The release

Butterflies
Well the butterfly release in her garden was amazing ,so many people joined us either in body or spirit to set our butterflies free, however my little butterfly decided to hang out on me for a good 20 minutes , i contemplated several times whether to just capture her and place her safely in a treasure box where she would be safe , but that is not what butterflies were made to do.

Thank you everyone , the sun was shining and we were in the company of a handful of Ashleys favourite people , thank you to everyone else for your warm thoughts, gifts and prayers. You'll be happy to know we served Ashleys favourite foods and ice cream cake too. she was with us everywhere.

Happy 18th Birthday Ashley, we miss you and love you very much, gone but not forgotten

Happy 18th Birthday Ashley

Good Morning Ashley,
Today would have been your 18th birthday, words cannot describe how much i long for you and how i imagined your 18th birthday would be. I miss your smile and the softenss of your skin, i only have that in my dreams now , i can only feel it now, drink it up now, by watching the butterflies bounce around in your garden. You continue to inspire and teach those you left behind what it truly means to fly, to be free, to live beyond what this world can offer. I pray you are saving a place for us and i look forward to the day we meet again. We have been raising butterflies from caterpillars and i have to say watching them grow into such beauty and emerge into gifts from God has been reminaiecnt of watching you grow and fly away, it will be hard to let them leave , my heart, my selfish hands will hesitate and want to hang on a little longer and cover them up and protect them ,not let them go , but i know better, i know that I can't . i have to set you free, to explore , your work is done and now you must just send little reminders once in a while that you are here and amongst us and you are doing what every butterfly does ... brighten the lives of those around you, make us stop, smile and thank God for your beauty. Happy Birthday Ashley.

While Waiting For Thee

Don't weep at my grave,
For I am not there.
I've a date with a butterfly
To dance in the air.
I'll be singing in the sunshine
Wild and Free
Playing tag with teh wind
While I'm waiting for thee

P.S. how fitting that the daily puppy ad beside your blog today happens to be a yorkshire terrier , Sophy, we miss her too and celebrate today 11 years ago when you two first became soul mates

Prom June 2010

Well its midnight and I have contemplated off and on all day what this day would have ,should have, looked like for you , for us. As i awoke this morning i day dreamed that maybe you would have taken Sophy for a walk and started getting ready for your big night ,your dad would make you pancakes for breakfast and we would present you with a beautiful ring or something else significant, maybe a camera because your photography skills had really taken off, Brittanny would hand you beaded friendship bracelet which you would have put on to make her happy. Maybe you would have had some friends over had a swim and hot tub before helping eachother with hair and make up , i would have brought you all your favourite foods and maybe your dad would have wandered in off and on from the garage occassionally telling you how pretty you looked, maybe you'd be telling your sisters to get lost but they would be wanting to watch in awe of their big sis. Then it would be time to get your dress on, the one your sisters and i went dream grad dress shopping for , it was so pretty , like a rainbow. It would be time to have maybe some more friends over, we would talk with the ohter parents about how fast time has gone and how we recalled each of your preschhol days and each of your fututre plans, how we would take a million pictures and videos , some by the rose bush , some by what is now your garden , some with the citizenhsip scholarship i know you would have won ., pictures with me and your dad and some begrundignly with your sisters and of course some of you being silly. Soon it would be time to say goodbye, maybe you had a date or maybe you just decided to hang with your friends , either way i know there would be a boy who couldn't wait to dance with you tonight, maybe he bought you a beautiful white corsage. Your dad would read you the riot act and make you promise him the moon and the stars before letting you go. We'd wait all night to make sure you got home safe but we know what a good kid you are and how much fun you create with out anything dangerous, you'd phone us once or twice or maybe you'd forget as you always seemed to. I know you'd eat lots at the banquet and not care what anyone thought. You'd dance with your friends and maybe that special boy who was honoured to have you on his arm because you were the most beautiful girl there.As tomboy and jeans and tshirt as you normally are this night you were a princess. You'd come bounding in the door at a fairly decent hour maybe having recieved a kiss goodnight from that special boy , you'd tell us all about your night and you'd be giggling through the silly antics. Your dad would kiss you on the forehead and tell you how proud he was of you , how beautiful you looked and ask you to go fishing tomorrow, he would go to bed thankful you were home safe . I would sit with you and watch you as the night spun through your head and wonder where you go from here , imagining the next exciting steps in your life , i would kiss you on the forehead and tell you how proud i was of you and how beautiful you looked as you lie your head on your pillow and drift off to sleep waiting for tomorrow. I would pour myself a cup of tea head off to bed and lie my head on my pillow and thank God my daughter is safe.


Okay well sometimes life doesn't go as planned and as i walked outside just before writing this to lock the door a beautiful gold butterfly flew towards me into the light of the door just to say goodnight. I am off to bed now and as i lie my head down on my pillow i will thank God my daughter is safe

Convocation Coccoons Christianity and Craziness June 2010

Convocation, Coccoons, Christianity and Craziness
Today at 10:15pm | Edit Note | Delete
Oh man , what a month. I don't understand why everything has to fall at eh end of the year , it seems like teachers, coaches, etc feel compelled to provide some sort of wing ding at the end of the year multiply that by 2 , 3 , 4 or more kids and it loses its pleasure in the mirco management of year end planning....here's a thought leaders..."you'd be doing us all a favour if you all got together and spread out these activities between February and April .sound good ? i'll have my people call yours...or better yet, hey don't feel obligated to do anything, i would like you more and really you'd end up with a better year-end gift than a dollar store mug".

Okay enough ranting i can't blame it all on teachers schools coaches etc life is crazy, i promised myself i would never let it get crazy again , that when i noticed things spinning outta control i would ask myself "how important is this ,really?" Back when we were hospitalling , we didn't have a choice that was not only crazy but insane.

I won't bore you with the mundane, just the highlights ...Christy and Stefanny are now working together for a family friend who imports retail fish ( goldfish, tetra's , frogs , those kind) not a diva job by any means, so not only do they bicker over clothes and make-up every morning they now roll themselves in the door at 6 pm arguing about whose fish is better , who packaged the most fish and who killed the least ...ah fish bliss, i'm sure they will laugh about it one day.

Ashleys scholarship was given out a few weeks ago , i couldn't believe how nervous we were didn't realize the enormity of it i guess until we got there, hard sitting alongside people on stage that are giving out a token of their fallen son, daughter , grandpa just wanting to scream out "remember this person they made a difference in the world" , they are here they are holding the hands of the person (family) stretching out their arms with a gift they are holding the hand of the person so deserving of receiving the gift.Ashley was there. We kept it together even when the grand march of grads entered the church sanctuary to scottish bagpipes and i forced myself not to look at where i assumed Ashley would have, should have, sat. As we were called upon stage a very lovely person whom i've come to know recently yelled out inside a very somber room" love you lori " what a comfort , what i nice thing to do what an act of empathy .. thank you leanne. Anyways our recipient to Ashleys award was Amy T. it was an obvious choice, someone i know Ashley would have chosen, funny cause i could see Ashley with her big smile saying "way to go Amy" Glad to see her other very good friends recieve shcolarships too (jacquline , trinda)Deepest congratulations to all the grads, enjoy , have fun , be safe. For us , as sad as it was sometimes watching kids fill the seats at convocation , ones she went to pre school with , ones she went to elementary school with ,ones she had sleepovers with , i told myself over and over again...she has reached even higher than this , she has graduated and triumphed beyond this, she has received a greater glory, a greater crown , she is ok. We left when we knew we had enough and i'm kinda sad we didn't stay , i later found out that valedictorian talked about Ashley , talked about her smile and her free spiritedness , her attitude , maybe it was good i didn't hear that there , I may have lost it. Thanks Corbin.

A big thank you to all our donors, runners, sponsors and supporters for your contribution to Childrun this year,our team grew by a few more this year including my sister and niece, we were proud to join forces with "Logan is our Angel " what an event , Logan has fought brain cancer for 5 years was not expected to be the miracle she has so eloquently developed into , i'm sure you've seen her big smile and angelic face plastered everywhere , she was the poster child this year and we were honoured to be part of the team , in keeping with our annual commitment to tell Ashleys story we still ran under "Ashleys journey " and this year we had t-shirts made up in her name displaying a butterfly of faith on the front. The evening before was a "team Logan" fundraiser , where again, our brave girl was honoured too., i think the goal was far surpassed, reaching 35,000.00, Lu Lu Lemon guy, Chip Wilson matched the donations , so over 70,000.00 in one unblievable night ..not bad, was nice to see and meet up again with other families/ parents running and supporting in the name of their child, some whom i have only met faceless on facebook , funny how you can spot them in a crowd of thousands. Childrun has been kind enough to donate extra large left over tshirts to Ashley comfort bags for sleepshirts for parents...nice huh?

Butterflies are coccooning as we speak , this year we decided to raise butterflies , for release on Ashleys upcoming 18th bday on the 29th , so far i don't think i've killed any , we'll see , notice no live plants in my house , theres a reason for that.

On a side note , i have recently started a blog in ashleys name, i have ported all the blogs since the beginning of this journey from facebook to the blog , i suppose i did this because i hope in one way or another it reaches someone desperate to find out that as hell as it is losing a child and sister that there is peace in knowing that we will see eachother again , that as ive said before this world is temporary, it is a PRACTICING place , a place to let your hearts be broken to the suffering of the world and to the people right next to you, to see what you do with it. Thank you for doing something with it.

