Stumbling Through This Week
It's late on February 12 2011 as i begin this note , i have so much tied to this day as it stands out as another one of those markers that are burned into my memory at such a cellular level that it may take minutes to finish this blog or it may take days.
I know many of you are aware that we are facing the upcoming 2 year mark of Ashleys passing from this world on the 16th, but as i recall the days prior, it is the 12th that leaps out to me as lost hope for what we had placed our faith into ,which was a miracle a cure a healing here on earth.
Early that morning Ashley had been complaining of pain in her ribs,i knew it was not a good sign but thought that maybe these last couple months of the "try it and see drugs " and the fact we had moved her care closer to home may have meant this was some kinda wierd healing pain. That was not so.
As the Dr. called us into the meeting room, which eerily resembled the one at Childrens he was seated next to a social worker, between their body language , looks on their faces, and my own well seasoned knowledge of this set up, i knew, but the news of "i'm sorry there's nothing more we can do" still threw me for a shock, next came questions like how long ? etc. etc, questions that are so unnatural for a parent to ask about their own child. I sat with the social worker for what felt like an eternity, how i had only known her for such a short time but here i was purging my soul ache to her, she was good at her job , never offered one piece of advice just listened to the sound of pain and fought back her own tears. The Dr. told us we may have several weeks, maybe months , never did i imagine that 4 days later she would close her eyes and enter sleep in heavenly peace. I didn't get the chance to ask her questions about her final wishes , it was a subject i would have let her leave hints for as time drew closer but that time never presented an opportunity , maybe it wasn't supposed to.
We therefore stumble through special dates only hoping we are doing what she would have wanted. This year we have decided to " lay low" for some reason this year seems a bit tougher than last year ,so much for time healing all wounds (pphh). Last year we invited those who wanted to participate in a balloon release and bible reading at the placement of her grave marker, followed by a gathering at our home. This year seems different and feels as if we just need to find ways to spend some quiet time, we have some ideas on how to honour Ashley and her interests, but feel we need to tread softly, a day of reverance i suppose. Maybe each year will be something different , who knows. There are many events and public ways we are involved in our journey throughout the year but this is one day we have decided to keep sacred. We will always continue to release balloons because it was something we did every year for fun anyways , i invite anyone who would like to find a way to remember Ashley to find a nice patch of sky wherever you are and send a balloon into the heavens and let her know you're thinking of her, or a random act of kindness,or send us an email , let us know how things are with you and yours, do you do anything different now? is your family any different now ? Do you hug your kids a little tighter? Funny cause i guess when your child leaves this earth, you want to know that it wasn't in vain, that their legacy continues to live on. When your child dies of a disease you can fundraise and raise awareness all you want but there isn't always something that changes , like in the case of getting laws passed or new inititatives because of the circumstance in how they died, so hearing the smallest thing about how your child made a difference ...means she made a difference... she shared and taught her faith in God and had a beautiful spirit ..this i know.
It will be a tough week if we appear like zombies, were not quite, feeling a little depleted like my body hasn't had vegetables or fruit or water or something., maybe just an empty feeling . I am confident that through prayers, faith and the grace of God we will continue to heal , we thank you for your genuine concern , your thoughts and prayers, we are blessed.
Peace,
Lori
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Resolutions
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans
Well a couple weeks into a new year and trying not to fall into that resolution trap, at least not without caveats. I don't really recognize Jan 1 as a new year anymore, well not spiritually anyways , think i have set aside a new date for that, realizing that there really is always a time to transform the mind and heart at any stage. My opening statement always cracks me up because it gives a mental picture of how silly us humans envision our life , like we have complete control and say over the events that happen to us, when really we only have control over how we respond to them. I used to be 5 year planner kinda person now i rarely plan 5 minutes ahead, not to say there is anything wrong with goals and making sure you book prime time off of work for summer and winter holidays but that's still only an "if"... always purchase cancellation insurance both financially and emotionally.
Speaking of winter holidays , have to say that Christmas was not all that bad, not great , not painless but not too bad. Promised myself i would not over book anything and not require too much of ourselves during the holidays but still found myself busy ...yuck...did manage to keep to my promise that i wouldn't do anything too obligatory like decorations, baking and sending out Christmas cards, thank you for understanding, i'm sure you weren't sitting at your mailbox pining away for one from us but thank you for the ones you sent, not even going to rant this year about Christmas form letters , just giggle silently to myself ,ooops did i say that out loud? Darcy and i were able to get away to the sunshine coast for a couple days prior to our Christmas week ski trip and after he finished his navigation boating course , can't just take the mindless one on the computer has to learn everything and anything, charts , maps etc so think a sailboat may be slipping into our future, not sure hows he's going to pull skiiers and tubes now but he has sometime to figure that out, a nice distraction. Skiing was amazing ,stayed at a different place this year that seemed to have all the comforts of home including a kitchen (yuk) but Darcy had cooked his famous lasgana etc prior to going, that, a bottle of baileys, and we ate (and drank) well, weather was amazing and kids rarely fought , i got my Christmas gift this year. To tell you the truth we didnt even realize it was Christmas day until about 4:00 when we came off the mountain to get ready to go to dinner.
