Well i suppose that season is upon us, still a bittersweet one for us , one we are still stumbling through. Had this season not been so representative of the beginning of our journey mixed in with Christmas it may have been a little easier to separate, but for whatever reason we brace for the two extreme emotions as Christmas falls upon us. In a week from today we will so somberly remember the day we were given the first horrific news in this never ending journey, for now ,it is the lead up to the impending doom we experienced on December 16 2007. I cannot ignore the fact that the rituals of Christmas has brought us many tears , the simple sight of a Christmas tree to this day reminds me of our perfect little tree that sat undecorated in our living room the day we brought it home December 16 2007, a few hours before Ashley was diagnosed. How it begged to be decorated as we trudged back and forth from the hospital those cold days leading up to Christmas , too worn out , too broken and to separated from one another to adorn any Christmas hope upon it. It was finally decorated on Dec 24 when Ashley came home for a couple days,but somehow i knew our Christmasses would never be the same , our unthinking Chritmasses were gone for good.
The next year wasn't much brighter , we were facing hard news and unspoken fears , I remember Christy fussing over the perfection of the tree, how she became quite annoyed by anything that was out of place , how she struggled to get the lights on the tree refusing any assistance,perhaps she knew ,perhaps this was her way of controlling one last little piece of Christmas that would never be the same, i weep for that moment today , how we silently knew this was all in vain , the frivollous part of Christmas really didn't matter anymore, strip it all away and get back to what matters this very moment, not the tree , not the gifts , not the food...just hope and faith.
We have chosen not to decorate a tree this year, well that's not true ... we actually decorated our tree a few weeks ago, however, it did not sit in our living room, it showcased itself at the Tradex Christmas show in Abbotsford . The Ashley's journey team decided to decorate and enter an "Ashleys Comfort Bag" tree into the festival of trees contest, it was of course that day that it snowed ,so family and friends drudged out into the elements and adorned the tree with items we use in creating Ashleys Comfort Bags , toothpaste, toothbrushes , razors , shampoo etc etc, we placed Ashley bags under the tree and names of families we had faced cancer with ,we put an angel on the top and a butterfly decoration slightly below. It must have worked because we won first place($500.00 for our cause) what an honour. We were among good company The Gaby Davis foundation, (if you ever need a cause to give to this would be it....helping families financially through the devestaion of childhood cancer) Strangely enough the trees that surrounded Ashley's tree were The Salvation Army ,( our church) The SPCA (aslheys fave cause). The Agri-fair where she and Sophy would compete in 4-H demonstrations , and her school,what a representation of her life. So really, we did decorate the tree this year , not in our typical robotic way, but with purpose and fullfillment , so we are not sad about not decorating a home tree this year ,we will be gone anyways , off skiing for a few days, not to avoid or escape necassarily just to rebuild. Thank you for supporting us.
The Ashleys Comfort Bag idea is growing hugely, as we speak , the North Shore news is photographing and doing an editorial for the next edition, this comes on the heels of a recent campaign by the Lynn Valley merchants to collect donations for Ashleys bags, initiated by my friend Patty (a long time resident and business person in Lynn Valley, )we got a chance to go around and thank the store owners the other day, strangers are sometimes angels in disguise.
That being said, and although,I try not to attatch myself to anything that does not have or has never had a heartbeat or a soul,yesterday we had to say goodbye to an angel -type figure in our life , i know this may sound silly but it was my car , my van , my Sienna girl, don't want this to sound petty and materialistic but it was another representation of time and passing, things come and go , everything eventually turns to dust , so it is not neccasarily the "thing " we miss it is what it represents.
We bought Sienna a few short weeks before Ashley got sick, i remember us contimplating the van or an SUV, for some reason we went for the van and glad we did, if you recall gas prices back then we would have been in the poor house pretty quickly with the soon impending drive we would have to make regularly. Sienna put up with alot of crap, she put on alot of miles very quickly , she withstood bad weather drives and the slamming of brakes, she put up with people cutting her off because her handler wasn't always focussed , she put up with a master who subjected her to road rageous moments , she's seen plenty of tears , been puked on , bumped into , backed into , suffered the over use of her horn, had her gages pounded on in hissy fits of unfairness, been kicked , starved for fuel and still managed to get us safely and comfortably to and fro from some of our darkest places , she has made decisions on her own when my mind was not working, she has gotten me out of tickets and delivered me to places i didn't want to go alone, she sat in lonely parking lots for days warding off any potential thieves. She followed the sun on days that were ok and days i had forgotten my way, She brought us home on day the skies wept along with us , wiping away the rain like she wiping away our tears. We will miss you Sienna you were like an angel in disguise, may another family appreciate you as we have.
I would like to take this time to thank you for your extra attention , your acknowledgemnts of our feelings during this season, thank you for thinking of Ashley at this time , we would like to make light suggestions to those of you who have been asking about making donations in Ashleys name during this season and the upcoming anniversary of Ashley passing (Feb) We are so grateful to all the attention and thought you bring to our world. we thank you for the cheques and money in her honour , however, we find ourselves having to make difficult decisions on where it goes, many people suggest giving it to research etc or Canandain Cancer foundation but i feel sometimes it may be directionless and not sure if i should be inquiring any further into how specific it should be ...the charity is vast ...many say they want it to go to the kids cancer ward, again very vast. Our suggestions include but are not limited to BCCH in memory of Ashley Lowey , it is an ongoing legacy memorial which is self directed to specific research, or child life dept /oncology BCCH ,or Ashleys Comfort Bags .account Vancity... SPCA , Cops for Cancer, Childrun,Gaby Davis Foundation or BCCCPA, or into a Salavation Army kettle,please feel free to choose any of these, i am putting this out there only to give direction for those who have been asking , it is not a plea for donations. Many of the times we get notifications on donations made in Ahsleys name but in case they forget ,please let us know that you made the donation , we would love to be able to properly thank you. We never want anything to go un-thanked , we do appreciate everything, especially prayers, thank you for continuing to journey with us. Love to you all, may you find peace and purpose , may you find an angel if you need one , may you be angel if one is needed.