Summer is on the horizon , can't wait , no schedules , no school notices, no packed lunches to make, just fun in the sun ( wherever thats been lately) although it already seems so booked , Darcy and Christy are off on a whitewater rafting trip soon with Christys church youth group , Darcy is driving the bus , excuse me while i kill myself laughing , someone ,not sure who , is in for a real treat...lololololol. Ahhh speaking of church , enjoyed the church sermon a couple weeks ago about not being fake , or putting on the appearance of just looking like "a Christian" that its imprortant not to just look the part , to really DO and FOLLOW and SERVE. i look over at Darcy who happened to be wearing a suit...k you probably no where im going with this.... our pastor comes up to us at the end and remarks how good he looked , i owned up , i admitted that he is only wearing a suit because i haven't done laundry in 2 weeks , cause i 've been too cranky with all the "year end" suff and working full time for the last 2 weeks to do laundry , and the reason our kids are looking so cheery is because we decided to stay for the brunch after church because i haven't gone grocery shopping either, so they are just happy to be fed , "eat up kids", I told you i wasn't made for f/t paid labour , I can't do it all and i don't aspire to "doing it all" No fake Christians here , maybe not always great ones either, but PRACTICING as best we can.Thanks for reading

Peace,
Lori
p.s. here is the blog info http://followingashleysjourney.blogspot.com/
p.p.s congratualtions to all my amazing children on all your year end successes, dance rugby academics, and your courage... you're awesome!
A special conGraduation to Baylee, Ashleys BFF , you're a great friend and i can't wait to see you in your dress.To Shakira , Ashleys cousin, you should be very proud of yourself, as well to Jordan Hopper Ashleys babyhood friend and "ashleys Journey " team member Good Job Jordan, we are very proud of you,Amanda S , Sara M and many many more good luck and prayers to you all.

Poem..Save A Place...April 2010

save a place for me
Wednesday, April 21, 2010 at 11:32pm | Edit Note | Delete
Don't be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon

I have asked the question why
But I guess the answer's for another time
So instead I'll pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
And I wanna live my life just like you did
Make the most of my time just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there

Matthew West
Today is 14 moths since we all last said goodbye to you at the service the same amount of time you fought your brave battle ...miss you every moment of every day and i wait patiently for the day we meet again

Author unknown)

What If's....April 2010

what ifs
Tuesday, April 20, 2010 at 1:19pm | Edit Note | Delete
The month of April is such a funny weather kinda month, at times it can be mistaken for a hot summer day ,others a rainy blustery fall day, or even a downright out and out winter day , it is probably the only month that one could get completely confused in if they were void a calendar or computer all month, sometimes it has Easter /passover in it sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes were gearing up for camping and other times topping off ski season.
My favourite sounding day of the whole year is April 7 i don't know why there is nothing signicant to me about it i just always loved the sound of it, call it querky.
Last weekend the sun shone brightly and the wind whipped through the Fraser Valley , Darcy and i were driving along the highway back from Harrison , i rememebr looking up to the hillside as we entered Mission and the sight of the Monastary came into my view, the sun shining down upon it , I couldn;t help but remember the hike Darcy and i had taken Ashley there on for her 13th birthday , we were hot and sweaty and dirty as we climbed the hill , and reached the top, Ashley out in front, leading us as usual,, it is where we chose to give her a heart locket and tell her how proud we were of her for all the decisons and spitritual paths she had recently chosen in her life . The memory i was so fondly remebering was quickly invaded with my usual "what if " demon... what if she had cancer THEN and we didnt know, what if she was brushed by some unknown deadly bush on the way up what if we had only been fore warned. I had to stop myself and remember what i had learned this past weekend why we had spent a "mixed feeling " weekend in Harrison and i stopped myself , i had decided right there no more what ifs. Whatifs are as troubling or as futile even dangerous as trying to predict your future. I suppose its human nature to wonder "why" ...to question its purpsose and wonder who was in charge of all the happenings ,good and bad, in our life. The truth is i still dont have the answer i still cant say for certain and those much more annointed than i don't seem to have the answers either ... i could say" yes all this had purpose, it was his will to serve a bigger purpose " and i still can't say for certain that God has thrown his hands in the air and said " this is the world suffering the consequences of its actions...' i have an idea that maybe God didnt plan for any of this maybe it was an evil force that had to play itself out, the way of an imperfect world and maybe he is creating something " ok" from it. Either way he 's walking it with us sending those angels and helping us climb to new horizins as tough as they are.
Our weekend away as romantic as it may have sounded on a facebook status was not as lofty as it sounded ,we were actually attending a "parent of kids with cancer" retreat/workshop. As we wandered the hallways of the Harrison Hotel i had thought about all the times we had been here in the past , for an anniversary, or a getawy, or taking the kids to dinner , but never in my wildest imagination did i think we would find ourselves here under these circumstances, talk about your past and future coliding. I have no one word to describe the weekend , it was tough, fun, furstrating , healing , debilitating and a bunch more adjectives that flow out of my soul. It was comforting to be around people who have ./are going through the same stuff , however, even within this group there are still the have's and have not's, that is not to say that the have's are suffering any less , there are times i listen to my cohorts in the oncology world still fighting the fight and think "Oh God , i don't know if i could still be doing this" one parent described it as hanging on to a cliff waiting for the next gust of wind to throw them from their clutches , awaitng test results etc",then i ifnd myself saying " of course you would lori cause then you'd still have Ashley here" Some families are in the desired state of remission, however, now dealing with seconadary issues that in many ways are no better than cancer My heart went out to the parents that attended that were newly diagnosed , i dont think i would have wanted to know me now at the beginning of our journey. There were families there that have done amazing things with their grief , leaving legacies and setting up foundations etc it really does become your life's work in remberance of your child. The panel that spoke were surviviors, siblings and grandparents of kids with cancer , strong amazing group ,. I geuss the kicker came when a dr. spoke ( actually one that had treated ashley) he spoke about the importance of nutrition and the need for feeding tubes with most children having them implanted from the beginning. This hurt to hear, we struggled so much with trying to feed ashley and keep her weight up , she aspirated a feeding tube twice and refused them after that, i remember frantically looking through grocery stores checking labels for the highest, least invasive type of calories i could sneak into her food.
Darcy raised his hand form across the room (we were in sepaearte workshop groups) and as the microphone was passed to him i could feel my heart pound , i knew what he was going to ask , he was reading my thoughts and speaking words i couldn't formualte as i held back tears. He asked the inevitalbe ...what else could we have done? why couldnt she have the feeding tube put in while sedated which was earlier against hospital policy. ... the room got extremely silent and all i could here were sobs behind me from my table , the dr. paused and said as any good dr would " i can't speak to any specific case...." and then he looked at darcy and spoke right to our case and said you did everything you could have do not blame yourself...in that moment i said " no more what ifs" it took a little reeling and getting over the new philosphies at the hospital, ones we would have benefitted so greatly from, but perhaps this was the change maybe she and others are part of ....new solutions to new feeding challenges. We pulled ourselves together and met everyone at dinner ,we were seated next to the dr and not much more about it was said , he recognized who we were and recalled treating ashley and just spoke to us reassurigly , it was nice to talk to him on a personal level to ,see what makes these peopel tick ..lol. and to know that some of them aren't all medicine and non-alternantive.I ordered a veggie dish because he had drilled into me the importance of 7 ( yes 7) servings of veggies (all different colours) per day i was feeling obligated. Then he goes and orders steak...damn!
Anyways we ended the night like all the other good oncology parents closing down the lounge over some good red. im sure the other patrons in the lounge were envious of our stories and friendships ...not!!!!
Anyways proud to be in the company the most amazing parents i know. No more whatifs ( easier said than done)no more expecting i can plan my future to a "tee" and maybe not everything happens for a reason, that would be a hard thing to live with, BUT maybe reasons (to change, learn grow ,love,serve and thank) can come out of everything Am i looking forward to next year , well that is a loaded question.

Peace,
Lori

Filming Day.... March 2010

Filming Day
Wednesday, March 17, 2010 at 12:50pm | Edit Note | Delete
Sometimes i wonder what my expression would be if i had fallen asleep for 2 years and awoke to my present life,

I wonder what i would have thought to myself if i would have woken up on Monday morning with someone telling me that i had to be downtown Vancouver in hair and make up for a filming shoot, would i have thought " wow i finally made it to stardom" lol. I don't think i would have thought that our family had been asked to do a promotional video to recant the horrors of cancer with our eldest daughter, nevertheless, that is where we found ourselves this past Monday. Although we were treated like royalty and the kids gotta kick out of their rockstar status for the day there were no illusions of it being a fun day or an extra spring break day off, this would have been harder than any math or english class their cohorts would have partaken in that day.That being said Stefanny still wanted to go to her first class , Darcy picked her up shortly before we had to leave and away we were, each adorning our "Ashley" necklaces , rehearsing a few of the questions we might be asked ...side note ...there is no preparing for such a task, but we were there to help raise funds for a very meaningful cause, one so close to our hearts...Camp Goodtimes and the Canadian Cancer Society, a video to be shown at gala events and to donors.

