If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans
Well a couple weeks into a new year and trying not to fall into that resolution trap, at least not without caveats. I don't really recognize Jan 1 as a new year anymore, well not spiritually anyways , think i have set aside a new date for that, realizing that there really is always a time to transform the mind and heart at any stage. My opening statement always cracks me up because it gives a mental picture of how silly us humans envision our life , like we have complete control and say over the events that happen to us, when really we only have control over how we respond to them. I used to be 5 year planner kinda person now i rarely plan 5 minutes ahead, not to say there is anything wrong with goals and making sure you book prime time off of work for summer and winter holidays but that's still only an "if"... always purchase cancellation insurance both financially and emotionally.
Speaking of winter holidays , have to say that Christmas was not all that bad, not great , not painless but not too bad. Promised myself i would not over book anything and not require too much of ourselves during the holidays but still found myself busy ...yuck...did manage to keep to my promise that i wouldn't do anything too obligatory like decorations, baking and sending out Christmas cards, thank you for understanding, i'm sure you weren't sitting at your mailbox pining away for one from us but thank you for the ones you sent, not even going to rant this year about Christmas form letters , just giggle silently to myself ,ooops did i say that out loud? Darcy and i were able to get away to the sunshine coast for a couple days prior to our Christmas week ski trip and after he finished his navigation boating course , can't just take the mindless one on the computer has to learn everything and anything, charts , maps etc so think a sailboat may be slipping into our future, not sure hows he's going to pull skiiers and tubes now but he has sometime to figure that out, a nice distraction. Skiing was amazing ,stayed at a different place this year that seemed to have all the comforts of home including a kitchen (yuk) but Darcy had cooked his famous lasgana etc prior to going, that, a bottle of baileys, and we ate (and drank) well, weather was amazing and kids rarely fought , i got my Christmas gift this year. To tell you the truth we didnt even realize it was Christmas day until about 4:00 when we came off the mountain to get ready to go to dinner.
New Years was spent quietly with the girls having some friends over for Chrity's bday watching movies that were not properly rated and so began my quiet contimplation of New Years resolutions avec caveats. I won't go into detail but will say that i'm failing miserably , just ask the poor telemarketer who just phoned on my only day off this week...urgh!!!So, i guess try to eat healthier this year, no more skipping meals. l'st year was difficult cause it was back to cooking after having spent a year indulging on all the yummy food you stalked us up with , i should probably be asking for some of those recipes.Yes, be kinder to others , give more , smile more even if i have to fake it til i make it, exercise more blah blah blah , watch the sarcasm ... ha!!! good one , way too much material and brilliant leaders for that and i don't like to disappoint people, that trumps , drinking , well i will always stick to my water into wine thing, it's biblical ( in moderation of course) speaking of biblical... remembering who my teacher is and where to put my faith, where to turn in times of trouble who to thank for my blessings and who to ask forgiveness from, and if i'm asking for it guess that means i have to give it too..."forgive everyone everything" ..hard thing to do for some ...CAVEAT : doesn't mean you have to put yourself back in the same line of fire, means you let go , move on and stay clear of the negative or harmful influences... such a hardass, working on that too but realizing its a little ingrained need to keep a little for special occasions ...lol
This Febraury will mark two years for us since saying goodbye to Ashley(physically) there has been alot of sideline trauma and anxiety that goes along with that, so maybe this year will try to live like were not waiting for the ball to drop, maybe when i see an email from her dr. it IS because he IS wishing us Merry Christmas,not sending me bad news, so i can open up the email and not chuck out the computer. Ahh removal of the negative influences and welcoming of the good... CAVEAT: knowing the difference. Happy New year, may it bring you the strength, faith and gratitude you need to grow to meet the challenges and blessings that lie ahead.
