What i think i know so far ( Grief)
This year felt particularly difficult it was physiological , lots of tummy aches and anxiety and so on and so on for all of us, i think part of it was because the week has come full circle ,it is a Monday again , she passed on a Monday , maybe we felt the days deeper this year , maybe they brought back more memories or connections , i don't know , it's grief , there's no explanation. I see on facebook they are trying to make BC's Family Day the 3rd Monday in February to coordinate with some of the other provinces, well that is going to be twisted irony every 6 years ...ugh. Thank you all for your continued support and remembrance of Ashley. We released balloons today and as we set them free mine and Darcy's got tangled up together(hope im not pregnant...kidding ) and they sailed away trying to catch up to the girls balloons ...story of our lives...lol
On this 16th of February, 6 years to the date of Ashley's passing , i have come to know many things i wish i didn't know but in some weird way have gained value from knowing them. This has not been an easy ride, sometimes i think i'm living someone else's life , i still wake up some mornings and wonder how i got here, wonder how i'm going to put my feet on the floor and face the day and to tell you the truth some days , the really bad days i just don't bother , but those days have become further and further apart , so i suppose that is in some definition ; healing , although it doesn't really ever feel like it. But here goes , here are some things, some absolutes i've learned along the way, what i know for sure
Bad things happen to good people . Period. But...
Good things happen to bad people , the thing is though, i think we all have good and bad in us , so defining good and bad is subjective , good and bad will happen to all.
You can feel safe and scared as hell in a hospital , often simultaneously
Nothing , nothing, prepares you for tragedy, it takes your breath away , brings you to your knees and makes primitive noises come out of your soul ,it burns , that is when you know you are living a tragedy , a true tragedy , not a cliche tragedy
People will disappoint you, but you will likely disappoint others it's called being human , forgive
Use your tragedy, calamity , trial , tribulation whatever you call it as experience , use that to be on the look out for others going through something similar and aid , help , assist, comfort whatever you call it just do it , someone , somewhere will need your strength and experience , your pathos may lead their way. This is one of the best ways to cope with grief.
There is always someone who has it worse than you
Saying "i just want to be happy " is like saying i only want to be part human
Everything happens for a reason ...hog wash...i find that it helps me more to think that things happen and we can find purpose from it
This too shall pass
The bible verse " God doesn't give you more than you can handle " is misquoted and harmful, we are not meant to "handle " difficulties on our own, that is why we have a God. The verse actually refers to temptation not being able to overtake you , God will provide a way out.
Grief is not linear or lateral and the "5 stages of grief " are like an unfinished recipe. i can think of 10 more off the top of my head . There is no right way to grieve , it can look odd sometimes
Time does not "heal" it provides a scab over a hurt
losing a dog is not like losing a child , do not defend this unless you've lost both
Although losing a child is said to be the greatest loss , i will never say im in more pain than you, my worst pain and your worst pain is one's worst pain at that particular moment
You do not have to be in an obvious "helper" type job such as a nurse pastor social worker dr whatever to make a difference and show compassion in your job. One of the people that touched us the most during our journey at BCCH was the food porter , i can't describe it but it's the way he brought her food , sometimes, the smell of it ( from chemo) was enough to throw her into vomit fits , he was so compassionate and would check before he brought her food and smile so tenderly at her . I also remember the housekeeping , the mopping they would have to do in her room , they didn't complain or make anyone feel bad it was almost like an honour for them , just so respectful, these acts of compassion brought tears to our eyes many a days
I have not lost a sibling , i have only witnessed it and it appears to be a loss of the possibility of the longest relationship they would have ever had and all that that beholds
Hope is fluid and often changes form
I'm not exactly clear on prayer and miracles, but i don't think God says "you didn't pray hard enough" so hearing how hard someone else prayed and had a good outcome can be difficult to hear, i know many who never prayed at all and had a better outcome and others who prayed stedafasted(ly) and did not
Life is not fair
We are all on our own spiritual journey , some are further ahead , it's not a race with someone else
Jesus turned water into wine
Doctors are not God nor should they have the burden placed upon them ( hard lesson)
People will say really stupid things to you in your time of pain , i think it's inherent to say something to someone but it's ok to say nothing and just be
Sometimes in these circumstances it will be people you never expected to be there for you and the ones you expect to be aren't
Tragedy and major loss in a family changes a family some things obviously for the negative but from the ashes there are gifts, you come to know very deep aspects of the others soul, like uncorking a buried part of them.
Time is a double edged sword , it softens hard memories but it fades the good memories too
There is always something to be grateful for
No gesture is too small when comforting someone in pain
Grievers like to hear their lost one's name
There is a God and there is peace in knowing that this world is temporary that we are here to love our neighbour and we shall see our loved one's again and what a glorious day that will be.
Peace