New Years was spent quietly with the girls having some friends over for Chrity's bday watching movies that were not properly rated and so began my quiet contimplation of New Years resolutions avec caveats. I won't go into detail but will say that i'm failing miserably , just ask the poor telemarketer who just phoned on my only day off this week...urgh!!!So, i guess try to eat healthier this year, no more skipping meals. l'st year was difficult cause it was back to cooking after having spent a year indulging on all the yummy food you stalked us up with , i should probably be asking for some of those recipes.Yes, be kinder to others , give more , smile more even if i have to fake it til i make it, exercise more blah blah blah , watch the sarcasm ... ha!!! good one , way too much material and brilliant leaders for that and i don't like to disappoint people, that trumps , drinking , well i will always stick to my water into wine thing, it's biblical ( in moderation of course) speaking of biblical... remembering who my teacher is and where to put my faith, where to turn in times of trouble who to thank for my blessings and who to ask forgiveness from, and if i'm asking for it guess that means i have to give it too..."forgive everyone everything" ..hard thing to do for some ...CAVEAT : doesn't mean you have to put yourself back in the same line of fire, means you let go , move on and stay clear of the negative or harmful influences... such a hardass, working on that too but realizing its a little ingrained need to keep a little for special occasions ...lol
This Febraury will mark two years for us since saying goodbye to Ashley(physically) there has been alot of sideline trauma and anxiety that goes along with that, so maybe this year will try to live like were not waiting for the ball to drop, maybe when i see an email from her dr. it IS because he IS wishing us Merry Christmas,not sending me bad news, so i can open up the email and not chuck out the computer. Ahh removal of the negative influences and welcoming of the good... CAVEAT: knowing the difference. Happy New year, may it bring you the strength, faith and gratitude you need to grow to meet the challenges and blessings that lie ahead.
Peace,
Lori
Well a couple weeks into a new year and trying not to fall into that resolution trap, at least not without caveats. I don't really recognize Jan 1 as a new year anymore, well not spiritually anyways , think i have set aside a new date for that, realizing that there really is always a time to transform the mind and heart at any stage. My opening statement always cracks me up because it gives a mental picture of how silly us humans envision our life , like we have complete control and say over the events that happen to us, when really we only have control over how we respond to them. I used to be 5 year planner kinda person now i rarely plan 5 minutes ahead, not to say there is anything wrong with goals and making sure you book prime time off of work for summer and winter holidays but that's still only an "if"... always purchase cancellation insurance both financially and emotionally.
Speaking of winter holidays , have to say that Christmas was not all that bad, not great , not painless but not too bad. Promised myself i would not over book anything and not require too much of ourselves during the holidays but still found myself busy ...yuck...did manage to keep to my promise that i wouldn't do anything too obligatory like decorations, baking and sending out Christmas cards, thank you for understanding, i'm sure you weren't sitting at your mailbox pining away for one from us but thank you for the ones you sent, not even going to rant this year about Christmas form letters , just giggle silently to myself ,ooops did i say that out loud? Darcy and i were able to get away to the sunshine coast for a couple days prior to our Christmas week ski trip and after he finished his navigation boating course , can't just take the mindless one on the computer has to learn everything and anything, charts , maps etc so think a sailboat may be slipping into our future, not sure hows he's going to pull skiiers and tubes now but he has sometime to figure that out, a nice distraction. Skiing was amazing ,stayed at a different place this year that seemed to have all the comforts of home including a kitchen (yuk) but Darcy had cooked his famous lasgana etc prior to going, that, a bottle of baileys, and we ate (and drank) well, weather was amazing and kids rarely fought , i got my Christmas gift this year. To tell you the truth we didnt even realize it was Christmas day until about 4:00 when we came off the mountain to get ready to go to dinner.
New Years was spent quietly with the girls having some friends over for Chrity's bday watching movies that were not properly rated and so began my quiet contimplation of New Years resolutions avec caveats. I won't go into detail but will say that i'm failing miserably , just ask the poor telemarketer who just phoned on my only day off this week...urgh!!!So, i guess try to eat healthier this year, no more skipping meals. l'st year was difficult cause it was back to cooking after having spent a year indulging on all the yummy food you stalked us up with , i should probably be asking for some of those recipes.Yes, be kinder to others , give more , smile more even if i have to fake it til i make it, exercise more blah blah blah , watch the sarcasm ... ha!!! good one , way too much material and brilliant leaders for that and i don't like to disappoint people, that trumps , drinking , well i will always stick to my water into wine thing, it's biblical ( in moderation of course) speaking of biblical... remembering who my teacher is and where to put my faith, where to turn in times of trouble who to thank for my blessings and who to ask forgiveness from, and if i'm asking for it guess that means i have to give it too..."forgive everyone everything" ..hard thing to do for some ...CAVEAT : doesn't mean you have to put yourself back in the same line of fire, means you let go , move on and stay clear of the negative or harmful influences... such a hardass, working on that too but realizing its a little ingrained need to keep a little for special occasions ...lol
This Febraury will mark two years for us since saying goodbye to Ashley(physically) there has been alot of sideline trauma and anxiety that goes along with that, so maybe this year will try to live like were not waiting for the ball to drop, maybe when i see an email from her dr. it IS because he IS wishing us Merry Christmas,not sending me bad news, so i can open up the email and not chuck out the computer. Ahh removal of the negative influences and welcoming of the good... CAVEAT: knowing the difference. Happy New year, may it bring you the strength, faith and gratitude you need to grow to meet the challenges and blessings that lie ahead.
