Tis the Season

Well i suppose that season is upon us, still a bittersweet one for us , one we are still stumbling through. Had this season not been so representative of the beginning of our journey mixed in with Christmas it may have been a little easier to separate, but for whatever reason we brace for the two extreme emotions as Christmas falls upon us. In a week from today we will so somberly remember the day we were given the first horrific news in this never ending journey, for now ,it is the lead up to the impending doom we experienced on December 16 2007. I cannot ignore the fact that the rituals of Christmas has brought us many tears , the simple sight of a Christmas tree to this day reminds me of our perfect little tree that sat undecorated in our living room the day we brought it home December 16 2007, a few hours before Ashley was diagnosed. How it begged to be decorated as we trudged back and forth from the hospital those cold days leading up to Christmas , too worn out , too broken and to separated from one another to adorn any Christmas hope upon it. It was finally decorated on Dec 24 when Ashley came home for a couple days,but somehow i knew our Christmasses would never be the same , our unthinking Chritmasses were gone for good.



The next year wasn't much brighter , we were facing hard news and unspoken fears , I remember Christy fussing over the perfection of the tree, how she became quite annoyed by anything that was out of place , how she struggled to get the lights on the tree refusing any assistance,perhaps she knew ,perhaps this was her way of controlling one last little piece of Christmas that would never be the same, i weep for that moment today , how we silently knew this was all in vain , the frivollous part of Christmas really didn't matter anymore, strip it all away and get back to what matters this very moment, not the tree , not the gifts , not the food...just hope and faith.



We have chosen not to decorate a tree this year, well that's not true ... we actually decorated our tree a few weeks ago, however, it did not sit in our living room, it showcased itself at the Tradex Christmas show in Abbotsford . The Ashley's journey team decided to decorate and enter an "Ashleys Comfort Bag" tree into the festival of trees contest, it was of course that day that it snowed ,so family and friends drudged out into the elements and adorned the tree with items we use in creating Ashleys Comfort Bags , toothpaste, toothbrushes , razors , shampoo etc etc, we placed Ashley bags under the tree and names of families we had faced cancer with ,we put an angel on the top and a butterfly decoration slightly below. It must have worked because we won first place($500.00 for our cause) what an honour. We were among good company The Gaby Davis foundation, (if you ever need a cause to give to this would be it....helping families financially through the devestaion of childhood cancer) Strangely enough the trees that surrounded Ashley's tree were The Salvation Army ,( our church) The SPCA (aslheys fave cause). The Agri-fair where she and Sophy would compete in 4-H demonstrations , and her school,what a representation of her life. So really, we did decorate the tree this year , not in our typical robotic way, but with purpose and fullfillment , so we are not sad about not decorating a home tree this year ,we will be gone anyways , off skiing for a few days, not to avoid or escape necassarily just to rebuild. Thank you for supporting us.



The Ashleys Comfort Bag idea is growing hugely, as we speak , the North Shore news is photographing and doing an editorial for the next edition, this comes on the heels of a recent campaign by the Lynn Valley merchants to collect donations for Ashleys bags, initiated by my friend Patty (a long time resident and business person in Lynn Valley, )we got a chance to go around and thank the store owners the other day, strangers are sometimes angels in disguise.



That being said, and although,I try not to attatch myself to anything that does not have or has never had a heartbeat or a soul,yesterday we had to say goodbye to an angel -type figure in our life , i know this may sound silly but it was my car , my van , my Sienna girl, don't want this to sound petty and materialistic but it was another representation of time and passing, things come and go , everything eventually turns to dust , so it is not neccasarily the "thing " we miss it is what it represents.

We bought Sienna a few short weeks before Ashley got sick, i remember us contimplating the van or an SUV, for some reason we went for the van and glad we did, if you recall gas prices back then we would have been in the poor house pretty quickly with the soon impending drive we would have to make regularly. Sienna put up with alot of crap, she put on alot of miles very quickly , she withstood bad weather drives and the slamming of brakes, she put up with people cutting her off because her handler wasn't always focussed , she put up with a master who subjected her to road rageous moments , she's seen plenty of tears , been puked on , bumped into , backed into , suffered the over use of her horn, had her gages pounded on in hissy fits of unfairness, been kicked , starved for fuel and still managed to get us safely and comfortably to and fro from some of our darkest places , she has made decisions on her own when my mind was not working, she has gotten me out of tickets and delivered me to places i didn't want to go alone, she sat in lonely parking lots for days warding off any potential thieves. She followed the sun on days that were ok and days i had forgotten my way, She brought us home on day the skies wept along with us , wiping away the rain like she wiping away our tears. We will miss you Sienna you were like an angel in disguise, may another family appreciate you as we have.



I would like to take this time to thank you for your extra attention , your acknowledgemnts of our feelings during this season, thank you for thinking of Ashley at this time , we would like to make light suggestions to those of you who have been asking about making donations in Ashleys name during this season and the upcoming anniversary of Ashley passing (Feb) We are so grateful to all the attention and thought you bring to our world. we thank you for the cheques and money in her honour , however, we find ourselves having to make difficult decisions on where it goes, many people suggest giving it to research etc or Canandain Cancer foundation but i feel sometimes it may be directionless and not sure if i should be inquiring any further into how specific it should be ...the charity is vast ...many say they want it to go to the kids cancer ward, again very vast. Our suggestions include but are not limited to BCCH in memory of Ashley Lowey , it is an ongoing legacy memorial which is self directed to specific research, or child life dept /oncology BCCH ,or Ashleys Comfort Bags .account Vancity... SPCA , Cops for Cancer, Childrun,Gaby Davis Foundation or BCCCPA, or into a Salavation Army kettle,please feel free to choose any of these, i am putting this out there only to give direction for those who have been asking , it is not a plea for donations. Many of the times we get notifications on donations made in Ahsleys name but in case they forget ,please let us know that you made the donation , we would love to be able to properly thank you. We never want anything to go un-thanked , we do appreciate everything, especially prayers, thank you for continuing to journey with us. Love to you all, may you find peace and purpose , may you find an angel if you need one , may you be angel if one is needed.





Peace,

Lori

Christys' dance at church ...Lead me by Sanctus Real

Time to expand a little beyond fundraising and the hard stuff and bring you a bit of the other side, those moments that bring a smile to our face and keep us grateful we are still parents with amazing children...This is Christy's moment in the sun ...not like she doesn't get plenty of them , always performing , but after being asked and hesitating several times (too many boys in the audience???) several times from church to perform she finally agreed, and to one of our favourite songs , thank goodness Stef videotaped we had tears in our eyes...so maybe not that lighthearted afterall..lol

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1638535917213&comments

words from a grieving parent ...author unknkown...so true


Reposted...author unknown...thank you for posting tracey and Tanya...how true











Words from a grieving parent...











What do we wish others understood about the loss of our child? Here is a partial list of such wishes:











I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important and I need to hear her name.











I wish you wouldn't feel awkward if I mention her name.











If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn't because you hurt me: the fact that my child died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.











I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing from your home her picture, artwork, or other remembrances.











I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day my grief is all over, or if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling.











I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy and I wish you wouldn't compare it to the loss of a parent, spouse, or pet. If you lose your parents you are called an orphan, if you lose your spouse you are called a widow or widower, if you lose a child there is no name for you that is how tragic it is.











Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me.











I wish you knew that all the "crazy" grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following the death of a child.











I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us.











As with alcoholics, I will never be "cured" or a "former bereaved parent," but will forever be a "recovering bereaved parent."











I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, lose my short-term memory, develop a host of illness and be accident prone, all of which may be related to my grief.











Our child's birthday, the anniversary of her death, and the holidays will be terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that your are thinking about our child these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about our child and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful.











Please do not compare our grief as a family. Do not act like you know how much everyone is hurting. It is very possible that someone is hurting more than others. Please keep your opinions to yourself you only cause guilt, anger and frustration. Do not turn our grief into a competition. I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.











If you keep waiting for me to get "back to my old self" you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature, with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try to get know the "new me" - maybe you will like me still.











- author unknown

LikeUnlike · Comment · Share · Delete

Cops for Cancer (and healing)

Just sending out great big "hugs"and thank you's to the Cops for Cancer Tour de Valley.

This team is truly amazing and I just can't say enough about what their ride does for us. Now i know many of us have been effected by cancer and feel obligated or inspired to want to do more for the cause then just sit idolly by and pity the suffering but these guys and gals need a great big shout out. The thought of climbing on a bike and training for months to ride their bikes and raise funds and awareness during the unpredictable month of September is beyond my realm of possibility.... , doing a 5 k childrun once a year and draggin my butt through it is about as physical as i can get for the cause, but they do it, for what appears, nothing more than to fulfill the act of human kindness and empathy.
The fact that (i assume) most of them don't have a child effected by cancer can still get out there and give it their all and getting the community all pumped up for something that effects so few(children) is amazing. For them to honour our story and allow us the privlege to be part of their event is incredible and a very small token of our appreciation. If you do not know about Cops for Cancer then clearly we have not spoken in awhile because it is one of the causes so close to our heart, they embed the meaning of unselfishness and humility. Cops for Cancer raises awareness and money for kids living with cancer and for families/ siblings to attend Camp Goodtimes , our lifeline, i'm sure by now you know that.

Last year we were asked to share our story with the riders , perhaps for inspiration , they afforded us all the compassion and grace a grieving fmaily could stand. This year we were invited back. Our church (Cascade) hosted a dinner for them , it was a very surreal feeling to have such a representation of Ashleys life and struggle(cancer) hosted by the place that probably brought her the faith she need to face that struggle. It was a coming together of our worlds . our struggle and our faith right there in the same room. Our Pastor spoke about Ashley and how she touched the lives and atmosphere of those that dwelled with in those walls , we prayed for the riders and said grace and ate( food there is always so yummy...thanks chefs!!!) it was truly a blessing ... spiritually ,over the top, fullfilling , rich, cup runneth over sorta thing.