Peace,
Lori
The Journey of a butterfly...Ashleys life has become symbolic of a butterfly, peaceful beautiful and free to fly where the wind takes her. We have a white butterfly that flies around us in the garden in the springtime where the other girls play. Irish folklore tells us that a white butterfly is the rebirth of a deceased child's soul reborn into something even more beautiful than before...our butterfly
June 29 1992 - February 16 2009
Welcome to the Journey of a Butterfly
We invite you to follow along one family's journey through grief and loss, one brave young girl's journey through faith and inspiration, this is not a blog to convert anyone , nor is it a blog about fundraising , it is what i hope will reach another family on a similar journey, we are not experts , i could not give you a magic remedy for how one gets through disease and devestation but it is our story , sometimes gut wrenching other time heartwarming and all of the time, i guarantee, very real. We are not perfect, we struggle daily and i think that the more we connect to one another the more we understand what this journey through life is all about . Sometimes that path is bumpy and we fall down, sometimes we sit and stop a while,or take a step back and other times we pound our fists on the pavement like a lunatic , still other times we find ourselves picking eachother up dusting eachother off and walking alongside them even if only for short time. This blog is dedicated to Ashley , her sisters and every single angel that picked us up along this road.
This is an introduction to the beginning and middle part of our journey the specific blogs are more indepth , the end...well there will never be an end to this journey i've come to realize that , not on this earth, for now we just assimilate it into our life like a hole , a missing limb, a continous ache that you just learn to live with.
When Ashley was about 12 years old she asked if she could go to youth group at a local church , i didn't have any church upbringing but know i craved it throughout my life , this was a rare opportunity and i recognized that if i didn't embrace it now she may lose her interst in it very quickly and beocme a jaded, cynical, stubborn person like her mom. My husband grew up in a very religious (shove it down your throat) kinda religion( i wont mention any names)or maybe it was the way he was raised ? Anyways i encouraged her to go because the community we had moved to embraced this kinda thing so i thought why not? Naturally and shortly after she started attending she was soon encouraging us to go , she had made quite a leadership name for herself there , pionner leader , sunday school helper etc, i was comfortable for the first time in my life going to a church, maybe it was the first word that greeted you as you walked in..."belong" maybe it was because they embraced community and outreach service in our city , dont know, but soon found it very therapeutic, cheaper than a shrink, and our other 3 girls jumped on board pretty quickly, my husband well... a work in progress , he communes with God in a fishing boat he says , although makes many efforts to go even if just for good way to start the week, i was still cynical , felt i wasnt holy enough but went anyways.
Ashley was scheduled to sing a solo in the church choir Dec 16 2007 , i was scared for her, i was sure she got her singing skills from me which was nil at best. She sang beautifully and you couldnt tell she had been complaining of cramps , something i chalked up to girls stuff/growing pains for a couple weeks off and on, she was an active healthy girl. When the performnce was done we got our christmas tree and i took her to the clinic to have it checked out before Christmas , they sent us to our local hosptial for tests , i was worried it was appendix. Darcy, my husband left the hosptial to go pick up our other 3 girls from friends houses , i caught the doctor in the ahallways and asked if the ulstrasound pictures were back, i remember having eye contact with Ashley only feet away from me but far enough away for her not to hear the doctor to so impassionaltely say "its not appendix, it looks like cancer", i have to stop as i write this because it is still one of the 2 biggest shocks in my entire life, i think i ran down the hallways screaming with no sound coming from my throat and not knowing where i was running . I phoned Darcy and words didnt come out of my mouth. Before I knew it we were at out local Childrens Hospital(100km away) meeting oncologiosts , being give an "oncology team" which consisted of a primary nurse, a social worker, a main oncologist and a shrink....wait a minute ...what is an oncologist? yep, a cancer doctor, this was the real thing . we waited 4 days to find out what type we were dealing with ... it was curable 90 % even though she was stage 4 , how the hell can my kid have stage 4 cancer and only a few cramps , it was mind bending. We were thrown stright into a world so foriegn to us , everything stopped ..jobs ..PAC meetings ,carppoling and yes even some friends who"couldn't handle it" it was no longer our own beds , our own home, our own anything. Treatments and life became unbearable , the 90% cure rate was not looking good at any stage throughout our journey , it seemd to be always full of negative news to the point where i couldnt stand the face of her oncologist , it nearly made me want to vomit everytime i saw him...The words they briefed us on as we began this mind altering path was " one of you will grieve through this process and no matter the out come the other will grieve after " they couldn't have been more right.......Ashley insisted on going to church on Christmas eve, two nights before she was to start chemo at the end of the service our pastor came to pray with us , i didn't know many people in the church , but wow did they know Ashley, when we rose our heads from bowing in prayer the whole congregation was surrounding us , i knew at that moment who i was going to need to get me through this ...would he be willing to listen to me...
