Friday, December 16, 2011
Four Years
Dec 16 2007
Me: "Dr. have the ulatrasound results come back yet?
Emerg Dr: (pause) "Is your husband with you?"
Me: "no, he should be here soon , he's picking up the kids,why"
Dr: "the test result are in and it doesn't look like appendix"
Me: "Oh good then what could it be"
Dr: "I'm sorry ma'am but it looks like cancer"
Me ...inaudibility.
Today is Dec 16 2011, 4 years since those words entered my ears yet could not find the signal to my brain. somehow it just registered as static, static that blurred my vision and numbed my body one inch at a time until i was paralyzed and running frantically at the same time and somehow it can still do that to me if i let my mind wander too far.
Tomorrow i will send an email to her oncologist, like i am acknowledging some sort of weird warped anniversary of the "day we met" He will email me back and ask me about the girls and what they are up to, he will ask me to give my best to Darcy( cause i know he liked him better than me ... go figure?...lol) and i will ask him about his kids and his Christmas plans and maybe he will go home that night and he'll either be pleased i still keep in touch despite everything or he'll be reminded of what a crappy job he has sometimes, and unfortunatley he will probably awake the next day and receive another email from a crazy bereaved mom he used to have to "handle' and remember another anniversary of the "day they met"
Thinking of all my bereaved oncology parents. particularly this time of year as we face this with a different reality than most . if the other days of the year are difficult , Christmas and Birthdays are almost unbearable in many ways, sometimes almost wishing that we could just fall asleep until everyone was finished with the merriment , wake up again in the spring. We don't want to write Christmas cards but we don't want our child to be left off of the ones we receive , we want to attend the Christmas concerts but can't help but tear up at concerts past, we want to hang decorations , but can't bear to unwrap those homemade decorations from Kindergarten , we don't want to be downers but probably need uppers just to paint a smile on. It is a marginalizing time of year for bereaved parents , i am grateful to have a home , family and food to eat but i think sometimes this must feel what its like to be those set apart as "needy"or one of the "have nots " just in a different way.
So this is what i imagine for my kindered friends , our kids are singing and dancing and playing their instruments , having a party , older ones taking care of the younger ones , they are seated and honoured at a very special table having a feast and giggling and waiting for the day we are seated all together again.
To everyone else may you enjoy this time of year , not for the presents ,or all those unneccesary tasks you think you have to do ( you don't) or the hustle and bustle but for the challenge you can make yourself by celebrating, living and spending as comfortably and as simply and as peacefully as you can.
May God's comfort , peace, love and joy surround you always and prepare you for what life brings you.
Peace be with you,
Lori
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Can't Seem To Come Up With A Title
as looking at the date of my last blog and realized i hadn't written
in a while ..hence the mood i've been in lately i guess , always
looking for external circumstances and usually look up to the night sky
and blame it on the full moon, but i don't think there has been one
lately so i can only chalk it up to this time of year. If i were more
of a Black Friday shopper i could wrangle all this impending season has
to offer and head out for some retail therapy , but i'm not and somehow
goes against my new found peace in minimalist thinking , but oh how i
miss the little fix i get from purging through plastic.
That being said going to the gym , keeping busy, planning ,organizing,working really does nothing to ease this time time of year or somehow invade my preoccupation of re-living circumstances which took over our lives 4 years ago ...four years...blows me away , i think of the naivety we were living in these few short weeks prior to Dec 16 and long for oblivion we once lived in. I miss the days of my head buried in the sand where "bad things didn't happen to good people" and my faith went untested, which brings me to my point ... a few days ago a friend had told me that a friend of hers was reading my blog, i always get this wierd feeling when strangers read my blog , kinda like someone going through your garbage, my only hope is that they find something they can use amongst the dirt and mess. Anyways this person , maybe a non-believer , i don;'t know, said to friend " what does she say now about the last line in her opening blog (the preface")my friend politely said well she wrote it after Ashley passed away so i guess she still has faith. I actually had to go back to the opening blog to see what they were talking about ...the last line says something like " i knew at that moment who and what we needed , would he be willing to listen" Folks i have to make this as clear as possible because if you are struggling with how this can be possible let me tell you it was an all and out battle for me to get to this point . As you may have read i did not always grow up with faith and to tell you the truth i fought to hang on to whatever faith was during this whole ordeal, often trying anything and everything to find understanding in all this, i looked at healers, meditation , chinese herbalists, a buddhist monk , lights and crystals etc even mistankingly assuming Dr's were gods , THEY ARE NOT! , and should not have this burden placed upon them , as much as Ashley's Dr and i battled it out at times , never should i have placed the inordinate task or miracle worker on him. It is only through understanding that God answers all prayers but that sometimes the answer is "no " did i actually come to peace and realize that somehow some way this will all work out in the end if my faith stays faithful..it was only by grace i was allowed to have this feeliing ...that's all i can call it ...a feeling , a new feeling , one that replaced complete and utter despair and hopelessness. Faith is defined as "being sure of what we hoped for and certain of what we do not see" i am sure there are caveats in there ...we cannot assume our faith will assure us of winning the lottery or having our "wishes " granted...God is not our personal genie it is a belief that what we hoped for, will be, even if we cannot see it , however it has to somehow align with HIs will or purpose . So faith can go from asking God to cure my daughter , being assured he will, but being ok with it in whatever form that takes. Is she cured , free of pain , at peace .. i know it, i can't see it it , but i know it,it just didn't happen here on earth. There are so many unanswered questions and maybe it will stay like that no matter how much i search and build faith and i suppose i have to be content with that for now and like i've said before when push comes to shove and your faith is tested you better know where the hell you are going or what and who you're going to drop to your knees to and ask for strength, comfort peace ...and if you don't it wll hit you like a tonne of bricks ...do i think God or Jesus did this to test my faith , absolutely not , i believe in a more compassionate God than that, but do i believe there is evil in this world in the form of many things (cancer included) that put you to the test ...yes.... undoubtedly... then you take that faith mix it with compassion and pass it on to the next person who needs it. There is unfairness all around , close to home , far away .it's the corrupt world we live in FOR NOW ,it is not fair that a man who worked hard his whole life has recently passed and left his wife and son to bear his loss ,it is not fair that the young lady living with us was handed the cards she was dealt and never really experienced a loving family already dealing with lonliness at such a young age, or that a young boy from the high school was so depressed his only answer was seemingly suicide...tragic. That whole in your life... that empty feeling... can be filled, i guess we need to be careful of what we fill it with.