Darcy spoke about our second year in grief relayed our family's gratitude, and admiration for their will to touch suffering.( i let him frespeech this year , no pre written speech from me )My pastor called me up(UNPREPARED) to talk about Ashleys comfort bags,(which we are collecting supplies for) i don't think he gets how much i hate public speaking, i think he think he's getting me passed that, did ok i guess. Christy spoke from the heart conveying what Camp Goodtimes means to she and her sisters, that they call CGT "home", she read her Camp Goodtimes graduation speech and by the end i think they got it , i think they understood what we were triyn to say, that although they are riding for a cure, research, an end to kids cancer ,that this is one family that despite the loss , they are still riding for healing.Their emotion was overwhelming, their humility; endearing, their caring conversation and friendship; heartwarming. Although it was an emotional evening, Brittanny as usual, kept the evening light and comical, workin the crowd, making her way around the tables of cops , organizers , paramedics etc. keeping them in stitches ...yikes!!! makes me wonder what kinda family horror stories she was telling," Lord if you are in this room ...please grant this child discretion and i promise i wont give her anymore (humorous) material to work with." She even swindled one cop out of his jacket ...for keeps!!!!!

We sat at the table with Ross and Agnes, our "more than pastors" , our leaders, our friends, our rocks and a friend of theirs who had lost his child 10 years ago , for me that was another sacred moment . listening to someone who has made it to the other side , not over it , just living with it in faith, was meant to hear his words at that particular moment i think.

O.k...... for the really surreal moment ...hang on to your hats ...as we were sitting around socializing, a young rider came up to me and said " do you remember me " although i thought of her familiar i couldn't place her or maybe i was blocking things out of my mind.... but she said to me " well i am the paramedic on the team but i am actually a nurse....i was Ashleys nurse at ARH, I was on duty the morning Ashley passed".... I wish i could write better or i wish i was an artist to realte to you or find a better word/picture for "surreal" which i have over used already thus far but i really can't ....it made my body tingle , it made my heart skip a beat, maybe a hundred beats....it made me feel the strongest presence fill the space between she and i. Amy (thats her name) reminded me of the conversation she and i had while Ashley was in the hospital, we had talked then about what she wanted to do in her future nursing career, she said she remembered Ashley telling her what life at BCCH was like , how loud it was , how it was in need of repair etc, and then she said to me...." she was right cause thats where i am now , i am an oncology nurse at BCCH and Ashley really touched my life" , back to that laughing and crying at the same time thing again. She told us about the effect Ashley had on the staff at ARH and even at BCCH , i was so proud of Ashley all over again. We hugged her like she was our daughter and thanked her for sharing and for riding and just.... everything.

The night ended well , and we were back at it the next morning when the team made an awareness stop and pep rally thing at Britt's school , they called Britt up on stage and despite why she was up there she felt like royalty.They presented her with all their hotel goodies to donate to Ashleys bags, how cool they remembered. Have to say , not sure whether its age, emotion, PMS or just life, but again exhausted for days, sat on the couch all day Saturday watching reruns of just about everything under the sun, feeling a little lazy, guilty, compared to the riders out there busting their butts , i tell myself "leave it to the professionals"

Thank you everyone for your support and for journeying with us. Thank you to Cops for Cancer riders, organizers,commercial production staff, Cascade Community Church pastors(Ross, Agnes) office staff ,organizers , kitchen staff, chefs, guests, those who donated to our bottle drive (and my sister for counting) and those who donated to Ashleys comfort bags.... and all the angels always around us.

Peace,
Lori

Sunlight

Sunlight
by Lowey Family on Sunday, October 3, 2010 at 4:11pm


Laundry is stacked up to the ceiling at my house today.



I kept putting it off because i had run out of laundry soap and didn't get a chance to buy any this week , they were out of my brand at Walmart and as i reached for an alternative brand i remembered that it irritated some of our family members skin, so i reached for sunlight , i hadn't bought it in awhile , not sure why,so home i went and started the tedious task of sorting laundry ...yuk! as usual forgetting to remember how lucky i am to have machines that actually do the hard work and that im not rubbing the clothes together on a stone like Caroline Ingalls. I opened up the soap bottle and a strange feeling came over me i didn't know what it was but it completely surrounded me , the same feeling i had when i reached the soap off the shelf at the store , which is doubly wierd because i was thinkng about Sunlight detergent the other day ...yes, I know i'm weird if laundry detergent occupies my thoughts during the day but whatev...anyways after the gruelling task I went and lied down on my bed for a minute and as i lied on my hands i could smell the sunlight detergent close to my face...



Do you ever smile and cry a the same time?



I instantly got a wave of Ashley , and i mean a wave. it took over my whole being , I recalled her in my scents, its the same smell i hadn't smelled in so long , maybe I hadn't bought Sunlight since she was sick , but i suddenly remembered the smell of her skin, not just her clothes but her skin , i don't know why but it was that smell of a baby's bald head , maybe it reminded me of her clothes as a toddler ,or maybe it brought me back to a summer day when she ran freely in the yard with the smell of clean laundry drying on the line,of or maybe thats just what she smelled like ...pure sunlight, either way she entered my sense in a new way.... I cannot see her all the time but like a blind person perhaps my other sense of her have come clearer, today it was through the fragance of her "being" , sweet , clean , pure, and sunny...So glad I reached for Sunlight today.

(no i'm not sending this in as "my sunlight story" commercial.



Peace,

Lori

The Will to Survive

Posting the lyrics to a song composed (and now played on select radio stations around the country) by Megan Mcneil another brave teen cancer fighter from BCCH..words of inspiration to all brave ones still fighting...

I want to give children fighting cancer "The Will To Survive". Absolutely! Here they are...

The Will To Survive:

What’s it like to have your life change in a moment
What’s it like to have it all taken away and
Put in the hands of doctor’s that you just met
And just rely on hope to keep you holding on

Here’s a story of a journey
One so hard it drains your spirit
So hard to convince yourself that you can make it through

Here’s to the fight
Here’s to the fighters
Here’s to the brave that take this on
Here’s to the lost souls
Here’s to the new hope
We’ll keep on keeping on
In the fight for life
The fight for life

Sitting in the doctor’s chair processing the information
Not understanding how this could happen to me
Going from an average teen age life with normal teen age problems
To blood tests and IV poles and a life I don’t want to lead

Gotta stay strong and stay united
Face our fears and stand our ground
We can convince ourselves that we can make it through

Here’s to the fight
Here’s to the fighters
Here’s to the brave that take this on
Here’s to the lost souls
Here’s to the new hope
We’ll keep on keeping on
In the fight for life
The fight for life

What will make us strong enough so we will tackle this battle
And what will make us strong enough to walk straight through Hell
To get us back to Heaven where we’ll see light again.

We’ve got the will to survive
Here’s to the fight
We’ve got the will to survive
Here’s to the fighters
We’ve got the will to survive
Here’s to the brave
We’ve got the will to survive
Here’s to the lost souls
We’ve got the will to survive
Here’s to the lost locks
We’ve got the will to survive
Here’s to the hard knocks
We’ve got the will to survive

The True Colours of Grief

by Lowey Family on Monday, September 20, 2010 at 11:41am
Suffering from writers block lately , that is probably why i never chose this field to get into, couldn't imagine trying to come up with something when the mood does not strike. I suppose i could write of our adventures over the summer, afterall it is why i write these blogs just a reminder to others that one can "do grief" and live alongside it, not always, but sometimes.

Actually had a pretty good summer , i call it summer number 2 or "second summer after the fact"... maybe how life is measured now ...before and after.Spent a beautiful week on the sunshine coast , Lund and savoury Island, mostly prawninig , now that was an experience. Darcy had the whole adventure planned out we each had our own job to do on the boat,rigging and pulling and driving etc it was like one of those projects you have to work together to accomplish a goal, much like grief, and we did , thank goodness the kids don't even like seafood , more prawns for us...highly recommend this destination , Savoury Island is remote, laden with white sand, sea life and crystal waters in a mixture of hues which formed varying degrees of turquoise, a little piece of heaven, scouting it out as my future retirement home which i am forecasting could happen anytime for me , guess i should start saving ..lol

We also spent another week travelling through Jasper to Edmonton and beyond to Athabasca for a beautiful wedding and visiting family (both sides) The colours of the mountains ...breathtakaing This trip a little less "roughing it", real running toilets and waterfall jacuzzis in the Polynesian themed rooms at West Ed hotel , which was a far cry form the trickle our trailer shower affords us, the kids shopped til WE dropped, there is something about places that big , i swear there were duplicate stores that made you feel like you were going out of your mind or travelling in circles.

The kids attended another week at Camp Goodtimes and christy is now a graduate and will move on to a leader...gee if you had asked me a few years ago about Camp Goodtimes ,i wouldn't have known what it was or who it was for and now it is an absolute life line for my kids, hence the fundraising efforts, hard not to support a cause that has given your children so much peace, you can see this written on Brittanny's face in her Cops fpr Cancer commercial, a rainbow after a storm.

Darcy returned to fishing this year which was a stellar year, back in his element, not just for the sport or the hee-man gathering, but for the sense of peace it gives him. He was truly blessed this year a sense of returning to old for him and for the girls , Brittanny and Christy spendng alot of time out on the river camping and fishing (not really mine and stef's thing). Bittersweet , missing Ashley , very reverant , she was missed by all the fishermen/women, kept expecting her to come walking up the beach 2 fish in hand and her dog following not far behind...hard because Brittany really picked it up this year , bringing her own fish in, learning to use a carving knife , a right of passage i suppose,really adapting to the whole fishing lifestyle...caring for all the dogs on the beach ... you can imagine what that does with your mind and heart. Fishing season is over for another year and sad i think for them to leave it behind , it wasn't just fishing they had to walk away from it was their sanctuary , their holy place, a place you have to come to terms with, the past and future coliding, a cosmic crash, for everyone , not just us, it was a coming of peace through pain and i do believe God had a hand in that ...comfort in struggle once again, which brings me to another topic...