Peace,
Lori
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Tis the Season
Well i suppose that season is upon us, still a bittersweet one for us , one we are still stumbling through. Had this season not been so representative of the beginning of our journey mixed in with Christmas it may have been a little easier to separate, but for whatever reason we brace for the two extreme emotions as Christmas falls upon us. In a week from today we will so somberly remember the day we were given the first horrific news in this never ending journey, for now ,it is the lead up to the impending doom we experienced on December 16 2007. I cannot ignore the fact that the rituals of Christmas has brought us many tears , the simple sight of a Christmas tree to this day reminds me of our perfect little tree that sat undecorated in our living room the day we brought it home December 16 2007, a few hours before Ashley was diagnosed. How it begged to be decorated as we trudged back and forth from the hospital those cold days leading up to Christmas , too worn out , too broken and to separated from one another to adorn any Christmas hope upon it. It was finally decorated on Dec 24 when Ashley came home for a couple days,but somehow i knew our Christmasses would never be the same , our unthinking Chritmasses were gone for good.
The next year wasn't much brighter , we were facing hard news and unspoken fears , I remember Christy fussing over the perfection of the tree, how she became quite annoyed by anything that was out of place , how she struggled to get the lights on the tree refusing any assistance,perhaps she knew ,perhaps this was her way of controlling one last little piece of Christmas that would never be the same, i weep for that moment today , how we silently knew this was all in vain , the frivollous part of Christmas really didn't matter anymore, strip it all away and get back to what matters this very moment, not the tree , not the gifts , not the food...just hope and faith.
We have chosen not to decorate a tree this year, well that's not true ... we actually decorated our tree a few weeks ago, however, it did not sit in our living room, it showcased itself at the Tradex Christmas show in Abbotsford . The Ashley's journey team decided to decorate and enter an "Ashleys Comfort Bag" tree into the festival of trees contest, it was of course that day that it snowed ,so family and friends drudged out into the elements and adorned the tree with items we use in creating Ashleys Comfort Bags , toothpaste, toothbrushes , razors , shampoo etc etc, we placed Ashley bags under the tree and names of families we had faced cancer with ,we put an angel on the top and a butterfly decoration slightly below. It must have worked because we won first place($500.00 for our cause) what an honour. We were among good company The Gaby Davis foundation, (if you ever need a cause to give to this would be it....helping families financially through the devestaion of childhood cancer) Strangely enough the trees that surrounded Ashley's tree were The Salvation Army ,( our church) The SPCA (aslheys fave cause). The Agri-fair where she and Sophy would compete in 4-H demonstrations , and her school,what a representation of her life. So really, we did decorate the tree this year , not in our typical robotic way, but with purpose and fullfillment , so we are not sad about not decorating a home tree this year ,we will be gone anyways , off skiing for a few days, not to avoid or escape necassarily just to rebuild. Thank you for supporting us.
The Ashleys Comfort Bag idea is growing hugely, as we speak , the North Shore news is photographing and doing an editorial for the next edition, this comes on the heels of a recent campaign by the Lynn Valley merchants to collect donations for Ashleys bags, initiated by my friend Patty (a long time resident and business person in Lynn Valley, )we got a chance to go around and thank the store owners the other day, strangers are sometimes angels in disguise.
That being said, and although,I try not to attatch myself to anything that does not have or has never had a heartbeat or a soul,yesterday we had to say goodbye to an angel -type figure in our life , i know this may sound silly but it was my car , my van , my Sienna girl, don't want this to sound petty and materialistic but it was another representation of time and passing, things come and go , everything eventually turns to dust , so it is not neccasarily the "thing " we miss it is what it represents.
We bought Sienna a few short weeks before Ashley got sick, i remember us contimplating the van or an SUV, for some reason we went for the van and glad we did, if you recall gas prices back then we would have been in the poor house pretty quickly with the soon impending drive we would have to make regularly. Sienna put up with alot of crap, she put on alot of miles very quickly , she withstood bad weather drives and the slamming of brakes, she put up with people cutting her off because her handler wasn't always focussed , she put up with a master who subjected her to road rageous moments , she's seen plenty of tears , been puked on , bumped into , backed into , suffered the over use of her horn, had her gages pounded on in hissy fits of unfairness, been kicked , starved for fuel and still managed to get us safely and comfortably to and fro from some of our darkest places , she has made decisions on her own when my mind was not working, she has gotten me out of tickets and delivered me to places i didn't want to go alone, she sat in lonely parking lots for days warding off any potential thieves. She followed the sun on days that were ok and days i had forgotten my way, She brought us home on day the skies wept along with us , wiping away the rain like she wiping away our tears. We will miss you Sienna you were like an angel in disguise, may another family appreciate you as we have.
