Commonground dec 11 2008

commonground dec 11 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008 at 11:10am | Edit Note | Delete
Hello Everyone ,
Thought i would take a moment and update everyone about recent activity in our home as it is quite confusing and hard to keep up with.
As some of you may know Ashley was fortunate enough to be able to start a new experimntal chemo regimen, well when i say lucky i use that term looslely , Ashley would probably hit me if she heard the word "lucky"Ashley started the first round NOv 7 th and was to recieve the second part of the first round one week later , we were hoping for a one day infusion but as you well know ashleys tolerance is quite low , due to nuisance complications she was in nearly a month with a few days off in between. She got out monday the 1st.
Ashley was lucky enough to enjoty a few days home visiting with her cousins who made a trip down from Lumby to cheer her up, She was still tired and low in energy but we all had a great time, it was a wonderful distraction and plenty of laughter.*
We came back this past Monday for an overnight 2nd round of chemo, why i tell myself "overnight" this far in the game is beyond me , i should be seasoned enough now to never "assume "anything...well you all know the addage on that one. Ashley develpoed a fever in the middle of the night and if memory serves me correctly thats an automatic 14 day antibiotic stay. So after 10 rounds of chemo countless infections and blah blah blah here we are a little numb , alittle seasoned , apparently sronger (however iwonder how having been bashed over the head so many times actually makes you stronger)maybe even a little cynical at times but still searching the "faith" thing and finding gratitude , and stumbling across commonalities everywhere.
Speaking of which, the other day i asked a friend, new to facebook, to join christys group"Ashley we love you" She assured me she did and when i checked i noticed her name wasnt on there, she told me the words she used in the search engine, looking closely i noticed it was "we love you ashley" so i clicked on to it and sure enough theres another similar group. I was curious so i read her bio and low and behold there is another girl named Ashley with a wonderful sister who started a medical support group for her sister. It appears that this girl... aka Ashley ..was in a very serious car accident and was clinging to life for a time , it appeared she was improving but reading her notes i realized she too had an aunt named Lisa and many friends and family and strangers who loved her and all said they would pray for her , i wondered what this girls life was like before tragedy struck , i'm sure she was alittle bit older than my Ash but still too young to have such trauma in her life. I wondered if she was carefree and free spirited before, if she was wise beyond her years, was she stubborn and outspoken,did she love her dog , did she have a belief in God or would her new lease on life give her perspective and what about all those people who said they'd pray for her , would they really , would this make them see that there is something beyond this realm that there needs to be something or someone to turn to in these times. whatever they may call it, God, Buddha ,Universe This Ashley was from the U.S it sounded like maybe from one of those hospitals that you hear about on primteime medical tv shows. Anyways i've joined her group (along with my friend) she'll probably never know who i am or why i joined but maybe she'll jsut be grateful that so many people that she doesnt know are praying for her ...really praying for her and sharing a common human experience. I am asking you to encourage others you know to join our daughters"ashley we love you" group , i think its a great way to tie us all together, i know people put down facebook etc but it is a wonderful tool to reach out to others where other means may not be so possible.
. We are thankful to all those who have joined , please pass it on it is very encouraging. Wishing you all opportunities to see our commanalities instead of differences, particularly at this time of year.

Peace
Lori
p.s. Spirit of angels is another one of those commanalities we all share especially this time of year..wanting to reach out to others in need....created by a fellow oncology mom (Jen, west coast families writer) and friend to support and enrich the lives of those suffering this time of year. This event is to provide gifts and financial help to those stuck at childrens hospital and Ronald McDonald house over Christmas while their child fights the cancer battle. It is a stressful time of the year for these families emotionally, financially and spirtually...a tough place to be when many others are celebrating at home their real home, they make the best of it but its still a tough go. A thought to consider if youre looking to make a difference this year. As well, if you can ,give blood if youre so inclined....major shortage,We all need it and we alll have it ...we can all share it,its another commonground thing , maybe even karamtic. im sure Ashley alone has consumed more than a typical twilight vampire this year...Thanks.

Faith Hope and Fair Nov 20 2008

What is Faith , Hope and FairShare
Thursday, November 20, 2008 at 10:58am | Edit Note | Delete
I began this note from room 6 on 2B at Childrens hospital , i will likely finish it at home because our days right now are back to 48 hour shifts between darcy and i , needless to say we see eacthother for about 20 mins every second day, some of you may think this the ideal relationship, well the novelty has worn off, and the world goes round and round, and we are back to that feleing of never feeling like youre at the right place because your children are in two different places and they all need you at the same time, yes, i know what youre saying "our kids need us" yes they do, usuallly when we cannot be there, thats the unfair part about it. But they are generally always with at least one of us, which many families have to deal with in one form or another,. This week in hospital has been bitterweet , The Doc's have put Ashley on a an experimental new chemo regime, we are very thankful for the discovery and have a little re-newed hope, the wonderful part about it was that it was only to be a one day infusion two firdays in a row considered one round of chemo , this was to be done as an outpatient but our sensitive tummied little girl does not interact too well with any chemo and she has been quite sick, drehydrated and has lost weight so she is moving in to 2B for a bit. We have also recieved some quality advice/ products as a gift by a trusted friend who manufactures vitamins etc. we are not suggesting we have found a "moonbeams and spices" approach to cancer but we wil begin working on supporting Ashley's immune system,something the dr's admit is an area tthat they dont particularly concentrate on(unbelievable)!!!! We have also contacted an herblist through a trusted friend as well so we are feeling like we have some options and oh yeah !!!! faith!!!!!always faith!!some thing that strengthens and weakens like the wind.I have learned to pay attention to the things that flow easily into my life , listening to this and paying close still attention to these things are gifts that we need at a particular time, the trick is to be aware of it, the things/people that are right there in front of us are offering themselves...listen
As the one year mark approaches i look for renewed strenth i am acutley reminded daily of the little things that are leading up to the diagnosis anniversary , the haunting season that approaches us and how Chritmas is intermingled in there somewhere, we ponder how best to celebrate it t his year , one thing i know for sure is that if were all together no matter where, it will be enough. What about you? Whats imortant to you? What is unnecessary?
I dont think i will be sending out the obligiatory christmas cards this year however i will be sending you all my happiest Chritsmas thoughts, i will not be spending this precious time navigating nasty poeple in the mall for crappy "one more gift" ideas , i am not going to attend every xmas invitaion that i dont really want to be at anyways , i will not bake the xmas cookies that no one eats anyways... i may just buy them instead,perfection will not be anything to aspire to ...I will look forward to listening to choirs this year, really listening , I will think of the unfairness of the poeple stuck in the hospital for Chritmas , but there is unfairness everywhere, it is what i keep in mind everytime i wonder "why" i have to wonder how fair it was that little girls this week were burned with acid as they tried to go to school in Afghanistan, i have to wonder about the fairness of human trafficking , even in this country, in vancouver it exists. How fair is it that some kids don't have someone to tuck them in to bed everynight , there is nothing just about it,its relaizing that life aint fair its about accepting ( i dont even know how i can say this right now becasure im still on the path of it ) but i am reminded about acceptance as i meet people like Kims sister...Kim is a 14 year old year old girl who has cancer , her parents are chinese immigrants and they live on the island they are back and forth for treatment all the time. Kims sister is 18 she is kims caregiver while in the hospital, she feeds kim , she cleans up after Kim, she entertains kim,knows all kims meds and protocolsl, Kims parents run a restaurant on the island and work very hard to keep the family going, they are in the proccess of trying to sell their restaurant and move to vanocuver to be closer to the hospital. Kims sister was supposed to start at UBC this year , she told me she put it off for a year because taking care of Kim is more important and school can wait for this...and what is this girl going to UBC for? yep ...she is going to be a pediatric oncology pharmacist, talk about inspiring, talk about unselfishness and things that may seem unfair.Aren't sisters wonderful. I have watched alot of people go home from the hospital this week cancer free , my heart sings for them i am so happy for them they have travelled a long road , some of them started after us and some before it doesn't matter the desire to be in their world right now is undescribable and as i hug the moms i can feel the sigh of relief and empathy in their heart , we are so happy for them all , you give us re-newed hope.
Thank you everyone for all your support and extra comfort and your unique wonderful ways of walking beside us.