Recently i was asked to participate in a bereavement support telephone group with other parents who have lost children to cancer via BCCH social workers and psychologists, it has been an real eye opener to the titled "the hard work of grief' The timing had been perfect because lately i had found that magically around the 18 month mark of Ashleys passing we had been getting some "interesting" advice from people who were a little removed from this whole situation about how they "think' they would be coping through this .I mean no disrespect as i write this but this comes on the heels of listening to other parents discuss their bereavement, that they wish there was a book to give to to others about " grief of losing a child" Now i know there are many well meaning people out there and maybe there does need to be a "how to" book on the subject because this is a different grief,NOT saying less or more painful but different than losing a grandparent to cancer. as i respect anyone who has lost anyone to cancer it is a struggle no matter which way you look at it and i would never pipe in on my Ideas about how someone "should " cope after losing a parent to cancer i would expect the same respect for our grief. I am not trying to be unappreciative and i have thanked the many angles who have "just been" with us through this journey , but i have to say that suggesting that anybody be ready for anything going through this should just stay silent. Suggesting we have a formal family picture done or that we need to be exhibiting any other advances into "a normal life " really isnt getting it ,so here it is . I get that people dont always know what to say , i have come to be "ok" with people avoiding me in the grocery store , or ditching away , or disaapearing completely from my life out of fear(thier loss...true colours) i empathize that the words may not be profound , its ok , even saying something wrong out of stumbling for the right words is ok too. I remember one older person saying to me that " well it s better ( cancer) at her age , she is strong and is more resilant" , now i know they meant that if they had cancer it might be a harder fight at their age, i can look past and see what is meant , but the intentional advice from people who have not been there is not only un- warranted but disrespectful. I have had a few people( and i mean a few ...like 4) within a few short weeks of Ashlyes passing suggest that i "looked " broken and that i shouldn't let this ruin me ,or have even been offended by how my giref , my solemness/silentness has offended them, that i am not the same person. Are they kidding me , are they really that short sighted to be completely concerned about their own interpretation of how or what i may be feeling, or what "they " think i need after really hardly knowing me at all. It astounds me at the lack of wisdom or insight some people have., if there are a few things you really shouldnt comment on is how one copes with grief , clearly if that person is doing harm to themsleves or others then by all means approach or offer support, but ones own intrepretation , c'mon people thats not what this world is about. I m not doing this to vent my own frustrations singularly i am doing this to give a brief look into a subject i can attest to , certainly cannot give advice on losing a parent or sibling so i would never bother, so what would make others think that they could pipe in with advice that really very few have experienced. Most parents i know , no matter how they are coping are doing a pretty damn good job, the fact they get outta bed every morning , dont throw themsleves under a friggin bus and thank the Good Lord above then cudos to them ,the ones that have found God ,Jesus or higher power , then even aweomer( eng?) and the ones that have been able to find some good for others or purpose in life, then hey maybe there is light in all this. My purpose is not to make anyone second guess what they have said( in innocence) it is to raise awareness for one subject i can speak about. One complaint i hear over and over again , that unless you have been through exactly this then please stand by us encourage us , afford us some grief behaviours and dont take them personally ( unless they are damaging) This is not easy work , it tempts you into devestation everytime you turn around, everytime you hear a song on the radio , everytime you smell a scent , everytime the season changes , everytime you hear a christmas bell, or a bird sing everytime you see a frog,,everytime you set the table, everytime you go on a vacation , everytime you snap a picture, everyimte some one asks you how many children you have, everytime you see pity in someones eyes, not to mention going back to work and resuming "normal life" its a struggle just to self talk your way in the door. It is hard on a marriage , no doubt , you struggle against your own personal coping strategies all the time , one is up one is down, one is laughing the other is crying. It is hard work every single day,It tests your faith to the very core of your soul and sometimes you come up empty. it is unnnatural, there is no word for a bereaved parent like orphan or widow, in most cases you are isolated from this process . and in many ways you're damned if you do and damned if yo don't. If you are seen as moody or withdrawn then people think youre not coping well when in fact it is protective from being triggered, if you are out there fundraising and campaigning then you are seen as in denial. If you have found God then you are a loon.Like i mentioned this is not a personal attack it is "venting for the collective" It is giref for all who are grieving, us , my nieces , my sisters,family, my parents , my friends, chuch-goers, Ashleys friends, fellow oncolgy parents and yes the fisherman on the beach,somtimes i forget itisi not just us dealing with the insanity of it all

If you ask us to do something and we say "no" without a reason then there really is something stirring in there, some trigger were not ready to face yet,it doesn't mean were weak , stuck, nasty , it means were hurting, were raw we're rebuilding , the road is long , some pieces won't fit like they did before and we have to find away to accomodate the missing pieces Grief is a place of colour as dim as it may seem , but in the depth of pain is when you see the brightest truest colours, of your marriage , your children,your family, your truest friends , the humanity in strangers and the comfort in God.Thank you for being a light in our storm.

Enjoy the beauty of colours as we say hello to Autumn

Peace,
Lori
Comment · Like · Share

Facebook © 2010 · English (US)
About · Advertising · Developers · Careers · Privacy · Terms · Help

The release

Butterflies
Well the butterfly release in her garden was amazing ,so many people joined us either in body or spirit to set our butterflies free, however my little butterfly decided to hang out on me for a good 20 minutes , i contemplated several times whether to just capture her and place her safely in a treasure box where she would be safe , but that is not what butterflies were made to do.

Thank you everyone , the sun was shining and we were in the company of a handful of Ashleys favourite people , thank you to everyone else for your warm thoughts, gifts and prayers. You'll be happy to know we served Ashleys favourite foods and ice cream cake too. she was with us everywhere.

Happy 18th Birthday Ashley, we miss you and love you very much, gone but not forgotten

Happy 18th Birthday Ashley

Good Morning Ashley,
Today would have been your 18th birthday, words cannot describe how much i long for you and how i imagined your 18th birthday would be. I miss your smile and the softenss of your skin, i only have that in my dreams now , i can only feel it now, drink it up now, by watching the butterflies bounce around in your garden. You continue to inspire and teach those you left behind what it truly means to fly, to be free, to live beyond what this world can offer. I pray you are saving a place for us and i look forward to the day we meet again. We have been raising butterflies from caterpillars and i have to say watching them grow into such beauty and emerge into gifts from God has been reminaiecnt of watching you grow and fly away, it will be hard to let them leave , my heart, my selfish hands will hesitate and want to hang on a little longer and cover them up and protect them ,not let them go , but i know better, i know that I can't . i have to set you free, to explore , your work is done and now you must just send little reminders once in a while that you are here and amongst us and you are doing what every butterfly does ... brighten the lives of those around you, make us stop, smile and thank God for your beauty. Happy Birthday Ashley.

While Waiting For Thee

Don't weep at my grave,
For I am not there.
I've a date with a butterfly
To dance in the air.
I'll be singing in the sunshine
Wild and Free
Playing tag with teh wind
While I'm waiting for thee

P.S. how fitting that the daily puppy ad beside your blog today happens to be a yorkshire terrier , Sophy, we miss her too and celebrate today 11 years ago when you two first became soul mates

Prom June 2010

Well its midnight and I have contemplated off and on all day what this day would have ,should have, looked like for you , for us. As i awoke this morning i day dreamed that maybe you would have taken Sophy for a walk and started getting ready for your big night ,your dad would make you pancakes for breakfast and we would present you with a beautiful ring or something else significant, maybe a camera because your photography skills had really taken off, Brittanny would hand you beaded friendship bracelet which you would have put on to make her happy. Maybe you would have had some friends over had a swim and hot tub before helping eachother with hair and make up , i would have brought you all your favourite foods and maybe your dad would have wandered in off and on from the garage occassionally telling you how pretty you looked, maybe you'd be telling your sisters to get lost but they would be wanting to watch in awe of their big sis. Then it would be time to get your dress on, the one your sisters and i went dream grad dress shopping for , it was so pretty , like a rainbow. It would be time to have maybe some more friends over, we would talk with the ohter parents about how fast time has gone and how we recalled each of your preschhol days and each of your fututre plans, how we would take a million pictures and videos , some by the rose bush , some by what is now your garden , some with the citizenhsip scholarship i know you would have won ., pictures with me and your dad and some begrundignly with your sisters and of course some of you being silly. Soon it would be time to say goodbye, maybe you had a date or maybe you just decided to hang with your friends , either way i know there would be a boy who couldn't wait to dance with you tonight, maybe he bought you a beautiful white corsage. Your dad would read you the riot act and make you promise him the moon and the stars before letting you go. We'd wait all night to make sure you got home safe but we know what a good kid you are and how much fun you create with out anything dangerous, you'd phone us once or twice or maybe you'd forget as you always seemed to. I know you'd eat lots at the banquet and not care what anyone thought. You'd dance with your friends and maybe that special boy who was honoured to have you on his arm because you were the most beautiful girl there.As tomboy and jeans and tshirt as you normally are this night you were a princess. You'd come bounding in the door at a fairly decent hour maybe having recieved a kiss goodnight from that special boy , you'd tell us all about your night and you'd be giggling through the silly antics. Your dad would kiss you on the forehead and tell you how proud he was of you , how beautiful you looked and ask you to go fishing tomorrow, he would go to bed thankful you were home safe . I would sit with you and watch you as the night spun through your head and wonder where you go from here , imagining the next exciting steps in your life , i would kiss you on the forehead and tell you how proud i was of you and how beautiful you looked as you lie your head on your pillow and drift off to sleep waiting for tomorrow. I would pour myself a cup of tea head off to bed and lie my head on my pillow and thank God my daughter is safe.