Now we have been thrown into centre stage or a fishbowl , whatever you wanna call it , several times throughout this journey , interviews , radio shows , speeches , fundraisers etc and we are getting better at it but for a reformed "closed book" kinda person it is still somewhat nerve racking, but by the grace of God, we did it! The filming crew was respectful and thoughtful and afforded us every possible luxury while we waited each of our turns in the green room ( which is actually a red room but whatever)

There is something very reverant about watching your children on camera holding back tears and speaking from their heart about how "losing a sister " has affected them how watching her suffer and having a childhood and friends robbed right out from her was devestating for them , they were honest and real even telling the director about how they miss fighting with her , their fears and of course how Camp Goodtimes brought them to a place they so eloquently described as "home". Darcy and i were interviewed separarately and mine seemed to take forever , not sure if thats because they were doing all the set-up ..lighting and sound checks on me being ,the first to go, or because i fell off my chair , not once , but TWICE not because it was emotional and nooooo not because i had" tea time" before, it was simply because i am a clutz , im sure the sound guy thought i was a complete flake , why do those things always happen in front of the cute ones ...geez, anyways i was probably old enough to be his big sister (ok his mom... thought id never say that,,yikes!!!)I could tell the filming crew was nervous too , asking such personal questions so i m hoping my clutziness eased the tension for everyone . i'm sure their intention was to get brief accounts of the specifics of our journey but her first question to me was "can you describe your journey for us??" ...."WHAT???? what! do you want a mini series? ...cut!!!! ...could we be a little more specific, there is no beginning and no end to that answer "

Anyways by the time it was all said and done and as Dacry and i sat in the wings watching the kids each have their turn, i thought to myself " oh man i would so be one of those stage mothers , those ones i cant stand feeding their kids the actions and lines slightly offstage, oh well i guess somethings are instinctual and it was good for another laugh. By the end of the day the kids were having mini photo shoots done as a group still bickering and maintaing their version of sisterly love in every way , think they even caught a few shots of them bickering and shoving eachother off their stools. We had a family shot done and i felt a little strange , i think it waas our first formal family shot of 5, almost said "no" to it but knew Ashley was right in the centre of the picture, you just have to look a little harder to see it. There is nothing like watching your kids personalities really shine through on camera, so proud of them and Darcy and i too.

By the end of the day we had formed new relationships with these people and felt again like they maybe knew us more than people ( even family) we've known for 20 plus years , they thanked us through their own emotions and ...here;s' the kicker , they asked the girls if they'd be interested in any extra film work ..."are you kidding me, you just made their day, gotta be some perks in this whole thing for them don't ya think?" we were each given a gift and after tears and hugs the day was done,

I'm not sure how to describe the day, healing? draining? fun? emotional ? it was all that and more , but we did get to tell the world again about our amazing daughters fight and the bravery and strength of she and her sisters, so i hope this will pull at a few heart strings or should i say purse strings and keep research, and Camp Goodtimes rolling. Of course we did it for more than that and think we may continue , you never know who it will effect. Anyways we were exhausted by the end of the day , we took the kids out for dinner to celebrate and went home and slept for what felt like a month.

Yesterday was the 13 month anniversary of Ashleys passing and i just wanted to thank everyone for all their support at Ashleys memorial last month we got through the day with great friends , family and memories of Ashley who is with us in everything we do.

Peace,
Lori

One Year...February 2010

One year ...consider joining us
Friday, February 12, 2010 at 12:10am | Edit Note | Delete
Wow, i sit here plugging away at the keys wondering where this year went , could it possibly be a year already? it can't be! it was yesterday.. it was ten yeas ago... my reference of time is skewed its like a floating memory one that bounces between milestones, in and out , up and down. Could we have already had our terrible firsts of everything this year? did we make it through? why does everything seem so hazey , like a thick fog when the reality of loss was as clear as glass, broken glass. Did seasons change? were birthdays celebrated? Was Christmas and snow cancelled this year ? Did someone dress me in a cloak of numbness so i could sail over top of the event so it seemed like i observed the whole year from a baclcony seat at a theater watching my life , our life unfold like a play , like an assistant director, only having partial say as to when and how the next scene would look.
I say this because although we all have control over how we view an event sometimes we can't make it better for someone else , sometimes an emotion arises , i cant even call it an emotion not in the usual sense and it kinda takes over your body your mind it doesnt have a reference point a well knkown guage, its all new and it points you into directions youve never gone before , un- chartered territory , for some that is a scary place its hard to face , other times its like a secret a beautiful secret that that you can believe in so it leads you from darkness into light, it helps you sail , its softens the blows. it penetrates the sword for you and other times it makes you feel all the pain for awhile so you can have new pictures in your mind safe pictures hopeful pictures ones that don't involve the worldly pains we all must face, takes you to another time,a place of peace and healing.
One thing is for sure that we must travel our own road of grief, helping to pick up those who can't bear to take another step ,we must keep a stack of snapshots with us at all times so we can pull one out of our back pocket and show them what that picture, what that future could look like. For now its staying on the road , one step at a time , sitting to rest a while , maybe even taking a few steps back to try again, lifting and being lifted , crawling , pounding fists upon the pavement, but always always staying on the road.

Tuesday, febraury 16 will be one year since Ashley left us to be with God, I know she is at peace and everytime i think of what she is missing i remind myself of the beauty she is creating and that of what she has left behind.
We struggled with how to celebrtate or commemerate the day and finally came up with a few ideas that we would like to share and include you in. Recently, we had Ashleys grave marker designed and completed, My brother in law , Darcys brother Jamie, did a beautiful job captured everything we needed and wanted to say inculding a beautiful golden butterfly which im hoping to share that significance with you in the near future. We are grateful to have had someone close in the family create such a beautiful piece, the marker is symbolic only , Ashley is not buried nor cremated there , it is a place of remeberance .
Anyways, on Tuesday morning 11:00am we will meet with our family friends pastor and whoever else would like to join us at Musselwhite cemetary to dedicate the marker and to say a few words /prayers of remeberace. this wil be a short cermeony. We understand that not everyone will feel comfortable doing this so feel free to visit Ashleys marker, anyone, anytime , we will leave a small box at her site for the day, if you would like to leave a letter , poem or something small feel free to do so we will pick it up later that day , flowers etc. will remain at the site. Later that day for those of you who would like to we will have an open house(at our place) between 4:00 and 7:00 pm if you would like to pop by have a cup of tea for coffee snacks and a hug.
If neither of these ideas are do-able or comfortable for you we totally understand we just want to give people ways in which they can remeber Ashley , here are a few others .... we would love to hear how your year has been , youve heard all about us this year we would like to know how this year has effected you , has it been difficult? have you had some epiphanies? have you done someting different? by the way , we love to hear and see pics of Ashley all througjout the year , please dont feel like we'll fall apart, if anyhting they are tearsof joy and it warms our heart esp when we hear how shes touched people. You can do this via facebook, letter, email, video ,pictures, artwork , doesn't matter we'd love it!!!!! Or please consider a random act of kindness in Ashleys name , she was all about charity/giving etc so anything is possible, food donation to the food bank , or salvation army , give blood ( i think she drained the whole system for about a year) drop some dog food off at SPCA , whatever you may be inclined to do, love to hear about it or donation to BCCH pediatric oncology research or BCCCPA or hey even donations to the comfort bags. or her scholarship which is now in print , check it our GRADS! Do not feel obligated to any of these things they are just ideas , no need to put out any money on anything (we'll be hittin ya up during fundraising lol)i know people feel like they want/need to do something , do whatever feels right or just say a prayer or light a candle. Thank you all so much for getting us through this year , we have had some great moments this year as well and believe me when i say her spirit really does live on , their have been so many "little things" and great people this year that just fill us up and keep hope and faith floating. Thanks everyone!!!

Peace,
Lori

A New Year..January 2010

A New Year
Monday, January 11, 2010 at 11:58am | Edit Note | Delete
Usually, just before the clock strikes midnight on December 31 i observe the signs around me looking for clues and tell-tale signs of what the year has in store for me, for example, if i'm celebrating with friends and family and having a festive time i think the year will be full of joy and good feelings , if i happen to have fallen asleep i tend to believe i'm in for more of a restful boring year , (which is just fine some years). I remember way back to New Years eve 1994, I held my new born, who was only a few hours old , it was pretty obvious what the upcoming year was going to bring me that year , diapers, sleepless nights , and joy.

Up until 2007 we spent every new years together with the focus usually being on Christys birthday,however, 2007, found Darcy and Ashley in the hospital where she began her experience with her first round of chemo(not pretty) but we put a positive spin on it saying it was the begining of the fight of our lives "one that would bring upon healing" Last New Years Christy wanted to have a few girls over for a sleepover , there were so many times that year we had to say "no" because of risk of infection that we finally decided that maybe it would be ok. Ashley was fine with the decision after making Christy swear up and down that her "immature friends " would not so much as make a peep towards her room where she was content on being by herself watching her favourite episodes of "House " and "End of my leash" she even asked Darcy and i to just "let her be" with out constant checking ...i agreed and we slipped down the street for a new years drink with our neighbours playing board games. Stefanny joned Christy's party and kept watch over Ashleys "sound barrier", Brit well she was at the neighbours too. As 11:57 approached i quickly gave Darcy a smooch and assured him i'd be back , I ran 4 houses home in the rain and quietly climbed into bed with Ashley who was drifting off from her evening dose of morphene , I carefully thought about how i would envison and verbalize what i thought about the upcoming year. I told Ashley this year will be better , this year you will be healed, this year you will have peace and this year we will be greatful and you will do great things. I told her that we will take care of her and that we'll be with her through it all. Ashley nodded her head and said " i know mom." You may think i promised her things that didn't come true but like i said i chose the words carefully. there is truth and reality in all the words .