Peace,
Lori

News From Us This Week nov 4 2008

news from us this week
Tuesday, November 4, 2008 at 1:24pm | Edit Note | Delete
I have tried sitting down to write a new note several times in the last week and just haven't beena able to muster it up. This note will not prove to be creative or witty however i hope it comes out with a positive message, my words have been chosen carefully even if it looks like im angry and pissed off , it has been a long time coming, so bear with me.
Last Monday evening our dr.phoned us at home, of course my first question was Do you have results from the PET scan? The next words out of his mouth sent me back to Dec.16 2007 , the same blindside the same kick in the gut, only worse because the 1st time I only understood cancer form a very naive point of view and now i was facing it with too much knowledge about what this friggin disease has the power to do.
I had a feeling that maybe we might be facing some progression in some areas but apparently it is worse then "a bit " of progression, it has moved to her back ( ican't say the word spine) lungs and the other side of her liver(the side that wasn't radiated). so what does that mean??? well apparently the pain we thought was tumor dying was actually tumor growing...what a sick cruel joke.
The next night we were called into one of those lovely parent meetings , you know the ones , the ones where i cant seem to look at the dr. in the face because of the range of emotion i am experiencing towards him at this momnet, we were also joined by a pain management dr, wow where was she for the last 6 weeks.. The meeting ...3 hours , i will spare you the details, i will spare you the words i uttered over and over again, but i can assure you whatever you are feeling right now is magnified by numbers that i cannot calculate right now. Darcy as well ,full of questions and unbelivability, but ,as we left feeling emotionally raped we were greeted by a good friend a bottle of wine in the hospital lobby*(discretly of course...like i care... was actually hoping someone would say something, no one dared) We arrived home at 11:30 that night , we stopped to get Christy a box of Halloween candy at the new 24 hour Shoppers Drug mart(nice store) she called to tell me was "a must" for school the next day. My sister asleep with the girls mustered her way back home and we lie there for several more hours on the couch watching tv aimlessly trying to sort through information overload. We have been home alot hanging out together, watching movies, hanging out with teh kids cousins.
The plan...well.... previous chemo is not working, the old plan is now scrapped like old garbage, Ashley will try a new experimanetal drug(chemo) to see what it will do and to keep from spreading, , she has great
pain meds now and radiation all this week for her back(spine).Her radiation is here in this great new hospital in Abbotsford, which we are so grateful for. What the outcome will be is not for us to say only to pray for.How is Ashley ...mad and sad as hell becuase that is what she is going through... pure f'n hell, Of ocurse they set up psychology appouintments the next day so they ccould over state the obvious and offer suggestions that seem generic. Ashley has decided to output that energy creatively , she is painting a beautiful mural on her bedroom walls, a forest scene , with deer and animals and trees and clarity because if you know Ashley then you know her appreciation and love for these things,it will be her serenity place her escape, we are so prould of her , she just turns it around everytime.
If you are asking "why " questions about the medical care etc, or what else dr's could have done...its complicated and not questions i haven't asked a million times ,however , cancer has a mind of its own. Am i mad ...yes, at things that might seem wierd, watching my daughter not being able to go to a school dance , watching her friends go on with their lives, uncompassion, pettiness,God, self absobtion, this whole last year, family members,christmas, rudeness, ungratefulllness,tv, . I have much to be gratful for though too , some really great peole in our lives, hope,God, good advice , silence, compassion, understanding.... and mostly our family, we have drawn closer yet again and are so grateful for our beautiful children.
I am sorry if ive sounded pissy...actually know im not, this is the reality, this is what it does to you, in some ways, it has made us fight even harder which is what were up against now , a tougher , harder fight, how im not sure yet we are looking at naturopath stuff and whatever else i can get my hands on, feel fre to solicit reasonable advice. we are pulling it together, some days bad and other days not quite as bad, but we live this moment and this moment only when possible.This is our FAMILY facebook and look forward to positive feedback. My personal email address is loweys@shaw.ca. Thank you for you patience ,understanding and support.

Peace(create it)
Lori

The Timeline Oct 23 2008

The Timeline
Thursday, October 23, 2008 at 10:34am | Edit Note | Delete
Hello Everyone,
Yes it must be near procedure /test time I think its my way of informing everyone whats going on but also a way to reach out , its so therapeutic mentally and emotionally, i suggest you try it if you're one of those people who have a hard time really saying whats going on. I used to pride myself on saying that i rarely cry in front of poeple, that it took alot for me to show that side of me to anyone. I think it would be impossible for me to find someone that has not seen that side of me in recent months , i thought at first it turned me into a big cry baby i know realize its turned me into a real person.
As many of you know Ashley has not been able to attend school lately because she is still recovering form the radiation treatment, it has caused lot of pain , nausea and discomfort, morphene helps but causes other problems. Her Dr. tells us that when cancer cells(tumor) are dying it can be very painful.HMMMM begs the question. "what does one hope for ? ...pain or no pain?? either way its devestating.
Anyways as i mentioned before , missing a bit of school to most kids can be a welcome reprieve, maybe even a sinful treat, for Ashley its a reminder on how much she is missing out academically and socially Most would think this is a time when friends rally around and boost her up and that can be said for many age groups however at this age, kids ..as they should be ..are a little ego-centric, hard for them to see past themselves and their very life -altering zits and lip gloss. There have been a couple who have stood by her throughout but others not sure what to do or say, some parents probably wanting to protect their own children form witnessing the pain. I think to myself now, i hope that i DON"T go back to being me after all this. I Probably didn't take too much of this kind of stuff to heart very much before . When people would say things like "if youve got your health then youve got everything" i was like ...whatever! I hope that when all is said and done i would be one of those people, that we have met so many times on this journey, that will reach out to others pain,that i will relaize how great my life is, that i will use hardship to teach my children compassion not just in 3rd world countries but right next door. There are so many ways to serve others , so many people who have found their own way to comfort us, so many people we have learned from, in even the smallest act of compassion. I think of the mentors(WENDY, MY COUSIN,MY AUNT ) we have had hrough this and through their own painful experience ahve taught us that life goes on and there is light at the end of the tunnel and how trivial common compalints will seem minor after this. Speaking of which....
Ashley has been assigned a teacher to visit her at home and try to keep her caught up. Her first assignment for family studies was to make a timeline of her life from birth -15 years of age and to show all the significant milestones in her life , then to predict along the timeline what her life will be like to the ripe old age of 40. I couldn't imagine a more poignant , smack in the face , enlightening project. I (i mean "she")couldn't wait to get started. I thought of all her firsts... i thought of her first walking..first tooth..first xmas...first day of school...first kiss( well i don't think i was there for that..but???) Then i got to Dec. 16 2007 what a day of firsts? Ashley sang her first solo in the xnmas church choir in the morning...had her first blood test ever in the afternoon and was told for the first time she likely had cancer by that same evening , the day also afforded her first ambulance ride. I wondered and envied how different her timeline poster would look hung next to her classmates, thats not to say other kids haven't been through devstating events in their life , i just thought its too long and bumpy of a time line for such a young girl , mostly in one year.The future time line is unclear but i hope it wll look like this....remission by spring 2009, no more pain and nausea...that is the only timeline part i need to worry about right now,the rest of her life will be what she decides what her life plan decides what God has in store for her, right now its remission spring 2009!!!!!!!!!!I remeber last year about this time how she wanted t o go to the PNE for fright night and go on all the scary rides in the dark...well i guess her desires manifested themselves in a cruel joke kinda way.
But it is a ride... one of those 6 seater rides , Ashley in the front and the rest of us behind her in the first train , and of course several trains behind us carrying all of you who jumped aboard... thank you. If you would like to join us for the rest fo the ride christy started a face group called "Ashley we love you" all you have to do is just search it and click to join if you have face book(which im sure you do if yure reaading this) pass it on to others i dont think they have to be a firend of ours to join, i believe christy new ashley needed to see how many people are supporting her so she stays positive which has been little difficult lately. So thank you
One other thing before i let you go, whatever your denomiantion or belief is , we need it all, prayers ,positive energy, extra light, whatever i'll take it all, Ashley has a PET scan tomorrow morning at 7:45 please think of her at this time and help us pray for enocuraging pretty pictures and if you have any energy left, me too please these kinda days do me in....youre awesome, , prayers and love to you all.

Thanks for riding,
Peace
Lori

The Pumpkin Patch Oct 9 2008

The Pumpkin PatchShare
Thursday, October 9, 2008 at 10:03am | Edit Note | Delete
Today was my 20th field trip to the pumpkin patch. Yes , each kid has gone at least 5 times in their early preschool/elemetary years to one of the local pumplin patches. For some reason i have always felt compelled to attend theis specific field trip i am not quite sure why, maybe it is because it is early in the school year or maybe it is because it is such a festive time of the year , or it reminds me of those old charlie brown cartoon halloween specials,or perhaps you get to sample apple cider and i always think that maybe just maybe they'll pull out the good stuff one of these times the "adult cider", just for fun. Its never happened though.
If i ever loose my job permanently i know for a fact that i could easily step into farmer Ben's shoes and guide that pumpkin/apple tour with my eyes closed, which im sure is exactly what that hay ride driver does....drive with his eyes closed.
I remember when we first moved to Abbotsford what a thrill this was, we didn't have pumpkin patches in North Van... unless you consider the diplay stand outside save on foods featuring city slicker richy rich pumpkins "a patch" So needless to say when the girls were little and my social life consisted of a calendar full of field trips and childrens events (i had no friends yet) I recall scrambling to get the kids bundled up warm so we would be 'on time' at the pumpkin patch...how absurd that sounds now"stressing to be on time for the pumpkin patch"I would always tote around the other two for the field trips so they would not miss out on the "big event." sometimes i wondered if that was an act in futility, there were times we would be bumping along on the hay wagon Ashley (4) hanging off the sides of the wagon christy(2) crying cause she was scared and Stefanny nursing away and bitng down every time we hit a bump in the path..(I think that man driver did that on purpose)i'd have video cameras and still cameras to capture every emotional moment
By the time we made it back to the car after much pondering over the perfect pumpkin ( you'd think they were picking out a new sibling replacement) we'd be knee deep in mud,someone missing a boot, dripping wet (cause it always rained) shiverring , crying, nursing and toting oversized orange heads , one of the kids would inevitably say "ah mine has a bruise on it i wanna go back its yucky and it smells funny" This would prompt me right into a conversation about "would you want someone to put you back because you smelled funny and had a bruise" I won only about half the time!!!
When stefanny( #3)was 4 i was able to finally go on these field trips arms free. I remember as we rode on that wagon in October 2000 i thought to myself" these field trips are going to be coming to an end pretty soon, that will be a sad day"
Well someone up there must have been listening because it was on that same wagon ride that i started getting a naucious icky feeling and it was the back corner of that pumpkin patch where i found a place to relieve my mysterious illness. On the wagon ride back the mystery began to unravel in my mind and i came to the realization that maybe these field trips were not quite over.
There was no break in between Stefanny's final field trips to the patch and the beginning of Brittanny's . Wednesday marked the 20th field trip and yes Darcy has made it to several of them but i always joined them at the last minute so as not to miss anything.
Today as we rode the wagon all the memories of the various trips kinda all mushed together like a big collage and to decipher one from the other would have been impossible, each trip signified a different time in our lives, financially, spritually, emotionally.
This field trip was different , i didn't sliently roll my eyes as i heard the same woman give the same speech on the "evolution of the apple", i tried not to rush the pumpkin choice(there was no need to) i didn't wish for adult cider , i was pretty sure ( i never want to say for sure) that this time was going to be one of the last pumpkin patch field trips and for that a i savoured the moment , i was worried back in the summer that we would be in the hospital in October and i would have to tell Brittanny i couldn't go. I was happy to be there , i didn't have to go back to work, i had no where else i needed to be ,nobody else rushing me from the expereince, all the trips have been some kinda fun , but this was special , the sun was shining, there were new baby goats in the petting zoo, and the perfect pumpkin was found this year. I didn't bring any cameras this time i wanted to see everything with my eyes, through Brittannys eyes As she and i bumped along on the hay ride (ididn't glare at the driver , i wasn't nursing) Brittanny said to me "isn't this the best pumpkin patch time ever ?' All i could do was just laugh inside and tell her "you bet kiddo"

