Stumbling Through This Week
It's late on February 12 2011 as i begin this note , i have so much tied to this day as it stands out as another one of those markers that are burned into my memory at such a cellular level that it may take minutes to finish this blog or it may take days.
I know many of you are aware that we are facing the upcoming 2 year mark of Ashleys passing from this world on the 16th, but as i recall the days prior, it is the 12th that leaps out to me as lost hope for what we had placed our faith into ,which was a miracle a cure a healing here on earth.
Early that morning Ashley had been complaining of pain in her ribs,i knew it was not a good sign but thought that maybe these last couple months of the "try it and see drugs " and the fact we had moved her care closer to home may have meant this was some kinda wierd healing pain. That was not so.
As the Dr. called us into the meeting room, which eerily resembled the one at Childrens he was seated next to a social worker, between their body language , looks on their faces, and my own well seasoned knowledge of this set up, i knew, but the news of "i'm sorry there's nothing more we can do" still threw me for a shock, next came questions like how long ? etc. etc, questions that are so unnatural for a parent to ask about their own child. I sat with the social worker for what felt like an eternity, how i had only known her for such a short time but here i was purging my soul ache to her, she was good at her job , never offered one piece of advice just listened to the sound of pain and fought back her own tears. The Dr. told us we may have several weeks, maybe months , never did i imagine that 4 days later she would close her eyes and enter sleep in heavenly peace. I didn't get the chance to ask her questions about her final wishes , it was a subject i would have let her leave hints for as time drew closer but that time never presented an opportunity , maybe it wasn't supposed to.
We therefore stumble through special dates only hoping we are doing what she would have wanted. This year we have decided to " lay low" for some reason this year seems a bit tougher than last year ,so much for time healing all wounds (pphh). Last year we invited those who wanted to participate in a balloon release and bible reading at the placement of her grave marker, followed by a gathering at our home. This year seems different and feels as if we just need to find ways to spend some quiet time, we have some ideas on how to honour Ashley and her interests, but feel we need to tread softly, a day of reverance i suppose. Maybe each year will be something different , who knows. There are many events and public ways we are involved in our journey throughout the year but this is one day we have decided to keep sacred. We will always continue to release balloons because it was something we did every year for fun anyways , i invite anyone who would like to find a way to remember Ashley to find a nice patch of sky wherever you are and send a balloon into the heavens and let her know you're thinking of her, or a random act of kindness,or send us an email , let us know how things are with you and yours, do you do anything different now? is your family any different now ? Do you hug your kids a little tighter? Funny cause i guess when your child leaves this earth, you want to know that it wasn't in vain, that their legacy continues to live on. When your child dies of a disease you can fundraise and raise awareness all you want but there isn't always something that changes , like in the case of getting laws passed or new inititatives because of the circumstance in how they died, so hearing the smallest thing about how your child made a difference ...means she made a difference... she shared and taught her faith in God and had a beautiful spirit ..this i know.
It will be a tough week if we appear like zombies, were not quite, feeling a little depleted like my body hasn't had vegetables or fruit or water or something., maybe just an empty feeling . I am confident that through prayers, faith and the grace of God we will continue to heal , we thank you for your genuine concern , your thoughts and prayers, we are blessed.
Peace,
Lori
The Journey of a butterfly...Ashleys life has become symbolic of a butterfly, peaceful beautiful and free to fly where the wind takes her. We have a white butterfly that flies around us in the garden in the springtime where the other girls play. Irish folklore tells us that a white butterfly is the rebirth of a deceased child's soul reborn into something even more beautiful than before...our butterfly
June 29 1992 - February 16 2009
Welcome to the Journey of a Butterfly
We invite you to follow along one family's journey through grief and loss, one brave young girl's journey through faith and inspiration, this is not a blog to convert anyone , nor is it a blog about fundraising , it is what i hope will reach another family on a similar journey, we are not experts , i could not give you a magic remedy for how one gets through disease and devestation but it is our story , sometimes gut wrenching other time heartwarming and all of the time, i guarantee, very real. We are not perfect, we struggle daily and i think that the more we connect to one another the more we understand what this journey through life is all about . Sometimes that path is bumpy and we fall down, sometimes we sit and stop a while,or take a step back and other times we pound our fists on the pavement like a lunatic , still other times we find ourselves picking eachother up dusting eachother off and walking alongside them even if only for short time. This blog is dedicated to Ashley , her sisters and every single angel that picked us up along this road.