I would like to take this time to thank you for your extra attention , your acknowledgemnts of our feelings during this season, thank you for thinking of Ashley at this time , we would like to make light suggestions to those of you who have been asking about making donations in Ashleys name during this season and the upcoming anniversary of Ashley passing (Feb) We are so grateful to all the attention and thought you bring to our world. we thank you for the cheques and money in her honour , however, we find ourselves having to make difficult decisions on where it goes, many people suggest giving it to research etc or Canandain Cancer foundation but i feel sometimes it may be directionless and not sure if i should be inquiring any further into how specific it should be ...the charity is vast ...many say they want it to go to the kids cancer ward, again very vast. Our suggestions include but are not limited to BCCH in memory of Ashley Lowey , it is an ongoing legacy memorial which is self directed to specific research, or child life dept /oncology BCCH ,or Ashleys Comfort Bags .account Vancity... SPCA , Cops for Cancer, Childrun,Gaby Davis Foundation or BCCCPA, or into a Salavation Army kettle,please feel free to choose any of these, i am putting this out there only to give direction for those who have been asking , it is not a plea for donations. Many of the times we get notifications on donations made in Ahsleys name but in case they forget ,please let us know that you made the donation , we would love to be able to properly thank you. We never want anything to go un-thanked , we do appreciate everything, especially prayers, thank you for continuing to journey with us. Love to you all, may you find peace and purpose , may you find an angel if you need one , may you be angel if one is needed.
Peace,
Lori
The next year wasn't much brighter , we were facing hard news and unspoken fears , I remember Christy fussing over the perfection of the tree, how she became quite annoyed by anything that was out of place , how she struggled to get the lights on the tree refusing any assistance,perhaps she knew ,perhaps this was her way of controlling one last little piece of Christmas that would never be the same, i weep for that moment today , how we silently knew this was all in vain , the frivollous part of Christmas really didn't matter anymore, strip it all away and get back to what matters this very moment, not the tree , not the gifts , not the food...just hope and faith.
We have chosen not to decorate a tree this year, well that's not true ... we actually decorated our tree a few weeks ago, however, it did not sit in our living room, it showcased itself at the Tradex Christmas show in Abbotsford . The Ashley's journey team decided to decorate and enter an "Ashleys Comfort Bag" tree into the festival of trees contest, it was of course that day that it snowed ,so family and friends drudged out into the elements and adorned the tree with items we use in creating Ashleys Comfort Bags , toothpaste, toothbrushes , razors , shampoo etc etc, we placed Ashley bags under the tree and names of families we had faced cancer with ,we put an angel on the top and a butterfly decoration slightly below. It must have worked because we won first place($500.00 for our cause) what an honour. We were among good company The Gaby Davis foundation, (if you ever need a cause to give to this would be it....helping families financially through the devestaion of childhood cancer) Strangely enough the trees that surrounded Ashley's tree were The Salvation Army ,( our church) The SPCA (aslheys fave cause). The Agri-fair where she and Sophy would compete in 4-H demonstrations , and her school,what a representation of her life. So really, we did decorate the tree this year , not in our typical robotic way, but with purpose and fullfillment , so we are not sad about not decorating a home tree this year ,we will be gone anyways , off skiing for a few days, not to avoid or escape necassarily just to rebuild. Thank you for supporting us.
The Ashleys Comfort Bag idea is growing hugely, as we speak , the North Shore news is photographing and doing an editorial for the next edition, this comes on the heels of a recent campaign by the Lynn Valley merchants to collect donations for Ashleys bags, initiated by my friend Patty (a long time resident and business person in Lynn Valley, )we got a chance to go around and thank the store owners the other day, strangers are sometimes angels in disguise.
That being said, and although,I try not to attatch myself to anything that does not have or has never had a heartbeat or a soul,yesterday we had to say goodbye to an angel -type figure in our life , i know this may sound silly but it was my car , my van , my Sienna girl, don't want this to sound petty and materialistic but it was another representation of time and passing, things come and go , everything eventually turns to dust , so it is not neccasarily the "thing " we miss it is what it represents.