Thanks for reading
Peace
Lori

Educating The Lowey's

Educating the Loweys'
Friday, October 3, 2008 at 10:43am | Edit Note | Delete
I got a letter in the mail the other day , it was from Thompson Rivers University the institution in which i have taken many of my online courses. Several years ago i decided to go back to school and get my degree in Social work, i knew it was going to be a long process not to mention a lofty goal, but you know it was part of that superwoman thing. I have to say ive done pretty good , most courses i ve gotten either an A or B and to say that wrapping my head around disciplined study habits came easy especially between changing diapers ,working, housework ...well it was never a strong point in my high school years, socializing took priority.I don't know about you but a degree education was not as highly encouraged when i was going to school as it is today for our children,that seemed to be for the brainiacs and nerds back in the day. Heck, i remember many former students who still contimplated the decision whether to stay in school past the mandatory grade 10.I think i took some courses at my local community college like partying and goofing off 101 etc. Needless to say i was not going to let my children even entertain the idea of anything less than a university education.
I'm probably beginning to sound like i stand over my children and crack the honour roll whip , that is not the case , am i proud when they make honour roll? (more surprised)yeah come on who wouldn't be ... i don't care what anyone says... its a thrill .. an accomplishment, but they are not straight A students they work hard, and yes i do know when their tests are and i do ask them as they walk in the door "how'd you do?" But in the back of my mind there was always something much more important i hoped they would get from school. I was always just as proud of the citiznship awards maybe even more then the academic awards
So needless to say when i recieved my letter in the mail which informed me that the last course I signed up for (which was about the same time ashley was diagnosed).... a course on humanities..human conditon and its effects on the family/world ...resulted in an F ( thats FAIL) i didn't know what to do ...cry my over achieving eyes out or roll on the ground laughing over the irony. I thought to myself in some existential realm "how the hell can anyone say that i have not passed a course on how stress and trauma effects the family" i thought about how the day the dr. told us " were sorry to tell you but your daughter has a rare form of cancer" how i never opened that assigned cardboard textbook again, instead, i picked up an inviisable textbook "big picture" storybook ,one where i was able to do the longest practicum of my life without any choice in the matter.
I started thinking about how this education has effected all of us. i thought back to when Ashley spent most of last semester in the hospital and could barely attend school ,how much she missed school, how schoolwork helped her to feel normal. I remember her wanting to complete a science project while in the hospital, it was to construct a 3d model of A DNA strand. It took her 2 weeks , something that normally would have taken her 1 day to do. She and darcy spent time reading about DNA(do you even rremeber that being a science term when you went to school) and what DNA consisited of , they each constructed their own idea of what the model should look like, they used material from the hospital, a puke tray for the base and tongue depressers for the structure and palydough form the art room for the joints. Ashley could only spend about 15 minutes a day when she wasn't sleeping or sick from chemo. They were both finally complete and i remember walking into the hospital elevator with both models and various dr's. commmenting on what a great DNA strucute it was ( well ahsleys anywyas) I had never been more proud of anything she had ever done before , i knew it wasn't going to be the big elaborate masterpieces some kids would turn in , but I knew nobody had put more blood sweat and tears into their project. When i turned it in ...very very late.. i thought her science teacher was going to start crying, he knew about the labour that had gone into this and when he saw darcys i think it made him laugh. He emailed me her mark 160 /100 , he told me that the education in science she has recieved in treatment should exempt her from any exam(ever)
When stefanny and Brittanny(and britts friend Lex) decided to shave their heads and bravely attend school the next day , i thought about the education in compassion and leadership they didn't get from a worksheet or textbook ,but from real life, i think about christys role and how it has changed and what she has learned about adaptability.
When my kids come home from school now, i ask them how their day was , instead of asking for the tangible results , i ask them were you nice to people today? were people nice to you today? what went really well today? what didn't go so well? what did you learn at recess /lunch today? the answers are quite a bit different then 7/10.
What have i learned ..the list is long,scary and amazing and ever changing but one thing i know for sure is that i didn't fail that course on how stress effects the family.

Thanks for reading
Peace
Lori

Superwoman Does not Exist

Superwoman does not exist
Friday, September 26, 2008 at 11:40am | Edit Note | Delete
There is no such thing as superwoman, or superman, for that matter. Why do i say this ...well as i sat in the clinic yesterday i kept thinking to myself "oh please let things go ok today' not just for the obvious reasons as many of our routine visits have resulted in fevers and automatic 2 week stays at the hospital but because it was meet the teacher night at brittannys school. Throughout the years of countless meet the teacher nights it never once occured to me that there would ever be a reason i would ever miss a meet the teacher night becauase this and all the other "good mom" mandatory occassions were just an assumed part of my carreer as a mother . I know that roles have changed over the years and dads are far more present in their childrens life, however, i think that if a dad has to work overtime or can't get away from the office it doesn'rt crush them or reflect terribly on their parenting image( iam not trying to be sexist , jsut an observation) if they have to bail on a "meet the teacher night" they just suffer the consequences with "the look" when they get home as if they were not quite believed.
I think that this whole good "mother phenomenon" is born the second your child makes their presence known within, and then the belief system, ideolgies, judgements and value system suddenly take on a whole new meaning and equate themselves to what popularity meant in the teen years
, Just when you thought high school cliques were done for , a whole new very powerful "in crowd" rears itself questioning every decison you make every standard you hold dear. I remember when my first was born how i had all these ideas of what a good mother looked like, for me it meant being a stay at home mom, breastfeeding, preparing home made baby food attempting cloth diapers and having educational enriching classes and play groups to attend ...the flip side of that " where the hell did Lori go" so as time went on and ideas changel so does your parenting, but with each change you make you still hold on to the rituals and ideas of good mothering and how it compares to other "good mothers" and the doubts you carry with you. While in new mom syndrome...you look aroung and see " wow that mom sure dresses her kids nice " as you look at your own little one sporting a mismatched outfit (beacause you were hoping to pull off the free spirit look) and ketchup stain that you swear wasn't there in the morning.or they dressed themsleves from the wrong laundry basket. There are those moms that have one of those houses ...you know the ones ...nothing is out of place , clean as the dickens, shiny , spotless all the friggin time(patty)so you say to yourslef "well im going for the lived in look...however it appears more like a "who died in here look". ok so you take pride in the fact that youre going to stay at home and raise your kids and well if not careful that can be a slippery slope " ah what do i need to wear make up for , my kids loveme the way i am" " ah sweats are alot more comfy than real clothes" then one day you catch yourslef in the mirror going "what the hell" so then the added notion of the media telling you "hey you can do both" Of cousre you can you are superwoman!!!!! Off to school the kids go and off to work you go....this oughta be easy"i'll just skip lunch breaks so i can pick up my kids from school and still apeear the good doting mom" Then one of those obnoxcious PAC fulltimers(the alter ego Lori) asks you to be the one to deliver a speech to the school board because "the rest of us are busy doing the everyday hardowrk(martyr) stuff ...that is, she says "if your e not too busy working outside th home" Fine , i can do it , after all im superwoman" The countless events, productions , projects you manipualte your time in order to accomplish the full time soccer mom look and modern notion of " working towards my goals...my time" huh! i used to think i was lucky if i finished work at 12"45 and could run home change and be at apumpkin patch feild trip by `1:00" then back to work by 2:00 remember who needs lunch i think i have a banana in the car. Time to myself would incorporate having a midweek day off so i could catch up on all the laundry, do the banking, grocery shopping, housework , errands etc before lunch so i could be the lunch mom at the school for the day, oh and to be greeted by your children after school with " i thought i told you i hate mustard on my sandwich"
" Ah i love you too, now shut up and get in the car " ( hard to believe i work in the family education bsuiness, my kids tell me i should p practice wht i preach ..ah whatever)lets not forget that superwoman looks "hot" too and probably "puts out" alot so keep that image up . Becuause "did you see that mom at school, i wonder if shes had work done...i'll have to work that into a conversation" The media is inaccurate ..wrong... dillusional...and slanted , i can attest to that as can my co workers who have seen the irresponsabilty and one- sidedness of the of the media lately , if it can manipualte the illusion of what a capable parent looks like then it can have you believe superwoman exists.
Speaking of work, i miss it, i do , the work sometimes difficult to watch ,sometimes dealing with children who haven't had much food that day, are dirty , sad , neglected abused and could only wish for a kiss goodnight , or clean clothes or a lunch to take to school or had just been removed form their home....so walking in the door somedays after work would prove a little difficult as one of my angels would greet me with a" can you take me to the mall "i have no Hollister tshirts, this sucks" or " what is THAT FOR DINNER" i need help with my science project and well if you know anything about good parenting (ha ha)then you know that the science project is a parent project (ha ha acs)and you have reached the parent pinnacle if you (i mean your child) make it to the finals. There arises so many facades of what a good parent looks like trap. and it is very contradictory
1> belief:your child must look very busy in espensive sports and outtings..contradiction: allowing your child to jsut be a kid and play ..feeling relaxed..a free spirit.
2>belief: your child must be dressed as all the others with the top brand name clothes so they fit in contradiction> my child is aleader has their own style is not lead by others.
3>belief: a good mom is self sacrfiing and spends this season of her life on her children relishing this short time.... contradiction: a good mom takes care of # 1 so she can take care of her kids "my time" is jsut as important.
belief: a good mom should stay at home with her kids.... contradiction: a good mom should work to maintain sense of self and share the income burden and afford more for her children
5belief:a good mom is comfortable i n her own skin and doesn't need to impress anyone contradiciton: look good and and always present yourself as best you can.
>contradiciton: agood mom is a full time career pac mom ...contradiciton; a good mom says no when over burdeend
6 belief: a good mom packs her childrens lunch everyday contradiction:.... a good mom teahes children to pack their own lunch
7belief: good moms have well behaved pleasant looking smart kids contradiction> good moms have strong willed independant thinking/ speaking children who epress themselves unorthodoxly.
8belief: a good mom alllows only healthy food contradiction;...good mom allows fun food
9belief: good mom hides her feeling/disappointment. contradiciton:.... good mom shares/expresses her feelings
10belief: agood mom disciplines her children contradiction:.... good mom ignores/ picks only big battles
The list goes on and on and i didnt even get started on diet and exercise thing(yuk)Point is now that im out of the new mom syndrome i can look back and think i did some thiings great and some things not so great (guilt trip ). ive felt up ive felt down about my parenting and the reason i bring this up is because i remember the way i felt when i was so busy one day cleaning my kids rooms that i stuck a "i am a princess" crown on my head and forgot to take it off when i went grocery shopping , this is to illustrate that sometimes in the midst of doing all the stuff we sometimes feel stupid , inadequate, downtrodden but we all do it in the name of our image of being a good parent. I think of my sisters right now with their young children and all the trials and tribulations(okay part of me is giglging on the inside) their children ,all beautiful , challenging their parenting in their own way , Katie and her stong willedness wild bouts of ???? and carlie who went diigging throguh my sisters"old stag novelty items " and wore a bracelt that said "bitch" to school the other day...do you even try explaining that one to the teacher????
Anyways to everyone i know "you are all good mother"s , you all have the "thing or things" that make you a good mom, that may be different than other s but very admired amongst your peers. The thing is they(kids ) will always have something to say about our parenting but we are living in such a time and place that children(most) are so highly valued that most of our decisons are rooted in how it effects our children. so , we do what we can, which will be different than the person next to you neither right or wrong just a different take on it. I think if youre giving your children a sense of something bigger than themselves than good for you( oh a few hot meals thrown in there once in a while is agood thing too) Some of us will wipe the snot form our kids runny noses every two seconds others will let them wipe it with their sleeve and yes you will be judged by the mom who always has a kleenex on hand in her well stocked minivan of possible scenarios , you may be the one throwing your child insistent glances "to be more polite when adults are speaking to them while the mom next to you prides herself smugly on her well spoken young lady...whatever...sometimes youre ahead ...sometimes youre behind, the road is long, try not berate yourself too much or pat yourslef on the back too much either . were all doing the best we can....by the way i made it to the parent teacher night and was able to pat myself on the back and darcy didn't have to work overtime so no evil looks his way. thankful for the small stuff
Thanks for reading