I must say that it is kind of an exciting year in our house, Christy is graduating this year and i am enjoying it , we missed out on all that when Ashley was sick . i so wanted to see her graduate and felt so ripped off when i was on the wrong side of the stage at her graduation(handing out her memorial scholarship) faith in knowing she is beyond earthly treasures but oh how i am soaking it up right now ..was exciting watching her get her grad photos , yes i went with her, photographer probs thought i was an idiot , but i held back the tears and was just so happy for this normal teenage moment ,Christy has crossed the threshold of Ashleys age when she passed so everything is so new ( attitudes included ) but i am loving it , she has her final payment for her trip to Greece so now its grad dress and luggage shopping ...plastic purging via christy ..yay!
Stefanny and Christy are working alongside each other in the fast food biz ...i won't even go into the details of how that plays out in this family , lets just say Christy has taken the role of older sister to a new level ..ugh! Somehow i believe it goes a little something like this ...Christy sweetly smiling and taking customer's order ...relaying it back to Stefanny and telling her to "get a move on"
Britt , my little Britt, who keeps us all grounded and giggling...received her art work in this years kids cancer calendar.. she is so proud...happy to have her BFF home from 9 days of holidays , loved their reunion big hugs , wrestling on the floor like 2 puppies and right back into the world of imagination ....love it, except that i can see them advancing to the next level , BOYS..ugh , still kind at that love hate thing but with this impending grade 5 dance i can hear all the snickers and giggling and " i need a new dress but i'd rather wear jeans " ...."oh girls stay young for just a little longer" , as far as i recall boys are yucky , pesty and nasty at that age ...but what do i know.
That being said going to the gym , keeping busy, planning ,organizing,working really does nothing to ease this time time of year or somehow invade my preoccupation of re-living circumstances which took over our lives 4 years ago ...four years...blows me away , i think of the naivety we were living in these few short weeks prior to Dec 16 and long for oblivion we once lived in. I miss the days of my head buried in the sand where "bad things didn't happen to good people" and my faith went untested, which brings me to my point ... a few days ago a friend had told me that a friend of hers was reading my blog, i always get this wierd feeling when strangers read my blog , kinda like someone going through your garbage, my only hope is that they find something they can use amongst the dirt and mess. Anyways this person , maybe a non-believer , i don;'t know, said to friend " what does she say now about the last line in her opening blog (the preface")my friend politely said well she wrote it after Ashley passed away so i guess she still has faith. I actually had to go back to the opening blog to see what they were talking about ...the last line says something like " i knew at that moment who and what we needed , would he be willing to listen" Folks i have to make this as clear as possible because if you are struggling with how this can be possible let me tell you it was an all and out battle for me to get to this point . As you may have read i did not always grow up with faith and to tell you the truth i fought to hang on to whatever faith was during this whole ordeal, often trying anything and everything to find understanding in all this, i looked at healers, meditation , chinese herbalists, a buddhist monk , lights and crystals etc even mistankingly assuming Dr's were gods , THEY ARE NOT! , and should not have this burden placed upon them , as much as Ashley's Dr and i battled it out at times , never should i have placed the inordinate task or miracle worker on him. It is only through understanding that God answers all prayers but that sometimes the answer is "no " did i actually come to peace and realize that somehow some way this will all work out in the end if my faith stays faithful..it was only by grace i was allowed to have this feeliing ...that's all i can call it ...a feeling , a new feeling , one that replaced complete and utter despair and hopelessness. Faith is defined as "being sure of what we hoped for and certain of what we do not see" i am sure there are caveats in there ...we cannot assume our faith will assure us of winning the lottery or having our "wishes " granted...God is not our personal genie it is a belief that what we hoped for, will be, even if we cannot see it , however it has to somehow align with HIs will or purpose . So faith can go from asking God to cure my daughter , being assured he will, but being ok with it in whatever form that takes. Is she cured , free of pain , at peace .. i know it, i can't see it it , but i know it,it just didn't happen here on earth. There are so many unanswered questions and maybe it will stay like that no matter how much i search and build faith and i suppose i have to be content with that for now and like i've said before when push comes to shove and your faith is tested you better know where the hell you are going or what and who you're going to drop to your knees to and ask for strength, comfort peace ...and if you don't it wll hit you like a tonne of bricks ...do i think God or Jesus did this to test my faith , absolutely not , i believe in a more compassionate God than that, but do i believe there is evil in this world in the form of many things (cancer included) that put you to the test ...yes.... undoubtedly... then you take that faith mix it with compassion and pass it on to the next person who needs it. There is unfairness all around , close to home , far away .it's the corrupt world we live in FOR NOW ,it is not fair that a man who worked hard his whole life has recently passed and left his wife and son to bear his loss ,it is not fair that the young lady living with us was handed the cards she was dealt and never really experienced a loving family already dealing with lonliness at such a young age, or that a young boy from the high school was so depressed his only answer was seemingly suicide...tragic. That whole in your life... that empty feeling... can be filled, i guess we need to be careful of what we fill it with.
I must say that it is kind of an exciting year in our house, Christy is graduating this year and i am enjoying it , we missed out on all that when Ashley was sick . i so wanted to see her graduate and felt so ripped off when i was on the wrong side of the stage at her graduation(handing out her memorial scholarship) faith in knowing she is beyond earthly treasures but oh how i am soaking it up right now ..was exciting watching her get her grad photos , yes i went with her, photographer probs thought i was an idiot , but i held back the tears and was just so happy for this normal teenage moment ,Christy has crossed the threshold of Ashleys age when she passed so everything is so new ( attitudes included ) but i am loving it , she has her final payment for her trip to Greece so now its grad dress and luggage shopping ...plastic purging via christy ..yay!
Stefanny and Christy are working alongside each other in the fast food biz ...i won't even go into the details of how that plays out in this family , lets just say Christy has taken the role of older sister to a new level ..ugh! Somehow i believe it goes a little something like this ...Christy sweetly smiling and taking customer's order ...relaying it back to Stefanny and telling her to "get a move on"
Britt , my little Britt, who keeps us all grounded and giggling...received her art work in this years kids cancer calendar.. she is so proud...happy to have her BFF home from 9 days of holidays , loved their reunion big hugs , wrestling on the floor like 2 puppies and right back into the world of imagination ....love it, except that i can see them advancing to the next level , BOYS..ugh , still kind at that love hate thing but with this impending grade 5 dance i can hear all the snickers and giggling and " i need a new dress but i'd rather wear jeans " ...."oh girls stay young for just a little longer" , as far as i recall boys are yucky , pesty and nasty at that age ...but what do i know.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Venturing
Okay, one career i know i would never want to pursue is that of a harbour master, especially on an August long weekend/week, it is similar to watching or understanding the logistics of trading at the NYSE or managing crowd control at a Beatles concert (ok well back in the day)Thank God my husband speaks the language and in his own way somehow translates it for me as we are approaching breaakwaters and dock fingers , giving me just enough time to jump on the bow of the boat and lead us into dockspace which usually requires moving boats aside with various parts of my body. This was to be Stormy Dawn's maiden voyage and my intent was to chronicle the adventure along the way, but limited service and long navigating days left little time for story writing.