As was with Christmas, we again tried not to put too much emphasis on New Years (which was a wonderful ski trip by the way , didnt regret one moment) We celebrated Christys birthday at a restaurant with her BFF and later had the neighbours over for a glass of grapes. They left before midnight, so as new years approached I couldn't help but reflect back on the past year , I know it sounds wierd but I really didn't want it to end, it felt as though time in between was getting greater, further away, "last yearish" i wasn't ready to let go of such a year , the one with the most amount of sadness and the most amount of growth and patience I had ever experienced , guess thats what they call a double edged sword. I tried not to assume what the New year was going to bring in case it was a huge disppointment, just when i thought the 6 funerlas was enough for one year , would this one bring more????i thought to myself "don't let this moment dictate what the year will bring , things can change in an instant , give up control, just let them happen and flow with it and pray its one with less tears. So no big revelations , no signs from above that things will be great....well ....until this weekend, i had a great weekend , went out for dinner on Friday night with some friends and when we got back i checked my Facebook and literally burst to find out that our dear sweet friend Logan, diagnosed 4 and a half years ago with brain cancer... i think like 18 brain tumors... over 100 rounds of chemo, given a life expectancy of 2 weeks at diagnosis received news that her MRI that day came back with no more growth, she has been off chemo for 5 months and although they can't call it remission, it is definitely cause for a celebration for today , for hope.Perhaps their recent house fire which has kept them held up in hotel for 2 months was a sign of old things burning away , the smoke has cleared ,i remember a dr once associating fighting a tumor like a house fire ,first they had to put the fire out (the active tumor ) and then get to the smoke , the embers (the middle of the tumor). Hard to say life will go back to normal, but for now maybe they can exhale and Jen can wear those shoes , the ones the other moms get to wear to the follow-up clinic, the ones she's waited patiently for, the ones that will fit her perfectly because she deserves them.(well we all do but...) Needless to say , my girls were extatic , for us, it was almost as good as ....well you know...

I decided to drag my butt outta bed and attend church this Sunday for the first time back this year , i was hesitant because our regular pastors were away and i wasn't sure i'd get anything out of it because ...well.... i'm under the delusional impression that my pastors sermons are directly for me!! I hope and bet everyone else in church feels the same way , i'm sure that is the gift of a wise pastor. Anyways , he was good, the other pastor i mean, Mike,especially for being so young, I was wondering how his life experience could possibly speak to me , considering he was talking about spiritual healing over physical healing , restoration of a soul and greatness to come and faith and knowing that this world is temporary, which takes me back to the conversation i had with sleepy Ashley on Dec 31 2008 @ 11:59pm.The message was a great way to start the year to not be too wrapped up in the physicallness of this world , physical healing ,for there is so much we cannot see yet its still there , our bodies will fade, some quicker than others, and sometimes this brings on a stronger healing, a spiritual one , one that is beyond what we can see, just know. .Maybe i already knew this maybe i just needed to hear it again,maybe Darcy and i were hearing it for the first time together ,it was healing ,a sign of things to come, for many i hope. Praying for Peace and Healing to everyone

Peace
lori

A Christmas Letter...December 2009

A Christmas letter from the Loweys
Wednesday, December 16, 2009 at 10:56am | Edit Note | Delete
Do you ever get those Christmas letters? You know the ones ..designed to make you feel like your life is crappy while the author goes on and on about how their 2 year old johnny is now singing tenor in the philharmonic choir and teenage suzy has been inducted into some hall of something ,somewhere and how she and her husband are now teaching "perfect marriage " courses at the college in Stepford or Pleasantville or some other make believe fairy tale land... blah blah blah..I apologize upfront to those who write honest accounts of their life over the past year , it is probably a good way to catch everyone up and certainly nothing wrong with proud moments.I just think it would be kinda cool if we all heard about the "not so good stuff" too, the kids bad marks, the bratty teenager stuff, the terrible 2's the, the irritating inlaws , the last stupid fight you had with your spouse , the extra 10 lbs, , wouldn't this be more entertaining more real . I think people believe that those letters are a way for them to bring themselves closer to others ...do they really?

I suppose this is my idea of a Christmas card this year , as i have told many we are forgoing much of the Christmas traditions this year for obvious reasons.
As you read this please do not have pity on us , don't think to yourself " oh what can we do to make their Christmas better" Sometimes Christmas just is what it is..sometimes its festive and plentiful and fruitful and joyous and other times its not , well ....not in the western culture sense , it will always be significant to me because of where my spiritual journey has taken me lately, so in a way this Christmas is like a cleanse . I loved our Christmasses past ,however i found myself doing things that i didnt really want to do and attatched many unneccessary rituals to it . I am not Christmas bashing , i am not bitter , and believe me if my kids wanted a traditonal Christmas then i probably would have pants'd up and done it . After much discussion about what it will look like for any of us , somehow drudging the decorations from the basement and mind numbingly setting up lights or baking(which just frustrates me) was so overwhelming and when we thought deep about it , realized we couldn't do it , not just because Ashley is not here but because it was a perfect time to rethink everything. Without sounding too cliche it is too much , we put so much emphasis on the rituals of it , that we feel compelled and conditioned to carry out . This year we are not doing anything that is not making sense to us , i dont have any plastic blow up nativity scenes in the front yard , i am not buying Christmas crackers that the kids fight over to get a paper hat from i am not burning sugar cookies this year and i will not darken the doorstep of any mall or God forbid ...Walmart. As a matter of fact we have decided for the first year ever to just escape , i know we can't run form our problems but i think we are running to a new idea. We have decided to go to Sunpeaks and just have a (insert adjective) time.Darcy has made all the arrangements (a gift in itself , i dont have to think) We are not buying gifts we have not bought a tree ( however we do have a memorial tree given to us in our living room) this is not a sad thing.If we were to write a form letter this year it would probably not look to appealing to most of you and today is a very sad reminder of words that changed our lives 2 years ago, but tomorrow will be the first time i have had a grade 10'r, healthy, past the dec 16 date ,tomorrow is a gift ,we have had many gifts this year , we don't need anymore,i cannot speak for everyone in my family we all experience waves of grief but i know for myself i have received the gift of peace and comfort and i know who sent it and i know that is what and who i will think about and thank on Christmas day.i am not kidding myself , i know there will be some sad memories no matter where we are , we will shed tears as we do almost daily , we will speak of Ashley and remember her as we do daily, and yes i will take the kids shopping when we get back , this isnt a financial thing it is a spiritual thing , we are not out to deprive our kids , we will just celebrate or remember what is truly necessary for us that day.

Our last 2 Christmasses have been heart wrenching , this time last year we were facing hard hard news and spending some cold dreary days drudging back and forth and staring out hosptial windows full of fear and anxiety ...we knew we were facing our last Christmas together on earth....however, through many angels Christmas became something very different for us and so it shall remain and thats ok, it is for many , others struggle with poverty and true hardship , it is everywhere in one form or another and its ok to learn from it , its ok for kids to learn from it . I remember as a kid we would always wait to hear my dad announce whether it was going to be a "tighten your belt christmas" , we loved it when he didnt say anything because he would never say "this is going to be a stellar christmas" we just heard it when things were leaner and i look back and dont remember a difference. There were times after my parents split that we were "helped out" and you know what, thats ok , its what it is about especaiily for children stuck in a cylce of poverty , defintiley give, defintly help out , but if you are a family having a tough year , dont miss out on a teaching opportunity for your kids , its ok that some christmasses are less than stellar (financially) its ok to go a year without everything. Builds character.

I was watching Dr phil the other day ,(which i rarely watch for the reason you are about to hear) a woman in the audience was crying because her husband lost his job and they could not afford to give the children the Christmas they were ACCUSTOMED too. I loved dr phils advice when he suggested that it was ok for kids to understand and buck up and realize that there are hard times it was a good learning opportunity for them . BUT then what does he do.... ,he fold, he caves , he gets the "good people from JC penny" ( lets call them pimps) to push and prostitute the "American product of the minute' so we can have more of their free advertising shoved down our throat and everyone can go away feeling"happy ever after" ..everybody sold their souls for what appeared to be a generous moment when so much value was lost in a teachable moment , those poor kids ,now all they have is a wii station and a new understanding of family , let's not fool ourselves there was no giving going on here. Everoyne was out to satisfy themselves . Like i mentioned DO give to the truly needy to the food banks and Salvation Armys of the world they depend on giving hearts this time of year to sustain them not only through Christmas but throughout the year which is what its really all about.