Peace
lori

The Doctors

Dr.Schultz, Dianne, Dr. Herran,Dr.Whyte, Shaleen and us
Friday, September 19, 2008 at 2:16pm | Edit Note | Delete
ok, so if you'd told me a year ago that watching my firstborn recieve experimental radiation angiogrammed into her liver successfully would make me jump for joy i probably would have told you where to go and how to get there. If you told me a year ago that i would do much of my grocery shopping at Safeway on 28th and Oak in Vancouver i probably would have thought we struck it rich and won the lottery and moved to the shaugneesy area. Well that was a year ago before any of this was even a thought in my head.
Wednesday, the big day the 17th was our 9 month anniversary of the day we were transferred to BCCH the day we met Dr. Kirk Schultz, the man who's words changed our lives forever...one relationship you would want to avoid in your lifetime would be that of one with an oncologist. Don't get me wrong if you do have to deal with this , these dr.'s are some of the best in the world ,however, their brains aren't always programmed for the soft stuff but thats ok if i have to choose i want them all sciience all research and it is one area where they all work and network together all over the world which is how we were able to get this experimental thing done so we are very thanful for all scientists out there ,but just as important( for me anyways )
is the soft stuff, sometimes i can't always hear the raw hard stuff , i need it toned down, lightened up, even if i have to bury my head in the sand .,and that is what the nurses are for, the primary nurses,they are the soft side of their bosses, they help make sense of "too much information" or bring the tender side to everthing, they get to know you personally, they are a distraction in tough times and a ray of hope when youre feeling discouraged.
When i found out our primary nurse would be accompanying us to VGH for the procedure i was able to knock off a few stress hormones from the old petutary gland . One of the motto's most times in these kinds of setting is "hurry up and wait" there was alot of waiting around and prep work to be done prior to procedure, this was a time our primary expertly used to lighten the day , we got to know her on a personal level, found out about her family and life ..which made her so normal ....its like when your kids see their school teacher grocery shopping,they are amazed that their teachers don't live at school!!! same goes. I found myself talking to her about things i haven't told many people. We were also graced by the presence of Dr.Whyte the anaestisiologist...he was a carbon copy of Robin Williiams(patch Adams) his humour both shocked and amused me...as he was leaving to gather supplies for Ashleys "nap" he told us "i'll be right back , im going for a beer can i get you guys anything" as he captured the look upon my face i could hear him giggling down the hall. Our nurse Dianne was invited into the procedure room , so was darcy to "say goodnight" they don't invite me anymore they just grab darcy and go. As Dianne went into the room i begged her to come out and give us updates, she hugged me and promised, i could feel my eyes filling up hoping she would be true to her word, sometimes they can't always stick to that promise for obvious reasons. Darcy returned and we waited in the waiting room..Again he reads the paper and i pace,both of us throwing eachother glances of unbelievability. 15 minutes goes by , Dianne emerges "they're just getting cameras set up" ...15 more minutes..dianne emerges "catheter is in."...the next 15 mins would be crucial...this is where they stopped it last time, when blood flow was poor...we waited 15 minutes may as well have been 15 days, every part of my body was sweaty and dry at the same time (ok too much info) my mind wondered bazaar things like how the female staff at VGH could walk around the cement hospital floors in six inch heels all day, i saw one female medical personnel carting a plastic cooler wearing fancy minnolo's im sure, i thought to myself "if i was a patient waiting for whatever organ lie in that cooler i would be hoping the transfer staff would be wearing comfortable, fast ,practical nike running shoes," however, maybe it was just her lunch or a half sac a beer in there. I had been paying special attention to shoes lately, thanks to another oncology mom, who blogged about what it would be like in other people's shoes..now i find my self staring at everones shoes(thanks Jen). Anyways the procedure doors kept opening and closing , i jumped every time, regardless of darcy's strange presence of calm...finally, she emerged ..two thumbs up!!!! i bawled like a big baby, she gave us quick details and then left. Darcy:" see i told you everything was going to be ok" at that point two little words crept into my head and quickly faded in place of joy..pure joy..pure contentness and the cancer isn't even finished yet.
The next person to emerge from the room was Dr.Herran, the man that performed this brainiac thing, the one who gave me that reassuring hug last month "my encounter" he tells us "everything went well" i told him i was going to hug him and i did unreservedly (wierd for a reformed non-hugger) he tells me this time..."i just got a chill" maybe this was his encounter? After the particulars ,as he walked away, i yelled out"i Love you" as i would to an old married husband...speaking of which i thought "did i just say that in front of darcy" i looked for a reaction from darcy wondering if he was concerned, after all i don't think i had said "i love you" to his smugness(calm darcy) today, before i could say anything he yelled out "me too", i think that was the best part , the instant connection , the raw human emotion that emmitts neurons from your heart and the place of gratitude within. We spent the rest of the time in recovery , diane assisting ashley out of anasthetic while ashley glares at us (she doesn't like coming out of it too much , i swear she thinks we are the ones doing this to her) anyways we continued to chat and rejoice with the recovery nurse shaleen who afforded us all the possible comforts in this adult non-child hospital, The day was done except for diannes husband who was waiting to pick her up at childrens hospital for 3 hours as we waited for the transfer ambulance to pick us up. I felt so bad for him even though i had only gotten to know him through our conversations of the day. Phonecalls and emails were sent to everyone to celebrate, yet warn caution, as there is still one more step in this procedure and several more i am sure in the journey .It was my night to drive home and as i did i listened loudly to the perfectly timed song"pocket full of sunshine" which was a nice change from the usual "had a bad day " tune. It was a 10 hour day but a very good day..one that i never would have imagined a year ago.

Ashley is recovering well, radioactive, but feeling good.

From the hospital cot at bc childrens hospital thank you God and thank you everyone for sharing the joy in this partof the journey.