It was quite a feat just getting to Desolation Sound/Lund Harbour basically it requires packing up everything you own including 2 vehicles 2 rv's and just enough room for the "just in case Mastercard." Darcy's truck, a little finicky... lets just say he's the only one who knows how much you can set the emergency brake , when we sent the truck and trailer up by barge one of his well meaning coworkers set the brake to its full capacity which resulted in smoking brakes by the time we got to the marina, mechanical issues and we're not even there yet...day 1.
The next day we put the boat in the water and off we went with full intentions of circling the Copeland and Discovery islands ...10 minutes and we were back in harbour , stupid boat, i couldn't help but feel terrible for Darcy all the blood sweat and tears that went into this boat over the last couple of months and my newly practiced skill of patience felt useless now. So you would think that boat mechanics would be happy to see you considering the barrell they can have you over on an August long weekend, i swear i saw dollar signs in their corneas as we slither into their boat garage praying our boat doesn't end up in the graveyard of unfixables. After 3 "way too busy's" we finally found a mechanic in town and really what im sure Dacy wanted to say was " just let me have your shop for an hour, i don't need you" yeah that would be like saying "just give me your wife for an hour , i promise i wont wreck anything" ...i think there was a moment he was contimplating a trade there as i became frustrated with my vacation hours slipping away from me. Cha ching a few hours later and were outta there and back on the water.
The girl's only destination desire was Savory island for photo ops of eachother in white bikinis against a backdrop of white sand beaches and turquoise waters. Well they were going to have to work for it this year , this new( to us) boat is a little bigger and little deeper V and unable to shore up, over board they go and swim to shore ( there are no public docks ) we discovered Mystery reef , no mystery if you have a depth sounder , water goes from 480 ft to 8 ft of water in a split second...YIKES!
Next day we were off to Hernandez Island and Cortes Island , named after Spansih exlporer Hernando Cortes in the 1800's. We made it to Squirrel cove on Cortes, beautiful , remote, quaint, rocky bluffs and a great little restaurant right on the water, the best cold watermelon soup and beet salad and shirley temples (as far as Brittanny was concerned). Something very crass about being a family of five and being seated at a table with 6 chairs , instant reminder of something , someone missing.
We skipped Hernando Island when we found out that it is a private Island where tourists are greeted by shotguns, no thanks , my adventurism isn't that needy. Time for the kids to catch their dinner ...off to the island of Major rock where we lowered our prawn and crab traps, 5 dozen prawns over a couple days and one sad little crab , sunset, wine ...sounds like dinner for 2 , sorry kids hotdogs for you (jk they dont like seafood...thank goodness) Ahhh the sunsets, the colour of coral everynight , and everynight we'd hear Darcy enlighten us with his "red sky at night sailors delight ...balh blah blah , toward the end of the trip he would just mumble it to himself ...too many eyerolls i guess. Campground was quiet , various people that camped next to us only seemed to stay one night and then be off...hmm could the bickering of my children possibly have anything to do with it ...way to go kids , i knew that would come in handy. Chocolate cheerios for breakfast and smores before bed will do that. Hey chocolate cheerios, just in case you are judging me is a once a year camping treat and allows Darcy and i to slip away for cinnamon buns and something other than camp coffee at the little marina bakery.
Over the next few days we spotted sea lions and even a dolphin and shellfish galore at Okeover Arm, however, it was red tide and i wasn't going to take the chance of getting sick , apparently the shellfish don't mind us though , bit on the foot by a baby crab, good thing he swam fast or i woulda cooked him up for the hell of it. If you're into kayaking this is the place.
We were able to celebrate our anniversary 22 years (30 years together) and Britt's bday at our favourite little restaurant at the marina. We gave Brittanny decorative little doggy bags, they cost a buck at the dollar store, however, i have never seen a kid more happy in all my life , she knew what it meant, she was finally getting the dog she had been begging for for months, promising us the moon and the stars, its been 2 years since we put Sophy down and i guess the timing was right. Time flew by and bittersweet as it was it was time to pack and leave for the 2 ferry ride home and , you know the journey home almost went smooth,but hey smooth just never seems to be our motto and it seems to hit at the most inopportune time , 30 minutes before our final ferry ride home ,getting into our boarding lane and something snaps on the boat trailer ..."You've got to be kidding me!" Don't ask me really what happened , my brain shuts off when people (Darcy) get talking mechanical crap, all i know is that people are wonderful, within seconds of seeing Darcy under the trailer frantically trying to fix the brokenness we must have had 6 guys and even a couple women offering assitance, whatever they did and despite the several theories of how to fix it , it got done , Darcy with a gash on his head and mickey mousing whatever was wrong we made it on the ferry,probably never to see these people again but knowing we had a pay it forward debt to repay. Darcy looked for them on the ferry but none of them seemed to be there , crap , hope they didn't lose their place in line and get bumped off. Wasn't sitting well with Darcy so he had the ferry announcer guy send out a big thank you from us, maybe they were just tansient angels , but whoever they were...again we are blessed.
Home Sweet home and yes an extra member ...Emma... would you believe a Yorkshire terrier , similar to Sophy, rather ghostly watching Brittanny (so similar to Ash) but a sight for sore grieivng eyes. Home, but thinking a proper anniversary boat excursion minus the mayhem (and kids) is in order very soon...kind of a vacation from the vacation....all in all it was another adventure.
P.S. did I mention the butterflies? Abundant and exotic and always closeby
Peace
Lori
It was quite a feat just getting to Desolation Sound/Lund Harbour basically it requires packing up everything you own including 2 vehicles 2 rv's and just enough room for the "just in case Mastercard." Darcy's truck, a little finicky... lets just say he's the only one who knows how much you can set the emergency brake , when we sent the truck and trailer up by barge one of his well meaning coworkers set the brake to its full capacity which resulted in smoking brakes by the time we got to the marina, mechanical issues and we're not even there yet...day 1.
The next day we put the boat in the water and off we went with full intentions of circling the Copeland and Discovery islands ...10 minutes and we were back in harbour , stupid boat, i couldn't help but feel terrible for Darcy all the blood sweat and tears that went into this boat over the last couple of months and my newly practiced skill of patience felt useless now. So you would think that boat mechanics would be happy to see you considering the barrell they can have you over on an August long weekend, i swear i saw dollar signs in their corneas as we slither into their boat garage praying our boat doesn't end up in the graveyard of unfixables. After 3 "way too busy's" we finally found a mechanic in town and really what im sure Dacy wanted to say was " just let me have your shop for an hour, i don't need you" yeah that would be like saying "just give me your wife for an hour , i promise i wont wreck anything" ...i think there was a moment he was contimplating a trade there as i became frustrated with my vacation hours slipping away from me. Cha ching a few hours later and were outta there and back on the water.