Anyways,please know that i am not a scrooge , there are some beautiful decorating and tradtions and generosity and yummy baking (obvioulsy not mine) out there i thank you for your Christmas cards and even those form letters. I will let you know how our Christmas "worked for us " this year , hey we may go back to our old traditions next year , but for whatever its worth i hope Christmas brings you what your soul craves. Remembering God's true gift to the world and wishing you Peace and Joy and comfort wherever and whatever Christmas means to you.

Peace,
Lori

Battle : Cynicism and Serving...November 2009

Battle: Cyncism and Serving
Tuesday, November 24, 2009 at 11:31am | Edit Note | Delete
A man came to the door the other night it was raining out dark ,cold and windy , he had a rake in his hand and cans of food spilling out of his jacket, he asked stefanny for a bag , when i could here the voice was not familiar i took over command at the front door. He again politely asked for a bag to put his groceries in , i looked beyond him and could see a bike lying on my front lawn, his clothes were scruffy and he had not bathed in days . An immediate thought of hmmm came to my mind . I asked him what for (as if it werent obvious, i wanted a little more info) He told me that he had just finished raking someones yard and they paid him in canned food which he seemed perfectly fine with. So there went my thought of "just lookin for a handout" this man had actually worked for his food .... heard a saying the other day "a man should not eat if he has not worked",although i try not to necasarily believe that , my mind still curious, or, i think cynical, summed up the bike, no helmet,a garbage bag etc and made a judgement most living in Abbotsford might make... What did i do? I gave him a bag ...and that was it ....nothing extra . let the opportunity disappear as i watched him tie his groceries to his bike and flee off into the darkness ...where to, i do not know, its not the point ,the point was i still had alot to learn about grace and mercy and serving. I suppose my job has made me a little jaded , little suspicious a little guarded but i would have hoped that my recent journey would have smoothed those rough edges over just a bit, ok maybe it did enough that i keep a bag of convenient -type groceries in my car now just in case i run into him again ,and if i do i will first ask him if he'd like to rake the leaves in my yard , then apologize for not asking him prior, and offer the bag regardless of his answer. I had a choice to make in that very moment he was standing at the door, i think i made the wrong one, i had no basis for not helping, he had not done anything worng that i knew of . The afterthought of the bag of groceries etc was exactly that ....an after thought,that doesnt always cut it.
We have attended many funerals since Feb of this year , i think the last count was 6 ,wearing out my funeral clothes i think. People ask... do you really think youre ready to go to a funeral? do you have to go? well...lets see , I ask you,do you have a list of favourite people in your life? You know those people in your life for whatever reason came into it at just the right time or taught you such a valuable lesson in life that you crave spending time with them , well 3 of the people on my list this year were just such people. The other 3 also amazing people that i feel priveleged to have met and there stories of perseverance are absoutley nothing less than inspiring. Whatever each service looked like a common thread could be seen in all 6 lives. These people were all givers, all had lead not perfect lives but lives that made you want a little piece of who they were and reminded you why they were so admired,from the youngest of 5 to the oldest of 88 . I suppose that it is a time to focus on ones good qualities ,not a time to get up there and tell the world what a grump they were on Saturday mornings, but, nevertheless, there was an underlying quality in all of them. They all gave of themself , some of the funeral services were religious, some not , but each person had a gift , each packaged a little differently, whether it was teaching others about their faith , being a multi-talented young musician who stopped people in their tracks or being the fastest 5 year-old bike Ryder ever, or leading an adventurous successful life while giving much of his time money and knowlege to others, or having been a published poet, a pioneer of her time(so proud to be able to read her poem at her service) , or immigrating to a country with a hundred bucks in your pocket and making a success of your life in home and business. Oh and i can't forget a soul mate of the animal -kind who loved and suffered right along with her master.
I guess we only get one shot at living well , i dont mean spending well , or saving well , or anything like that , i think we get opportunities once in a while to show our true colours , i know youve heard me say it before but i have seen some pretty brilliant colours during the last 2 years and we continue to see more and more , some from people weve had to say goodbye to and some only a phonecall away some ive never met or met briefly. I had teh opportunity to sit in with some awesome kids last week in Mr Gripps lunch time bible study at Yale secondary , a group Ashley used to be a part of , pretty cool that this is even allowed in todays schools, anyways just a reminder that there are great kids out there making a difference ,living and serving on purpose, No ... you dont need a bible class or church to do that but for me , maybe them too?, its a way to keep it forefront in our minds, to remind us not to be so cynical,to serve and not always be served.
Last night was awesome, talk about angles out there, the girls and i drove into NVan to attend Ashleys comfort Bags stuffing party at my friend Pattys house, if you saw my status then you would know that Patty started this initiative to create bags for parents at BCCH who have found themselves there overnight unexpectadly, she got this idea from seeing me , darcy , others , (before we got smart and started packing a bag) stuck with no provisions for overnight. Sometimes when you're in the midst of it ,shell shocked and broken and the only thought on your mind is what kinda deal you'll have to make with God to save your baby, the last thing you're thinking about is brushing your hair and thats why you have angles with ideas and angels willing to give. The scene last night was breath-taking, the table heaping with supplies from all YOU angles, over 20 women there stuffing bags for BCCH, if extra then possibly Lions Gate (nvan, which is where most of the women are from) and Abbotsford Regional Hospital,. the ironic part is Ashley was born at Lions Gate , fought at BCCH and passed away at Abbotsford Hospital talk about full circle stuff. Thank you everyone, once again we are blessed and yet think of another mother who lost a child this week at Canuck Place and our friends the Lays (logans family) who have lost everything recently in a house fire (on their anniversay!) like Logans brain cancer wasn't enough, they will spend Christmas this year in a hotel which i'm not sure yet is a step up from their Chritstmas stays at BCCH? Begs the question hey ?Not sure what Christmas will look like for many people this year? Hopefully, find that man with the rake before then
Thanks for reading,
Peace
Lori

Thought , Prayers, Fate...October 2009

Thoughts and Prayers and FateShare
Thursday, October 1, 2009 at 11:06am | Edit Note | Delete
Time to purge my thoughts , i've wanted to do this for several days now but everytime i do something else happens to add to the note ... read it only if you wish i just need to cleanse ...first off i wanted to say just how honoured we were last week to be a part of the Cops for Cancer events. Thank you for your donations and contributions for our bottle drive we raised a couple hundred bucks... not bad!!!! On Wednesday night after a week of compiling and editting my speech i handed it over to Darcy who assured me he would read it word for word .Of course right from the get go in typical man brain he started ad libbing and adding his own "2 bits" worth ..this was quickly shot down when he caught a glimpse of my scowl piercing through him ...back on track...he recovered ....after all this was the point ...teamwork , right? right! Regardless there wasnt a dry eye in the room, they thanked us and told us how much this story will inspire there ride , really it was us that were so inspired and thankful, not that we will benefit from a cure or research(for ashley) but that they showed us how much people care. The church we attend hosted a dinner for them the next night and i know once again my girl had made an impression on them, she continues to teach.The next day we pulled our kids out of school for the morning and were front row at the Cops for Cancer opening ceremonies at the local high school , we were presented a lovely handmade quilt all folded and laid on our lap eerily like a family being presented a flag at a hero soldiers funeral. We were touched, the kids got teddy bears and ball caps it was truly beautiful,cathartic.The last couple weeks of fundraising and events had really taken it out of me , as much as i feel energized by contribuiting to these causes i am exhausted by the end of them i was looking forward to having a quiet weekend ...i don't mean llteral "quiet" that is impossible in this house especiailly during "marriage testing" kitchen renovations(lol), nonetheless. i had no plans , i woke up late on saturday morning, Britt had gone to the neighbours and the big girls crawled in bed with me to tell me about their dreams the night before and their plans for the weekend, i was lazing in my pjs until noon when the phone rang, Darcy answered it and what seemed strange was how fast the conversation was, how there didn't seem to be any words exchanged on the phone and as i saw him fly out the door all i heard was "BRITTANNY BROKE HER ARM ' somehow i went form pjs to half dressed and in the van with brittanny screaming her guts out and Darcy driving like something out of the Rockford Files. We were at ARH in no time and too short of a time from the last time we had been there, i didn't want to be back at this hospital this quick since feb 16 , i wasn't ready but i knew i had no choice. time to put those Big Girl pants on again and face the music. Brittanny was seen right away, most likely so they could give her something to tone down her blood curdling screaming. i was panicked, the medical staff probably thought " oh over emotional mom" yes i was but not for the reasons they thought.As we waited for xrays my nurse, i should say ashleys nurse , shows up to see how were doing , the reason i call her "my" nurse is because i think on feb 16 th she was comforting a whole family not just ashley. i asked her what she was doing down in emerg and the tone in which she said " i needed a change , im not on ped's anymore " told me everything i needed to know. My sister and the girls familiarily took care of the house and chores and my friend sonya who works in the hospital pharmacy came to sit with us on her lunch break as she often did when ashleys was there.This was beginning to feel all to real again as we waited to hear whether the the dr thought we needed surgery. I think our nurse must have told the med staff who we were and that were weren't as crazy as we seem because they seemed to spend alot of time comforting us after that. The xrays came back ..no surgery ... the orthopedic surgeon showed me the pics of the 2 broken bones , i asked him "is that it , do we get to go home?" hes looking at me like...."isnt that enough" im singing and dancing for joy now , you mean no blindside? nothing beyond what we thought ? were not going to childrens? we get to leave TODAY ? like regular parents? no way!!!!after putting brittanny "out" and grossly reducing the fracture while she slept her arm set in a cast we got to go ...of course darcy calm as a cucumber "ssee i told ya" as we were getting ready to leave the trauma room a girl had been wheeled in she had been in a car accident not wearing a seatbelt , flew through the sunroof and had major bleeding and head injuries. As sonya and i could hear this we gasped and held our mouths shaken for what the parents will be going through.
Fate .... Monday evening we get a call form Brad , Sonya 's husband they are at Childrens Hosptial , their 15 year old daughter Sam (christys childhood friend) fell off her skateboard and has head injuries was air-lifterd to Childrens . i couldnt beileve it , how twisted fate can be. Sam's conditon is unknown at this point , showing some response ..awesome! been taken off the ventilator...awesome!..out of ICU.... awesome ! Still out of it and unsure of whats next but please keep Samantha , Sonya Brad and Kyle in your thoughts and prayers pray for a speedy recovery and comfort for all of them. Childrens hospital can be a scary place when you are facing the unknown . I talked to Sonya yesterday ,she sounds like she is staying postive and they are dealing with what they have to deal with...survival mode... , she tells me Sam is on 3r the ward next to ashleys , they even have one of Ashleys nurses who remembers her , Sonya tells me she thinks ashley was there with her,sams guardian angel that day, i belleive her because when i asked sonia what i could bring her ..toothbrush,toothpaste etc she told me that when she arrived completely unprepared at Childrens she was given a parent bag which contained the essentials parents would need to get by a couple nights should they find themselves at BCCH unexpectadly... i nearly started crying .. not sure if i told you back in May my girlfriend Patty started this initialtive with an other friend of hers who sells a cosmetic line to put together parent bags for parents at BCCH , she got this idea when she would visit me and see shell-lshocked moms wandering around with no "lady supplies" they ran the idea by the powers that be at BCCH and it was implemented ,we spent a night stuffing bags and they were later distrbuted. and my friend Sonya got one ...it takes many angels to be affected by someones circumstances and to see things come together. It has been a whirlwind week for us but nothing compared to the fear and anxiety another family is facing this week ...we pray for their peace