We bought Sienna a few short weeks before Ashley got sick, i remember us contimplating the van or an SUV, for some reason we went for the van and glad we did, if you recall gas prices back then we would have been in the poor house pretty quickly with the soon impending drive we would have to make regularly. Sienna put up with alot of crap, she put on alot of miles very quickly , she withstood bad weather drives and the slamming of brakes, she put up with people cutting her off because her handler wasn't always focussed , she put up with a master who subjected her to road rageous moments , she's seen plenty of tears , been puked on , bumped into , backed into , suffered the over use of her horn, had her gages pounded on in hissy fits of unfairness, been kicked , starved for fuel and still managed to get us safely and comfortably to and fro from some of our darkest places , she has made decisions on her own when my mind was not working, she has gotten me out of tickets and delivered me to places i didn't want to go alone, she sat in lonely parking lots for days warding off any potential thieves. She followed the sun on days that were ok and days i had forgotten my way, She brought us home on day the skies wept along with us , wiping away the rain like she wiping away our tears. We will miss you Sienna you were like an angel in disguise, may another family appreciate you as we have.
I would like to take this time to thank you for your extra attention , your acknowledgemnts of our feelings during this season, thank you for thinking of Ashley at this time , we would like to make light suggestions to those of you who have been asking about making donations in Ashleys name during this season and the upcoming anniversary of Ashley passing (Feb) We are so grateful to all the attention and thought you bring to our world. we thank you for the cheques and money in her honour , however, we find ourselves having to make difficult decisions on where it goes, many people suggest giving it to research etc or Canandain Cancer foundation but i feel sometimes it may be directionless and not sure if i should be inquiring any further into how specific it should be ...the charity is vast ...many say they want it to go to the kids cancer ward, again very vast. Our suggestions include but are not limited to BCCH in memory of Ashley Lowey , it is an ongoing legacy memorial which is self directed to specific research, or child life dept /oncology BCCH ,or Ashleys Comfort Bags .account Vancity... SPCA , Cops for Cancer, Childrun,Gaby Davis Foundation or BCCCPA, or into a Salavation Army kettle,please feel free to choose any of these, i am putting this out there only to give direction for those who have been asking , it is not a plea for donations. Many of the times we get notifications on donations made in Ahsleys name but in case they forget ,please let us know that you made the donation , we would love to be able to properly thank you. We never want anything to go un-thanked , we do appreciate everything, especially prayers, thank you for continuing to journey with us. Love to you all, may you find peace and purpose , may you find an angel if you need one , may you be angel if one is needed.
Peace,
Lori
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Christys' dance at church ...Lead me by Sanctus Real
Time to expand a little beyond fundraising and the hard stuff and bring you a bit of the other side, those moments that bring a smile to our face and keep us grateful we are still parents with amazing children...This is Christy's moment in the sun ...not like she doesn't get plenty of them , always performing , but after being asked and hesitating several times (too many boys in the audience???) several times from church to perform she finally agreed, and to one of our favourite songs , thank goodness Stef videotaped we had tears in our eyes...so maybe not that lighthearted afterall..lol
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1638535917213&comments
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1638535917213&comments
Thursday, November 18, 2010
words from a grieving parent ...author unknkown...so true
Reposted...author unknown...thank you for posting tracey and Tanya...how true
Words from a grieving parent...
What do we wish others understood about the loss of our child? Here is a partial list of such wishes:
I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important and I need to hear her name.
I wish you wouldn't feel awkward if I mention her name.
If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn't because you hurt me: the fact that my child died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing from your home her picture, artwork, or other remembrances.
I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day my grief is all over, or if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling.
I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy and I wish you wouldn't compare it to the loss of a parent, spouse, or pet. If you lose your parents you are called an orphan, if you lose your spouse you are called a widow or widower, if you lose a child there is no name for you that is how tragic it is.
Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me.
I wish you knew that all the "crazy" grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following the death of a child.
I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us.
As with alcoholics, I will never be "cured" or a "former bereaved parent," but will forever be a "recovering bereaved parent."
I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, lose my short-term memory, develop a host of illness and be accident prone, all of which may be related to my grief.
Our child's birthday, the anniversary of her death, and the holidays will be terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that your are thinking about our child these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about our child and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful.
Please do not compare our grief as a family. Do not act like you know how much everyone is hurting. It is very possible that someone is hurting more than others. Please keep your opinions to yourself you only cause guilt, anger and frustration. Do not turn our grief into a competition. I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.
If you keep waiting for me to get "back to my old self" you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature, with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try to get know the "new me" - maybe you will like me still.
- author unknown
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Reposted...author unknown...thank you for posting tracey and Tanya...how true
Words from a grieving parent...
What do we wish others understood about the loss of our child? Here is a partial list of such wishes:
I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important and I need to hear her name.
I wish you wouldn't feel awkward if I mention her name.
If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn't because you hurt me: the fact that my child died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing from your home her picture, artwork, or other remembrances.
I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day my grief is all over, or if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling.
I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy and I wish you wouldn't compare it to the loss of a parent, spouse, or pet. If you lose your parents you are called an orphan, if you lose your spouse you are called a widow or widower, if you lose a child there is no name for you that is how tragic it is.
Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me.
I wish you knew that all the "crazy" grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following the death of a child.
I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us.
As with alcoholics, I will never be "cured" or a "former bereaved parent," but will forever be a "recovering bereaved parent."
I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, lose my short-term memory, develop a host of illness and be accident prone, all of which may be related to my grief.
