Ahhh my first weekday off in i don't know how long and i sit here listening to the rain pound down as if it were late October, wondering where spring is, i know it is midway through May and my calendar reminds me of my insane weeks ahead but for some reason i am still stuck in drearyland , i blame it on the weather, must be that change of season thing i don't do very well at anymore, some sunshine would help.
Have to say as hard as it was getting rid of my van i am enjoying my new vehicle, despite the fact that i haven't been able to use the sunroof( as outlined above) but i am appreciating complimentary Sirius radio... for probably a limited amount of time ...but i tell you when i am having a bad day that spa station eases my stress and makes the drive a little more bearable (where was this during hospital season) sometimes its not even the song itself its the title of the song , it always seems to fit the feeling, like a little message or mini sermon or counselling session( wow i'm a wack a doodle) Last Saturday we sported our "Ashley team" tshirts gathered our group and set out in 3 vehicles to BCCH, i said a little prayer for the day that was upon us and as i looked down at the radio screen the song title playing on my spa station was "healing" how utterly perfect....Anyways , a great big thank you to Baillie , Ashley's bff, she shaved her head this past weekend at the annual Balding for Dollars event at BCCH raising well over $1300.00 for children and families fighting childhood cancer, by the way she looks beautiful and it kinda suits her , blends well with her piercings etc, again it was one of those rainy days that seemed to clear up especially for the event , like the heavens were singing down upon us. Baillie came well prepared with an entourage of support, we were very proud of her not just for shaving her head but for truly remembering Ashley and honouring her fight , i know she will be asked about it for weeks to come and she will share her very special story of she and Ashleys friendship. Thank you Baillie.Have to say it was a bitttersweet day as most of these events usually are, smiling and tearing up at the same time, there is no avoiding her medical team at these events , sorry if that sounds cold, i have a special place in my heart for them but they are the "in your face " reminders of a very cruel time, in their embrace i feel their sorrow and in their face i see how they've aged in a world that is far too indiscriminant. I saw families that were still fighting and ones that seemed to be missing someone , (no explanation needed). We avoided t.v. and radio stuff and decided just to be there to celebrate the fight Of Ashley and so many others who have to wear their disease so visually. Thank you to Baillie's family for supporting such an awesome kid and for stepping into this world with us for a while. The day ended nicely with friends making us dinner and watching the hockey game which i have recently been far more amused by watching the people watch the game then i have the actual game , we are silly creatures.
If you are wondering what to do with all your surplus of cash may i gently suggest our upcoming fundraisers , we have put together a team for the run this year , lol..i think it s always so funny when i say the word run , i actually mean stroll, some in no mental shape to be running from celebrartory bbq's the night before but hey if it means more donations i'll give it a go. This is our 4th annual run and i just want to thank you for all your previous support and prayers , the cost of this disease is ridiculous and every little bit helps , you'd be surprised to hear the staggering costs of how much it costs just to write a grant for trial medications , i digress and save you the shock factor , but please know that although many of you will never have to face it ( childhood cancer) those that do need every penny.
Darcy's industry golf tournament is just around the corner, another sport i have to fake , we should really consider a ski fundraisier or wine tasting fundraiser ...(hhmmm mental note to Lori) we are very pleased to announce that funds will be going to BCCCPA (in Ashleys name) this year to assist families struggling financially with the demands of fighting childhood cancer, i'm sure you've heard my stories of families that have been completely wiped out due to the financial burden ..."no our medical system foes NOT cover everything and NO E.I does not take pity for more than 6 weeks for families who have to leave their job" so a cause that is definitely worth fighting for, again i pray none of you ever have to deal with this first hand.
Fundraising and all that year end stuff including Ashley's scholarship selection and presentation , dance competitions, Darcy getting the boat ready for summer ( yikes poor wallet) etc i am looking forward to the sunny days ahead. May sunshine and peace fall upon you all. on these dreary days. A new season is upon us. God Bless.
Peace,
Lori
P.S.
Thank you to Ashleys school for choosing their recent fundraiser and honouring it in her name , funny how sometimes you don't see how far reaching things are , how random, i found out so uneventfully that they chose this cause after hearing one of Ashleys doctors speak about her at a Kiwanis meeting, feels like the definition of whisper or a breeze.