Peace
Lori

Purpose

PURPOSE
Tuesday, September 16, 2008 at 10:30am | Edit Note | Delete
I always know when its getting close to major procedure/or results time, it usally stands to reason that i will find myself aimlessly wandering around the grocery store wondering what i came for or standing in front of the produce department contimplating for several minutes what breed of tomatoes i should buy; like its a decisoon that will affect the rest of my life.Other times someone will tap me on the shoulder or call "lori " several times before i realize this is my name. I find myself taking several seconds to process who they are (if i have dsipalyed this confused look toward you...i apologize)and no its not ativan induced, its complete brain theft.
I think the brain works that way to protect itself , it is saying "you have something on your mind, unload it, pray, talk , cry, whatever" , its there for a purpose, distraction although helpful at times cannot proccess fear and a grocery list at the same time.,something may implode. My mind has been distracted lately and although a small reprieve from fear.... mellencaully has snuck in , i have had reminders of our past lately ebbing into the present (that is a story for another time) forcing conntimplation to the wha tif's and purpose driven factors of our moment to moment life. I had to take a trip into northvan this weekend (our hometown)spent some time with one of my best friends who still lives there. Everytime i cross the second narrows bridge into nvan i am beckonned to a place that is eerily familiar with no escape and the distance of a foriegn country feeling. I am sure anyone who visits their hometown occassionally gets that feeling of "you can never go home"
My visits in the past have usually consumed thought s of place meaning.that is, when i would drive up mounain highway i would recall my life in order of the landmarks i would pass..Eastview Elementary and the haunting voices of children innocently walking home from school...the sounds of "tv tag" being palyed in the thownhouse complex i grew up in on a warm sunny day...the various friends houses along the way just off mountain hwy...the first home we brought Aslhey home to ...the street in which Darcys best friend was killed a few years ago,The Jack and Jill store my sister and i would buy my dad cigs at the tender age of 9and 6...the Chevron gas station where darcy worked afterschools ...7-11 where we drank"special slurppees" and ate hoagies on fri nights, death defying stunts at lynn canyon. The preschool that is like 100 years old that the old time north vanners would have attended.. the dairy queen darcy would take me to after he finished earning enough money at the chevron. My old highschool( too much stuff there for this blog) ....the cardinal hall darcy and i had our reception at then later became a rec centre where i used to take ashley to diaper gym. Then our first home as a married couple and how my said friend lives exactly one street down with the same address number...................................................................................................................s(sorry for the pause.... phone call from teh oncology dept, for more reminders and updates, and i used to think telemarketers and bill collectors were frustrating phone calls to take...................)
Anyways the purpose of my blog was just that...PURPOSE. Maybe you can help me out with that one. when we moved from nvan it was the right decision for us both financially and spritually, don'rt get me wrong it was a fun place to grow up , a difficult place to stay if you wanted to buy a home and didn't have resources. So we made the move and for some reason i know this is the place my children belong , so it had a purpose but as i drive up and down those childhood roads i wonder "what if " what if we didn't move what would our life look like now,?Now, the streets look different....would this be any different??? i have stopped asking what caused this to happen because childhood cancer has no rhyme or reason, but i have to say that when i meet a new family on the ward one of my first questions is "where are you from" i pay particular attention to the north van and abbotsford ones trying to find correlations...im sure there aren't any but things like pedticieds and power lines go through your head. Then i ask myself "IS THERE A PURPOSE TO ALL THIS? and if there is who's purpose is it to discover? Ahsleys? mine? Darcy's? the kids ? my parents? the world? who is that will learn from this and God knowing please jsut make the lesson or purpose clear so that we get it and my baby can be healed., i wrack my brain daily, saying maybe this is it ? maybe i am supposed to be more comapassionate , or our family must draw close and set an example, maybe ashley is to be a motivational speaker someday, maybe darcy will relax more,maybe her sister wil become a nurse or oncolgist or maybe ia m supposed to write???
I am always searching for peoples's take on purpose. Some will tell me that God has a plan for eveyones life , ok.... so who is this plan for ? Others tell me that God is loving and would never iflict disease or pain on people. that the world is imperfect and we should look forward to Heaven,others say that God answers all prayers, still others say that God doesn''t give us more than we can handle. And yes i know that when this is all said and done perhaps i will have learned a thing or two about pain, coping(ha ha) shock, gratitude,.... some friendships will have grown more intimate, and other will fade into a memory like that of an old childhood friend.
As i dropped Brittanny off at school today i saw a poor little kid being forced to go to school kicking and screaming, clearly a negative first time at school experience, she did not want to be there, did not have any choice in the matter, was scared at what was waiting for her ,I knew how she felt. I said a little prayer for her my hope is that she has the courage to face the day , that she has something to believe in, that she will be comforted by something bigger than herself, that she sees the purpose of school and she comes to embrace whatever school brings for her.

So i ask you after all my meandering "what do you think about purpose? do you think we are meant to go through all the things we go through ,it sounds lofty for the good stuff but what about the bad stuff, why would big bad stuff happen to some then and not others,(although i know we all go through some bad stuff) or is it just life or chance?I know i have been told i ask alot of questions...maybe analyze things too much but please feel free to express/reply your ideas, it really helps.
Ashley goes in tomorrow for step 2 of the procedure , pray for her please , and for us ,our children for our peace of mind for our faith whatever that brings for us, the strenght to deal with it.

Peace and God Bless
Lori

Thank You

thank you
Friday, September 5, 2008 at 10:31am | Edit Note | Delete
I started thinking the other day as i sent the kids back to school that a new season is upon us...yes Autumn is just around the corner, normally i look so forward to this time of the year , kids going back to school, new routine, organization, but as this Fall approaches i can't help but think that we have been in this journey for all of the seasons now. I started to panic on how i would micro manage everyone now that school and committments are back in full swing.
My worries always seem to lay with "what if we have to be with ahsley and one of the other girls at the same time" It happens... and its not like phoning your boss and requesting a day off. I started to become angry at the unfairness of it all,maybe feeling al little sorry for myself, at the same time feeling so much gratitude for those who have stood by us so faithfully. Sometimes out of something so tragic amazing gifts (people) surface. I think with others who wanted to help by saying "call me if theres anything i can do " was beyond my capacity , i didn't know what i wanted or needed ..anything? ...everything?...i didn't have the brain function to crawl out of the misery enough to match my clothes let alone articulate the chores that needed to get done, especially hard for a control freak, i was just thankful when someone did it. So a great big thank you to all , especially those who just did , thank you for taking over my brain with dinners in the freezer, money gifts , gift cards, picking up my kids , having my kids over, praying, the consistent email/phonecalls , investigating alternatives, fundraising,hugs,massages, task mastering,hospital visits, wine, well placed advice,shoulder to cry on. And thank you to those who have jsut been around enough to know how this journey is going, the details, the grace to know when to ask questions and when not to. There has been alot of grief in this road but mostly disillusionment of what i thought was... isn't. But it has been replaced by the kindness of all of you, you may not have realized it but you may have been the one who got me through a particularly rough day without even relaizing it. My boss once said in a staff meeting the importance of a smile and how it can change someones day. (Sorry janice at the time(prior cancer) i thought, yeah yeah yeah,) She told us how she smiled at someone who appeared to be having a bad day and how that woman came up to her and said that it was the nicest thing someone had done for her that day. So i appreciate you people who walk by me at the mall or the school and smile at me instead of avoiding me.One thing i now know is that if a person or family is going through a hard time it is your comfortableness with them that comforts them, it is a message thats seems to transcend the families i have met on the cancer ward. One of these days when Ahsley is better and time is not being controlled by the oncology department i will sit down and thank each one of you personally for not allowing us to fall apart . Thank you if you prayed for my faith to not falter becuase there were times i could feel it draining from my body then by some miracle it would restore and i could face another day.
Speaking of which, last month Ashley had the experimental procedure stopped in stage 2 of a 3 step procedure we had to wait along time to find out if they would do it agin. They repeated the first step yesterday ...SUCCESSFULLY! It was so nice to come home to emails and phone calls from our facebook status congratulating us ...thank you for you prayers and remember the smallest thing can improve someones day or perspective if it is done consistently. Thank you all for cocnsistency...we're still in this for a while so please stick with us. (new lesson learned)
Love you all