Okay well sometimes life doesn't go as planned and as i walked outside just before writing this to lock the door a beautiful gold butterfly flew towards me into the light of the door just to say goodnight. I am off to bed now and as i lie my head down on my pillow i will thank God my daughter is safe

Convocation Coccoons Christianity and Craziness June 2010

Convocation, Coccoons, Christianity and Craziness
Today at 10:15pm | Edit Note | Delete
Oh man , what a month. I don't understand why everything has to fall at eh end of the year , it seems like teachers, coaches, etc feel compelled to provide some sort of wing ding at the end of the year multiply that by 2 , 3 , 4 or more kids and it loses its pleasure in the mirco management of year end planning....here's a thought leaders..."you'd be doing us all a favour if you all got together and spread out these activities between February and April .sound good ? i'll have my people call yours...or better yet, hey don't feel obligated to do anything, i would like you more and really you'd end up with a better year-end gift than a dollar store mug".

Okay enough ranting i can't blame it all on teachers schools coaches etc life is crazy, i promised myself i would never let it get crazy again , that when i noticed things spinning outta control i would ask myself "how important is this ,really?" Back when we were hospitalling , we didn't have a choice that was not only crazy but insane.

I won't bore you with the mundane, just the highlights ...Christy and Stefanny are now working together for a family friend who imports retail fish ( goldfish, tetra's , frogs , those kind) not a diva job by any means, so not only do they bicker over clothes and make-up every morning they now roll themselves in the door at 6 pm arguing about whose fish is better , who packaged the most fish and who killed the least ...ah fish bliss, i'm sure they will laugh about it one day.

Ashleys scholarship was given out a few weeks ago , i couldn't believe how nervous we were didn't realize the enormity of it i guess until we got there, hard sitting alongside people on stage that are giving out a token of their fallen son, daughter , grandpa just wanting to scream out "remember this person they made a difference in the world" , they are here they are holding the hands of the person (family) stretching out their arms with a gift they are holding the hand of the person so deserving of receiving the gift.Ashley was there. We kept it together even when the grand march of grads entered the church sanctuary to scottish bagpipes and i forced myself not to look at where i assumed Ashley would have, should have, sat. As we were called upon stage a very lovely person whom i've come to know recently yelled out inside a very somber room" love you lori " what a comfort , what i nice thing to do what an act of empathy .. thank you leanne. Anyways our recipient to Ashleys award was Amy T. it was an obvious choice, someone i know Ashley would have chosen, funny cause i could see Ashley with her big smile saying "way to go Amy" Glad to see her other very good friends recieve shcolarships too (jacquline , trinda)Deepest congratulations to all the grads, enjoy , have fun , be safe. For us , as sad as it was sometimes watching kids fill the seats at convocation , ones she went to pre school with , ones she went to elementary school with ,ones she had sleepovers with , i told myself over and over again...she has reached even higher than this , she has graduated and triumphed beyond this, she has received a greater glory, a greater crown , she is ok. We left when we knew we had enough and i'm kinda sad we didn't stay , i later found out that valedictorian talked about Ashley , talked about her smile and her free spiritedness , her attitude , maybe it was good i didn't hear that there , I may have lost it. Thanks Corbin.

A big thank you to all our donors, runners, sponsors and supporters for your contribution to Childrun this year,our team grew by a few more this year including my sister and niece, we were proud to join forces with "Logan is our Angel " what an event , Logan has fought brain cancer for 5 years was not expected to be the miracle she has so eloquently developed into , i'm sure you've seen her big smile and angelic face plastered everywhere , she was the poster child this year and we were honoured to be part of the team , in keeping with our annual commitment to tell Ashleys story we still ran under "Ashleys journey " and this year we had t-shirts made up in her name displaying a butterfly of faith on the front. The evening before was a "team Logan" fundraiser , where again, our brave girl was honoured too., i think the goal was far surpassed, reaching 35,000.00, Lu Lu Lemon guy, Chip Wilson matched the donations , so over 70,000.00 in one unblievable night ..not bad, was nice to see and meet up again with other families/ parents running and supporting in the name of their child, some whom i have only met faceless on facebook , funny how you can spot them in a crowd of thousands. Childrun has been kind enough to donate extra large left over tshirts to Ashley comfort bags for sleepshirts for parents...nice huh?

Butterflies are coccooning as we speak , this year we decided to raise butterflies , for release on Ashleys upcoming 18th bday on the 29th , so far i don't think i've killed any , we'll see , notice no live plants in my house , theres a reason for that.

On a side note , i have recently started a blog in ashleys name, i have ported all the blogs since the beginning of this journey from facebook to the blog , i suppose i did this because i hope in one way or another it reaches someone desperate to find out that as hell as it is losing a child and sister that there is peace in knowing that we will see eachother again , that as ive said before this world is temporary, it is a PRACTICING place , a place to let your hearts be broken to the suffering of the world and to the people right next to you, to see what you do with it. Thank you for doing something with it.

Summer is on the horizon , can't wait , no schedules , no school notices, no packed lunches to make, just fun in the sun ( wherever thats been lately) although it already seems so booked , Darcy and Christy are off on a whitewater rafting trip soon with Christys church youth group , Darcy is driving the bus , excuse me while i kill myself laughing , someone ,not sure who , is in for a real treat...lololololol. Ahhh speaking of church , enjoyed the church sermon a couple weeks ago about not being fake , or putting on the appearance of just looking like "a Christian" that its imprortant not to just look the part , to really DO and FOLLOW and SERVE. i look over at Darcy who happened to be wearing a suit...k you probably no where im going with this.... our pastor comes up to us at the end and remarks how good he looked , i owned up , i admitted that he is only wearing a suit because i haven't done laundry in 2 weeks , cause i 've been too cranky with all the "year end" suff and working full time for the last 2 weeks to do laundry , and the reason our kids are looking so cheery is because we decided to stay for the brunch after church because i haven't gone grocery shopping either, so they are just happy to be fed , "eat up kids", I told you i wasn't made for f/t paid labour , I can't do it all and i don't aspire to "doing it all" No fake Christians here , maybe not always great ones either, but PRACTICING as best we can.Thanks for reading

Peace,
Lori
p.s. here is the blog info http://followingashleysjourney.blogspot.com/
p.p.s congratualtions to all my amazing children on all your year end successes, dance rugby academics, and your courage... you're awesome!
A special conGraduation to Baylee, Ashleys BFF , you're a great friend and i can't wait to see you in your dress.To Shakira , Ashleys cousin, you should be very proud of yourself, as well to Jordan Hopper Ashleys babyhood friend and "ashleys Journey " team member Good Job Jordan, we are very proud of you,Amanda S , Sara M and many many more good luck and prayers to you all.

Poem..Save A Place...April 2010

save a place for me
Wednesday, April 21, 2010 at 11:32pm | Edit Note | Delete
Don't be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon

I have asked the question why
But I guess the answer's for another time
So instead I'll pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
And I wanna live my life just like you did
Make the most of my time just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there

Matthew West
Today is 14 moths since we all last said goodbye to you at the service the same amount of time you fought your brave battle ...miss you every moment of every day and i wait patiently for the day we meet again

Author unknown)

