Home

Well, I am happy to report that Christy made it home from Europe safe and sound, not to say that sending her off was an easy task , there were times i wanted to just say "stay home , you have plenty of years to travel , maybe when i'm long gone " but it was an opportunity to venture off and try something new, one of those things you wish you had done when you were young but never did, so you live it vicariously through your children. Darcy required some convincing , he has such a tough time with stuff like that so when Christy texted him at work to tell him she was stuck in some random  elevator in Greece i think it donned on him that he can't do much from here and that he has to let her figure things out on her own, she and the 6 other girls figured it out pretty quickly ...ah cutting of the apron strings....not an easy task. No worn out credit card and a safe trip home despite the Air Canada walk out and she is back to normal. Got me thinking how incredibly technological our world has become, years ago , we may have received a quick phone call to say they arrived safely and maybe a postcard arriving a day or two before their return , but today we have a little thing called facetime , i swear i saw this on a Jetsons episode when i was a kid, a quick click of a button on her ipod and we are communicating with her face to face in real time on Darcy's iphone, we could actually lay eyes on her and be reassured she is doing ok , and hey i actually got to see Turkey and Greece etc with my own eyes , mind you it was from her balcony but whatever it will have to do for now, now if only they could invent this technology to work from Heaven , hhmmm how wonderful that would be ,could you just imagine. i have put this trip of hers into that context several times and it especially hit me at the airport...it felt like we hadn't hugged her or cuddled her in so long so of course we are the first parents at the airport anxcious for her to get home , i imagine the sceanario quite similar to when we see Ashley again , hearing that the time has arrived,she has landed ,waiting amongst others who also wait for the return of their loved ones ,,,swooping in from above ,standing at the gate with so much anticipation, waiting and   watching the streamline of people one by one walking down the long corridor wondering when their turn will be , smiling, rejoicing for those who are before you , i pray its done in alphabetical order , by first name , cause family(last) names finally wont make a lick of difference anymore. At last your turn has arrived , that moment you see their face and can touch them again , the tears are gone , the worries are gone , the baggage doesn't need to be claimed it stays on that revolving belt never to be seen again , it is finished , done, we can go home.
Sometimes our children will beg to go somewhere, some far off land. some new adventure, some time and space were not to sure of , we know it might be best for them but for us were not so sure, but we let them go, trust, and know that they will all be home someday and what a day that was/will be.

3 years

Remembering our beautiful brave girl today, Ashley Ann- Marie Lowey June 29 1992 -Feb 16 2009 Til we meet again.
He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” rev 21:4

Four Years

Dec 16 2007

Me: "Dr. have the ulatrasound results come back yet?
Emerg Dr: (pause) "Is  your husband with you?"
Me: "no, he should be here soon , he's picking up the kids,why"
Dr: "the test result are in and it doesn't look like appendix"
Me: "Oh good then what could it be"
Dr: "I'm sorry ma'am but it looks like cancer"
Me ...inaudibility.

Today is Dec 16 2011, 4 years since those words entered my ears yet could  not find the signal to my brain. somehow it just registered as static, static that blurred my vision and numbed my body one inch at a time until i was paralyzed and running frantically at the same time and somehow it can still do that to me if i let my mind wander too far.
Tomorrow i will send an email to her oncologist, like i am acknowledging some sort of weird warped anniversary of the "day we met" He will email me back and ask me about the girls and what they are up to, he will ask me to give my best to Darcy( cause i know he liked him better than me ... go figure?...lol) and i will ask him about his kids  and his Christmas plans and maybe he will go home that night and he'll either be pleased i still keep in touch despite everything or he'll be reminded of what a crappy job he has sometimes, and unfortunatley he will probably awake the next day and receive another email from a crazy bereaved mom he used to have to "handle' and remember another anniversary of the "day they met"

Thinking of all my bereaved oncology parents. particularly this time of year as we face this with a different reality than most . if the other days of the year are difficult , Christmas and Birthdays are almost unbearable in many ways, sometimes almost wishing that we could just fall asleep until everyone was finished with the merriment , wake up again in the spring. We don't want to write Christmas cards but we don't want our child to be left off of the ones we receive , we want to attend the Christmas concerts but can't help but tear up at concerts past, we want to hang decorations , but can't bear to unwrap those homemade decorations from Kindergarten , we don't want to be downers but probably need uppers just to paint a smile on. It is a marginalizing time of year for bereaved parents , i am grateful to have a home , family and food to eat but i think sometimes this must feel what its like to be those set apart as "needy"or one of the "have nots " just in a different way.