The girl's only destination desire was Savory island for photo ops of eachother in white bikinis against a backdrop of white sand beaches and turquoise waters. Well they were going to have to work for it this year , this new( to us) boat is a little bigger and little deeper V and unable to shore up, over board they go and swim to shore ( there are no public docks ) we discovered Mystery reef , no mystery if you have a depth sounder , water goes from 480 ft to 8 ft of water in a split second...YIKES!
Next day we were off to Hernandez Island and Cortes Island , named after Spansih exlporer Hernando Cortes in the 1800's. We made it to Squirrel cove on Cortes, beautiful , remote, quaint, rocky bluffs and a great little restaurant right on the water, the best cold watermelon soup and beet salad and shirley temples (as far as Brittanny was concerned). Something very crass about being a family of five and being seated at a table with 6 chairs , instant reminder of something , someone missing.
We skipped Hernando Island when we found out that it is a private Island where tourists are greeted by shotguns, no thanks , my adventurism isn't that needy. Time for the kids to catch their dinner ...off to the island of Major rock where we lowered our prawn and crab traps, 5 dozen prawns over a couple days and one sad little crab , sunset, wine ...sounds like dinner for 2 , sorry kids hotdogs for you (jk they dont like seafood...thank goodness) Ahhh the sunsets, the colour of coral everynight , and everynight we'd hear Darcy enlighten us with his "red sky at night sailors delight ...balh blah blah , toward the end of the trip he would just mumble it to himself ...too many eyerolls i guess. Campground was quiet , various people that camped next to us only seemed to stay one night and then be off...hmm could the bickering of my children possibly have anything to do with it ...way to go kids , i knew that would come in handy. Chocolate cheerios for breakfast and smores before bed will do that. Hey chocolate cheerios, just in case you are judging me is a once a year camping treat and allows Darcy and i to slip away for cinnamon buns and something other than camp coffee at the little marina bakery.
Over the next few days we spotted sea lions and even a dolphin and shellfish galore at Okeover Arm, however, it was red tide and i wasn't going to take the chance of getting sick , apparently the shellfish don't mind us though , bit on the foot by a baby crab, good thing he swam fast or i woulda cooked him up for the hell of it. If you're into kayaking this is the place.
We were able to celebrate our anniversary 22 years (30 years together) and Britt's bday at our favourite little restaurant at the marina. We gave Brittanny decorative little doggy bags, they cost a buck at the dollar store, however, i have never seen a kid more happy in all my life , she knew what it meant, she was finally getting the dog she had been begging for for months, promising us the moon and the stars, its been 2 years since we put Sophy down and i guess the timing was right. Time flew by and bittersweet as it was it was time to pack and leave for the 2 ferry ride home and , you know the journey home almost went smooth,but hey smooth just never seems to be our motto and it seems to hit at the most inopportune time , 30 minutes before our final ferry ride home ,getting into our boarding lane and something snaps on the boat trailer ..."You've got to be kidding me!" Don't ask me really what happened , my brain shuts off when people (Darcy) get talking mechanical crap, all i know is that people are wonderful, within seconds of seeing Darcy under the trailer frantically trying to fix the brokenness we must have had 6 guys and even a couple women offering assitance, whatever they did and despite the several theories of how to fix it , it got done , Darcy with a gash on his head and mickey mousing whatever was wrong we made it on the ferry,probably never to see these people again but knowing we had a pay it forward debt to repay. Darcy looked for them on the ferry but none of them seemed to be there , crap , hope they didn't lose their place in line and get bumped off. Wasn't sitting well with Darcy so he had the ferry announcer guy send out a big thank you from us, maybe they were just tansient angels , but whoever they were...again we are blessed.
Home Sweet home and yes an extra member ...Emma... would you believe a Yorkshire terrier , similar to Sophy, rather ghostly watching Brittanny (so similar to Ash) but a sight for sore grieivng eyes. Home, but thinking a proper anniversary boat excursion minus the mayhem (and kids) is in order very soon...kind of a vacation from the vacation....all in all it was another adventure.
P.S. did I mention the butterflies? Abundant and exotic and always closeby
Peace
Lori
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Happy 19th Ash
Happy 19th Birthday Ashley,
I can't believe you would have been 19 today.
It is raining this morning and i don't think it has rained once on your birthday since the day you were born,actually it was a summer storm, one that broke into a beautiful just after sunrise (hence your stormy dawn name). i'm not sure how you would have celebrated today but something tells me it wouldn't have been in the normal "19 year old" fashion or maybe i'm just naive and think of you still at 16...life in its normal way kinda stopped for you then , not that you stopped maturing in fact i think that's when you became the wise old soul that i cherish. I wouldn't be human if i didn't wish you were here right now , but in my heart of hearts i know how unfair that would be, because i suspect by now you have found your way home and pitty us poor souls who live in this wandering world , lost and confused.
We raised butterflies again this year , however, many of them didn't make it, they are in a beautiful atrium and as i went to feed one yesterday, it got away , i found it a few minutes later and struggled with what to do with it, i caught it and placed it back into the atrium until today , i know that you would have told me to set it free regardless of it being a day too early, i suppose that human part of me just wanted to hang on a little longer, i'm sorry its just not that easy to let her go(did i say her?) i guess i just want to keep it safe where i can watch over it, but today they will all be free and i imagine they will all eventually find their way home , their time here on earth is short but long enough to bring joy to those they bless with their beauty. We will be surrounded by family and friends today and we will remember birthdays past , your 1st , your 5th , your 10th , your 13th , and finally your 16th , they are a klaidescope in my mind of blown out candles, brand new shiny bicycles, warm sunny days,children's laughter and slumber parties and your dad's silly antics and puppies and horseback rides into the sunset and butterflies... always seems to be a butterfly, somewhere. Those memories hold such salty tears as they pass by my mouth to form puddles on the ground big enough to see reflections in them, the kind that change colours like a klaidescope.I'm going to work in your garden now,make a temporaryy home for your butterflies (kinda like how i'd clean your room before your party) i know it's raining but maybe they are tears of joy and splendor from heaven for a time we will all be together again. Happy Birthday baby girl
I can't believe you would have been 19 today.