Peace,
Lori
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Christys' dance at church ...Lead me by Sanctus Real
Time to expand a little beyond fundraising and the hard stuff and bring you a bit of the other side, those moments that bring a smile to our face and keep us grateful we are still parents with amazing children...This is Christy's moment in the sun ...not like she doesn't get plenty of them , always performing , but after being asked and hesitating several times (too many boys in the audience???) several times from church to perform she finally agreed, and to one of our favourite songs , thank goodness Stef videotaped we had tears in our eyes...so maybe not that lighthearted afterall..lol
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1638535917213&comments
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1638535917213&comments
Thursday, November 18, 2010
words from a grieving parent ...author unknkown...so true
Reposted...author unknown...thank you for posting tracey and Tanya...how true
Words from a grieving parent...
What do we wish others understood about the loss of our child? Here is a partial list of such wishes:
I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important and I need to hear her name.
I wish you wouldn't feel awkward if I mention her name.
If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn't because you hurt me: the fact that my child died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing from your home her picture, artwork, or other remembrances.
I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day my grief is all over, or if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling.
I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy and I wish you wouldn't compare it to the loss of a parent, spouse, or pet. If you lose your parents you are called an orphan, if you lose your spouse you are called a widow or widower, if you lose a child there is no name for you that is how tragic it is.
Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me.
I wish you knew that all the "crazy" grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following the death of a child.
I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us.
As with alcoholics, I will never be "cured" or a "former bereaved parent," but will forever be a "recovering bereaved parent."
I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, lose my short-term memory, develop a host of illness and be accident prone, all of which may be related to my grief.
Our child's birthday, the anniversary of her death, and the holidays will be terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that your are thinking about our child these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about our child and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful.
Please do not compare our grief as a family. Do not act like you know how much everyone is hurting. It is very possible that someone is hurting more than others. Please keep your opinions to yourself you only cause guilt, anger and frustration. Do not turn our grief into a competition. I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.
If you keep waiting for me to get "back to my old self" you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature, with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try to get know the "new me" - maybe you will like me still.
- author unknown
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Reposted...author unknown...thank you for posting tracey and Tanya...how true
Words from a grieving parent...
What do we wish others understood about the loss of our child? Here is a partial list of such wishes:
I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important and I need to hear her name.
I wish you wouldn't feel awkward if I mention her name.
If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn't because you hurt me: the fact that my child died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing from your home her picture, artwork, or other remembrances.
I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day my grief is all over, or if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling.
I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy and I wish you wouldn't compare it to the loss of a parent, spouse, or pet. If you lose your parents you are called an orphan, if you lose your spouse you are called a widow or widower, if you lose a child there is no name for you that is how tragic it is.
Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me.
I wish you knew that all the "crazy" grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following the death of a child.
I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us.
As with alcoholics, I will never be "cured" or a "former bereaved parent," but will forever be a "recovering bereaved parent."
I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, lose my short-term memory, develop a host of illness and be accident prone, all of which may be related to my grief.
Our child's birthday, the anniversary of her death, and the holidays will be terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that your are thinking about our child these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about our child and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful.
Please do not compare our grief as a family. Do not act like you know how much everyone is hurting. It is very possible that someone is hurting more than others. Please keep your opinions to yourself you only cause guilt, anger and frustration. Do not turn our grief into a competition. I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.
If you keep waiting for me to get "back to my old self" you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature, with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try to get know the "new me" - maybe you will like me still.
- author unknown
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Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Cops for Cancer (and healing)
Just sending out great big "hugs"and thank you's to the Cops for Cancer Tour de Valley.
This team is truly amazing and I just can't say enough about what their ride does for us. Now i know many of us have been effected by cancer and feel obligated or inspired to want to do more for the cause then just sit idolly by and pity the suffering but these guys and gals need a great big shout out. The thought of climbing on a bike and training for months to ride their bikes and raise funds and awareness during the unpredictable month of September is beyond my realm of possibility.... , doing a 5 k childrun once a year and draggin my butt through it is about as physical as i can get for the cause, but they do it, for what appears, nothing more than to fulfill the act of human kindness and empathy.
The fact that (i assume) most of them don't have a child effected by cancer can still get out there and give it their all and getting the community all pumped up for something that effects so few(children) is amazing. For them to honour our story and allow us the privlege to be part of their event is incredible and a very small token of our appreciation. If you do not know about Cops for Cancer then clearly we have not spoken in awhile because it is one of the causes so close to our heart, they embed the meaning of unselfishness and humility. Cops for Cancer raises awareness and money for kids living with cancer and for families/ siblings to attend Camp Goodtimes , our lifeline, i'm sure by now you know that.