This is an introduction to the beginning and middle part of our journey the specific blogs are more indepth , the end...well there will never be an end to this journey i've come to realize that , not on this earth, for now we just assimilate it into our life like a hole , a missing limb, a continous ache that you just learn to live with.
When Ashley was about 12 years old she asked if she could go to youth group at a local church , i didn't have any church upbringing but know i craved it throughout my life , this was a rare opportunity and i recognized that if i didn't embrace it now she may lose her interst in it very quickly and beocme a jaded, cynical, stubborn person like her mom. My husband grew up in a very religious (shove it down your throat) kinda religion( i wont mention any names)or maybe it was the way he was raised ? Anyways i encouraged her to go because the community we had moved to embraced this kinda thing so i thought why not? Naturally and shortly after she started attending she was soon encouraging us to go , she had made quite a leadership name for herself there , pionner leader , sunday school helper etc, i was comfortable for the first time in my life going to a church, maybe it was the first word that greeted you as you walked in..."belong" maybe it was because they embraced community and outreach service in our city , dont know, but soon found it very therapeutic, cheaper than a shrink, and our other 3 girls jumped on board pretty quickly, my husband well... a work in progress , he communes with God in a fishing boat he says , although makes many efforts to go even if just for good way to start the week, i was still cynical , felt i wasnt holy enough but went anyways.
Ashley was scheduled to sing a solo in the church choir Dec 16 2007 , i was scared for her, i was sure she got her singing skills from me which was nil at best. She sang beautifully and you couldnt tell she had been complaining of cramps , something i chalked up to girls stuff/growing pains for a couple weeks off and on, she was an active healthy girl. When the performnce was done we got our christmas tree and i took her to the clinic to have it checked out before Christmas , they sent us to our local hosptial for tests , i was worried it was appendix. Darcy, my husband left the hosptial to go pick up our other 3 girls from friends houses , i caught the doctor in the ahallways and asked if the ulstrasound pictures were back, i remember having eye contact with Ashley only feet away from me but far enough away for her not to hear the doctor to so impassionaltely say "its not appendix, it looks like cancer", i have to stop as i write this because it is still one of the 2 biggest shocks in my entire life, i think i ran down the hallways screaming with no sound coming from my throat and not knowing where i was running . I phoned Darcy and words didnt come out of my mouth. Before I knew it we were at out local Childrens Hospital(100km away) meeting oncologiosts , being give an "oncology team" which consisted of a primary nurse, a social worker, a main oncologist and a shrink....wait a minute ...what is an oncologist? yep, a cancer doctor, this was the real thing . we waited 4 days to find out what type we were dealing with ... it was curable 90 % even though she was stage 4 , how the hell can my kid have stage 4 cancer and only a few cramps , it was mind bending. We were thrown stright into a world so foriegn to us , everything stopped ..jobs ..PAC meetings ,carppoling and yes even some friends who"couldn't handle it" it was no longer our own beds , our own home, our own anything. Treatments and life became unbearable , the 90% cure rate was not looking good at any stage throughout our journey , it seemd to be always full of negative news to the point where i couldnt stand the face of her oncologist , it nearly made me want to vomit everytime i saw him...The words they briefed us on as we began this mind altering path was " one of you will grieve through this process and no matter the out come the other will grieve after " they couldn't have been more right.......Ashley insisted on going to church on Christmas eve, two nights before she was to start chemo at the end of the service our pastor came to pray with us , i didn't know many people in the church , but wow did they know Ashley, when we rose our heads from bowing in prayer the whole congregation was surrounding us , i knew at that moment who i was going to need to get me through this ...would he be willing to listen to me...