It is raining this morning and i don't think it has rained once on your birthday since the day you were born,actually it was a summer storm, one that broke into a beautiful just after sunrise (hence your stormy dawn name). i'm not sure how you would have celebrated today but something tells me it wouldn't have been in the normal "19 year old" fashion or maybe i'm just naive and think of you still at 16...life in its normal way kinda stopped for you then , not that you stopped maturing in fact i think that's when you became the wise old soul that i cherish. I wouldn't be human if i didn't wish you were here right now , but in my heart of hearts i know how unfair that would be, because i suspect by now you have found your way home and pitty us poor souls who live in this wandering world , lost and confused.
We raised butterflies again this year , however, many of them didn't make it, they are in a beautiful atrium and as i went to feed one yesterday, it got away , i found it a few minutes later and struggled with what to do with it, i caught it and placed it back into the atrium until today , i know that you would have told me to set it free regardless of it being a day too early, i suppose that human part of me just wanted to hang on a little longer, i'm sorry its just not that easy to let her go(did i say her?) i guess i just want to keep it safe where i can watch over it, but today they will all be free and i imagine they will all eventually find their way home , their time here on earth is short but long enough to bring joy to those they bless with their beauty. We will be surrounded by family and friends today and we will remember birthdays past , your 1st , your 5th , your 10th , your 13th , and finally your 16th , they are a klaidescope in my mind of blown out candles, brand new shiny bicycles, warm sunny days,children's laughter and slumber parties and your dad's silly antics and puppies and horseback rides into the sunset and butterflies... always seems to be a butterfly, somewhere. Those memories hold such salty tears as they pass by my mouth to form puddles on the ground big enough to see reflections in them, the kind that change colours like a klaidescope.I'm going to work in your garden now,make a temporaryy home for your butterflies (kinda like how i'd clean your room before your party) i know it's raining but maybe they are tears of joy and splendor from heaven for a time we will all be together again. Happy Birthday baby girl
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Childrun 2011
Just a quick note tonight to send out great big thank you's to our Ashleys Journey run team and our amazing supporters and donors, many of which we have never met.
We were up at 6 this morning to get to the new location of this year's Childrun, which was relocated a few blocks from BCCH due to the construction of the new hospital(Yippee)
Things went very smoothly considering parking was a nightmare, hence leaving at 6 because of my over(anal)organized hubby.The whole gang was there and my sister and her girls were newcomers this year,having to travel from Bowen Island,as well my brother in law , thank you all for coming, out team is growing every year. The day was beautiful , couldn't ask for a better day and of course running or beating times was not the objective, we walked and laughed and shed a few tears but all in all it was a nice day, we are so blessed.
I want to give a sweet thank you to all my little neices who got up in front of their classes and gave speeches and accounts of their understanding of what the run meant to them,and what their cousin had to go through. I love to hear the outcomes of the stories of their schoolmates bringing in their piggybanks and the compassion their great big hearts pour out. Thank you to all the parents who heard the story, encouraged their children ...you have probably taught them more than they will ever learn in a classroom.
To all our faithful supporters, you continue to make us grateful we have such wonderful people in our life. I would love to share more of our day with you but although it was only 5k i'm exhausted, emotionally draining day as it is also miracle weekend and we are so vividly reminded of those still fighting, so again, thank you on behalf of them as well.
Thank You Ashleys Journey run team, supporters, donors, family and friends.
Much Peace and Love
Lori
We were up at 6 this morning to get to the new location of this year's Childrun, which was relocated a few blocks from BCCH due to the construction of the new hospital(Yippee)
Things went very smoothly considering parking was a nightmare, hence leaving at 6 because of my over(anal)organized hubby.The whole gang was there and my sister and her girls were newcomers this year,having to travel from Bowen Island,as well my brother in law , thank you all for coming, out team is growing every year. The day was beautiful , couldn't ask for a better day and of course running or beating times was not the objective, we walked and laughed and shed a few tears but all in all it was a nice day, we are so blessed.
I want to give a sweet thank you to all my little neices who got up in front of their classes and gave speeches and accounts of their understanding of what the run meant to them,and what their cousin had to go through. I love to hear the outcomes of the stories of their schoolmates bringing in their piggybanks and the compassion their great big hearts pour out. Thank you to all the parents who heard the story, encouraged their children ...you have probably taught them more than they will ever learn in a classroom.
To all our faithful supporters, you continue to make us grateful we have such wonderful people in our life. I would love to share more of our day with you but although it was only 5k i'm exhausted, emotionally draining day as it is also miracle weekend and we are so vividly reminded of those still fighting, so again, thank you on behalf of them as well.
Thank You Ashleys Journey run team, supporters, donors, family and friends.
Much Peace and Love
Lori
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Spring
Ahhh my first weekday off in i don't know how long and i sit here listening to the rain pound down as if it were late October, wondering where spring is, i know it is midway through May and my calendar reminds me of my insane weeks ahead but for some reason i am still stuck in drearyland , i blame it on the weather, must be that change of season thing i don't do very well at anymore, some sunshine would help.
Have to say as hard as it was getting rid of my van i am enjoying my new vehicle, despite the fact that i haven't been able to use the sunroof( as outlined above) but i am appreciating complimentary Sirius radio... for probably a limited amount of time ...but i tell you when i am having a bad day that spa station eases my stress and makes the drive a little more bearable (where was this during hospital season) sometimes its not even the song itself its the title of the song , it always seems to fit the feeling, like a little message or mini sermon or counselling session( wow i'm a wack a doodle) Last Saturday we sported our "Ashley team" tshirts gathered our group and set out in 3 vehicles to BCCH, i said a little prayer for the day that was upon us and as i looked down at the radio screen the song title playing on my spa station was "healing" how utterly perfect....Anyways , a great big thank you to Baillie , Ashley's bff, she shaved her head this past weekend at the annual Balding for Dollars event at BCCH raising well over $1300.00 for children and families fighting childhood cancer, by the way she looks beautiful and it kinda suits her , blends well with her piercings etc, again it was one of those rainy days that seemed to clear up especially for the event , like the heavens were singing down upon us. Baillie came well prepared with an entourage of support, we were very proud of her not just for shaving her head but for truly remembering Ashley and honouring her fight , i know she will be asked about it for weeks to come and she will share her very special story of she and Ashleys friendship. Thank you Baillie.Have to say it was a bitttersweet day as most of these events usually are, smiling and tearing up at the same time, there is no avoiding her medical team at these events , sorry if that sounds cold, i have a special place in my heart for them but they are the "in your face " reminders of a very cruel time, in their embrace i feel their sorrow and in their face i see how they've aged in a world that is far too indiscriminant. I saw families that were still fighting and ones that seemed to be missing someone , (no explanation needed). We avoided t.v. and radio stuff and decided just to be there to celebrate the fight Of Ashley and so many others who have to wear their disease so visually. Thank you to Baillie's family for supporting such an awesome kid and for stepping into this world with us for a while. The day ended nicely with friends making us dinner and watching the hockey game which i have recently been far more amused by watching the people watch the game then i have the actual game , we are silly creatures.