Last year we were asked to share our story with the riders , perhaps for inspiration , they afforded us all the compassion and grace a grieving fmaily could stand. This year we were invited back. Our church (Cascade) hosted a dinner for them , it was a very surreal feeling to have such a representation of Ashleys life and struggle(cancer) hosted by the place that probably brought her the faith she need to face that struggle. It was a coming together of our worlds . our struggle and our faith right there in the same room. Our Pastor spoke about Ashley and how she touched the lives and atmosphere of those that dwelled with in those walls , we prayed for the riders and said grace and ate( food there is always so yummy...thanks chefs!!!) it was truly a blessing ... spiritually ,over the top, fullfilling , rich, cup runneth over sorta thing.
Darcy spoke about our second year in grief relayed our family's gratitude, and admiration for their will to touch suffering.( i let him frespeech this year , no pre written speech from me )My pastor called me up(UNPREPARED) to talk about Ashleys comfort bags,(which we are collecting supplies for) i don't think he gets how much i hate public speaking, i think he think he's getting me passed that, did ok i guess. Christy spoke from the heart conveying what Camp Goodtimes means to she and her sisters, that they call CGT "home", she read her Camp Goodtimes graduation speech and by the end i think they got it , i think they understood what we were triyn to say, that although they are riding for a cure, research, an end to kids cancer ,that this is one family that despite the loss , they are still riding for healing.Their emotion was overwhelming, their humility; endearing, their caring conversation and friendship; heartwarming. Although it was an emotional evening, Brittanny as usual, kept the evening light and comical, workin the crowd, making her way around the tables of cops , organizers , paramedics etc. keeping them in stitches ...yikes!!! makes me wonder what kinda family horror stories she was telling," Lord if you are in this room ...please grant this child discretion and i promise i wont give her anymore (humorous) material to work with." She even swindled one cop out of his jacket ...for keeps!!!!!
We sat at the table with Ross and Agnes, our "more than pastors" , our leaders, our friends, our rocks and a friend of theirs who had lost his child 10 years ago , for me that was another sacred moment . listening to someone who has made it to the other side , not over it , just living with it in faith, was meant to hear his words at that particular moment i think.
O.k...... for the really surreal moment ...hang on to your hats ...as we were sitting around socializing, a young rider came up to me and said " do you remember me " although i thought of her familiar i couldn't place her or maybe i was blocking things out of my mind.... but she said to me " well i am the paramedic on the team but i am actually a nurse....i was Ashleys nurse at ARH, I was on duty the morning Ashley passed".... I wish i could write better or i wish i was an artist to realte to you or find a better word/picture for "surreal" which i have over used already thus far but i really can't ....it made my body tingle , it made my heart skip a beat, maybe a hundred beats....it made me feel the strongest presence fill the space between she and i. Amy (thats her name) reminded me of the conversation she and i had while Ashley was in the hospital, we had talked then about what she wanted to do in her future nursing career, she said she remembered Ashley telling her what life at BCCH was like , how loud it was , how it was in need of repair etc, and then she said to me...." she was right cause thats where i am now , i am an oncology nurse at BCCH and Ashley really touched my life" , back to that laughing and crying at the same time thing again. She told us about the effect Ashley had on the staff at ARH and even at BCCH , i was so proud of Ashley all over again. We hugged her like she was our daughter and thanked her for sharing and for riding and just.... everything.
The night ended well , and we were back at it the next morning when the team made an awareness stop and pep rally thing at Britt's school , they called Britt up on stage and despite why she was up there she felt like royalty.They presented her with all their hotel goodies to donate to Ashleys bags, how cool they remembered. Have to say , not sure whether its age, emotion, PMS or just life, but again exhausted for days, sat on the couch all day Saturday watching reruns of just about everything under the sun, feeling a little lazy, guilty, compared to the riders out there busting their butts , i tell myself "leave it to the professionals"
Thank you everyone for your support and for journeying with us. Thank you to Cops for Cancer riders, organizers,commercial production staff, Cascade Community Church pastors(Ross, Agnes) office staff ,organizers , kitchen staff, chefs, guests, those who donated to our bottle drive (and my sister for counting) and those who donated to Ashleys comfort bags.... and all the angels always around us.
Peace,
Lori
This team is truly amazing and I just can't say enough about what their ride does for us. Now i know many of us have been effected by cancer and feel obligated or inspired to want to do more for the cause then just sit idolly by and pity the suffering but these guys and gals need a great big shout out. The thought of climbing on a bike and training for months to ride their bikes and raise funds and awareness during the unpredictable month of September is beyond my realm of possibility.... , doing a 5 k childrun once a year and draggin my butt through it is about as physical as i can get for the cause, but they do it, for what appears, nothing more than to fulfill the act of human kindness and empathy.
The fact that (i assume) most of them don't have a child effected by cancer can still get out there and give it their all and getting the community all pumped up for something that effects so few(children) is amazing. For them to honour our story and allow us the privlege to be part of their event is incredible and a very small token of our appreciation. If you do not know about Cops for Cancer then clearly we have not spoken in awhile because it is one of the causes so close to our heart, they embed the meaning of unselfishness and humility. Cops for Cancer raises awareness and money for kids living with cancer and for families/ siblings to attend Camp Goodtimes , our lifeline, i'm sure by now you know that.