What If's....April 2010

what ifs
Tuesday, April 20, 2010 at 1:19pm | Edit Note | Delete
The month of April is such a funny weather kinda month, at times it can be mistaken for a hot summer day ,others a rainy blustery fall day, or even a downright out and out winter day , it is probably the only month that one could get completely confused in if they were void a calendar or computer all month, sometimes it has Easter /passover in it sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes were gearing up for camping and other times topping off ski season.
My favourite sounding day of the whole year is April 7 i don't know why there is nothing signicant to me about it i just always loved the sound of it, call it querky.
Last weekend the sun shone brightly and the wind whipped through the Fraser Valley , Darcy and i were driving along the highway back from Harrison , i rememebr looking up to the hillside as we entered Mission and the sight of the Monastary came into my view, the sun shining down upon it , I couldn;t help but remember the hike Darcy and i had taken Ashley there on for her 13th birthday , we were hot and sweaty and dirty as we climbed the hill , and reached the top, Ashley out in front, leading us as usual,, it is where we chose to give her a heart locket and tell her how proud we were of her for all the decisons and spitritual paths she had recently chosen in her life . The memory i was so fondly remebering was quickly invaded with my usual "what if " demon... what if she had cancer THEN and we didnt know, what if she was brushed by some unknown deadly bush on the way up what if we had only been fore warned. I had to stop myself and remember what i had learned this past weekend why we had spent a "mixed feeling " weekend in Harrison and i stopped myself , i had decided right there no more what ifs. Whatifs are as troubling or as futile even dangerous as trying to predict your future. I suppose its human nature to wonder "why" ...to question its purpsose and wonder who was in charge of all the happenings ,good and bad, in our life. The truth is i still dont have the answer i still cant say for certain and those much more annointed than i don't seem to have the answers either ... i could say" yes all this had purpose, it was his will to serve a bigger purpose " and i still can't say for certain that God has thrown his hands in the air and said " this is the world suffering the consequences of its actions...' i have an idea that maybe God didnt plan for any of this maybe it was an evil force that had to play itself out, the way of an imperfect world and maybe he is creating something " ok" from it. Either way he 's walking it with us sending those angels and helping us climb to new horizins as tough as they are.
Our weekend away as romantic as it may have sounded on a facebook status was not as lofty as it sounded ,we were actually attending a "parent of kids with cancer" retreat/workshop. As we wandered the hallways of the Harrison Hotel i had thought about all the times we had been here in the past , for an anniversary, or a getawy, or taking the kids to dinner , but never in my wildest imagination did i think we would find ourselves here under these circumstances, talk about your past and future coliding. I have no one word to describe the weekend , it was tough, fun, furstrating , healing , debilitating and a bunch more adjectives that flow out of my soul. It was comforting to be around people who have ./are going through the same stuff , however, even within this group there are still the have's and have not's, that is not to say that the have's are suffering any less , there are times i listen to my cohorts in the oncology world still fighting the fight and think "Oh God , i don't know if i could still be doing this" one parent described it as hanging on to a cliff waiting for the next gust of wind to throw them from their clutches , awaitng test results etc",then i ifnd myself saying " of course you would lori cause then you'd still have Ashley here" Some families are in the desired state of remission, however, now dealing with seconadary issues that in many ways are no better than cancer My heart went out to the parents that attended that were newly diagnosed , i dont think i would have wanted to know me now at the beginning of our journey. There were families there that have done amazing things with their grief , leaving legacies and setting up foundations etc it really does become your life's work in remberance of your child. The panel that spoke were surviviors, siblings and grandparents of kids with cancer , strong amazing group ,. I geuss the kicker came when a dr. spoke ( actually one that had treated ashley) he spoke about the importance of nutrition and the need for feeding tubes with most children having them implanted from the beginning. This hurt to hear, we struggled so much with trying to feed ashley and keep her weight up , she aspirated a feeding tube twice and refused them after that, i remember frantically looking through grocery stores checking labels for the highest, least invasive type of calories i could sneak into her food.
Darcy raised his hand form across the room (we were in sepaearte workshop groups) and as the microphone was passed to him i could feel my heart pound , i knew what he was going to ask , he was reading my thoughts and speaking words i couldn't formualte as i held back tears. He asked the inevitalbe ...what else could we have done? why couldnt she have the feeding tube put in while sedated which was earlier against hospital policy. ... the room got extremely silent and all i could here were sobs behind me from my table , the dr. paused and said as any good dr would " i can't speak to any specific case...." and then he looked at darcy and spoke right to our case and said you did everything you could have do not blame yourself...in that moment i said " no more what ifs" it took a little reeling and getting over the new philosphies at the hospital, ones we would have benefitted so greatly from, but perhaps this was the change maybe she and others are part of ....new solutions to new feeding challenges. We pulled ourselves together and met everyone at dinner ,we were seated next to the dr and not much more about it was said , he recognized who we were and recalled treating ashley and just spoke to us reassurigly , it was nice to talk to him on a personal level to ,see what makes these peopel tick ..lol. and to know that some of them aren't all medicine and non-alternantive.I ordered a veggie dish because he had drilled into me the importance of 7 ( yes 7) servings of veggies (all different colours) per day i was feeling obligated. Then he goes and orders steak...damn!
Anyways we ended the night like all the other good oncology parents closing down the lounge over some good red. im sure the other patrons in the lounge were envious of our stories and friendships ...not!!!!
Anyways proud to be in the company the most amazing parents i know. No more whatifs ( easier said than done)no more expecting i can plan my future to a "tee" and maybe not everything happens for a reason, that would be a hard thing to live with, BUT maybe reasons (to change, learn grow ,love,serve and thank) can come out of everything Am i looking forward to next year , well that is a loaded question.

Peace,
Lori

Filming Day.... March 2010

Filming Day
Wednesday, March 17, 2010 at 12:50pm | Edit Note | Delete
Sometimes i wonder what my expression would be if i had fallen asleep for 2 years and awoke to my present life,

I wonder what i would have thought to myself if i would have woken up on Monday morning with someone telling me that i had to be downtown Vancouver in hair and make up for a filming shoot, would i have thought " wow i finally made it to stardom" lol. I don't think i would have thought that our family had been asked to do a promotional video to recant the horrors of cancer with our eldest daughter, nevertheless, that is where we found ourselves this past Monday. Although we were treated like royalty and the kids gotta kick out of their rockstar status for the day there were no illusions of it being a fun day or an extra spring break day off, this would have been harder than any math or english class their cohorts would have partaken in that day.That being said Stefanny still wanted to go to her first class , Darcy picked her up shortly before we had to leave and away we were, each adorning our "Ashley" necklaces , rehearsing a few of the questions we might be asked ...side note ...there is no preparing for such a task, but we were there to help raise funds for a very meaningful cause, one so close to our hearts...Camp Goodtimes and the Canadian Cancer Society, a video to be shown at gala events and to donors.

Now we have been thrown into centre stage or a fishbowl , whatever you wanna call it , several times throughout this journey , interviews , radio shows , speeches , fundraisers etc and we are getting better at it but for a reformed "closed book" kinda person it is still somewhat nerve racking, but by the grace of God, we did it! The filming crew was respectful and thoughtful and afforded us every possible luxury while we waited each of our turns in the green room ( which is actually a red room but whatever)

There is something very reverant about watching your children on camera holding back tears and speaking from their heart about how "losing a sister " has affected them how watching her suffer and having a childhood and friends robbed right out from her was devestating for them , they were honest and real even telling the director about how they miss fighting with her , their fears and of course how Camp Goodtimes brought them to a place they so eloquently described as "home". Darcy and i were interviewed separarately and mine seemed to take forever , not sure if thats because they were doing all the set-up ..lighting and sound checks on me being ,the first to go, or because i fell off my chair , not once , but TWICE not because it was emotional and nooooo not because i had" tea time" before, it was simply because i am a clutz , im sure the sound guy thought i was a complete flake , why do those things always happen in front of the cute ones ...geez, anyways i was probably old enough to be his big sister (ok his mom... thought id never say that,,yikes!!!)I could tell the filming crew was nervous too , asking such personal questions so i m hoping my clutziness eased the tension for everyone . i'm sure their intention was to get brief accounts of the specifics of our journey but her first question to me was "can you describe your journey for us??" ...."WHAT???? what! do you want a mini series? ...cut!!!! ...could we be a little more specific, there is no beginning and no end to that answer "

Anyways by the time it was all said and done and as Dacry and i sat in the wings watching the kids each have their turn, i thought to myself " oh man i would so be one of those stage mothers , those ones i cant stand feeding their kids the actions and lines slightly offstage, oh well i guess somethings are instinctual and it was good for another laugh. By the end of the day the kids were having mini photo shoots done as a group still bickering and maintaing their version of sisterly love in every way , think they even caught a few shots of them bickering and shoving eachother off their stools. We had a family shot done and i felt a little strange , i think it waas our first formal family shot of 5, almost said "no" to it but knew Ashley was right in the centre of the picture, you just have to look a little harder to see it. There is nothing like watching your kids personalities really shine through on camera, so proud of them and Darcy and i too.

By the end of the day we had formed new relationships with these people and felt again like they maybe knew us more than people ( even family) we've known for 20 plus years , they thanked us through their own emotions and ...here;s' the kicker , they asked the girls if they'd be interested in any extra film work ..."are you kidding me, you just made their day, gotta be some perks in this whole thing for them don't ya think?" we were each given a gift and after tears and hugs the day was done,

I'm not sure how to describe the day, healing? draining? fun? emotional ? it was all that and more , but we did get to tell the world again about our amazing daughters fight and the bravery and strength of she and her sisters, so i hope this will pull at a few heart strings or should i say purse strings and keep research, and Camp Goodtimes rolling. Of course we did it for more than that and think we may continue , you never know who it will effect. Anyways we were exhausted by the end of the day , we took the kids out for dinner to celebrate and went home and slept for what felt like a month.

Yesterday was the 13 month anniversary of Ashleys passing and i just wanted to thank everyone for all their support at Ashleys memorial last month we got through the day with great friends , family and memories of Ashley who is with us in everything we do.

Peace,
Lori

One Year...February 2010

One year ...consider joining us
Friday, February 12, 2010 at 12:10am | Edit Note | Delete
Wow, i sit here plugging away at the keys wondering where this year went , could it possibly be a year already? it can't be! it was yesterday.. it was ten yeas ago... my reference of time is skewed its like a floating memory one that bounces between milestones, in and out , up and down. Could we have already had our terrible firsts of everything this year? did we make it through? why does everything seem so hazey , like a thick fog when the reality of loss was as clear as glass, broken glass. Did seasons change? were birthdays celebrated? Was Christmas and snow cancelled this year ? Did someone dress me in a cloak of numbness so i could sail over top of the event so it seemed like i observed the whole year from a baclcony seat at a theater watching my life , our life unfold like a play , like an assistant director, only having partial say as to when and how the next scene would look.
I say this because although we all have control over how we view an event sometimes we can't make it better for someone else , sometimes an emotion arises , i cant even call it an emotion not in the usual sense and it kinda takes over your body your mind it doesnt have a reference point a well knkown guage, its all new and it points you into directions youve never gone before , un- chartered territory , for some that is a scary place its hard to face , other times its like a secret a beautiful secret that that you can believe in so it leads you from darkness into light, it helps you sail , its softens the blows. it penetrates the sword for you and other times it makes you feel all the pain for awhile so you can have new pictures in your mind safe pictures hopeful pictures ones that don't involve the worldly pains we all must face, takes you to another time,a place of peace and healing.
One thing is for sure that we must travel our own road of grief, helping to pick up those who can't bear to take another step ,we must keep a stack of snapshots with us at all times so we can pull one out of our back pocket and show them what that picture, what that future could look like. For now its staying on the road , one step at a time , sitting to rest a while , maybe even taking a few steps back to try again, lifting and being lifted , crawling , pounding fists upon the pavement, but always always staying on the road.