If you are wondering what to do with all your surplus of cash may i gently suggest our upcoming fundraisers , we have put together a team for the run this year , lol..i think it s always so funny when i say the word run , i actually mean stroll, some in no mental shape to be running from celebrartory bbq's the night before but hey if it means more donations i'll give it a go. This is our 4th annual run and i just want to thank you for all your previous support and prayers , the cost of this disease is ridiculous and every little bit helps , you'd be surprised to hear the staggering costs of how much it costs just to write a grant for trial medications , i digress and save you the shock factor , but please know that although many of you will never have to face it ( childhood cancer) those that do need every penny.
Darcy's industry golf tournament is just around the corner, another sport i have to fake , we should really consider a ski fundraisier or wine tasting fundraiser ...(hhmmm mental note to Lori) we are very pleased to announce that funds will be going to BCCCPA (in Ashleys name) this year to assist families struggling financially with the demands of fighting childhood cancer, i'm sure you've heard my stories of families that have been completely wiped out due to the financial burden ..."no our medical system foes NOT cover everything and NO E.I does not take pity for more than 6 weeks for families who have to leave their job" so a cause that is definitely worth fighting for, again i pray none of you ever have to deal with this first hand.
Fundraising and all that year end stuff including Ashley's scholarship selection and presentation , dance competitions, Darcy getting the boat ready for summer ( yikes poor wallet) etc i am looking forward to the sunny days ahead. May sunshine and peace fall upon you all. on these dreary days. A new season is upon us. God Bless.
Peace,
Lori
P.S.
Thank you to Ashleys school for choosing their recent fundraiser and honouring it in her name , funny how sometimes you don't see how far reaching things are , how random, i found out so uneventfully that they chose this cause after hearing one of Ashleys doctors speak about her at a Kiwanis meeting, feels like the definition of whisper or a breeze.
Anyone seen "rabbit Hole " yet planning to watch it with a box of kleenex and kindered friends, the trailers look a bit familiar , think im in for a "My Sisters Keeper" kind of relatable movie
Have to say as hard as it was getting rid of my van i am enjoying my new vehicle, despite the fact that i haven't been able to use the sunroof( as outlined above) but i am appreciating complimentary Sirius radio... for probably a limited amount of time ...but i tell you when i am having a bad day that spa station eases my stress and makes the drive a little more bearable (where was this during hospital season) sometimes its not even the song itself its the title of the song , it always seems to fit the feeling, like a little message or mini sermon or counselling session( wow i'm a wack a doodle) Last Saturday we sported our "Ashley team" tshirts gathered our group and set out in 3 vehicles to BCCH, i said a little prayer for the day that was upon us and as i looked down at the radio screen the song title playing on my spa station was "healing" how utterly perfect....Anyways , a great big thank you to Baillie , Ashley's bff, she shaved her head this past weekend at the annual Balding for Dollars event at BCCH raising well over $1300.00 for children and families fighting childhood cancer, by the way she looks beautiful and it kinda suits her , blends well with her piercings etc, again it was one of those rainy days that seemed to clear up especially for the event , like the heavens were singing down upon us. Baillie came well prepared with an entourage of support, we were very proud of her not just for shaving her head but for truly remembering Ashley and honouring her fight , i know she will be asked about it for weeks to come and she will share her very special story of she and Ashleys friendship. Thank you Baillie.Have to say it was a bitttersweet day as most of these events usually are, smiling and tearing up at the same time, there is no avoiding her medical team at these events , sorry if that sounds cold, i have a special place in my heart for them but they are the "in your face " reminders of a very cruel time, in their embrace i feel their sorrow and in their face i see how they've aged in a world that is far too indiscriminant. I saw families that were still fighting and ones that seemed to be missing someone , (no explanation needed). We avoided t.v. and radio stuff and decided just to be there to celebrate the fight Of Ashley and so many others who have to wear their disease so visually. Thank you to Baillie's family for supporting such an awesome kid and for stepping into this world with us for a while. The day ended nicely with friends making us dinner and watching the hockey game which i have recently been far more amused by watching the people watch the game then i have the actual game , we are silly creatures.
If you are wondering what to do with all your surplus of cash may i gently suggest our upcoming fundraisers , we have put together a team for the run this year , lol..i think it s always so funny when i say the word run , i actually mean stroll, some in no mental shape to be running from celebrartory bbq's the night before but hey if it means more donations i'll give it a go. This is our 4th annual run and i just want to thank you for all your previous support and prayers , the cost of this disease is ridiculous and every little bit helps , you'd be surprised to hear the staggering costs of how much it costs just to write a grant for trial medications , i digress and save you the shock factor , but please know that although many of you will never have to face it ( childhood cancer) those that do need every penny.
Darcy's industry golf tournament is just around the corner, another sport i have to fake , we should really consider a ski fundraisier or wine tasting fundraiser ...(hhmmm mental note to Lori) we are very pleased to announce that funds will be going to BCCCPA (in Ashleys name) this year to assist families struggling financially with the demands of fighting childhood cancer, i'm sure you've heard my stories of families that have been completely wiped out due to the financial burden ..."no our medical system foes NOT cover everything and NO E.I does not take pity for more than 6 weeks for families who have to leave their job" so a cause that is definitely worth fighting for, again i pray none of you ever have to deal with this first hand.
Fundraising and all that year end stuff including Ashley's scholarship selection and presentation , dance competitions, Darcy getting the boat ready for summer ( yikes poor wallet) etc i am looking forward to the sunny days ahead. May sunshine and peace fall upon you all. on these dreary days. A new season is upon us. God Bless.
Peace,
Lori
P.S.
Thank you to Ashleys school for choosing their recent fundraiser and honouring it in her name , funny how sometimes you don't see how far reaching things are , how random, i found out so uneventfully that they chose this cause after hearing one of Ashleys doctors speak about her at a Kiwanis meeting, feels like the definition of whisper or a breeze.
Anyone seen "rabbit Hole " yet planning to watch it with a box of kleenex and kindered friends, the trailers look a bit familiar , think im in for a "My Sisters Keeper" kind of relatable movie
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Stumbling Through This Week
Stumbling Through This Week
It's late on February 12 2011 as i begin this note , i have so much tied to this day as it stands out as another one of those markers that are burned into my memory at such a cellular level that it may take minutes to finish this blog or it may take days.
I know many of you are aware that we are facing the upcoming 2 year mark of Ashleys passing from this world on the 16th, but as i recall the days prior, it is the 12th that leaps out to me as lost hope for what we had placed our faith into ,which was a miracle a cure a healing here on earth.