Last year we were asked to share our story with the riders , perhaps for inspiration , they afforded us all the compassion and grace a grieving fmaily could stand. This year we were invited back. Our church (Cascade) hosted a dinner for them , it was a very surreal feeling to have such a representation of Ashleys life and struggle(cancer) hosted by the place that probably brought her the faith she need to face that struggle. It was a coming together of our worlds . our struggle and our faith right there in the same room. Our Pastor spoke about Ashley and how she touched the lives and atmosphere of those that dwelled with in those walls , we prayed for the riders and said grace and ate( food there is always so yummy...thanks chefs!!!) it was truly a blessing ... spiritually ,over the top, fullfilling , rich, cup runneth over sorta thing.
Darcy spoke about our second year in grief relayed our family's gratitude, and admiration for their will to touch suffering.( i let him frespeech this year , no pre written speech from me )My pastor called me up(UNPREPARED) to talk about Ashleys comfort bags,(which we are collecting supplies for) i don't think he gets how much i hate public speaking, i think he think he's getting me passed that, did ok i guess. Christy spoke from the heart conveying what Camp Goodtimes means to she and her sisters, that they call CGT "home", she read her Camp Goodtimes graduation speech and by the end i think they got it , i think they understood what we were triyn to say, that although they are riding for a cure, research, an end to kids cancer ,that this is one family that despite the loss , they are still riding for healing.Their emotion was overwhelming, their humility; endearing, their caring conversation and friendship; heartwarming. Although it was an emotional evening, Brittanny as usual, kept the evening light and comical, workin the crowd, making her way around the tables of cops , organizers , paramedics etc. keeping them in stitches ...yikes!!! makes me wonder what kinda family horror stories she was telling," Lord if you are in this room ...please grant this child discretion and i promise i wont give her anymore (humorous) material to work with." She even swindled one cop out of his jacket ...for keeps!!!!!
We sat at the table with Ross and Agnes, our "more than pastors" , our leaders, our friends, our rocks and a friend of theirs who had lost his child 10 years ago , for me that was another sacred moment . listening to someone who has made it to the other side , not over it , just living with it in faith, was meant to hear his words at that particular moment i think.
O.k...... for the really surreal moment ...hang on to your hats ...as we were sitting around socializing, a young rider came up to me and said " do you remember me " although i thought of her familiar i couldn't place her or maybe i was blocking things out of my mind.... but she said to me " well i am the paramedic on the team but i am actually a nurse....i was Ashleys nurse at ARH, I was on duty the morning Ashley passed".... I wish i could write better or i wish i was an artist to realte to you or find a better word/picture for "surreal" which i have over used already thus far but i really can't ....it made my body tingle , it made my heart skip a beat, maybe a hundred beats....it made me feel the strongest presence fill the space between she and i. Amy (thats her name) reminded me of the conversation she and i had while Ashley was in the hospital, we had talked then about what she wanted to do in her future nursing career, she said she remembered Ashley telling her what life at BCCH was like , how loud it was , how it was in need of repair etc, and then she said to me...." she was right cause thats where i am now , i am an oncology nurse at BCCH and Ashley really touched my life" , back to that laughing and crying at the same time thing again. She told us about the effect Ashley had on the staff at ARH and even at BCCH , i was so proud of Ashley all over again. We hugged her like she was our daughter and thanked her for sharing and for riding and just.... everything.
The night ended well , and we were back at it the next morning when the team made an awareness stop and pep rally thing at Britt's school , they called Britt up on stage and despite why she was up there she felt like royalty.They presented her with all their hotel goodies to donate to Ashleys bags, how cool they remembered. Have to say , not sure whether its age, emotion, PMS or just life, but again exhausted for days, sat on the couch all day Saturday watching reruns of just about everything under the sun, feeling a little lazy, guilty, compared to the riders out there busting their butts , i tell myself "leave it to the professionals"
Thank you everyone for your support and for journeying with us. Thank you to Cops for Cancer riders, organizers,commercial production staff, Cascade Community Church pastors(Ross, Agnes) office staff ,organizers , kitchen staff, chefs, guests, those who donated to our bottle drive (and my sister for counting) and those who donated to Ashleys comfort bags.... and all the angels always around us.
Peace,
Lori
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Sunlight
Sunlight
by Lowey Family on Sunday, October 3, 2010 at 4:11pm
Laundry is stacked up to the ceiling at my house today.
I kept putting it off because i had run out of laundry soap and didn't get a chance to buy any this week , they were out of my brand at Walmart and as i reached for an alternative brand i remembered that it irritated some of our family members skin, so i reached for sunlight , i hadn't bought it in awhile , not sure why,so home i went and started the tedious task of sorting laundry ...yuk! as usual forgetting to remember how lucky i am to have machines that actually do the hard work and that im not rubbing the clothes together on a stone like Caroline Ingalls. I opened up the soap bottle and a strange feeling came over me i didn't know what it was but it completely surrounded me , the same feeling i had when i reached the soap off the shelf at the store , which is doubly wierd because i was thinkng about Sunlight detergent the other day ...yes, I know i'm weird if laundry detergent occupies my thoughts during the day but whatev...anyways after the gruelling task I went and lied down on my bed for a minute and as i lied on my hands i could smell the sunlight detergent close to my face...
Do you ever smile and cry a the same time?
