June 29 1992 - February 16 2009

Welcome to the Journey of a Butterfly

Welcome to Ashleys Journey,

We invite you to follow along one family's journey through grief and loss, one brave young girl's journey through faith and inspiration, this is not a blog to convert anyone , nor is it a blog about fundraising , it is what i hope will reach another family on a similar journey, we are not experts , i could not give you a magic remedy for how one gets through disease and devestation but it is our story , sometimes gut wrenching other time heartwarming and all of the time, i guarantee, very real. We are not perfect, we struggle daily and i think that the more we connect to one another the more we understand what this journey through life is all about . Sometimes that path is bumpy and we fall down, sometimes we sit and stop a while,or take a step back and other times we pound our fists on the pavement like a lunatic , still other times we find ourselves picking eachother up dusting eachother off and walking alongside them even if only for short time. This blog is dedicated to Ashley , her sisters and every single angel that picked us up along this road.
This is an introduction to the beginning and middle part of our journey the specific blogs are more indepth , the end...well there will never be an end to this journey i've come to realize that , not on this earth, for now we just assimilate it into our life like a hole , a missing limb, a continous ache that you just learn to live with.
When Ashley was about 12 years old she asked if she could go to youth group at a local church , i didn't have any church upbringing but know i craved it throughout my life , this was a rare opportunity and i recognized that if i didn't embrace it now she may lose her interst in it very quickly and beocme a jaded, cynical, stubborn person like her mom. My husband grew up in a very religious (shove it down your throat) kinda religion( i wont mention any names)or maybe it was the way he was raised ? Anyways i encouraged her to go because the community we had moved to embraced this kinda thing so i thought why not? Naturally and shortly after she started attending she was soon encouraging us to go , she had made quite a leadership name for herself there , pionner leader , sunday school helper etc, i was comfortable for the first time in my life going to a church, maybe it was the first word that greeted you as you walked in..."belong" maybe it was because they embraced community and outreach service in our city , dont know, but soon found it very therapeutic, cheaper than a shrink, and our other 3 girls jumped on board pretty quickly, my husband well... a work in progress , he communes with God in a fishing boat he says , although makes many efforts to go even if just for good way to start the week, i was still cynical , felt i wasnt holy enough but went anyways.
Ashley was scheduled to sing a solo in the church choir Dec 16 2007 , i was scared for her, i was sure she got her singing skills from me which was nil at best. She sang beautifully and you couldnt tell she had been complaining of cramps , something i chalked up to girls stuff/growing pains for a couple weeks off and on, she was an active healthy girl. When the performnce was done we got our christmas tree and i took her to the clinic to have it checked out before Christmas , they sent us to our local hosptial for tests , i was worried it was appendix. Darcy, my husband left the hosptial to go pick up our other 3 girls from friends houses , i caught the doctor in the ahallways and asked if the ulstrasound pictures were back, i remember having eye contact with Ashley only feet away from me but far enough away for her not to hear the doctor to so impassionaltely say "its not appendix, it looks like cancer", i have to stop as i write this because it is still one of the 2 biggest shocks in my entire life, i think i ran down the hallways screaming with no sound coming from my throat and not knowing where i was running . I phoned Darcy and words didnt come out of my mouth. Before I knew it we were at out local Childrens Hospital(100km away) meeting oncologiosts , being give an "oncology team" which consisted of a primary nurse, a social worker, a main oncologist and a shrink....wait a minute ...what is an oncologist? yep, a cancer doctor, this was the real thing . we waited 4 days to find out what type we were dealing with ... it was curable 90 % even though she was stage 4 , how the hell can my kid have stage 4 cancer and only a few cramps , it was mind bending. We were thrown stright into a world so foriegn to us , everything stopped ..jobs ..PAC meetings ,carppoling and yes even some friends who"couldn't handle it" it was no longer our own beds , our own home, our own anything. Treatments and life became unbearable , the 90% cure rate was not looking good at any stage throughout our journey , it seemd to be always full of negative news to the point where i couldnt stand the face of her oncologist , it nearly made me want to vomit everytime i saw him...The words they briefed us on as we began this mind altering path was " one of you will grieve through this process and no matter the out come the other will grieve after " they couldn't have been more right.......Ashley insisted on going to church on Christmas eve, two nights before she was to start chemo at the end of the service our pastor came to pray with us , i didn't know many people in the church , but wow did they know Ashley, when we rose our heads from bowing in prayer the whole congregation was surrounding us , i knew at that moment who i was going to need to get me through this ...would he be willing to listen to me...