Early that morning Ashley had been complaining of pain in her ribs,i knew it was not a good sign but thought that maybe these last couple months of the "try it and see drugs " and the fact we had moved her care closer to home may have meant this was some kinda wierd healing pain. That was not so.
As the Dr. called us into the meeting room, which eerily resembled the one at Childrens he was seated next to a social worker, between their body language , looks on their faces, and my own well seasoned knowledge of this set up, i knew, but the news of "i'm sorry there's nothing more we can do" still threw me for a shock, next came questions like how long ? etc. etc, questions that are so unnatural for a parent to ask about their own child. I sat with the social worker for what felt like an eternity, how i had only known her for such a short time but here i was purging my soul ache to her, she was good at her job , never offered one piece of advice just listened to the sound of pain and fought back her own tears. The Dr. told us we may have several weeks, maybe months , never did i imagine that 4 days later she would close her eyes and enter sleep in heavenly peace. I didn't get the chance to ask her questions about her final wishes , it was a subject i would have let her leave hints for as time drew closer but that time never presented an opportunity , maybe it wasn't supposed to.
We therefore stumble through special dates only hoping we are doing what she would have wanted. This year we have decided to " lay low" for some reason this year seems a bit tougher than last year ,so much for time healing all wounds (pphh). Last year we invited those who wanted to participate in a balloon release and bible reading at the placement of her grave marker, followed by a gathering at our home. This year seems different and feels as if we just need to find ways to spend some quiet time, we have some ideas on how to honour Ashley and her interests, but feel we need to tread softly, a day of reverance i suppose. Maybe each year will be something different , who knows. There are many events and public ways we are involved in our journey throughout the year but this is one day we have decided to keep sacred. We will always continue to release balloons because it was something we did every year for fun anyways , i invite anyone who would like to find a way to remember Ashley to find a nice patch of sky wherever you are and send a balloon into the heavens and let her know you're thinking of her, or a random act of kindness,or send us an email , let us know how things are with you and yours, do you do anything different now? is your family any different now ? Do you hug your kids a little tighter? Funny cause i guess when your child leaves this earth, you want to know that it wasn't in vain, that their legacy continues to live on. When your child dies of a disease you can fundraise and raise awareness all you want but there isn't always something that changes , like in the case of getting laws passed or new inititatives because of the circumstance in how they died, so hearing the smallest thing about how your child made a difference ...means she made a difference... she shared and taught her faith in God and had a beautiful spirit ..this i know.
It will be a tough week if we appear like zombies, were not quite, feeling a little depleted like my body hasn't had vegetables or fruit or water or something., maybe just an empty feeling . I am confident that through prayers, faith and the grace of God we will continue to heal , we thank you for your genuine concern , your thoughts and prayers, we are blessed.
Peace,
Lori
It's late on February 12 2011 as i begin this note , i have so much tied to this day as it stands out as another one of those markers that are burned into my memory at such a cellular level that it may take minutes to finish this blog or it may take days.
I know many of you are aware that we are facing the upcoming 2 year mark of Ashleys passing from this world on the 16th, but as i recall the days prior, it is the 12th that leaps out to me as lost hope for what we had placed our faith into ,which was a miracle a cure a healing here on earth.
Early that morning Ashley had been complaining of pain in her ribs,i knew it was not a good sign but thought that maybe these last couple months of the "try it and see drugs " and the fact we had moved her care closer to home may have meant this was some kinda wierd healing pain. That was not so.
As the Dr. called us into the meeting room, which eerily resembled the one at Childrens he was seated next to a social worker, between their body language , looks on their faces, and my own well seasoned knowledge of this set up, i knew, but the news of "i'm sorry there's nothing more we can do" still threw me for a shock, next came questions like how long ? etc. etc, questions that are so unnatural for a parent to ask about their own child. I sat with the social worker for what felt like an eternity, how i had only known her for such a short time but here i was purging my soul ache to her, she was good at her job , never offered one piece of advice just listened to the sound of pain and fought back her own tears. The Dr. told us we may have several weeks, maybe months , never did i imagine that 4 days later she would close her eyes and enter sleep in heavenly peace. I didn't get the chance to ask her questions about her final wishes , it was a subject i would have let her leave hints for as time drew closer but that time never presented an opportunity , maybe it wasn't supposed to.
We therefore stumble through special dates only hoping we are doing what she would have wanted. This year we have decided to " lay low" for some reason this year seems a bit tougher than last year ,so much for time healing all wounds (pphh). Last year we invited those who wanted to participate in a balloon release and bible reading at the placement of her grave marker, followed by a gathering at our home. This year seems different and feels as if we just need to find ways to spend some quiet time, we have some ideas on how to honour Ashley and her interests, but feel we need to tread softly, a day of reverance i suppose. Maybe each year will be something different , who knows. There are many events and public ways we are involved in our journey throughout the year but this is one day we have decided to keep sacred. We will always continue to release balloons because it was something we did every year for fun anyways , i invite anyone who would like to find a way to remember Ashley to find a nice patch of sky wherever you are and send a balloon into the heavens and let her know you're thinking of her, or a random act of kindness,or send us an email , let us know how things are with you and yours, do you do anything different now? is your family any different now ? Do you hug your kids a little tighter? Funny cause i guess when your child leaves this earth, you want to know that it wasn't in vain, that their legacy continues to live on. When your child dies of a disease you can fundraise and raise awareness all you want but there isn't always something that changes , like in the case of getting laws passed or new inititatives because of the circumstance in how they died, so hearing the smallest thing about how your child made a difference ...means she made a difference... she shared and taught her faith in God and had a beautiful spirit ..this i know.
It will be a tough week if we appear like zombies, were not quite, feeling a little depleted like my body hasn't had vegetables or fruit or water or something., maybe just an empty feeling . I am confident that through prayers, faith and the grace of God we will continue to heal , we thank you for your genuine concern , your thoughts and prayers, we are blessed.
Peace,
Lori
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Resolutions
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans
Well a couple weeks into a new year and trying not to fall into that resolution trap, at least not without caveats. I don't really recognize Jan 1 as a new year anymore, well not spiritually anyways , think i have set aside a new date for that, realizing that there really is always a time to transform the mind and heart at any stage. My opening statement always cracks me up because it gives a mental picture of how silly us humans envision our life , like we have complete control and say over the events that happen to us, when really we only have control over how we respond to them. I used to be 5 year planner kinda person now i rarely plan 5 minutes ahead, not to say there is anything wrong with goals and making sure you book prime time off of work for summer and winter holidays but that's still only an "if"... always purchase cancellation insurance both financially and emotionally.