Tuesday, febraury 16 will be one year since Ashley left us to be with God, I know she is at peace and everytime i think of what she is missing i remind myself of the beauty she is creating and that of what she has left behind.
We struggled with how to celebrtate or commemerate the day and finally came up with a few ideas that we would like to share and include you in. Recently, we had Ashleys grave marker designed and completed, My brother in law , Darcys brother Jamie, did a beautiful job captured everything we needed and wanted to say inculding a beautiful golden butterfly which im hoping to share that significance with you in the near future. We are grateful to have had someone close in the family create such a beautiful piece, the marker is symbolic only , Ashley is not buried nor cremated there , it is a place of remeberance .
Anyways, on Tuesday morning 11:00am we will meet with our family friends pastor and whoever else would like to join us at Musselwhite cemetary to dedicate the marker and to say a few words /prayers of remeberace. this wil be a short cermeony. We understand that not everyone will feel comfortable doing this so feel free to visit Ashleys marker, anyone, anytime , we will leave a small box at her site for the day, if you would like to leave a letter , poem or something small feel free to do so we will pick it up later that day , flowers etc. will remain at the site. Later that day for those of you who would like to we will have an open house(at our place) between 4:00 and 7:00 pm if you would like to pop by have a cup of tea for coffee snacks and a hug.
If neither of these ideas are do-able or comfortable for you we totally understand we just want to give people ways in which they can remeber Ashley , here are a few others .... we would love to hear how your year has been , youve heard all about us this year we would like to know how this year has effected you , has it been difficult? have you had some epiphanies? have you done someting different? by the way , we love to hear and see pics of Ashley all througjout the year , please dont feel like we'll fall apart, if anyhting they are tearsof joy and it warms our heart esp when we hear how shes touched people. You can do this via facebook, letter, email, video ,pictures, artwork , doesn't matter we'd love it!!!!! Or please consider a random act of kindness in Ashleys name , she was all about charity/giving etc so anything is possible, food donation to the food bank , or salvation army , give blood ( i think she drained the whole system for about a year) drop some dog food off at SPCA , whatever you may be inclined to do, love to hear about it or donation to BCCH pediatric oncology research or BCCCPA or hey even donations to the comfort bags. or her scholarship which is now in print , check it our GRADS! Do not feel obligated to any of these things they are just ideas , no need to put out any money on anything (we'll be hittin ya up during fundraising lol)i know people feel like they want/need to do something , do whatever feels right or just say a prayer or light a candle. Thank you all so much for getting us through this year , we have had some great moments this year as well and believe me when i say her spirit really does live on , their have been so many "little things" and great people this year that just fill us up and keep hope and faith floating. Thanks everyone!!!

Peace,
Lori

A New Year..January 2010

A New Year
Monday, January 11, 2010 at 11:58am | Edit Note | Delete
Usually, just before the clock strikes midnight on December 31 i observe the signs around me looking for clues and tell-tale signs of what the year has in store for me, for example, if i'm celebrating with friends and family and having a festive time i think the year will be full of joy and good feelings , if i happen to have fallen asleep i tend to believe i'm in for more of a restful boring year , (which is just fine some years). I remember way back to New Years eve 1994, I held my new born, who was only a few hours old , it was pretty obvious what the upcoming year was going to bring me that year , diapers, sleepless nights , and joy.

Up until 2007 we spent every new years together with the focus usually being on Christys birthday,however, 2007, found Darcy and Ashley in the hospital where she began her experience with her first round of chemo(not pretty) but we put a positive spin on it saying it was the begining of the fight of our lives "one that would bring upon healing" Last New Years Christy wanted to have a few girls over for a sleepover , there were so many times that year we had to say "no" because of risk of infection that we finally decided that maybe it would be ok. Ashley was fine with the decision after making Christy swear up and down that her "immature friends " would not so much as make a peep towards her room where she was content on being by herself watching her favourite episodes of "House " and "End of my leash" she even asked Darcy and i to just "let her be" with out constant checking ...i agreed and we slipped down the street for a new years drink with our neighbours playing board games. Stefanny joned Christy's party and kept watch over Ashleys "sound barrier", Brit well she was at the neighbours too. As 11:57 approached i quickly gave Darcy a smooch and assured him i'd be back , I ran 4 houses home in the rain and quietly climbed into bed with Ashley who was drifting off from her evening dose of morphene , I carefully thought about how i would envison and verbalize what i thought about the upcoming year. I told Ashley this year will be better , this year you will be healed, this year you will have peace and this year we will be greatful and you will do great things. I told her that we will take care of her and that we'll be with her through it all. Ashley nodded her head and said " i know mom." You may think i promised her things that didn't come true but like i said i chose the words carefully. there is truth and reality in all the words .

As was with Christmas, we again tried not to put too much emphasis on New Years (which was a wonderful ski trip by the way , didnt regret one moment) We celebrated Christys birthday at a restaurant with her BFF and later had the neighbours over for a glass of grapes. They left before midnight, so as new years approached I couldn't help but reflect back on the past year , I know it sounds wierd but I really didn't want it to end, it felt as though time in between was getting greater, further away, "last yearish" i wasn't ready to let go of such a year , the one with the most amount of sadness and the most amount of growth and patience I had ever experienced , guess thats what they call a double edged sword. I tried not to assume what the New year was going to bring in case it was a huge disppointment, just when i thought the 6 funerlas was enough for one year , would this one bring more????i thought to myself "don't let this moment dictate what the year will bring , things can change in an instant , give up control, just let them happen and flow with it and pray its one with less tears. So no big revelations , no signs from above that things will be great....well ....until this weekend, i had a great weekend , went out for dinner on Friday night with some friends and when we got back i checked my Facebook and literally burst to find out that our dear sweet friend Logan, diagnosed 4 and a half years ago with brain cancer... i think like 18 brain tumors... over 100 rounds of chemo, given a life expectancy of 2 weeks at diagnosis received news that her MRI that day came back with no more growth, she has been off chemo for 5 months and although they can't call it remission, it is definitely cause for a celebration for today , for hope.Perhaps their recent house fire which has kept them held up in hotel for 2 months was a sign of old things burning away , the smoke has cleared ,i remember a dr once associating fighting a tumor like a house fire ,first they had to put the fire out (the active tumor ) and then get to the smoke , the embers (the middle of the tumor). Hard to say life will go back to normal, but for now maybe they can exhale and Jen can wear those shoes , the ones the other moms get to wear to the follow-up clinic, the ones she's waited patiently for, the ones that will fit her perfectly because she deserves them.(well we all do but...) Needless to say , my girls were extatic , for us, it was almost as good as ....well you know...

I decided to drag my butt outta bed and attend church this Sunday for the first time back this year , i was hesitant because our regular pastors were away and i wasn't sure i'd get anything out of it because ...well.... i'm under the delusional impression that my pastors sermons are directly for me!! I hope and bet everyone else in church feels the same way , i'm sure that is the gift of a wise pastor. Anyways , he was good, the other pastor i mean, Mike,especially for being so young, I was wondering how his life experience could possibly speak to me , considering he was talking about spiritual healing over physical healing , restoration of a soul and greatness to come and faith and knowing that this world is temporary, which takes me back to the conversation i had with sleepy Ashley on Dec 31 2008 @ 11:59pm.The message was a great way to start the year to not be too wrapped up in the physicallness of this world , physical healing ,for there is so much we cannot see yet its still there , our bodies will fade, some quicker than others, and sometimes this brings on a stronger healing, a spiritual one , one that is beyond what we can see, just know. .Maybe i already knew this maybe i just needed to hear it again,maybe Darcy and i were hearing it for the first time together ,it was healing ,a sign of things to come, for many i hope. Praying for Peace and Healing to everyone

Peace
lori

A Christmas Letter...December 2009

A Christmas letter from the Loweys
Wednesday, December 16, 2009 at 10:56am | Edit Note | Delete
Do you ever get those Christmas letters? You know the ones ..designed to make you feel like your life is crappy while the author goes on and on about how their 2 year old johnny is now singing tenor in the philharmonic choir and teenage suzy has been inducted into some hall of something ,somewhere and how she and her husband are now teaching "perfect marriage " courses at the college in Stepford or Pleasantville or some other make believe fairy tale land... blah blah blah..I apologize upfront to those who write honest accounts of their life over the past year , it is probably a good way to catch everyone up and certainly nothing wrong with proud moments.I just think it would be kinda cool if we all heard about the "not so good stuff" too, the kids bad marks, the bratty teenager stuff, the terrible 2's the, the irritating inlaws , the last stupid fight you had with your spouse , the extra 10 lbs, , wouldn't this be more entertaining more real . I think people believe that those letters are a way for them to bring themselves closer to others ...do they really?

I suppose this is my idea of a Christmas card this year , as i have told many we are forgoing much of the Christmas traditions this year for obvious reasons.
As you read this please do not have pity on us , don't think to yourself " oh what can we do to make their Christmas better" Sometimes Christmas just is what it is..sometimes its festive and plentiful and fruitful and joyous and other times its not , well ....not in the western culture sense , it will always be significant to me because of where my spiritual journey has taken me lately, so in a way this Christmas is like a cleanse . I loved our Christmasses past ,however i found myself doing things that i didnt really want to do and attatched many unneccessary rituals to it . I am not Christmas bashing , i am not bitter , and believe me if my kids wanted a traditonal Christmas then i probably would have pants'd up and done it . After much discussion about what it will look like for any of us , somehow drudging the decorations from the basement and mind numbingly setting up lights or baking(which just frustrates me) was so overwhelming and when we thought deep about it , realized we couldn't do it , not just because Ashley is not here but because it was a perfect time to rethink everything. Without sounding too cliche it is too much , we put so much emphasis on the rituals of it , that we feel compelled and conditioned to carry out . This year we are not doing anything that is not making sense to us , i dont have any plastic blow up nativity scenes in the front yard , i am not buying Christmas crackers that the kids fight over to get a paper hat from i am not burning sugar cookies this year and i will not darken the doorstep of any mall or God forbid ...Walmart. As a matter of fact we have decided for the first year ever to just escape , i know we can't run form our problems but i think we are running to a new idea. We have decided to go to Sunpeaks and just have a (insert adjective) time.Darcy has made all the arrangements (a gift in itself , i dont have to think) We are not buying gifts we have not bought a tree ( however we do have a memorial tree given to us in our living room) this is not a sad thing.If we were to write a form letter this year it would probably not look to appealing to most of you and today is a very sad reminder of words that changed our lives 2 years ago, but tomorrow will be the first time i have had a grade 10'r, healthy, past the dec 16 date ,tomorrow is a gift ,we have had many gifts this year , we don't need anymore,i cannot speak for everyone in my family we all experience waves of grief but i know for myself i have received the gift of peace and comfort and i know who sent it and i know that is what and who i will think about and thank on Christmas day.i am not kidding myself , i know there will be some sad memories no matter where we are , we will shed tears as we do almost daily , we will speak of Ashley and remember her as we do daily, and yes i will take the kids shopping when we get back , this isnt a financial thing it is a spiritual thing , we are not out to deprive our kids , we will just celebrate or remember what is truly necessary for us that day.