Peace,
lori

Britt is recovering fine and enjoying all the attention a cast can bring.

White Butterfly....September 2009

white butterfly
Tuesday, September 15, 2009 at 12:18am | Edit Note | Delete
I can feel the change in the air , Fall is upon us, I suppose some see Autumn as a death others see it as a rebirth i just see it as a change reminiiscent of our lives, always transforming from one form to another.

Summer is over and by looking at our pictures you'd probably think it was a pretty normal looking summer ,we had BBQ's and went camping and spent time living outdoors in the pool basking in the sun, and despite the great losses lately we had an ok summer. I suppose from an onlookers point of view one would think its the big milestones and significant dates we have hard times with , this is true, but strangely it is the season changes that give us the biggest difficulties , the concept of what the season "should" or "would " have brought internally and intuitively. I guess before we just did everything on autopilot now its kinda like not having a gps to rely on, not sure which direction we should be going, strange people in a strange land. Thanks though to family and friends the girls saw a pretty good summer, they did alot , played alot and thanks to Camp Good times they healed alot . I remember discussing with some people a while ago our summer plans i told them about my kids going to camp, someone piped up and said "oh i dont think i could ever send my kids to camp" i thought for a second( in my snide lori mind) " yeah well have you ever lost a child before and been left with three grieving siblings that need a place to go to heal to grieve and have fun again" ( the new and improved lori actually didnt open her mouth and allow those words to escape), i just smiled and said "isn't that nice for you.." .( not snide at all hey). Darcy and i transformed the backyard after a couple years of neglect into our place of peace... we constructed, gardened , built and bickered over silly decisons like deck stain and plant hangers . and as we toiled along I could not help but notice a moth fly frequently amongst us as we built, constructed, played, laughed, cried and bickered...someitimes i would even say to myself "watch the moth" as it would fly close to the kids as they played in the pool,( how silly is that) One time this creature actually brushed the side of britts's face as we stood in Ashleys garden...weird. I wondered why we never saw the colorful butterflies considering we had gone to such great lengths to purchase " butterfly attracting plants" anyways this little moth kept appearing at the strangest of times , birthdays , anniversaries , hard tearful days,happy days, and just plain playful days, there it would be landing close to the food or sometimes flying with a friend., You can probably imagine what i started thinking about this little moth , one day i stopped calling it a moth and referred to it as a white butterfly.. and i reminded those around me that it was now a white butterfly . it was no longer a moth , it transformed in my mind.The story doesnt end here..stay with me...

Recenlty we had been asked to join forces with the Cops for Cancer by fundraising and sharing our story( see the note at end of this) so last night when i was trying to add butterflies to the webpage (as you know this was the symbol of Ashleys journey) i went online to check out the symbolism of the butterfly , as i was looking i noticed a page for white butterflies i clicked on it and when i did i nearly fell off my flippin chair... the Irish(which we are) symbolism and folklore behind the white butterfly is that it represents the transformation of a dead childs soul ressurection into something greater than before ...i gasped i couldn't believe what i was reading... i don't usually buy into that airy faisry stuff and not sure i f i believe that people turn into animals, bugs, leprochauns or other beings after they die( although maybe some should) but what i do believe is that maybe this white butterfly is flying about to tell us that she is right here in everything we do she is present playing , watching, building,communicating, celebrating, she is not gone she is a reminder that she is doing something really great something beyond this world. I will miss this butterfly in the coming months as i will miss what Ashley should be doing ...graduating...getting her drivers licesnce...planning her future ...driving me crazy... sometimes i feel rippped off...alithough, i know these things are transient "they to shall pass" but i think about what she has taught me and what she already knew in her young life about serving others and how fulll her life was , i am reminded of this when i see the white butterfly, she continues to do wonderful things and lead us to beautiful places.


Yesterday we had to make a choice ...do we walk in the SPCA Paws for a Cause or do we run in the Terry Fox run?,,,hmm considering we don't have Sophy anymore it was a hard decision ...we chose to walk for the SPCA my sister and her family biked in the Terry Fox run decorating their bikes with pictures of Ashley( she was actually recognized by some people my sister said...cool) ...we chose to remember that Ashley was about loving animals and she had such a heart for sad animals she would have loved to walk for the SPCA so this was for her (considering my dog loving skills) i think she and Sophy would have been proud of us, we borrowed our neighbour kids and their dog and had a pretty good time. Our friends the "Lays" ran the Terry Fox run and Logan was given the Rick Hansen award , and so she should, i do believe that she will see the benefit of a cure...

We work on healing now and we have to remember that Ashley was more than just cancer she was about serving ,whether vounteering or caring for animals or fasting for a famine, for her faith(also bilically symoboslized by a butterfly) or for so many other causes she knew the importance of helping others, and strangley enough she still serves .. greatness.

So as summer transforms to fall and our lives change from one form to another i wait til next year for my little white butterfly to return . perspective.

Peace Love and butterflies all around
lori


Cops For Cancer
We have joined forces with the Cops for Cancer team to help raise funds for not only a cure for kids cancer but to help families dealing with the devestaion emotionally and financially. Cops for Cancer also raises money for the amazing camp Goodtimes my kids took part in this year. We are not setting a huge goal so please know that any amount helps 2... 5...10 dollars it all helps ..if you'd like to help.just follow the link on my facebook we totally appreciate it .. or if you'd like to drop off bottles/ cans at our garage door for our bottle drive that would be great too. Thanks everyone. The Lowey family

Beautiful...September 2009

probably the most beautiful and comforting idea i've ever read
Saturday, September 5, 2009 at 10:04pm | Edit Note | Delete
Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world.She especially enjoyed the love she saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day she saw suffering in the world.She approached God and sadly asked, “Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?” God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people’s hearts.” The little soul was confused. “What do you mean,” she asked.” God replied, “Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone.” The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, “The suffering soul unlocks the love in people’s hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer - to unlock this love – to create this miracle - for the good of all humanity."

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain herself. With her wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people’s hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you. God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced.

In parting, God said, “Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed.” Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through her suffering and God’s strength, she unlocked the goodness and love in people’s hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys – some regained lost faith – many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased.