Our child's birthday, the anniversary of her death, and the holidays will be terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that your are thinking about our child these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about our child and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful.
Please do not compare our grief as a family. Do not act like you know how much everyone is hurting. It is very possible that someone is hurting more than others. Please keep your opinions to yourself you only cause guilt, anger and frustration. Do not turn our grief into a competition. I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.
If you keep waiting for me to get "back to my old self" you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature, with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try to get know the "new me" - maybe you will like me still.
- author unknown
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Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Cops for Cancer (and healing)
Just sending out great big "hugs"and thank you's to the Cops for Cancer Tour de Valley.
This team is truly amazing and I just can't say enough about what their ride does for us. Now i know many of us have been effected by cancer and feel obligated or inspired to want to do more for the cause then just sit idolly by and pity the suffering but these guys and gals need a great big shout out. The thought of climbing on a bike and training for months to ride their bikes and raise funds and awareness during the unpredictable month of September is beyond my realm of possibility.... , doing a 5 k childrun once a year and draggin my butt through it is about as physical as i can get for the cause, but they do it, for what appears, nothing more than to fulfill the act of human kindness and empathy.
The fact that (i assume) most of them don't have a child effected by cancer can still get out there and give it their all and getting the community all pumped up for something that effects so few(children) is amazing. For them to honour our story and allow us the privlege to be part of their event is incredible and a very small token of our appreciation. If you do not know about Cops for Cancer then clearly we have not spoken in awhile because it is one of the causes so close to our heart, they embed the meaning of unselfishness and humility. Cops for Cancer raises awareness and money for kids living with cancer and for families/ siblings to attend Camp Goodtimes , our lifeline, i'm sure by now you know that.
Last year we were asked to share our story with the riders , perhaps for inspiration , they afforded us all the compassion and grace a grieving fmaily could stand. This year we were invited back. Our church (Cascade) hosted a dinner for them , it was a very surreal feeling to have such a representation of Ashleys life and struggle(cancer) hosted by the place that probably brought her the faith she need to face that struggle. It was a coming together of our worlds . our struggle and our faith right there in the same room. Our Pastor spoke about Ashley and how she touched the lives and atmosphere of those that dwelled with in those walls , we prayed for the riders and said grace and ate( food there is always so yummy...thanks chefs!!!) it was truly a blessing ... spiritually ,over the top, fullfilling , rich, cup runneth over sorta thing.
Darcy spoke about our second year in grief relayed our family's gratitude, and admiration for their will to touch suffering.( i let him frespeech this year , no pre written speech from me )My pastor called me up(UNPREPARED) to talk about Ashleys comfort bags,(which we are collecting supplies for) i don't think he gets how much i hate public speaking, i think he think he's getting me passed that, did ok i guess. Christy spoke from the heart conveying what Camp Goodtimes means to she and her sisters, that they call CGT "home", she read her Camp Goodtimes graduation speech and by the end i think they got it , i think they understood what we were triyn to say, that although they are riding for a cure, research, an end to kids cancer ,that this is one family that despite the loss , they are still riding for healing.Their emotion was overwhelming, their humility; endearing, their caring conversation and friendship; heartwarming. Although it was an emotional evening, Brittanny as usual, kept the evening light and comical, workin the crowd, making her way around the tables of cops , organizers , paramedics etc. keeping them in stitches ...yikes!!! makes me wonder what kinda family horror stories she was telling," Lord if you are in this room ...please grant this child discretion and i promise i wont give her anymore (humorous) material to work with." She even swindled one cop out of his jacket ...for keeps!!!!!
We sat at the table with Ross and Agnes, our "more than pastors" , our leaders, our friends, our rocks and a friend of theirs who had lost his child 10 years ago , for me that was another sacred moment . listening to someone who has made it to the other side , not over it , just living with it in faith, was meant to hear his words at that particular moment i think.
O.k...... for the really surreal moment ...hang on to your hats ...as we were sitting around socializing, a young rider came up to me and said " do you remember me " although i thought of her familiar i couldn't place her or maybe i was blocking things out of my mind.... but she said to me " well i am the paramedic on the team but i am actually a nurse....i was Ashleys nurse at ARH, I was on duty the morning Ashley passed".... I wish i could write better or i wish i was an artist to realte to you or find a better word/picture for "surreal" which i have over used already thus far but i really can't ....it made my body tingle , it made my heart skip a beat, maybe a hundred beats....it made me feel the strongest presence fill the space between she and i. Amy (thats her name) reminded me of the conversation she and i had while Ashley was in the hospital, we had talked then about what she wanted to do in her future nursing career, she said she remembered Ashley telling her what life at BCCH was like , how loud it was , how it was in need of repair etc, and then she said to me...." she was right cause thats where i am now , i am an oncology nurse at BCCH and Ashley really touched my life" , back to that laughing and crying at the same time thing again. She told us about the effect Ashley had on the staff at ARH and even at BCCH , i was so proud of Ashley all over again. We hugged her like she was our daughter and thanked her for sharing and for riding and just.... everything.