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Happy 19th Ash

Happy 19th Birthday Ashley,
I can't believe you would have been 19 today.

It is raining this morning and i don't think it has rained once on your birthday since the day you were born,actually it was a summer storm, one that broke into a beautiful just after sunrise (hence your stormy dawn name). i'm not sure how you would have celebrated today but something tells me it wouldn't have been in the normal "19 year old" fashion or maybe i'm just naive and think of you still at 16...life in its normal way kinda stopped for you then , not that you stopped maturing in fact i think that's when you became the wise old soul that i cherish. I wouldn't be human if i didn't wish you were here right now , but in my heart of hearts i know how unfair that would be, because i suspect by now you have found your way home and pitty us poor souls who live in this wandering world , lost and confused.

We raised butterflies again this year , however, many of them didn't make it, they are in a beautiful atrium and as i went to feed one yesterday, it got away , i found it a few minutes later and struggled with what to do with it, i caught it and placed it back into the atrium until today , i know that you would have told me to set it free regardless of it being a day too early, i suppose that human part of me just wanted to hang on a little longer, i'm sorry its just not that easy to let her go(did i say her?) i guess i just want to keep it safe where i can watch over it, but today they will all be free and i imagine they will all eventually find their way home , their time here on earth is short but long enough to bring joy to those they bless with their beauty. We will be surrounded by family and friends today and we will remember birthdays past , your 1st , your 5th , your 10th , your 13th , and finally your 16th , they are a klaidescope in my mind of blown out candles, brand new shiny bicycles, warm sunny days,children's laughter and slumber parties and your dad's silly antics and puppies and horseback rides into the sunset and butterflies... always seems to be a butterfly, somewhere. Those memories hold such salty tears as they pass by my mouth to form puddles on the ground big enough to see reflections in them, the kind that change colours like a klaidescope.I'm going to work in your garden now,make a temporaryy home for your butterflies (kinda like how i'd clean your room before your party) i know it's raining but maybe they are tears of joy and splendor from heaven for a time we will all be together again. Happy Birthday baby girl
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Sunday, June 5, 2011

Childrun 2011

Just a quick note tonight to send out great big thank you's to our Ashleys Journey run team and our amazing supporters and donors, many of which we have never met.
We were up at 6 this morning to get to the new location of this year's Childrun, which was relocated a few blocks from BCCH due to the construction of the new hospital(Yippee)

Things went very smoothly considering parking was a nightmare, hence leaving at 6 because of my over(anal)organized hubby.The whole gang was there and my sister and her girls were newcomers this year,having to travel from Bowen Island,as well my brother in law , thank you all for coming, out team is growing every year. The day was beautiful , couldn't ask for a better day and of course running or beating times was not the objective, we walked and laughed and shed a few tears but all in all it was a nice day, we are so blessed.

I want to give a sweet thank you to all my little neices who got up in front of their classes and gave speeches and accounts of their understanding of what the run meant to them,and what their cousin had to go through. I love to hear the outcomes of the stories of their schoolmates bringing in their piggybanks and the compassion their great big hearts pour out. Thank you to all the parents who heard the story, encouraged their children ...you have probably taught them more than they will ever learn in a classroom.

To all our faithful supporters, you continue to make us grateful we have such wonderful people in our life. I would love to share more of our day with you but although it was only 5k i'm exhausted, emotionally draining day as it is also miracle weekend and we are so vividly reminded of those still fighting, so again, thank you on behalf of them as well.

Thank You Ashleys Journey run team, supporters, donors, family and friends.
Much Peace and Love
Lori
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