6 months..August 2009

6 months
Tuesday, August 18, 2009 at 10:42pm | Edit Note | Delete
On sunday we drove home from a quick weekend getaway to see some family and friends ..as we were driving it hit me that it was the 16th of August an unbelievable six months since we said goodbye to our beautiful daughter and sister. Sometimes its hard to know whether to blurt information like this out or to just let everyone discover it on their own, just in case it ir results in veering off the coquhialla in tears. One thing i have realized is that we all have different ways of coping and that there really isnt any textbook formula for getting through grief, sometimes it comes on like a tornado knkocks you to the ground and other times it lies dormant like a sneaky predator and much of the time its just a feeling of "being right next door." What i do know is that were all unique and grieving shows you just how much. Its a strange thing really when something traumatic in life happens to someone, we kind of want to peek in, to know how one gets through it , we watch, we observe , we learn and we analyze. Before tragedy struck us i watched others going through this and looked for clues on how they managed through it , some crawled into a shell , others packed up sold everything and went on adventure ...a realization there life would never be normal again... i know i am neither one of those people , athough i thought about doing both many a times. I dont have any answers for coping with grief , i couldn't write a book on it , i couldn't counsel through it, its only been 6 months but i do know that my family, friends and faith are key to my survival , first two slightly obvious , but faith , faith in what ? Well i guess i believe that my daughter is is in a much safer place whatever that looks like , my humanness , my motherness wants her back its the ego part of me , but my soul knows that she is saying to me :" mom, this place is amazing , im ok, if you saw this place you wouldnt want to go back either, i've got it better then you, , i am whole and i am in the presence of such beauty and love , i am with God...i am creating a place for you here and that is what i imagined her doing on August 7 creating a place...i envisoned her turning around and seeing her best friend in the whole world scampering up to her licking her face and Ashley greeting her with open arms. I suppose i should explain - the girls(all 3 ) went to camp goodtimes for a week , camp goodtimes is an incredible camp for children and siblings of children with cancer or bereaved siblings of cancer . My children had a phenomemal time i think it changed them forever , they formed beautiful relationships and were in the presence of some of ashleys former dr's , they were with people who finally "got it" understood their grief, their loss, their pain , stuff even darcy and i didnt always "get" Their time was mixed with adventure , joy, tears and coping. I was so proud of them. I missed them terribly and was so thrilled for their experience when i saw them, their camp stories spilled out of them like an overfilled glass of water . Unfortunately they returned right back to reality when they learned and saw how sick sophy (ashleys dog) had been while they were gone...for those of you who followed the blog last year then you know sophy was ashleys soul mate, that she too was diagnosed with cancer a few months after ashley was ..they actually had a very similar surgery within days of eachother last June. Sophys cancer was back and her battle eerily similar, in fact, when i took sophy into the vet they suggested we put her down that very night , do you know that as i checked back on the dates it was exactly 14months to the day sophy was diagnosed ...ashleys journey as you recall was 14months to the day. Uncertain of how to handle it we decided to phone the kids at camp to explain the story and give then the option of saying good bye should the need arise , i wanted them to have the opportunity to say goodbye this time. They were sad and emotional and so existential for their tender age, Sophy ended up waiting an extra day for them to come home before saying goodbye. It was hard to say farewell to Sophy she was like a living reminder of ashley , although i'm not a huge dog person sophy was a member of this family and had been since ashleys 7th birthday, but again we knew where she was going and who would be greeting her at the gates ...now how can that picture in my mind get any better than that( ok well second best pic).We will do something special in rememberance of sophy and ashley together again. And from the words of Brittany "no tears and no scars in heaven"
So to say that life has been calm and peaceful around here would not be indicative of our time right now , unfortunatley life and death continues to unfold regardless., we have had to say goodbye to our dear friend angie, our dog sophy and my amazing stepfather mike who was such a cornerstone in our life, a man of humility despite his great successes in life, someone i truly learned form,he will be greatly missed one of my favourite people. As i visited my grandmother this weekend i knew it was probably going to be the last time i saw her ,she gave away some of her belongings and as i wanted to stop her i knew how important it was for her to pass these on , she is amazing and in one of those fleeting moments again you realize how precious life is how transient and indiscriminant it can really be. so it teaches you how you really need to have a pretty darn good understanding or okayness of what life and death means ...maybe its our own gratification our own need to control, our own limited capacity that gives us such a horrid feeling of death , we want so many answers and are unwilling to be ok with "not haviing all the answers" with "building a mystery"and just believing ,... i don't know... i don't have all the answers , i dont know how were getting through this , i don't know if it gets better or worse ...i know others are grieving right along with us and have been changed forever too so i guess we just keep on keeping on( oncology parent motto). We have done alot of things to keep us distracted ,occupied, busy ...buliding a new normal ...renovations , back to work, fundraising, creating legacies,escaping, holidaying, appreciating today, giving up control (hahaha) i don't know if we are delaying or prolonging the grief or just putting time in between thoughts., its hanging on to faith, sometimes by just a thread,whatever it is it is our grief and its our coping right wrong or unique its what were doing. Thanks for reading.

Peace,
Lori

Wow..August 2009

wow
Saturday, August 8, 2009 at 12:51am | Edit Note | Delete
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something."

She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She said: "How is my little boy? Is he going to be all right? When can I see him?"

The surgeon said, "I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it."

Sally said, "Why do little children get cancer? Doesn't God care any more? Where were you, God, when my son needed you?"

The surgeon asked, "Would you like some time alone with your son? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university."

Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. "Would you like a lock of his hair?" the nurse asked.

Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally.

The mother said, "It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. "I said no at first, but Jimmy said, 'Mom, I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom." She went on, "My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting to help others if he could."

Sally walked out of Children's Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car.

The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room.

She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She laid down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep.

It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Laying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. The letter said:

"Dear Mom, I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say "I Love You". I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room
and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things us boys do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don't be sad thinking about me. This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to see GOD ! And guess what, Mom? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you. God said for me
to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him 'Where was He when I needed him?' "God said He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children. Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see what I've written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool? I have to give God His pen back now. He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm sure the food will be great.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore. The cancer is all gone. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery! How about that?

Signed with Love from God, Jesus & Me.

To My Daughter on her 17th Birthday

To My Daughter on Her 17th Birthday
Monday, July 6, 2009 at 1:44pm | Edit Note | Delete
Every year on my kids birthday i write them a letter ..its one of those rituals you start with your firstborn cause you thought it was such a simple thing to do yet by the time you've had your fourth you feel like you're writing a letter everytime you turn around.This year was no exception although i had to start and stop it several times throughout.
In the letter i usually record their previous years accomplishments , milestones and hurdles . My plan was to give these letters to my kids on some special day like their wedding or 21st birthday (hopefully not after there first tattoo lol) or whatever. I have no idea what I will do with the last 17 years of letters i have written but they are tucked away for the day i decide to look at them and bear them again. This years letter i again talked about the hurdles she'd overcome the milestones she had reached and her amazing accomplishments and just how damn proud i am of her , not so much about what she learned this year but more about how much she taught us this year ,how her life has effected so many others. I told her about all the places she has travelled this year,although mostly on her own, cause i couldn't be there to hold her hand through them all . I told her how much money she raised for Cancer and BCCH .... I told her that this year again she was recognized by her school and teachers for her outstanding accomplishments physically and academically and that she may not get a schoalraship but that she will be giving one with her name on it . I told her about how she managed to make her dr's cry this time instead of the other way around., i hope she knows that because of her stay at the abbotsford hopital new structures are being put in place for caring for kids like her incluiding a pet-stay program for critically ill children. She must see that her nurses show up at church sometimes , that i pat the dog more, ... i told her about the complete strangers and good friends who ran in her name and cut their hair , how there are now overnight bags for parents at BCCH because of her and just whom she inspired ..that her sisters write poetry and quotes about her to say " i love you" Told her that her best friend iis in love with some guy half way around the world and that she needs to be here to check him out for her...that a very nice boy sits with Christy in church and how i know she would be jabbin christy the whole time if she were here...I hope she sees that there have been family connections and repairs made just because of her, and that most people who knew her cant help but think about her when they see a butterfly. I described her butterfly garden to her but i know shes getting a way better view of it from where she is. I told her about all the symbolsim in her garden and even some of the things that SHE planted before it became her garden. I told her about the beautiful 17 butterflies we released on her birthday and a special one for sophys birthday.how her cousins tried to recapture them after so as not to let her go....how she still recieved beautiful birthday gifts even though shes not here to open them. I told her how much longer it took and harder it was to build the hot tub deck because she wasnt here to help her dad and that the rest of us girls are pretty useless at that kinda stuff. I asked her to comfort her dad if he decides to go fishing this year cause i don't think it will be easy without his fishing partner. Mothers day and Fathers day just wasn't the same without her considering she was what originially made us have those days. I apologized to her for alot of things that i wish were different and that im sorry i couldnt trade places with her.
I told her how much her spirit lives on and that we talk about her everyday that her room has stayed clean and that we love to hang out in her room... its so peaceful and lively at the same time.Brittanny thinks that every "wierd" thing that happens is her spirit...that she writes popstar songs in her name and sings them with huge drama(its beautiful)I told her about Stef accepting an award in her name and how much stef looks like her when she borrows her clothes and that christy woke up to a song called "christy are you doin ok" the morning after, timing is wierd ...hard to not think there is something bigger controlling timing . I also described to her a book i had been reading and how many similarities there was in the story, except for the ending ..however when we decided to see the movie the ending changed and fit a little more ..its that timing thing, like when the book was written before we knew how OUR story would end and then the ending for the movie changed when you left us... how i think they must have filmed the movie right from your hospital room.
I let her know that she still has facebook and recieves messages frequently ,how it comforts me, i told her she was a packrat, I find funny things she kept over the years , found her name carved into the tree outback... never noticed it before...i picture her walking barefoot in the backyard and tying knots in the silliest things. I told her that although its almost been 5 months some days are as painful as the first. I ask her to tell me what its like where she is and that i am trying to be a good person so i can be with her when my time comes , somedays are harder than others( to be a good person..lol.) learned about humility the other day ...trying to work on that one! Somedays we can distract ourselves , but only temporarily,its a mind game grief plays on you... i remind myself that maybe you're looking down on us trying to say youve got the better deal, and you probably do because there is so much pain down here and i know there is no pain where you are so continue watching over us , put in a good word for us and please dont roll your eyes when we do stupid things or bicker ..were only human...and believe it or not some things are becoming a little bit ok ish now, the girls are pleased i dont nag about grades and messy rooms as much and that your dad has turned the backyard into a kingdom for them(probably so they never leave home) I finally read "the giver" thanks... funny how you knew i needed to read it , haven't been able to pick up "little women" from where we left off but hope to by your next letter.Your sisters are going to aunties house for a few days ..be with them all .Anyways miss you like crazy and love you to the moon with a cherry on top.