I instantly got a wave of Ashley , and i mean a wave. it took over my whole being , I recalled her in my scents, its the same smell i hadn't smelled in so long , maybe I hadn't bought Sunlight since she was sick , but i suddenly remembered the smell of her skin, not just her clothes but her skin , i don't know why but it was that smell of a baby's bald head , maybe it reminded me of her clothes as a toddler ,or maybe it brought me back to a summer day when she ran freely in the yard with the smell of clean laundry drying on the line,of or maybe thats just what she smelled like ...pure sunlight, either way she entered my sense in a new way.... I cannot see her all the time but like a blind person perhaps my other sense of her have come clearer, today it was through the fragance of her "being" , sweet , clean , pure, and sunny...So glad I reached for Sunlight today.
(no i'm not sending this in as "my sunlight story" commercial.
Peace,
Lori
by Lowey Family on Sunday, October 3, 2010 at 4:11pm
Laundry is stacked up to the ceiling at my house today.
I kept putting it off because i had run out of laundry soap and didn't get a chance to buy any this week , they were out of my brand at Walmart and as i reached for an alternative brand i remembered that it irritated some of our family members skin, so i reached for sunlight , i hadn't bought it in awhile , not sure why,so home i went and started the tedious task of sorting laundry ...yuk! as usual forgetting to remember how lucky i am to have machines that actually do the hard work and that im not rubbing the clothes together on a stone like Caroline Ingalls. I opened up the soap bottle and a strange feeling came over me i didn't know what it was but it completely surrounded me , the same feeling i had when i reached the soap off the shelf at the store , which is doubly wierd because i was thinkng about Sunlight detergent the other day ...yes, I know i'm weird if laundry detergent occupies my thoughts during the day but whatev...anyways after the gruelling task I went and lied down on my bed for a minute and as i lied on my hands i could smell the sunlight detergent close to my face...
Do you ever smile and cry a the same time?
I instantly got a wave of Ashley , and i mean a wave. it took over my whole being , I recalled her in my scents, its the same smell i hadn't smelled in so long , maybe I hadn't bought Sunlight since she was sick , but i suddenly remembered the smell of her skin, not just her clothes but her skin , i don't know why but it was that smell of a baby's bald head , maybe it reminded me of her clothes as a toddler ,or maybe it brought me back to a summer day when she ran freely in the yard with the smell of clean laundry drying on the line,of or maybe thats just what she smelled like ...pure sunlight, either way she entered my sense in a new way.... I cannot see her all the time but like a blind person perhaps my other sense of her have come clearer, today it was through the fragance of her "being" , sweet , clean , pure, and sunny...So glad I reached for Sunlight today.
(no i'm not sending this in as "my sunlight story" commercial.
Peace,
Lori
Thursday, September 23, 2010
The Will to Survive
Posting the lyrics to a song composed (and now played on select radio stations around the country) by Megan Mcneil another brave teen cancer fighter from BCCH..words of inspiration to all brave ones still fighting...
I want to give children fighting cancer "The Will To Survive". Absolutely! Here they are...
The Will To Survive:
What’s it like to have your life change in a moment
What’s it like to have it all taken away and
Put in the hands of doctor’s that you just met
And just rely on hope to keep you holding on
Here’s a story of a journey
One so hard it drains your spirit
So hard to convince yourself that you can make it through
Here’s to the fight
Here’s to the fighters
Here’s to the brave that take this on
Here’s to the lost souls
Here’s to the new hope
We’ll keep on keeping on
In the fight for life
The fight for life
Sitting in the doctor’s chair processing the information
Not understanding how this could happen to me
Going from an average teen age life with normal teen age problems
To blood tests and IV poles and a life I don’t want to lead
Gotta stay strong and stay united
Face our fears and stand our ground
We can convince ourselves that we can make it through
Here’s to the fight
Here’s to the fighters
Here’s to the brave that take this on
Here’s to the lost souls
Here’s to the new hope
We’ll keep on keeping on
In the fight for life
The fight for life
What will make us strong enough so we will tackle this battle
And what will make us strong enough to walk straight through Hell
To get us back to Heaven where we’ll see light again.
We’ve got the will to survive
Here’s to the fight
We’ve got the will to survive
Here’s to the fighters
We’ve got the will to survive
Here’s to the brave
We’ve got the will to survive
Here’s to the lost souls
We’ve got the will to survive
Here’s to the lost locks
We’ve got the will to survive
Here’s to the hard knocks
We’ve got the will to survive
I want to give children fighting cancer "The Will To Survive". Absolutely! Here they are...
The Will To Survive:
What’s it like to have your life change in a moment
What’s it like to have it all taken away and
Put in the hands of doctor’s that you just met
And just rely on hope to keep you holding on
Here’s a story of a journey
One so hard it drains your spirit
So hard to convince yourself that you can make it through
Here’s to the fight
Here’s to the fighters
Here’s to the brave that take this on
Here’s to the lost souls
Here’s to the new hope
We’ll keep on keeping on
In the fight for life
The fight for life
Sitting in the doctor’s chair processing the information
Not understanding how this could happen to me
Going from an average teen age life with normal teen age problems
To blood tests and IV poles and a life I don’t want to lead
Gotta stay strong and stay united
Face our fears and stand our ground
We can convince ourselves that we can make it through
Here’s to the fight
Here’s to the fighters
Here’s to the brave that take this on
Here’s to the lost souls
Here’s to the new hope
We’ll keep on keeping on
In the fight for life
The fight for life
What will make us strong enough so we will tackle this battle
And what will make us strong enough to walk straight through Hell
To get us back to Heaven where we’ll see light again.