The night ended well , and we were back at it the next morning when the team made an awareness stop and pep rally thing at Britt's school , they called Britt up on stage and despite why she was up there she felt like royalty.They presented her with all their hotel goodies to donate to Ashleys bags, how cool they remembered. Have to say , not sure whether its age, emotion, PMS or just life, but again exhausted for days, sat on the couch all day Saturday watching reruns of just about everything under the sun, feeling a little lazy, guilty, compared to the riders out there busting their butts , i tell myself "leave it to the professionals"
Thank you everyone for your support and for journeying with us. Thank you to Cops for Cancer riders, organizers,commercial production staff, Cascade Community Church pastors(Ross, Agnes) office staff ,organizers , kitchen staff, chefs, guests, those who donated to our bottle drive (and my sister for counting) and those who donated to Ashleys comfort bags.... and all the angels always around us.
Peace,
Lori
This team is truly amazing and I just can't say enough about what their ride does for us. Now i know many of us have been effected by cancer and feel obligated or inspired to want to do more for the cause then just sit idolly by and pity the suffering but these guys and gals need a great big shout out. The thought of climbing on a bike and training for months to ride their bikes and raise funds and awareness during the unpredictable month of September is beyond my realm of possibility.... , doing a 5 k childrun once a year and draggin my butt through it is about as physical as i can get for the cause, but they do it, for what appears, nothing more than to fulfill the act of human kindness and empathy.
The fact that (i assume) most of them don't have a child effected by cancer can still get out there and give it their all and getting the community all pumped up for something that effects so few(children) is amazing. For them to honour our story and allow us the privlege to be part of their event is incredible and a very small token of our appreciation. If you do not know about Cops for Cancer then clearly we have not spoken in awhile because it is one of the causes so close to our heart, they embed the meaning of unselfishness and humility. Cops for Cancer raises awareness and money for kids living with cancer and for families/ siblings to attend Camp Goodtimes , our lifeline, i'm sure by now you know that.
Last year we were asked to share our story with the riders , perhaps for inspiration , they afforded us all the compassion and grace a grieving fmaily could stand. This year we were invited back. Our church (Cascade) hosted a dinner for them , it was a very surreal feeling to have such a representation of Ashleys life and struggle(cancer) hosted by the place that probably brought her the faith she need to face that struggle. It was a coming together of our worlds . our struggle and our faith right there in the same room. Our Pastor spoke about Ashley and how she touched the lives and atmosphere of those that dwelled with in those walls , we prayed for the riders and said grace and ate( food there is always so yummy...thanks chefs!!!) it was truly a blessing ... spiritually ,over the top, fullfilling , rich, cup runneth over sorta thing.
Darcy spoke about our second year in grief relayed our family's gratitude, and admiration for their will to touch suffering.( i let him frespeech this year , no pre written speech from me )My pastor called me up(UNPREPARED) to talk about Ashleys comfort bags,(which we are collecting supplies for) i don't think he gets how much i hate public speaking, i think he think he's getting me passed that, did ok i guess. Christy spoke from the heart conveying what Camp Goodtimes means to she and her sisters, that they call CGT "home", she read her Camp Goodtimes graduation speech and by the end i think they got it , i think they understood what we were triyn to say, that although they are riding for a cure, research, an end to kids cancer ,that this is one family that despite the loss , they are still riding for healing.Their emotion was overwhelming, their humility; endearing, their caring conversation and friendship; heartwarming. Although it was an emotional evening, Brittanny as usual, kept the evening light and comical, workin the crowd, making her way around the tables of cops , organizers , paramedics etc. keeping them in stitches ...yikes!!! makes me wonder what kinda family horror stories she was telling," Lord if you are in this room ...please grant this child discretion and i promise i wont give her anymore (humorous) material to work with." She even swindled one cop out of his jacket ...for keeps!!!!!
We sat at the table with Ross and Agnes, our "more than pastors" , our leaders, our friends, our rocks and a friend of theirs who had lost his child 10 years ago , for me that was another sacred moment . listening to someone who has made it to the other side , not over it , just living with it in faith, was meant to hear his words at that particular moment i think.
O.k...... for the really surreal moment ...hang on to your hats ...as we were sitting around socializing, a young rider came up to me and said " do you remember me " although i thought of her familiar i couldn't place her or maybe i was blocking things out of my mind.... but she said to me " well i am the paramedic on the team but i am actually a nurse....i was Ashleys nurse at ARH, I was on duty the morning Ashley passed".... I wish i could write better or i wish i was an artist to realte to you or find a better word/picture for "surreal" which i have over used already thus far but i really can't ....it made my body tingle , it made my heart skip a beat, maybe a hundred beats....it made me feel the strongest presence fill the space between she and i. Amy (thats her name) reminded me of the conversation she and i had while Ashley was in the hospital, we had talked then about what she wanted to do in her future nursing career, she said she remembered Ashley telling her what life at BCCH was like , how loud it was , how it was in need of repair etc, and then she said to me...." she was right cause thats where i am now , i am an oncology nurse at BCCH and Ashley really touched my life" , back to that laughing and crying at the same time thing again. She told us about the effect Ashley had on the staff at ARH and even at BCCH , i was so proud of Ashley all over again. We hugged her like she was our daughter and thanked her for sharing and for riding and just.... everything.