Peace,
Mom

Ashleys Music..June 2009

Ashleys music
Tuesday, June 23, 2009 at 9:05am | Edit Note | Delete
Ok , ive had alot of requests for the playlist for Ashleys music at the service . It has taken me awhile to be able to sit down and go through the music ...but here it is..i must say that this compilation had much thought and symbolism put into it by a variety of those who knew her best as well as her favourites too. The list could have gone on and on but this is some of what was important for all of us to remember such an awesome person. Ashley had a very eclectic taste in music...some of it very childlike and some of it quite sophisticated..she wasnt a huge trend follower(surprise surprise ..not!) or crap music listener...she chose music that reflected her life and mood , so for every song listed there are choruses/verses that are absoutely haunting at times. As i mentioned there are some definite obvious songs and others are ways we indiviually remembered her as immediate family ..extended family (her aunts, cousins, grands..etc) and friends... i hope you enjoyed the music and hope you think of her when a song strikes a chord with you..please comment below or privately if a song resonates with you.Thank you to her uncle JAson for recording..Mr Mcconchie and the yale concert band(ashleys band) for scoring the "in another time" ..for tracking down ashleys solo flute piece ..and for the concert and song dedication at last years concert dedicated piece (" in another time" ) which brought instant tears to my eyes... thank you to cascade church worship team for their live performance of .......thank you to my sisters for helping compile the music..here it is


Procession: "ONLY TIME" by Enya
"who can say where the road goes when the day flows....
coincidence ..my spiritual counelllor heard this song while flowing down the river in the mayan the morning ashley passed as she said a prayer for us...she wasnt back in time for her service ..had no idea we played the song as the procession..werid huh..This was also a song she would liten to to relax when getting procedures done.

1."CiIRCLE OF LIFE" by Elton John during the service...Ashley loived this song loved all disney songs had many of them on her ipod and it was her fave movie ...fitting

2.AVA MARIA by Josh Grolin ..bendiction
Ashley loved classics

3."IN ANOTHER TIME" Yale concert band /ashleys flute solo..end of service..


Back ground music
IN ANOTHER TIME..Vocals..line in teh song "I remember your smile"
PACHABLES "CANNNON" ..Ashley loved to relax to music played this on the piano at the hospital
"HAKUNA MITATA"..Disney .."Means no worries for the rest of your days"( knowing thats true for her now)
"FOREVER YOUNG" Rod Stewart...words she lived by
"I WILL REMEMBER YOU' Sarah mcLachlan...self explanatory
"ITS ONLY LIFE' Kate Voelege..sisters choice...line... "i'll be your steeping stone , youre not alone , don't loose your faith dont run away...."
"I HOPE YOU DANCE' Leeann Womack....mother/daughter advice she lived by
"HOME' MIchael Buble special signiificance because she always wanted to "go home" from hospital , she got to meet mIchael Buble ..well actaully i forced her to and there is a funny story behind that with her firend Baylee
IN THE ARMS OF AN ANGEL' Sarah Mclachlan..she was in the the arms of an angel ..sure of that..dreamt it
OH SWEET PEA...not sure the artist..when she was a baby her dad dedicated a song on the radio to her and this was the song they played ..it became a song and name we sang to her.
YOU GOTTA FRIEND IN ME.. TOY STORY/DISNEY this one was for all her good friends ..she was a good loyal friend ive been told
BEAUTIFUL DAY..U2.... seems like a strange song to have at a service but the words i liked..was all the things she may see now and as sad aas the day was we tried to make it a beautiful day for her
YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE..long version Anne Murray..well the hardest song of all used to sing it to her ..but was also for her sisters

Cascade Worship Team : Jason , Wendy(her nurse) and Rachel
Songs : Power of Your Love
: There is A Redeemer
: The River.

Thanks Everyone!

childrun 2009...June 2009

childrun 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009 at 11:09am | Edit Note | Delete
Its been a while since i've written, i've been a little preoccupied with going back to work(very p/t), getting yard work done and oh yeah CHILDRUN. If you've been around me at all in the last couple months you know that has been all i've probably talked about or reminded you about on facebook I think it has kept me disitracted which is kind of almost an oxymoron because the childrun is undoubetdly and completely all about childrens cancer. Last year was our first year running( i use the word running very loosely) This year our team grew by several more people and i hope it continues to do so because i think i have decided to keep with it...i think?...read on.
I really hadn't given much thought beyond the academic part of the childrun, the setting up of the website, registration , building the team, printing pledge forms , ordering tshirts , making signs , planning a bbq etc etc. I based this years preparation on last years experience ..we were newbees last year so i knew what to do different this year...however there was something very different about it this year and nothing i could plan for. Last year we could feel the money that went into oncolology research it was tangible for us we were benefitting, we had results ..this year was a whole new ball game, was i on top of the early preparation? was i able to rally a few more dollars ? did i grow our team grow by a few? ..yes! to all those questions. What i did not plan for was the excrutaiitng reality of taking the Grandview exit and turning left on Oak st to an old frightneing familiar place i like to call hell. Perhaps that is true strong of a word there are some great things about BCCH ,however, memories are not one of them. I did realize that i would more than likely run into a few people i knew, what i did not know realize that when we went to visit 3B how the wall of kids pictures would have grown in such a short period of time how the faces were all so new which represented just how many new cases there was. what i didn't plan for was the smell of the hospital the familiar markings on the walls i found myself staring at so blankly day after day month after month.The closed "parent meeting room door"and my panic for those on the other side of it. I imagined a triumphant feeling of crossing the finish line another step towards closure, that was not the case. This year i was the newbee.
On friday afternoon i was naively planning on driving into bcch to pick up the run packages and to meet my friend patty afterwards for her 43rd bday(sorry patty) dinner at earls on broadway, as the time for me to leave approached i felt the anxiety of having to face that place again(bcch) ,God must have known i needed a couple extra days to prepare for my first time back or that i needed my other kids with me because i got stuck in traffic and patty picked it up for me , we met after as planned and i felt relief for not having to face the demons for another day or two. I went home that night and had a glass or four of wine with my neighbours and a campfire and all was good for another day. We had a bbq the next night to prepare for the run , collect the money, make the signs etc...another glass or four of vino and another campfire and ready to go the next morning(i am not advocating wine as a cure all but hey i think its in the bible somewhere too ,,,turning water into wine ..sounds good to me i'll stick with that) The next day was the blast and when i say blast i mean blast , no short cut out of it no peace and calm about it , we had tired kids, nervous kids, sick kids, nervous parents, stressed parents etc etc. we started the run in tears and ended in tears , not real obvious ones , just ones that could be comforted by hugs form friends and family. So no, there was no big epiphany at the end no huge PDA"s as a matter of fact the first thing the kids said when we crossed the line was can we go get a sno cone.plllleeeaaasee. ...fine and life goes on .. i dont even think i gathred everyone at the same time for a pic ..oh well...i resorted to the fact that this wasn't about closure or facing our demons and winning, it was abut the bottom dollar it was about raising money for childhood cancer ...did you know that to write a research grant for anything involving childhood cancer ,even if its to see if a new drug will combat nausea costs about 100,00.00, and every "T" must be crossed and every"I" must be dotted or its scrapped . So, it is for the kids still fighting, the superheroes...but first and foremost it was for my superhero not because the research and money will do her any good now but it was to carry a sign to let the world know that yes 80% of kids make it through cancer but that leaves 20% that don't , my daughter is not a statistic she was a person she was a superhero too and she deserves to be remembered as one , so look at her name look at her birhtdate on the sign look at her deathdate.. she fought and we are her family and friends and we are here to let you know that this is what cancer does and this is why we run not just to raise the money but to let the world know that they left a mark on the world, they went to war , they fought a battle, some won, some lost but there is aftermath there is destruction and devesataion..they are all heroes. I am so proud of everyone , our team , my kids , my friends , my donors, my husband (who had a difficult difficult time ,) We came home and vegged we were so emotionally done ,and as we sat in the backyard reeling from the day a butterfly flew right by Darcy and i and we knew it was Ashley saying "good job guys" another marker reached another emotional purge, another way to tell the world about my beautiful girl and her amazing sisters. I congratulate "logan is our angel team" the lady bugs, they won the community award and so they should they show us consistently what support is all about and how we all need it, they've been at it along time and its moments like these that show the world their bravery too.And i know it is this years run money that will cure Logan, Angie and the other troopers Thank you to everyone who supported us once again..you're awesome, it is June the kids will be out of school soon, yeah summer, it is Ashleys bday on the 29th and again we will face another hard day and again we will find a way to make it through i have faith in that.

peace ,
Lori