Peace

Lori

Encounters

encountersShare
Friday, August 29, 2008 at 2:05am | Edit Note | Delete
Ok so i had this beautiful blog all written up took me two hours to write and somehow i erased it , sometimes technology sucks in its simplicity . It took me until the end to actually title it. The jistt of it was that i had recently been to church and the theme lately had been "encounters with Jesus' i wondered if i would get a chance to have an encounter with Jesus, i craved one desperately. I enjoy going to church maybe not for the same reason as others .... i enjoy the reverence of my surroundings , i like the solemness, it feels so peaceful , i didn't have that expereince as a child and i am thankful to my children for exposing me to it , i always leave feeling protected guided and comforted. As for the rest of the week ,it was time to get on with the summers end rituals, do you have rituals (OCD"S) you feel you must perform certatin seasons of the year? In the summer my kids and i need to fulfill certain traditions. We love to go to the old fashioned candy store in Matsqui village pick out unique candy and go to the park and share it , the kids love to climb the willow tree there every year , it grows along with them every year. we also go to Birchwood Dairy and take our time pickin out ice cream then feed the horses and eat our ice cream . Ashley recently got a beautiflu auburn wig and as they ate their ice cream i looked at them and noticed the uniqueness of each of them not only in the ice cream they chose , but the way they ate it, and the rainbow of who they are; Ahsley with her red hair, christy with her diyed black hair, stefy with her bright blue wig and britt with her bleached blonde dew , wow i thought how different they all are , never noticed it so much before. Another ritual we have is gathering helium balloons attatching notes to them and relasing them into the universe ,this year was no different , except i think the notes were directly written to God and i think the prayers were all similar . I imagined God recieivng these balloons and smiling , i was hoping it made him smile , im sure ive left him a few times with a furroowed brow so the smile would be a good thing. As we released the balloons and they made their way into the skyscape within seconds i thought to myself how quickly time can take something away and although we can't see it we know its out there maybe just in the next dimension(no i havent been watching star trek) I wished i could have hung onto the ballons a little longer.
Ok enough with the lofty stuff, apparently the kids have added a new traidton ...shopping in the States for back to school stuff...yeah but i can't stand this time of year... when the news interviews supid parents who spend a gajillion dollars on their pampered princesses to outfit the label mongering oblivious brats for back to school , however my kids guilt trip still has some milage on it, so off to the States with christy , stefy our neighburs and NO birth certificates,, yes i have cancer of the brain ...not to be confused with brain cancer... just a condtion parents of cancer kids get. I wanted to turn around but was stuck... so my car got a full body search, thankful it wasn't my body search, the u.s border guy didn't deserve it/ He interrogated me , accused me, wondered several times if i had been denied entrance , i tired to recall any indecretions but nothing came to mind.. i wanted to reach overthe counter and >%^%&* him ,(did i mention i recently attended church) after the second search i think they came across my "CHILDREN WITH CAnCER" BINDER , they let us go, kids got what they wanted ..over priced u.s. merchandise(crap) and i couldn't stop shaking, i was thankful to be Canadian , thankfu to my neighbour who tried to dsitract and comfort me.
Today i woke up worried, with little sleep, typical of a day heading into the clinic, darcy sat at the bedside and tried to comfort me before going to work but it was raining and i think weboth sat there in silence forthe longest time dreading the day before us wondering how the hell we got here.
Chapter 2
Ashley asked if she could bring her friend Baillie into the clinic today, im so glad she came, she added her humour, her wit,t her down to earth attitude and sponanaity into the day, she is such a good friend , and she seemed interested in all the day offered , needles, bloowork, transfusions, dr's nurses, chaos, she was areal trooper. unconventional and a breath of fresh air... she came on a good day, they got to meet Micahel Buble, they weren't shy in admitting they didn't really know who he was, i didn't care they were coming with me to meet him. He is a great guy, personable friendly, came right up to me and shook my habd and took his pic with the girls, a real delight and a perk in this whole thing.
As we were getting ready to go the Dr who did/halted Ashleys experimental thing last month came into give us the details of the re-do , he offered hope for tihs re-try ...no promises ..no guarantees but some comfort. He is explaining all this in a very busy hub area of the clinic, nurses running around , dr conferencing, parents pacing , children crying, i started to walk away and he put his arm around me pulled me into a close hug , it ;lasted for a long several seconds ,he didnt say anything but tears came to my eyes(as usual)and i didn't have my normal resistant "i can do it myself" attitiude and it felt like the whole clinic chaos stood still for just a second, it was out there ,open, visual and very poignant and unexpected , all was well for just a minute...was this my encounter? was this a mesaage a hug from above? he moved into ashlyes room and gave her an unexpected hug too the tone was reverant and meaningful , im sure Baillie wondered what it was all about but things were quiet , even our nurse just took it all in for a second. i t was a human moment on a spiritual level. we left ,the girls were quiet , it took us two hours to get home...two hours! ..coulda driven to merritt form abbotssford...wait a moment why the hell would i go to merritt .. ithink i have inlaws there.(did i mention i had been to church lately)i wondered what Baillie thought of the day they didn't talk much, but each had their ideas of the day. We made it home and the day ended better then it started with no real great news but perhaps the apiifanies and encounters i was looking for, i also realized i can be me and still go to church, i am not perfect, I just want to be guided in the right direction, i think that's all any of us want? Thanks for everything
Peace,
Lori
P.S.
To Logans mom Jen hope you r%$$#@day is better tomorrow, youre still an inspiration, saw Logan colouring a picture in clinic today , she lit up the room with her presence, i could feel it

In The Moment

In the momentShare
Friday, August 22, 2008 at 10:50am | Edit Note | Delete
So last friday we were in clinic and the Dr. tells us that he will be finding out MOnday whether or not they wil go ahead and do that experimental procedure on Ashley...(for those of you following along it was cancelled midstream last month which caused alot of anxiety around here for several days.) Ok so the very worst part besides the obvious in this whole journey is waiting for a test rsult or waiting to find out what they will do next...its like waiting on the pregnacy pee stick X 1,000,000,,000. They always seem to make you wait over a weekend, my aunt was with me,the conversation between the two of them (she and the doc.) turned quickly to the medal standings in the olympics,( i thought to myself "there's an olympics going on???) Allright , ihave to find a way to cope i thought , i can't make myself go through a torcherous weekend again withut freakin out. I got home and phoned darcy ..".lets go camping if only for a night ..lets go" after he hummed and hawwed about the work that lie before hime he agreed. Sat am we loaded up Darcy went ahead to set up and i took the girls to their cousins bday party before we took off. We made it up there in record time ..no arguing beteween the kids this time they jsut played and hung out ...Darcy and i enjoyed a cold beverage of hopps and Barley. We thought about what kinda fun camping dinner we should make ....we ended up at the Harrison Hotel for dinner...buffet..we ususlly like to treat the girls to it every year , its nice to look over the lake and eat dinner together. After we ate our weight in smorg we headed for the beach , it was such a beautiful night we just sat and watched the kids play as the sun was started to move behind the mountains, it was so peaceful. ..life was good this very moment thats all that mattered .We eventually made our way back to the site , the girls curled up and watched a movie and off to a half assed good sleep..well kinda there was a golf tournament wrap up party going on ..were so old we couln't believe how loud the music was????
Monday comes along and im sitiing on pins and needles..more like nails and spears. So Darcy comes with me to get the big news and of course its not even our Dr. and they don't have any info for us...ok you can imagine the nasty thoughts going through my mind...Hope YOU ahd a good weekend...hIOPE you didn't loose any sleep, hope you had a realaxing weekend watching the olympics.I sent Darcy back to work and Ashley and i had to wait for a perscription, we waited a little longer because i wanted to meet one of the oncology mom's. I had been reading her blog and she was such an inspiration on how to live in the moment ...her blog motto is "Life is not waiting for the storm to pass its learning to dance in the rain" I appraoched her as she walked into the clinic i knew it was her before i even asked her name . I burst out into tears as we began to discuss our journeys, she has been dealing with this for 3 years(Her 11 yr old daughter has brain caner) by the end of the conversation we were laughing at thought of writing a book about not just the journey of cancer but all the unbelivabilities of the journey ...the people you thought would be there for you and weren't and the strangers who took over for them... the chores we should hire out...dinners made ..dog walking ...plant watering ...eye contact...check ins ...satisfying my husband..etc.. etc...I'm so glad i met her and as i was leaving my dr. was running down the hall (do you think i let him continue running ....no) he knew he was trapped but as he ran past us he says" got you some dates its a go...i'll talk to you later) Wow fate ...wierd... i wanted to meet this woman(Jen) and because iwaited for her i was able to be comforted by her story her attitiude and the news from our Dr. I left feeling a sense of peace again..Thank you God for sending in an angel of comfort again... Sometimes when you pray and youre asking for something the thing that youre asking for doesn't always manifest i.e."Oh God please make Ahsleys cancer go away today" but he will send an angel in the flesh to offer comfort or humour, or peace and today was one of those days. Many of the times its my sisters, Darcy, my kids , my aunt, friends , church,work mates but some of the times its a complete stranger. Thanks to you all and you know who are.
Peace,
Lori (pics to follow soon)

Bumper Sticker

bumper sticker
Tuesday, August 19, 2008 at 11:10am | Edit Note | Delete
As most of you know by now that Ashley if not IN the hospital visits the oncology clinic several times a week for bloodwork. Most of the time it is routine unless its more serious then Darcy accompanies me. However, having said that i have been in clinic many a times when information has come down the pipeline while i was there on my own. Sometimes it is like being in a foriegn country with no direction home. I feel my body go into panic mode but know i cannot show it in front of Ashley(well thats my theory,Shee sees it all over my face as i excuse myself to use the washroom they really need to make some sound proof parent rooms in that hospital...i'll just add it to my wish list for the new hospital). Usually when i remember how to dial the phone number it is either to darcy , my sister or my aunt who lives close by. When "my team" works there words of comfort on me to get me back down to earth i know its time to face the 100km journey home. Allright stop saying"OMG what is she doing on lthe road" I have to its my job and i CAN put it aside for my drive home, so no fear! When it was winter time and we were commuting home i would walk in the door like we had just driven a tank down the roads of khandahar. Darcy would be getting home as well and didn't seem to share the same feeling of the road as i did. I would tell him how rude people were on the road and how they'd tailgate or cut me off or how they tried to rush decisions ouuta me. Darcy drives for a l;iving so he probably sees it all the time and it doesn''t phase him anymore, i think he's convinced that people shouldn't be allowed to drive w/o at least 10 years driving experience(yes i get the logic, its like not letting your daughter date til she's married)Anyways i knew this information scared him because he goes on inccesantly about "what to do" when people are driving like @##$%'s His words always as i leave anywhere is "DRIVE CAREFULLY' he worries about the other people on the roadhe says , he tells me he thinks im a good driver, but he knows this is territory i never had to deal with before.
Anyways we were in the hospital the other day and he comes walking out of the gift shop with 2 bumper stickers advertising "childrens hospital" on them. I asked "what are you going to do with those" he looks at me as if the question didn't need to be asked. "but you hate bumper stickers , you cringe at them, especially those honour roll one's where people yammer on about their kids(Sorry outt here if you have one of those stickers)and now you want to let the world know we are prisoners at childrens hospital"(I know the more optimistic view would be "guests of childrens hospital"...not there yet).
Anyways it was my turn to go into the hospital the next day , the feeling/karma on the road was easy , Port Mann wasn't backed up , people were nice etc etc. We get to the hospital, i retrive our stuff form the trunk and as im pulling the trunk down i see the bumper sticker on the car, he had already put it on. Two seconds later Darcy calls me on my phone"did you get there ok" "Yeah(duh)"After the conversation it all hit me, i got it, i figured it out why this man who hates bumper stickers applied one to the back of a brand new vehicle...it was to let the world know " this woman has to drive to childrens hospital all the time with my daughter who bravely fights cancer, please be nice to her , cut her some slcak, i wish i could be there to drive them each time but i can't this is all i can do to make sure they get there and back safely...thank you, a father bear"
I Like my bumper sticker now, some times it remiinds me of how much our life has changed, where my second home is, what this disease has taken from us but mostly it reminds me of how much Darcy takes care about us even when were not totether.
We should all have bumper stickers on our cars that tell the world Please be nice to this person because...."she is going through a divorce"..."Just lost her husband" "is being abused" then maybe we would all wave at eachother or say a prayer for them instead of flipping them off or tail gating them and wouldn't it be nice if someone who loved us put the bumper sticker on for us.

