like she doesn't get plenty of them , always performing , but after being asked and hesitating several times (too many boys in the audience???) several times from church to perform she finally agreed, and to one of our favourite songs , thank goodness Stef videotaped we had tears in our eyes...so maybe not that lighthearted afterall..lol

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1638535917213&comments