June 29 1992 - February 16 2009

Welcome to the Journey of a Butterfly

Welcome to Ashleys Journey,

We invite you to follow along one family's journey through grief and loss, one brave young girl's journey through faith and inspiration, this is not a blog to convert anyone , nor is it a blog about fundraising , it is what i hope will reach another family on a similar journey, we are not experts , i could not give you a magic remedy for how one gets through disease and devestation but it is our story , sometimes gut wrenching other time heartwarming and all of the time, i guarantee, very real. We are not perfect, we struggle daily and i think that the more we connect to one another the more we understand what this journey through life is all about . Sometimes that path is bumpy and we fall down, sometimes we sit and stop a while,or take a step back and other times we pound our fists on the pavement like a lunatic , still other times we find ourselves picking eachother up dusting eachother off and walking alongside them even if only for short time. This blog is dedicated to Ashley , her sisters and every single angel that picked us up along this road.
This is an introduction to the beginning and middle part of our journey the specific blogs are more indepth , the end...well there will never be an end to this journey i've come to realize that , not on this earth, for now we just assimilate it into our life like a hole , a missing limb, a continous ache that you just learn to live with.
When Ashley was about 12 years old she asked if she could go to youth group at a local church , i didn't have any church upbringing but know i craved it throughout my life , this was a rare opportunity and i recognized that if i didn't embrace it now she may lose her interst in it very quickly and beocme a jaded, cynical, stubborn person like her mom. My husband grew up in a very religious (shove it down your throat) kinda religion( i wont mention any names)or maybe it was the way he was raised ? Anyways i encouraged her to go because the community we had moved to embraced this kinda thing so i thought why not? Naturally and shortly after she started attending she was soon encouraging us to go , she had made quite a leadership name for herself there , pionner leader , sunday school helper etc, i was comfortable for the first time in my life going to a church, maybe it was the first word that greeted you as you walked in..."belong" maybe it was because they embraced community and outreach service in our city , dont know, but soon found it very therapeutic, cheaper than a shrink, and our other 3 girls jumped on board pretty quickly, my husband well... a work in progress , he communes with God in a fishing boat he says , although makes many efforts to go even if just for good way to start the week, i was still cynical , felt i wasnt holy enough but went anyways.
Ashley was scheduled to sing a solo in the church choir Dec 16 2007 , i was scared for her, i was sure she got her singing skills from me which was nil at best. She sang beautifully and you couldnt tell she had been complaining of cramps , something i chalked up to girls stuff/growing pains for a couple weeks off and on, she was an active healthy girl. When the performnce was done we got our christmas tree and i took her to the clinic to have it checked out before Christmas , they sent us to our local hosptial for tests , i was worried it was appendix. Darcy, my husband left the hosptial to go pick up our other 3 girls from friends houses , i caught the doctor in the ahallways and asked if the ulstrasound pictures were back, i remember having eye contact with Ashley only feet away from me but far enough away for her not to hear the doctor to so impassionaltely say "its not appendix, it looks like cancer", i have to stop as i write this because it is still one of the 2 biggest shocks in my entire life, i think i ran down the hallways screaming with no sound coming from my throat and not knowing where i was running . I phoned Darcy and words didnt come out of my mouth. Before I knew it we were at out local Childrens Hospital(100km away) meeting oncologiosts , being give an "oncology team" which consisted of a primary nurse, a social worker, a main oncologist and a shrink....wait a minute ...what is an oncologist? yep, a cancer doctor, this was the real thing . we waited 4 days to find out what type we were dealing with ... it was curable 90 % even though she was stage 4 , how the hell can my kid have stage 4 cancer and only a few cramps , it was mind bending. We were thrown stright into a world so foriegn to us , everything stopped ..jobs ..PAC meetings ,carppoling and yes even some friends who"couldn't handle it" it was no longer our own beds , our own home, our own anything. Treatments and life became unbearable , the 90% cure rate was not looking good at any stage throughout our journey , it seemd to be always full of negative news to the point where i couldnt stand the face of her oncologist , it nearly made me want to vomit everytime i saw him...The words they briefed us on as we began this mind altering path was " one of you will grieve through this process and no matter the out come the other will grieve after " they couldn't have been more right.......Ashley insisted on going to church on Christmas eve, two nights before she was to start chemo at the end of the service our pastor came to pray with us , i didn't know many people in the church , but wow did they know Ashley, when we rose our heads from bowing in prayer the whole congregation was surrounding us , i knew at that moment who i was going to need to get me through this ...would he be willing to listen to me...

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Lost in Mexico

Well it's day 3 back from Mexico and feeling a bit chilly, a bit lost as i cannot seem to find someone to fill my margerita cup, ugh that sounds a bit entitled.

I will spare you from boring details and  pictures of someone else's boring adventures except to say that we did have a   trip of a lifetime , the last time we were in Mexico was shortly after  Ashley passed so it was more like an escape from  our grim reality , this time was a bit more about  truly appreciating where we are today , in that moment and  trying a few things we've never done before , including  tagging along a couple  boyfriends (the girls , not mine) , wow what a difference in our lives and spans  from 6 years ago, my kids have  grown up  and Mexico was  a true yardstick for that measurement of time.