So this is what i imagine for my kindered friends , our kids are   singing and dancing and playing their instruments , having a party , older ones taking care of the younger ones , they are seated and honoured at a very special table having a feast and giggling and waiting for the day we are seated all together again.

To everyone else may you enjoy this time of year , not for the presents ,or all those unneccesary tasks you think you have to do ( you don't) or the hustle and  bustle but for the challenge you can make yourself by celebrating, living and spending as comfortably and as simply and as peacefully as you can.

May God's comfort , peace, love and joy surround you always and prepare you for what life brings you.

Peace be with you,
Lori

Can't Seem To Come Up With A Title

as looking at the date of my last blog and realized i hadn't written in a while ..hence the mood i've been in lately i guess , always looking for external circumstances and usually look up to the night sky and blame it on the full moon, but i don't think there has been one lately so  i can only chalk it up to this time of year. If i were more of a Black Friday shopper i could wrangle all this impending season has to offer and head out for some retail therapy , but i'm not and somehow goes against my new found peace in minimalist thinking , but oh how i miss the little fix i get from purging through plastic.
That being said going to the gym , keeping busy, planning ,organizing,working really does nothing to ease this time time of year or somehow invade my preoccupation of re-living circumstances which took over our lives 4 years ago ...four years...blows me away , i think of the naivety we were living in these few short weeks prior to Dec 16 and long for oblivion we once lived in. I miss the days of my head buried in the sand where "bad things didn't happen to good people" and my faith went untested, which brings me to my point ... a few days ago  a friend had told me that a friend of hers was reading my blog, i always get this wierd feeling when strangers read my blog , kinda like someone going through your garbage, my only hope is that they find something they can use amongst the dirt and mess. Anyways this person , maybe a non-believer , i don;'t know, said to friend " what does she say now about the last line in her opening blog (the preface")my friend politely said well she wrote it after Ashley passed away so i guess she still has faith. I actually had to go back to the opening blog to see what they were talking about ...the last line says something like " i knew at that moment who  and what we needed , would he be willing to listen" Folks i have to make this as clear as possible because if you are struggling with how this can be possible let me tell you it was  an all and out battle for me to get to this point . As you may have read i did not always grow up with faith and to tell you the truth i fought to hang on to whatever faith was during this whole ordeal, often trying anything and everything to find understanding in all this, i looked at healers,  meditation , chinese herbalists, a buddhist monk , lights and crystals etc even mistankingly assuming Dr's were gods , THEY ARE NOT! , and should not have this burden placed upon them , as much as Ashley's Dr and i battled it out at times , never should i have placed the inordinate task or miracle worker on him. It is only through understanding that God answers all prayers but that sometimes the answer is "no " did i actually come to peace and realize that somehow some way this will all work out in the end if my faith stays faithful..it was only by grace i was allowed to have this feeliing ...that's all i can call it ...a feeling , a new feeling , one that replaced complete and utter despair and hopelessness. Faith is defined as "being sure of what we hoped for and certain of what we do not see" i am sure there are caveats in