June 29 1992 - February 16 2009

Welcome to the Journey of a Butterfly

Welcome to Ashleys Journey,

We invite you to follow along one family's journey through grief and loss, one brave young girl's journey through faith and inspiration, this is not a blog to convert anyone , nor is it a blog about fundraising , it is what i hope will reach another family on a similar journey, we are not experts , i could not give you a magic remedy for how one gets through disease and devestation but it is our story , sometimes gut wrenching other time heartwarming and all of the time, i guarantee, very real. We are not perfect, we struggle daily and i think that the more we connect to one another the more we understand what this journey through life is all about . Sometimes that path is bumpy and we fall down, sometimes we sit and stop a while,or take a step back and other times we pound our fists on the pavement like a lunatic , still other times we find ourselves picking eachother up dusting eachother off and walking alongside them even if only for short time. This blog is dedicated to Ashley , her sisters and every single angel that picked us up along this road.
This is an introduction to the beginning and middle part of our journey the specific blogs are more indepth , the end...well there will never be an end to this journey i've come to realize that , not on this earth, for now we just assimilate it into our life like a hole , a missing limb, a continous ache that you just learn to live with.
When Ashley was about 12 years old she asked if she could go to youth group at a local church , i didn't have any church upbringing but know i craved it throughout my life , this was a rare opportunity and i recognized that if i didn't embrace it now she may lose her interst in it very quickly and beocme a jaded, cynical, stubborn person like her mom. My husband grew up in a very religious (shove it down your throat) kinda religion( i wont mention any names)or maybe it was the way he was raised ? Anyways i encouraged her to go because the community we had moved to embraced this kinda thing so i thought why not? Naturally and shortly after she started attending she was soon encouraging us to go , she had made quite a leadership name for herself there , pionner leader , sunday school helper etc, i was comfortable for the first time in my life going to a church, maybe it was the first word that greeted you as you walked in..."belong" maybe it was because they embraced community and outreach service in our city , dont know, but soon found it very therapeutic, cheaper than a shrink, and our other 3 girls jumped on board pretty quickly, my husband well... a work in progress , he communes with God in a fishing boat he says , although makes many efforts to go even if just for good way to start the week, i was still cynical , felt i wasnt holy enough but went anyways.
Ashley was scheduled to sing a solo in the church choir Dec 16 2007 , i was scared for her, i was sure she got her singing skills from me which was nil at best. She sang beautifully and you couldnt tell she had been complaining of cramps , something i chalked up to girls stuff/growing pains for a couple weeks off and on, she was an active healthy girl. When the performnce was done we got our christmas tree and i took her to the clinic to have it checked out before Christmas , they sent us to our local hosptial for tests , i was worried it was appendix. Darcy, my husband left the hosptial to go pick up our other 3 girls from friends houses , i caught the doctor in the ahallways and asked if the ulstrasound pictures were back, i remember having eye contact with Ashley only feet away from me but far enough away for her not to hear the doctor to so impassionaltely say "its not appendix, it looks like cancer", i have to stop as i write this because it is still one of the 2 biggest shocks in my entire life, i think i ran down the hallways screaming with no sound coming from my throat and not knowing where i was running . I phoned Darcy and words didnt come out of my mouth. Before I knew it we were at out local Childrens Hospital(100km away) meeting oncologiosts , being give an "oncology team" which consisted of a primary nurse, a social worker, a main oncologist and a shrink....wait a minute ...what is an oncologist? yep, a cancer doctor, this was the real thing . we waited 4 days to find out what type we were dealing with ... it was curable 90 % even though she was stage 4 , how the hell can my kid have stage 4 cancer and only a few cramps , it was mind bending. We were thrown stright into a world so foriegn to us , everything stopped ..jobs ..PAC meetings ,carppoling and yes even some friends who"couldn't handle it" it was no longer our own beds , our own home, our own anything. Treatments and life became unbearable , the 90% cure rate was not looking good at any stage throughout our journey , it seemd to be always full of negative news to the point where i couldnt stand the face of her oncologist , it nearly made me want to vomit everytime i saw him...The words they briefed us on as we began this mind altering path was " one of you will grieve through this process and no matter the out come the other will grieve after " they couldn't have been more right.......Ashley insisted on going to church on Christmas eve, two nights before she was to start chemo at the end of the service our pastor came to pray with us , i didn't know many people in the church , but wow did they know Ashley, when we rose our heads from bowing in prayer the whole congregation was surrounding us , i knew at that moment who i was going to need to get me through this ...would he be willing to listen to me...

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Christys' dance at church ...Lead me by Sanctus Real

Time to expand a little beyond fundraising and the hard stuff and bring you a bit of the other side, those moments that bring a smile to our face and keep us grateful we are still parents with amazing children...This is Christy's moment in the sun ...not like she doesn't get plenty of them , always performing , but after being asked and hesitating several times (too many boys in the audience???) several times from church to perform she finally agreed, and to one of our favourite songs , thank goodness Stef videotaped we had tears in our eyes...so maybe not that lighthearted afterall..lol

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1638535917213&comments
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Thursday, November 18, 2010

words from a grieving parent ...author unknkown...so true


Reposted...author unknown...thank you for posting tracey and Tanya...how true











Words from a grieving parent...











What do we wish others understood about the loss of our child? Here is a partial list of such wishes:











I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important and I need to hear her name.











I wish you wouldn't feel awkward if I mention her name.











If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn't because you hurt me: the fact that my child died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.











I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing from your home her picture, artwork, or other remembrances.











I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day my grief is all over, or if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling.











I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy and I wish you wouldn't compare it to the loss of a parent, spouse, or pet. If you lose your parents you are called an orphan, if you lose your spouse you are called a widow or widower, if you lose a child there is no name for you that is how tragic it is.











Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me.











I wish you knew that all the "crazy" grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following the death of a child.











I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us.











As with alcoholics, I will never be "cured" or a "former bereaved parent," but will forever be a "recovering bereaved parent."











I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, lose my short-term memory, develop a host of illness and be accident prone, all of which may be related to my grief.











Our child's birthday, the anniversary of her death, and the holidays will be terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that your are thinking about our child these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about our child and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful.











Please do not compare our grief as a family. Do not act like you know how much everyone is hurting. It is very possible that someone is hurting more than others. Please keep your opinions to yourself you only cause guilt, anger and frustration. Do not turn our grief into a competition. I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.











If you keep waiting for me to get "back to my old self" you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature, with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try to get know the "new me" - maybe you will like me still.











- author unknown

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