The night ended well , and we were back at it the next morning when the team made an awareness stop and pep rally thing at Britt's school , they called Britt up on stage and despite why she was up there she felt like royalty.They presented her with all their hotel goodies to donate to Ashleys bags, how cool they remembered. Have to say , not sure whether its age, emotion, PMS or just life, but again exhausted for days, sat on the couch all day Saturday watching reruns of just about everything under the sun, feeling a little lazy, guilty, compared to the riders out there busting their butts , i tell myself "leave it to the professionals"
Thank you everyone for your support and for journeying with us. Thank you to Cops for Cancer riders, organizers,commercial production staff, Cascade Community Church pastors(Ross, Agnes) office staff ,organizers , kitchen staff, chefs, guests, those who donated to our bottle drive (and my sister for counting) and those who donated to Ashleys comfort bags.... and all the angels always around us.
Peace,
Lori
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Sunlight
Sunlight
by Lowey Family on Sunday, October 3, 2010 at 4:11pm
Laundry is stacked up to the ceiling at my house today.
I kept putting it off because i had run out of laundry soap and didn't get a chance to buy any this week , they were out of my brand at Walmart and as i reached for an alternative brand i remembered that it irritated some of our family members skin, so i reached for sunlight , i hadn't bought it in awhile , not sure why,so home i went and started the tedious task of sorting laundry ...yuk! as usual forgetting to remember how lucky i am to have machines that actually do the hard work and that im not rubbing the clothes together on a stone like Caroline Ingalls. I opened up the soap bottle and a strange feeling came over me i didn't know what it was but it completely surrounded me , the same feeling i had when i reached the soap off the shelf at the store , which is doubly wierd because i was thinkng about Sunlight detergent the other day ...yes, I know i'm weird if laundry detergent occupies my thoughts during the day but whatev...anyways after the gruelling task I went and lied down on my bed for a minute and as i lied on my hands i could smell the sunlight detergent close to my face...
Do you ever smile and cry a the same time?
I instantly got a wave of Ashley , and i mean a wave. it took over my whole being , I recalled her in my scents, its the same smell i hadn't smelled in so long , maybe I hadn't bought Sunlight since she was sick , but i suddenly remembered the smell of her skin, not just her clothes but her skin , i don't know why but it was that smell of a baby's bald head , maybe it reminded me of her clothes as a toddler ,or maybe it brought me back to a summer day when she ran freely in the yard with the smell of clean laundry drying on the line,of or maybe thats just what she smelled like ...pure sunlight, either way she entered my sense in a new way.... I cannot see her all the time but like a blind person perhaps my other sense of her have come clearer, today it was through the fragance of her "being" , sweet , clean , pure, and sunny...So glad I reached for Sunlight today.
(no i'm not sending this in as "my sunlight story" commercial.
Peace,
Lori
by Lowey Family on Sunday, October 3, 2010 at 4:11pm
Laundry is stacked up to the ceiling at my house today.
I kept putting it off because i had run out of laundry soap and didn't get a chance to buy any this week , they were out of my brand at Walmart and as i reached for an alternative brand i remembered that it irritated some of our family members skin, so i reached for sunlight , i hadn't bought it in awhile , not sure why,so home i went and started the tedious task of sorting laundry ...yuk! as usual forgetting to remember how lucky i am to have machines that actually do the hard work and that im not rubbing the clothes together on a stone like Caroline Ingalls. I opened up the soap bottle and a strange feeling came over me i didn't know what it was but it completely surrounded me , the same feeling i had when i reached the soap off the shelf at the store , which is doubly wierd because i was thinkng about Sunlight detergent the other day ...yes, I know i'm weird if laundry detergent occupies my thoughts during the day but whatev...anyways after the gruelling task I went and lied down on my bed for a minute and as i lied on my hands i could smell the sunlight detergent close to my face...
Do you ever smile and cry a the same time?
I instantly got a wave of Ashley , and i mean a wave. it took over my whole being , I recalled her in my scents, its the same smell i hadn't smelled in so long , maybe I hadn't bought Sunlight since she was sick , but i suddenly remembered the smell of her skin, not just her clothes but her skin , i don't know why but it was that smell of a baby's bald head , maybe it reminded me of her clothes as a toddler ,or maybe it brought me back to a summer day when she ran freely in the yard with the smell of clean laundry drying on the line,of or maybe thats just what she smelled like ...pure sunlight, either way she entered my sense in a new way.... I cannot see her all the time but like a blind person perhaps my other sense of her have come clearer, today it was through the fragance of her "being" , sweet , clean , pure, and sunny...So glad I reached for Sunlight today.
(no i'm not sending this in as "my sunlight story" commercial.
Peace,
Lori
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