there ...we cannot assume our faith will assure us of winning the lottery or having our "wishes "  granted...God is not our personal genie  it is a belief that what we hoped for, will be, even if we cannot see it , however it has to somehow align with HIs will or purpose . So  faith can go from asking God to cure my daughter , being assured he will, but being ok with it in whatever form that takes. Is she cured , free of pain , at peace .. i know it, i can't see it it , but i know it,it just didn't happen here on earth. There are so many unanswered questions and maybe it will stay like that  no matter how much i search and build faith and i suppose i have to be content with that for now and like i've said before when push comes to shove and your faith is tested you better know where the hell you are going or what and who you're going to drop to your knees to and ask for strength, comfort peace ...and if you don't it wll hit you like a tonne of bricks ...do i think God or Jesus did this to test my faith , absolutely not , i believe in a more compassionate God than that, but do i believe there is evil in this world in the form of many things (cancer included) that put you to the test ...yes.... undoubtedly... then you take that faith mix it with compassion and pass it on to the next person who needs it. There is unfairness all around , close to home , far away .it's the corrupt world we live in FOR NOW ,it is not fair that  a man who  worked hard his whole life has recently passed and left his wife and son to bear his loss ,it is not fair that the young lady living with us was handed the cards she was dealt and never really experienced a loving family already dealing with lonliness at such a young age, or that a young boy from the high school was so depressed his only answer was seemingly suicide...tragic. That  whole in your life... that empty feeling... can be filled, i guess we need to be careful of what we fill it with.
I must say that it is kind of an exciting year in our house, Christy is graduating this year and i  am enjoying it , we missed out on all that when Ashley was sick .  i so wanted to see her graduate and felt so ripped off when i was on the wrong side of the stage at her graduation(handing out her memorial scholarship) faith in knowing she is beyond earthly treasures but oh how i am soaking it up right now ..was exciting watching her get her grad photos , yes i went with her, photographer probs thought i was an idiot , but i held back the tears and was just so happy for this normal teenage moment ,Christy has crossed the threshold of Ashleys age when she passed so everything is so new  ( attitudes included ) but i am loving it , she has her final payment for her trip to Greece so now its  grad dress and luggage shopping ...plastic purging via christy ..yay!
Stefanny and Christy are working alongside each other in the fast food biz ...i won't even go into the details of how that plays out in this family , lets just say Christy has taken the role of older sister to a new level ..ugh! Somehow i believe it goes a little something like this ...Christy sweetly smiling and taking customer's order ...relaying it back to Stefanny and telling her to "get a move on"
Britt , my little Britt, who keeps us all grounded and giggling...received her art work in this years kids cancer calendar.. she is so proud...happy to have her BFF home from 9 days of holidays , loved their reunion big hugs , wrestling on the floor like 2 puppies and right back into the world of imagination ....love it, except that i can see them advancing to the next level , BOYS..ugh , still kind at that love hate thing but with this impending grade 5 dance i can hear all the snickers and giggling and " i need a new dress but i'd rather wear jeans " ...."oh girls stay young for just a little longer" , as far as i recall boys are yucky , pesty and nasty at that age ...but what do i know.