Our last 2 Christmasses have been heart wrenching , this time last year we were facing hard hard news and spending some cold dreary days drudging back and forth and staring out hosptial windows full of fear and anxiety ...we knew we were facing our last Christmas together on earth....however, through many angels Christmas became something very different for us and so it shall remain and thats ok, it is for many , others struggle with poverty and true hardship , it is everywhere in one form or another and its ok to learn from it , its ok for kids to learn from it . I remember as a kid we would always wait to hear my dad announce whether it was going to be a "tighten your belt christmas" , we loved it when he didnt say anything because he would never say "this is going to be a stellar christmas" we just heard it when things were leaner and i look back and dont remember a difference. There were times after my parents split that we were "helped out" and you know what, thats ok , its what it is about especaiily for children stuck in a cylce of poverty , defintiley give, defintly help out , but if you are a family having a tough year , dont miss out on a teaching opportunity for your kids , its ok that some christmasses are less than stellar (financially) its ok to go a year without everything. Builds character.

I was watching Dr phil the other day ,(which i rarely watch for the reason you are about to hear) a woman in the audience was crying because her husband lost his job and they could not afford to give the children the Christmas they were ACCUSTOMED too. I loved dr phils advice when he suggested that it was ok for kids to understand and buck up and realize that there are hard times it was a good learning opportunity for them . BUT then what does he do.... ,he fold, he caves , he gets the "good people from JC penny" ( lets call them pimps) to push and prostitute the "American product of the minute' so we can have more of their free advertising shoved down our throat and everyone can go away feeling"happy ever after" ..everybody sold their souls for what appeared to be a generous moment when so much value was lost in a teachable moment , those poor kids ,now all they have is a wii station and a new understanding of family , let's not fool ourselves there was no giving going on here. Everoyne was out to satisfy themselves . Like i mentioned DO give to the truly needy to the food banks and Salvation Armys of the world they depend on giving hearts this time of year to sustain them not only through Christmas but throughout the year which is what its really all about.

Anyways,please know that i am not a scrooge , there are some beautiful decorating and tradtions and generosity and yummy baking (obvioulsy not mine) out there i thank you for your Christmas cards and even those form letters. I will let you know how our Christmas "worked for us " this year , hey we may go back to our old traditions next year , but for whatever its worth i hope Christmas brings you what your soul craves. Remembering God's true gift to the world and wishing you Peace and Joy and comfort wherever and whatever Christmas means to you.

Peace,
Lori

Battle : Cynicism and Serving...November 2009

Battle: Cyncism and Serving
Tuesday, November 24, 2009 at 11:31am | Edit Note | Delete
A man came to the door the other night it was raining out dark ,cold and windy , he had a rake in his hand and cans of food spilling out of his jacket, he asked stefanny for a bag , when i could here the voice was not familiar i took over command at the front door. He again politely asked for a bag to put his groceries in , i looked beyond him and could see a bike lying on my front lawn, his clothes were scruffy and he had not bathed in days . An immediate thought of hmmm came to my mind . I asked him what for (as if it werent obvious, i wanted a little more info) He told me that he had just finished raking someones yard and they paid him in canned food which he seemed perfectly fine with. So there went my thought of "just lookin for a handout" this man had actually worked for his food .... heard a saying the other day "a man should not eat if he has not worked",although i try not to necasarily believe that , my mind still curious, or, i think cynical, summed up the bike, no helmet,a garbage bag etc and made a judgement most living in Abbotsford might make... What did i do? I gave him a bag ...and that was it ....nothing extra . let the opportunity disappear as i watched him tie his groceries to his bike and flee off into the darkness ...where to, i do not know, its not the point ,the point was i still had alot to learn about grace and mercy and serving. I suppose my job has made me a little jaded , little suspicious a little guarded but i would have hoped that my recent journey would have smoothed those rough edges over just a bit, ok maybe it did enough that i keep a bag of convenient -type groceries in my car now just in case i run into him again ,and if i do i will first ask him if he'd like to rake the leaves in my yard , then apologize for not asking him prior, and offer the bag regardless of his answer. I had a choice to make in that very moment he was standing at the door, i think i made the wrong one, i had no basis for not helping, he had not done anything worng that i knew of . The afterthought of the bag of groceries etc was exactly that ....an after thought,that doesnt always cut it.
We have attended many funerals since Feb of this year , i think the last count was 6 ,wearing out my funeral clothes i think. People ask... do you really think youre ready to go to a funeral? do you have to go? well...lets see , I ask you,do you have a list of favourite people in your life? You know those people in your life for whatever reason came into it at just the right time or taught you such a valuable lesson in life that you crave spending time with them , well 3 of the people on my list this year were just such people. The other 3 also amazing people that i feel priveleged to have met and there stories of perseverance are absoutley nothing less than inspiring. Whatever each service looked like a common thread could be seen in all 6 lives. These people were all givers, all had lead not perfect lives but lives that made you want a little piece of who they were and reminded you why they were so admired,from the youngest of 5 to the oldest of 88 . I suppose that it is a time to focus on ones good qualities ,not a time to get up there and tell the world what a grump they were on Saturday mornings, but, nevertheless, there was an underlying quality in all of them. They all gave of themself , some of the funeral services were religious, some not , but each person had a gift , each packaged a little differently, whether it was teaching others about their faith , being a multi-talented young musician who stopped people in their tracks or being the fastest 5 year-old bike Ryder ever, or leading an adventurous successful life while giving much of his time money and knowlege to others, or having been a published poet, a pioneer of her time(so proud to be able to read her poem at her service) , or immigrating to a country with a hundred bucks in your pocket and making a success of your life in home and business. Oh and i can't forget a soul mate of the animal -kind who loved and suffered right along with her master.
I guess we only get one shot at living well , i dont mean spending well , or saving well , or anything like that , i think we get opportunities once in a while to show our true colours , i know youve heard me say it before but i have seen some pretty brilliant colours during the last 2 years and we continue to see more and more , some from people weve had to say goodbye to and some only a phonecall away some ive never met or met briefly. I had teh opportunity to sit in with some awesome kids last week in Mr Gripps lunch time bible study at Yale secondary , a group Ashley used to be a part of , pretty cool that this is even allowed in todays schools, anyways just a reminder that there are great kids out there making a difference ,living and serving on purpose, No ... you dont need a bible class or church to do that but for me , maybe them too?, its a way to keep it forefront in our minds, to remind us not to be so cynical,to serve and not always be served.
Last night was awesome, talk about angles out there, the girls and i drove into NVan to attend Ashleys comfort Bags stuffing party at my friend Pattys house, if you saw my status then you would know that Patty started this initiative to create bags for parents at BCCH who have found themselves there overnight unexpectadly, she got this idea from seeing me , darcy , others , (before we got smart and started packing a bag) stuck with no provisions for overnight. Sometimes when you're in the midst of it ,shell shocked and broken and the only thought on your mind is what kinda deal you'll have to make with God to save your baby, the last thing you're thinking about is brushing your hair and thats why you have angles with ideas and angels willing to give. The scene last night was breath-taking, the table heaping with supplies from all YOU angles, over 20 women there stuffing bags for BCCH, if extra then possibly Lions Gate (nvan, which is where most of the women are from) and Abbotsford Regional Hospital,. the ironic part is Ashley was born at Lions Gate , fought at BCCH and passed away at Abbotsford Hospital talk about full circle stuff. Thank you everyone, once again we are blessed and yet think of another mother who lost a child this week at Canuck Place and our friends the Lays (logans family) who have lost everything recently in a house fire (on their anniversay!) like Logans brain cancer wasn't enough, they will spend Christmas this year in a hotel which i'm not sure yet is a step up from their Chritstmas stays at BCCH? Begs the question hey ?Not sure what Christmas will look like for many people this year? Hopefully, find that man with the rake before then
Thanks for reading,
Peace
Lori