Speaking of winter holidays , have to say that Christmas was not all that bad, not great , not painless but not too bad. Promised myself i would not over book anything and not require too much of ourselves during the holidays but still found myself busy ...yuck...did manage to keep to my promise that i wouldn't do anything too obligatory like decorations, baking and sending out Christmas cards, thank you for understanding, i'm sure you weren't sitting at your mailbox pining away for one from us but thank you for the ones you sent, not even going to rant this year about Christmas form letters , just giggle silently to myself ,ooops did i say that out loud? Darcy and i were able to get away to the sunshine coast for a couple days prior to our Christmas week ski trip and after he finished his navigation boating course , can't just take the mindless one on the computer has to learn everything and anything, charts , maps etc so think a sailboat may be slipping into our future, not sure hows he's going to pull skiiers and tubes now but he has sometime to figure that out, a nice distraction. Skiing was amazing ,stayed at a different place this year that seemed to have all the comforts of home including a kitchen (yuk) but Darcy had cooked his famous lasgana etc prior to going, that, a bottle of baileys, and we ate (and drank) well, weather was amazing and kids rarely fought , i got my Christmas gift this year. To tell you the truth we didnt even realize it was Christmas day until about 4:00 when we came off the mountain to get ready to go to dinner.
New Years was spent quietly with the girls having some friends over for Chrity's bday watching movies that were not properly rated and so began my quiet contimplation of New Years resolutions avec caveats. I won't go into detail but will say that i'm failing miserably , just ask the poor telemarketer who just phoned on my only day off this week...urgh!!!So, i guess try to eat healthier this year, no more skipping meals. l'st year was difficult cause it was back to cooking after having spent a year indulging on all the yummy food you stalked us up with , i should probably be asking for some of those recipes.Yes, be kinder to others , give more , smile more even if i have to fake it til i make it, exercise more blah blah blah , watch the sarcasm ... ha!!! good one , way too much material and brilliant leaders for that and i don't like to disappoint people, that trumps , drinking , well i will always stick to my water into wine thing, it's biblical ( in moderation of course) speaking of biblical... remembering who my teacher is and where to put my faith, where to turn in times of trouble who to thank for my blessings and who to ask forgiveness from, and if i'm asking for it guess that means i have to give it too..."forgive everyone everything" ..hard thing to do for some ...CAVEAT : doesn't mean you have to put yourself back in the same line of fire, means you let go , move on and stay clear of the negative or harmful influences... such a hardass, working on that too but realizing its a little ingrained need to keep a little for special occasions ...lol
This Febraury will mark two years for us since saying goodbye to Ashley(physically) there has been alot of sideline trauma and anxiety that goes along with that, so maybe this year will try to live like were not waiting for the ball to drop, maybe when i see an email from her dr. it IS because he IS wishing us Merry Christmas,not sending me bad news, so i can open up the email and not chuck out the computer. Ahh removal of the negative influences and welcoming of the good... CAVEAT: knowing the difference. Happy New year, may it bring you the strength, faith and gratitude you need to grow to meet the challenges and blessings that lie ahead.
Peace,
Lori
Well a couple weeks into a new year and trying not to fall into that resolution trap, at least not without caveats. I don't really recognize Jan 1 as a new year anymore, well not spiritually anyways , think i have set aside a new date for that, realizing that there really is always a time to transform the mind and heart at any stage. My opening statement always cracks me up because it gives a mental picture of how silly us humans envision our life , like we have complete control and say over the events that happen to us, when really we only have control over how we respond to them. I used to be 5 year planner kinda person now i rarely plan 5 minutes ahead, not to say there is anything wrong with goals and making sure you book prime time off of work for summer and winter holidays but that's still only an "if"... always purchase cancellation insurance both financially and emotionally.
Speaking of winter holidays , have to say that Christmas was not all that bad, not great , not painless but not too bad. Promised myself i would not over book anything and not require too much of ourselves during the holidays but still found myself busy ...yuck...did manage to keep to my promise that i wouldn't do anything too obligatory like decorations, baking and sending out Christmas cards, thank you for understanding, i'm sure you weren't sitting at your mailbox pining away for one from us but thank you for the ones you sent, not even going to rant this year about Christmas form letters , just giggle silently to myself ,ooops did i say that out loud? Darcy and i were able to get away to the sunshine coast for a couple days prior to our Christmas week ski trip and after he finished his navigation boating course , can't just take the mindless one on the computer has to learn everything and anything, charts , maps etc so think a sailboat may be slipping into our future, not sure hows he's going to pull skiiers and tubes now but he has sometime to figure that out, a nice distraction. Skiing was amazing ,stayed at a different place this year that seemed to have all the comforts of home including a kitchen (yuk) but Darcy had cooked his famous lasgana etc prior to going, that, a bottle of baileys, and we ate (and drank) well, weather was amazing and kids rarely fought , i got my Christmas gift this year. To tell you the truth we didnt even realize it was Christmas day until about 4:00 when we came off the mountain to get ready to go to dinner.
New Years was spent quietly with the girls having some friends over for Chrity's bday watching movies that were not properly rated and so began my quiet contimplation of New Years resolutions avec caveats. I won't go into detail but will say that i'm failing miserably , just ask the poor telemarketer who just phoned on my only day off this week...urgh!!!So, i guess try to eat healthier this year, no more skipping meals. l'st year was difficult cause it was back to cooking after having spent a year indulging on all the yummy food you stalked us up with , i should probably be asking for some of those recipes.Yes, be kinder to others , give more , smile more even if i have to fake it til i make it, exercise more blah blah blah , watch the sarcasm ... ha!!! good one , way too much material and brilliant leaders for that and i don't like to disappoint people, that trumps , drinking , well i will always stick to my water into wine thing, it's biblical ( in moderation of course) speaking of biblical... remembering who my teacher is and where to put my faith, where to turn in times of trouble who to thank for my blessings and who to ask forgiveness from, and if i'm asking for it guess that means i have to give it too..."forgive everyone everything" ..hard thing to do for some ...CAVEAT : doesn't mean you have to put yourself back in the same line of fire, means you let go , move on and stay clear of the negative or harmful influences... such a hardass, working on that too but realizing its a little ingrained need to keep a little for special occasions ...lol
This Febraury will mark two years for us since saying goodbye to Ashley(physically) there has been alot of sideline trauma and anxiety that goes along with that, so maybe this year will try to live like were not waiting for the ball to drop, maybe when i see an email from her dr. it IS because he IS wishing us Merry Christmas,not sending me bad news, so i can open up the email and not chuck out the computer. Ahh removal of the negative influences and welcoming of the good... CAVEAT: knowing the difference. Happy New year, may it bring you the strength, faith and gratitude you need to grow to meet the challenges and blessings that lie ahead.
Peace,
Lori
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