Venturing

Okay, one career i know i would never want to pursue is that of a harbour master, especially on an August long weekend/week, it is similar to watching or understanding the logistics of trading at the NYSE or managing crowd control at a Beatles concert (ok well back in the day)Thank God my husband speaks the language and in his own way somehow translates it for me as we are approaching breaakwaters and dock fingers , giving me just enough time to jump on the bow of the boat and lead us into dockspace which usually requires moving boats aside with various parts of my body. This was to be Stormy Dawn's maiden voyage and my intent was to chronicle the adventure along the way, but limited service and long navigating days left little time for story writing.

It was quite a feat just getting to Desolation Sound/Lund Harbour basically it requires packing up everything you own including 2 vehicles 2 rv's and just enough room for the "just in case Mastercard." Darcy's truck, a little finicky... lets just say he's the only one who knows how much you can set the emergency brake , when we sent the truck and trailer up by barge one of his well meaning coworkers set the brake to its full capacity which resulted in smoking brakes by the time we got to the marina, mechanical issues and we're not even there yet...day 1.
The next day we put the boat in the water and off we went with full intentions of circling the Copeland and Discovery islands ...10 minutes and we were back in harbour , stupid boat, i couldn't help but feel terrible for Darcy all the blood sweat and tears that went into this boat over the last couple of months and my newly practiced skill of patience felt useless now. So you would think that boat mechanics would be happy to see you considering the barrell they can have you over on an August long weekend, i swear i saw dollar signs in their corneas as we slither into their boat garage praying our boat doesn't end up in the graveyard of unfixables. After 3 "way too busy's" we finally found a mechanic in town and really what im sure Dacy wanted to say was " just let me have your shop for an hour, i don't need you" yeah that would be like saying "just give me your wife for an hour , i promise i wont wreck anything" ...i think there was a moment he was contimplating a trade there as i became frustrated with my vacation hours slipping away from me. Cha ching a few hours later and were outta there and back on the water.
The girl's only destination desire was Savory island for photo ops of eachother in white bikinis against a backdrop of white sand beaches and turquoise waters. Well they were going to have to work for it this year , this new( to us) boat is a little bigger and little deeper V and unable to shore up, over board they go and swim to shore ( there are no public docks ) we discovered Mystery reef , no mystery if you have a depth sounder , water goes from 480 ft to 8 ft of water in a split second...YIKES!

Next day we were off to Hernandez Island and Cortes Island , named after Spansih exlporer Hernando Cortes in the 1800's. We made it to Squirrel cove on Cortes, beautiful , remote, quaint, rocky bluffs and a great little restaurant right on the water, the best cold watermelon soup and beet salad and shirley temples (as far as Brittanny was concerned). Something very crass about being a family of five and being seated at a table with 6 chairs , instant reminder of something , someone missing.

We skipped Hernando Island when we found out that it is a private Island where tourists are greeted by shotguns, no thanks , my adventurism isn't that needy. Time for the kids to catch their dinner ...off to the island of Major rock where we lowered our prawn and crab traps, 5 dozen prawns over a couple days and one sad little crab , sunset, wine ...sounds like dinner for 2 , sorry kids hotdogs for you (jk they dont like seafood...thank goodness) Ahhh the sunsets, the colour of coral everynight , and everynight we'd hear Darcy enlighten us with his "red sky at night sailors delight ...balh blah blah , toward the end of the trip he would just mumble it to himself ...too many eyerolls i guess. Campground was quiet , various people that camped next to us only seemed to stay one night and then be off...hmm could the bickering of my children possibly have anything to do with it ...way to go kids , i knew that would come in handy. Chocolate cheerios for breakfast and smores before bed will do that. Hey chocolate cheerios, just in case you are judging me is a once a year camping treat and allows Darcy and i to slip away for cinnamon buns and something other than camp coffee at the little marina bakery.

Over the next few days we spotted sea lions and even a dolphin and shellfish galore at Okeover Arm, however, it was red tide and i wasn't going to take the chance of getting sick , apparently the shellfish don't mind us though , bit on the foot by a baby crab, good thing he swam fast or i woulda cooked him up for the hell of it. If you're into kayaking this is the place.

We were able to celebrate our anniversary 22 years (30 years together) and Britt's bday at our favourite little restaurant at the marina. We gave Brittanny decorative little doggy bags, they cost a buck at the dollar store, however, i have never seen a kid more happy in all my life , she knew what it meant, she was finally getting the dog she had been begging for for months, promising us the moon and the stars, its been 2 years since we put Sophy down and i guess the timing was right. Time flew by and bittersweet as it was it was time to pack and leave for the 2 ferry ride home and , you know the journey home almost went smooth,but hey smooth just never seems to be our motto and it seems to hit at the most inopportune time , 30 minutes before our final ferry ride home ,getting into our boarding lane and something snaps on the boat trailer ..."You've got to be kidding me!" Don't ask me really what happened , my brain shuts off when people (Darcy) get talking mechanical crap, all i know is that people are wonderful, within seconds of seeing Darcy under the trailer frantically trying to fix the brokenness we must have had 6 guys and even a couple women offering assitance, whatever they did and despite the several theories of how to fix it , it got done , Darcy with a gash on his head and mickey mousing whatever was wrong we made it on the ferry,probably never to see these people again but knowing we had a pay it forward debt to repay. Darcy looked for them on the ferry but none of them seemed to be there , crap , hope they didn't lose their place in line and get bumped off. Wasn't sitting well with Darcy so he had the ferry announcer guy send out a big thank you from us, maybe they were just tansient angels , but whoever they were...again we are blessed.
Home Sweet home and yes an extra member ...Emma... would you believe a Yorkshire terrier , similar to Sophy, rather ghostly watching Brittanny (so similar to Ash) but a sight for sore grieivng eyes. Home, but thinking a proper anniversary boat excursion minus the mayhem (and kids) is in order very soon...kind of a vacation from the vacation....all in all it was another adventure.