We’ve got the will to survive
Here’s to the fight
We’ve got the will to survive
Here’s to the fighters
We’ve got the will to survive
Here’s to the brave
We’ve got the will to survive
Here’s to the lost souls
We’ve got the will to survive
Here’s to the lost locks
We’ve got the will to survive
Here’s to the hard knocks
We’ve got the will to survive
Monday, September 20, 2010
The True Colours of Grief
by Lowey Family on Monday, September 20, 2010 at 11:41am
Suffering from writers block lately , that is probably why i never chose this field to get into, couldn't imagine trying to come up with something when the mood does not strike. I suppose i could write of our adventures over the summer, afterall it is why i write these blogs just a reminder to others that one can "do grief" and live alongside it, not always, but sometimes.
Actually had a pretty good summer , i call it summer number 2 or "second summer after the fact"... maybe how life is measured now ...before and after.Spent a beautiful week on the sunshine coast , Lund and savoury Island, mostly prawninig , now that was an experience. Darcy had the whole adventure planned out we each had our own job to do on the boat,rigging and pulling and driving etc it was like one of those projects you have to work together to accomplish a goal, much like grief, and we did , thank goodness the kids don't even like seafood , more prawns for us...highly recommend this destination , Savoury Island is remote, laden with white sand, sea life and crystal waters in a mixture of hues which formed varying degrees of turquoise, a little piece of heaven, scouting it out as my future retirement home which i am forecasting could happen anytime for me , guess i should start saving ..lol
We also spent another week travelling through Jasper to Edmonton and beyond to Athabasca for a beautiful wedding and visiting family (both sides) The colours of the mountains ...breathtakaing This trip a little less "roughing it", real running toilets and waterfall jacuzzis in the Polynesian themed rooms at West Ed hotel , which was a far cry form the trickle our trailer shower affords us, the kids shopped til WE dropped, there is something about places that big , i swear there were duplicate stores that made you feel like you were going out of your mind or travelling in circles.
The kids attended another week at Camp Goodtimes and christy is now a graduate and will move on to a leader...gee if you had asked me a few years ago about Camp Goodtimes ,i wouldn't have known what it was or who it was for and now it is an absolute life line for my kids, hence the fundraising efforts, hard not to support a cause that has given your children so much peace, you can see this written on Brittanny's face in her Cops fpr Cancer commercial, a rainbow after a storm.
Darcy returned to fishing this year which was a stellar year, back in his element, not just for the sport or the hee-man gathering, but for the sense of peace it gives him. He was truly blessed this year a sense of returning to old for him and for the girls , Brittanny and Christy spendng alot of time out on the river camping and fishing (not really mine and stef's thing). Bittersweet , missing Ashley , very reverant , she was missed by all the fishermen/women, kept expecting her to come walking up the beach 2 fish in hand and her dog following not far behind...hard because Brittany really picked it up this year , bringing her own fish in, learning to use a carving knife , a right of passage i suppose,really adapting to the whole fishing lifestyle...caring for all the dogs on the beach ... you can imagine what that does with your mind and heart. Fishing season is over for another year and sad i think for them to leave it behind , it wasn't just fishing they had to walk away from it was their sanctuary , their holy place, a place you have to come to terms with, the past and future coliding, a cosmic crash, for everyone , not just us, it was a coming of peace through pain and i do believe God had a hand in that ...comfort in struggle once again, which brings me to another topic...
Recently i was asked to participate in a bereavement support telephone group with other parents who have lost children to cancer via BCCH social workers and psychologists, it has been an real eye opener to the titled "the hard work of grief' The timing had been perfect because lately i had found that magically around the 18 month mark of Ashleys passing we had been getting some "interesting" advice from people who were a little removed from this whole situation about how they "think' they would be coping through this .I mean no disrespect as i write this but this comes on the heels of listening to other parents discuss their bereavement, that they wish there was a book to give to to others about " grief of losing a child" Now i know there are many well meaning people out there and maybe there does need to be a "how to" book on the subject because this is a different grief,NOT saying less or more painful but different than losing a grandparent to cancer. as i respect anyone who has lost anyone to cancer it is a struggle no matter which way you look at it and i would never pipe in on my Ideas about how someone "should " cope after losing a parent to cancer i would expect the same respect for our grief. I am not trying to be unappreciative and i have thanked the many angles who have "just been" with us through this journey , but i have to say that suggesting that anybody be ready for anything going through this should just stay silent. Suggesting we have a formal family picture done or that we need to be exhibiting any other advances into "a normal life " really isnt getting it ,so here it is . I get that people dont always know what to say , i have come to be "ok" with people avoiding me in the grocery store , or ditching away , or disaapearing completely from my life out of fear(thier loss...true colours) i empathize that the words may not be profound , its ok , even saying something wrong out of stumbling for the right words is ok too. I remember one older person saying to me that " well it s better ( cancer) at her age , she is strong and is more resilant" , now i know they meant that if they had cancer it might be a harder fight at their age, i can look past and see what is meant , but the intentional advice from people who have not been there is not only un- warranted but disrespectful. I have had a few people( and i mean a few ...like 4) within a few short weeks of Ashlyes passing suggest that i "looked " broken and that i shouldn't let this ruin me ,or have even been offended by how my giref , my solemness/silentness has offended them, that i am not the same person. Are they kidding me , are they really that short sighted to be completely concerned about their own interpretation of how or what i may be feeling, or what "they " think i need after really hardly knowing me at all. It astounds me at the lack of wisdom or insight some people have., if there are a few things you really shouldnt comment on is how one copes with grief , clearly if that person is doing harm to themsleves or others then by all means approach or offer support, but ones own