Ok , i haven't written in a few months and today provided me with
enough material to write a book. Give you some backstory first...a few
months ago Christy had made the decision to investigate missions trips ,
did her research and chose OM Canada and a short missions to Chile ,
although very excited for her and her decision to use her talents with
teaching young children her dad and i were quite hesitant and a little
fed up with people saying "she'll be just fine " ...."really ...do you
have a crystal ball? would you have said that to me when Ashley was
having cramps that lead to an ultrasound and so on and so on , just
because something tragic has happened to one of your children does not
give you a free pass on the rest of your children , the world does not
work like that....Anyways, we finally came to the conclusion that she is
18 nearly 19 and will do what she chooses to do and really this is
something selfless and in her words God driven, it's not like she was
going on a 3 week booze cruise to Mexico... so priorities right ,
convictions right? Anyways , she fundraised shared her heartfelt
testimony managed to get the time off at a fairly new job and
communicated the paperwork etc to get this going, HOWEVER, the mom part
of me would consistently ask her questions re the trip , the
particulars , itinerary etc, answers were met by "I got this don't
worry, I can do it myself" ....Folks, this is not like helping your
child prepare for her gr 7 camp or band trip this was a lesson in
letting go ...yesterday ,i had noticed that she was barely packed , i
asked her if she needed help , i may well have just asked her if she
wanted me to go with her ..."Christy do you have appropriate shorts to
wear there (its 27 deg) and not your daisy dukes for crying out loud"...
"MOM i'll get some" .. (this is 24 hours prior to trip) . Jump ahead
mid afternoon, day before trip, she starts making cupcakes to take to
her coworkers ( we're not allowed any by the way) then off to lunch with
friends ...now i'm cringing , she strolls in at 4 ish with her friend,
i order her favorite dinner and suggest we all watch a movie, movie
finishes around 8 and she decides she has to go get a travel convertor
because ours is not the right one..phones me an hour later to inform
me she and Stef are going out for her friends bday dessert at Cactus
Club , now i'm in panic mode. strolls in at 10 p.m. , packs a bit more ,
never did get her convertor. The next morning 7:30 am (90 mins prior
to leaving for airport,) she takes her time curling her hair , picking
an outfit, doing her make up and getting dressed, at 8 am informs us
she's gotta go drop off her cupcakes at work then drop a bday card off
for her friend and pick up a travel convertor .."ugh all these things
i/she could have done a week ago " she strolls in the door at 8:55 ...
the rest of us have out coats on standing at the door, with her
luggage inn our hands ready to go , she heads back to the bathroom to
finish winding her hair around her curling rod and telling us to relax
."CHRISTY we have to go " ...."k well i have to send an email from my
phone to the computer and print it off first " 41 flippin pages later (
no joke) and just what is this document ???? a handbook of all the
answers to questions i had been asking for months...are you
kidding??????????
Ok now were at the airport, not that i
expected some hallmark moment at Air Canada departures but if you want
the rundown on that slice of heaven i'm sure you can catch it on some
episode of Candid Camera or airport security cameras "teenage daughter
blasts family "i can do it myself" it;'s alright and by the end of it
we were all laughing and shaking our heads, really did you expect any
less /more .
Needless to say it's been a stressful week , with
the passing of my dad ( almost a year to the day of Darcy's dad's
passing ) We had intended to visit him on the Sunday so Christy could
say her possible last goodbye's but as fate has it cancer had other
ideas ...stupid cancer full of so many evils, he passed way 2days
prior. Once again i would like to thank everyone for their support and
condolences and prayers not only for our loss but also for the prayers
of support in letting go. It's been a few days since i started this
entry and we have spoken to Christy who seems to be in her element ,
yesterday she was playing soccer in the courtyard with children from
the orphanage, nothing like living vicariously through your children
...hahaha.
Meanwhile on the homefront we are preparing for
yet another driver in the house , thankfully she has purchased her own
car so mine will be slightly more preserved , strange thing letting go ,
whether it's your children or your parents , there has to be some sort
of resolve , some sort of que sera sera moment when you let be what
will let be , make peace with it and know God is with us in all
circumstances , perhaps not changing the circumstances, but walking with
us through it .
p.s. Christy if you're reading this Dad has been
driving you Land Rover , Stef's wearing your clothes and Britt's
sleeping in your bed...Just sayin.