Thought , Prayers, Fate...October 2009

Thoughts and Prayers and FateShare
Thursday, October 1, 2009 at 11:06am | Edit Note | Delete
Time to purge my thoughts , i've wanted to do this for several days now but everytime i do something else happens to add to the note ... read it only if you wish i just need to cleanse ...first off i wanted to say just how honoured we were last week to be a part of the Cops for Cancer events. Thank you for your donations and contributions for our bottle drive we raised a couple hundred bucks... not bad!!!! On Wednesday night after a week of compiling and editting my speech i handed it over to Darcy who assured me he would read it word for word .Of course right from the get go in typical man brain he started ad libbing and adding his own "2 bits" worth ..this was quickly shot down when he caught a glimpse of my scowl piercing through him ...back on track...he recovered ....after all this was the point ...teamwork , right? right! Regardless there wasnt a dry eye in the room, they thanked us and told us how much this story will inspire there ride , really it was us that were so inspired and thankful, not that we will benefit from a cure or research(for ashley) but that they showed us how much people care. The church we attend hosted a dinner for them the next night and i know once again my girl had made an impression on them, she continues to teach.The next day we pulled our kids out of school for the morning and were front row at the Cops for Cancer opening ceremonies at the local high school , we were presented a lovely handmade quilt all folded and laid on our lap eerily like a family being presented a flag at a hero soldiers funeral. We were touched, the kids got teddy bears and ball caps it was truly beautiful,cathartic.The last couple weeks of fundraising and events had really taken it out of me , as much as i feel energized by contribuiting to these causes i am exhausted by the end of them i was looking forward to having a quiet weekend ...i don't mean llteral "quiet" that is impossible in this house especiailly during "marriage testing" kitchen renovations(lol), nonetheless. i had no plans , i woke up late on saturday morning, Britt had gone to the neighbours and the big girls crawled in bed with me to tell me about their dreams the night before and their plans for the weekend, i was lazing in my pjs until noon when the phone rang, Darcy answered it and what seemed strange was how fast the conversation was, how there didn't seem to be any words exchanged on the phone and as i saw him fly out the door all i heard was "BRITTANNY BROKE HER ARM ' somehow i went form pjs to half dressed and in the van with brittanny screaming her guts out and Darcy driving like something out of the Rockford Files. We were at ARH in no time and too short of a time from the last time we had been there, i didn't want to be back at this hospital this quick since feb 16 , i wasn't ready but i knew i had no choice. time to put those Big Girl pants on again and face the music. Brittanny was seen right away, most likely so they could give her something to tone down her blood curdling screaming. i was panicked, the medical staff probably thought " oh over emotional mom" yes i was but not for the reasons they thought.As we waited for xrays my nurse, i should say ashleys nurse , shows up to see how were doing , the reason i call her "my" nurse is because i think on feb 16 th she was comforting a whole family not just ashley. i asked her what she was doing down in emerg and the tone in which she said " i needed a change , im not on ped's anymore " told me everything i needed to know. My sister and the girls familiarily took care of the house and chores and my friend sonya who works in the hospital pharmacy came to sit with us on her lunch break as she often did when ashleys was there.This was beginning to feel all to real again as we waited to hear whether the the dr thought we needed surgery. I think our nurse must have told the med staff who we were and that were weren't as crazy as we seem because they seemed to spend alot of time comforting us after that. The xrays came back ..no surgery ... the orthopedic surgeon showed me the pics of the 2 broken bones , i asked him "is that it , do we get to go home?" hes looking at me like...."isnt that enough" im singing and dancing for joy now , you mean no blindside? nothing beyond what we thought ? were not going to childrens? we get to leave TODAY ? like regular parents? no way!!!!after putting brittanny "out" and grossly reducing the fracture while she slept her arm set in a cast we got to go ...of course darcy calm as a cucumber "ssee i told ya" as we were getting ready to leave the trauma room a girl had been wheeled in she had been in a car accident not wearing a seatbelt , flew through the sunroof and had major bleeding and head injuries. As sonya and i could hear this we gasped and held our mouths shaken for what the parents will be going through.
Fate .... Monday evening we get a call form Brad , Sonya 's husband they are at Childrens Hosptial , their 15 year old daughter Sam (christys childhood friend) fell off her skateboard and has head injuries was air-lifterd to Childrens . i couldnt beileve it , how twisted fate can be. Sam's conditon is unknown at this point , showing some response ..awesome! been taken off the ventilator...awesome!..out of ICU.... awesome ! Still out of it and unsure of whats next but please keep Samantha , Sonya Brad and Kyle in your thoughts and prayers pray for a speedy recovery and comfort for all of them. Childrens hospital can be a scary place when you are facing the unknown . I talked to Sonya yesterday ,she sounds like she is staying postive and they are dealing with what they have to deal with...survival mode... , she tells me Sam is on 3r the ward next to ashleys , they even have one of Ashleys nurses who remembers her , Sonya tells me she thinks ashley was there with her,sams guardian angel that day, i belleive her because when i asked sonia what i could bring her ..toothbrush,toothpaste etc she told me that when she arrived completely unprepared at Childrens she was given a parent bag which contained the essentials parents would need to get by a couple nights should they find themselves at BCCH unexpectadly... i nearly started crying .. not sure if i told you back in May my girlfriend Patty started this initialtive with an other friend of hers who sells a cosmetic line to put together parent bags for parents at BCCH , she got this idea when she would visit me and see shell-lshocked moms wandering around with no "lady supplies" they ran the idea by the powers that be at BCCH and it was implemented ,we spent a night stuffing bags and they were later distrbuted. and my friend Sonya got one ...it takes many angels to be affected by someones circumstances and to see things come together. It has been a whirlwind week for us but nothing compared to the fear and anxiety another family is facing this week ...we pray for their peace

Peace,
lori

Britt is recovering fine and enjoying all the attention a cast can bring.

White Butterfly....September 2009

white butterfly
Tuesday, September 15, 2009 at 12:18am | Edit Note | Delete
I can feel the change in the air , Fall is upon us, I suppose some see Autumn as a death others see it as a rebirth i just see it as a change reminiiscent of our lives, always transforming from one form to another.

Summer is over and by looking at our pictures you'd probably think it was a pretty normal looking summer ,we had BBQ's and went camping and spent time living outdoors in the pool basking in the sun, and despite the great losses lately we had an ok summer. I suppose from an onlookers point of view one would think its the big milestones and significant dates we have hard times with , this is true, but strangely it is the season changes that give us the biggest difficulties , the concept of what the season "should" or "would " have brought internally and intuitively. I guess before we just did everything on autopilot now its kinda like not having a gps to rely on, not sure which direction we should be going, strange people in a strange land. Thanks though to family and friends the girls saw a pretty good summer, they did alot , played alot and thanks to Camp Good times they healed alot . I remember discussing with some people a while ago our summer plans i told them about my kids going to camp, someone piped up and said "oh i dont think i could ever send my kids to camp" i thought for a second( in my snide lori mind) " yeah well have you ever lost a child before and been left with three grieving siblings that need a place to go to heal to grieve and have fun again" ( the new and improved lori actually didnt open her mouth and allow those words to escape), i just smiled and said "isn't that nice for you.." .( not snide at all hey). Darcy and i transformed the backyard after a couple years of neglect into our place of peace... we constructed, gardened , built and bickered over silly decisons like deck stain and plant hangers . and as we toiled along I could not help but notice a moth fly frequently amongst us as we built, constructed, played, laughed, cried and bickered...someitimes i would even say to myself "watch the moth" as it would fly close to the kids as they played in the pool,( how silly is that) One time this creature actually brushed the side of britts's face as we stood in Ashleys garden...weird. I wondered why we never saw the colorful butterflies considering we had gone to such great lengths to purchase " butterfly attracting plants" anyways this little moth kept appearing at the strangest of times , birthdays , anniversaries , hard tearful days,happy days, and just plain playful days, there it would be landing close to the food or sometimes flying with a friend., You can probably imagine what i started thinking about this little moth , one day i stopped calling it a moth and referred to it as a white butterfly.. and i reminded those around me that it was now a white butterfly . it was no longer a moth , it transformed in my mind.The story doesnt end here..stay with me...

Recenlty we had been asked to join forces with the Cops for Cancer by fundraising and sharing our story( see the note at end of this) so last night when i was trying to add butterflies to the webpage (as you know this was the symbol of Ashleys journey) i went online to check out the symbolism of the butterfly , as i was looking i noticed a page for white butterflies i clicked on it and when i did i nearly fell off my flippin chair... the Irish(which we are) symbolism and folklore behind the white butterfly is that it represents the transformation of a dead childs soul ressurection into something greater than before ...i gasped i couldn't believe what i was reading... i don't usually buy into that airy faisry stuff and not sure i f i believe that people turn into animals, bugs, leprochauns or other beings after they die( although maybe some should) but what i do believe is that maybe this white butterfly is flying about to tell us that she is right here in everything we do she is present playing , watching, building,communicating, celebrating, she is not gone she is a reminder that she is doing something really great something beyond this world. I will miss this butterfly in the coming months as i will miss what Ashley should be doing ...graduating...getting her drivers licesnce...planning her future ...driving me crazy... sometimes i feel rippped off...alithough, i know these things are transient "they to shall pass" but i think about what she has taught me and what she already knew in her young life about serving others and how fulll her life was , i am reminded of this when i see the white butterfly, she continues to do wonderful things and lead us to beautiful places.


Yesterday we had to make a choice ...do we walk in the SPCA Paws for a Cause or do we run in the Terry Fox run?,,,hmm considering we don't have Sophy anymore it was a hard decision ...we chose to walk for the SPCA my sister and her family biked in the Terry Fox run decorating their bikes with pictures of Ashley( she was actually recognized by some people my sister said...cool) ...we chose to remember that Ashley was about loving animals and she had such a heart for sad animals she would have loved to walk for the SPCA so this was for her (considering my dog loving skills) i think she and Sophy would have been proud of us, we borrowed our neighbour kids and their dog and had a pretty good time. Our friends the "Lays" ran the Terry Fox run and Logan was given the Rick Hansen award , and so she should, i do believe that she will see the benefit of a cure...

We work on healing now and we have to remember that Ashley was more than just cancer she was about serving ,whether vounteering or caring for animals or fasting for a famine, for her faith(also bilically symoboslized by a butterfly) or for so many other causes she knew the importance of helping others, and strangley enough she still serves .. greatness.

So as summer transforms to fall and our lives change from one form to another i wait til next year for my little white butterfly to return . perspective.

Peace Love and butterflies all around
lori


Cops For Cancer
We have joined forces with the Cops for Cancer team to help raise funds for not only a cure for kids cancer but to help families dealing with the devestaion emotionally and financially. Cops for Cancer also raises money for the amazing camp Goodtimes my kids took part in this year. We are not setting a huge goal so please know that any amount helps 2... 5...10 dollars it all helps ..if you'd like to help.just follow the link on my facebook we totally appreciate it .. or if you'd like to drop off bottles/ cans at our garage door for our bottle drive that would be great too. Thanks everyone. The Lowey family