intrepretation , c'mon people thats not what this world is about. I m not doing this to vent my own frustrations singularly i am doing this to give a brief look into a subject i can attest to , certainly cannot give advice on losing a parent or sibling so i would never bother, so what would make others think that they could pipe in with advice that really very few have experienced. Most parents i know , no matter how they are coping are doing a pretty damn good job, the fact they get outta bed every morning , dont throw themsleves under a friggin bus and thank the Good Lord above then cudos to them ,the ones that have found God ,Jesus or higher power , then even aweomer( eng?) and the ones that have been able to find some good for others or purpose in life, then hey maybe there is light in all this. My purpose is not to make anyone second guess what they have said( in innocence) it is to raise awareness for one subject i can speak about. One complaint i hear over and over again , that unless you have been through exactly this then please stand by us encourage us , afford us some grief behaviours and dont take them personally ( unless they are damaging) This is not easy work , it tempts you into devestation everytime you turn around, everytime you hear a song on the radio , everytime you smell a scent , everytime the season changes , everytime you hear a christmas bell, or a bird sing everytime you see a frog,,everytime you set the table, everytime you go on a vacation , everytime you snap a picture, everyimte some one asks you how many children you have, everytime you see pity in someones eyes, not to mention going back to work and resuming "normal life" its a struggle just to self talk your way in the door. It is hard on a marriage , no doubt , you struggle against your own personal coping strategies all the time , one is up one is down, one is laughing the other is crying. It is hard work every single day,It tests your faith to the very core of your soul and sometimes you come up empty. it is unnnatural, there is no word for a bereaved parent like orphan or widow, in most cases you are isolated from this process . and in many ways you're damned if you do and damned if yo don't. If you are seen as moody or withdrawn then people think youre not coping well when in fact it is protective from being triggered, if you are out there fundraising and campaigning then you are seen as in denial. If you have found God then you are a loon.Like i mentioned this is not a personal attack it is "venting for the collective" It is giref for all who are grieving, us , my nieces , my sisters,family, my parents , my friends, chuch-goers, Ashleys friends, fellow oncolgy parents and yes the fisherman on the beach,somtimes i forget itisi not just us dealing with the insanity of it all
If you ask us to do something and we say "no" without a reason then there really is something stirring in there, some trigger were not ready to face yet,it doesn't mean were weak , stuck, nasty , it means were hurting, were raw we're rebuilding , the road is long , some pieces won't fit like they did before and we have to find away to accomodate the missing pieces Grief is a place of colour as dim as it may seem , but in the depth of pain is when you see the brightest truest colours, of your marriage , your children,your family, your truest friends , the humanity in strangers and the comfort in God.Thank you for being a light in our storm.
Enjoy the beauty of colours as we say hello to Autumn
Peace,
Lori
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Suffering from writers block lately , that is probably why i never chose this field to get into, couldn't imagine trying to come up with something when the mood does not strike. I suppose i could write of our adventures over the summer, afterall it is why i write these blogs just a reminder to others that one can "do grief" and live alongside it, not always, but sometimes.
Actually had a pretty good summer , i call it summer number 2 or "second summer after the fact"... maybe how life is measured now ...before and after.Spent a beautiful week on the sunshine coast , Lund and savoury Island, mostly prawninig , now that was an experience. Darcy had the whole adventure planned out we each had our own job to do on the boat,rigging and pulling and driving etc it was like one of those projects you have to work together to accomplish a goal, much like grief, and we did , thank goodness the kids don't even like seafood , more prawns for us...highly recommend this destination , Savoury Island is remote, laden with white sand, sea life and crystal waters in a mixture of hues which formed varying degrees of turquoise, a little piece of heaven, scouting it out as my future retirement home which i am forecasting could happen anytime for me , guess i should start saving ..lol
We also spent another week travelling through Jasper to Edmonton and beyond to Athabasca for a beautiful wedding and visiting family (both sides) The colours of the mountains ...breathtakaing This trip a little less "roughing it", real running toilets and waterfall jacuzzis in the Polynesian themed rooms at West Ed hotel , which was a far cry form the trickle our trailer shower affords us, the kids shopped til WE dropped, there is something about places that big , i swear there were duplicate stores that made you feel like you were going out of your mind or travelling in circles.
The kids attended another week at Camp Goodtimes and christy is now a graduate and will move on to a leader...gee if you had asked me a few years ago about Camp Goodtimes ,i wouldn't have known what it was or who it was for and now it is an absolute life line for my kids, hence the fundraising efforts, hard not to support a cause that has given your children so much peace, you can see this written on Brittanny's face in her Cops fpr Cancer commercial, a rainbow after a storm.
Darcy returned to fishing this year which was a stellar year, back in his element, not just for the sport or the hee-man gathering, but for the sense of peace it gives him. He was truly blessed this year a sense of returning to old for him and for the girls , Brittanny and Christy spendng alot of time out on the river camping and fishing (not really mine and stef's thing). Bittersweet , missing Ashley , very reverant , she was missed by all the fishermen/women, kept expecting her to come walking up the beach 2 fish in hand and her dog following not far behind...hard because Brittany really picked it up this year , bringing her own fish in, learning to use a carving knife , a right of passage i suppose,really adapting to the whole fishing lifestyle...caring for all the dogs on the beach ... you can imagine what that does with your mind and heart. Fishing season is over for another year and sad i think for them to leave it behind , it wasn't just fishing they had to walk away from it was their sanctuary , their holy place, a place you have to come to terms with, the past and future coliding, a cosmic crash, for everyone , not just us, it was a coming of peace through pain and i do believe God had a hand in that ...comfort in struggle once again, which brings me to another topic...