Peace and Joy,
Lori
The Journey of a butterfly...Ashleys life has become symbolic of a butterfly, peaceful beautiful and free to fly where the wind takes her. We have a white butterfly that flies around us in the garden in the springtime where the other girls play. Irish folklore tells us that a white butterfly is the rebirth of a deceased child's soul reborn into something even more beautiful than before...our butterfly
June 29 1992 - February 16 2009
Welcome to the Journey of a Butterfly
We invite you to follow along one family's journey through grief and loss, one brave young girl's journey through faith and inspiration, this is not a blog to convert anyone , nor is it a blog about fundraising , it is what i hope will reach another family on a similar journey, we are not experts , i could not give you a magic remedy for how one gets through disease and devestation but it is our story , sometimes gut wrenching other time heartwarming and all of the time, i guarantee, very real. We are not perfect, we struggle daily and i think that the more we connect to one another the more we understand what this journey through life is all about . Sometimes that path is bumpy and we fall down, sometimes we sit and stop a while,or take a step back and other times we pound our fists on the pavement like a lunatic , still other times we find ourselves picking eachother up dusting eachother off and walking alongside them even if only for short time. This blog is dedicated to Ashley , her sisters and every single angel that picked us up along this road.
This is an introduction to the beginning and middle part of our journey the specific blogs are more indepth , the end...well there will never be an end to this journey i've come to realize that , not on this earth, for now we just assimilate it into our life like a hole , a missing limb, a continous ache that you just learn to live with.
When Ashley was about 12 years old she asked if she could go to youth group at a local church , i didn't have any church upbringing but know i craved it throughout my life , this was a rare opportunity and i recognized that if i didn't embrace it now she may lose her interst in it very quickly and beocme a jaded, cynical, stubborn person like her mom. My husband grew up in a very religious (shove it down your throat) kinda religion( i wont mention any names)or maybe it was the way he was raised ? Anyways i encouraged her to go because the community we had moved to embraced this kinda thing so i thought why not? Naturally and shortly after she started attending she was soon encouraging us to go , she had made quite a leadership name for herself there , pionner leader , sunday school helper etc, i was comfortable for the first time in my life going to a church, maybe it was the first word that greeted you as you walked in..."belong" maybe it was because they embraced community and outreach service in our city , dont know, but soon found it very therapeutic, cheaper than a shrink, and our other 3 girls jumped on board pretty quickly, my husband well... a work in progress , he communes with God in a fishing boat he says , although makes many efforts to go even if just for good way to start the week, i was still cynical , felt i wasnt holy enough but went anyways.
Ashley was scheduled to sing a solo in the church choir Dec 16 2007 , i was scared for her, i was sure she got her singing skills from me which was nil at best. She sang beautifully and you couldnt tell she had been complaining of cramps , something i chalked up to girls stuff/growing pains for a couple weeks off and on, she was an active healthy girl. When the performnce was done we got our christmas tree and i took her to the clinic to have it checked out before Christmas , they sent us to our local hosptial for tests , i was worried it was appendix. Darcy, my husband left the hosptial to go pick up our other 3 girls from friends houses , i caught the doctor in the ahallways and asked if the ulstrasound pictures were back, i remember having eye contact with Ashley only feet away from me but far enough away for her not to hear the doctor to so impassionaltely say "its not appendix, it looks like cancer", i have to stop as i write this because it is still one of the 2 biggest shocks in my entire life, i think i ran down the hallways screaming with no sound coming from my throat and not knowing where i was running . I phoned Darcy and words didnt come out of my mouth. Before I knew it we were at out local Childrens Hospital(100km away) meeting oncologiosts , being give an "oncology team" which consisted of a primary nurse, a social worker, a main oncologist and a shrink....wait a minute ...what is an oncologist? yep, a cancer doctor, this was the real thing . we waited 4 days to find out what type we were dealing with ... it was curable 90 % even though she was stage 4 , how the hell can my kid have stage 4 cancer and only a few cramps , it was mind bending. We were thrown stright into a world so foriegn to us , everything stopped ..jobs ..PAC meetings ,carppoling and yes even some friends who"couldn't handle it" it was no longer our own beds , our own home, our own anything. Treatments and life became unbearable , the 90% cure rate was not looking good at any stage throughout our journey , it seemd to be always full of negative news to the point where i couldnt stand the face of her oncologist , it nearly made me want to vomit everytime i saw him...The words they briefed us on as we began this mind altering path was " one of you will grieve through this process and no matter the out come the other will grieve after " they couldn't have been more right.......Ashley insisted on going to church on Christmas eve, two nights before she was to start chemo at the end of the service our pastor came to pray with us , i didn't know many people in the church , but wow did they know Ashley, when we rose our heads from bowing in prayer the whole congregation was surrounding us , i knew at that moment who i was going to need to get me through this ...would he be willing to listen to me...