Anyone seen "rabbit Hole " yet planning to watch it with a box of kleenex and kindered friends, the trailers look a bit familiar , think im in for a "My Sisters Keeper" kind of relatable movie
The Journey of a butterfly...Ashleys life has become symbolic of a butterfly, peaceful beautiful and free to fly where the wind takes her. We have a white butterfly that flies around us in the garden in the springtime where the other girls play. Irish folklore tells us that a white butterfly is the rebirth of a deceased child's soul reborn into something even more beautiful than before...our butterfly
June 29 1992 - February 16 2009
Welcome to the Journey of a Butterfly
We invite you to follow along one family's journey through grief and loss, one brave young girl's journey through faith and inspiration, this is not a blog to convert anyone , nor is it a blog about fundraising , it is what i hope will reach another family on a similar journey, we are not experts , i could not give you a magic remedy for how one gets through disease and devestation but it is our story , sometimes gut wrenching other time heartwarming and all of the time, i guarantee, very real. We are not perfect, we struggle daily and i think that the more we connect to one another the more we understand what this journey through life is all about . Sometimes that path is bumpy and we fall down, sometimes we sit and stop a while,or take a step back and other times we pound our fists on the pavement like a lunatic , still other times we find ourselves picking eachother up dusting eachother off and walking alongside them even if only for short time. This blog is dedicated to Ashley , her sisters and every single angel that picked us up along this road.
This is an introduction to the beginning and middle part of our journey the specific blogs are more indepth , the end...well there will never be an end to this journey i've come to realize that , not on this earth, for now we just assimilate it into our life like a hole , a missing limb, a continous ache that you just learn to live with.
When Ashley was about 12 years old she asked if she could go to youth group at a local church , i didn't have any church upbringing but know i craved it throughout my life , this was a rare opportunity and i recognized that if i didn't embrace it now she may lose her interst in it very quickly and beocme a jaded, cynical, stubborn person like her mom. My husband grew up in a very religious (shove it down your throat) kinda religion( i wont mention any names)or maybe it was the way he was raised ? Anyways i encouraged her to go because the community we had moved to embraced this kinda thing so i thought why not? Naturally and shortly after she started attending she was soon encouraging us to go , she had made quite a leadership name for herself there , pionner leader , sunday school helper etc, i was comfortable for the first time in my life going to a church, maybe it was the first word that greeted you as you walked in..."belong" maybe it was because they embraced community and outreach service in our city , dont know, but soon found it very therapeutic, cheaper than a shrink, and our other 3 girls jumped on board pretty quickly, my husband well... a work in progress , he communes with God in a fishing boat he says , although makes many efforts to go even if just for good way to start the week, i was still cynical , felt i wasnt holy enough but went anyways.
Ashley was scheduled to sing a solo in the church choir Dec 16 2007 , i was scared for her, i was sure she got her singing skills from me which was nil at best. She sang beautifully and you couldnt tell she had been complaining of cramps , something i chalked up to girls stuff/growing pains for a couple weeks off and on, she was an active healthy girl. When the performnce was done we got our christmas tree and i took her to the clinic to have it checked out before Christmas , they sent us to our local hosptial for tests , i was worried it was appendix. Darcy, my husband left the hosptial to go pick up our other 3 girls from friends houses , i caught the doctor in the ahallways and asked if the ulstrasound pictures were back, i remember having eye contact with Ashley only feet away from me but far enough away for her not to hear the doctor to so impassionaltely say "its not appendix, it looks like cancer", i have to stop as i write this because it is still one of the 2 biggest shocks in my entire life, i think i ran down the hallways screaming with no sound coming from my throat and not knowing where i was running . I phoned Darcy and words didnt come out of my mouth. Before I knew it we were at out local Childrens Hospital(100km away) meeting oncologiosts , being give an "oncology team" which consisted of a primary nurse, a social worker, a main oncologist and a shrink....wait a minute ...what is an oncologist? yep, a cancer doctor, this was the real thing . we waited 4 days to find out what type we were dealing with ... it was curable 90 % even though she was stage 4 , how the hell can my kid have stage 4 cancer and only a few cramps , it was mind bending. We were thrown stright into a world so foriegn to us , everything stopped ..jobs ..PAC meetings ,carppoling and yes even some friends who"couldn't handle it" it was no longer our own beds , our own home, our own anything. Treatments and life became unbearable , the 90% cure rate was not looking good at any stage throughout our journey , it seemd to be always full of negative news to the point where i couldnt stand the face of her oncologist , it nearly made me want to vomit everytime i saw him...The words they briefed us on as we began this mind altering path was " one of you will grieve through this process and no matter the out come the other will grieve after " they couldn't have been more right.......Ashley insisted on going to church on Christmas eve, two nights before she was to start chemo at the end of the service our pastor came to pray with us , i didn't know many people in the church , but wow did they know Ashley, when we rose our heads from bowing in prayer the whole congregation was surrounding us , i knew at that moment who i was going to need to get me through this ...would he be willing to listen to me...