Recently i was asked to participate in a bereavement support telephone group with other parents who have lost children to cancer via BCCH social workers and psychologists, it has been an real eye opener to the titled "the hard work of grief' The timing had been perfect because lately i had found that magically around the 18 month mark of Ashleys passing we had been getting some "interesting" advice from people who were a little removed from this whole situation about how they "think' they would be coping through this .I mean no disrespect as i write this but this comes on the heels of listening to other parents discuss their bereavement, that they wish there was a book to give to to others about " grief of losing a child" Now i know there are many well meaning people out there and maybe there does need to be a "how to" book on the subject because this is a different grief,NOT saying less or more painful but different than losing a grandparent to cancer. as i respect anyone who has lost anyone to cancer it is a struggle no matter which way you look at it and i would never pipe in on my Ideas about how someone "should " cope after losing a parent to cancer i would expect the same respect for our grief. I am not trying to be unappreciative and i have thanked the many angles who have "just been" with us through this journey , but i have to say that suggesting that anybody be ready for anything going through this should just stay silent. Suggesting we have a formal family picture done or that we need to be exhibiting any other advances into "a normal life " really isnt getting it ,so here it is . I get that people dont always know what to say , i have come to be "ok" with people avoiding me in the grocery store , or ditching away , or disaapearing completely from my life out of fear(thier loss...true colours) i empathize that the words may not be profound , its ok , even saying something wrong out of stumbling for the right words is ok too. I remember one older person saying to me that " well it s better ( cancer) at her age , she is strong and is more resilant" , now i know they meant that if they had cancer it might be a harder fight at their age, i can look past and see what is meant , but the intentional advice from people who have not been there is not only un- warranted but disrespectful. I have had a few people( and i mean a few ...like 4) within a few short weeks of Ashlyes passing suggest that i "looked " broken and that i shouldn't let this ruin me ,or have even been offended by how my giref , my solemness/silentness has offended them, that i am not the same person. Are they kidding me , are they really that short sighted to be completely concerned about their own interpretation of how or what i may be feeling, or what "they " think i need after really hardly knowing me at all. It astounds me at the lack of wisdom or insight some people have., if there are a few things you really shouldnt comment on is how one copes with grief , clearly if that person is doing harm to themsleves or others then by all means approach or offer support, but ones own intrepretation , c'mon people thats not what this world is about. I m not doing this to vent my own frustrations singularly i am doing this to give a brief look into a subject i can attest to , certainly cannot give advice on losing a parent or sibling so i would never bother, so what would make others think that they could pipe in with advice that really very few have experienced. Most parents i know , no matter how they are coping are doing a pretty damn good job, the fact they get outta bed every morning , dont throw themsleves under a friggin bus and thank the Good Lord above then cudos to them ,the ones that have found God ,Jesus or higher power , then even aweomer( eng?) and the ones that have been able to find some good for others or purpose in life, then hey maybe there is light in all this. My purpose is not to make anyone second guess what they have said( in innocence) it is to raise awareness for one subject i can speak about. One complaint i hear over and over again , that unless you have been through exactly this then please stand by us encourage us , afford us some grief behaviours and dont take them personally ( unless they are damaging) This is not easy work , it tempts you into devestation everytime you turn around, everytime you hear a song on the radio , everytime you smell a scent , everytime the season changes , everytime you hear a christmas bell, or a bird sing everytime you see a frog,,everytime you set the table, everytime you go on a vacation , everytime you snap a picture, everyimte some one asks you how many children you have, everytime you see pity in someones eyes, not to mention going back to work and resuming "normal life" its a struggle just to self talk your way in the door. It is hard on a marriage , no doubt , you struggle against your own personal coping strategies all the time , one is up one is down, one is laughing the other is crying. It is hard work every single day,It tests your faith to the very core of your soul and sometimes you come up empty. it is unnnatural, there is no word for a bereaved parent like orphan or widow, in most cases you are isolated from this process . and in many ways you're damned if you do and damned if yo don't. If you are seen as moody or withdrawn then people think youre not coping well when in fact it is protective from being triggered, if you are out there fundraising and campaigning then you are seen as in denial. If you have found God then you are a loon.Like i mentioned this is not a personal attack it is "venting for the collective" It is giref for all who are grieving, us , my nieces , my sisters,family, my parents , my friends, chuch-goers, Ashleys friends, fellow oncolgy parents and yes the fisherman on the beach,somtimes i forget itisi not just us dealing with the insanity of it all
If you ask us to do something and we say "no" without a reason then there really is something stirring in there, some trigger were not ready to face yet,it doesn't mean were weak , stuck, nasty , it means were hurting, were raw we're rebuilding , the road is long , some pieces won't fit like they did before and we have to find away to accomodate the missing pieces Grief is a place of colour as dim as it may seem , but in the depth of pain is when you see the brightest truest colours, of your marriage , your children,your family, your truest friends , the humanity in strangers and the comfort in God.Thank you for being a light in our storm.
Enjoy the beauty of colours as we say hello to Autumn
Peace,
Lori
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