P.S. did I mention the butterflies? Abundant and exotic and always closeby

Peace
Lori

Happy 19th Ash

Happy 19th Birthday Ashley,
I can't believe you would have been 19 today.

It is raining this morning and i don't think it has rained once on your birthday since the day you were born,actually it was a summer storm, one that broke into a beautiful just after sunrise (hence your stormy dawn name). i'm not sure how you would have celebrated today but something tells me it wouldn't have been in the normal "19 year old" fashion or maybe i'm just naive and think of you still at 16...life in its normal way kinda stopped for you then , not that you stopped maturing in fact i think that's when you became the wise old soul that i cherish. I wouldn't be human if i didn't wish you were here right now , but in my heart of hearts i know how unfair that would be, because i suspect by now you have found your way home and pitty us poor souls who live in this wandering world , lost and confused.

We raised butterflies again this year , however, many of them didn't make it, they are in a beautiful atrium and as i went to feed one yesterday, it got away , i found it a few minutes later and struggled with what to do with it, i caught it and placed it back into the atrium until today , i know that you would have told me to set it free regardless of it being a day too early, i suppose that human part of me just wanted to hang on a little longer, i'm sorry its just not that easy to let her go(did i say her?) i guess i just want to keep it safe where i can watch over it, but today they will all be free and i imagine they will all eventually find their way home , their time here on earth is short but long enough to bring joy to those they bless with their beauty. We will be surrounded by family and friends today and we will remember birthdays past , your 1st , your 5th , your 10th , your 13th , and finally your 16th , they are a klaidescope in my mind of blown out candles, brand new shiny bicycles, warm sunny days,children's laughter and slumber parties and your dad's silly antics and puppies and horseback rides into the sunset and butterflies... always seems to be a butterfly, somewhere. Those memories hold such salty tears as they pass by my mouth to form puddles on the ground big enough to see reflections in them, the kind that change colours like a klaidescope.I'm going to work in your garden now,make a temporaryy home for your butterflies (kinda like how i'd clean your room before your party) i know it's raining but maybe they are tears of joy and splendor from heaven for a time we will all be together again. Happy Birthday baby girl

Childrun 2011

Just a quick note tonight to send out great big thank you's to our Ashleys Journey run team and our amazing supporters and donors, many of which we have never met.
We were up at 6 this morning to get to the new location of this year's Childrun, which was relocated a few blocks from BCCH due to the construction of the new hospital(Yippee)

Things went very smoothly considering parking was a nightmare, hence leaving at 6 because of my over(anal)organized hubby.The whole gang was there and my sister and her girls were newcomers this year,having to travel from Bowen Island,as well my brother in law , thank you all for coming, out team is growing every year. The day was beautiful , couldn't ask for a better day and of course running or beating times was not the objective, we walked and laughed and shed a few tears but all in all it was a nice day, we are so blessed.

I want to give a sweet thank you to all my little neices who got up in front of their classes and gave speeches and accounts of their understanding of what the run meant to them,and what their cousin had to go through. I love to hear the outcomes of the stories of their schoolmates bringing in their piggybanks and the compassion their great big hearts pour out. Thank you to all the parents who heard the story, encouraged their children ...you have probably taught them more than they will ever learn in a classroom.

To all our faithful supporters, you continue to make us grateful we have such wonderful people in our life. I would love to share more of our day with you but although it was only 5k i'm exhausted, emotionally draining day as it is also miracle weekend and we are so vividly reminded of those still fighting, so again, thank you on behalf of them as well.

Thank You Ashleys Journey run team, supporters, donors, family and friends.
Much Peace and Love
Lori