love and peace (bumper sticker to you all)
love lori

THANK GOD
Wednesday, August 6, 2008 at 11:13pm | Edit Note | Delete
Will explain later...but good news ...liver biopsy is fine ..normal...good.(well for secondary issues that they were checking for) Still a long road ahead but no big huge setbacks, yeah we can eat, breathe and live again. Chemo start Friday again, back to the grind but so grateful for good news and great friends and family...Our big property tax bill has also disappeared, very understanding people at city hall and good neighbours. Thanks everyone who came down to the pitts of hell with us for 6 long long days.
Later
Love and Faith
Lori

Todays Procedure
Thursday, July 31, 2008 at 11:09pm | Edit Note | Delete
Ashleys experimental procedure was not a go.We are devestated. I was notified part way through the procedure just as i was feeling hopeful and relaxed that there was blockage and poor blood flow, which brought the procure to a halt until her liver biopsy comes back after the long long long long weekend. Thanks for the prayers and good wishes .

On our 19th anniversery
Wednesday, July 30, 2008 at 12:32am | Edit Note | Delete
Yes, today was Lowey family's birthday..in other words it was our 19th anniversary the first day of the beginning of our family but to tell you the truth our journey began 27 years ago. We met in high school when we were 15 years old , we lived across the street from one another. If you are saying to yourself oh is that ever sweeet , thats is so cute,or maybe some are saying OMG they must be crazy...Youre all right! it has been quite a ride.
We have had some pretty amazing times together and some down right ...welllll you get the drift. Mostly i think we've learned to ignore, that probably sounds horrible but what i mean is to not take things too seriosly,not let them irritate you or at least don't let it show because sometimes thats exactly what its for just to piss the other one off, so just ignore...ignore there nasty grooming habits, they're snoring , there wrong choice of words, there this that and the other thing it really doesn't matter. What matters is are they there for you in the middle of the hard stuff are they the one you want to celbrate with in the good stuff. Are they the first shoulder you turn to when its you against the world are they the person you dream of travelling with in the Golden years (even if they want to go to Alsaka and you want to go to Europe)Sometimes i think being with someone that long you start to confuse them as the male version of yourself.(or female for the husbands)Knowing someone that long means you know them inside and out and means you can't get much past the other one. So much for his exaggerated high school football stories , i don't think so... i was there remember. Same goes for me too, he knows what move im going to make before ive even made it . FRIGHTENING!I know that we are very different people and it has become even more obvious during this past year however this is a good thing, the balnce has got us through this storm , (I think the dr's are probably thankful were very different people, imsure you know what im talking about) I always thought i was the strong one , the one to handle all the emergencies the one to keep it all together, nothing could be further form the truth this year I have seen Darcy be the rock, the strenghth and the multi tasker. I've seen his true nurturance shine through in some pretty raw moments , ones i could not bear, moments ithought men were not capable of (sorry men) Darcy is an old soul (the kids would call it old fashioned soul) believes in honour and justice and righteousness sometimes drives me nuts ithink he should be glammed out in armour with a team of horsemen riding into defend a village , i guess thats what makes me smile too.Im sure i have quirks that he could write a book about , he reminds people that i am french and irish as if it is to expalin away a behaiour...whatever! I could write a book about some of the trials and tribulations and those of you who have seen it all (my siters, close friends) could tell a few for party laughs too, its ok i know that one day we will be sitting on a porch in our rocking chairs as the sun goes down on us remainiccising about these younger years as our beautiful 4 children and grandchlidren sit around listening to stories of the olden days when grama and grampa were young.
P.S Yes we had a nice anniversary we actually celebrted it last week when the kids were gone...just listened to the silence. we told eachother "no gifts " unless its for the trailer , he got me a hot pink retracting beach lounge chair because iwas uncomfortable sittin in chair while we were camping,and a nice hallmark card. I got him a spatula for cooking when we go camping becuase we didn't have one in the trailer when we went camping made his ability to cook very difficult...i got the spatula at the dollar store along wit his card.
Happy anniversry hun.

In one week.
Thursday, July 24, 2008 at 12:06pm | Edit Note | Delete
I enetitled this note "in one week" because i can't believe how much can happen in one week and how life moves so quickly and so slow motion at the same time.
Last Thusday Ashley was transported from BCCH to VGH to have a procedure done . We have recently been told that the major tumor left in Ahleys liver is calcified around the edges(dead) , what would have been great is if when they did surgery they found it calcified throughout the whole tumor...that was not to be. The chemo is having a difficult time getting past the calcification and you cant mass raidate the whole liver and you can't resect that much of the liver so...they will test Ashley at VGH to see if she is a canadiate to have Yttrum 90 where raidation is angio grammed right into each tumor. Risks involved ,oh yeah, tested...she will be the second kid in NOrth America to have this done 1st person ever to have it done for this type of cancer, they have performed it many times on adults for other things successfully. The procedure was to take 1-1 1/2 hours to see if she would be eligible. i rode down in the ambulance with her, jsut as they were putting her out darcy made it just in time to say goodnight to her(traffic and a time change) and i burst into tears thankful , i hate seeing her go under its such a sppoky feeling. we were told when she woke up she would be fine but wouldn't be able to bend her lower half for 5 hours. The procedure took nearly 2 1/2 hours.The clock moved excutiatingly slow, i suppose my way of coping is to wring my hands , pace the floor, stew about things , brace myself for bad news, ask the nuses what they know...completely the opposite of darcys coping sklils which include: reading a magazine, getting a couple minutes of shut eye in, telling me to relax...his coping methods only exacerbated mine. It took me back to those middle of the night breastfeeding days when my kids were babies and he lie there next to me sleeping like a baby, i wanted to kick him then and iwas plotting to kick him now. It was a "go" she would eligible, the dr. came out and outlined the possible risks very candidly., we signed the papers anyways and i hoped my signature was a seal of confidence and faith that would prove to be one of smartest bravest signatures yet.
Ashley woke up and already was not happy because of her chioces on being able to go to the bathroom...we were transported back to BCCH for recovery. Darcy tried to outline her choices for her as gently as he could, this resulted in a kleenex box used as a projectile aimed at her fathers head. We all took this with a grain of salt and laugh about it now. Darcy spent the evening at the hospital with Ashley and i went home to change the Blood(darcys) sweat and tears from my body. Ashley was allowed to go home the next day. Friday., Ahsley is doing well, I talk to darcy by phone and we discuss a plan to try to go camping the next for the first time in our trailer. I make reservations from the hospital , get the kids at home moving on preparations. We say goodbye to the wonderful nurses who have cared for Ashley for the last 2 weeks ( i forgot to mention that yes...ashley was in the hospital for another infection for 2 weeks) We were free. we drove home and started getting ready.
Chapter 2
we were ready to go camping Saturday morning on a glorious LOWEY camping trip to Harrison our favourite place. The packing up i asked the kids to do consisted of their own personal fashion attire, flat irons , beauty products and cell phones allcharged up. Guess which 2 people were up all night gettin ready???we get to Harrison, and christy is not happy we haven't allowed her to bring her entourage of friends with ther on this very first camping trip. So she spouts out commands like "whats there to eat here" what are we going to do " this sucKs" Ahsleys response "this is my trip christy i deserve it !" Darcy eneters the trailer after sweatin his guts out cranking the triler into position and spits out inaudible words through his clenched teeth like"spoiled somethings" and something about grounded forever ?? and something about their "heads together" everyone emerged from the trailer as if the perfect loving familywho enjoy spending quality special time together...except christy who spends the next 2 hours flat ironing her hair and text messaging her friends. we hit the beach and besides a few wet sand throwing contests between them which we just told ourselves "sister fun in the sun. they're creating memories" we had fun.
We put the kids to bed at a resonable time 7:30(just kidding)remember i told you earlier about the best trailer feature having four bunks in the back...weeellll its kinda like caged dog fights. Anyws darcy and i sat down to a much needed glassof wine/beer and shook our sorry heads.
The next day was my birthday...yes 29 ..can you believe it.Not much changed on that day, i get gifts which immedaitely gett borrowed..case in point... ipod from a good friend , i saw it for 15 minutes then catch christy suckin up my batter time , she accuses me of not sharing , this is good for a robust laugh . My family got me beautiful heart necklace and earrings picked out by stefanny. Brittanny had to say goodbye to her best best friend ever that she met at the campsite one over form us. Some friends/ neighbours of ours drove out and visited us that afternoon for a late lunch(also happens to be christys best friend so she was happy...so all was well)My bday ended that evening with a nice late evening dinner prepared by Darcy. It was a perfect day , we were all there living what we had imagined for months. The next day i took the kids to the waterslides met my sister andd her family there (it was my sisters bday day before mine and weve always celebrated our bdays together so this was how we spent it this year, watching our kids play together and squeal in dleight)
Chapter 3
The night after we got home christy and stefanny were picked up by my brother in law to go spend time on the island with my sister and her family for a few days, yesterday we drove Ashley to the hospital to meet up with her horse camp group for kids with cancer , i lioved that she was going to this , she has been anticiapting this day for months and there were times we weren't sure if she would be able to go, but the day was here i couldn't sleep allnight iwas so excited for her and so worried i would over-sleep and be late. We got her in to the camp van with huge hugs and kisses and excitement for the freedom and joy she will experience for four days, darcy and i both were beaming when she left she is probalbly so gald to be away form us , her crazy neurotiuc parents. One left to go and we had to make a big deal about Britaanny going to my Abbotsford sisters as well so we fussed over Brittannys deparute as well ,as if she wereleaving to back pack around Europe for ayear. I got home and "no" we didn't dance around the house or delight in any of the things you might be thinking...we sat in slince for the longest time... i realized that my living room clock has a second hand on it and it is loud. we jsut decompressed and besides running out to the store for a few minute we slept off and on all day , ordered chinese food and barley moved. Darcy left for work early this morning and i am here in this quiet house by myself and am writing this sentence and thankful to you for reading it and thankful to those who made this moment possbble...now what am i going to do????