Our resort was lovely and frankly i would be happy in a grass shack on a white sand, blue sea  shore anywhere in Mexico  but this place was huge, a few differences from our last place but nothing even worth mentioning , the most important  attribute was  how friendly the staff were , i swear i must have said hola 200 times a day in reply , we were situated close to the quaint little  town of Bucerias  so we were able to  walk /ride bikes there ,  Darcy and i ventured off ( aka  got lost) into  some less than  quaint streets of "real " Mexico and  got a glimpse of "out of resort" life , as eye opening as it was  it was one of my highlights . We enjoyed  para sailing boogie boarding  massages on the beach  ( by a professional , not  our lame ass massages) ATV'g  seadooing and  a sailing adventure to Maredias to scuba dive ...spectacular , the evening shows were incredible and we were able to spend some time getting to know stef
's friends parents who were also on the trip ...one night we were leaving the lounge and up the street out of the resort i could hear singing  being belted out of the nearby sports bar , i wondered why that  voice sounded so familiar  and yes it was my karaoke  Stefanny belting out some  tune i had never heard before, did i mention Stef has a little wild side.

So to say the trip was perfect would nearly be an understatement and my only regret or preparation for next time would be to speak the language , maybe getting lost  would be a little less intimidating if i could say something more than  hola and mojito and gracias, seriously now .
So perfect  as it was right up to the last evening , my only  thing left on the list of stuff i wanted to do was to get a family pic on the beach at sunset , easy, right ? We gathered at the beach and because i had been so careful to remove my necklace during  our excursions i remembered to put it on for the picture , i wanted Ashley in the picture , if you're confused let me explain , my necklace ( well, we all have one ) is an angel which  contains Ashleys ashes in it so you can imagine the  sentiment. As i was attempting to put in on  the clasp came away and i  kinda got worried about  how safe it would be to wear so just as i was putting it away in my bag the necklace  swung in front of the picture that i quickly tried to snap of the girls , i took 3 steps and felt the  medallion hit my foot and fall , i immediately fell to my knees trying not to disturb it  but it wasn't there it wasn't where it was supposed to be , i started to panic and pretty soon all of us were looking for it but the more you moved , the more likely it was  to  fall beyond the surface , like quicksand , pretty soon others joined the search and as more joined the  worse i felt , the stupider i felt , i'm sure they were wondering what the big deal was ," it's only a material thing , you can get another one "  perhaps the people we were vacationing with  got the   word out because  somehow  the dig became a little more intense and  before i knew it there were 15-20 extra people  helping  the number kept growing , we had a rake and  a sand grater, flip flops  for  gridding and the sun was going down, fast .Little kids started helping and as much as i wanted to hug their  chubby little faces i wanted to scream" stop digging  you little monsters you're making it worse" as the sun was  fading fast so  was my hope , i could not bare the fact of leaving  Ashley behind ,i know its only symbolic but i felt like such a bad mom , i lost my child on the beach . Soon Darcy was  convincing me to let it rest for the night  and pick it up in the morning , i had to let it go,   the next day  was our last day  we only had a few  short hours left in Mexico and i didn't know how to wrap my head around it , this must all sound so silly  but that's how my crazy mind works . I couldn't sleep all night and kept trying to  relive the moment  when  i dropped it  recreating the picture i took to give me a better location ...i got up and headed to the beach  at  dawn and as i approached the beach it didn't look the same, the area seemed different but i started skimming the surface of already  dug up sand and as i said a little prayer ...just like  direct irony to the prayer i could hear the sand grating machines starting up and heading my way , i wanted to run  in front and throw myself down and give them what few pesos i had left to just shut down there  stupid machines, like really do you really need to  sift the sand ...ugh!  A few minutes later  Darcy came  sauntering by , i was really hoping not to get  a whole speel on  "safe places to keep jewelry in Mexico" the problem with  this sweet little medallion is that its no longer  shiny silver , its actually  the color of Mexican sand ..people were starting to gather on the beach , i'm not sure whether to  help , watch ,or  witness the crazy lady flipping sand about the beach , either way i was in a  zone , the  minutes were ticking down like sand in an hourglass ( and so are the days of out lives , forgive the soap operatic moment) and  i tried  resolving this emotionally and mentally and physically ....then i heard  the sound of triumph ..."OLE" and Darcy's  arms  fling up in the air and  beach break out into applause , i fell forward onto the warm beautiful Mexican sand and thanked God , thanked Darcy and burst into tears  , it was lost and now its found , those people , those funny sweet  people that you know you're never gonna  see ever again in your life  that stopped what they were doing  even for a few moments and  dug in , put aside there own stuff and in the end  rejoiced along with us. Of course  we told ourselves silly little tings like "Ashley just wanted to spend a night on the beach " " she didn't like the picture i took " " wanted to have some fun with us " not easy to do for a concrete thinker but i'll take it ...so the trip was  wonderful and meaningful and peaceful in so many ways , were home and don't think for a moment Darcy is not taking full advantage of  payback for his heroism

Followers