life with the loweys" moment
Sunday, July 13, 2008 at 12:39am | Edit Note | Delete
Wow i can't believe its July already , we are coming up to 7 months since our lives did the belly flop. I have been away from my job for about 210 days. Some people may think of that as a welcomed vacation, i on the other hand, very much enjoyed my job i felt much purpose form my work and derived even more pleasure form the amazing people i work with and they have all been so wonderful at keeping me in the loop as to the goins-on at work. It is truly a nurturing place to work despite some of the work that has to be done there.
The one thing i miss most about work is sharing my family stories in the lunchrooom. When i first began working for family education/services 6 years ago i didn't dare share some of the wacky crazy things my family would do , i just wasn't sure how it would be revccieved in an enviornment that strives for family function and peace. That is not to say that our family is a bunch of loonatics, but come on if you know our family you know the stuff im talking about ,just that stuff they do because they are so comfortable doing it. As my years pssed at ACS i began to see how normal and real our family is and that the folks i work with revelled in my stories because they had "all been there , done that" and they were getting pure joy out of watching someone else go through something they could now look back at and laugh about(how quickly they forgot that teenagers and two year olds weren't always so cute) many of them are grandparents now, how can you tell.
Anyways this is one of those stories that i will imagine telling in the lunchroom . Ashley had to go into the hospital last Friday and i had a wierd feeling that she might be getting a cold and that if history were to repeat itself we may be there for 10 days or so.
Ashley says to Darcy "dad can you take me so i can drive the car just down the block" (the car is not insured until Ashley gets her learners,she got a little car for her bday, which she will share with her sisters as they come of age) For those of you who know darcy he is a driving stickler , recites driving laws , corrects people for their indiscretions in his head .... he drives and manages drivers for a living so YES he is a driving guru...so his response to Ashley is a long drawn out dictaion of the driving laws and the perils of not conforming to these said laws.I'm thinking" blah blah blah". I try to tlak him into easing up and "its jsut down the block 50 m, whats the biggie. " His rant # 2 "if the police happen to catch ya the...blah blah blah"
I remebered back to his early driving days at 16 and wondered how he could have become so pompius considering his roots. He says "if you want to take her by all means , but i will have no part of contribting to the ..b.blah blah blah" "Fine" being the wannnabe cool mom, i say"come on Ash. i'll take ya" I knew her next few days were gonna suck so what the hell. We get in the car and yes it is a sitcom just getting out of the driveway, and there's darcy waggin his finger..".blah blah blah". We go about 20 yards and yeah what do ya think we see. COPS! uNFRIGGIN BELIEVABLE!Ashley asks "mom are those cops"" holy crap, youve got to be kiddin me " I say . (YOu know how long ive been wanting cops to patrol that area , some unsavouries hanging out there by the park etc etc. And they pick now ...today to surveillance the area).I panickesd i ddidn't know what to do i told Ashey to pull to the curb, now were like 15 feet away form them, now what?, no plates , no license and that stupid finger waggin in the window(no he could not see us from where we were) The only thing i could think of was to tell Ashley to take her wig off just in case.... she complies. I wonder if i can pull a uuee. The cops are looking for something on the ground , in the bush , maybe they won't see us. I switch places with Ashley and i pull a uuueey (uturn), the cops get in the car and follow us , i a m shaking and all i can hear is that stuid law being repalyed in my head and darcys cop-like voice in my head. I just keep saying "oh crap oh crap oh crap" they turn down the street befor mine . Ashley and i breathe a huge sigh of relief , shaking we pull into the driveway, put the club on the steering wheel walk into the house ...Ashley goes straight to her room , i go straight to start in on the dishes to expend nervous energy. Darcy"Well how was the drive?" We both reply.... "fine, just fine"

ashley's 16th birthday
Monday, June 30, 2008 at 11:52pm | Edit Note | Delete
Happy 16th bithday Ashley,
well i think Ashley ahd a great day. She got out of the hospital on saturday after a gruelilng last night in the hospital with no power.
Her sister started the day by making Ashley her favourite breakfast..pancakes. Then we gave Ashley her presents I couldn't wait to give her her new butterfly keychain containing keys to her brand new car...(ok well new to her, i think her car is also celbrating its 16th birthday too) a green .Dodge Colt. Ashley had thought for weeks that her aunt had been trying to sell this car> Darcy had been using this opportunity and the car to teach Ashley the mecahnics and maintenance of a car, she even got to try moving it form the drivewy once, she beamed at this taste of future freedom. Thus the theme for Ashleys birthday became 'Butterflies' ...a symbol of freedom , Her sisters got her sparkly butterfly seatcovers and a licence plate cover, She also recieved numerous cards , money and a spa gift certificate. My sister gave her a birthday card that she had purchased for ashley on the day she was born, it was very sentimental, she also recived art supplies for her new creative outlets(from grandma)we had a lovely family party on Sunday with all her favourite foods. we purchased a large above ground pool for the kids so they played all day in the water, it was nice to see her play again. Only rule of the day s "no cancer talk" not a hard rule to follow. The day was warm and beautiful and a buttrfly seemed to continuosly fly by her all day.
Momday she celebrated with her 3 closest friends...a pool party...a bbq and a guided trail ride (horseback) along the river in the early evening. I watched and snapped pictures as they faded off between the sunstreaned trees a;ong the riverbank one at a time, again it was a vision of freedom , her smile had not left her face all day, mine too. The girls came home and had ice cream cake(with a butterfly on it) they sat in Ahsleys new car and listened to music , giggling. Darcy lit a fire outside in the gas fire pit and the girls roasted marshmallows and giggled . Now they are finishing the evening with a sleepover in the trailer watching movies and giggling some more. A magical sweet 16th Birthday for a magical girl.

SOPHY
Saturday, June 14, 2008 at 12:54pm | Edit Note | Delete
If you know Ashley than surely you know Sophy. Sophy entered our family on June 28 1999(the night before Ashleys 7th birthday) Sophy is a yorkshire Laso cross. The day sophy and Ashley met they became kindered spirits, vitulaly inseparable, best buds. I am sure that Sophy could easily be considered Ashleys favouirte sister- that is not to say she would trade in one of her sisters for sophy- but lets not put that to the test. I have seen Ashleys mood completely turn around just by the simple embrace of her beloved dog, when Ashley is down Sophy is her mood booster , when ashley is up Sophy is her bigggest playmate. If another dog happens to be in Ashleys presence... look out ...Sophy is on guard. Sophy is all of 15 lbs and scrawny would be a generous term, you'd think she had rotweiller in her the way she barks if anyone enter our domaine and address Princess Ashley without written consent.
No surprise last week when Ashley notifies me that Sophy has a lump on her abdomen. After a consulatation with the vet, it is determined that Sophy has a tumor. Unbelievable..ive heard of sympathy pains before but this is ridiculous.
Ashley of course was scared and worried, . I felt a strange sense of familiarity outside myself as Ahsley asked the vet despearte questions like "she's going to be ok isn't she? " Does she have cancer?" "when wil she be ok?" "what can i do?" I know if she could she would have stayed in the o.r. room with her , she went to check on sophy after school and came out of the recovery room looking like a worried mom , she looked at me and i wondered for a moment "does she forgive me for my crazy staate of panic and deperation now?" "Does she understand a mothers heart now" When we were able to pick up sophy to bring home i saw this self- scarificing child who battling cancer herslf was able to put her stuff aside and nurture her dog, her friend, back to health. Sophy recovered nicely and my hope was that Ahsley would come through her very similar surgery as unscathed as Sophy.
Ashley had her surgery 9 days later, it was successful as far as the safety part of the operation, now we just sit and wait for the results of the biopsy and pray for miracles. In the meantime, Ashley, although in pain, is recovering nicley with attiude and can't wait to get home to Sophy.